Wednesday, October 31, 2007

most memorable moments of 2007

someone asked: "tell me 5 of the most memorable things that happen to you this year? im sure it is easy for you, you are always good at this."

then i realised i cant come out with one. till of course he put words in my mouth "japan trip?", "ok yah". of course i randomly gave him 5 following that but i think i wasn't quite convinced. therefore i decided to type this to rephrase my answer. the most memorable thing about this year is... there are NO most memorable. how about that?

it is not that i don't enjoy my year, in fact i do very much. but you know as most years things are quite mundane, so it is easy to point out those memorable moments. or maybe i was quite focus, so it was pretty easy to count out my achievements quite clearly. but as for this year, i have no focus but everyday turned out to be quite something. every week im meeting different client. every meals i walk into a new person life. also because most years i was happy throughout, time passes by so quickly and it was easy to flash back. january was still as fresh as yesterday when i do my year end reflection. but 2007 feels like forever. february shanghai trip feels like 3 years ago. i went thru quite an emotional roller coaster but this is the break down of my status now.

im conscious of God and involve him in my life everyday. the sad thing is probably it is because i have no one to talk to at the end of the day (you know how much i love to talk). im back in my cell, it grew so much that all the faces there are different which is exactly what i wanted because i dont really like to hang around with ppl that knows too much yet not enough of my background because i feel judged already when i see them. am very glad i like them almost immediately, not to mention our chase for food. yes we just went to klang for bak kut teh on sunday. you know i love them when i wake up at 7am just to do that.
work had never been greater. i never know i can do so much, nothing explain how this is possible except for my prayer. the best bit of it, i actually enjoyed most of it.
i think i had done more than i can ask for and i think it is quite a balance of work and play. so im pretty happy about it.
ups and downs. the downs was so bad that i remember i desperately prayed "God i dont want relationships (bgr) anymore, just give me back all my friends". as it come closer to the end of the year, it seems like all the down has miraclously find a way to solve themselves. so all seems to be looking up.
i didnt try very hard to fulfill my part of the prayer to deserve the above from happening. im not in love. and for me actually the feeling of not being in love at all is good. so that is quite something.

in a way, japan wasnt memorable. me making it to japan was. me meeting some friends was. me getting some jobs was. so this year is that. it is not about what and where i go. but the process of it. only God knows how long i had been dreaming to go Japan. so behind everything that took place this year is a story on itself.

i was just thinking, maybe time stopped.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

memory leaves you no choice

it is one ex's birthday follow by another that is when i realised i can actually remember all my exs' birthdays. ok. i only do not remember the missing-in-action guy's birthday maybe because that was only a 3 months affair. but if im not mistaken he is a september baby which means i kind of like september to november guys quite a bit :)

so what is the big deal i remember their birthdays. those who know me will know that it is really a big big deal because i do not remember anyone birthday except for my family, four girls, a guy (of whom i have a long crush) and all my exs (except mia guy). that will be a total of 15 people birthdays.

one of the many reasons of course is time has cause me to remember them because i had celebrated so many birthdays with them. but i think for my exs it is because i had put much effort in it. meaning like i will be counting down the whole month doing cards, making reservations and so on... that i kind of have those dates ingrain in me. and not that i did anything the last few years expecially my ex 13 years ago, that is why i find it kind of weird i still remember. it is not a regret i remember, not at all. just curious.

you can make your mind remember what you want to remember but later you can never tell your mind what to be removed. memory chooses what they want to remember.

Monday, October 29, 2007

to know and not to know

Laws are there to keep men and women not only from hurting the one they hate but from hurting the one they love.
ps lee choo quoted today in her message.

i love to torture myself emotionally. now that im not in a relationship, i want to cry for the pain of others. im almost sure now that movies do not increase my fantasy of a perfect charming prince. it only brings the bar lower because with the mess in series nowadays, you can be sure im almost numb to all these things like betrayal, lies and disappointment. and i mean not in movies too.

