Saturday, April 28, 2007

the end

a test posted to two very ordinary life that used to stand on common ground
to one is given all the splendour like solomon
to one is taken away everything like job
that gap between the two is too great to be reconciled

two men that thought they know their own heart
will solomon forget the God of his youth?
will job curse God and move on?
to both a test of the soul

the in between

then i see another vision
the two men stumbled into each other in the house of God
a smile on both of the faces without a word spoken
it doesn't matter what had happened over the years
most important the both had past the test of life

this will be my last blog entry. 218 letters. i will go back to my origin. pencil and diary, all by myself. hopefully there i will find everything as it is, the two souls safe and sound.

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid. Confused. Without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us would rather turn around and go back.

But once in awhile people push on to something better-something found just beyond the pain of doing it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.

Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief, and beyond heartache and fear of what lies ahead."
lucas scott from OTH

p/s: in need of inspiring reading materials? watch OTH, inspired most of my writings. for now you can read these quotes. words of life. WARNING: spoiler.

the in between

i want to be that little baby again when i can just cry and mummy will bring me the milk bottle
i don't even need to ask for touch or hug hug and ppl will come for me
when crying is not a wrong, and no one will cane me for spilling the milk
all my worries then is just to smile a little more and everyone will love me

i want to be that little girl again when i can just sleep anywhere and mummy will carry me back to my bed
i don't even need to perform and all i do is play
when i built my dream lego town and fantasize about my prince charming in the barbie world
all my worries then is to make sure i put my toys back into right place

i want to be that school girl again when i just hangout and fall-in-love as many times i want
i don't even need to know how and i know daddy will pay for all my books and stationery
when breaking up is just the beginning of another better relationship and singlehood means 'more fans'
all my worries then is just to make sure i score enough to pass

the in between is where i don't want to be
i don't want to pay for my car loans, bills, meals and expenses
when there seems to be no reason to working
all my worries now i can hardly bear –– doing spiritually well, maintaining the look, getting attach, surviving.

"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home." whitney from OTH

i want to be married and 'stop working', i can bring the milk to the baby, wash the dishes and do the laundry
built my dream home and make my prince charming happy
when i know my man will bring in the bread and worries about the future
all my worries then is just to make sure i am there to ease his day -- a cup of coffee or a massage will do

searching and listening. trying to find the stars in the darkness. can't wait to pass this phase of life and know what i miss about it. oh God give me strength to live another day. sorry it is raining very heavily, past midnight and i am down and moody.

"I know you're searching for things, Lucas. And I hope with all my heart that you find the answers to your questions. But the answers that you're looking for are closer than you think. There are in your heart. And in the hearts of those who love you." karen to lucas OTH

Friday, April 27, 2007

the puppies had grown up

i had not really seen him for the last 12 years. i think we only met up for yam cha once or twice last year. it's his birthday, and he highlighted so i guess a birthday boy shouldn't stay at home. just the two of us.

7 games of pool. i won only 2.

1/2 a glass if he loses a game.

1/4 of a glass if i loses a game.

2 jugs of beers. i drank only 3 glasses.

3 toilet breaks each.

of course most importantly i companied the birthday boy.

the big question
cy: so did your ex gf call?
he: nope, but my friends call.
cy: but how can a girl that celebrated 6 of your birthdays with you not even give you a call?
he: ya, she is attached.
cy: (so? cannot be friend is it? what's the problem with this ppl)

he is my first love. btw, it is not true girls always feel more for their first boyfriend.

"Someone once said: it's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time. Me... I just wanna live a life I'm gonna remember. Even if I don't write it down." brooke davis from OTH.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

hang on to where you want to go

in this fast changing world, we change our jobs, systems and boyfriends like no body business. if you have an organization of your own, you will know that change is good but too much change is not exactly good. change because there is a flaw in the system is necessary but change because there is a minor problem that is giving up. ppl always take a while to adapt to change, thus if it happens too frequently ppl will give up trying to embrace your vision. allow my paraphrase, letting go of a relationship everytime you face an issue will not bring you anywhere. the next thing you know you will face the same problem with the next guy, or the following. i know what i am saying. having say that how do we look at this mundane job of ours and make sense out of it.

job – noun
a piece of work, esp. a specific task done as part of the routine of one's occupation or for an agreed price

how should we choose our job?
- most of us do what we are good at
- some of us do what someone dear to us are good at
- some of us do what we study
- some of us don't choose at all, we just do whatever land on our plate
- some of us do what we like to do

bearing in mind something-we-are-good-at is not necessary something-we-like-to-do and same vice versa. of course it will be heaven when the two kiss each other. this is how i end up where i am.

how do i choose a job?
- what i like to do: wedding and events planner, styling, doing publication
- what i am good at with qualification: publication (design) even though i am beginning to get opportunity to do styling these days
- which company is better depends on your current goals:
the pros and cons
small firm: 'one leg kick' means 'work like a dog' but it allows you to learn the whole process of the industry if your future plan is to run your own business. even not you will definitely have the edge when you work in a bigger company to understand how the job flow. so that you don't sound like an ass when you screw ppl and don't even know what you are talking about. most ppl start their first job here and will stay for only 1-2 years, unless your life objective is to get a bit of extra income and kill some time. those auntie normally works very slow and has the capability to ignore the word 'urgent'.
big firm: some lucky dude will end up here immediately, thus they need to be in the industry for about 5 years to really know the industry. reason being big firm train you to be good in one area, it is ppl you liase with throughout the years that gives you the knowledge of the industry. they normally have a system that works, so all you need to do is master it. perks are normally better. reason for moving to another firm will be: salary, working hours, working environment, politics, better prospects. depends what is your drive.
freelancer: when you want to still enjoy what you like to do without pressure. previous statement more for a person that wants to enjoy life and only survive, sadly i belong to this category with many dying artist––people that suffer for passion. another category are ppl that come to their sense that they do most of the works but are being paid like peanuts, it doesn't take them very long to figure out they can do without the slave driver. this is very much though for those that thinks they had really know their industry.
your own firm: when your clients' jobs exceed your capability. when the money is too much for you spent alone, kidding i mean when bringing in another will help you make more. a very good long term plan to turn the table around and make other ppl bring the money to you.

how do i know i am not cut for my industry at all?
- when you realised you never like what you do
- when you realised you will never get to where you want be if you stay in this industry
- when you realised you cannot do what you are doing your whole life

if any of the above are your answer then better master another industry while you are still young. but if it is because the job is tough and it is stretching you. chin up, press on a little. you will be surprise to know how much more you can do. even though everyday seems like pure mundane that will never come to an end. know that every sweat you drop right now will work for you one day. this phase of life is in the biography of every successful man.

