Sunday, March 30, 2008

we need hope to exist

MEREDITH: "No matter what, you walking down that aisle today. I need you to go down that aisle. You marrying Burke, it's a sign. Sign that people like you and me ... can do this. Be healthy, be happy. You marrying Burke restores my faith in... me."
CRISTINA: "Ohhhh I get it. My wedding is about you."

yes, i love watching movies. seriously i love happy ending and it doesnt matter it is the same old predictable ending, i still dont care a bit. yah, i think im a very hopeful person. i remember i went through the painful breakup watching stacks and stacks of love dramas. as many as my hand can lay hold on, if one happy ending is not enough for the night i go for two. it helps. it helps take my mind away from the painful now and take a fresher look at my situation because there is a happy ending. i need to be reminded im not at the end yet and i need to know something good is going to happen. so i watch movies. i watch movies to shorten my life to 2 hours and lay hold of that person happy ending.

then this whole thing about series come out which is totally fine. it prolongs the waiting for happy ending but it will come, it will. but this thing about season is driving me crazy. it is long and the end doesnt seems to be the end. then another season comes and spoil my happy ending. this series thing is a total reflection of our current life and troubles that never end and gosh i think we dont need that. and after a whole season of grey's, im rabbling like meredith. what im really saying is we need happy ending, we need happy ending because it gives us hope. and we need movies... more movies then dramas because we need this hope to exist.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

things we do

there are a few things that ppl do after they break up and they dont even know why they do it. now that im more sane let me try to tell you why they do it.

1. they write letters or long email
how? normally it is about how they still feel for the other person, all the best, last words kinda thing. this happen because there are just so many things that run through their mind and they need an outlet to do so.
why? they still have a lot of unfinished words and they actually think that the unsaid words will touch the person, turn things around but most of all they want the other person to know they will be waiting in case they change their mind.
results of it? nothing, they very often do not get a reply... in fact i had not heard of once they ever get a reply but still when ask, i told them to sent it rather than buried those feelings. the other party will read however they like it and sometimes wrongly misread their intentions. it is not the best form of communication but it might be the last resource sometimes if the other party is not willing to sit down and talk to them anymore.

2. they wish the other person luck
how? whether in career or new relationship.
why? because they want to show that they are supporting you no matter what happens but genuinely they might not totally agree or like those choices of yours but they are just trying to prove a point that they want you to be happy.
results of it? it sounds like a farewell to the other party but that is probably not what they want. in fact what they wanted is that the other party will come to them when things get trying.

3. they listen to sad love songs/movies
how? the play sad love songs and watch piles of sad love movies.
why? because they need to find the words to their pain. they need to let themselves cry.
results of it? most of time ppl will think that this is pathetic and adding salt to wound but it can be a really way to find words to describe the pain you are going through since at times you cant even describe how you feel.

Friday, March 28, 2008

whose life is more miserable?

1. i have one friend he is in love with a girl that is not responding to him
- to never allow pain to take more of your life then it deserve
2. i have one friend he is in love with a girl who only wants to be friends with him
- to see but not touch, so near yet so far but it is probably something that will last more than what will take place
3. i have one friend he is in love with a girl that no longer in love with him
- to once have her love, her touch but probably it is better to see her happy than arguing with her everyday
4. i have one friend he is in love with a girl who has a boyfriend
- to understand that probably someone else can give her the love that you can never give. you can even be even that better man but love is just love, you just have no way to fight for that position
5. i have one friend he is in love with a girl who is engaged to someone else
- to know you had a time of your life to change things but now she remains as a reminder to you 'seize the moment' or should i say use whatever time left for you wisely

seriously whose life do you think is more miserable? to have or not to have at all. to be blind your whole life or to see and lose your sight again. which is more painful. i still cannot decide. i can only feel the pain of many hearts around me and i sympathise the mask they need to wear to face the day. i can only be this person that can be there for them so that they can take off that mask for a few hours.

"A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear" meredith, grey's

Thursday, March 27, 2008

it's toxic

i did my substitute job today.

he is super down, the girl isnt responding i suppose. i didnt ask much, "it's complicated" was enough nowadays to keep me quiet.

so we are not going to talk about it and i fully understand that because sometimes talking about it makes you double more miserable than you already are. so the best place is the cinema. i company him for a movie (helping him kill time) which is like he companying me for a movie (cause i wanted to watch 27 dresses). so it is a win win situation.

after the whole movie. im down. is it the movie about her always a bridesmaid but never the bride. or is it the younger sister getting married first. or is it liking a guy for the longest time and seeing him get married. or was it me sharing my friend burden. maybe it is all that.

it is fine. i like being emo. grey's tonight

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." meredith, grey's

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

fix my life

my sleeping hours are messed up.

my eating hours are messed up.

my life is messed up.

diagnosis: i have gastric.

i am not even hungry when i am suppose to. it is really kinda weird. and of course im hungry at the weirdest hour of the day. now i need to fix this. i need to fix my life. what a great sign.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

a new will - a new covenant

I, Jesus Christ, declare this my last Will. I revoke any Wills and Codicils made previously.

