Sunday, December 30, 2007

the power of words

try reading this:
you are not very understanding, oh my gosh... i don't believe you dont know this, what??? stop bugging me, no wonder no one wants you, you are unrealiable

compare to this:
you are looking good, nice shoes, good work, you look hot, thanks for the pressie i like it a lot, you had been a great help, nice profile photo, you are the bomb

after church service today, i told myself ps paul ang is right. i must close my year right before i step into the next. i do not need extra baggages.

im a person that doesnt really care about what the crowds think of me. i care very much though about how my friends think of me. it can be just a passing comment, an expression or gesture but i am able to pick it up and quickly interpret it. ignoring the fact that some ppl just talk this way, i take it quite personal. i feel rejected, hurt, not pretty enough, not good enough and a series of things will run through my mind –– what i shouldnt have say or do. and yes most of the time i feel that i was better off not doing anything. less communication, less miscommunication (sorry this is not really true, but i perceive then). it just goes on and on till i get so fed up and i will just go to bed trying to shut those noises and believe me it helps.

i can accept honesty and constructive comments if im close enough to this person. but i cannot accept bluntness and sarcatism. those words make me really stupid and dumb. that was how i slide to my last depression when i began to compare myself with ppl around me. i wouldnt want to allow myself to get there again because it was tough to believe im good for anything then. two sides of the coin, i had learned not to take things to personal but i had also learn to built walls to protect myself (which is not exactly good). well we have to accept the fact that in this world some ppl just make you and some ppl just tear you.

"remember, it's not something wrong with you... most of the time it is something wrong with them. so dont be too affected" ps paul ang.

in the new year ahead, i want to complain less, praise ppl more and make their days. i want to be a builder. i hope that i will learn to be more sensitive instead of more cynical as well. im 28 still single, am in a highly sensitive and fragile category and it will be great if you can learn to be nice to me :). as for my side i choose to believe.... im still looking good, doing fairly well in my job and having a time of my life.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

the price of being popular

"i'm not easy to forget but i'm hard to remember" elizabethtown

the thing about being popular is everybody never forget me and my name. whether junior, senior, schools i studied for a year and two. places i stay and work for a year or two. plus i had changed my abode a few times – i had stayed in kl, US, singapore and subang in different season of my life. i attended 1 kindergarden, 2 primary schools, 3 secondary schools, one college, 2 churches, 3 companies in singapore, many i freelanced in kl. i had many cliques every season of my life. the price for all this is i get invited for weddings of ppl that i never even meet the whole duration of time since school days. i try not to look at the half empty glass and consider the half full. it is a priviledge ppl never forget me and i will always try to enjoy that honour by attending and catching up with old friends.

tonight, i attended a wedding of a friend i never meet since college. the couples were college mates but both were dating different person then. life. life. life. the food were not that fantastic but the ambience was breathtaking. im waiting for my friends to email me the photos. meanwhile just take a peep at the wallpaper first.

a photo with our formal 'miss the one'

this is the open upper deck of the cruise

my college friends
another wedding, im not disturbed... miss THE ONE ACADEMY is not attach too and she says she is not in a hurry. also im her junior so that gives me wings to fly.

Friday, December 28, 2007

work hard, play hard

i told you i was still playing hard despite the busy schedules. in fact more crazy. show you some proof.

"i think raymond (husband now) underestimated you girls, he said it is ok... they are church girls." said cheryl the bride-to-be, our victim of the night.

of course you have crazy chaiyen... but trust me, i was just participating. im not the mastermind of this whole thing. it is normally planned by the married women cause they can max their evil-ness and know that revenge will never come their way. ok dressed up, we are ready to go!

and we thought she is a shy girl, till she started approaching ppl. these are just some of the photos... the rest are not suitable for public viewing. but then besides our cameras there were loads of ppl with camera around that were snapping non stop. for a moment she felt like a celebrity.

she sold all of it, though it wasn't easy dealing with uncles that claim they dont' know how to use it, or young boy that shy away (he is probably on his first date with the girl hahaha) but overall ppl were very supportive. that is a surprise to me yes but we were smart to approach our target as well.

it is a tuesday night so it is pretty hard to find cute guys and moving on to laundry didnt really make it any better. so we just went for our ever cutest guy, marcus. (of course he was reluctant to let us shave him, all these look-conscious-guy... but we promised to shave with the cover on. so in a way we just mess him up). yes, that is how we reward him, the manager that buy us girls one round of shots.

looking for a guy to put lipstick on was tough. we were careful to approach better looking guys because we know what follows after. to which one told us "i will not do it, im divorce." like who cares... so unsporting weird fella. anyway we gave up with cute guys... so we just went for whoever was willing.

and tadahh we are done. too much laughters and we were really, really tired.

the wicked girls, these are my cell girls. this is what we do without the guys. with the guys... we eat. and i mean we eat really a lot.

following this, we didn't let the guys have an easy way through the doors for the 'chip san leong'. im officially good with hens night and chip san leong. who is next muahahahaha s****!

