so many things at the back of my mind

finished my shoot at 2am. still remember when i left my house this morning, my eyes are already too tired to put on my lenses.

knee still painful. blood test showed that it is not a health problem. need to go for further check up. but don't have the cash to do it. need to plan that when i am free. it normally doesn't hurt for so long, it's about a week now.

the magazine still not done, and i know it will take forever to do that world map. i don't even feel like starting on it.

meeting a new client tomorrow or wednesday, my goodness i can't even remember what she said to me but i think i am not going to take that job. i really don't feel like it.

keep reminding myself not to stress my laptop too much because my mac was in comma over the weekend. i really didn't know what to do because the whole magazine layout is inside that hard disk. but thank God the service centre managed to recover back most of my things.

still thinking what God is teaching me even these few days. people. people. people.

need to plan my penang trip end of the month. going down for may and ky vern's wedding.

trying to make time to go to singapore. to meet people and get some money from my singapore account.

got facial appointment this thursday.

since he took my number to make sure we figure our way home on friday. she asked me today "did he call you?", yah that makes me wonder why he didn't call.
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why am i not sleeping yet because i got a lot of things on my mind and i need to unwind before i go to bed.

scar: the visible and not visible

e: i hope the blood test comes back with good results
cy: actually i want it to be health problem. then he will give me some pills and fix that. if not i will have to go through another test... he will put a scope into my knee and take some tissues inside to check what's wrong.
e: ouch... that sounds painful
cy: hope the result of this blood test will be positive. i don't want another scar on my knee
e: another?
cy: yah i got a lot of scars on my body and legs hahahahah

this leads to a new train of thoughts.
from birth
birth mark on my forehead

3 years old
sitches on my forehead. when my auntie pulled me to go upstairs, i refused bang to the edge of the stairs handle
4 years old
sitches on my eye brow. house renovation... the carpet rolled up. i jumped across and around it... then bang i knocked the glass door
5 years old
stiches on my chin. i didn't bring my swimsuit on swimming day in pre school. i still want to walk around the pool so i slipped.

one for every year. i got slightly better after that.

about 9 years old
a burn scar on my leg. i was waiting for my school bus then i was standing very near a bike. the exhaust pipe is still burning hot and a touch is enough.
12 years old
a tattoo on my hand. shortly after i take my BCG shot, someone accidentally pushed me and it hit the door. the started to grow a little and of course my itchy hand didn't help.
14 years old
hurt both side of my legs while i was walking home from school then i wrongly estimate, i fell into the big longkang. my dad always tease me "must be looking at guys, that is why you didn't keep your eyes on the road."

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scars on my physical body had cause me to feel insecure a lot of time but at least i know about it and i know how to face it. sometimes i wonder how many wounds and scars are on my heart that are still affecting what i am doing today. people say "it is a matter of time, wound will heal" but i am beginning to think likewise because these scars had never leave me.

what i heard so far

it comes to a point when i know all the ppl around me know what i am going through. i would say that it affects a lot the opinions they give me. i would say i am looking for fresh words.

cy: since you preach the message stuck in the moment. how do i know i am stuck/stagnant or it is a waiting time?
ps nick: if you are stuck you are walking in circles, you don't have a purpose. if you are waiting you have the peace. are you disappointed about anything?
cy: ... (i said something)
ps nick: i heard that word in my heart too.

after he prayed for me. "i tell you what you should do, keep a journal for 21 days and start listening to God again.

now i understand a little. to be stucked is like the israelites in the desert but waiting can be with disappointment like joseph but a peace from within.
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Day 1: drop and listen
Drop everything and listen, listen as he speaks:
"Don't turn a deaf ear as in the Bitter Uprising,
As on the day of the Wilderness Test,
When your ancestors turned and put me to the test.
For forty years they watched me at work among them,
as over and over they tried my patience.
And i was provoked-oh was i provoked!
'Can't they keep their minds on God for five minutes?
Do they simply refuse to walk down my road?'
Exasperated, i exploded,
They'll never get where they're headed,
never be able to sit down and rest.' psalm95.7-11

if you read the déjà vu entry you will know that i had been weighing which category i belong to. i vividly remember that God told me to drop everything and just love Him, i ought to have that peace. the verse today affirms me of this decision. which category am i in? it might not be an or but an and. i am stuck because i had drop everything but i had not fulfill the latter. i am feeling better at least i know i am not too far from the right track.

Day 2: to serve beyond the church
"i cannot pastor a church anymore if all we do is look after Christians."
"it is time for the church to love the community, just love them like Jesus does and not just to convert them. Jesus never say i will heal you if you believe in me." Ps Danny Guglielmucci.

i said those words before and i am really pondering on that. he did something after that statement but i had not. there is something God has put in my heart that i had not done. how should my team be? a dream team is not to robe in ppl to do but gather those that wants to do. this time we are not looking for moses that says "i can't speak, i can't lead". we are looking for ezekiel that says "here am i, sent me". we are not looking for the capable but the willing. but to gather a team like this might take forever, so if God is willing.

Day 3: community=the common struggles that unite us
my kids want to meet me. we shared about what we are struggling now and how we would like to fix it. all of them couldn't really tell what they had learned from the conference but we are using this conference to be the beginning of change. once again i am bless by just meeting with them. the transparency, trust and love they have for each other. i know at least they are not stumbled by my action especially when i am sharing and ivan asked "you have drop everything so have you start loving Him yet?" my goodness my kid think like me. which i humbly answer, not yet and finish my sharing for day 1. we all prayed and they prayed for me too. btw did i tell you i never feel that to be a role model to them means that i need to hide my struggle from them.

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yes, usually i blog about things i think about only after a few days so that it is not just a spur of a moment. anyway i don't seem to be hearing anything these few days. the thing is after this conference i don't feel a great excitement to serve, nor a great presence of God that struck me. i merely felt affirmed for things that i had been hearing from my heart and that is very important to me. honestly life is going on as usual but maybe i am not as confuse about my relationship with God.

please wait

3.00 i went to the clinic outside my house. he refered me to sunway medical centre.
3.20 i went to sunway medical centre.
3.25 i parked my car.
3.30 i walked to the information counter. i gave her the refered letter from the clinic. she directed me to the emergency ward.
3.35 i asked the nurse at the emergency ward counter. she told me to go to the information counter. i told her that is where i came from. she took a look at my letter and send me to the first floor.
3.40 i went up to the counter on first floor. she directed me to counter 1.
3.45 i walked over to the direction she pointed and the nurse at the counter said there is no counter 1, this is counter 2 she said. "fine, so do i register here?". i showed her the letter. she gave me a form to register. she asked me: "do you want to see a chinese, indian or malay doctor?" (later i came to understand it wasn't a racist thing, it helps for those who can't communicate in other language)
3.50 i was told to wait.
4.15 i am still waiting. i checked the room of the doctor, it was opened. he is not inside. i checked with the nurse, he was checking on a patient at the ward.
4.50 the doctor is back. finally. one patient went in.
4.55 he is out, ok that is fast. the next guy went in. i cannot stop laughing, "wow wait for him longer than see him".
5.00 "wong chai yen"... yes that is my name. i went in quickly. he kept asking me stuff about my knee. he told me a lot of stuff that i don't understand. "ok go and take your blood test, we can only comfirm what it is when the result is out."
5.05 the nurse right outside his office collected RM80 from me for his consultation fee. then she told me go over there to get your medicine and pay the balance.
5.10 just when you thought the waiting is over. "please take your number".
5.30 pay for registration fee and medicine RM140. "please wait for your name to be called to get your medicine."
5.35 i didn't care... i just walked to the medicine area, pointed to those tablets. "that is my name, can i take that and go take my blood test."
5.37 i went to ground floor. asked someone there. "oh blood test lower ground floor."
5.40 "please wait."
5.50 "wong chai yen". i look at the needle, man i had not seen a needle for quite a while. i am actually quite scared so i consoled myself, "look somewhere... it will be fine... like the way an ant bite you."
5.55 i successfully walked out of the hospital.
6.15 i am home.

