Thursday, November 30, 2006

is she funny or am i just easily amused?

cy: can you get me the vacation of this ppl? i need to put them in the profile for the prog booklet.
michelle: x is unemployed.. so dont mention anything abt a job in regards to her. all she does now is go for dbd thats all.
cy: hahahah so i put there 'all she does now is go for dbd, hahahah.'
michelle: .... (after a long list of info) y ... is asleep - she says she will tell me tomorrow.
cy: huh she talks to you in her sleep?
michelle: she smsed saying 'mich - i m asleep - tomorrow morning will call'

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

life is tough/funny

1. it is 4.31pm now and i am having my first bite of solid food today.
i had only took one hour of nap last night.
it is going to be a long night tonight before i can rest my head on my pillow.

2. michelle proctor is suppose to meet in the afternoon to help me proof read the work but she said she can't make it this morning. why?

michelle: some student from my country has committed suicide. so i reckon i will be tied up the whole day...
cy: oh so what are you going to do?
michelle: today - i hv to go with other senior studenst to buy a coffin. put the guy in it (hahahah... sorry i cannot stop laughing when i read the second line). and at 2 pm he is going to klia to fly off with the 9pm flight.
cy: ok then.. don't worry about the proofreading. i can get someone else to do it. (i just want someone to do proofreading, what just happened?)

3. for DBD t shirt
we are printing = 400
t shirt for cast and crews = 160
t shirts for ushers = 195
t shirts for marshalls = 8
total left for sales = 37

cy: we are only selling 37 t shirts?
*speechless*: of left 37... then print 50 more.
cy: so we are only selling 87? meaning:

6000 ppl coming for the show divide by 87 t shirts = every 68 ppl that pass by the counter only 1 can buy

*speechless*: ya we want them to fight for it

i should order the size of only XXL and XS because they are either so big that they managed to push through to the counter or very small that they manage to squeeze thru.

i can print more and sell it at the 'black market' at the staircase area. business opportunity :)

ok i am talking rubbish. i am very sleepy. i should get back to work now.

Monday, November 27, 2006

the world greatest thing, love

"You spend your life searching for greatness," Emily said, handing over the ring in the velvet box it came in. "You're reaching for things I can't give you and I don't want to spend my life not measuring up."
"But I love you," he said. "I really do." Her decision made no sense. By his count, their 4-year engagement hadn't even come close to the world record, 67 years, held by Octavio Guilen and Adriana Mart'nez of Mexico City.
Emily smiled, her lips a bit crooked. "You know everything about the fastest coconut tree climber and the biggest broccoli, but you don't know the first thing about love." She wiped a tear from her ocean-colored eyes. "That's the only kind of greatness that counts, and I hope you find it someday."

Excerpted from The Man Who Ate the 747 by Ben Sherwood Copyright© 2000 by Ben Sherwood.

J. J. Smith, Keeper of the Records for The Book of Records, is an ordinary man. he knows he can never break a world record so he sets to be one that judge them. J.J. has clocked the world’s longest continuous kiss. He has verified the lengthiest single unbroken apple peel. He has tasted the world’s largest menu item. But J.J. has never witnessed great love.

Love is not a feeling he claimed. "it is brain chemistry. you see a pretty girl and you get a blast of neurotransmitter called dopamine. that's why you feel excited. same with happiness. it's just electrical impulse from your left prefrontal cortex." Wally, the man that is eating the 747 plane to prove his love has no doubt that his left prefrontal cortex was spinning, but he was also sure that the impulse came straight from the heart. the man from the book of records know his science, but he didn't know beans about love.

J.J feared to admit those feelings and walked away. then he comes to understand that the world greatest thing, love cannot be measured and quatified. this time he is not going to reason scientifically anymore. but she is afraid to love him again and get hurt. "Give me another shot. let's make one perfect day," J.J. "and if it feels right, let's make another one tomorrow." that reminds me of the movie 50 first dates.

