finished reading church: why bother? by philip yancey in one sitting. why am i reading this book, it doesn't take a genuis to see i'm actually questioning if cell works, if any of us actually change when pastor shares his heart out or if i can come to God at all through church.
but as much as i used to believe bringing a pre believer to church once might give that person a chance to know Christ, i'm giving myself an equal chance now. just maybe the next time will be it, i will experience God again.
'Saint John of the Cross wrote "The virtuous soul that is alone... is like the burning coal that is alone. It will only grow colder rather than hotter." I (yancey) believe he is right'
someone once asked me this "why do you come to church?" i answered "to worship God, i do not come for the people" to which i thought was the perfect text book answer. i am not influence by people. i just realised what i meant was "i always ignore the people". the same person also mentioned "when Christ comes back for the Bride. it does not refers to us as individuals, how we always laugh about the man becoming the bride are just nonsense. the Bride refers to the church." i couldn't understand how important that is until now. that you are either part of the church or not. i guess yancey quotes him well.
"there are two things we cannot do alone," said Paul Tournier: "one is to married and the other is to be a christian."
'I (yancey) once visited a 'church' that manages, with no denominational headquarters or paid staff, to attract millions of devoted members each week. it goes by the name Alcoholics Anonymous. I went at the invitation of a friend who had just confessed to me his problem with drinking. "come along," he said, "and i think you'll catch a glimpse of what the early church must have been like."... Mostly the members, seemed to enjoy being around people who could see their facades. There was no reason not to be honest; everyone was in the same boat.'
my desire of a church.
in my greeks philosophy class, there is this cave anology. after we walk out and see the light, do not be too proud and move away thinking we are too smart for the rest. enlightentment was never for that purpose. go back into the cave and tell others about how big the world is. they might not believe you or follow you. be gentle, remember you were once like them. thank God, He had showed you the light.
i had been visiting a few churches, with very different people, preachers and worship styles. they all have their own flaws but if i was told to lead a church, i am sure it will still fall short of what my ideal is. i know what i mean because i was the co founder of my college CF. things do not happen as we always plan it. i guess therefore i should give credit to all these pastors who had been faithful to try sustain what they had been called into. i cannot say i love my church anyway if it is not a pain in the ass. the fact is, i had not really love if it does not hurt.
for now i am trying my very best to walk as a believer. i am not apologetic about my absence in ministry. my greatest concern is my heart with God. if i cannot worship with you in church, all my act of service is just a mere show.
---
my first 24 hours back had been very fruitful. welcome by samuel and sara crawling to me. that's new, cuteness. a good night sleep. finish my errands in the morning. lunch with steph and jac. visit celia in her new house, my other secondary best friend. dinner with family. follow by this good read.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
the pursuit of happyness
"Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". maybe happiness is something we always pursue but never attain.
from the movie the pursuit of happyness
remember those times when you were just so desperate to pass your exams because you know you are not all that smart.
remember those times when you were just so desperate to get an interview because you need a job but you know there are thousand over applicants out there competiting for that one position.
remember those times when you were just so desperate to get hold of your next pay cheque because you need to clear the bills that are pilling up.
you felt that luck was never on your side. to make the matter worst, bad things came from every corner. you cringe your teeth wondering if things can get any worst. at the verge of tears, why it has to be you again. benny ho puts it well, "as much as if God is for you who can be against you is true, it is also true if God is against you who can be for you." with those hardship and anticipation, you can't help but have tears swell out when one day you suddenly finds out that you actually passed. or to realise you got chosen for the job. or that the cheque is finally ready.
---
what can i say except that i love this movie a lot. i am not sure if you believe me when i tell you this. i had actually thought through this once, what if the man i love doesn't look like he will make it in life? i decided then i will still be with him because i believe from the bottom of my heart that everyone will have his chance, i just need to believe with him. therefore if you had ever ask me this question "what are the critireas of the man i am looking for?", doing well financially was never one of them. so long as he is fighting.
most of us had gone through desperate moments like this. which to me are precious moments of life. not many of us remember how it feels like because most of us live with stable income rolling in every month. you probably won't remember why was it important to pass your exams or get that interview for that matter. my freelance job requires me to go through that again and again. being desperate when the bank is empty and living by every penny left in my pocket. later to receive a call that the cheque is ready. that is grace. precious.
