Tuesday, November 21, 2006

this is a long but useful lesson

i had learn a lot about guys from x, a particular guy friend of mine because he had been really honest to me. i think the fact that both of us can be so open to each other is because we might never meet again and we don't like each other. i still like that a lot because he showed me the side of guys that i was always guessing but never knew. be it fair or not for him to represent all guys but i am glad i had the opportunity to know a little more about this species and to show him the heart of a woman. great exchange.

main lesson
(#1) a guy is able to like a few girls at the same time. he still loves you but he likes someone else in between, he had not forgotten about you though. deep stuff, really deep stuff.
(#2) a guy can move on without solving the issues.
(#3) a guy can't be friends with you because he can't be 'just friends' with you.
(#4) a guys can be quite girl sometimes :)
(#5) a guy will find a way to make sure you suffer for what you make them go through.

case study
i don't remember when was the last time we chat on msn but this round we are talking about a different girl in his life all together. (#1) not the same girl that he was thinking about the last time i chatted with him. we are talking about his ex 2 years ago that just broke off with her current bf.

how they broke off previously
her mum and friends thought that they are not very suitable for each other. which i remembered he said "what can you do if they are to value certain ppl in their lives. their comments pretty much carry a lot of weight."

current situation
her ex's sister called him and i guess she gave too much information.

ex's sis: can i ask you something? do you still have feelings for her?
x: ...
ex's sis: i mean i totally understand if you can't tell me... but it's just that she misses your friendship a lot. she really wants to talk to you at times even while they were together but she knew you were still not ok with it or didn't wanted to talk to her so she avoids it but it kills her that we talk to you all that time and she has to sit on the sidelines.
x: (#2) i don't know because i just moved on without addressing the past hurts. i just swept it under the carpet and left. yea of course it still hurts to think about what happened but then again, it's so much the past i don't care anymore.
ex's sis: do you think you guys will ever talk again?
x: i don't know... 'when it happens, it will happen' (favourite phrase). but i don't think i'm at the position to initiate any conversation

1 month later he sent out a mass email and she was in the list. she replied to it and now he is contemplating whether to reply or not.

problem solving
cy: so the question now, do you still like her?
x: i don't want to be just friends!!!!! not now!!!
cy: but honestly... ppl say you won't be hurt by someone unless she means a lot to you
x: i really don't know. i think the hurt and distrust is still very much real. i don't think at this point i'm ready to face her as a "friend" only
cy: wait... why you keep mentioning cannot be just friends? i mean if you don't have feelings for her already then of course there will be nothing wrong to be friends right. yet if you like her don't you want to be friends again first, don't you want to see her and know about her.
x: (#3) i know it sounds selfish but it's like. unless she wants to pursue something and sees that there's a future or even just give it a try again. i really don't want to go there. perhaps i still very much love and care about her
cy: you don't want to see her again unless it is to work out towards coming together again? because you still love her and if it means to see her again, it will dig out the old well and it will be painful to see her and not have her
x: yes exactly! and if she's just like "um...i just want to be friends now" well that's too bad because i can't be "just friends" anymore
cy: but the fact that she misses your friendship is because she misses you. i mean i am sure there are many friends she had not talk to. why don't she bother to miss their friendship. anyway if she says she wants to try it out again. ru ready for that? will you be able to accept her again
x: (#4) hmm... i don't know. it depends on how much she's willing to go for it. meaning, i need tangible actions and words to bring me back to the trust part
cy: don't tell me you are not going to lift a finger to it? you are a guy.
x: too bad a guy can only do so much. don't forget... she broke it off!!!! there comes a time when girls have to pick up the burden too
cy: so you are going to sit here, wait for her to call you. you are going to say 'no, i don't want to go out'. so she will think that you hate her
x: i will give it a chance to just talk but if it doesn't address anything more than "hi how have you been". that's it.
cy: you won't see her again. you expect her to say that the first time you guys meet again. i mean both of you had change pretty a lot. ru not scared you won't like who she is now?
x: she won't call
cy: just meet her. i mean why should two person that likes each other let ego separate both of you?
x: yen, you are probably the only one that wants me to give her a chance and maybe her sister. the rest of the other friends... keep reminding me "don't forget what she did to you and you need to guard your heart first."
cy: yup i understand that of being hurt again. honestly i really dunno how she feels but i can only judge from your heart. you like her. and honestly love is not a game about who wins or who loses. who made the last mistake and who should fix it. i only know it is really hard to find a person that you really love. i can only say if a girl left you for another guy and you still have feelings for her after 2 years. man, that is love. "grace" that you will only give to a girl that you really love.
x: i'm just tired of giving love to someone who is not sure about giving back or even appreciates it. talk about unconditional love. are you on her side or my side? how much did she pay you? haha.
cy: i am tryin to tell you how she feels. and what she is thinking. don't guy just want to know but won't dare to ask that girl.
x: well i just don't want to reply her message and answer her questions. and then what? do i initiate more conversation? i just honestly don't want to initiate anything because my faith is weak. if you were to break up with someone... and the person have tried a million times to be the initiator and it starts suffocating you... and when the person gets the message do you still expect him to start initiating again 2 years later??? (cy: no. i understand what you mean)
cy: if you had initiated so many times i am sure she knows you love her. but maybe she needs a sign now if you still likes her. so just leave an open door for her and reply her, if not she might think that you are not interested anymore.
x: ok i will reply her tomorrow. well, wait because i have been waiting for a long time.
cy: cruel
x: (#5) this is nothing compare to what i had to go through! at least that would send the message that i'm not desperate!
cy: ego!

golden lesson
i remember the last time i talked to him, he said 'it is over' between them. well because she is attached then. i mean if it is really over why are we discussing this. i guess i understand now, it wasn't over when they say it is over. it just meant... i don't want to think or talk about it now.

what i learned from greek philosophy, this is call active learning, asking questions to check the real condition of your heart or what you really believe. i didn't tell him they will be together again. i didn't tell him she still loves him, i merely showed him he still loves her and i think that is important. these are more questions you can ask yourself if you are in the same phase with him. as for me myself, i never claim that i know him too but as i talk to him i got to know him.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh Wow. No words to say.

:) Smile