"you don't love me today," the wife told him, in the movie the prestige. fact is feelings do matter. it is not how many times you say i love you that day or how many hours you sit by her side but how much you want her that makes all the different and yes, she can feel it.

i did tears eventhough i told him* i don't normally cry reading a book. this might be just a novel, this other story** is real though. life can be quite beautiful, if you allowed yourself to be loved and to love.
*we said our first hello on msn. he is a guy that i haven't meet before though we have some common friends. when i showed him this list, he said he had done most of it. i wasn't quite sure then till the man who ate the 747 by Ben Sherwood arrived in my mailbox. i mean how often do you get mail, what more from someone you haven't even meet. that is really sweet, i don't know who thought him that :)

**taken from y's blog

Saturday, November 25, 2006

the piece that stands out in a band to me

everytime i look at a band, i cannot help but look at the drummer. i am no musician probably that is why that is the only piece of instrument that create the sound that make sense to my brain. the rest of the instrument still doesn't make sense to me, i mean all the strings and keys on the grand piano look the same to me yet they create a different rhythm.

this one for you robin,

man, i need to sent my son to drum class in future. and now i can tell why i miss having you around. it is the expression on your face when you play. but it is good not having you around, the way you play are quite a distraction during worship. i cannot help but open my eyes and peep :)

btw, i stole this from zoe's blog.

Friday, November 24, 2006

things that leave us speechless

we girls decide to try one of the nice restaurant along One Bangsar. the experience was remarkable.

cy and anna: what is that, so ugly looking?
steph: foie gras. you want to try?
anna: nope
cy: ok can i try (i mean how often do i get a chance to eat a starter that cost RM45)?
*speechless* (the moment i put it into my mouth, the texture and the aftertaste. wow... i have never tried something like this before.) anna, you need to try this.
anna: *after taking a bite, speechless*

and this twin, my nephew samuel and niece sara that had been hanging out in my house the last whole week.

just by looking at them leave me speechless

those smiles are definitely a killer

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

korean series can be quite real

our love will always last from the movie save you last dance for me

he landed in a place alien to himself. he lost his memories, he doesn't remember where he stays and he has no friends and family with him.

she took him in, opened her house to him and took care of him. the year pass, they both fell in love. her father doesn't allow them to be together but he promised even if he gains back his memories he will still love her and take care of her forever.

one morning, he disappeared from the house. the last thing she knows is he left a message 'someone claims that he knows my family, when i am done i will come back'.

he didn't come back that day. he didn't come back a year after that. so she live on everyday without a closure to that relationship. a lot of things run through her mind. "maybe his life is too happy to be gather back with his family and friends. he doesn't want to remember me anymore. but why will one do such a thing to a person that open her house to him. my life is all well and good, why does he had to appear and disappear suddenly."

one day she saw him, she ran after him and asked him why did he leave without saying anything. he is the only son of the owner of a establish firm. he pushed her away, he doesn't remember her. that upsets her a lot, maybe he is embarassed to know me because his status is now different. later she found out he had an accident that night again, he remembered everything before that except for what happen that one year.

so she stayed around, enter the firm to work because all she wants is to be near him and to be a friend to him. people around doesn't like that, they thought she is being ambitious to want to get near the boss son. so she was treated badly by colleague and he was cold to her but it is ok she could stand anything just to be near him, she said she will wait. till one day he pulled her aside,
"why are you bearing with all these around you. are you trying to get my sympathy if i will be with you it is because i sympathise you, yes you managed to get my attention so now get lost from my life."
that night it is over he insulted her "other people can say anything they want and i will take it in but how can you say this to me. i will, if you want me to go i will... i will never appear in front of you again. i was wrong to come back and find you because the person that i love is already dead. you are a different person now."

let it be then, he will never remember me. we can go on to do our own things and just pretend that we never exist in each other life before.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

this is a long but useful lesson

i had learn a lot about guys from x, a particular guy friend of mine because he had been really honest to me. i think the fact that both of us can be so open to each other is because we might never meet again and we don't like each other. i still like that a lot because he showed me the side of guys that i was always guessing but never knew. be it fair or not for him to represent all guys but i am glad i had the opportunity to know a little more about this species and to show him the heart of a woman. great exchange.