a really good movie to catch. it reminds us the good days we are living in right now was not without a cost.
from the movie the pursuit of happyness
remember those times when you were just so desperate to pass your exams because you know you are not all that smart.
remember those times when you were just so desperate to get an interview because you need a job but you know there are thousand over applicants out there competiting for that one position.
remember those times when you were just so desperate to get hold of your next pay cheque because you need to clear the bills that are pilling up.
you felt that luck was never on your side. to make the matter worst, bad things came from every corner. you cringe your teeth wondering if things can get any worst. at the verge of tears, why it has to be you again. benny ho puts it well, "as much as if God is for you who can be against you is true, it is also true if God is against you who can be for you." with those hardship and anticipation, you can't help but have tears swell out when one day you suddenly finds out that you actually passed. or to realise you got chosen for the job. or that the cheque is finally ready.
---
what can i say except that i love this movie a lot. i am not sure if you believe me when i tell you this. i had actually thought through this once, what if the man i love doesn't look like he will make it in life? i decided then i will still be with him because i believe from the bottom of my heart that everyone will have his chance, i just need to believe with him. therefore if you had ever ask me this question "what are the critireas of the man i am looking for?", doing well financially was never one of them. so long as he is fighting.
most of us had gone through desperate moments like this. which to me are precious moments of life. not many of us remember how it feels like because most of us live with stable income rolling in every month. you probably won't remember why was it important to pass your exams or get that interview for that matter. my freelance job requires me to go through that again and again. being desperate when the bank is empty and living by every penny left in my pocket. later to receive a call that the cheque is ready. that is grace. precious.
a really good movie to catch. it reminds us the good days we are living in right now was not without a cost.
Monday, March 05, 2007
joke of the day
funniest msn title i had ever seen in my life.
"true love is like a ghost, how often do you see one in your life."
---
my goodness i am rotf.
"true love is like a ghost, how often do you see one in your life."
---
my goodness i am rotf.
let the king takes its throne
from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom (king) and priests to serve his God and Father -- to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen. (genesis 1.5-6)
When he (the king) takes the throne of his kingdom, he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law, taken from that of the priests, who are Levites. It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the Lord his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees and not consider himself better than his brothers and turn from the law to the right or to the left. Then he and his descendants wil reign a long time over his kingdom in Israel. (deuteronomy 17.18-20)
many of us are kings that had not taken our rightful positions. yet there are many of us that is sitting on the throne, doing all our things without this preparations. but why would a king not summon someone to write? there must be a reason he needs to write it himself. that he may run through line by line the words. i am going to take my kingly position. i will start with the books of the law. let me see how far i can go and what will happen. since my handwriting is so ugly, i will type and keep it in my apple. for i fear i cannot read my own handwriting. haha. i am so excited :)
When he (the king) takes the throne of his kingdom, he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law, taken from that of the priests, who are Levites. It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the Lord his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees and not consider himself better than his brothers and turn from the law to the right or to the left. Then he and his descendants wil reign a long time over his kingdom in Israel. (deuteronomy 17.18-20)
many of us are kings that had not taken our rightful positions. yet there are many of us that is sitting on the throne, doing all our things without this preparations. but why would a king not summon someone to write? there must be a reason he needs to write it himself. that he may run through line by line the words. i am going to take my kingly position. i will start with the books of the law. let me see how far i can go and what will happen. since my handwriting is so ugly, i will type and keep it in my apple. for i fear i cannot read my own handwriting. haha. i am so excited :)
Sunday, March 04, 2007
love
r: what's the most romantic thing a guy has ever done for you?
chaiyen says: got a lot wohh hahah. bla blah. but i found out if i don't like the guy it will make it less romantic
r: what's the most romantic you've done to a guy then?
chaiyen says: also got a lot hahaha. but one i will always want to be there when he is sad. no matter how far he is.
r: god.. LOVE is so POWDERFUL!!! i know of this guy. he won't be around during christmas. so he bought 12 presents so that she can open one a day when she's not around. each present got number and represent something
chaiyen says: sweet...
