Wednesday, December 23, 2009

sacredness of a diary

i met up with my ex the other day.

he: is this your diary? (he snatches it from the table)
me: give it back to me! (i try to grab it back)
he: just let me read a little... (he fanatically go through the pages, barely read anything. thank God for my hideous and small handwriting)
me: (i finally successfully snatch it back)
he: so anyone read your diary before?
me: erm... yah my last ex bf (recalling the amount arguments we actually had just because i showed him my diary)
he: that is not fair... you never let me read
me: really? you never ask (actually i dont remember, it was like what 12 years ago)
he: i did, and you say it is your privacy. that is not fair, so not fair...

i found that amusing, my ex bf is jealous of my ex bf. oh yah, and he is already married. so cute.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

happy ending

just finished OTH season 6. i like the ending. in fact, i love it. everyone holding the person they love and want in their arms; miracle birth despite major hiccups in pregnancy; mother affirming her daughter; from nobody to your dream job. maybe this phrase sums it all very well "dream comes true everyday" or at least it seems like that to everyone in tree hill.

and so i am one of those that like the happily ever after. but my problem is i need that, i just realised that. i have this phobia whenever i see a happy ending. the fear to start watching the next season creeps in because i fear that something bad might happen. i mean it is already the best it could be. it is not the first time, i have the exact same feeling while watching the finale of Grey's season 4. imagine the background of an empty open field up the hill overlooking the city. meredith standing right there in the middle of a floorplan of her dream house drawn out by candles, pouring her heart out to derek and they kissed. that's sweet, that is nice. that is a good enough ending for me. view the moment here.

im not sure you feel me, i waited for 4 season for them to get together. that is like what 3-4 years of my time. i waited with them through all their guilt, dealing with their past, confusion, misunderstandings and all. i waited for that moment to happen. unlike most of our epic fail life, it happens and it was beautiful. and when it happens, i dont want to go anywhere. yah, im guarding their happy ending so jealously that i want to freeze that moment. maybe because i know life is not going to be so kind, that it always have a way to screw it up. im afraid someone else will come in between them again, another major misunderstanding will separate them forever, or one of them might just die. just goes to show what a pessimist i have become.

yah, im dramatic. i took a while but i i did rise above it and watch the next two season of grey's. just when i thought it couldnt get better, the relationship mature, they proposed and they got married. if OTH and grey's hitherto can find a way to wrap up every season with this kind of so called happy ending for me, maybe i should have a little faith as well in the Author of my life. watching the next season of OTH might just be that leap of faith that i should take.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

just a footnote

"it sucks being the footnote of someone else's love story" OTH

i knew it from the beginning. i recognise that girl from the start. way to familiar, way to real, way to scary.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

you cant break a broken heart

"eventually we define happiness in our own terms in spite of the pain that ppl has cause us." haley, OTH

Monday, December 14, 2009

i miss you

"Why do we miss a person? It’s either because we realize that we never treasured the moments when they were always there and it left us wishing we could turn back time again. Or we were too happy with them, we enjoyed every single moment, that we became so used to the idea of having them around."

retweeted by staticwander
(via raindropsonredroses)

if it is the formal, it is normal to feel like that. let's stop sulking, do better if we have a chance; otherwise, do better for the next person. if it is the latter, you might be in love and you might not even realise that yet. most importantly is, dont be so busy sulking over the first lost that we miss out on the second. for that, we will be the greatest idiot of all.

Friday, December 11, 2009

love finds you

"i think i made the right choice"
"that is where it gets you, son. thinking you have a choice. love finds you. you dont find love."
a stranger to lucas scott, OTH.

Friday, December 04, 2009

genesis 1: God spoke

my iphone died 6am, i could not receive phone calls, neither can i call out. it must be this morning, of all morning, the very morning i act as a wedding planner. i panicked. i have to be at the hotel by 7am. all the vendors, the bridesmaids, the families are all going to be calling me. i try putting my simcard in another phone, it is not working either. shit, this is getting more horrid than i can bear. i have a faulty simcard. 6.15am in my towels and half changed, i call maxis and they told me i have to walk in to a maxis centre to get a new simcard. i know there is nothing much i can do. 6.50am, darn it... i just have to leave for the hotel NOW, i'll try figure out what to do later. so i grab everything and leave. juggling in between tying up the ribbon for my tube top, carrying my bag, my heels, my box of itinerary and what not, and yah not forgetting my latte in the fridge i packed in advance last night. this wasnt how i plan the day. not sleeping was not part of the plan too.

in my attempt to calm down, i pray: God why is this happening again? yes the exact same thing happened to my last iphone, the very morning i planned another wedding 2 years ago. i managed to slot my simcard into my old nokia phone then which refuse to even give me that consolation this morning. in my desperation i continue: God can you deal with me after this whole wedding is over. *beep beep* yes before i can say more, my phone is working again. and it continued to function till today.

so is God trying to talk to me? i believe so... and that line had not leave my head the last few days "God-deal-with-me-after-this". i believe that is him calling me to come back to His word. and so i did. may His grace carry me thru to do that very thing He calls me to do.

my devotion

God spoke: "Light!" And light appeared.

at the first thought, i was thinking God you have an advantage. whatever you command just happen. if whatever i say will happen in an instance, my life will probably not be this mess up. then i let that thought continue. actually maybe not. it is grace that we require actions to make things happen. because our world will be double a hell if whatever we say will just happen. remember: we frequently say things we do not mean, and not say those we mean. we regret what we say and worst still sometimes dont even know what we say or want.

yet every now and then we are given authority to summon ppl to do as we say. for instance at the wedding, as a planner, every banquet manager, waitress, waiter, PA person, do as i say. but with that come a huge responsibility that i so often am not willing to carry. that whatever they do not do right, falls under my fault too. they are like my extra hands -- an extension of me, so i cannot say that my hand did not do as i say, or my leg is so stupid because she doesnt understand my instructions. with power comes responsibility, yes it surely does. the whole wedding turned up fairly well. i was so tired, i was on bed for almost two days thereafter. im actually glad to go back to the place of no authority, my comfort zone. never will i think that God is in advantage, instead im embracing that grace while i learn to speak wisely.

God, thank you for this training ground. thank you for not giving me the power im not ready to possess. teach me to think before i speak. at rightful time, teach me to speak with confidence and authority as a child of God should.