main lesson
(#1) a guy is able to like a few girls at the same time. he still loves you but he likes someone else in between, he had not forgotten about you though. deep stuff, really deep stuff.
(#2) a guy can move on without solving the issues.
(#3) a guy can't be friends with you because he can't be 'just friends' with you.
(#4) a guys can be quite girl sometimes :)
(#5) a guy will find a way to make sure you suffer for what you make them go through.

case study
i don't remember when was the last time we chat on msn but this round we are talking about a different girl in his life all together. (#1) not the same girl that he was thinking about the last time i chatted with him. we are talking about his ex 2 years ago that just broke off with her current bf.

how they broke off previously
her mum and friends thought that they are not very suitable for each other. which i remembered he said "what can you do if they are to value certain ppl in their lives. their comments pretty much carry a lot of weight."

current situation
her ex's sister called him and i guess she gave too much information.

ex's sis: can i ask you something? do you still have feelings for her?
x: ...
ex's sis: i mean i totally understand if you can't tell me... but it's just that she misses your friendship a lot. she really wants to talk to you at times even while they were together but she knew you were still not ok with it or didn't wanted to talk to her so she avoids it but it kills her that we talk to you all that time and she has to sit on the sidelines.
x: (#2) i don't know because i just moved on without addressing the past hurts. i just swept it under the carpet and left. yea of course it still hurts to think about what happened but then again, it's so much the past i don't care anymore.
ex's sis: do you think you guys will ever talk again?
x: i don't know... 'when it happens, it will happen' (favourite phrase). but i don't think i'm at the position to initiate any conversation

1 month later he sent out a mass email and she was in the list. she replied to it and now he is contemplating whether to reply or not.

problem solving
cy: so the question now, do you still like her?
x: i don't want to be just friends!!!!! not now!!!
cy: but honestly... ppl say you won't be hurt by someone unless she means a lot to you
x: i really don't know. i think the hurt and distrust is still very much real. i don't think at this point i'm ready to face her as a "friend" only
cy: wait... why you keep mentioning cannot be just friends? i mean if you don't have feelings for her already then of course there will be nothing wrong to be friends right. yet if you like her don't you want to be friends again first, don't you want to see her and know about her.
x: (#3) i know it sounds selfish but it's like. unless she wants to pursue something and sees that there's a future or even just give it a try again. i really don't want to go there. perhaps i still very much love and care about her
cy: you don't want to see her again unless it is to work out towards coming together again? because you still love her and if it means to see her again, it will dig out the old well and it will be painful to see her and not have her
x: yes exactly! and if she's just like "um...i just want to be friends now" well that's too bad because i can't be "just friends" anymore
cy: but the fact that she misses your friendship is because she misses you. i mean i am sure there are many friends she had not talk to. why don't she bother to miss their friendship. anyway if she says she wants to try it out again. ru ready for that? will you be able to accept her again
x: (#4) hmm... i don't know. it depends on how much she's willing to go for it. meaning, i need tangible actions and words to bring me back to the trust part
cy: don't tell me you are not going to lift a finger to it? you are a guy.
x: too bad a guy can only do so much. don't forget... she broke it off!!!! there comes a time when girls have to pick up the burden too
cy: so you are going to sit here, wait for her to call you. you are going to say 'no, i don't want to go out'. so she will think that you hate her
x: i will give it a chance to just talk but if it doesn't address anything more than "hi how have you been". that's it.
cy: you won't see her again. you expect her to say that the first time you guys meet again. i mean both of you had change pretty a lot. ru not scared you won't like who she is now?
x: she won't call
cy: just meet her. i mean why should two person that likes each other let ego separate both of you?
x: yen, you are probably the only one that wants me to give her a chance and maybe her sister. the rest of the other friends... keep reminding me "don't forget what she did to you and you need to guard your heart first."
cy: yup i understand that of being hurt again. honestly i really dunno how she feels but i can only judge from your heart. you like her. and honestly love is not a game about who wins or who loses. who made the last mistake and who should fix it. i only know it is really hard to find a person that you really love. i can only say if a girl left you for another guy and you still have feelings for her after 2 years. man, that is love. "grace" that you will only give to a girl that you really love.
x: i'm just tired of giving love to someone who is not sure about giving back or even appreciates it. talk about unconditional love. are you on her side or my side? how much did she pay you? haha.
cy: i am tryin to tell you how she feels. and what she is thinking. don't guy just want to know but won't dare to ask that girl.
x: well i just don't want to reply her message and answer her questions. and then what? do i initiate more conversation? i just honestly don't want to initiate anything because my faith is weak. if you were to break up with someone... and the person have tried a million times to be the initiator and it starts suffocating you... and when the person gets the message do you still expect him to start initiating again 2 years later??? (cy: no. i understand what you mean)
cy: if you had initiated so many times i am sure she knows you love her. but maybe she needs a sign now if you still likes her. so just leave an open door for her and reply her, if not she might think that you are not interested anymore.
x: ok i will reply her tomorrow. well, wait because i have been waiting for a long time.
cy: cruel
x: (#5) this is nothing compare to what i had to go through! at least that would send the message that i'm not desperate!
cy: ego!