All references to my children include my children now living, and any other born to or adopted by me in the future.

All my children shall receive the promised eternal inheritance. i will pay for all their debts incur before or after my death.

In the case of a will, it is necessary to prove the death of the one who made it, because a will is in force only when somebody died; it never takes effect while the one who made it is living. hebrews 9.16-17

his death is significant. we are children of the new covenant.


im not a fan of the doctors. even though i love grey's, i dont like to go to the doctors. besides our doctors are not half as hot.

i had been having an unusual stomach ache. it is not a period cramp. still i had been going out because i assumed it will go. but it had been days now and it seems like it is not going. i had been sleeping like nobody business –– with that i mean i woke up this morning at 1pm took lunch went back to sleep and woke up for dinner -- hoping that i will wake up without that discomfort but it still doesnt seems to be happening. so fine, im going to the doctor tomorrow morning.

i was just sitting here thinking why do i not like seeing the doctors. one, no doubt is because it always cause me a bomb without results. two, as much as i want a diagnosis; i dont really want to know something is wrong with me. not that i have any sickness yet now. i rather bear with the pain then to go see a doctor, i believe that says a lot. then after a while the unusual pain will cause me panic which force me to go see a doctor rather then dying of curiosity and agony. still every time i hang on to this hope before seeing a doctor, i pray like mad "God help me recover so that i wont need to see a doctor". yah, i fear all these things. i fear not being healthy, i fear surgical, i fear losing my life.

why am i talking about this, it is not funny, im not even reported sick yet but you see im seeing the doctor tomorrow. im freaking out.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

the song in my head

currently looping

Monday, March 17, 2008

uneasy feeling that desire peace

i used to not care about what ppl think of me very much. and i think that's the motto of most successful ppl. because when you care to much there are just to many hindrances and you get carried away. recent years especially it gets from bad to worst, i get very uneasy if i know there just a little tiny bit of tension between me and anyone. i wouldnt sleep well, i might get a bit depress, i become very restless and after suppressing myself the whole day with work i will end my day wishing like my work i can press the 'undo' button to how i last like it. i couldnt really understand why im so affected and i dont really like myself giving in when i should be giving a cold shoulder. today when i read the message version of this scripture it all suddenly make sense.

The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given is the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. 1 corinthians 5:16-20

the uneasy feeling is good, it causes me to want a a real peace. God is in the business of making things right. amen.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

who is holding the trump card?

in every relationship whether we believe it or not someone is holding the trump card. whether it is friendship or a boy girl relationship. the person holding the trump card has the power to win whether he or she is right or wrong. as much as we like the fact that the person at wrong to apologise. after a while i have come to a point in the reality of the world today is it doesnt really matter anymore who is right and wrong. both party most of the time think that they are right. so what keeps the relationship would be the one that treasure that friendship or relationship more than the other.

the ideal plan though is never to allow your other friend to know he or she is holding that trump card or to prolong that person from knowing it. but still sometimes that is just to deny the fact that we are not holding it. how to play when you have bad cards, play carefully.

tuesday was very eventful and it was all last minute plan. at 9pm i went with anna to gerard and rowlings for a drink, i honestly think they are very generous with their liquor plus my threshold is not that great or unless the fact is true that you get drunk faster if you are down.

then i went to william's mamak at about 10.30pm to meet up with weng onn before he leaves the next day for newyork.

passed by justin's place about 11.30pm to pass him his namecards. used the loo and got hooked watching nanking.

after feeling more sober, at 1.30am finally arrived at asia cafe to meet alan and the boys. told you i have soft spot for birthdays. i was very late but i came right heheh... happpppy birthday.

it was a waste by the time i reached home not only the liquor has no effect i was feeling very much the opposite, i was too awake. after my great effort of the whole night i would at least think that i can rest early. my plan doesnt work *sigh*

Sunday, March 09, 2008

hear the wind of change


to have my ex head prefect to be my state assembly woman reminds me what we once believe we could do but never come close to achieving. change our community.

