Monday, May 29, 2006

emotions are not control by reasoning

"Though i speak, my grief is not relieved;
And if i remain silent, how am i eased?
But now He has worn me out;
You have made desolate all my company."


i was just thinking do you believe that Job can actually handle all the disaster that had hit him. losing his children, possession, health and so on but he was coping well. for all that had fall upon him he was really doing very well, until his friends came.

those friends that don't understand how he feels
those friends that don't know what kind of person he is all this while
those friends that add salt to his wound
those friends that he cares

i guess it will not hurt as much if they are just mere stranger
i guess it will not hurt as much even though they can't help but keep him company
i guess it will not hurt as much if they use a softer approach
those friends that he fought for when other gossip about them

maybe he couldn't see their pure intention
maybe that is what they understand so far
maybe he too had not explain himself very well
maybe it is just a miscommunication again

someone said "with friends like this, who need enemies". i grinned, friends and enemies they don't have a name tag do they? but if i start labelling ppl as my enemy, it will be very tiring isn't it. so maybe it is easier to just label everyone as friend and give them the benefit of doubt.

i had said the wrong things, shown the wrong gesture, used the wrong tone while comforting others. like ps lee choo said unlike those right word, right time, right place ppl; i am the wrong word, wrong time, wrong place ppl. so maybe i shouldn't be so upset. but i can't help it to admit i am hurt, i mean my tears are not listening to the reasoning of my mind.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

life is a result of what you do with them

when someone break up, there are 3 situations they can be when you catch them the next month:
A. they are back as a couple already
B. they are good friends now
C. they are still not talking yet

*the three of us went out for a 'break-up-ers gathering' last month. we heard from each other and kept each other company. recently i catch up with them, ironically i found out each of us landed with different endings. i never believe this more, that life is a result of what you do with them.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

things went on without me

"I was stunned at how easily things went on without me." Mitch Albom

I was taught to be responsible since young. when i do one thing, i must always finish it. i think that things will fall apart if i just walk away. i realise more and more as i grow that i had thought too highly of myself. when i left ish the magazine continue to went on print, when i left my cell group that group went on, when i left my friends that group went on to meet.

this only explains to me that when i am caught up with things in life, it was only because i need those things to make me who i am. i need to feel busy and wanted. i need my friends more than they need me. i need my job more than the job needs me. the fact is we are all not that important.

if you ever think that do you matter to ppl. don't think because you don't. it is just that ppl had grown used to you. soon they will forget you when they find your replacement. when you begin to think this way you will learn that the world continue to moves with or without you. instead of asking them to change for you, you will have to humbly change to be accepted, to get your jobs and your friends.

how horrifying life can be when ppl begin to make use of each other. walk away whenever they want to and come whenever they need you. pathetically, i am part of that fallen creature.

Monday, May 22, 2006

what you will hear in the cinema

about da vinci code

amusing... don't you just like the singlish and hokkien language.

i do get sick

i am sick. besides my whole body aching, i am having running nose and coughing out green phlegm with blood. i think my throat is bleeding that explains the blood.

1. i can't really sleep early nowadays, therefore i had been watching dvds till 3am the week before. so that i will be dead tired after that and just fall asleep. i felt a bit of sore throat then.
2. on friday, i went to bangsar for some wine. then my friend brought me to another party at a pub in the curve which they serves me some liquor mix with lime juice. i had a few glasses. that night i felt the sore throat getting worst.
3. on saturday i wanted to do some sports, but i guess i overdo it. i went for my first body pump class, followed by a yoga class. i felt totally fine after doing it so i thought it is ok. i had running nose that night, my whole body is aching especially my thigh. i think i am dehydrated.
4. on sunday, i still went out the whole day for grease then for dinner and da vinci code. when i reached home i needed to finish some work for submission on monday morning which i only finish at 2-3am. that is when the cough comes and i conclude i am really sick.

i remember when i work like hell in singapore then, i used to get sick once or twice in a month with the same symptoms. nowadays i rarely get that sick because overall i rarely exercise, i sleep a lot and i am not that stress.

even though physically i am not so drain out, emotionally i might be. many ppl often think i am a very strong person, i guess sometimes i wish by getting sick i'll show them i am still a girl. a very fragile creature. stop breaking me!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

9 1/2

01. the insider
02. big fish
03. a beautiful mind
04. forest gump
05. gandhi
06. notting hill
07. shakespeare in love
08. love actually
09. gone with the wind
10. seven*

for the last 10 days i had been catching up with some old dvds. in a way i had only watch 9 1/2 because seven was spoilt, i only managed to watch till the second murder. from the range of love to inspiring to life to classic to comedy. all those good movies that i had not watch because i was single then. i don't normally go for movies when i am not attach because i don't go to cinema alone, thus i won't even know what movie was on screen.

a change of perspective again. hollywood is indeed real, if not it will not stir up so much emotions. what i mean is if not it will not be able to show us how we feel. but what might not be true is it uses the stories of many lives and put it into one story. therefore the drama, the extreme but that is still life and i am sure many of us can relate with it.