RM80 for 5 minutes of jargon = RM16 per minute,
RM50 for 10 pills = RM5 for each pill,
RM75 for the blood test and lab work - great i have to pay RM75 for donating my O+ blood,
RM10 for the registration paper - according to my printing experience RM15 can print the whole registration book, so i just paid for half of it.

i don't normally go to the doctor. the most i can remember was when i was a bit overworked at page one. i need to see the doctor to get a mc when i don't feel like working. now that i am a freelancer, i don't need it anymore.

no wonder i don't see the doctor when i get sick. if i am having a fever, i rather sleep through the time of waiting. if i have a flu all the people in the hospital will be infected before i can see the doctor. if i am bleeding i think i will be dead by the time the doctor see me. anyway what's my problem, my knee swell again. why? oh the doctor said he can only tell after my blood test is out. so that he can see me again and this whole thing can repeat itself.

i wanted to be with you

i remember when i was kid. i did things that i never really like - football, colour marbles, eraser with the countries' flags - just to be with people. i will get extremely sad when they see me coming and leave me alone there to play other things. i didn't want to play with those stuff, i just wanted to be with them.

many will be surprise to hear me do sports because that is not who i am. swimming, running, climbing... as you know i rather sleep than to sweat. all that for the company.

i would love to travel and see the world. i thought that is totally romantic but if not with him what is the kick. i am not the kind of girl that will backpack and rough it all out in an alien country all by myself. yes, the bangkok and hong kong trips. all that for the company.

i would rather work, watch dvds and eat dinner at home. but i wanted some new colleague, ppl to laugh at me when i cry in the movies and talk to me during dinner. all that for the company.

then i wonder maybe things don't change much as you grow up, eventhough the manner change. therefore i do get sad still when ppl leave me alone to play with my things, i was here for the company. i am not sure if you understand me. it is not 'peer pressure'. i didn't come and join you so that i can feel 'in'. i walked out of my comfort zone so that i can spent some time with you. there are still days i drag to do those things i don't like to do and wish you will go and "watch ballet with me". but you are worth my time and i learn to enjoy those things, also maybe there are not too many things i like to do anyway.

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DISCLAIMER: ballet is not my cup of tea, i took that phrase from the break-up. i just meant doing things i like to do. it makes me feel extremely special when you go out of your way to do things i like to do. is this a girl thing again?

he makes my day again

i dreamt of him last night. his office was having a team building training in a big open space that i happen to be. i saw him in the midst of a great pool of people. i was thinking of walking up to him but i didn't want to make the first move*. so i just kept both my eyes on him. i watched him talk and laugh among his friends, i was pretty happy for him.

then one of his leader gather all of them including us. that guy actually made me go up the stage to say something. GREAT! now he can see me. after i walk down the stage i saw him walking towards me from afar. i walked to that direction but i pretend i didn't know he is there*.

kai: hi!
cy: hey! where have you been?
kai: there is something i kept in my heart all these years.

a moment of silence...

kai: i still love you, do you know that?
cy: ... but you never come and find me :(
kai: i did, i came to find you at your white gate but you are not there.

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*i am still a girl in my dream. i was still reluctant to make the first move.

not that i still want to be with him but to find him again is like i found a piece of myself that i left with him when he walked away from me. honestly, not sure if that is true but i started feeling more insecure and hard to trust someone after my relationship with him. even though it is a dream, it is pretty sweet to have someone come and tell you he still loves you after all these years :)

did i tell you i like to dream, i have a lot more interesting dreams but some of it are just not suitable to be shared now haha... just that i find myself closing my eyes hard at times hoping that i will never wake up from some of those dreams. sweet.
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i am pretty sure he will never read this blog because i don't think he uses the internet at all. but i just found out that justin read this blog when he told me "i know about that cassette". oopsss.

i had been thinking of you

it had been a busy week, juggling between the conference and work. i do not really have the time to check any blog. all the time that was left i used it to sleep. but that had not keep me from reflecting on my life and journalling. i have not stop thinking, i guess i just can't stop. why do ppl do this or why not?

this is one set of my many thought: i wonder how many times do ppl visit my blog in a day? what do they do when they keep visiting and find out that i have not update my blog. will they give up checking? will they reason that my life had been uneventful? will they call to find out how i am doing? or at least sms me? why do they not want me to know they visit my blog? what if i have a way of finding out, will they still visit my blog? why do ppl who doesn't know me read my blog? why kind of person do they think i am? do my thoughts inspire ppl at all?

i know i had said this before but i am really curious? is my blog just a reading material or you read because you want to know how i am doing? i dare say if you do read my blog you will really know how i am doing because i am not a blogger that blogs my routine but more like the condition of my heart. therefore my entries can be contradictory at times because that could be just how i felt that day.

some of my entries might sound pretty depressing but i was just trying to be honest with how i feel. and yes i am a very emotional person. i know not everyone know how to react to that but bare with me i am trying to be truthful to how i feel.

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what about the conference? i will blog about it later. ps nick told me to keep a journal for 21 days and ask God to give me direction. i am not sure why that magic number. keep your eyes on this page especially those of you that are struggling from quater-life crisis because i asked him this question: "how do you know that you are stagnant (stuck) or it is just a waiting process (ministry of darkness-when God seems silence though present)?" the million-dollar-question, he gave me a fairly good answer. i am processing myself now.

déjà vu

ppl used to tell me i am always very sure of what i want to do. i guess so too. but the decisions i made the last 2 years somehow made even myself doubt i am sure anymore. maybe because the choices i made are so different from what is common. definitely ppl has stop commenting me for that.

i am very busy this week, still got work to catch up with, so i am really not free to check anyone blog. for some reason i clicked the blog of this guy who doesn't even update his blog like for months. i would not have click his blog if he doesn't tell me he had updated it. just wanted to tell you how peculiar that is for me to visit his blog.

when i was reading the blog line upon line i felt a déjà vu feeling. it seems to be things that had cross through my mind before. in case i forget how i felt, i just repeated all those words today. i was in a conversation with this team member in the conference which i hardly know. it was not part of the topic but somehow i just told her my current stage. as i share with her as i had with many, i wonder if she understands what i mean. maybe ppl just don't understand why i need to stop everything to just love God. somehow i began to doubt everytime i see the strange facial expressions on ppl faces or just maybe the silence had been too long. but really i don't know what is the next step. even now i am not sure if i had fully grasp the revelation that had cause me to made those decisions. till i get that maybe things will never change but for now i am comforted that my decisions are not abnormal. someone far away at the other side of the world actually feels exactly what i am feeling. i guess God just need to stop me from thinking "what am i doing?" to "what is He doing?" again.

i surely feel something if not i would not had type this entry because i am really busy if you get what i mean.

currently busy with this

i am currently attending this conference.

8am-7pm: conference
7pm-8pm: dinner
8pm-till dawn: work

and the cycle repeats itself for the next few days.

i will tell you if it is worth it the next few days to sacrifice my sleep. for now i just feel it is a blessing to see all of us who were once in youth ministry, now in all different stages of our lives praising God together once again.

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p/s: dugong you know what you are missing :) we miss you.

if you are not there, you will not remember :)

when i was still in school. i heard of friends that had so many bfs that they can't remember how many exs they have. some forget their names and some forgotten the order of their exs. i cannot understand how can one says that she has ever love this person once in her lifetime and not remember anything about him.

in my car the other day with the cassette player on.

justin: did you compile the songs in this tape yourself?
chaiyen: ya. do you remember i gave this to you for your birthday? this was one of the thing you returned to me when we broke off.
justin: i can't remember so long already. (10 years ago)

when he got down from my car, he snatched my cassette. it is his since i said that.

i thought, too much this guy cannot remember what i gave him. the next day i saw the cassette cover that was still in my car. i looked at the design. it was something that i could had done only in my college years. ooppss. no wonder he can't remember, it wasn't part of our memories. it was for another ex of mine ;P hehehe so i made him return it to me but i didn't tell him why.

i don't have too many exs*. only one hand full :)

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* this includes the real and not real kind. also includes puppy love and to some unspoken commitment relationship. why this remark, it is because when i ask a guy this question "how many ex do you have?" they will normally not know how to answer me till i help them with this "including the real and not real kind". because to me i took every relationship seriously. i tried and i cried :)

more important than charming, smart and romantic

Stacy: you are always my first love. you are charming, smart and romantic. but when i am around you i feel lonely. i don't feel that when i am with mark. he is always with me and i need that.
Dr Gregory: *speechless*
TV series, House

what every girl is looking for-charming, smart and romantic guy. but what top the list is security. we can drop all of it for the latter.
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Stacy= the ex gf of Dr Gregory
Mark= stacy's husband

raw as i am

i am really proud of myself. i have never learn html in college. i remember i told myself i won't take multimedia, i am so web programme idiot. so i stick with things that don't move, prints and publishing.

