Wednesday, January 30, 2008

make a million


Monday, January 28, 2008

the first time

1. i did my very first digital curl and highlighted my hair for the very first time
- i will never spent more than rm150 on my hair. this time i did, the danger is to start reasoning that it is not expensive in market rate. i dont think i will highlight my hair again, i dont see the point
2. i became a starbucks addict
- i think now im spending more than ever
3. i bought myself my very first pair of levi's jeans
- honestly i have never have one. yah i dont know why. i think it is necessity
4. i step foot in tokyo for the very first time. thanks steph for making it happened
- i dare to dream of more places to go
5. i was send for a job out of the country - shanghai. thanks to josh for his recommendation
- i never thought it will happen in my lifetime
6. i was kissed on the lip by a guy that is not my boyfriend
- i swear it is the first time. it happened too fast
7. i watch grey's anatomy and fell in love with it
- i heard that movie for ages just had never start going for it
8. i have feelings for more than one guy at the same time
- i cannot believe that can actually happen to me
9. i got my first wedding planning job
- i think God knows our heart desire, and fulfill every little dreams within us
10. i had a bank account that hit more than 10k (take note of the past tense haha)
- it proves to me it is possible. i will try again this year

1. i try my very first affogato
- heavenly. had my second cup in jogoya today
2. im going for my very first family holiday since ages ago
- i dont know how we all actually agree to this but it is happening. sooner than i can believe
3. i bought my very first winter jacket
- yes, i told you im spending more than ever
4. i pay for my own insurance. not calculating what my cpf account deduct from my account
- you know where else the money goes, i did not just indulge it in pure luxury
5. i got picked up by a married man
- freaky. enuff said. *puke*
6. i never thought i could do this but to attend two weddings' dinners on the same night
- super high by the driving and rush
7. i attended the very first wedding of my ex bf
- i felt nothing. what do you think i will feel about attending a wedding of someone i love.... hmm very interesting.
8. (waiting to fill up)
9. ...
10. ...

1. i still have not start smoking
2. i still have not watch any of the lord of the rings sequel
3. i still have not watch any starwars sequels
4. i have yet to watch any harry potters sequels
5. i still have not visit our new mall pavillion
6. i still do not know why my ex bf broke off with me (and had resolved to the beauty of not knowing why)
7. i still have yet to start saving
8. i still do not have a credit card
9. i still have yet to lose my virginity
10. i do not have a potential guy going after me now

we all have our first time in everything. the theory is after you broke the rule of the first time, chances are it is easier to allow it to happen the second time. good or bad, i guess that depends on what it really is.

brides brides brides

i cannot believe i did it but i did. 3 weddings over the weekend. as i hit the highway i still cannot believe im doing it but i just followed what i decided in my heart to do putting aside the impossibility. ironically the group of friends represent different seasons of my life. my college friends drove all the way to malacca for one of our most outstanding student, my ex's friends gathered all at nilai while the rest of my very first young adults cell group friends reunite in holiday villa.

it seems to me as we age friends matters to us more and more and it doesnt matter where your weddings are. we drive, fly and even if need to we crawl our way there. i mean a couple took 30 hours to reach malacca. transiting twice, and taking a coach from kl to malacca. it was a good weekend, though i would rather have more time with every group of them.

and whoever think that it is not worth it, to attend 3 not complete weddings why not just sit down to enjoy one. after this experience, i just want you to know you are so wrong. it is totally worth it. to get a hug from my ex's wife (i told you she likes me hehe) and from the other two brides were priceless. none of them really complain i left early or came late. all thanked me with such sincere eyes i took such effort to make it. honestly it was really tiring but if that shows them i really came to celebrate with them, that is enough. im happy and satisfied despite the tiredness. for im always tired anyway but i can never attend their wedding again so i still think i made a good decision.

on a side note i talked to those married, divorced, just attached and single again. it seems like none had really figure out this thing call love.