r: like 1 - a plushie
2 - sims 2 game
3 - her fav book with 300 + pages
chaiyen says: aiyyooh so thoughtful. faint faint...
r: 9 - u2 dvd her fav band with 9 tracks and 9 additional dunno what. melt or not i ask u?
chaiyen says: melt... but like i say only if i like the person
r: so conclusion is it's all bout the feel and chemistry
chaiyen says: no, conclusion is not that i want a guy that is romantic. i want the guy i love to be sweet to me. you will realise small things the guy you love do for you makes you smile more than big things a guy you don't like do for you.
r: no matter how nice a guy is. it's still about the feel. a guy can be not so nice but if you have the feel. you'll like him too
chaiyen says: it is not i need a romantic guy. i just want to know i am loved. that he still bother to make an effort to tell me he loves me :)
r: ok so if someone doesn't make u feel loved. doesn't bother to say he loves you. but u have the feel for him.. you'll still like him rite?
chaiyen says: erm shouldn't be the case. will not start. but start already maybe cannot stop
r: haha.. u are insane la. so conclusion, it's still about the feel no matter how shitty that guy is
chaiyen says: but i normally like expressive guys. guys that can tell you they like you. are guys that can tell you about their things. if not don't expect to hear much of their life from them
r: and that's THE ONE you like most i guess
chaiyen says: i have a few ex bfs that are more expressive. and i like 2 out of 5 of them more
r: love is a weird thing i guess... but we just can't live without it. who can... then love again can be in many diff forms. not necessarily bf and gf
chaiyen says: i really have to say it is different. the rest of the ppl in the world you try to love. but the man you are going to married, you just love
r: ok you're getting a bit too deep
chaiyen says: you love your mum, don't you. what will you do for her?
r: anything i guess. except chores... heheheh
chaiyen says: well you will do chores for the guy you like.
---
i don't like romantic guys, i like the guy i love to be romantic
chaiyen says: got a lot wohh hahah. bla blah. but i found out if i don't like the guy it will make it less romantic
r: what's the most romantic you've done to a guy then?
chaiyen says: also got a lot hahaha. but one i will always want to be there when he is sad. no matter how far he is.
r: god.. LOVE is so POWDERFUL!!! i know of this guy. he won't be around during christmas. so he bought 12 presents so that she can open one a day when she's not around. each present got number and represent something
chaiyen says: sweet...
r: like 1 - a plushie
2 - sims 2 game
3 - her fav book with 300 + pages
chaiyen says: aiyyooh so thoughtful. faint faint...
r: 9 - u2 dvd her fav band with 9 tracks and 9 additional dunno what. melt or not i ask u?
chaiyen says: melt... but like i say only if i like the person
r: so conclusion is it's all bout the feel and chemistry
chaiyen says: no, conclusion is not that i want a guy that is romantic. i want the guy i love to be sweet to me. you will realise small things the guy you love do for you makes you smile more than big things a guy you don't like do for you.
r: no matter how nice a guy is. it's still about the feel. a guy can be not so nice but if you have the feel. you'll like him too
chaiyen says: it is not i need a romantic guy. i just want to know i am loved. that he still bother to make an effort to tell me he loves me :)
r: ok so if someone doesn't make u feel loved. doesn't bother to say he loves you. but u have the feel for him.. you'll still like him rite?
chaiyen says: erm shouldn't be the case. will not start. but start already maybe cannot stop
r: haha.. u are insane la. so conclusion, it's still about the feel no matter how shitty that guy is
chaiyen says: but i normally like expressive guys. guys that can tell you they like you. are guys that can tell you about their things. if not don't expect to hear much of their life from them
r: and that's THE ONE you like most i guess
chaiyen says: i have a few ex bfs that are more expressive. and i like 2 out of 5 of them more
r: love is a weird thing i guess... but we just can't live without it. who can... then love again can be in many diff forms. not necessarily bf and gf
chaiyen says: i really have to say it is different. the rest of the ppl in the world you try to love. but the man you are going to married, you just love
r: ok you're getting a bit too deep
chaiyen says: you love your mum, don't you. what will you do for her?
r: anything i guess. except chores... heheheh
chaiyen says: well you will do chores for the guy you like.