i wanted to change the design for my blog for a long while. i mean i am a designer you know. this finally triggers me to do so.

btw if you do not know yet, i just like this style. you will see it in a lot of my work. first discover it when i was doing ish. realised that i find it really really fun when i was doing the Love to Recycle issue.

from there after i could not stop using it for cd albums design and on publications. eventhough the same style i try to bring variation to each different client.

i called it the raw style. maybe it is because i was trying to make my mundane life more fun when i start seeing the aethetic beauty in these things we see daily. extremely enjoy the part putting all kind of things-cans, boxes, wood-on my scanner. or maybe it is because i hope that people will see the same beauty in me for trying to be myself. raw as i am - insecure and honest of how i feel.

these are jobs i do without redoing. honestly it is those once-seen-approved kind of work. i can finally say art is the inner expression of the artist.

how are you today?

i thought with little on my plate i can handle things better. but it only make the pain more real. when you are busy you don't have much time to think and feel. i didn't want to allow myself to be like that. i create that room to think and work things out. not everyone appreciates that. you see, we live in a world where everyone is busy. they really are not free to think of how you feel. they just want to get their life right and their things done.

i'm tired
i am hurt but i came in with new smiles again
i am rejected but i initiate again
i am accused but i admit i play a part here

i am tired
can't you see i'm trying
can't you see i need my rest too
can't you see i trying to have a life as well

i'm tired
why should i be the only that needs to change
but i still do because i thought maybe you will appreciate that i try
at least i thought that will cause you to treat me just a little nicer

i'm tired
see if i wake up feeling better tomorrow
His grace is new every morning
but for today i had decided i am going to quit

i have enough of redoing this work. but maybe it is more than work.

remember "don't be affected by what other ppl think of you" are meant to make you feel better and not condemned, so that you can be a free man. it doesn't mean you can do anything you want and don't care about how others around you feel, let not your freedom be hell to others.

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at noon when i drop by at starbucks to get my lunch, the manager greeted me with a big smile "how are you today?" i have to admit i nearly cried and i really feel like answering him. no one had really ask me that for a long time.

again and again

i hate to be misunderstood. i told you sms is horrible. it conveys the message in a different tone. whatever it is, as usual it is too late. i feel horrible. my goodness i am so childish, i need to grow up. i want to go out and catch a movie. hopefully i will find my company, drained myself till i'm tired and go to bed. tomorrow has to be a better day.

by the way did you realise the very thing you hate happens in your life again and again. yah probably it will only stop occuring when you grow not to be affected by it anymore. i'm not sure if i will.

back to stage one

to be honest without me knowing it, there were a point of my christian journey when i was trying to climb the ladder of success. similar to the rat race in the world, i am trying to get it right as a christian. i begin to seek "how can i get the fullest blessing of God?" and "how does it benefit me if i do this?" what we ask is what we get. but after a while i feel like i know it all. it is almost like a text book. so even now going to church i have to ask for this childlike faith that i may see things in a new light.

learning what is right and not right began to shape how i look at people as well. i think i began to be very judgemental. but when i read the bible i see God that gives equal chance to both the jews and gentiles. so i pray as i continue to live among people that i may see God in my daily life.

i hope i am not entering into a post modernism thinking, i really am not saying that everything is right but i am saying everything must be judge differently because of the different circumstances. at the end of the day everyone has a good heart of the CREATOR. i am now beginning to see the Jesus that eats with the tax collector, the Jesus that says to the woman caught red-handed in the act of adultery "does no one condemn you? neither do i. go your way, from now on sin no more" and the Jesus that reaches out to thomas and allow him to touch his nail-pierced hand. i'm now searching for this part of God that is not often discuss about. for if i live at that time i will surely be found as one of those wretch.

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i am probably categorised as a nuclear man with fragmented ideology from the book the wounded healer.

grace to love

i know i had wrote a lot about 'what-a-girl-should-do-and-not-do' and 'what-guy-should-do-and-not-do'. as i wrote down these issues that i repeatedly encounter in a relationship, i am saying it is true there are a lot we face in a relationship. i am stating the obvious facts that are probably not obvious. it is for self-check and is not intended to arouse your anger. as we girls play our role to nag less and you guys learn the magic of being more loving something beautiful will surely happen.

i was pretty close when i learn to love someone till i begin to look at my own needs. so it is your task guys, to love her till she forgets about herself. you girls to make him THE MAN because he sees himself through your eyes. i had not given up hope in GOD and in man. one day, i will surely find sufficient grace to love a person a lifetime. for now i wish you all the best.

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... he constantly invites his fellow man to ask real, often painful and upsetting questions, to look behind the surface of smooth behavior, and to take away all the obstacles that prevent him from getting into the heart of the matter. the contemplative critic takes away the illusory mask of the manipulative world and has the courage to show what the true situation is. .... more than anything else, he will look for signs of hope and promise in the situation which he finds himself... he knows that if there is hope for a better world in the future the signs must be in the present, and he will never curse the now in favor of the later. he is not a naive optimist who expects his frustrated desires to be satisfied in the future, nor a bitter pessimist who keeps repeating that the past has taught him that there is nothing new under the sun; he is rather a man of hope who lives with the unshakeable conviction that now he is seeing a dim reflection in a mirror, but that one day he will see the future face to face. (excerpts from the wounded healer)

the break-up

she comes back from work to prepare dinner for the guests that are visiting that night.
he lies down on the couch after a long day at work.

after dinner, she wants to clean up.
he is on the big couch again with his ps2.

you got a very upset gf because she wants some help. "i just want him to appreciate me".
you got a very upset bf because he needs to rest after a long day. "i throw my ass out there to work everyday so that hopefully one day you don't need to work. when i am back home i just need my space."

after that statement jennifer broke-up with the bf. she thought he will apologise and fix things up but he didn't. so she tried many ways to provoke him to action but things got out of hand. there is a point of time when a sorry would solve it but that moment doesn't last that long.

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this guy and i watched the same movie together but we didn't come to term who is right. maybe the two species will never come to term with this. the fact is girls need to feel appreciated, guys need things that are in a box (tv, ps2, newspaper, bed) to destress them. both are right, both deserve to be upset.

i always wish that there is a movie that can help guys understand how we feel but after this movie i realised it doesn't help. he turned to me after the movie "you cry in such a boring show?" of course, in fact i can cry over every line. i go knowing what to expect for this movie and i get exactly that. i guess that is why not many ppl like the movie, predictable/everday life. eventhough we all know exactly what will make the guy happy but we hardly get it right because we are just girls. we need love.

a girl every guy likes

had mahjong session with the girls yesterday.

this is one thing i learned. honestly i think they are really smart but i don't think i can be so cool as to not open my big mouth.