In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways. Those who love surprises and those who don't. I... Don't. I've never met a surgeon who enjoys a surprise because as surgeons we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know because when we aren't people die and lawsuits happen. Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling. Okay so my point actually, and I do have one, has nothing to do with surprises or death or lawsuits or even surgeons. My point is this... Whoever said what you don't know can't hurt you was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the WORST feeling in the world... As surgeons we have to be in the know, but as human beings sometimes it's better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark there may be fear, but there is also hope.
meredith grey, grey's

if someone doesn't like you, would you rather know or not? to know, be hurt, rejected and get over it. or to live in denial with a glimpse of hope. i mean what if the person has been the reason you wake up each morning, the reason you fight for your career, the reason why you be that better person you became. i know everyone will think it is pure stupidity to live in this denial. but what if it is pure selfishness not only to not let the person go but also not to let go of everything else that this person cause you to achieve as well. provided of course you never know the truth.

if i am married to him, i never want to know a day that he doesn't love me. just keep it to himself those days he doesn't. i will not want to check if there is another woman, just dont let me bump into them on the street. but if im not married, i guess still not to know is better than knowing because the pain-of-not-knowing i believe is not as painful as the pain-of-rejection. even though some part of me always wish to know the unknown but i finally concluded definitely it is better not to know.

on a second thought the truth hurts but it is better to know as well. nevermind, i dont really know what i want. don't try to figure me out. so you pick your choice, i shall learn to handle both wisely :)

why did i write that? i dunno. maybe i was just trying to make a point that we never really like what happened, we always think that we could have handle the other options better. come on girl, handle everything thrown at you.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

i can't wait

now there are no more reason to drive. beside the point of course im a last minute person. i just might go down south so much more often. everybody smile :)

keeping the body and not the heart

i don't want one that dont want me. but if there is a slightest chance he still does. im not leaving. anderson to her husband's new gf, grey's

statement of every girl. especially after a guy have another woman. it is not about forgiveness we are dealing with. because if she loves him, despite what their stand are before that she is able to forgive. but most girls struggle with this: does he really want me? and no girl can stand that. keeping a man whose heart belong to another woman.

the common saying goes "feelings can be developed". but if there is nothing there, how can it grow?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

the selfishness in us

what if you are in love with the same person your best friend is in love with? what if you never have the courage to speak up and they ended up together? what if you actually realised you couldnt bear seeing them every day as much as you thought you can handle it? what if you later realised you have a hand in causing their break up? what if you actually realised you still like that person?

do you think that love is really selfish? it is subtle yet sometimes you can recognise that ugliness from within even though you can deceive the whole world. then you try to reason to yourself that the feeling is no longer there because you had learned all your life that love is not selfish.

the saddest thing to this is you had not only wrong your best friend but the one you claim you love. so is love about seeing the one you love happy or to possess the one you love? it is easier said then done even though all of us want to be that sacrifical great lover.

Peyton: ok, I am not arguing with you!
Peyton's subconscience: Oh, come on, Peyton that's what we do, OK? We have these inner conversations daily! Am I gonna look stupid? Am I pretty enough? Did Jake just want to get in my pants? Should Lucas be with me, instead of Brooke?
Peyton: No, OK you're wrong. Lucas and I are just friends and Jake loved me.
Peyton's subconscience: Whatever you say, cheerleader... whine, whine, mope, mope, always the victim! My mom died, Jake left, Ellie lied! Boo hoo.
Peyton: You really are a bitch, you know that?


looping again:

Hoobastank Lyrics

getting a hang of busy schedule. currently doing 5 magazines, planning my next holiday and at the same time checking out cupcakes and lollipops for my client wedding favours. still i found time for sleep, quiet time, cell, friends, movies and dvds. life.

Monday, October 22, 2007


emotional pain or distress; sorrow; grief; anguish

all my life i never could give an answer to this question "What is the greatest regret in your life?" i had done many things im not proud of but i stood up after each of it because i know i can find some good out of that. very often i will gleefully answer "I dont have any regrets".

it is my regret though today to announce that i have found the greatest regret in my life (and no it is not my last failed relationship). every time i think of what happen that night, i just couldnt believe how i allowed that to happen. and it seems to me nothing i do can stop it from progressing. i had tried warning it from happening, i had tried pleading it not to continue and i had tried reasoning why i dont want it to happen. but the same thing just happen again and again. i sit here with tears in my eyes, i know i have no one to blame but myself because i allow it to happen. i really wish there is a way to undo that night because with that i can erase a whole load of things that came with it after that. ask me again why i never tried sex? besides the fear of God, i was just never ready with facing long term consequences like this.

forgiveness is easy when things change but what if they never. how much grace do you think it demands from heaven to love in spite of that. sometimes i really want to just run away from this situation. i honestly do not know what help it does to stay around but as hard as it may be, im allowing God's grace to do His work and i just want to practice the very thing i preach -- i want to face the issue.