---
i don't like romantic guys, i like the guy i love to be romantic
Friday, March 02, 2007
feeling good
had not work so late for a while and having to wake up so early this morning. but thank God the sun is shining this morning. have i ever tell you that God loves me more. i mean it has to be, it was raining non stop the last few days. i remember waking up having these words at the back of my mind "i am so glad i do not need to go to work, how do ppl wake up in morning like this?" (dummm, back to sleep).
photograph by anna
yah, God has to love me a little more.
---
btw if i haven't tell you, sleeping late is very good for my soul.
photograph by anna
yah, God has to love me a little more.
---
btw if i haven't tell you, sleeping late is very good for my soul.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
movies and lyrics
a new liking to get the lyrics of songs i hear from class 95 and search for the video in youtube.
where do broken hearts go by whitney houston
I know it's been some time
But there's something on my mind
You see I haven't been the same
Since that cold November day
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place
And the only things I learned
Is that I need you desperately
So here I am
And can you please tell me (oh)
Chorus:
Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that's waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won't they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care for me
I've been around enough to know
That dreams don't turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can't run away
And what we had was so much more
Than we ever had before
And no matter how I try
You're always on my mind
So here I am
And can you please tell me (oh)
And now that I am here with you
I'll never let you go
I look into your eyes
And now I know, now I know
For me
You still care for me...
---
baby come back to me by vanessa anne hudgen has pretty good lyrics too but i don't like the music video. kind of like the young artist in music and lyrics. "i-so-want-to-dance music video" hahaha! non related music video. or how about hurt by christina aguleira. i am enjoying my new hobby. if i am in kl, the next step will be, go to limewire to download the song. ok i shall go back to work.
anyway above is the second music video from grey's anatomy that i really like. this is the first. i am so going to watch it... let me go try to find it now. any kind soul?
where do broken hearts go by whitney houston
I know it's been some time
But there's something on my mind
You see I haven't been the same
Since that cold November day
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place
And the only things I learned
Is that I need you desperately
So here I am
And can you please tell me (oh)
Chorus:
Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that's waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won't they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care for me
I've been around enough to know
That dreams don't turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can't run away
And what we had was so much more
Than we ever had before
And no matter how I try
You're always on my mind
So here I am
And can you please tell me (oh)
And now that I am here with you
I'll never let you go
I look into your eyes
And now I know, now I know
For me
You still care for me...
---
baby come back to me by vanessa anne hudgen has pretty good lyrics too but i don't like the music video. kind of like the young artist in music and lyrics. "i-so-want-to-dance music video" hahaha! non related music video. or how about hurt by christina aguleira. i am enjoying my new hobby. if i am in kl, the next step will be, go to limewire to download the song. ok i shall go back to work.
anyway above is the second music video from grey's anatomy that i really like. this is the first. i am so going to watch it... let me go try to find it now. any kind soul?
acting sophisticated
i have to say i feel rather sophisticated lately watching all these foreign movies:
japanese: letters from iwo jima
french: paris, je t'aime (bad! alert)
taiwanese: silence
korean: spring waltz (in which they have austria language inside too)
---
shik ke la kah tua ke. sorry i was just speaking in tongue. am sitting in coffee beans now having my cranberry salad. it is not on the menu, custom made specially for me. now that is what i call flexibility. yummy.
japanese: letters from iwo jima
french: paris, je t'aime (bad! alert)
taiwanese: silence
korean: spring waltz (in which they have austria language inside too)
---
shik ke la kah tua ke. sorry i was just speaking in tongue. am sitting in coffee beans now having my cranberry salad. it is not on the menu, custom made specially for me. now that is what i call flexibility. yummy.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
find a way back into love
the movie music and lyrics was not that fantastic but this is the best part. if you don't watch the whole movie, this is good enough:
i've been living with a shadow overhead
i've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
i've been lonely for so long
trapped in the past i just can't seem to move on
i've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
just in case i ever need them again someday
i've been setting aside time
to clear a little space in the corner of my mind
all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
i've been watching the stars refuse to shine
i've been searching but i just don't see the signs
i know that its out there
there gotta be something for my soul somewhere
i've been looking for someone to shed some light
not someone to just get me through the night
i can use some direction
and i'm open to your suggestions
all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart again
i guess i'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
there are moments where i don't know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way i feel
i need inspiration
not just another negotiation
all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart to you
i'm hoping you'll show me what to do
and i you help me to start again
you know that i'll be there for you in the end
---
you can only write a song when you are deeply in love or deeply heartbroken.