"don't leave your shoes outside the house, some fella will climb over your gate and steal your shoe"
"lock your car, ppl can easily start up your car and drive it away"
"can you don't leave your wallet everywhere keep it in your pocket"

don't guys just hate to hear these but honestly girls hate to repeat themselves too. our concern for your lost had made us become so uncool and naggy. as we walked out from her bf's house, we raised up the same concern "why he leaves his shoe outside? his car is not lock?" my goodness girls just have the eye for all these things.

she was prepared with her answer, "it's okie, leave it. i had told him so many times i told myself i shall not loss my cool over it anymore. hopefully he will learn his lesson soon." another girl agreed "yah i do the same, it is his money not ours."

wow i want to be a cool girlfriend too. i can see that i am not following the trend. so guys do you really prefer we do that?

memories

girl: maybe memory should remain as memory.
guy: MEMORY, a noun for something being remembered. how do we make memory in progressive tense?
excerpt from the movie almost love (korean)

Augustine mentioned something about this thing call memory. how meaningless. memory is something that is no longer real. it is already in the past. so is what you think about because it has not take place. so we are in between two time zones that are not tangible/real. yet to God he looks at time differently. He sees the yesterday, today and tomorrow all together so which part of the time are we living in? is it all three together?
paraphrase from the book The Confessions - Augustine

it is always says what you do with the now is important because that is the only thing you can do. i always thought that is true but recently i learned that even the now will soon become memories. what is now in 1 second will become memories. why do life past by us so fast. no room to make mistake, no room to change our mind. can't we slow down time when it is all sweet and nice, pause when need to make critical decision, rewind when we want to enjoy the moment again.

no, we can't rewind. for now this 'time' thing will continue to be a mystery to us. but we can close our eyes and enjoy that moment again. it can actually makes you smile :)

once my kids forever my kids

i told you my kids are interesting, this is really sweet.

ro-man-tic

1. wake up from my bed to see a nicely prepared breakfast from you
2. a bottle full of heart shapes folded
3. coming up to me and ask "can i be your boyfriend?" when i hardly know you
4. my feet on yours dancing in the rhythm of love
5. bringing me out for fine dining
6. hugging me from behind
7. preparing a candlelight dinner
8. appearing outside my door after we argue
9. filling my room with balloons
10. after a difficult day, to see a bouquet of flower in my room
11. staring at me from your classroom for as long as you can, the kind of glare that says i can't stop looking at you
12. talking to me through the night about anything
13. to sent me an sms out of the blue just to tell me you love me
14. to write me a love letter
15. to write a song for me
16. watching romantic dvds with me
17. bringing me to a park/poolside
18. dropping by with starbucks when i had to work late
19. kissing me on the forehead
20. putting me to bed

all these are things that had been done for me not from the movies, so it is possible. WARNING: do not use all of it in the first year of your relationship, spread it out over the next few years. if not you will get a grumpy girlfriend that feels that you don't care anymore. 6 times a year will be sufficient - birthday, anniversary, valentines day and three more small surprises in between. you can always reuse after one year.

Men and women are positioned against one another in the battle for more fulfilling relationships; today they are being urged to consider that romantically they are setting themselves up for failure. By holding unrealistic expectations and believing fabrications told to them by pop culture, men and women are paralyzed in their pursuit for romance... Women are deceived by the unattainable dream of the romantic man (soon she comes to believe that every man is romantic except the man in her life…despite the fact that all her female friends are experiencing the same dilemma); men are overwhelmed because they bear sole responsibility for the romantic shape of their relationship and they are immobilized by this burden. Unfortunately both end up unsatisfied. Let me tell you a secret – most people aren’t romantic. There is no such thing as the ‘naturally romantic’ person – like most things, romance is learned, practiced and perfected. click for full article

speaking in their own language

1. lemme know by tonight. i'm going there cos i got class at 6.45pm.
(the class is on the next day 6.45pm)

2. cy: can you fetch me?
answer: at home
(he is at home it is not convenient)

3. ru driving?
(he meant he wants to use the car)
cy: yes, why?
what time will you be back?
cy: not sure why?
i want to use the car

why do ppl speak in their own language and assume other to understand what they mean. they make me feel really stupid when i ask to clarify. especially when they get frustrated when i don't get them. sms (short message system) and msn are killing communications. ppl are sending sms to break up, not to turn up for wedding, probably next time divorce too. why sms? because that can simplify the procedure. no reason required. girls you just have to sulk and bring those unaswered questions to the grave. guys have limited words a day.

---
ok on top of this i am just hurt. like the case of my bro, he just talks to me when he is in the mood. when he is done, he becomes rude. he will slam the door at my face or try with all his might to end the phone call. again when he feels like it he will buzz you on msn but when he doesn't he'll asks you to SHUT UP or just don't reply. felt so ignored and at the same time so stupid for being offended. and you say girls have PMS. but i am not going to complain to him because i value the little conversations that are left.
---
ending my day like that affect my next morning. i will feel lousy and refuse to wake up.

drool

rain, 23 (i cannot believe he is younger than me)

kwon sang-woo, 30 (censored photos)

song seung hun, 30

even though i am a korean series freak, i choose my series. i only watched those that had pretty girls and good looking guys. many had been asking what kind of guys i like so they will help me scout around, these are 3 that top my list. thank you for help, coke on me!

what do they share in common:
1. they look good
2. they have very good body, i can't find the photos for all 3 of them but i found sang-woo just to show you an example. rain's body is superb too, caught that on screen in the series full house.
3. they have shoulder length hair
4. their smiles can make me faint
5. they have very sexy lips, those you can't resist :)

i will leave it to jelly to blog on the counterpart. i have to say those girls make me drool too but i shall not make myself feel insecure putting their photos side by side with mine.

first news

wow. i am still alive. in moments like this you can find out who loves you :) when i reach home yesterday night. i slept from 8pm till 8am this morning. i am satisfied.

the very night i was locked. i found out that leng had a major car accident. she is fine except for some bruises on her hand and blue black on the side of her head. ok not as drama as what i had 5 years ago when my car toppled. her car was greatly damaged from the back, and it had to be towed. i couldn't help because i am in there.

---
anyway they finally decided to give me a temporary tag, so now i can go in and out of the office during ungodly hours. do you call this making a difference haha... "we usually do not give tag to our freelancers".

i need my sleep

i am so tired. i slept from 8am till 11am and i have another night to go. will i make it tonight.

wanted to sent yuchun and sophia off but i have a presentation at 3pm tomorrow. meaning i have to print a whole magazine mockup tomorrow morning. also if i were to drive there to klia with this amount of sleep i will probably have my second major car accident on my way there. i would love to go just to tell them how much they mean to me :), but for now they just have to understand that because my whole body is already working against me.

a lot had happened the last few days, after tomorrow i will have a little time to sit down and reflect. btw i heard of this before, that someone had a sudden death. he didn't wake up from his sleep because like me he was working very hard, lack of sleep for a season of time. one day he just didn't wake up. if this happen, remember i love all of you a lot.

this is crazy!

everyone in the office left and they didn't tell me. i don't have the tag to go out, so in a way i am locked here. i haven't have my dinner and i won't be having my bed tonight. life has to be this cruel :(

ok, i have biscuits, full supply of water here, air-con, i tunes, and my work as my company. maybe i wasn't meant to sleep tonight because even if i stay awake i might not finish this load of work. just pray that this place doesn't catch a fire. if not i will be on the front page tomorrow.

i'll say it again

1. i'll say it again i love being a freelancer. i had been waking up at 10am, going into the office at 4pm and leaving at 8pm. when i walk into the office the girl next to me will say "people going home already le."
2. i'll say it again i need superpower. 3 days away from presentation and i have 6 new articles to layout, 6 main features to relayout (yes, relayout means it is all approved and now they had decided this is not how it should look like) and a lot more that i haven't even receive the project brief. okie i need my midnight msn company but he had not been online for a while. i need starbucks, but since i'm at home i will go for aik cheong iced kopi-o or maybe iced milo.
3. i'll say it again i am korean series freak. for now, since i am busy the korean soundtrack in my itunes will keep me company. the movie is running on my head :)


---
btw i finished all my work 2 days ago, i am now on my new issue. i'm so lazy to do it all over again! when will the accounts be done with my pay cheque. i have 3 with them :(

continue to believe with me

there are moments in life when there are people around you that believe in you more than you do. the way they described you doesn't seem to match who you think you are but those words are like proclaimation and it makes you become that that they said you are.

for now blessed are those who do not see (the same zealousness in me today) but still believe. i believe in you too no matter what situation you are in. i do, i really do. i guess i am saying i am who i am because you believe in me. so please continue to believe with me as i fight this battle. pray with me that this heart will prevail as i seek the same for you.

---
especially all of you that has walk this far with me. every sharing, sms, phone call, note, conversation, prayer and your life itself matters to me. i cannot count how many of these had brought tears and courage to me. just want you to know these had gone a long way. i definitely cannot put all of them up but here are some.