Monday, December 24, 2007


this is just how wide my macbook camera booth can capture and it is already nicely pack in paper bags for distribution. also i had cleared my ex bfs and collegues. how scary it was? it carpeted every inch of my room while i was trying to pack.

what is christmas to me?
ok, im terrified by the amount of money i keep withdrawing from my atm, christmas shopping is quite crazy especially when you actually know that your bank account still have money (yes, i dont save) and your mind keeps reminding you of the things that these friends of yours want. and if you remember and you can afford, you can't just go get something else that they dont need right? so i just did that. again and again, i try not to total up how much i spend because i believe i might freak out.

leng, my sis asked me, "is it because God so freely give his one and only begotten son, we must learn to give? is that what christmas is all about (because she feels a hole in her pocket each time and that is painful *ouch*, plus the late nights of cutting, packing and hard work)". i answered "erm, i dun think so... it shouldn't be painful. it should be the joy of giving and blessing others. it should be the surprise on the ppl faces to receive what they dont expect from you. the joy of receiving something they ask for long, long ago, the smile on their face that someone in this world actually listens and knows them, a reminder to someone that you still have a place for them in your heart." all those smiles are my present, seriously i dont ask for anything more in return.

and remember im a sucker for birth dates. so christmas is the best i can do. but the downside is, they are too many ppl i need to buy for so my budget is limited.

what did i do on christmas eve?
seriously, no party? one, i dun want to be in a party of my friend's friends. i want to be with one i really care and love (to which i dun have, so i just choose to stay home). two, i dun need to party for the sake of party. also i need to go to church tomolo so i dont need a hangover to dim the real meaning of christmas. because seriously that is probably what i really want from Him this year. a reminder, the joy of my salvation.

i surprisingly cleared all my work. so the last two days i had been eating, sleeping and watching grey's. im really enjoying it, im really going to make sure i fight for this in the new year.

im perplexed leng is in laundry partying with her collegue and im at home. it's normally the opposite.

im amused by the evening incident. i have a cute boy reversed and bang my car. we exchanged number just in case and he sent me a christmas message at 12am. that is ironically funny isn't it? what do you think will happen if i reply that sms... he actually said "it is a present from santa we get to know each other". he actually believes in santa... haha so i guess that is a no-no.

i pray that all of you will have a meaningful christmas this year. the joy of giving and knowing you have someone to love. in the midst of the christmas carols, presents, beers and hugs... may each and everyone of you find that very one that loves you. so that, that love give you the fullness and strength to start the new year. muaks, muaks. hug hug. know that you have a place in my heart.

Friday, December 21, 2007

a good break from work

i finally found someone to watch this show with me wed night since thursday was a public holiday. i have so much to write about this movie but i need to control my urge for a while because i have unbelievable amount of work to finish tonight. in a nutshell, it is a good educational tool for guys into the world of a woman. wished i had went to that movie with any of THAT few guys. then i can keep poking them throughout the show "HEAR THAT". hehe. if you watch that alone, you will so hear my voice saying that to you.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

tested and proven works

i still remember that feeling. the feeling that i will never get through this. i could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

i know many ppl believe that sulking is not the way out. we encouraged ppl not to think about the past relationship anymore, get rid of all the things, deny the feelings then it will be gone. i had been the company of a fair share of break-up-ers. i think i had successfuly see each of them get up, pull through, courting again, get attach and get married.

1. i drink with them - too much alcohol is not good but a little will give them a better sleep. all they need to do is pass by the night and that is what we can do for them. a little of 'eyes washing' gives them hope as well that their still guys around.
* i wont even think about lecturing them about alcohol, most of the time i company them till they tell me: " 'enough', i waste too much money in alcohol... i need to pick myself up". so be it, then we can start doing other things.
2. i let them talk - i let them tell me how much they still miss their ex, what went wrong, let them process what happen. we all know sometimes things just happen too fast and to be able to reason all this allow ourselves to come to terms with the situation.
* i never tell them to stop thinking about it because i know it is not exactly a choice and the last thing i will ever say is "actually he is not such a great guy". even though some of them are really not that great because i have learned that it is not exactly comforting. and if you catch the person in a terrible mood you might get a slap, "right! why dont you tell me when we were dating, friend!" izzie in grey's spelled it out very well.
IZZIE: "When Derek broke up with you, nobody told you were better off without him. It's not supportive, it's condescending. I was there for you, and the one time I need you... Just go away, Meredith."
3. i let them know i know how it feels
* i dont pretend that it never hurt me though it is over now because fact is i remember it was torturing. the amount of things that run through the mind every minute. memories, the words-i-should-had-say-and-i-shouldnt-had-said, the cannot-believe-it-had-come-to-an-end, the looking-for-which-bit-it-last-went-wrong, the want-to-stay-and-hope-or-move-on feeling. sometimes this thoughts come one by one. sometimes it comes all together. you hate it..., you drown yourself with work. sometimes you cant even work and you just hide underneath the blanket not wanting to face the day. you dont want to talk to anyone because they ask you surface question and they expect you to give 'im ok, i have move on' answer. the world just doesnt help when friends come asking where is your partner, every song lyrics just seems to want to speak into your situation, every movies seems to want to give a fair share as well.