GOD, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

alright i shall go watch grey's so that i can be distracted by other ppl trouble and not mine.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

the girl in the frame

this is for those who have not seen me for a while. i do like to see myself smile. somehow she reminds me of the happier me.

i was contemplating if i should show you guys this because i've got recent comment that i have a lot of slutty photos. being a person that very much get bothered by how ppl think of me, i was a bit affected. then i think about it... come on my photos are so mild compare to those beach girls photos a and d took. also, i dont really have what it takes to do slutty photos. btw that is called art :)

also... it is a truth, i'm quite vain. i like to show off my nice photos. sometimes i do feel that i look better on photos. i guess it is because in photos you choose what you can keep but in life you cant really do that. In case you are wondering why girls go for makeover and big shopping after breakups. they need that to rebuilt their self esteem. Here is a written proof.

"I was also touched when Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour called to propose an article and photo shoot for the December issue of the magazine. It was gutsy of her to offer and counterintuitive for me to accept. In fact, the experience did wonders to my spirits. I wore a glorious burgundy velvet Oscar de la Renta creation for the cover shoot. For a day, I escaped into a world of makeups artists and haute couture. The Annie Leibovitz photographs were greatm giving me the chance to look good when I had been feeling so low."
Hillary Rodham Clinton words in her biography Living History after the scandal between Bill and Monica Lewinsky

Thursday, October 18, 2007

tried and tasted

i found myself saying this that day:
"i no longer believe in confronting ppl or being transparent to other ppl with my feelings (eventhough my intentions are good, eventhough it is better to get it off my chest), because from experience it had never turn up well"

i didn't know i had change my stand until i say it out. i guess it is a sad fact that i cannot live as liberal as i should. i once thought that if we bring everything to light then we will all be happier creature, not second guessing each other intentions. contrary to that, i found out if i keep those words in my heart and bring it to the grave with me. we will both have longer friendship lifespan. not everyone likes the truth and not everybody know how to face the truth. ppl come and ppl go but i do not need to jeopardise it before time. now that i have learn to speak out, actually to suppress the feelings are quite a selfless act. not many will agree with this, i don't too. but this is just the way to do life. maybe... "the truth set us free" but you see what we think of another is not necessary truth. even what we think of ourselves are not necessary true. so just keep that to yourself and keep everybody happy.

i just upgraded my macbook memory to 2GB. am really please with it.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

im a freaking right brainer

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." Meredith Grey, grey's anatomy

are you sure most ppl see her dancing anti clockwise.

uses feeling
"big picture" oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
risk taking

i hate myself for always reacting the way i am... but i love myself for that too because who i am if i do not react the way i do. just like how a guy loves me for it then later he knows how much they can't stand me for all the above. it is a love and hate feeling :)

rise above our reasoning and facing them later

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."
Meredith Grey, grey's anatomy

girls love details and guys don't really like to provide them. the favourite phrase to counter our doubt is "just trust me". you'll never understand how much it takes out of us to rise above our reasoning and how terrible it feels when it falls apart.

for a moment i was excited she had the courage to pursue love but like a love sensation, it doesn't last that long. do they? sigh... i didn't even have a chance to express how sweet he is yet. ok... give me his story, i will tell you if i still like him. now don't you ever tell me again that girls are not reasonable and they refuse give you a chance to speak.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

a new day

what makes some ppl think that:
1. i will do better this year with a new start
2. i will do better in my next relationship, i will make sure i will never choose this kind of girl anymore
3. i need a new job then life will be so much better
4. if i have a new car, i wont have the same problem anymore
5. i just need a new look and a fresh start

something about the old and the baggages that weight you down. and we human being many times are just too lazy to clear up our mess so we take the easy way out and quit. we wish that we wake up to a new start with a new look, new wife, new car and new job in a new year. but i have come to a point that the cycle will just repeat itself.