2000

most impressive design: by jon chew

most touching words:
i really do appreciate those emails and care you show, 'cos it really is encouraging and heaven-sent. Your heart for people is a gift from God, and continue to be God's good and faithful servant! God bless you in the year 2000! from the director of glue-sticking: jon

2001

most impressive design: by elaine ho

most touching words:
wassup, woman! You know ah, it is always a pleasure to have you down in KL... though i know i have a wild schedule, i always try and make it a point to meet up with you... not because of any ministry reason, but simply because that's the divine beauty of godly community... i know that whenever life may take us, no matter how far we chase our dreams and how many people we know, i look forward to the day when we are 65 (if we live that long), sitting at a living room with everyone else and hair falling off and teeth rotting.., laughing about life. loadsa luv, chris


2002

most impressive design: by hwee chuin (my pageone collegue)

most touching words:
i really looked up to you, for sharing with the camp group about intimate details about you and your ex-boyfriends! it helped to see/hear that i'm not alone - when i'm struggling with physical intimacy with my bf as well. that was the main issue i had with God at that period of time. instead of looking at me at with a different view, you shared with me what you went through, and how you emerge victorious in Christ, in the end! thanks for being you. everytime i see you worship, i'll be touched by the sincerity and simplicity you have. you bring the presence of God down everytime you worship. f


2003

most impressive design: by winnie poh

most touching words:
Finally the time has come for us to say goodbye. when elaine emailed us to prepare something for you to bring back, my mind really went through moments of how time flies. Guess it is never easy to part though i always know about your plans. i truly believe God has so much to do and bless in your life. Thanks for blessing my life in tangible and intangible ways. In my memory bank, when i think of you, dear sister... will always be your zeal in serving God... your "realness" yap, you are so real, in your sharing, your prayers, the way you present your life. Remember your "Phoebe's Gift project" when you share your hurts, your expectation and yet in those tears, you choose to be strong in the Lord. You know at that time, my heart hurts for you and yet i see so much of that "real" chaiyen wanting to please God. know what i'm saying? think i will miss having someone like you to remind me of being real for God. so much memories... i thank God for bringing you into my life to see His blessings for me. we may be physically apart but spiritually close because in Him we are one big family. shirley

You are greatly appreciated! You are indeed an asset to every ministry you serve in! This year's youth camp would never had been what it was if not for you. You potray a beautiful balance between truth and grace; persistence and flexibility; conviction and submission. SIB KL is blessed to have you back. Love, Kay


2004

most impressive design: by chai qiao

most touching words:
you are really the woman! how can find another like you. even in this camp, God worked through you by putting inspiration of an activity based camp. even the details of the camp, the message of the camp, was inspired by God through you. thanks chaiyen for being that of what you are, that vessel God has filled and you have pour out to many. glad to be in this journey with you. in a journey, we will cross a few that will help us, will be an inspiration to us, be a nudge to get us going. hey you are one of them in my journey. jelly


2005

most impressive design: by greg and machamps

most touching words:
a leader, a friend, a mentor, a person i feel is special. you are someone that has truly struck my heart greatly for your love and dedication for us and our generation. i thank you for your time in growing us. yumeng

---
there are too many to mention but trust me i still keep every single cards and gifts you gave me. let me prove to you. please locate your own item.

i love being a freelancer

i am back to enjoying my life as a freelancer:
1. wake up at 10am
2. go to the office at non peak (jam) hours
3. leave the office at 3pm to watch "superman returns"
4. go for 2 hours lunch
5. leave the office once i am done with stuff there

i am so happy, i just know that those around me are dead jealous.

---
if my clients call me at 9.30am or 5pm, they will ask "ru sleeping?" (cause i sound like one, i guess)
i will exclaim "no! of course not! no!..." (cause i will sound a bit unprofessional if i am right? haha)

touch

In LA we walk behind steels and glass. we miss the touch so much we crash into people just to feel that touch.
opening of the movie CRASH

one once told me that we need a certain amount of touch each day for healthy living. i am so out of touch with people i suddenly become very sensitive when a person touches me. it happens twice last week, two very different guy and it was just a little push at the back - kind of directing me to go first. both times i had to calm myself not to overreact. i think it is because that hand rubs on my skin.

i guess eventhough that is not my first love language i need them.
---
I need Your love
Like the desert needs the rain
I need Your touch
Like the fire needs the flame

One moment without You near
Is heartache i cannot bear
A lifetime with You O Lord
Is heaven i long to know
Heaven

Come cover me
Like the ocean meets the shore
Shine on my life
Like the morning
Steals the night

Heaven by Reuben Morgan/Hillsong

case study

did i not said that was a common theme? even superman returns puts her in this dilemma, richard (James Marsden) or superman (Brandon Routh)? as usual both are equally good looking. this guy had always been here for you, life would be happily ever after if he doesn't comes back. ok is it time to sing "boy i miss your kisses, boy i'm sorry you are 25 minutes (okie maybe 5 years) too late". but then again if she really loves him maybe she should had waited. or she should not? and why did superman not think, if i take too long she will not know i still love her.

okie i leave this to the guys what do you think?

superman can see through the wall but not through her heart. i mean don't you think that her expression had already betrayed her. too bad for superman for not believing she still likes him, i mean the husband knows it - if not he will not ask her to go to the hospital (and i told you about MR Perfect, didn't i? he knows your heart). even that blur friend Jimmy (Sam Huntington) knows it - "ya she is married but she still likes him, you know who?" this is for those who wants to know it for themself but can't judge like superman, then i think you should stay with hearing from friends hahaha. anyway so what if superman knows that she loves him more, he will not go so low as to covet another man's wife for love. so this is to wrap up the first story, that's it. that's the end. superman made his choice. she did what was left for her.

this is the final question. so in life do you choose the person you love to married or the person you can live with? didn't a lot of wedding speeches quote this "don't married one you can live with, married one you can't live without". it is already not easy to find one that you can't live without, till you thought you had found him he might not feel the same. and maybe he finds one he can't live without and she doesn't feel the same. so at the end of the day who should be the one that compromise? or what should be the deciding factor?

i want to work for a company that does research for this area of life, i can commit my lifetime doing this. but for now, we can start small. pls sent in your letters to dear chaiyen... from anonymous/confused :) we will do an analysis of your case.

forwarded junk mail that captured my attention

This guy, a Shanghai university student, wanted to express his unfathomable love to his sweetheart. So, what did he do?

He gave chocolates to all the girls living in the University student apartments and asked them to turn their lights on or off at 8pm that night. See the pic for the effect

Truly Breathtaking! You don't need to guess his sweetheart's reaction. Hundreds of students came over later to witness this great piece of Art driven by the Greatest Emotion known to Man - 'Love'.

one THREE hill drama

there are a few titles i need to tackle. do invite all you out there to answer. frequently asked question or questions that i frequently ask others.

1. would you choose someone you love more* or be with someone that loves you more?
my answer: i would choose someone that loves me more because i believe it is not difficult for me to give my whole heart to someone and commit myself. therefore when someone loves me more than i do, i will not find myself feeling insecure. that had always been my option but then i wonder why all the korean series girls always choose to be hurt loving the one that doesn't really care about them, letting go the Mr Perfect. well i guess when you found that one, it is really not about your mind telling you who is perfect anymore. because at that time one thing Mr Cool does makes you weak compare to 100 things Mr Perfect does.
*it does mean that someone you love more might make you cry/ gives you more heartache but maybe it is better than not being with another.

eg: superman returns [richard or superman], full house (korean series), autumn in my heart (korean series), stairway to heaven (korean series), mvp valentines (taiwan series)


2. can best friends become couple?
my answer: yes my bf must be my best friend but not all my best friends can be my bf. sometimes dont have that feel. but i guess the challenge is can we become best friends again if the relationship doesn't work out. so it make sense why many didn't dare to enter into such relationship but then again who told you that best friends last forever anyway?

eg: friends (sitcom), my best friend's wedding


3. will you continue to go after a girl if you thinks that she doesn't like you? will you find out for yourself rather than allow all the rumours and signs make you doubt?
my answer: i always think a guy should check out for himself. do not guess "maybe she likes the other guy", "her signs show that she is not interested", "my friends think that we are not ngam". i can't recall any movies but there are way to many that has this kind of miscommunication that cause them to end up with another partner before getting together or not even together.

honestly what if she tells you she doesn't like you, will you still keep going after her. does this only happen in movies :)

eg: notting hill, summer scent (korean series), one tree hill [brooke and lucas] (english series)

---
yes, i am a korean series freak. could it be these movies give me unreal fantasy of relationship. or could it be these movies are there to bring to past desires and endings that we wished but are not fulfilled. to let us have a glimpse of things that we want to see, to hear words we long to hear, to give us hope for a better ending.

what i listen to

click on image to view

what do i hear when i was working? didn't know i was a fan of chinese song. but i guess my conclusion is... you won't really get bored with chinese songs* even though you run it a 100 times :)

sorry for the lack of songs choice, i am not a pro in this. therefore if i have my alternatives i normally play the radio.

