Tuesday, August 28, 2007

people before papers

why i tend to be overpassionate over what i care about. when i so often forget how to rest...

i think im always busy. and it all depends on what im passionate about in that season. work, ministry, friends, bf...

i only realised that when my phone start ringing again. there were a season of time when my phone never really ring except for calls from my bf. yes pathetic, i never believe in relationship on top of friends. but somehow i dont know where everyone else was.

but the thing is, if to meet ppl once a day should be the norm. then im abnormal. cause in average now i meet at least one friend a day. yes i said at least, if not 2-3. so much so dinesh ask me "why do you have so many yam cha sessions? you are a yam cha queen" i go for birthdays, lunch, dinner, farewell, new born, movies. on top of that, i cannot help but be there for the broken hearted -- break up, agonising complicated relationship victim and got rejected fella.

so i work really late, woken up by a call that rush me into the office. sometimes from one client office to the other. from morning till the sun goes down. i could barely keep both my eyes open. then my phone ring. yam cha? at the sound of the voice, my heart melts. so off for one session. before my foot could barely step into the house, my phone ring again. a little update of the horrible situation he is going through... awww better company this person, if not sitting alone at home will kill him. before i know it, it is 2am. take my shower, sit in front of the laptop. then i go through the list of my things-to-do. which is urgent? everything is. pray a short prayer to do the impossible –- to stay awake. and then the cycle repeats itself.

i am not complaining about ppl calling me. im really enjoying it. though sometimes i think im quite crazy to still go out after work. but im glad i did. people before papers. definitely.

everything i wanted i took – i never said no to myself. i gave in to every impulse, held back nothing. i sucked the marrow of pleasure out of every task my reward to myself for a hard day's work! then i took a good look at everything i'd done. looked at all the sweat and hard work. but when i looked, i saw nothing but smoke. smoke and spitting into the wind. there was nothing to any of it. nothing. solomon, ecclesiastes my favourite book from the bible

if im just enjoying work, it is meaningless. therefore i need to spent time with living souls. i have no regrets even though i do not have enough sleep. i only pray that God will see my sweet heart and spare me from having wrinkles. having said that im enjoying my work too.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

when monday is not as blue

why lonely ppl feel worst on the weekend. when monday is not as blue as it used to be to some...

"i used to spent a lot of time with him on the weekends"
"where are you going tonight, just sitting at home thinking of him is driving me crazy"
"want to do a movie, any movie... i just don't want to stay at home"

i know how most of us hate monday. because there goes our rest day. recently only i realised actually some ppl in this world hate weekends. they hate it when everybody have plans. not that they don't, but they don't have it with that particular person. so weekends remind them how much they miss the person. when work and everything else is taken away from them. they don't know what else to do but to think of that person.

as for me i love weekends now, because i have more ample time on the weekends to finish up my work. as for me, i love them both because it is a different challenge and i get to meet a different group of ppl. but days had been passing by me really quickly. im really trying to do my best to seize the moment everyday.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

i found the key out of the dungeon of love

why you can still love someone when he is not present but you can't love someone when hope is not present. when i know that is just what he was trying to do all along...

love is something so powerful, it causes you to be able to love despite. i saw this title on my 14 years old sister's msn and i thought it is pretty cool. she claimed that she copied that from friendster template.

"to meet you is fate. to be your friend is a choice. to love you was beyond my control"

it is funny and weird at the same time. not sure if it does happen to other ppl but as for me, i am capable to like someone that is not there for years. in fact it is easier to love someone that is not there than that is there. because when he is there he irritates me, he showed me the side of him that i realised i don't like. he triggers questions and make me ask myself if i can live with that for the rest of my life. but when he is not there i held on to the good memories and only think fondly of him.

so come the point of this blog. that the person you love very much has to be the same person that makes you not love him because to him is given the power to make you lose that feelings. why so many in this world are going through the agony of love? loving someone that do not feel the same for them. because us being man are selfish. we want to be love and though we would not want the relationship, we don't mind having someone that constantly love and wait on us. it feels good to know that there is someone in this whole wide world that loves us despite and inregardless how we feel for them. i mean if not that we can really feel the other person sufferings and you won't mind that kind of attention for your own security.

having said that, im not trying to justify my own cruelity. a moment of truth: honestly i still cared then. i called his friend to make sure he is ok in the hospital, just that i didn't want him to know i care a bit, so i didn't let him know. i put up the strong front and i know it works. i know he hates me for that but i figured it is not fair for me to have my life back while he pays for it. i need to undo the image of this nice person that he was so-in-love-with. by that i meant make myself not so lovable.

and so i want to say, im not at all mad at him. to me it takes a totally unselfish person to do that. thankful because i think it still works. i think i can officially say im a free person now. free from this issue of love. it is weird at some moment that this tormenting feelings that i had been living with is suddenly no longer there. but im more than grateful if God spares me from this till the right person comes along. my heart is not really young anymore play this type of emotional game.