i've been living with a shadow overhead
i've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
i've been lonely for so long
trapped in the past i just can't seem to move on
i've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
just in case i ever need them again someday
i've been setting aside time
to clear a little space in the corner of my mind
all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
i've been watching the stars refuse to shine
i've been searching but i just don't see the signs
i know that its out there
there gotta be something for my soul somewhere
i've been looking for someone to shed some light
not someone to just get me through the night
i can use some direction
and i'm open to your suggestions
all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart again
i guess i'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
there are moments where i don't know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way i feel
i need inspiration
not just another negotiation
all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i can't make it through without a way back into love
and if i open my heart to you
i'm hoping you'll show me what to do
and i you help me to start again
you know that i'll be there for you in the end
---
you can only write a song when you are deeply in love or deeply heartbroken.
Monday, February 26, 2007
live
am watching the oscars live now. it is quite a good feeling sitting here knowing half of all those i know are at work now.
i need to catch a few movies:
1. the departed
2. letters from iwo jima
3. babel
4. dreamgirls
(will add more soon)
---
Jennifer Hudson, one of the finalist of american idol won the supporting-actress Academy Award for "Dreamgirls." there came one of the most touching line: "Oh my God, I have to just take this moment in. I cannot believe this. Look what God can do." america never choose her but the oscars did. why i am touched, i am to know that the disappointment of today can still be something to celebrate tomorrow. *smile*
i need to catch a few movies:
1. the departed
2. letters from iwo jima
3. babel
4. dreamgirls
(will add more soon)
---
Jennifer Hudson, one of the finalist of american idol won the supporting-actress Academy Award for "Dreamgirls." there came one of the most touching line: "Oh my God, I have to just take this moment in. I cannot believe this. Look what God can do." america never choose her but the oscars did. why i am touched, i am to know that the disappointment of today can still be something to celebrate tomorrow. *smile*
question does not always follow by answer
we often think that when we choose to be truthful it will do good for everyone. but i come to realise that besides myself not having the need to make up stories for my lies, i can see no other good. i mean it doesn't cause others to trust your good intention or open up to you or heal your broken heart. so why do we choose to be truthful again? must be i'm just lazy to make up stories.
am i a very idealistic person? i just wish that people can be very honest with each other about anything. being honest without being judge. especially people that really care for each other. what makes a person that raise up issues about their relationship the one at fault? aren't we suppose to raise up issues? are those couple that never raise up issues happier couple? similarly are christians that question less a believer? is struggling from insecurity a problem to be solved alone?
ask and it (answer) shall be given to you. maybe it doesn't apply to human.
little girl: mummy, how do you and daddy make babies?
mum: *blushing* you will know when you grow up.
girl: can we talk?
guy: no!
cy: can i know who you like?
q: no!
---
i am feeling a bit emotional now, i really feel like writing or talking. there are great loads of things inside me i need to sound off. a lot of which i do not have the permission to write about or i just do not have the liberty to sit down and talk to the right person. do you think, one day i will just give up talking all together? hahaha maybe not, i am so talkactive.
---
FAST FACT: the water in singapore is so clean, i can use it as my saline for contact lenses. i am running low of solution. need to go get them :)
FAST FACT: in japan, the family of the deceased get fine if he jumps into the train station to commit suicide. so if you want to die, choose singapore.
am i a very idealistic person? i just wish that people can be very honest with each other about anything. being honest without being judge. especially people that really care for each other. what makes a person that raise up issues about their relationship the one at fault? aren't we suppose to raise up issues? are those couple that never raise up issues happier couple? similarly are christians that question less a believer? is struggling from insecurity a problem to be solved alone?
ask and it (answer) shall be given to you. maybe it doesn't apply to human.
little girl: mummy, how do you and daddy make babies?
mum: *blushing* you will know when you grow up.
girl: can we talk?
guy: no!
cy: can i know who you like?
q: no!