*btw i didn't download any of this. it is download by others or pass to me in a thumbdrive.

please-take-me-home

have you ever prayed a "please-take-me-home-to-heaven-to-be-with-you" prayer? what were the circumstances when you did?
question from the john bevere's book

to be honest i did, but it is not so much i desire to be with the Lord like what the author said but more like i suddenly lost touch of the meaning and reason to life.

i just no longer know what i'm working for.
i just no longer have a cause that i can die for.
i just no longer know where to channel my love to.

in another word i no longer know why i'm taking my next breath. i'm no longer impacting anyone, nor is anyone affecting me. but then again i know that i will still wake up tomorrow morning. so i'm just sustaining this physical being praying in desperation that God will shed some light.

reason number two would be i rather die while i still want God in my life then the time comes when i do not know Him anymore.

all i can say now, is what i had said 3 years ago at muar.
"stay with God! take heart. don't quit. i'll say it again: stay with God.'
(Psalm 27.13-14, The Message)

*this is not suicidal, this is the tired of life pleading for mercy kind of prayer. not sure if any of you feel this way before but this is the first time i ever feel like this. this journal entry was taken from my diary written a week ago.

here i stand
forever in Your mighty hands
living with Your promise
written on my heart

i am Yours
surrendered wholly to You
You set me in Your family
calling me Your own

now i
i belong to You
all i need
Your spirit, Your word, Your truth
hear my cry
my deep desire
to know you more

in Your name
i will lift my hands
to the King
this anthem of praise i bring
heaven knows
i long to love You
with all my heart
i belong to You!

stop scolding, i can't take it

it is leng's graduation ceremony yesterday. i didn't blog about it because my heart was just too heavy by the end of the night. this is the other issue that i had been trying all my life but had not perfected yet, and i'm not sure if i ever will.

the night before
1st call
cy: where is pasarakyat bus terminal?
dad: i'll check, call you back later.

2nd call
cy: where is grand season hotel? we are not fetching him from the bus terminal already.
dad: the pasarakyat terminal i suspect is behind the....
cy: no i'm not going to the bus terminal already. i'm asking where is the grand season hotel.
dad: listen to me, blah blah.... the pasarakyat is at the... road near...
cy: no, i...
dad: listen to me....
so after chaileng and i put down the phone we didn't know where is the hotel but at least the landmarks he gave was helpful.

during the ceremony
dad: delete all your stupid photos, the card is full
(i checked and found out that there are only 15 photos inside)
cy: something is wrong because i took 128 photos when i was in bangkok... and i had already emptied the card.
dad: don't you talked nonsense... you all are always irresponsible... don't know how to use this thing.
later i caught him saying to joe (leng's bf), "something is wrong with this camera, normally can take 128 photos." why can't he agree with me when i say it?

we had dinner with my cousin, i asked him to come along. then he asked me where are we going after that. so i told them i'm bringing them to bangkok jazz. he said he don't mind coming to have a drink. i didn't want to say no to him, even though it is a bit stressful to bring him along but i thought maybe we can try having a bit of fun time together.

at bangkok jazz
dad: tell them (my cousin who is sitting in front of him) we can bring them to one utama tomorrow where there is a grand piano there for ppl to play.
cy: oh really, where is it?
dad: one utama
cy: yah i know which restaurant? or floor or what?
dad: one utama new wing, one utama new wing, one utama new wing. stupid.
cy: i'm asking which restaurant!!... nvm i don't want to know already.

after bangkok jazz
dad: my face is a bit red because of the beer. you drive.
in my heart, i really don't want to do it. but i had to take the key and i prayed to God "pls don't allow me to make any mistake"
"look out! cars behind"
"don't drive at 100km/h... why are you speeding" (it is federal highway btw and i am trying to cut a car, from then onwards i drove at 60-80km/h)
"drive so many years already also never improve, so lousy."

the worst part of the night
dad: i just wish i don't go out with you so often so that we don't need to talk so much.
cy: yah i agree.

if you had watched i not stupid too, you will understand how i feel. i know he loves me, and he had his point. i know it is just how he talks but sometimes i just can't help but answer back. sorry i needed an outlet to let go. i mean it is not all bad, now this is the better part.




the chinese idiom goes "mo kum tai ke tau, mo tai kum tai teng mou" (direct translation= don't have such a big head don't wear such a big hat, which means don't have such capability don't take the task. just joking but the hat was literally too big for her.




joe and leng, specially for qw and those who don't know how leng's bf look like.


greg and i. btw our parents met and talked to each other for the first time while i was busy at the dessert counter. it was pretty interesting i thought. our parents are so cool.

my wedding photographer without the groom

i don't know who is the man i am going to spent the rest of my life with but i think he is the wedding photographer i would want. the best i had seen so far from malaysia.

but then my cousin bro, weimin shooting is so good so why i am looking for a photographer :)






he is coming to kl tonight. i will have the pleasure to bring him to murni to drink mango special and cheese naan. man! i love to do that.

why do you keep me at a distance?

i know they are a lot more ppl that read this blog than those few that always leave their comments. why is that so you are not leaving a word? why do you just want to watch me from afar? is it because you run out of things to read? or is it because you want nothing to do with my life anymore?

so what when you know that i cried last night?
so what when you know that i'm down with fever?
so what when you know that i had got a big client?

so what when you know that i got hurt by ppl?
so what when you know that i'm lost?
so what when you know that something is bothering me?

i want ppl to cry with me and sayang me.
i want ppl to laugh with me and laugh again.
i want ppl to praise me and celebrate with me.

i want ppl to disagree and reason with me.
i want ppl to think with me and enlighten me.
i want ppl to miss me and leave me notes.

i want you to know your presence are special to me, and i long to commune with you. pls don't leave me talking to myself.

*i wrote this with tears. i don't know why. maybe i am the only few ppl in this world that wants ppl to talk to me and not just hear me. once again, forgive me for talking so much... i am beginning to learn that ppl are not like me.

pre-relationship syndrome

she doesn't answer his phone nor reply his sms.
he gets impatient, confused and frustrated.
he asked me, why do she behaves this way:
A. "is it because she doesn't like me anymore?"
B. "or she is angry with me? could it be she is just busy."

hahaha. he asked the right person, i am of the same species. this situation is very different from the previous post. that was a post-relationship syndrome, this is a pre-relationship syndrome :)

i told him because she is tired of liking him. she had done everything she can to hint to him she likes him but he is still not doing anything. she is a girl you see, so she cannot be the one that drop the big question. now, she is doing what is in her power to do. her last trick, cutting it all off and "see how it is without my presence" hahaha.

anyway he cannot stand the silent treatment so he is going to pop the big question (there you go he gives in, anyway this doesn't always work. it only happens when he wants her enough). well, i might not be right. maybe it is "A" but i mean if he really loves her, no harm asking right? the greatest loser is the man that has every power to kau a girl but not do it because of pride. and that poor little girl who cannot do anything can just sit down there and wait. if both remain to do so, down the drain goes another beautiful love story. why let this happen if you know both of you love each other? why not give it a try.

in every area of lives... this is how you conquer the world. fear not rejection or failure, fear what you miss out if you do not act.

ego boost

i lost contact with this friend of mine, she was one of my best friend when we were in primary school. her kl number had changed to 8 digits and i don't know what is the magic number to add. i asked a few ppl around and they told me they don't know where she is.

suddenly i received a call from her. she is currently residing in canada. how did she find me? she actually typed in "wong chai yen" in yahoo search and found me. wow. i didn't know i am second in the list.

one of my ex collegue once said "if you want to see if you are famous or not, just key in your name on the yahoo/google search." let me see page one of yahoo and google search i have two entries. not bad, not bad at all.