golden lesson
i remember the last time i talked to him, he said 'it is over' between them. well because she is attached then. i mean if it is really over why are we discussing this. i guess i understand now, it wasn't over when they say it is over. it just meant... i don't want to think or talk about it now.

what i learned from greek philosophy, this is call active learning, asking questions to check the real condition of your heart or what you really believe. i didn't tell him they will be together again. i didn't tell him she still loves him, i merely showed him he still loves her and i think that is important. these are more questions you can ask yourself if you are in the same phase with him. as for me myself, i never claim that i know him too but as i talk to him i got to know him.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

you are loved even your not so lovely side

it is often said "to love one person, love all that person weaknesses too". one day you will find that person that will love even the worst of you.

1. someone that loves you even if you leave coffee cup ring stains on the table.
2. someone that enjoys your snores at night, a beautiful reminder that someone is sleeping at the side.
3. someone that likes your sweat smell because it carries a very unique odor that you and you alone carries.
4. someone that finds looking at you with your shirt all tuck in your pants, with the ugliest post lying on the bed as if no-one-is-there rather cute.
5. someone finds it fun to clean your ears because you hate to do that.
6. someone gets very excited to find those things you always misplaced.
7. someone still talks to you no matter how horrible you were last night.

hope you will feel special just thinking that this person is somewhere around.

Friday, November 17, 2006

i promise i will never say to you 'move on'

over this year, loads and loads of people had use these words to console me. now that the cloud of darkness has pass me by i want to talk about this without being emotional. i hope that none of you will take it to personally because i don't remember faces that say that. or there are just to many people that say it, i already felt numbed to it.

in life whether we like it or not we are moving on. so it is really an unnecessry piece of advice. and no those word are not really encouraging. i am not sure if anyone agree with me but can you imagine:

you go for a funeral to tell the family of the deceit, move on
your friend fail in an exam and you sit down next to him and say, move on
your father just got bankrupt and you walked up to him and say, move on
someone just lose a job and you pat his shoulder as he packed his stuff, move on
someone have a car accident and lost both his legs, you look down to his missing feet and say, move on

yes, enough example but i just think that those words are very insensitive. bill wilson once said if you want to be a comfort to other
sit where the person sit.
if you don't know what to say, it is ok just sit there. company is comfort not the words. just remember no one like to be down, if i am not moving on what the hell do you think i am doing?

reminder: i am just making a statement. i am not holding grudges to anyone. if there is one thing i can say, sorry if i hurt anyone in this one year. i wasn't in the mood of receiving advice. i think i finally understand that bit of it, sorry my friend for talking so much. haha

Thursday, November 16, 2006

will we all have a fairy tale ending?

translation: you were crying when you told me that fairy tale are all lies. it won't be possible for me to be your prince. maybe you won't understand but since the day you said you loved me... even the stars on my sky have brighten up. i am willing to be the angel that you love in the fairy tale. open up your hands and let me protect you. you must believe, believe me...that we will be like those in the fairy tale with a happy ending.