"more than anything, i wanted Bill's Presidency to succeed. I believed in him and his hopes for the nation's future. i also knew i wanted to be a helpful partner for him and an effective advocate for the issues i had cared about throughout my life. i just didn't know how i was going to get there from here." hillary rodham clinton

there might be times we do not know the how but it doesn't matter, stay a while longer the how might appear sooner than you think. just make sure you know where you are heading, if not your how might appear without you realising it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

my bias opinions

i am suppose to come out with a list of good local food in singapore. not that i am a pro in this but i am definitely better than an ABC (american born chinese). i thought i better post this up for comments because i remember i have quite an uncommon preference for food. or at least food that i crave for doesn't seems to excite much ppl. here is the list, pls add.

1. beef noodle, purvis street (can walk from city hall or bugis mrt station)
2. katong laksa, katong (cab)
3. serangoon garden way - chomp chomp hawker ctr* (cab), maxwell road hawker centre* (cab) or if happens to be at marine parade market/hawker (cab), redhill market/hawker (redhill mrt station) or bedok market/hawker (bedok mrt station)
- sugar cane with lemon, hokkien prawn noodle, carrot cake, mee pok (dry fishball noodle), slice fish soup

4. lau pat sat, telok ayer market, shenton way (cab)
- satay by the open area, same food from the market, dessert can try tau suan

5. jalan kayu (cab)
- roti canai, nasi lemak, milo dinosour

6. frog porridge*, geylang lorong 7 (cab)
7. claypot chicken rice*, geylang lorong 33 (cab)
8. International Nasi Lemak, Changi Village (cab)
9. crab*, still road (near eunos road opposite eunos mrt)
10. muthu's curry* or apollo curry fish head* (cab, two of these on race course road near little india mrt station)

1. durian puff, Goodwood Park hotel (orchard mrt)
- only during durian season

2. toast box, vivocity shopping mall (harbour front mrt station)
- peanut butter toast bread

3. takashimaya shopping mall foodcourt, (orchard mrt station)
- takopachi, papa's beard

4. bread talk, at most shopping malls
- famous for their chicken floss bun
5. Big O, wheelock's place (orchard mrt station)
- cakes "nutting compares"

not so local
1. street cheap steak until 3-4am, kaki bukit (cab)
2. marche, suntec (quite a walk from city hall mrt)
3. cafe cartel, raffles shopping centre (city hall mrt)

for more

these are all i can list out. still all these fail to impress my malaysian friends. if you cross the custom to malaysia johor bharu you can get very good beef noodle, pan mee, kuey teow kia and loads more. if not in kl, i can be your tour guide :)

music and night scene
1. chjimes, (city hall mrt)
2. clarke quay, canopy area (clarke quay mrt)
3. balaclava, suntec (quite a walk from city hall mrt station)
- band: thur

4. wala wala, holand village (cab)
- band: wed and sat

5. new asia bar, 70th floor, swisshotel (city hall mrt)
- bad music, bad service, bad lightings, but you can see quite a beautiful lighted up singapore from there.

where to stay
YMCA, (Dobby Ghout mrt station)
- cheap and small, if all you want is a place to sleep

Swisshotel, (city hall mrt station)
- a bit ex but nice spa and beds

*contributed by friends

actually a lot had happen the last few days. it might or not change a little of my life. i finally met up with joan. it was just one hour but somehow she managed to give me a broad overview, a quick rundown of all her ex bfs. she did go through quite a bit the last seven years. when i told her i was attached once after that. her immediate answer was "so it must be quite serious for you huh?" which i quickly clarified, i was single for 4 years before that. still she thought i must had taken quite a while to choose him. whatever.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

surprisingly more gfs than bfs now

- inner circle: mei chen, paik lian

sec 1: st mary
- inner circle: yi li*

sec 2: seafield
- inner circle: steph, jac, anna
- cliques: (mohd, leroy), (shawn, ryan)

sec 4: smsu
- inner circle: celia, shawn
- cliques: (selina, mei yee, kelley, chiau theng), (justin, jason) (chan hui, hon kit)

college: the one academy
- inner circle: joan**
- cliques: (yew wei, shawn, rodney, ryan t), (jon c, chris c, ryan f, lemuel)

- inner circle: shirley, yong howe, ps lawrence, elaine
- cliques: (grace, yan lin, kimmy), (kelley, sharne, jac, hui chuin)

back to kl
- inner circle: greg, keith
cliques: (chris w, sam w, jon n, chris c), (jon c, yuchun, sophia)

- inner circle: steph
- cliques in kl: (jac, anna, sien lee), (yi li*), (daniel t, paul), (justin), (yew wei), (jelly, huay phing, jon n)
- cliques in spore: (elaine, shups, steph, weiling, alvin), (yin huan, ying wai)

inner circle = i tell them most of my things and they do too. we meet and talk like any other day in the week.

cliques = friends i have interaction with more than once in a week. msn and blogs help maintain all the current friendships when i am away.

* yili and i had advanced from the ice breaker stage, how i used to feel a bit unwelcome. now i am pretty glad we both had not give up meeting.