3 things that still amaze me

1. how did i end up in a presidential suite. i paid S$80 for 4 days, 3 nights.

hotel manager: i am sorry, we run out of rooms. but because you had booked, is it ok we give you the presidential suite. you do not have to pay more.
cy: erm, okie we take a look at the room first then we will consider. (actually i am trying to control my excitement)


our big living room, this is the place we watched japan-brazil, played cranium and grabble


personal tv in every room, even with a bath tub but i didn't have the time to enjoy it


and how about this, man! i want to get this thing. from my bed i can switch off the lights from every corner of the room, even the tv

2. the sports car wannabe on the street

they are not sports car even though they qualify to be. the way they drive i think they rarely use their brake. i personally prefer to stop the pink cab :)

3. the school girls

i just can't get my eyes off these school girls, they wear heels and handbags to school, that is so cool

---
i took many photos but only found myself in a few, here you go:

i keep forgetting to take photo, so i took one from my room


must use this tanning lotion: Golden Tanning Blend, Banana Boat


suan lum, this place is pretty cool and the food here are really yummy


this ice thingin is really nice, oh yah i am eating things from the street again!

more photos

GOD is bigger than a box

after communion today, they played a video of the cruxification of Christ as they sang the final song. honestly it is quite helpful usually because it helps to remind us of God's suffering and goodness. there is really nothing wrong with it i know. my only guess, God is teaching me something new, when i heard this:

"Do not allow the image to tell you what happen at the cross, because no image is enough to potray what i went through. i ask not for your sympathy or compassion but that you know that i am God. Not because i died for you on the cross but that i am God before that. i did not die for you to be God but only because i am God, i can die for you."

that moment i immediately uttered "surely, You are God"

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on thursday i was late for dinner with the girls. so when i arrived a thought came to me: should i pray for a parking?

then a voice:
"stop praying just for blessings"

then another:
"do i still believe God can answer such prayer?"

immediately i know which is God's voice, i prayed "i still believe". before i could finish, i saw a car reversing :), then i realised she was just reparking her car. my faith was shaken but i found strength to believe so i shut that doubt away "i still believe". the next thing i saw was a parking. it is impossible to find a parking there if you understand what i mean but it happened.

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both of these situations i think are trying to teach me the same thing. all the things that we learn are good, for example don't only come to God for blessings but if we allow all these teachings to shape out who God really is or what He can really do. i think then we had reduce God. basically God's lesson for us at different time can be just really different, and i believe truly a lifetime is not enough to learn and that is the beauty of it.

if you are still wondering why am i not serving in any ministry now, it is simple, i am just learning how to live life with God daily. i no longer dream of moving mountains or conquering lands. i just want to make sure that He is in my heart. the joy of talking to my youth not because i need to, reading my bible not because i must, giving to the poor not because i want to be an example. simply for the joy of my master.


And this is the real and eternal life: that they know You, the one and only true God. John 17

i need the power

i am very tired... i feel like the adrenaline rushing inside me from my body to my head. the national library, singapore project deadline is tonight. i can't count how much time i have left, my brain is not functioning. i need starbucks, rub rub and sayang.

oh God, tonight give me the power to do the impossible again.

trust

How long more O Lord?
Will you forget me forever?
... But i have trusted in your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because He had dealt with bountifully with me.

Psalm 13.5-6

From 'how long more?' to 'singing in joy' is all about the word TRUST. trust in His faithfulness and your heart will leap with joy. the funny thing with this word TRUST is, it is not tangible nor visible. so how do we show it. the good thing is God knows. the question is: how do you let another person know you trust him? you can't. he just has to trust that you do. so remember guys, don't use this frequently used phrase "you don't trust me". think first, because if you say that you have first show distrust.

thanks be to God who always love and trust us so much more, even more than ourself at many times. because of that, we all can slowly learn to trust again.

hahahahaah

laugh till i can't hold my camera properly


a compilation of quanwei's jokes/ best of best

day 1

qw: when the locals say to us 'sawade ka'. this is how you respond, look at my hand...


SAWADE KA!


day 2

cy: hey where do you get the eggs?
qw: oh you knock on the head of the chicken 3 times, the egg will come out.


btw this is my daily yummy breakfast


day 3

qw: wow the jap buffet last night was really feeling... if i eat more i will be like the merlion.




day 4

cy: eh why are you not eating egg this morning
qw: arghh, i ate the chicken last night


he ordered fried chicken expecting 2 pieces but he was served a whole chicken. and so there goes the chicken that provide eggs for our daily breakfast :)

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more
1. value air air stewardess: the total age for our crew on this flight is 232
the woman sitting next to me: what was that for? for us to buy 3D is it?

2. brazil vs japan game, after the first goal
cy: yeahhhh, japan put in a goal before brazil hahhhha
jerrine (brazilian fans): who is that kamade (translation: your mother!)


we found this big board on the street reminding us of the time of the upcoming game. isn't that cool?

3. cy: so what do my travel insurance cover? what if i lost my laptop? how much will they pay me back? can i lose it pls, i want to buy the new macbook.
alvin (who is also our insurance agent): i have a bad feeling selling the insurance to you

an agent feel intimidated for the first time :)

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what's new
1. cy: i want to go watch tiger show
i shall not mention who: eeeeeee..... why chaiyen do you know what they do? they open the can with their vagina... yuks.
cy: huh serious how do they do that?

2. steph: what are we playing? "asshole tai di" (cards game)?
cy: huh what is the different between asshole tai di and cho tai di? got such game?

3. alvin: when you go for bargain just say "pheng" (thai tanslation= so expensive, cantonese= so cheap)
cy: okie i get it, put a straight face and go "pheng" (thai) even though it is very "pheng" (cantonese) already

---

a total of 12 of us in the trip. 5 were down with diarrhoea, fever and were vomitting. 2 fell sick with sore throat and fever.

the last five standing: quanwei, laifong, steph, weiling and i. we had la ji thong (rubbish bin) tummy. and yah i am the only one buying all kinds of food from the street. i am well trained from malaysia mamak, we eat next to the drain.

---
and i am really sleepy now... staying awake to finish both my clients work till 6am this morning... zzz. see how long i can stand tonight.

my last 24 hours

yesterday was my last 24 hours to work till i start packing for my holiday. it is quite a bad timing, since my holiday dates are the most critical time actually because there is a presentation two days after i come back. besides, i have other jobs on top of that. that is why i am in the office till 11.30pm and yah i just finish my dinner, which is fairly good compare to my many OT. those who knows me will know what i mean.

but i don't care because i am looking forward to my first trip to bangkok and spending time with all my old friends which i believe will give me a good measure of lame jokes and laughters. why am i paying so much more to go from singapore? all for my beloved singapore friends, i paid for the company. with friend like me, who need more friends :)

will be back on sunday. don't miss me too much.

monday blues

if you are feeling monday blues this morning. this might help.

gosh my friend is so cute.

maybe someone can give some answers

someone ask me this:
do guys call you out only when they are interested in you? i am just curious why the abrupt change when they suddenly stop calling you out
she is refering to her ex and another guy who is no longer interested in courting her.

another ask me this:
why is he saying all these mean things to me? before this i am his world, then now can't be bothered

then another make this statement:
you know i used to think that he listens and we can talk. people say it is common but i refuse to accept it

it is amusing why they asked me this, is it because i just broke up and they want to find out if every guy is the same. or maybe they just want to find a girl to relate to.

i have to be fair, not every guy does that. even though it is rare. this might be some of the answers:
1. it is a waste of time taking you out since they are not interested in you. there are many more things to do, you know. btw phone bill is suddenly expensive.
2. if it helps to make you feel better, they love you so much that they must not talk to you so that they can go on and do other things.

i am not a guy so obviously i can't answer that. so here you go guys, you might want to give them some answers. but be gentle.

i not stupid too

many unspoken words from our heart, love that is not communicated well. if only the world learn better how to say the word "I Love You" and "I'm sorry". never hear both that phrases from my dad before but don't remember i say any of that either. as usual i cry in every movie. this is a simple touching movie.

old friends new friendship

1. had been going out with the girls more than our weekly dinner, for eg gym, mahjong, climbing
2. had been going out with edwin a lot just to play pool
3. had been chatting online a lot with edmund* and lemuel
4. had been going out with justin** a lot for drink, movies and dinners

i had been going lunch with some collegue. it had been fun but i have to confess i am much more excited for those in the category up there. yah i pray that i will have new friends but even more that many old friendships will be restored.