and how about having them sing for your wedding. but i guess hearing the groom sing this was beautiful enough.

sorry, im a bit all over the place. felt a bit automobile lag. from sunway to malacca to nilai and home in 26 hours. my heart is still pumping very rapidly. the brides, brides and brides overwhelm me. conversations with old friends, new ppl and families of my friends consume me.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


yes go to sleep wong chaiyen.

and you bother to read this long article.

oh no... you are actually going to sign in to blog this. gosh....

enough is enough go to sleep.

without me realising it, im beginning to take pride about sleeping less. in fact i really think that sleeping more than 6 hours is a total waste of time. repent... wong chaiyen. sleep early, fight wrickles.

i love to sleep. but sometimes you are deprived so much of it, you forget how you used to love it. maybe it is true with everything else in life.

Monday, January 21, 2008

simple misunderstanding

love it because it simply explains the song from the hearts of men and women. especially this video how they do the duet makes even much more nicer compared to the studio recorded version. as usual my theory of a relationship, when a relationship doesnt works out no one is wrong. no one is to be blamed. i heard this song a year ago on class95 (singapore). i thought the lines were pretty good so i did what i always do, i searched for the lyrics. i forgotten all about it until this year i hear it play once again on mixfm. this is what i call a good dj. not afraid of playing a hit from century ago but reintroducing it once again to our present generation at the right time giving it another upspring. im sure this song had took a lot of attention of mixfm's listener. just read this blog you might find it quite amusing.

simple misunderstanding = the common break up cause of many relationships. women that say what they do not mean, and men that never come to do what they mean to make her stay. or at least this was the beginning cause.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

first love

let's see. it is already 1.11am and i have a whole loads of work to do but i have a new train of thought.

i almost can comfirm this. men feel more for their first love then women. sorry that is an understatement. only guys feel for their first love. it is said that it is hard to forget your first love. but i had surveyed and found that out of 10 girls, 9 dont have an inch of feelings for their first ex. not to mention we barely remember what happened and couldnt believe we once had feelings for that guy.

on the other hand i had seen so many, yes so many guys that actually would consider dating back their first gf or at least they consider them the best girl that they had ever deserve.

and when you do the maths it makes sense right. girl dates terrible guy and gave the best (that is why it is so not memorable), terrible guy dont care a shit but got a lot (that is why so memorable) then only they realised 10 years later that he once dated a really nice girl. talk about slow to response.

conclusion: women gets better and better in their choices and decision making. guys... ahhem do i need to say more. haha

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

hang on to the promise, dont compromise

ok let's start the year right. and when you have a panic attack go to the words of God.

lesson1 - dont compromise
i realised that it is always women in the bible that come out with brilliant ideas that lead to regrets. sarai giving abram her maidservant since she doesnt seem to be having babies.

the promise: Then God's message came: "Dont worry, he (your servant) wont be your heir; a son from your body will be your heir." (genesis 15.4, the message)
the compromise: sarai said to abram, "God has not seen fit to let me have a child. sleep with my maid. maybe i can get a family from her." Abram agreed to do what sarai said. (genesis 15.1-2, the message)
the promise again: God said "Your wife, sarah, will have a baby, a son. name him isaac. i'll establish my convenant with him and his descendants, a covenant that lasts forever. (genesis 17.19, the message)

just remember when God says you will, you will. so dont simply pick a guy because time is running out. and as shirley had made her point age should not be the factor to stress us to have babies when we are not ready. "if God wants me to have a baby, He will". in the midst of my years in ministry with kids, i remember once that God told me that one day i will disciple my own child... a child of my own and no longer just a spiritual children. i still have a that picture perfect family in my mind.