**joan and i saw each other in the most improbable place yesterday. i had been looking for her ever since i came back to kl. we lost each other contacts. apparently she had been looking for me too. so we were hugging each other on the street last night, overjoyed and exchanged our numbers. now we must see if we progress from just being acquainted. as you can see from this list, i had found back all my inner circle friends, except her. so this is priceless.

only one more mia friend, am still looking for my player ex bf. that is the thing with us, we always assume ppl are there and not keep in touch but when you realised there are not there anymore we come out with some weird friendster thing to find them. once we find them again, we just add them in our friends' list as if that do the talking bit till we lose them all over again. i am a sucker at initiating contacts but i always try to meet if you call.

even though i understand that bit that friends change with the season of life we are in, that ppl do come and go i still always find it heartbreaking when i get out of touch with these ppl that i once was so close with. even though the chemistry and intensity of meeting each other might not be there anymore, a secret part of me just want to know at least they are well. i do sit down there once in a while and wonder what they are doing in that room we used to hangout, reminiscing the jokes and things we used to do together. when i hear them doing well, i do feel like writing a note for them and when they are not, i do feel like being there for them. but so often i feel that i no longer has the rights to do so. in moment like this, i do wish that i am an angel, having the liberty to just walk in to their life and watch them without being seen. be by their bed when they cry and pray or at their desk to give them that strength to carry on.

somehow when those friendships blossom again, it is with such gratefulness i cannot begin to explain. i had restore back a lot of friendships recently. they just appear out of no where, i am proud of myself and really thank God for it. still i believe i can do better. then again, how many friends can we cope with, as much as we want to. looking at the recent list, it is pretty obvious my gfs list are getting longer than my bfs list. that is not a norm and i thought that is worthy of a title.

like i had once said, i enjoy making new friends but it is nothing like meeting an old friend, especially those i had journey with.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


when i used to work like a dog, i was desperate for time.
when i was serving in church like no body business, meetings after meetings i thought all i needed was a bit more time.

i thought maybe my devotional will be better if i have more time.
maybe i will be more happy and organise if i have more time.

but now that i have all the time in the world.
i have all the sleep i needed
i met all the friends i needed
i watched all the series i wanted
i don't know what else to do.

my devotional didn't get better
my life is not more organise.
i forgotten why i was fighting for time again.

meaningless, meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

finished my work last night and sent it all to the client so that she can read it this morning.

wait for her in the office till 12 noon, still no sign of her call.

can't get her. call again. can't get her. call again.
wait for her to till 3pm, changes need to be made.

can't get her. call again. can't get her. call again.
wait for her till 5pm, she will come back to me to comfirm.
printed all the pages that i can print first.

can't get her. call again. can't get her. call again.
wait for her till 6pm, colleague said she left already.

can't get her. call again. can't get her. call again.
wait for her till 7pm, all work comfirmed.

i thought finally. press print. printer error.
didn't know i was sharing my colleague printer just now. he just left so there goes my next problem.

tried fixing my setup. doesn't work.
tried installing printer again. doesn't work.
tried searching all over the net. doesn't work.
tried reading the printer manual. doesn't work.
tried looking around the printer to see how else i can connect. doesn't work.
tried using usb. doesn't work.
tried praying. doesn't work.
tried sitting down and think what else i can do. doesn't work.

wait till 9pm, my boss is back from his meeting.
wait for the printer to print till 10.30pm, done.

meaningless, meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

how do you move from a crowd to a candidate

what catches girls attention to what they consider in order:
1. prominent guys

*whether you are famous for the good or bad, i guess that is why rebellious guys, top student, worship leader get the chics. you need to be outstanding to first get the girls attention.
2. good looks, good body or dresses up well
*it is an either or, better still all. so if you don't have the former pls make sure you make up with the latter.
3. knowledgable, street smart and decision maker
*you get extremely attractive when you seems to know everything but watch out, too much of it makes you a poser. just make sure you spill your wisdom accidentally. always have a list of where to go, standing on the street not knowing where to go is bad.
4. a man with a great heart, that talks and shares quality time with you
*girls like man that listens and talks. a great heart that is not necessary perfect but always trying, whether they change or not is a different story. it is too late when they know anyway.
5. rich: security of the future and i guess that it makes easier for you to be sweet
*if you have a car, a house, a great job or a rich dad. i have to say most girls will feel that her future is secure. follow up from the third point, if you are rich i guess it helps to impress her by introducing a lot of first into her life. but remember work out from the top because there are loads of old dying billionaire out there, you ought to have some of those qualities up there to beat them.

what catches guys attention to what they consider in order: (1-3 depends on the circumstances)
1. dresses up well and good posture

*i don't mean sexy but dress up everyday like you are going to meet the person you like. if you dresses up well, you will not go unnotice. often time, i feel that the girls that looks good most of the time can be easily mistaken as pretty. then they will look out for the way you stand, walk and talk.
2. good figure
*as far as i know this is the order: hour glass body shape (assets), firm body or skinny girls. even if you don't have all all that, just make sure you don't have a protruding tummy. that is a no-no (why do you think i am working so hard on my abs).
3. good looks
*we can't do much for this, i guess we can work on the first two if we are not. at least that is not the the only thing they look at.
4. interesting characters
*how you can stand out from all the other pretty girls is your USP. you need to like and hate some things. "anything" is boring. if you do things that most girls doesn't do, you are more interesting. eg: watches soccer, likes chocolates, loves chicken wings...
5. convenience
*end of the day in this lazy generation, you need to be seen and be close enough. if you are just one pretty girl, there are loads out there. you need to happen to be their friends then you will get a chance. so meet more ppl, make more friends.

the order are the sequence of things that run through the mind. for a guy eg: they will miss out pretty face but they never miss out short skirt girls (that is not what i mean by dresses well, the lack of better illustration). and if you don't look good, at least they will say you have boobs. of course it is subjective to individuals. we might drop one or two in between but this list are mainly about how you stand out from a big crowds to be a candidate at all.