yes im saying, dont sent the wind and sparks of love to me.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

handle with care

my baby is officially scarred. sob sob

sometimes you pass your heart to others and you expect them to handle with care. they don't mean to do so, but they drop it once in a while by accident.

ok i still love my sister

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


i hate myself for losing the discipline in everything. busy is not an excuse. so watch out for this space from tomorrow onwards. i will come back to this blogging thing again. cause i just hate letting everyday pass me by without reflecting on it.

as of today:
1. im thankful for friends, especially those that i had been spending time with recently
2. im loving my 3 companies and colleagues i befriended
3. im excited about hearing God's voice and talking to Him again

i think yah, life is treating me well. beginning to see the light at the end of my tunnel. life is looking up. i had observed loads of new things recently and it had been repeatedly running through my mind.
1. why lonely ppl feel worst on the weekend. when monday is not as blue as it used to be to some...
2. why i tend to be overpassionate over what i care about. when i so often forget how to rest...
3. why ppl can't find my house. when i wish this will be over soon...
4. why 3 weeks seem like forever. when i just can't wait to go for my holiday...
5. why you can still love someone when he is not present but you can't love someone when hope is not present. when i know that is just what he was trying to do all along...

Henry James wrote, "Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." lucas opening quote in oth

Thursday, August 16, 2007

find someone:

1. that will fight for you
2. that will wait for you
3. that will love you

just a strong impression this morning. not sure if it has got to do with my weird phone call yesterday.

yw: do you have anything from God to me?
cy: huh? why would you say this?
yw: because you call me out of the blue earlier and ask me how am i? then later in the evening i broke off with my gf. so i'm just wondering if you heard anything
cy: erm no... wah you think go temple ask god don't need to give money ah?
yw: christian God dun need mah, only the chinese god need to pay money haha...

the 3 critireas up there might be a sign my next prince charming is coming. well if a non christian thinks that i can hear from God about relationship, i ought to first hear for myself.

Monday, August 13, 2007

my dad is officially worried

1. my dad speed back from dinner so that the guy doesn't need to wait for me because he was already at my place waiting for me.
2. my dad told my sis not to be a light bulb because she said she wanted to watch rush hour too.
3. my dad asked me when i came back at midnight "never go for supper? only movies?"

ok, my dad is officially worried about me not getting attach. though i told him, it is just a friend. i don't think he believes.

Friday, August 10, 2007

i love you vs i want to be with you

we don't like to tell the truth so ppl make assumption.
we tell the truth but ppl still make assumption.
they decide to keep the truth to themselves.
but hey suprise, they expect you to know their good intention.

i remember how enlighten i was when the 17 years old boy gave me the answer to 'what took guys so long to tell a girl they like them?'. he said 'because girls avoid you when they don't like you. i'll wait until i'm 100% sure they feel the same before telling them. even then, there is a risk. if not what is the point. what is the point of letting them know i like her if she is doesn't feel the same.'

erm? the point is you tell someone you like them not because you want to have them. am i shallow or guys are? i live in this world long enough to understand that i don't always get what i wish for. therefore i'm also a firm believer that eventhough i might get rejected if the other person doesn't feel the same. i should feel honour that i took the courage to tell him how i felt, it might not last long but he deserves to know. the same with the guy, he should never be repaid by losing the girl as a friend after taking such a courageous act.

why do ppl mix up 'i love you' to 'i want to be with you'? and yes guys hate this. when they couldn't understand why a girl ever say 'i love you, but i can't be with you'. but whitney sings it, didn't she? they believe that is an excuse. maybe. but maybe it is just true. the theory is like how so many of us hate to sit behind the cubical. but we still do it because we need to pay our bills. so why can't the opposite be true? maybe we both know we are from a different world and it will never work. so as much as it hurts now it is better not to go deeper and get more hurt.

if someone tells me that i will accept it. yes, i am able to receive the answer of 'no' and it will help greatly if i know the 'whys'. trust me i understand what it means by 'it wouldnt work between us'. do i look like some stupid ass that will live with a husband that doesn't love me. and so which part of being friend means i'm not letting go? why don't anyone believe that i just want to be friend? didn't we end the relationship so that we can be just friend?

as simple as 'X boyfriend' to me means '>boyfriend<' (X on top of the boyfriend word) no longer a boyfriend material. to some, it means ' boy >friend<' (X on top of the word friend) and ego boy (man wannabe, childish) in them still stand. boring. sorry im not talking about my ex bfs because im still friends with most of them. im talking about guys in general because it seems to me, none of them just want to be friends. as much as they hate how girls avoid them after they express themselves. they are the exact replica of what they hate. or unless they are just being very honest, not wasting a minute with the person that are not in their potential list.

now what i can say to that is: you think to highly of yourself that one cannot control herself when you see her too often or you will sent her the wrong signal if you continue to be her friend. EXCUSE ME! wrong signal only happens when you don't tell them the truth. i don't get the point. why you should be afraid after laying down the points. now are we dumb or we just don't understand why truth are spoken sometimes. it is so that you DON'T need to read between the lines.

maybe because we are in malaysia. i find it amusing everytime i drive pass the curve. yellow lines, 'clamming zone' board and 'no parking' stand every steps of the road. how many times we need to make a statement so that it makes sense.