a short chinese song video clip. this is too good, i mean it is really like korean drama storyline.

crazy things i did the last week

1. i went to the chinese guru to get my knee massage. after the whole works. she bandaged it, it looked horrible. i took it off the next day to go for gym.
2. i went back to the chinese guru. this time it was even more drama. she poked two needles like the one on top to the side of my knee, it is suppose to let the blood flow. i had to admit i was terrified even before the needle touches me. she left the needles there and my whole leg got numbed. i got more nervous.... what's happening. ok that is suppose to be normal. my knee was feeling good immediately. quite amazing huh!
3. i still went for gym following that and it works out fine. i think my knee just need exercise so that the blood can flow. no wonder it hurts every morning. i'm aging faster than i think.
4. i went for body pump class yesterday. i was late so the free weight for 0.5 ran out. i reluctantly took the 2.5 for the first time. ouch my hands hurt but i think i am getting better. i am fine today. i think circumstances are pushing me beyond what i think i am capable.
5. i dropped my mum at the saloon today and accidentally got my hair perm. not only that i was the first customer to try their new product. i think i am a bit too daring recently.

is my knee and hair good. only time can tell. anyway i can live dangerously because i don't have husband and kids waiting for me at home.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

what if i don't call?

i just call to say, i love you. i just call to say, how much i care.

my little sister sang the chorus over and over again today. i remember a moment in my life i sang that chorus repeatedly too. we don't get very far with this song don't we? hahaha

just call me and i'll be there

i remember i told some of you i was quite excited to meet my long lost best friend from sec 1. that day when i first give her a call after i got her contact i was bursting with joy. all the flashback and memories. i thought this is going to be fun, we have a lot to catch up. the person that she used to be... that will laugh till she tears while i figure out what she is talking about.

since then, i had made a lot of calls to ask her out. we had met two or three times but i had stop calling. the last time we went out she called me because someone fong fei kei (fly aeroplane) her, i postponed my other appointment to company her. she asked me then "why you never call me already?*" then i replied her "i told you, i will always make time for you. if you are free just call me because you are more busy than me."

you know why i had call and sms a lot before that and i feel a bit unwelcome, maybe she doesn't want to meet me as much as i want to. do they really want you to sms when they don't reply? do they want to hear from you when they don't answer your call? sometimes you really wonder do ppl want to hear from you or not? so i stop, it's not that i don't care. i mean maybe they are happier without me bugging them.

i am a bit curious why she asked me that* the last time though.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

we are stories of the Story

isaac is his one and only son with sarah. the only son that lives with him. the walk to the mount that day, what do you think crosses abraham's mind?

to let go of the one i love? why ask me this, God? i must had heard wrongly. you just want a sacrifice from me isn't it? i can give you a 100 sheeps. i can give you other things. no? why not, is it because i had make isaac my god? he had not take over your place. really... God i will do everything you say. even if it means to give you my one and only son. these are things that could had possibly crossed his mind. but this is abraham's story and our lesson always stop here.

what do you think isaac feels? my dad doesn't love me. that is why he is willing to sacrifice me? it is such a pain to be his child, why do he has to do that to me? what had i done wrong? he don't know how to protect me? he doesn't have the right to be my dad?

what if really that is how the story goes. isaac is bitter about it, told his mum and they both decide to leave home. i mean what a crazy man that is. fortunately that is not how the story goes if not the whole bible wouldn't be the same anymore. abraham didn't even know exactly why he did what he did but he did.

'by faith abraham, when God TESTED HIM, offered isaac as a sacrifice. he who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "it is through isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, figuratively speaking. he did receive isaac back from the death.' (hebrews 11.17-19)

isaac and sarah didn't leave abraham. they know that abraham loves isaac very much. they know that he is a man trying his best to honour God the best he knows how. isaac understood through this obedient that everyone will be bless by God. isaac knows this God that works all things for good.

we live in a world that has more than one person. how do God one big plan works for the good of everyone? yet He can. your act of obedient might cause temporal hurt to others that doesn't understand but both will reap the benefits one day. there were days that i have to go through what abraham go through to let go of the one i love, yet there are days that i need to be like isaac to forgive and learn to trust the heart of the one i love. we all had not done wrong, this God we believe in is making a far more beautiful story then we can understand.

i can only say i am in awe again tonight.