"i show no pretense but if a girl wants to put me on a white horse that is up to her" the player from the movie someone like you.

the whole attraction thing is shallow and superficial, but at least you get their attention to exhibit your real qualities. i mean if you have any at all. if not you might just get lucky, that someone chooses to love you as you are. ok i had spilled my beans for your sake, now i need to work a little harder *grin*. don't give me the nonsense that i don't need to be like someone else or God has someone for me. i totally believe this but for goodness sake pls help that person spot you and do yourself a little good by having a few more choices so that you don't jump on the first person that approach you as a sign from God.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

i don't love you, say it right

"Okay, guy in need of a clue. Here's one. Women send signals. That was a brush off. Before you dip into your shallow pool of wit let me paint us a picture and save us both the trouble. Here's your evening. You are going to slink back off to your buddies, laugh this off, get wasted, go home, and make nice with yourself. But don't be thinking of me, because even your fantasy of me, isn't interested in you." brooke davis' opening speech to the guys on the first day before their final year party, OTH. (this is in a DO THIS list because it is general)

guys and girls sent sign. whether they like or not. guys need sign to give them the courage to ask. girls needs sign to give them the courage to love or even think about love. on the down side, guys and girls sent sign if they are not interested as well. some sign are clear and some are overlook. from my obvious list, these* are possible sign there are not interested. but if you seriously doesn't like her but doesn't want to hurt her, read on.

1. don't avoid her

- spare her the agony of thinking she had done something wrong.
2. don't overexaggerate that you are not interested
- taboo: "there are so many prettier girls in this world why will i even like you". you are suppose to let her know you are not interested to start a relationship with her not kill her with insecurity, they had enough of that on their plates. basically you don't need to be a jerk to remove that feelings from her.
3. don't sent her wrong sign
- i don't think it is a problem to go out with her alone on any other day of the year if you are good friends. but don't bring her out on vday and birthday alone.

1. sit her down

- if she haven't tell you she likes you, it will be great for you to voice it out first that you enjoy her friendship but doesn't think that both of you can develope anymore than that. but if she has already let it out. tells her how flattered you are but you doesn't feel the same.
2. tell her what you like about her
- eventhough you don't have a eros feeling for her, i am sure there are something good about her: "i enjoy sharing my heart with you, you are a very good friend but i have feelings for someone else." or make it sounds as if it is your fault that will be better for eg: "you are too pretty, and i am not very comfortable dating a girl like you."
3. be friends, be normal.
- she had took up the courage to tell you the truth and that is not how you respond to the truth. she will be glad to know that she can still be your friends than to lose a lover and a friend on the same day.


you have no right to stop someone from loving you, as much as you have no right to force someone to love you. therefore be flattered to know someone in this world actually thinks you are great. don't break her poor heart for letting you know that.

Monday, April 16, 2007

starbucks experience

sitting down there surrrounded by a bunch of guys 5-10 years younger than me. brain washing them that starbucks is better than coffeee bean, recommending java chip that replaces one of my favourite, rhumba frappucino... and taking orders whipped cream or without? grande or venti? as if i work there :)

then indulge in my favourite topic excitedly since i have new brains and a new experiment group. fun fun...
what are the kind of girls you like: fair? tanned?
to me fair girls look very fragile but i guess guys like that probably because they feel more man because a girl need their protection. i like tanned girls, they look more outgoing and independent."
so will you tell your leader if you like any girl?
"(not that i am saying you have to) but if you tell your leader when you like a girl that is because you are accountable to him. but if you tell him only after you know she likes you, you are just informing him."
so why will you not tell a girl you like her until you know she feels the same?
"do you know most of the church girls nowadays have this mentality "i am not going to think about it" until you tell me you like me. so you won't get a hint and she will never know. isn't it? maybe that explains why there are not much relationship happening in churches today."
don't you think a girl notices you more after she lets you know she likes you? so why wouldn't you do the same?
"ok i understand that some friendship might be spoilt if it is not fully developed, but then telling her you like her is probably not even true then. assuming you are really friends, i think a mature person ought to respond nicely ("i like you, but i am not ready yet", "i don't like you, but i enjoy your friendship". if she is not mature enough to answer that, she is not ready for a relationship. unless it is you who doesn't want a friendship, i mean if it is true "i don't want to be just friends". i mean if it is that shallow to guys, there is no such things as "friends" between guys and girls... that is too bad.)"

they opened up and it was fun. like i said i always like talking to boys. they spilled quite a bit of things, claimed i hit the bull's-eye and concluded yinhuan, their cell leader brief me before this and hired me to dig out their worms. shhh... individual reports on the way huan.

end the night on the 70th floor of swisshotel, new asia bar. surrounded by big wide glasses, standing on top of a lighted up singapore reminded me of the feeling of standing in casa suite. it is beautiful. yup it is beautiful though my baileys were diluted and service was horrible. i am not an alcoholic* but the night was still young so we went for second round at chijmes.

reminiscing the good old days. somehow my heart is very soft in this beloved land of mine. memories will somehow mushroom up. not that all the experiences are here, but i guess this is why it is call home.

*my answer is no to all the questions except that i do drink alone now when i watch dvds at night. give me a break, i need some company when i watch One Tree Hill.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

the not so obvious list

de·ni·al [di-nahy-uhl] –noun
Psychology. an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable.

for whatever reason you find yourself not wanting to accept this fact. you try to deny it. your actions betray you and the thoughts keep coming back. an additional to this list.

the not so obvious list you are in love
1. the only phone number you remember from the back of your mind is hers. but you try to think of other alternative so that you don't need to let her know.
*how you remember someone phone numbers in this generation when all you do is press click on the name to call is when you had been looking at these numbers for too long but don't have the courage to call. or simply that, you call her too often so those numbers keep appearing on your screen.
2. you check her blog first thing in the morning after you wake up, when you reach the office, before you go for lunch, after you come back from lunch, during tea break, before you leave your office, first thing when you get home and one more time before you go to sleep.
*you check someone blog once a day if you are a reader. you check someone blog 3 times a day if you like to read what they write. but when you check that many times, you are dying to know about this person.
3. you blog more often or not for her to read. but you don't want it obvious, so you use all the he, she and women to keep it general.
*you want the person you care to know how you are doing.
4. when you care, you try not to show you care. so instead of asking her, you wait anxiously for her to tell you.
*you will just call if it just another friend. there is nothing much to hide or think about.
5. when your friends told you something is going on between the two of you. you shun it away and say "never". then you try to avoid her. but you know every night you are thinking about it.
*you only avoid a person #1 when she likes you and you don't feel that at all or #2 you like a person but you don't want to feel that at all. if it is #1 you will have no part from no.1-4 above.


my question "why not?". if you can answer this question and make sense out of it then so be it but if you can't stop denying, drop that ego and face it. maybe, you are in love.