* in the order of most inspiring movies but seven is exempted because i had not finish watching it.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

i won last night

i stayed up to watch the champions league final barcelona-arsenal last night. i watched it at a mamak with big screen. i like the game very much because every game is like a life story itself. the thing is i only stand by my team and cheer for them throughout as if that is the life i am fighting. i know nothing about the player, the position or the fouls. worst still, i was not even watching my team, man u play yesterday. but like any ABU team (Anything But United) i sat there as an ABA team (Anything But Arsenal), once again my spirit was on the field fighting for a war within me.

at the first 18th minute my heart goes out for Arsenal when their keeper was given a red card. if i'm Lehmann i will be really sad, playing for the whole season and now he cannot play for the final. worst still for Pires who had to sit at the bench for the rest of the game so that the substitute goalkeeper can play. the question "why me? it is not my fault. i want to play for the final."

anyway they lost, so they can either be glad and say "thank God i didn't play so it is not my fault they lost" or "they lost because my manager never put me in, we are short of one man, our keeper haven't play for a whole season..." or whatever excuses but they lost.

the reason why the game last night was good or why i always like man u in particular is because they have this magic. i never give up on them even on the last 10 minutes. Barca had the same magic, when all seem hopeless Eto'o put in a goal on the 76th minute which leads to another goal later.

this 90 minutes game is how i perceive life most of the time. don't call me to give up, you never know what is going to happen at the last 10 minutes. and hope is what drives me till the end of the game, if only life is shorter.

* I am not a football commentator, i was just talking about life. if you want to know more about the game, please read.
Barcelona overcomes depleted Arsenal in Champions League Final, New York Times
Barcelona wins Champions League Soccer Final, New York Times
Barcelona comes back to win Champions League final 2-1 over Arsenal, USA Today

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

do not judge a book by its cover

i had been keeping a diary since 1996. it is all on my shelf now following the order of the year. you can ask me every crush i had, every date, every little words that had been said, almost every dream i remember, everytime i cry, every touching sms i received, every small to big things that happen in my life. it is recorded. i write really a lot, when i have things unsaid, when i have no one to talk to, when no one understands, when i want to think aloud... i just write.

as if a girl memory is not good enough, i have to keep a copy of it. i like to read it once in a while, i laugh, i cry, i smile when i read it but life was more simple then.

if i read through every diary there will be some good times and bad times. this diary that i have up there is the nicest diary i have in my collection on the external, i felt that it is unworthy of its content. i have not find a single day that i want to remember in it. i ask myself isn't it good if i wake up one day and have a partial lost of memory. i had been using it since the beginning of this year and i am glad i am finally on the last page of the diary today.

may tomorrow be a new day.

Monday, May 15, 2006

it is unfair to be a woman, but i am proud to be

Your desire should be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. Genesis 3.16

An unmarried woman or virgin is concern about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband. 1 Corinthians 7.35

i always ask myself is that really a woman fate, to please her husband. is that the cause of building a home, when a woman have to shelf all their passion and dreams. isn't that a bit unfair? i guess ps lee choo's message yesterday digged on this issue again.

'if a husband leaves a wife, he literally kills her because she loses her identity, security, hopes...'

there are two ways to build a marriage to me:
1. breaking your life down to my marriage, my career, my friends, my children, my dreams
2. a marriage that we will build our children, friends and dreams together

i know actually i can keep myself away from being hurt if i don't give my all when i am in a relationship. keep the rest in a different compartment, at least i will still have things i can hold on to when either one fail. i couldn't probably because my concept of marriage is the latter option.

i had no desire to be big evangelist like kathryn kuhlman who can not keep both her husband to stand by her because she is too powerful for them to handle, nor do i want to be that woman that sits on the top of a corporate ladder running a million dollar company. i am happy for any woman that made it there, not sure why i do not desire to be there myself.

so here i share my ambition which might not sound very ambitious to many (one which is pretty much the opposite of what everyone thinks of me), i desire to be that woman that stays at home, stands by my man while he conquers the world, keeping the home a comfortable place for him to come back to. together we raise up kids building a beautiful legacy for them. i had failed in so many relationships and i fear i can never make it to be that selfless person in a relationship. but everytime i look at the faces of these women ps nina, ps julie, ps fei fei... and of course my beloved mum; i can imagine how they can many times feel lonely, rejected, forgotten, misunderstood and even stupid for giving their all. but that same faces give me hope it is possible.