to be part of a history making generation was quite unbelievable even though i believe i once fervently prayed for that though never fully understand that.

and to think of what is taking place in the united states. i always like the idea of a black president, whether it is '24' or 'man of honour', they always portray themselves to be strong, fighting great integrity man or a woman whom a biography i bother to read. mine is just a shallow first impression opinion. whoever it is i believe both are making history and will definitely cause a great effect in our world.

all these makes me quiver. seriously what do you think God is doing? i dunno but it certainly makes me more tearful and prayerful. for moment i lose it because i never believe i will live to see this day.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

la trip: day8 and 9 las vegas

a place where you shop at new york

and dine in paris

totally no denial that this is indeed a 'sin city'.
GLUTTONY - and how can you not be a glutton when there seems to be no end to their desserts. wahh the thought of it now makes me hungry.

GREED - you cannot be not gambling if you are staying on top of a casino right. my budget is too low plus im a bit panicy to play on a table too, so i just went for the slots machine. i will call that greed because i refused to sleep till 3am hahaha which is again my normal sleeping hours.

LUST - and how about uniform girls with big bobby dealing cards for you and some girls doing poll dancing at your face on top of that. sorry even i stoned there to see. or how about all those posters and cards on the streets...

PRIDE - of course im staying in one of the high end hotel where the celebrities are. no joke this is where the hongkong celebrities go during chinese new year.

SLOTH - definitely i wasnt working the whole 13 days... sorry it was difficult. there are just so much to do. and this is my first holiday totally without work because i remembered i worked over my last few trips at bangkok and tokyo.

the last 2 happens back here. many rose with WRATH and ENVY for having such a good time. muahahahhha...

day 8 - mostly night scene. a visit through all the concept hotels

day 9 - the m&m's shop and the streets of vegas

la trip: day7 walk of fame, the market and grifith observatory

morning at the walk of fame. i had been there before when i was kid but honestly nothing there looks familiar to me at all.

and because im now doing HELLO! magazine and am very much more educated with celeb news, i finally see with my own eyes the red carpet venue that had been frequently mention 'THE KODAK THEATRE'

we had some time so we moved on to visit a local market. the sun set was superb so i kind of love these set of photos. the sun had been great everyday but just that this set with the train track makes it looks extremely sublime.

seeing the local kids was kinda sweet too :) they started giggling after that and told their mum i took their photos hahah...

griffith observatory looks really far more better than what my poor little camera can capture at night. but who cares im not there to bring back a star (stardust) for love.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

are you happy today?

"Happiness comes in many forms -- in the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dream come true, or in the promise of hope renewed. It's okay to let yourself be happy because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be." lucas from oth

let us take a break from LA photos and go for some emo entry. a friend told me the other day im happy. i think she meant it, plus im in no right to judge her because only one alone can judge themselves when it comes to this question. but her statement led me to think of this word 'happy'.

busy is not happy. it can mean that im doing well in my social life or career but it doesnt mean im happy. but it is better for me to be busy then to remember im not happy. that's for sure. most of the time i barely connect with my own emotions and the best bit is im too tired to think at night. the next day come and the next day end. so it seems im doing well and that is probably just what i needed to get by the day.

so i ask myself what is 'happiness' then. is it a satisfaction of where you are, who you are with and what you have? so does happiness stay with you for a while, for days or for years?

the more i think of it the more empty i feel. i am not happy with the state im in but the worst point is i do not know what will make me happy either. so i try to figure out what used to make me happy. then i realised though it is a sad truth most of us do not know it when we are happy. we only recognised it when it is over. meaning it is in the absent of happiness that we remember we once were happy.

happiness in my words would be the moment you feel like the luckiest person alive. a moment you want to freeze. a moment you receive what you do not deserve unexpectedly. a dream you do not want to wake up from because you know that reality will kick in and you wont stay happy forever.

you might be holding to the same fortune, same job and same person the next day but you realised happiness fades away slowly. why? i think i know why. it is because as time passes we all begin to think we deserve what we have. also how will you recognise you are happy if you are always happy? so happiness is never a constant mood. we human being live most of our days not happy, just satisfied. happiness is when things come your way when you least expect it, when you do not deserve it or when the impossible happen after all your life pursuing that which you thought you will never live to see. *sob sob* that day you are truly happy. though short lived, it is worth living many unhappy days to enjoy.

honestly im not happy today and had not been for a while. i dont see the point denying that since more than half of the world population feels the same everyday.

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there… because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else-something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize… you're happy." lucas from oth