When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone. oth
am just looking for friends. if you love complicated relationships, spare me. i don't need anymore of that.

Monday, August 06, 2007

fullness of life

10.00pm - 02.00am: party time. necessary, it is the weekend and i'm not expected to deliver anything tomorrow.
09.00am: woke up to met my chiropractor
10.00 - 12.00pm: company my client to check out her gowns
12.00 - 04.00pm: working at starbucks
05.00 - 07.00pm: nap
07.00pm: dinner with my family
07.00 - 09.00pm: work
10.00 - 03.00am: chill and drink with m. it was a good time.*
04.00am: just clear some stuff. working with a little hangover and tiredness. you really dunno which is which.
total sleeping hours = 6 hours
total working hours = 8 hours

04.30 - 07.00am: sleep
07.00 - 09.00am: work
10.00 - 01.00pm: church and i didn't sleep, trust me. art sanborn's testimony was too powerful and inspiring. even my dead and numb body comes alive
01.00 - 01.30pm: sleep in the car
01.30 - 03.00pm: my sweeties birthday party.**
04.00 - 06.00pm: nap
07.00pm: dinner with my family
08.00 - 09.30pm: work
10.00 -12.00am: kay's birthday supper
total sleeping hours = 3 hours
total working hours = 1.5 hours

12.00 - 07.00am: work (of course i did my preparation, starbucks latte to go!)
07.00 - 09.00am: sleep
09.00 - 05.30pm: work
05.30 - 06.00pm: power nap
total sleeping hours = 2.5 hours
total working hours = 15 hours

reasons for not sleeping: 3 clients – FHM, HELLO! and Parkson jobs overlapping. still enjoying life and refuse to forsake time with my friends. and of course i love ppl enough not to miss their birthday. even if they won't know i'm there. or they** are just too young to understand what birthday means.

1 year old
the mummy on the left most, she is a japanese. i chatted with her and got some tips for my japan trip. totally cool

the cake looks good

reasons for this entry:
1. i just want to give you a reason of my absence. somehow ppl are expecting an entry from me on monday morning hahaha. i meant to post this link.
2. just a short entry to tell you how amazed i'm with myself. and i'm not hating my job yet. not enough sleep but not exactly drain out. not just yet.
3. a little explanation for my previous blog entry. i'm not in love, as someone said "i'm not getting there because i hate the feelings of falling out of it". i'm just thinking aloud after the * session.
there are just too many that are hurt around, too many not wanting to get serious in a relationship and too many ending up having very complicated relationships. i'm not sure if that is the way to get off those problems.
time has change. when i was younger, we have a slight feelings for someone, we go for it and we try to take the whole relationship seriously. we want to see it happen. now, i see something else. i see ppl falling in love, refusing to admit them yet refusing to let go. ppl that don't want others to know what they are thinking anymore, ppl that don't want others to know they can feel. appearing cold, they shut off the world. not only that, they don't want to know any truths from you as well because they do not know how to handle them. they like the feeling to be in love, yet not want to commit because they do not want to know what might happen. so they just hang around close enough for you to touch their flesh, but not close enough to touch their heart.
so at the end, you have supress feelings and numbed hearts, complicated relationships, a masked society. i am really so not looking forward to see the kind of relationships that birth forth from this generation.
why am i saying all this. i dunno. it simply just keep happening around me so that blog was just a random expression of it. like an art, it doesn't really mean anything. yah, forgive me if it causes any misunderstanding. i'm entitled to be excused, looking at my total sleeping hours hahaha. i'm not thinking straight.

Friday, August 03, 2007


and i say don't mess up with the players because you are not on par with them

don't think that you are too strong to fall for that because you just might fall for them
don't think that you are smart enough not to believe this is real because girls are just girls we are just naive
don't think even for one second that when you play with fire you won't get burn

and for one moment i suddenly realised i was missing something different.
and for one moment i was thinking maybe, just maybe the feelings was real.
only for one moment then i woke up, DON'T EVEN TRY think about it again.


"i show no pretense but if a girl wants to put me on a white horse that is up to her" the player from the movie someone like you.

to feel for two person at one point is possible. but feelings doesn't mean anything anyway, you can feel for someone when you wake up but before you go to sleep the feeling is gone. it comes uninvited, sometimes refuse to go. yah girls are naive, or maybe they just choose to be that.

itunes looping: let me let go by faith hill