Sometimes people play hard to get to know that the other person's feelings are real.Brooke Davis to Haley from OTH

or sometimes they don't want to believe it is that person because you find no reason to love this person. but hey that is love. you don't need a reason to love.

Friday, April 13, 2007

who will be your groom?

with the movie, the wedding planner as the background story. who would you marry?
A. someone that loves you and promise to love you the rest of your life.
"Mary, I know I never done the right thing, say the right thing. I know I act like a fool. I know say we'd be buddy-buddy friends, but that would not be true to my heart so I'll ask this one question, and if you answer "no" I'll leave you alone once and for all. Be my wife, Mary Fiore. If you answer yes I'll take care of you, be true to you, and like this house I built for your dolls, I'll make sure you have a strong roof over your head. If you answer yes than no one will love you as much as I love you. If you answer yes than you will make me the happiest man on earth." massimo to mary

B. someone that you grow up with.
steve: do you want to marry me?
fran: no! you are not going to walk out on me on my wedding day. we dated since high school. what do you mean if i want to marry you now?
steve: do you still love me? do you want to spent the rest of your life with me?

C. someone that you are arranged to married.
"your mother and i had an arranged wedding. first we couldn't look into each other eyes. once i got very sick and she took care of me. that day i really appreciate her. and that appreciation grew to respect and respect to love." dad to mary

D. someone that you have this fuzzy feelings about that you can't even begin to justify. bear in mind he is not exactly the most honest guy in this world.
"I barely know you. I don't know your dad's first name, I don't know if you ever wore braces, or contacts, or glasses and I have no idea how you came to be a wedding planner, Mary. But I do know the curves of your face. And I know every fleck of gold in your eyes. I know that the night at the park was the best time I've ever had." steve to mary

knowing me that can't live with pretence, i will not be able to say "i do" to B. i used to prefer A but had grew to want D*. rather tired recently with this whole motion about getting attach again so maybe C will be the best choice :)

*look at how much damage movies can do to you, they make you believe that somewhere in this whole wide world you just might find someone that has a heart that beats for you the way you feel for him.

Thursday, April 12, 2007


he: you are smart and beautiful, how can you be so insecure about yourself?
she: next time when your daughter grow up, you can ask her that question.

from the movie laws of attraction

is it true that insecurity flow in the blood of every woman? it doesn't matter if they have the best figures in the world, soaring in their career, having the most loyal husband or all the money in the world. yes, i remembered.

maybe it is not a weakness, maybe we will never grow out of it. maybe we are born to be pursued and protected. always in the arms of someone that reminds us "you are beautiful" and "i'm here, you are safe". call it the abracadabra or the potion to keep your beauty alive for just another day.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

why i want a son instead of daughter?

1. i always feel more for my boys than girls in the cells i used to lead. somehow or not their progress in life excites me a little. up to date yumeng still talks to me on msn and ivan still calls me out. not the girls, maybe that explains why.
2. not to mention the list of things i need to be fearful of when it comes to a girl, but if it is a boy i won't mind he falls, makes mistake and fail.
3. i like toddlers in general but i can imagine how much more fun it will be to dress up a cool cute looking boy. i definitely like to see that image of my hubby playing cars, ball and gun with the boy. a boy that sees his dad as a hero. that to me is an image of a happy family.

i mean that is if i am given a choice because i only want one kid. but i am sure any child of my own is just superb.

that having said, i love sara too

finger sticking in, sara's trademark

go for the camera
tongue sticking out, samuel's trademark

this photo is priceless, i told you it is hard to get both of them to smile at the same time

he got 5 teeth now, he makes noise when you are slow to feed him the next spoon. he crawls extremely fast if the object of his target is food

but just a confession, i like samuel a bit more :)

if you know how much i nap a day. you will be startled by the amount of time i sleep a day. with so many of such uneventful day, i myself find it rather amusing as well that i had still not run out of things to blog. i really have quite a train of thoughts or it is true a woman really need to verbalise a certain quota of words a day. blogging hd shown me i had quite recover from the fear of speaking and being mistaken, also i had probably rise above the fear of writing though im still not not that great in it.

maybe i am just bored but i am pretty sure as well i am entertaining quite a bit of ppl that click on my blog 3-7 times a day. i definitely never fail you because i've tried to make sure there is something new everytime you click. sometimes i do wonder who is more bored, you or me haha.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

bad boys vs good boys

PLAN A: 3 things i thought i can do to make him stay
1.commit suicide or at least pretend to do so
- then i remembered how he said "it is one of the most stupid thing i'd ever done, the cleaning up process in the hospital was painful."

2. get drunk and throw myself at him. make out to make up (girls hate this line btw, but sadly guys think that it works).
- then i thought if he gets up next morning sober and tell me that was a mistake, i'll be so dead. "i lost my virginity and my gf on the same day, that's sucks" mouth from OTH.

3. let other guys take advantage of me, hopefully he will be the hero that pull me aside. then i can use the famous line "since you don't care about me, why bother?" and have him answer "i care"... happy ending
- then i thought if he doesn't come thru, i will look like another slut out there

don't ask me how i even consider this a solution. you think of loads of things when you are desperate. furthermore the 1-3 up there works for many of my friends. WARNING: plan A only works in the first week of the break up when he still feels for you. even though i did a whole loads of foolish things. i think the 3 things up there hit the top ranking stupidity. i didn't want to force him to stay even though there is a theory that sympathy can be develope to love again. anyway, since i didn't take this route i ought to be taking plan B.

