Tuesday, January 08, 2008

losing my religions

i have changed. i know i have. for better or worse? ppl have yet to tell me.

i stopped making plans.
FINN: "Liz... Liz was my wife. When she died... you do this thing where you stop making plans. Because you had plans but then there was a car crash and your plans disappeared so you just... I just try to get from sunup to sundown. That’s as far into the future as I can handle." grey's

im confused.
GEORGE: [to Chief Richard. which is totally irrelevant... not even answering his questions. sign of a confused kid] "Aren't you gonna say anything or ... I'm not gonna break... I'm starting to get a little freaked out, but I'm not gonna break. It's not because I don't care, because I do care what you think about me, I do. Care. I just can't tell you want you wanna hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to. You can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, its complicated. But that's life. And life... sucks." grey's

im fuzzy.
CRISTINA: "How do you keep your edge, sir? Because I've watched you and you've been doing this a long time and you're clean, you're focused, you are the job. Nothing gets to you. And the thing is sir, I was like that, until I got here. Until I actually started doing this job and now everything is... is fuzzy and-"
RICHARD: "That’s beside the point."
CRISTINA: "No, you see sir, this is the point. Because I can't tell you. I can't tell you what happened in that room (i cant betray my friend). And before, I could have. No guilt, no loyalties, no problem. Before, before I wouldn't have even been in that room. I wouldn't have gotten involved. I would have never frozen in surgery. I would have told him what I thought he should do. I had an edge sir. I had an edge and I've lost it, and I need it. I need it back. So, if you could just tell me, how you keep yours and how not to be affected, I know I could be a great surgeon. So if you could just give me the answers, I would really appreciate it."
RICHARD: "You're excused, Dr. Yang."
RICHARD: "You're excused. Go."
CRISTINA: "I'll tell you, I'll tell you who cut the LVAT wires if you'll please-"
RICHARD: "No you won't, I don't wanna know. Not from you. Yeah, I have the answers, but I can't tell them to you. I'm not going to be responsible for you becoming less human."

i really cried buckets... i did. especially when christina asked the chief the above questions. she the girl with the answer. the strong girl broke down and cried in front of her chief asking him to remind her how to be the girl she used to be. i last remembered i was scorned for being so sure of things. how can i be so sure of who i like? what i want to do? and what the future brings? i think since that day, i lost it. call it instinct, call it a power within. but the day you doubt, you question that power... it is gone. and you try to find it high and low.... you dont really know where to find it anymore. then you realised to be in this stage of you-dont-know-it-all like everybody else ppl will like you a bit more... no. ppl then begin to ask me where was the me that used to be so sure of things. that confidence i had then could shield me and give you a perfect answer. but now i cant. i dont even know if i want to be who i used to be but at least then i dont need to ask this question and i dont even ask ppl questions and maybe that will create less conflicts. i live in my own world, no one mess them up and maybe then i could at least create a tiny little kingdom of my own and live happily ever after.

but now i had rub shoulders with too many ppl... i cant even remember who contributed to the mess. but im messed up. im confused. im fuzzy. im nobody. but at least i think.... im a girl (which gosh i kinda of hate. i cry, im flickered minded and i jumped into things). that doesnt make me any less right??? im just like any other girl.

but whoever contributed to who i have become, you dont get to judge who i am now. im trying to repair the damage done. im trying trust me. just that im not very sure where to start and where to begin. it's fuzzy remember. i told you watching grey's is fun because sometimes you dont even remember you had changed or for the matter the cause of it. at least now i get the rough idea.
MEREDITH: "You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done! All the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares? I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." grey's

*desperately looking for grey's season 3. before this... watching dvd is a total waste of my time. yes i've changed.


Anonymous said...

hi gal, i guess we all change over time. for betta or for worse. and yes, i agree with you... i think i've lost that certainty/ steadfastness which came so easily in the past. I sometimes wonder if it was because i was just too naive/ idealistic when i was younger. the accumulated experiences do not help either. our but don't be too upset by it ok? i believe it's a season we are going through.. just cling on to Him and not let go no matter wat. tat's wat i'm trying to do too.


chaiyen said...

yah part of growing up. im trying to hang in there. thanks for the note. miss you. really hope that you are doing well.