Sunday, November 05, 2006

a fine line between love and used-to-love him

when i was 19 i had a very special feeling for a friend. we dropped very obvious hints for each other - very drama birthday presents, post-it notes that we passed to each other everytime we meet and are too busy to talk to each other. the guessing game went as long as it can, one day i was sure that he likes me and the next day i feel that maybe he was just treating me as a friend.

then the time came that he needed to go oversea to study. he left me with a cassette tape, on the cover it is written: 'only hear this when i am on the plane'. it was pretty hard to hold on the cassette but not play it. nevertheless, i did wait. the content was very sweet, those that can make me cry but still he didn't tell me how he feels for me. i thought maybe he thinks that it is really selfish to tell me he likes me eventhough we can't start a relationship.

life goes on for both of us, we were very bad at keeping in touch, at average we had send each other 2 to 3 emails or snail mail a year. when i was 23, we met once when he came back for holiday. that was a very important day because i really want to know if i still feel the same for him or i was just still in love with the old him. at the end of the meal, it was a good time of catching up but i can see that he is no longer the same guy i used to like. still the time was short to tell anything. so i just left it as it is.

i think that meeting up did released me because at 24, i finally have this very special feeling again. of course history repeats itself, the guessing and waiting. i never think much of him anymore until he send me an email a month before he comes back. "i read the letter you gave me the day i left and am very encourage by it." i started to think again maybe he does still have feelings for me, i mean why bother to pick up a letter i gave you ages before. anyway he came back, we spend some time together and i know that i really don't feel the same for him anymore. more than that, i found out that he is attached. something he didn't tell me in any of the email. i do wonder why though? is it because he wants to keep me as a backup plan or he just didn't have the chance to tell me. anyway that is a close file case, i can peacefully enter my next relationship*.

yes, ppl often say that time will remove those feelings. but i am really capable of liking someone for very long. i guess that is why not meeting up with a person is quite dangerous. it is pretty hard to differentiate if you still love a person or you are loving the him that is in the past. but then again that might be what he wanted. ok maybe not, i don't think he is that cruel but i mean why not right? it is always nice to have someone like you. yes, he never asks me to wait so it is not his fault. in fact i should thank him, if not my record of bfs would probably have hit 2 hands by now. but i think the sad thing is, we never really share to each other anymore. is it true that a guy and a girl cannot be best friends?

also, i don't understand why guys keep their feelings to themselves. i mean why is it that he alone make the decisions for both of us?

* he is not my second choice. in fact, i felt more comfortable with him more than ever. i just want to be sure with my feelings before i make any decision because honestly if i still like the first guy. i would have continue waiting, man what's with me?


Sam said...

Thanks for sharing.

Too many reasons why guys dont share how they feel.

It really depends.


deJelly said...

yup yup..

too many...

from if you know someone will die..

to.. i just didn't had the time..

hehehe.. = P