PLAN B: 3 things i can do to make him regret
1. don't talk to him ever to prove to him i don't need him at all
2. up my social life and tell him i'm so much happier without him
3. find a good looking guy and prove i'm better off without him and he is the one losing out.

i never took plan B either. i called, i cried, i drove guys away. i don't know what i was thinking. i guess i didn't take that route either because i don't need to prove a point, to me that is pure ego. i just wanted to say all i want to and not live with the regret i had things unsaid. all right, i have great imaginations. bear with me for a while, most of us took one of this route: plan A or plan B subconsciously everytime we broke off. i am writing it down for you in case you need a plan when you break up.

that covers the 3 type of ppl in this world:
1. the good boys
- they rarely hang out and are waiting for that one girl to come along
2. the wannabe bad boys
- they just want to look cool. they mix with the players, but they are actually looking for long term relationship
3. the bad boys
- they are looking for short term relationship, not wanting to commit. any girls will do

so most of the plan B ppl end up to be in category 2-3 on top. most of us that had a whole sets of values rarely end up at 3, unless too deeply hurt. i consider myself as category 2, the wannabe. it is good for a guy to be in this category because girls like bad boys and when she finds out that you want a long term relationship, she loves you all the more. but it is a horrid for a girl to be in this category because the good boys think that i'm not good enough for them and the bad boys think that i'm not pretty enough for them. sigh.

why do bad boys get the girls?
1. they go for the girls
2. this is the worst they can get, so at least they are real and we think we already know the full them
3. it is about the sample size. eg: they go for 10 girls. chances of getting hook is definitely higher than the guy going for 1 (evangelism theory)

this is the maths yin huan and i came out with
christian girls = a
non christians girls = b

bad boys go for a and b : good boys go for a
10 : 1
100% : 10%

bad boys go for x amount of girls at one go : good boys go for y amount of girls at one go
50 : 1
100% : 2%

bad boys' chances : good christian boys' chances
100% of 100% : 10% of 2%
100/100 x 100/100 : 10/100 X 2/100
1000/1000 : 2/1000
1000 : 0.002

so what are your chances good boys? no wonder the good boys can say "God brought us together when they get attach", it is indeed quite a miracle.

Monday, April 09, 2007

new hair cut

i had no money to perm my hair so i went to cut off my fringe instead. good money for a new look. i don't need to look good, just hopefully not bad.

diff poses
hopefully my poses help a little

with some cute effects, does it helps

fan effects
with some fan effects, does it helps

sis effects
with some sister effects, does it helps

i get very extreme opinions.
A. "gosh, you think you don't look ugly enough is it?" my bro
B. "you look like someone new" my mum (even my mum cannot recognise me, so cute)

do let me know where you stand A or B? nevermind, hair grows. but at least i know never to do it again.

ohh also i got a whole group of ppl that didn't notice at all. btw i never had fringe since 12 years old or was it 8. so this is one of the must courageous thing i did to my hair. seeing half of singapore girls cut that, i thought i can act a bit singaporean. bottom line, i am ok with it.

Friday, April 06, 2007

how could i live without you

had a deep conversation recently with another fellow ragamuffin like me. as much as i enjoyed the courage we had, i was at the same time so disgusted by our atrocious, monstrousness behavior. i was just picturing if we are all celebrities, knowing that there is nothing the paparazzi cannot dig out. i am not sure if all of us can still lift up our heads to face the world with all our hideousness flashing all over the headlines daily. but then again, we are so fallen we might be blinded by the glamour of sins. we are really a bunch of wasted ppl. if i being sinful felt turned off, i can so imagine the one who knows no sin.

From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabackthani?" –- which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" matthew 27.46

if there is anything i ought to remember this great morning, this will be it. this is not a guilt trip to amplify our sins to remember the greatness of this day. but a deep undeserving cry of gratitude He took my place. as if that is not good enough in exchange i am given this promise "i will never leave you nor forsake you". suddenly the weight of this verse becomes so much more meaningful.

surely nothing, i mean nothing... not even sin "nothing else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord". now i remember why we partake of the bread and wine.

i love both of these songs a lot. to me, these two songs have very similar tune. maybe it is just me. i always think of one whenever i hear the other and vise versa. while one remind me of how my world fall apart without him, the other remind me of how my world hold together again because of Him.

how do i live by LeAnn Rimes
How do i
Get through one night without you
If i had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?
Oh i, i need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world my heart my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything good in my life

And tell me now
How do i live without you
I want to know
How do i breathe without you
If you ever go
How do i ever, ever survive?
How do i, how do i
Oh how do i live?...

Without you
There'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There would be no world left for me
And i, baby i don't know what i would do
I'd be lost if i lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life

If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby cuz you know you're everything good in my life

how could i live without You from the Unspeakable Joy album
How could i live without You
How would i survive
Without Your love
Without Your touch
You're the one that heals me
That cleanses my heart
And sets me free

Now i come right before You
With my hands lifted up
And my heart humbly bowed
At Your work on the cross
As You hung there and died
You were paying the price
For my life, for my life

For Your love
Is higher than the heavens
Deeper than the sea
All i want is You in my life
No one else can satisfy my soul
Can make me feel this way
Only You Lord, only You

today we celebrate that world that holds together. the reason to live, the strength to carry on.

Thursday, April 05, 2007


maybe i will be more excited if tomorrow:
1. i can be holding the hand of the one that gives me that fuzzy feeling again
2. i can be preparing my small ideal wedding
3. i can walk down the aisle and say i do
4. i can have my very first ahem...
5. i can wake up and rub my skin against this special one
6. i can colour the paint of my new house, moving the furniture around in a place i call my own
7. i can carry a little boy of my own flesh and blood
8. i can be in a cold little cottage up the hill in the arms of the love my life in front of the fireplace
9. i can be at the funeral of my own and see the faces of all those i love and reminiscing the moments we shared
10. i can see the Lord face to face

"Happiness comes in many forms -- in the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dream come true, or in the promise of hope renewed. It's okay to let yourself be happy because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be." lucas scott from OTH

a song in my head

if i wake up in the middle of the night to put up this post, what does that tell you?


all saints, never ever (lyrics)