Sunday, May 14, 2006

that presence still lingers

i don't know why songs like one voice and lord pour out your spirit always draw me back to the time when i was on my knees praying with a group of young ppl that had the same heart cry. we were interceding for our city, for our friends... very rarely for ourselves maybe because we couldn't see the fact that we can end up in this stage now. honestly until now i still do not understand if i am in the stage of spiritual maturity (when my religion is no longer bound in the 4 walls of the church) or derailment. i could not judge exactly how we are doing individually but the external, we are all scattered, with different opinions, we can hardly agree with anything important anymore.

while we were singing i went on my knees, i entered in my mind the room that we were once in to catch that spirit.
"God let those we prayed for then, those who were saved, who were healed, who were weak but strong now. God let them pray for us now that who are weak. at least we know some are remembering us in prayer when we do not have the strength to do so ourselves.

won't you also bind all of us who were there once again. those things that used to bind our hearts together - the knowledge that we are all ragamuffin, the fact that we all genuinely care for each other, the part that we all share the same dreams, the joy of seeing YOU in each of our lives. God removes all the complication of adulthood, remove all the miscommunication and doubts that had come between us. help us that we can see eye to eye that we may dare to enter each other lives once again."

Friday, May 12, 2006

i am growing younger

i was doing a body massage today and the girl asked me, "are you 18 yet?". just to make a double emphasize, the girl doing the massage for my mum asked "how old is your daughter, is she 18 yet?"

these three comments had come too frequent these few months.
1. you look prettier now
(mostly from people who had not meet me for a while)
was it because i put on weight, the make up, i dress up better now, the glow of love because i was in a relationship then... i dunno
2. you look like 18-24
(mostly from people who do not know me yet)
i am curious about this, when i was 16 i can already made it into the disco without the bouncer checking my ic. when i was 21 some said i look like 24. so what happen suddenly?
3. is chai leng your older sister?
(mostly from people who is not close enough to us)
okie some did say because she is taller than me and to be fair she came back with working clothes :)

i am just glad to receive such compliment. thank GOD i am growing younger. what you might not know is this, what you say of the exterior of a woman affects the interior of her more than anything. it gives her pride that she is doing well.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

i went out with the greatest player

he always has his ways around girls. he stared at me from his classroom everyday. our first conversation was "can you be my girlfriend?" he had gfs at two different seasons he courted me during high school. but there are just his ex, he claimed. i knew what kind of guy he was but somehow he made me believe his love for me is real. that is my third ex bf.

we went out for three months. despite the kind of person he is, i totally trust him. he makes me feel very secure because he tells me everything. one night, we were in a very minor arguement and he said maybe i will be happier without him. it was so minor i couldn't believe we broke off. that was when i learn that guy never say they want to break up no matter how much they wanted it.

the night after, my friend saw him with another girl. yes i know all about it before that, that girl likes him but he didn't told me that bit he didn't mind. so we met the following day, i reliased then of course the minor arguement wasn't the reason we broke off but still it ended up really pleasant. we were still friends and he called every now and then when his gf is not around. there are many things that he said that i still remember till today but this is remarkable:

"you are a good wife. the best woman i had ever meet. but not enough for me now because i need sex. when you turn 27 and you are not married yet then i will come back to marry you. if you get married that year, watch out at the door of the church i will come and take you away."

i was only 17 years old then. you know it will never happen but this guy just has his way around to make you feel like the most wanted woman in the world. girls hate guy that lies, not if you are as good as him. he has his way to make you feel really loved no matter what he does even at the point when he is with another girl. i lost his contact when i was in singapore and i had never seen him again since then. but i do hope i will see him again. a cup of tea and give him a chance to make me feel on top of the world just for one more day :)

it is horrible to feel that someone cheat on you, but when you think he loves you it doesn't matter anymore. that is what a good player do, they never make you cry.

* this entry has no intention to embarass him, i dedicate this entry to him because i can never forget him. and if he is married now, sorry his wife might had to take the fact that he might sleeps with some other women out there but don't worry he will never let you know. better than those stupid guys that never sleep with anyone but make their wife think that they did because all they can say is "you don't trust me and there is nothing i can say". trust me, this man can makes you happy for the rest of your life and you will believe on your death bed you are the only woman he loves.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

the word became flesh

when truth is no longer a concept but a life lived
when faith is no longer a declaration but actions
when hope is no longer a wish but your eyes begin to see it unfold
when love is no longer a desire but can be felt

that is what it means when the word became flesh (john 1.14)
*we don't really need to understand everything but live the little we know

a hard time catching up

my family, originally uploaded by chaiyen.

this year itself i had attended 4 weddings, 2 rom, a party for my friend's newborn and one of my peer just told me last week that she is pregnant. i give up. when they got married i thought i am not that far but now they are starting to make babies. ok i admit i am far from it.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

10 things i hate about you

01. i hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair
02. i hate the way you drive my car
03. i hated when you stare
04. i hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind
05. i hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me ryhme
06. i hate the way you are always right
07. i hated when you lie
08. i hated when you make me laugh, even worst when you make me cry
09. i hated when you are not around and the fact that you didn't call
10. But mostly i hate the way i don't hate you not even close not even a little bit not even at all

Katarina's poem, 10 things i hate about you

* i had deleted his number from my phone but i cannot remove it from my head.