Monday, November 13, 2006

it's complicated

i was wondering for a while why do friendster has this status of relationship, 'it's complicated'. i understand single, in a relationship and married. for the last few months i have talked to a lot of people, i think i finally understand that.

when do ppl put that status?
1. this person is in a relationship but is in a cooling down period/ time off. they had not discuss what to do yet.
2. this person is holding hand with a girl that is not his girlfriend.
3. this person has more than one girlfriend.
4. this person don't know what he wants.
5. this person is in a new relationship but is still very attach to his ex.
6. this person wants to start a new relationship but has not really break up with his ex yet.
7. this person is still waiting for his ex but she is not.
8. this person just break up but doesn't want to admit it.
9. this person didn't bother to fix the problem with his current girlfriend.
10. this person don't know how to fix the problem with his current girlfriend.

that status doesn't sound very good but at least it means he has not given up hope.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

i am such a cry baby

i cry when i have to do all over again what i just did.
i am frustrated. movies like man of honour make me cry too.

i cry when i misses someone and i can do nothing about it. i cry when someone misses me and i don't know about it.
i am pathetic. movies like summer scent (korean) make me cry too.

i cry when i see promises are broken or promises are fulfilled.
i am disappointed. movies like MVP valentines (taiwanese) make me cry too.

i cry when i am being misunderstood for my actions, especially when i cannot find the right word to explain myself.
i am hurt. movies like one tree hill make me cry too.

i cry when i am trying and other accused me of not trying.
i am lonely. movies like million dollar baby make me cry too.

i cry when someone do not protect me when he can do something about it.
i am abandon. movies like north country make me cry too.

i cry when sweet memories come. worst still if it is no longer there.
i am too happy/sad. movies like jerry macquire make me cry too.

i cry when other knows about my personal life not because i share it.
i am betrayed. movies like 10 things i hate about you make me cry too.

i cry when someone put my feelings out in words.
i am released. movies like full house (korean) make me cry too.

i cry when there is a happy ending.
i am touched. movies like nemo make me cry too.

i like it when you call me baby.

Friday, November 10, 2006

just for laugh

j: why, suddenly remember your umbrella when it starts to rain is it?
cy: yes, are you at home? can i have my umbrella back.
j: nope, i'm not at home. didn't your teacher teach you this "sediakan payung sebelum hujan" (prepare yourself for rainy days)?

r: why do a guy not call a girl? because he already has someone else in his life so he can DELETE HER for his memory.

wm: i really like your picture. kinda of like sending signals... i am single... come date me pls.
cy: oh really. then you have to take more photo for me, i need to sent more signals

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


image by corbis

- female magazine
- drunk before dawn

- greeks philosophy class (i had only went for 1 out 4 classes but i like it!)

- listening to Always and Forever the Daughter of a King series by Bobbie Houston
- listening to Womanhood by Ps Lee Choo
- psalms
- still reading Bono

- going to laundry
- meeting new and old friends
- having fun replying sms and msn of ppl i hardly know, you will know what i mean if you are from the irc generation :)
- watching my latest korean series save your last dance for me
- planning my next bangkok trip

- attending body pump, abt and abs classes in celebrity fitness
- thai massage at odyssey at tropicana clubhouse
- beauty spa

things i want to do very much but have not come to it:
- to read Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, my birthday present from elaine
- to read The Man who ate the 747 by Ben Sherwood, a surpise in my mailbox from a friend i haven't meet. according to him it is a very romantic book
- to make an arrangement with my doctor. the pain on my knee is getting quite serious. any driver that will be kind enough to fetch me around?
- use my FREE manicure spa, FEEE facial at Shiseido, FREE RM200 spa ( a lot of free stuff because i had been doing a lot of purchases, haha)
- sleep (ok i will never have enough eventhough i slept 11pm-11am, took my lunch and slept till 4pm today). tell you a secret, i think someone was awake for me last night so that i can sleep :)

i am not keeping myself busy to drown myself but when God shed some light in what i am going through, joy fill my heart once again. yes, i am most beautiful when i smile. i am the child of a King.