lesson2 - dont let age take away your beauty
i know it is freaking scary to be of this age (as you can see im not mentioning my age anymore hahaha). but i need to remember that even sarah at the age close to hundred was still attracting attentions of kings wherever she and abraham went. so cheer up girls. we can still be very attractive but i guess we should keep doing everything in our hand to do. if dolling up and going to the gym makes us feel fit and good about ourselves then do it. there is something about you-think-that-you-look-good, other wil think that you look good. it is the confidence of that person that makes them look really attractive, or at least i believe. just dont be overconfident haha... it can be torturing sometimes. let your confidence be in your moves not your words.

lesson3 - dont be afraid of marriage/relationship
i had sat down with many many ppl especially girls that are very cynical about marriage or guy for that matter. it is discussed that "no one is righteous, not even one" and im not quoting the bible, it is the words of women that believe that no man in this world will not commit adultery at least once in their lifetime. that is quite saddening to enter marriage like this isnt it, or should i say that is being very well prepared so that when it comes it doesnt take you too much of a surprise? well for me, im not saying it will never happen but if i enter a relationship im not going to think of this day and night. i believe thoughts like this screw up relationship before even anything like adultery take place. today i learned another lesson as well from the bible. that despite the many times abraham lacked the courage to speak out for the wife, God protected sarah from having any kings come close to her because He has a plan for this couple.

Now Abimelech had not yet slept with her, hadnt so much as touched her. He said, "Master (God), would you kill an innocent man? Didnt he tell me, 'She is my sister?' And didnt she herself say, 'He's my brother?' I had no idea i was doing anything wrong when i did this." God said to him in the dream, "Yes, i know your intentions were pure, that's why i kept you from sinning against me; I was the one who kept you from going to bed with her. so now give the man's wife back to him. he's a prophet and will pray for you -- pray for your life. if you dont give her back, know that it's certain death both for you and everyone in your family." (genesis 20.4-7, the message)

in a way none of us can tie a man to us day and night, neither can a man do anything to stop her wife from being touched by another man. but God can. God can be there where you cant. so fear not the possibility of troubles that will come upon us, but fear God that can protect us and our spouse from falling.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

how can love like this possibly exist?

so as usual i was reading the interviews im doing. and i was very very suprise. this actress actually married a guy he knows only for two weeks. that dude who proposed is equally crazy right? and yes this is the first time im writing this but buy HELLO! issue18 for their full story and you will understand why im that astonished. it is because she did not one bit compromise in her expectations and they are now 7 years married. the photos i was laying out proved that they are very much more loving than any couples i had seen taken photos together. so it couldnt be just for show...

i mean i had heard someone get attach within that timespan and i believe that he actually was determined to make it last. but i've also come to conclusion that making a relationship last is not a decision of one person. not even of two... but of two person at the same time. so how does she actually come to have such faith that this guy is for real? so i sit there thinking of a few passing comments that took place last week. maybe arranged marriage is really the way out for this generation –- we date too long that most of us break up more than married, we choose too much then we realised the person we chose are far from what we fall far from what we expect, we think too much and we tend to rasionalise so much that love isnt really love anymore. basically too much choices ruin our life. so yah... boy you go for it, i might consider joining you after you show me a pattern how to do it hahaha.

anyway im still not sleepy yet maybe because i sinfully slept till 1pm (something i had not done for very very long) but i need to go to sleep now because i need to go to church tomorrow morning :)

fanatically joined josh in looping this song.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

trying to keep my words

"if we dont end up together. will you attend my wedding? promise me you will invite me for your wedding too. ok?"

the kind of things i say to my boyfriend. i can only say, since young i already make it a point to keep my boyfriends as friends if things dont work out. and i dont mean just friends... but close friends. but i guess as well... not that i still like him. but there is always this intrigue feelings of wanting to find out since things never work out between us, what kind of girl will actually score perfect 10. very much like the line in this lyric:

好想知道你的100分 會給怎樣的人
Hao xiang zhi dao ni de yi bai fen / Hui gei zen yang de ren
(I really wanna know what kind of girls can get your perfect marks)
though the song is not really referring to ex but everytime i hear that line of the song i just cant help but think. seriously... what kind of girl will really make him happy. definitely i cannot help but start comparing which bit i fall short. not pretty enough? not gentle enough? not submissive enough? not smart enough? and most of the time... i will just be speechless because i lose hands down since most of the time she will just be every bit better. so it is a bitter sweet experience, aside of the *ouch* feelings im actually really happy for him as well that he finally find that someone that he had always been looking for -- that someone i tried so hard to be but just am not. so this is just to share with you how excited i am about attending my exs' weddings.

this month i will be attending my first ex bf's wedding. it just has to come in the most challenging manner. i have 3 invites to which all 3 fall on the same weekend. saturday evening in subang, sunday morning chip san leong in malacca follow by sunday night the dinner and my ex's wedding dinner in nilai on the same night. so the saturday night is slightly easier to decide though not easy to perform - to do a night drive to malacca after the dinner. but the sunday is extremely challenging. i already agreed to go to my college friend's wedding. i was excited to party through the night with my friends till my ex call. the thing is... he is the last to call. but the thing is i really want to be there. and i think the main thing is he expects me to be there too. because when i break the news i have another wedding, he kept complaining... till i say i can try going for both. he unashamedly answer "that's more like it". and we are not talking about subang and kl. im actually talking about malacca - nilai.

i dont know how im going to do it but i'll try. im not sure if i will really do it but actually considering about it is crazy enough.

i guess knowing i will never qualify to be the best gf, i went for another league and try to win the best ex gf award. things i do for my exs.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

losing my religions

i have changed. i know i have. for better or worse? ppl have yet to tell me.

i stopped making plans.
FINN: "Liz... Liz was my wife. When she died... you do this thing where you stop making plans. Because you had plans but then there was a car crash and your plans disappeared so you just... I just try to get from sunup to sundown. That’s as far into the future as I can handle." grey's

im confused.
GEORGE: [to Chief Richard. which is totally irrelevant... not even answering his questions. sign of a confused kid] "Aren't you gonna say anything or ... I'm not gonna break... I'm starting to get a little freaked out, but I'm not gonna break. It's not because I don't care, because I do care what you think about me, I do. Care. I just can't tell you want you wanna hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to. You can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, its complicated. But that's life. And life... sucks." grey's

im fuzzy.
CRISTINA: "How do you keep your edge, sir? Because I've watched you and you've been doing this a long time and you're clean, you're focused, you are the job. Nothing gets to you. And the thing is sir, I was like that, until I got here. Until I actually started doing this job and now everything is... is fuzzy and-"
RICHARD: "That’s beside the point."
CRISTINA: "No, you see sir, this is the point. Because I can't tell you. I can't tell you what happened in that room (i cant betray my friend). And before, I could have. No guilt, no loyalties, no problem. Before, before I wouldn't have even been in that room. I wouldn't have gotten involved. I would have never frozen in surgery. I would have told him what I thought he should do. I had an edge sir. I had an edge and I've lost it, and I need it. I need it back. So, if you could just tell me, how you keep yours and how not to be affected, I know I could be a great surgeon. So if you could just give me the answers, I would really appreciate it."
RICHARD: "You're excused, Dr. Yang."
RICHARD: "You're excused. Go."
CRISTINA: "I'll tell you, I'll tell you who cut the LVAT wires if you'll please-"
RICHARD: "No you won't, I don't wanna know. Not from you. Yeah, I have the answers, but I can't tell them to you. I'm not going to be responsible for you becoming less human."

i really cried buckets... i did. especially when christina asked the chief the above questions. she the girl with the answer. the strong girl broke down and cried in front of her chief asking him to remind her how to be the girl she used to be. i last remembered i was scorned for being so sure of things. how can i be so sure of who i like? what i want to do? and what the future brings? i think since that day, i lost it. call it instinct, call it a power within. but the day you doubt, you question that power... it is gone. and you try to find it high and low.... you dont really know where to find it anymore. then you realised to be in this stage of you-dont-know-it-all like everybody else ppl will like you a bit more... no. ppl then begin to ask me where was the me that used to be so sure of things. that confidence i had then could shield me and give you a perfect answer. but now i cant. i dont even know if i want to be who i used to be but at least then i dont need to ask this question and i dont even ask ppl questions and maybe that will create less conflicts. i live in my own world, no one mess them up and maybe then i could at least create a tiny little kingdom of my own and live happily ever after.