*this guy is in the State now. he send me an email out of a blue from an email i send him 6 years ago, yah can you imagine he still keep that email.
**he is my second ex bf, we had known each other for 10 years now. it is funny what we can talk about, literally anything for eg "which is you favourite girlfriend, is it me?" :)

3 movies in a row

1. on sunday went for cars with the two chris' and some others
2. on monday, i got free tickets for RV preview so i called justin along.
3. on tuesday, justin got free tickets for the omen.

now do we pay for tickets anymore, but i have to say all the 3 movies are so so only.

memories cannot be redo or undo

for those of you who are not in kl, for your information we had our very first service in our new church building today. i had not help in the moving nor the preparation for this day and therefore only walk into the hall for the very first time this morning.

many had different thoughts about it but most missed the old sanctuary where many memories and events had taken place. i understand what they all meant but strangely i do not feel anything at all. maybe i had come to learn that no memories can be redo. we can only ask for new one to come. so what can the new building do to us? it cannot take away our memories but on the brighter side it can bring about more memorable days. for me the season there is over, may we believe that the glory of the latter will be greater than the glory of the formal house.

to be very honest, today in the service i did not feel the extra presence of God. but with the church that big, i enjoyed the fact that i can be lost in the crowd and just worship freely. at the end of the day, it is still the preparation of my heart that matters. i will try again next week :)

the little that is left

why do i feel so comfortable eating alone at Starbucks and on the other hand i will never go for a meal alone in a kopi-thiam. i guess that is why Starbucks can charge me so much more, it allows me to be alone without feeling uneasy - just with the company of iced latte.

today, with the book Drawing Near and my little journal.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall i come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while they continually say to me,
'Where is your God?"
When I remember these things,
I pour out my soul within me.
Psalm 42.2-4

it is easier to desire to say these verses than to say that i pray these verses. why do so many of us struggle with what we want to do and what we do? this will be how my prayer sound like now:

why do i not feel the emptiness of my soul?
how do i cry out to the living God?
i know in my mind i am looking for You,
yet that very same mind ask me, "Where is your God?"
but i will not give up, oh i will not lose heart.

i will keep telling You about my days,
i will keep telling You how i feel.
though some may tell me You are not interested in my life,
though some may tell me You are busy with greater things,
though it might sounds like a one way conversation.
but i know You want to know me,
and i know You are listening to me.

this is how i keep my relationship with You,
i will keep talking to You,
i will hold on this little that is left,
and i know, oh yes i know, one day You will speak to me too.

i remember, You are my ever presence God.


from Your ever stubborn girl :)

---
One more short note:

Dr Paul,

did you remember the last time my knee swell? it happens again. and yah it cause a bit of numb feeling at the feet. one of this could be the reason:
1. driving in a very long traffic jam (which was my guess the cause the previous time as well), gosh i need a chauffeur!
2. gym (unlikely because i had not gone to gym for a week)
3. not enough sleep (but what has it got to do with the knee hahaha)

i remember you mentioned that it was okie, not such a big deal but what was it already? i went to the doctor the last time and i did felt better after taking the pills. so can you tell me if it is okie it happens again?

thanks.

in awe of myself

Few things that you need to know
1. 2 packs of 3 in 1 milo -must use 3 in 1- add a bit of hot water and stir it well, then put ice first before you fill in the remaining water will cause the milo to taste as superb as the milo van's milo :)

2. my 14 days trial with celebrity fitness had come to an end. i had done 3 body pump, 3 abt, 1 rpm and 1 yoga classes. i am so proud of myself. thanks to my super ONS friend. i might consider joining one soon, it is one good way to kill my time healthly and i enjoy doing things with my friend.

3. i slept at 5am this morning and woke up at 8am so that i can sit in the office now and do nothing.

the song of every woman

In life and death, Marilyn embodied a supremely surreal and ambiguous version of the all-American success story. Raised in orphanages and foster homes, she became the Queen of Hollywood, using her talent and her body in equal measure to ascend from one imagined tier to the next. By the end she had achieved everything any starry-eyed bit player could dream of, and along the way she had bedded a president, married a sports legend and literary giant, and captured the adulation of the world more completely than any actress of any time. She could be in turns a bitch and a baby, cunning and helpless, the goddess of sexual promise and the ghost of oblivion. She was a woman who could move, in the afternoon, from the trembling mess of insecurity and self-doubt into and absolute master of her art. No one before or since has put more electricity and magic onto a piece of film.
excerpts from the book Murder in Mind by Kirk Wilson


As i read more and more about her life, how she got famous and had every attention that she wanted. many men will fall for her, i mean of course she is dead gorgeous. who would think that inside this woman she cried the same song of every woman, a desire to be loved more than just for her body and sex. from one man to another, she was craving for that. records had it her few calls were rejected by her lover before she took her last breath. wow can't believe one will not take up her calls.

"If fifteen men were in the room with her," said one Hollywood publicist, "each would be convinced he was the one she'd be waiting for after the others left."

She had no problem attracting guys, she had problem finding one that loves her enough to stay. if the goddess of love who had men at the tip of her fingers struggled to be accepted and to find this thing call love. what makes it easier for us?

the ragamuffin gospel

ps victor asked us this 3 years ago in the E03 sexuality session. "how many of you struggle with masturbation?" then he quickly continued, "... i am not refering to the guys only, also the girls." he was too specific i cannot help it but raised up my hand. but i guess i dared to lift it up only because all eyes were close.

I experienced a significant breakthrough into the freedom of the children of God at my first AA (alcholic annonymous) meeting. In the past I would have set great store not only on looking good but on thinking too often about who is looking. My self-image as a man of God and a displined disciple had to be protected at all costs. My ravenous insecurities made my sense of self-worth rise and fall like a sailboat on the winds of another's approval and disapproval. It was supreme moment of liberation to stand up, kick the pedestal aside and simply state: "My name is Brennan, I am an alcoholic."
excerpts from book The Ragamuffin Gospel

ya i no longer believe in confessing a sin only after i have a breakthrough. yes i have struggle with that all my life since i know how, and this is my last try: to confess before men and GOD. it might be a bit late to confess now since i don't really find any satisfaction in it, in fact i felt i look rather stupid but as promise.

*don't ask me how i do it. i don't use vibrating machine, nor do i start touching myself. anyway stop imagining, masturbation starts there :)

so ppl do read this thing

given that people don't normally leave a message on my tagboard i was just thinking the other day that maybe ppl don't really read this blog. but then again while i was visiting their blogs i found out that they do read my blog. now i am happy and i shall continue blabbing.

these are what i meant:
1. 10 things i hate about you by robin
2. tomorrow will never be the same by yanlin
3. emotions are not control by reasoning by jon ng*
*he doesn't has a blog but i believe if he does it will be on his blog :)

on the other hand, i am feeling what she is feeling about work.

keep talking to me, it keeps me going. and you there keep blogging i am reading.

tomorrow will never be the same

creative director: i need you to come into the office to work for the first issue
chaiyen: when do i start?
creative director: can you start tomorrow?
chaiyen: tomorrow? erm... okie

i walked off the building, first i need to change my friday lunch appoinment. so i met auntie lee choo for lunch immediately. then i had to cancel my massage session tomorrow and squeezed it into the evening. at night i went out for pool, then i realised i cannot go back too late because i had some work to finish before tomorrow comes.

from tomorrow onwards
1. i will be going to into the office from 9am - 5pm
2. i will not be able to wake up at noon anymore
3. i will be joining the morning traffic jam
4. i will have no more afternoon nap
5. i will not be able to finish watching all my outstanding dvds
6. i will not be able to run my errands at non peak hour anymore
7. i will be late for dinner appointments if i can't finish my work
8. i will not have the luxury to meet ppl at anytime they want
9. i will not be able to keep chatting on msn
10. i will have to join the evening traffic to go home

but it is good
1. i was just thinking if i should go back to full time to kill my time and this is perfect
2. i can get out of my crazy sleeping hours, take less noon nap and sleep earlier at night
3. i will know some new friends
4. i got to wear all my nice dresses and skirts
5. i can still go for bangkok in the middle of june, the off days are approved
6. i will earn more money
7. i will have this client as my long term client after this month
8. i can still do my freelance at night
9. i am very excited because it is something new again
10. i can leave as soon as i am done :)