i had went through it, but i realised that i need to remember what i went through because someone today need to know i know how they feel. this entry is:
1. to those that had not gone through this, i pray that you will never. but make a point to give this ppl time to mourn if you really want to be there for them
2. and to those who went through those sucky time with me, i could not explain how comforting to have you there with me because i know you fully understand. i believe we had dragged each other along the way for a while. and for those that are going through it now, the light is there... we just need to keep walking.
3. to those special ones, those that had sat with me and hear me go through the stories again and again. you deserve a greater salute because you didn't understand but because you care, you had chose to listen. thanks.

this whole situation had taught me to be even more hopeful as if im not already 'miss hope' (haha). for example now, my work seems to have no end but im looking forward... hanging in there each day because the end will surely come. yes it will come.

the sun will rise once again.

Sunday, December 09, 2007


1. work for passion not for the money
i never thought i will ever earn 5 figure in a month. i hit it once or twice this year. with the amount of deadline, wrinkles and sleepless nights that come with it, i concluded that is not what i want to do the rest of my life. i know i can actually keep those clients and at least make a fortune out of it for the next few years. im in my second month and all i want to do is close all my jobs to fulfill my contract and put an end to this. i dont want the money if it means i dont have the time to spent it. i want to go singapore, watch dvd, go out yam cha with my friends, go movies, go gym and most importantly i want my sleep. i always know i dont want to work the rest of my life. i also always know i didnt work just for the money, i want to enjoy my work. this year, i can finally say that im sure about that.
2. better to love then not love
i wounded myself quite badly in my last relationship. the pain lasted so long, i told God "i don't want to feel that pain anymore... i don't want that feeling of being in love anymore." and it is funny i only pray for that this year. maybe it was because i know God is able and the years before this despite the pain i didn't want Him to remove that feeling. the feeling that i love someone so strongly. like i said God is faithful to anwer that prayer of mine. a series of event took place and im not sure which morning but i woke up one day and i realised that i could let it go. i dont believe this either but i actually say this the other day, "i miss being in love". and i dont mean i miss being in a relationship. i actually meant i miss the agony of thinking of someone everyday, the feeling of being thrilled to see him and all that. it is crazy but why i say that is because i realised that "love keeps your heart alive". when you love someone -- whether in pain or joy, whether in tears or laughters -- you live your day. when you love someone somehow it is easier to remember how much God loves you. but now that im not in love and im so busy it seems like everday pass me by just like this. i find it hard to remember God's love for me. i felt that i have not live. because what i last remember, despite how busy i was, i miss someone and i know that my heart is alive.

i think i always know what i wanted. sometimes i think im confusing God. "God i need job", "God i don't want to work", "God i dont want the feelings of being in love", "God i miss being in love"... i think today i shall just say "God i dont know what i want but You know better. but this year i thank You for giving me what i do not want so that i know what i really want". God is good (full stop).

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

my wish for you

i know im always busy but this must be the busiest week. current favourite.

my prayer for you, my friend.

my wish by RASCAL FLATTS
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

Saturday, December 01, 2007

love comes with complication

today one of my friend is going for to a registrar to certify her marriage without the knowledge of her mum because she knows the mum will disapprove. will be attending a wedding later of which the bride again struggled through her whole relationship because her husband is of a different race. will be attending another wedding at the end of the year, this girl is marrying her best friend ex bf. this wasnt such a great deal except that she dated him shortly after they broke off. so now she definitely going to face the judgemental eyes of some during her wedding.

my question? love is complicated enough isn't it?

it took us forever to find someone we love.
it took forever to find someone that feels the same.
then it takes another forever to find a guy that is willing to settle down and wants to take care of you for the rest of your life.

and we thought that is tough enough. then we realised we still have to find someone that our parents and friends like. at the end we try to do the latter and forget about the formal. today i wish all these friends of mine.

cheers to true love.

love is complicated but maybe it is there to test the love you claimed you have. not that i want the disapproval of my parents and friends, i hope that comes. but i think nothing beats the feeling of finding one that will stand through these wars with you.