but now i had rub shoulders with too many ppl... i cant even remember who contributed to the mess. but im messed up. im confused. im fuzzy. im nobody. but at least i think.... im a girl (which gosh i kinda of hate. i cry, im flickered minded and i jumped into things). that doesnt make me any less right??? im just like any other girl.

but whoever contributed to who i have become, you dont get to judge who i am now. im trying to repair the damage done. im trying trust me. just that im not very sure where to start and where to begin. it's fuzzy remember. i told you watching grey's is fun because sometimes you dont even remember you had changed or for the matter the cause of it. at least now i get the rough idea.
MEREDITH: "You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done! All the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares? I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." grey's

*desperately looking for grey's season 3. before this... watching dvd is a total waste of my time. yes i've changed.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

day 1

when the clock strike 12 last night i was glad i had ppl to countdown with me. though it was a last minute thing and he was a bit disappointed when he found out i called and joined him only because my next session were delayed (the two 'chris'-es were still at their respective parties... partly my fault hahaha). yah still it was nice to have someone there. no doubt i was trying to sent myself a message that i have 3 places to go "im not alone, im not".

slept at 4plus and was woken up at 8.30 for breakfast. wasn't how i imagine i would start my new year. still doing breakfast is a good start i believe then just going right for brunch all the time.

so 2008 has come but i still have some things i wished i had cleared up the day before. so i wasn't feeling good the whole day.
1. my last year client. he smsed me to have lunch outside office tomorrow which i sense that he is giving me some really really bad scary news. though justin was saying maybe he is just up to no good. i dont know which is worst. because of this i think i exploded on my designer cause i didn't really want to think about it, today is a public holiday.
2. unsaid words. clear some air... which i believe we had been making really good progress. but i went to bed last night wishing i had cleared all of it. how do you tell someone you really care and love them without letting him think you are into him? many ppl i know believe in this theory, if you dont care you dont need to explain. just let him think whatever he thinks. but i cant, i cant have someone scream at me and walk away just like that. gosh if i can climb back out from my coffin and say my last word... i will do so. the scary part about me... i might climb out of the coffin a few times because i really have a lot of last words. i cannot be misunderstood for my intentions. i think i have an obsession of getting words out of my chest which i really need wisdom to accompany that. we used to be really good friends. i think we got very suspicious of each other intention and we get very reactive to each other words. im going for good fix not quick fix.
"As doctors, patients are always telling us how they'd do our jobs. Just stitch me up, slap a band-aid on it and send me home. It’s easy to suggest a quick solution, when you don’t know much about the problem or you don’t understand the underlying cause or just how deep the wound is. The first step toward a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. But that’s not what people want to hear... We're supposed to forget the past that led us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix." grey's

"So what makes anger different from the six other deadly sins? It's pretty simple really. You give in to a sin like envy or pride, and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and you'll only hurt yourself and one or two others. But anger is the worst... the mother of all sins... Not only can anger drive you over the edge, when it does, you can take an awful lot of people with you." grey's

this is really going to be an exciting year. since i already feel so tense day1. still im trying not to work. watching grey's. or maybe im releasing tension.

2 new year's resolutions:
1. save money -- i started off by jotting down how much i spent today
2. start counting sheeps (dont snap... mix fm says... start counting sheeps) –– which i added to my resolution list today, after a series of shouting at my designer and my dad the whole day. really a good way to kick off. but who cares ppl say resolution is not how long you can sustain it through the year but if you are keeping to it on 31st dec. so i still have a lot of chances to try.