start your day new everyday. do the changes you need and get thing sorted out. you already know it, so dont let it prove you a point that it wasn't the fault of the car, the job or the guy. it has always been you. so start being a less demanding girl, love your job and car. who cares you have a new look everyday.

dont wait for the new year to do so. it's a new day.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

the long awaited break

all my job is done, so im going to have a good 3 days off to indulge in sleep, gym and grey's. happiness.

if anyone would had told me this earlier. i find myself sitting down there laughing alone –– "penis custody", "angel of death". and how many ppl in the world wake up from a one night stand to a charming doctor. gosh grey's is so warmth and nice. can't wait to see them fall in love. perfect for the next 3 days.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

to change a million or touch one that change a million

some ppl stop everything they do to seek their purpose and calling in life hoping to find a reason to live. i do what i do everyday with a God fearing heart and good conscience. i know one day i will walk into my calling.

would you like to change and influence a million life or would you like to touch one person that thereafter change and influence a million life. i would like to be the latter. here is the story of a man that took a boy home. and the boy had grown up to provide homes for many. though many might not know the name of the man. but that is part of the beauty of it, that you are an angel in someone life. therefore i'm not looking for a million to touch.

to think about it, it is quite tiring to go around the whole world meeting needs like mother theresa or fight and fight for the rights and freedom like martin luther king.

i just want to share life with every person that comes into my life. that might just be the very reason im called to live -- to mamak with you so that you know you have friends and not feel lonely, to watch movie with you so that you know just that your expectations are high and not that you can't find a gf, to complain about my life so that you know your life is not exactly that sucky after all and we all go through the same shit hehehe...

"Did you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many people have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's lives we've been in. Were we part of someone's life when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it." lucas scott, oth

Saturday, October 06, 2007

weddings and babies and work and life

over the last two weeks. i had been attending weddings and visiting babies. the favourite question when ppl see me carrying my friend baby is "so when will be your turn (to have babies)?" i told them "a long way more". i don't even have a dot, let's not talk about a stroke.

baby asher, the furthest i go for a baby (all the way to singapore).

i have two cliques of gfs from my two different secondary school. when we were younger we did make a prediction who will married first. let me show you how close prediction and reality take place.

CLIQUE 1 - seafield
1. fei meng
2. sien lee
3. shin yee
4. anna
5. chaiyen

1. sien lee - married the man she dated for a month. currently a mother of one boy, brandon
2. fei meng - in sec3 she dated back her first love and got married last year. now a mother of a girl, chloe
3. shin yee - attach and otw
4. anna - complicated
5. chaiyen - single

CLIQUE 2 - smsu
1. salina
2. mei yee
3. celia
4. chaiyen
5. chiau theng
6. kelly

1. salina - married for ages and a mother of 2
2. kelly - married 2 years ago
3. celia - married yesterday with her bf of 10 years
4. meiyee - attach and otw
5. chaiyen - single
6. chiau theng - single

most ppl think that im a career woman type thus place me in the last few positions. i can only tell you it was not intended and i definitely didn't try very hard to fall so close to the prediction. am i pressured? actually still not yet. not sure if i will still say that after the next two weddings. currently very busy with work. and small things like this would please me like if i can catch these movies soon
1. amazing grace
2. the 11th hour
3. grey anatomy

am very blessed already to work back with a few old friends. can't tell you fully how good it feels to have friendship taken away from you restored. after church service today, we sang this new version of the old hymn and i had been looping this song the whole night. these simple words by chris tomlin resonate with what's in my heart, the strong peace that i feel tonight just fits nicely to the stage of my life now.

"Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home.