don't be busy looking for the one, be busy preparing yourself for the one

Sunday, November 05, 2006

a fine line between love and used-to-love him

when i was 19 i had a very special feeling for a friend. we dropped very obvious hints for each other - very drama birthday presents, post-it notes that we passed to each other everytime we meet and are too busy to talk to each other. the guessing game went as long as it can, one day i was sure that he likes me and the next day i feel that maybe he was just treating me as a friend.

then the time came that he needed to go oversea to study. he left me with a cassette tape, on the cover it is written: 'only hear this when i am on the plane'. it was pretty hard to hold on the cassette but not play it. nevertheless, i did wait. the content was very sweet, those that can make me cry but still he didn't tell me how he feels for me. i thought maybe he thinks that it is really selfish to tell me he likes me eventhough we can't start a relationship.

life goes on for both of us, we were very bad at keeping in touch, at average we had send each other 2 to 3 emails or snail mail a year. when i was 23, we met once when he came back for holiday. that was a very important day because i really want to know if i still feel the same for him or i was just still in love with the old him. at the end of the meal, it was a good time of catching up but i can see that he is no longer the same guy i used to like. still the time was short to tell anything. so i just left it as it is.

i think that meeting up did released me because at 24, i finally have this very special feeling again. of course history repeats itself, the guessing and waiting. i never think much of him anymore until he send me an email a month before he comes back. "i read the letter you gave me the day i left and am very encourage by it." i started to think again maybe he does still have feelings for me, i mean why bother to pick up a letter i gave you ages before. anyway he came back, we spend some time together and i know that i really don't feel the same for him anymore. more than that, i found out that he is attached. something he didn't tell me in any of the email. i do wonder why though? is it because he wants to keep me as a backup plan or he just didn't have the chance to tell me. anyway that is a close file case, i can peacefully enter my next relationship*.

yes, ppl often say that time will remove those feelings. but i am really capable of liking someone for very long. i guess that is why not meeting up with a person is quite dangerous. it is pretty hard to differentiate if you still love a person or you are loving the him that is in the past. but then again that might be what he wanted. ok maybe not, i don't think he is that cruel but i mean why not right? it is always nice to have someone like you. yes, he never asks me to wait so it is not his fault. in fact i should thank him, if not my record of bfs would probably have hit 2 hands by now. but i think the sad thing is, we never really share to each other anymore. is it true that a guy and a girl cannot be best friends?

also, i don't understand why guys keep their feelings to themselves. i mean why is it that he alone make the decisions for both of us?

* he is not my second choice. in fact, i felt more comfortable with him more than ever. i just want to be sure with my feelings before i make any decision because honestly if i still like the first guy. i would have continue waiting, man what's with me?

Friday, November 03, 2006

when the world around you go to sleep

in life a lot of things happen to us. we are not meant to fix them. it was there to fix us.

just a short impression like that, i am in tears. God is not quiet about what i am facing now, He is using the situation to fix me. no matter how much i don't enjoy this season of my life but i believe once again today. this might sound like a cliche, but truly all things happen for the good of those who love Him and called according to His purpose and when i come out of this, i will be like gold.

please be patient with me as i struggle with my life.
i was working the whole last night and i am going to bed now. if i haven't tell you why i enjoy being awake in the middle of the night - it is because when the noises of the whole world around you seize. suddenly God's voice become very clear.

in the quiet, in the secret place. in the stillness You are there

Thursday, November 02, 2006

since you have not seen me for a while

the wild side. i don't like this photo but i shall show you the only studio shot i had taken.

photo by bluinc

this is more like me. don't you miss my smile?

photo by anna

i will wait for you

what if i wait my whole life to find out that no one is waiting at the other end.the lake house

i will wait for you.