Monday, May 01, 2006

death of a friend

What pain darkened my heart! (Lam. 5.17). All that I saw was death. My home town was a torment to me, my home strangely cursed; all the things I had shared with him were, without him, transformed into the grievous tortures. My eyes looked expectantly for him everywhere, but he was denied to their sight. I hated everything, because it did not contain him; nor could anything now say to me, 'Look, he is coming,' as they could when he had been absent during his life. I became the object of my own investigation, and asked my soul repeatedly why it was sorrowful, and why did it trouble me so deeply; and it did not know what to say in return. And if I said, Hope in God (Ps. 42.5, 11, Ps. 43.5 [Ps. 41.6, 12, Ps. 42.5]), it would not obey, and rightly; for the friend I had lost was, though a man, a thing more real and better than illusion in which I bade my soul trust. Weeping alone was sweet to me, and took the place of my friend among the pleasures of my mind.

... For why had my former grief been able to pierce me so easily and so deeply, if not because I had, as the saying goes, 'spilt my soul on the sand' by loving a mortal as if he were immortal? What refreshed and renewed me most of all was the solace I derived from other friends, who shared my love for the things I loved most instead of you - that great myth, that long to lie which entered my mind as it itched to be tickled through my ears, and rubbed it s an adulteress strokes her lover. That myth of mine did not die if one of my friends did, and in my friends I found other pleasures, which captivated my mind even more: shared talk, shared laughter, mutual acts of kindness, the shared reading of good literature, of moments of levity and seriousness; occasional disagreements that were without ill-feeling, as a man can disagree with himself, which gave a relish to our more usual concord; teaching and learning from each other, longing impatiently for each other when absent, welcoming our absent friends with joy when they returned. Those and other such tokens, which proceed from the hearts of those who love each other and express themselves in the face, the speech, the eyes, and a thousand gestures of goodwill, are, so to speak, the kindling of the fire which melds minds together, making one out of many.

This is what we cherish in our friends, to the extent that a man's conscience feels guilty, if he does not love one who loves him in return, or love in return one who loves him, seeking nothing from his lover's body except these tokens of goodwill. This is the source of grief if someone dies; this is why we are darkened with sorrow, why sweetness is turned to bitterness, why my heart streams with tears. It is the dead who have lost their life, but the living experience death.

excerpt from Book 4, The Confessions - Augustine

Someone close is no longer around. i wish to continue to love but somehow it is not as easy to love without connection. no wonder the marriage vow goes till death do us apart.

i am such a baby

i was all prepared for something very chim when i read The Confessions - Augustine but i am glad it is more bearable than lewis. even happier to find out that it was not another book written to men but prayers uttered to God. a mere reflection, it is really beautiful.

I have been told that I did this, and I believe it, as we can see other children do the same; but I do not remember my own early tears and smiles. And by and by I came to perceive my own surroundings, and perceive my surroundings, and conceived the wish to make my wishes known to others, so that they could fulfill them. But in this I was frustrated, for my wishes were within me, while the bystanders were outside, and none of their senses enabled them to enter my soul. So I could trash around my arms and legs, and make noises, which I intended to be signs bearing some resemblance to my wishes; but such poor signs I could make bore no true resemblance to them. And when my wishes were not granted, either because those around me do not understand me or because what I wanted would not have been good for me, I grew indignant to find that my elders were not slaves, only to wait upon children; and I revenged myself upon them by fits of tears. My own experience of babies has been enough to teach me this is typical behaviour. Without ever having known me, these babies have taught me that I too was like that...

But I found that I could not in this way communicate everything I wanted to everyone I wanted. So whenever they referred to me to something by name, and in mentioning the name made some gesture towards the object in question, I took a firm hold of it with my memory... I began to string them together in sentences of my own, in order to convey my own desires. And so it was I came to share with those around me the signs we use to convey our wishes; I entered deeper into the troubled waters of human society...

excerpt from Book 1, The Confessions - Augustine

And again we have to always learn to communicate to another in his language. in a way we have to always learn another language. i am bad at this, maybe i have bad observation skills. ppl often get me wrongly. i think i am from another planet. when will i ever find my own.

from the mammoth that had been living with the squirrels, from ice age