"So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination."
Whitey's time capsule message, OTH

enjoying the journey and i know some of you out there are having some hard time, holding you in my prayers and i pray you will come to peace with where you are now too. guard your heart, love you.

tokyo myth no5: if you don't understand japanese it is difficult to travel in japan

erm... of course it will be so much easier if we do speak japanese. but steph bought a japanese book to help us communicate with these jap but we were so pro we didn't even have a chance to use that book. basically they can't speak english very well but if you give them the words, they understand. for eg: "right?", "buy ticket here?". the train lines were very clear. with a bit of mandarin we did even better :). i was so impress with myself because after a while i couldnt even bother changing the language to english while buying tickets. i just left it in jap. so no worries about going japan for free and easy trip. you will figure it out, besides the ppl are really helpful so what is the fuss.

so cute
cuteness, should we bite the head off?

asakusa temple


nice angle

what is that?
while i was trying to stand away from the smoke. whatever they are doing, it must be to get some luck. so weird.

tokyo disneyland
finally we are here at tokyo disneyland


just the two of us
it doesnt matter you go there alone. ppl are very willing to take photos for you everywhere. they even have staff station at the entrance to take group photos for you. and i mean he shoots good photos.

tokyo disneysea entrance
and so we are in with the woww... wahhh... woooooo....

tokyo disneysea venice look alike
sorry we are really impressed

tokyo disneysea venice
photo by steph

tokyo disneysea broadway2
my conclusion the japanese were too lazy to leave their country. so they bring in venice, broadway, eiffel tower and the whole world and built it in their country.

tokyo disneysea broadway

photo by steph
this is like our chinese dumpling. the food here are really nice and thanks to steph because i wouldnt have the courage to buy them myself

ok a little cute to follow the mood
yes we already told you, this ppl offer to take photos for us. so we just strike a pose.

only cartoon character
unlike disneyland where you can see all the cartoon characters everywhere. we don't see many here and we were quite disappointed. we definitely going to grab a photo though we don't even know what's his name. who cares.


if only i could climb up there
photo by steph

sausage cart street

arabian coast
the arabian coast

the mermaid lagoon
the mermaid lagoon

photo by steph
conclusion: disneysea is a very romantic place. don't go there with another girl.

photo by steph

drama of the day
house of terror
photo by steph
this is the house of terror. i vividly remember the disneyland in US has this house of terror which is really fun and cute. where you see friendly ghost like casper. so i told her i want to go in there. and so we did. she didn't want to take any scarry rides but we saw kids about our waist height in the que so i guessed it shouldnt be that scary. it took us quite a while to finally be sitted in a lift look alike thing. it goes up and the door open in a floor with some weird looking thing but that didn't do any harm at all. then it goes up again a little faster but it was too scary as well. and it goes up and open up at the top view of the disneysea. "wohh so nice". steph said "oh no, i think it is going to... (drop)" and it happens. so sudden, i have nothing to grab. i just remember my foot around hers.... my hand grabbing her and i forgotten where my heart went. after that we both could hardly walk straight, a little dizzy and we finally admit we were too old for this.

statement of the day
we walk here more than we walk in bangkok. look both my ankle are swollen. i think i had overdone it this time.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

a very uneventful special birthday

what is your birthday wish, what do you want for your birthday?
i want to sleep.

and so i did. i slept at 9pm the night before till 8am this morning. that is how i rewarded myself. too many that might mean nothing but to me that was luxury.

i received enormously loads of sms-es. midnight till morning. but i was so dead tired i didn't hear most of it. so i open my eyes with these blessings. as i told many, im not good with this 'remembering birthday' thing... therefore i always feel super special when ppl do remember mine :)

i felt extremely thankful to God today. somehow there is a deep sense of gratitude that he had make this day. though my schedule is as full today. somehow i just have this calmness and peace to start my day with my favourite psalm139. must be the blessings and prayers of the many saints.

i was really greatful all the girls make time to meet me for lunch. you just don't understand how low our success rate are with meeting up ever since those two become mothers. and then i sadly go to the office. but i didn't stay long become my mum told me she cooked me a great dinner. i smile at the thought of how my friends and family will do all this for me when im unattached :)

and so that's about it. i have no date, no cake and actually i didn't receive any present today. but... i actually feel happy today. do i? maybe. i mean i just don't feel too bad. somehow i think i just don't have much expectations when im not attach. poor guy... hahaha (no wonder they always say i deceive them).

do you think you will be happier to receive what you wish for or to receive what you do not expect?