"Katherine Anne Porter once said: There seems to be a kind of order in the universe... in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, and his own." lucas scott from OTH.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

i knew it, they will not stay for long

“At this moment there are six billion, six hundred seventy million, eight hundred eighteen thousand, six hundred seventy one people in the world. Some are running, some are coming home, some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the thruth, some are evil at war with good, and some are good strunggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one.” peyton sawyer

i know writing – blog, letters, emails, smses, msn - are not good mediums to use especially trying convey feelings or explanations. it always comes out wrong. more so for people that read into every word and hold it against you in the arguement later more than using that as a guide of helping them understand how you feel. not that i am not one of those ppl therefore i am also now trying to be more graceful with other people writings.

there are many new friendship that had come and go in this season of my life:
1. some were giving me the company i needed (fear i feel too lonely – call that sympathy)
2. some came to 'help' and see if their one or two words turn up to be words from heaven and lift me up from this season (call that heroic mentality)
3. and finally some were just friends, they like my company and they do share their thoughts as it goes along

it is weird every time i ask someone this: why are you not the same like when i first know you? the two faced him became like my problem, an expectation of what i want him to be as if i imagine or visualise the another him which was never him at all. the very fact i asked was because i noticed. the very fact i clarified was because i wanted to know which is the real him. eventhough if you truly ask me which i prefer i will be very please to give you my opinion but that by no means who you need to be.

similarly i know there are great potentials you see in me and i know what i am capable to do. if God is willing and if i wanted to just give me 3 months and i can climb back the rat race in church, serve a dozen ppl and do 1001 things. but this is not what i am compelled to do now. i just want to be friends and love those around me, let's not even talk about those i do not know their names. i admit i am being difficult now especially to church leaders that i do not have relationship with. "join this, join that; do this, do that". i dare say i demand nothing from my friends. i never expect someone to fetch me, pay for my bills, or owe me a present in that sense. in fact i had been so independent fearing i become a burden to someone i need to unlearn it to be a bit more dependent on my bf - then again it doesn't work out very well so maybe it is still best to not. i dare not say i got no expectations from bf though. he ought to treat me more than just a friend, right? but i never believe that anyone owe it to me to serve me. i just need friends that are comfortable with me and consider me fun to be with.

if some of you are still sympthasizing me... no worries i am not sorry about my life. maybe there is nothing to fight for now but at least i have the courage to live each day with sparks that some of my friends offer, crushes, new jobs and new places. all i need is to make myself want to live for one more day and if i have the extra joy hopefully it will overflow to make someone day as well.

i had grown to understand that all relationships cannot be forced. i mean there are loads of ppl i wish i can be as close to them as i used to. but if it seems like meeting me is a chore and burden then pls don't. i am sincere when i say this... i hate to be a burden. i have a lot on my plates now to make myself happy, i do not have so much to care about your feelings and i am sorry for that. if you do not contact me anymore, it is ok... i really do not expect that. like i say many had come and go. (hey, isn't that peyton's line)

this entry is going to sound like another threatening entry. just remember for one i am not those ppl that blog because i want to scold someone indirectly because i know he reads... never. everytime i write i just want to be known and understood. that you will not have a shadow of doubt over my intention. i learned even though in our eyes we believe great potentials in those we love, know that it is not in our hands to do anything about it. all we do is like faith and hope... we wait patiently with this person. believe it or not it can be felt.

happy happy
© All rights reserved. photograph by anna.
the pursuit of happiness

actually my title is for this.

3 total turn off for a guy:
1. move around a lot so that they do not know whether you are in spore or msia. you just need to break the momentum.
2. tell them about other guys you go out with. better still, bring them out on a double date -- bring two of your dates out at the same time. "Here’s my philosophy on dating. It’s important to have somebody that can make you laugh. Somebody you can trust. Somebody that, you know, turns you on. And it’s really, really important that these three people don’t know each other." brooke davis from OTH.
3. tell them a lot about your ex.

this is the different between crush and love. crushes, they don't stay for long. matter of fact i know these rules, so i am not sure if i did that all on purpose or what. i am not looking for crushes, i am looking for a guy that stays :)

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

i want to know 'me'

i like to ask ppl what do you like and not like about me? more interested with the later because i want to know how other ppl view me. but of course i prefer it when it comes from ppl that i trust and i feel care enough to correct me. i don't take it very well when it comes from stranger pointing a finger on me when they only see half the picture. anyway i am so bored i actually visit this site after reading shups and steph results.

Archetype Test Results
The Catapult (ISTP)
Handy in the real world manipulation of objects and events, this personality type is easily enthused by practical projects. Once gaining the interest of the Catapult, a project will be quickly and sometimes maniacally dealt with. That energy however will be invisible to those not witness to it. Abrupt is a watchword of this personality. (you mean the abrupt departure?)

Spontaneity is important to the Catapult because it never quite knows when inspiration will hit. Because of this, it often ignores or conveniently forgets rules and boundaries that limit its freedom. This need for freedom extends even to the personal sphere and though this personality is kind and gentle, it will often be hard to pin down to a monogamous lifestyle. When discussing their need for freedom, the Catapult will most often resort to non-verbal means to express itself.

Because they tend to verbalize so seldom, Catapult personalities can be seen as phlegmatic or impassive. In moments of high tension they can often surprise those around them with a lighthearted or humorous remark. Many engineers are found among this personality type, as well as mechanics and paramedics.

Because of their facility with the physical world, this personality is often found among sports that require dexterity, such as motorcycling or hang gliding. Inveterate realists, Catapults will rarely have time for flights of fancy or unproductive discussion.

Constraints on the freedom of a Catapult personality will be regarded as a personal attack, since the use of their problem solving abilities during the thrill of the moment is of prime importance to them. They are problem solvers in their personal and public lives.

Because they are constantly re-evaluating their surroundings, this personality type will rarely accept any one rule of thumb or explanation for a given situation. Every belief is provisional, depending on the nature of the world around them.

Strong emotional situations can be confusing to the Catapult personality and this is the one moment when they will tend to take a pause to understand and ruminate. Feeling strong emotions can be confusing and will tend to throw this personality out of alignment. In a romantic relationship, this personality will try to solve problems as a way to show caring. This is usually not the best way to show caring. (i am so dead, yes relationship is not something to be solved chaiyen... stop bringing up issues. then you will realised there are not much of a problem. sigh)

Although they can be intense in their desire for freedom the Catapult can often find solace in the routine of living with another person. This is the one area of life in which they can find comfort in the familiar. Talking about feelings is not a high priority and can initiate the 'trapped' feeling that will result in a major relationship disturbance.

If you are a Catapult personality you might want to spend some time looking at the big picture. Try to think about the long-term goals of your life and not the excitement of the moment.
(opps!) You also should make an effort to see other points of view, even if you think they are unproductive. You need to understand that there are many ways to accomplish the same goal, and while your methods are best for you they may not be best for everyone. (i heard the last line before and i was so hurt by it. I NEVER SAY MY WAY IS THE ONLY WAY, JUST THAT YOU NEVER RAISE UP YOUR VIEWS... sob sob always get screwed for this. ok i need to learn to say "what do you think? *smile and wait patiently*")

Often Catapult personalities can forget to give praise where it is due. You might try to remember to compliment your friends and neighbors from time to time. Relationships should never take a back seat to your hobbies or short-term goals. And remember to voice your feelings, even if you think that others should be aware of them. Often other people place a very high value on the spoken word, and a few kind words from you will make all the difference.

i was so bored yesterday but i couldn't sleep. i toss and turn on bed for so long, there are so many blog entries i came out with on my mind. very interesting indeed. look out for:
1. how could i live without you
2. click - i want a fast forward to:
3. surprisingly more gfs than bfs now
4. i knew it, they will not stay for long
5. why i want a son instead of daughter?

one more. i just got a job from FHM. meaning i will be seeing chun girls hahaha. this is gonna be so fun. and when i told one of my girlfriend, she asked "are you serious you are not into girls?" i am... hahaha i am so into them.

sorry is not about who is wrong

i used to hate guys that say sorry unsincerely. i mean to say sorry just for the sake of making the night easier to get by. i was talking on msn with someone.

he: hey do you think i am egoistic
cy: not really, why do you say that?
he: cause she said i always start a problem and blame it on her
cy: oh that is not really call egoistic. i have to say i think you are a bit cold though. a bit explosive
he: yeah... suddenly just explode and not talk to me
cy: i mean you... try to be a bit more gentle while talking to girls. don't always shut them off when they are talking halfway. so what are you going to do?
he: i dunno. maybe i'll just let it be. we both need some time to cool down. anyway she said she doesn't want to talk to me anymore
cy: if you still want that friendship, just apologise. fact that you are asking me, you do know you are not really right. girls don't like a sorry that comes after 3 days
he: if i say sorry, she will think that she is right and she is going to do it again
cy: up to you. if being right is so important to you

when i said the last line. i suddenly realised how profound i am. i do like to talk to ppl a lot, because at many times i really feel like i am telling myself things i need to hear. quickly i went to and typed out the word sorry.

sor·ry [sor-ee, sawr-ee] –adjective
1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.
2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic: a sorry situation; to come to a sorry end.
3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad: Was she sorry when her brother died?
4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.
5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful: a sorry horse.
6. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology or expression of regret): Sorry, you're misinformed. Did I bump you? Sorry.

i just realised then that when you say sorry it doesn't really mean you are wrong. it means that you are the one that is more sad and sorrowful the friendship/relationship is in such a stage. i guess it only tells who treasure the relationship more. therefore i always question those guys who wait a few days to say sorry. what are they thinking?

Monday, April 02, 2007

capturing beauty from a lense

a list of places i feel like going:






the photographer said "chaiyen likes beauty, she takes photos of everything she sees". indeed, i think i am easily fascinated. i want to see the world. well what will i be doing if i have loads of money. "not work" and roam around this world. sigh let me go back to work now. work hard, work hard chaiyen.

i am sorry if you allow me to say that

i like to blame ppl when things don't turn up right and i hate that about myself a lot. if there is one eg from the bible it will be the adam and eve story.

"have you eaten from the tree of which i commanded you that you should not eat?" then the man said, "the woman whom you gave me to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and i ate." and the Lord said to the woman, "what is this you have done?" the woman said, "the serpent deceived me, and i ate." (genesis 3)

everyone has someone to blame, i somehow like to find a way to point out that i am not part of the problem. it doesn't even take effort. somehow it is like an automatic respond to defend myself. i think it takes effort and humility instead to add 'this-is-what-happen' and i am not blaming the person because they didn't know. to put myself in the shoe of others and remember that other ppl have no intention to harm me. from this recent neck injuiry i realised something about me, i began to take responsibility of the mistakes i made. i wan't ashamed to admit my mistakes, i only hope this will continue. i mean really hope. i understand when i give excuse for someone i love because i want to protect him but these incidents involved some ppl that were mere strangers to me. therefore i am really proud of myself.

the series of events as eg:

i admit that my injuiry was caused by my wrong posture though my instructor repeatedly remind the class not to use the neck. it just slipped my mind that day.

someone also told me that i need to sleep on a proper pillow and i did without questioning further what is "proper". i admit it was my fault when it got worst and painful the next day because my pillow was too thick. what was common sense to him was not so common to blur ppl like me.

then another told me i need to go to see the doctor if i want to recover. of course she didn't warned me that that it will get worst before it gets better causing a terrible pain over the few days of work. there is really no one to blame, that pain is a process of healing.

it was miraculously healed after my shanghai trip, lo and behold i went for facial on friday. the girl did a bit of massage on my shoulder which was common but suddenly she caught me offguard when she reached for my neck. and yes i think i injuired myself again. not her fault, i never tell her not to touch my neck.

i had made a lot of mistakes in my life, some which i hope i have a chance to apologise and be forgiven. forgiven means really forgiven not forgotten as a person in their life. most importantly i just wish ppl will understand as well i had never had intention to harm, i just made my share of mistakes. but this i guess takes ppl that know and trust me to recognise.

sometimes you wish all you have of the past are only good memories
and all you will have of the future are sweeter times
then you will have the courage to be yourself and love freely now

in need of a world that will not be too hard on you and themselves