---
i am feeling a bit emotional now, i really feel like writing or talking. there are great loads of things inside me i need to sound off. a lot of which i do not have the permission to write about or i just do not have the liberty to sit down and talk to the right person. do you think, one day i will just give up talking all together? hahaha maybe not, i am so talkactive.
---
FAST FACT: the water in singapore is so clean, i can use it as my saline for contact lenses. i am running low of solution. need to go get them :)
FAST FACT: in japan, the family of the deceased get fine if he jumps into the train station to commit suicide. so if you want to die, choose singapore.
Friday, February 23, 2007
your shame will not last forever
Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, not by ceremonical foods, which are of no value to those who eat them. We have an altar from which those who minister at the tabernacle have no right to eat.
The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come. (hebrews 13.9-14)
our only ceremonical food now is probably communion. partaking the bread and wine does not draw us closer to God, nor does it make us supernatural. it is outside the gate where we confess our sins. as i tear my mask and share the shame that is when i get closer to God. you get closer to someone only when you share what he goes through, isn't it? many of us fear to show our real self, fearing that we need to live with the shame forever. a king might fear his shameful record be recorded in history. but what about us, the nobody, who are we afraid of actually? even for the king, this is the good news - we do not have an enduring city. meaning what you are shameful of will not last forever. so fear not. live as if there is no tomorrow.
thank you mummy for taking care fo me
thank you daddy for looking out for me
thank you all you out there for the good times and the nice meals
i know i should had say it more, i love you and i cherish you
i share what's in my heart
sorry, i really don't mean to hurt
if i know that it hurts, i'll rather the pain was on me
i hope the day will come you will see what's in me
don't be embarrassed to be yourself
don't be embarrassed to say you care
don't be embarrassed to say you are sorry
live as if there is no tomorrow
---
yes, tell the girl you like her. your shame will not be forever if she rejects you. but if she loves you the same way, you can share a lifetime with her :)
The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come. (hebrews 13.9-14)
our only ceremonical food now is probably communion. partaking the bread and wine does not draw us closer to God, nor does it make us supernatural. it is outside the gate where we confess our sins. as i tear my mask and share the shame that is when i get closer to God. you get closer to someone only when you share what he goes through, isn't it? many of us fear to show our real self, fearing that we need to live with the shame forever. a king might fear his shameful record be recorded in history. but what about us, the nobody, who are we afraid of actually? even for the king, this is the good news - we do not have an enduring city. meaning what you are shameful of will not last forever. so fear not. live as if there is no tomorrow.
thank you mummy for taking care fo me
thank you daddy for looking out for me
thank you all you out there for the good times and the nice meals
i know i should had say it more, i love you and i cherish you
i share what's in my heart
sorry, i really don't mean to hurt
if i know that it hurts, i'll rather the pain was on me
i hope the day will come you will see what's in me
don't be embarrassed to be yourself
don't be embarrassed to say you care
don't be embarrassed to say you are sorry
live as if there is no tomorrow
---
yes, tell the girl you like her. your shame will not be forever if she rejects you. but if she loves you the same way, you can share a lifetime with her :)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
a sinful weekend
i didn't go for church service over the weekend instead:
envy: i sit down there and take my time off to envy the the beautiful endings of the few movies i catch.
greed: i had been gambling - blackjack, mahjong and tai di. i attempted to win.
gluttony: i had been eating great loads of fattening, oily food.
sloth: i had been sleeping a lot and my waking hours are left laughing my heads off in too many meaningless conversations.
anger: i refused to go to bed at night. i was extremely upset with the stupid president in 24, another of my dvd series.
lust: i had been taking beer, red wine and brandy on the rock at home. a new lust for alchohol.
pride: i had not forget to surf on my freetime. am very proud to be the owner of my new macbook.
---
it had been a very fun weekend just doing absolutely nothing. considering others drag their feets to go visit their relatives that they cannot connect with. i am thankful i have a big big family that i enjoy being with. we grow up in the same house, we used to play barbie dolls, lego and hide-and-seek in the whole flat. as if the way we talk is not loud enough, we have two additionals to our circle this year. cuteness.
meaningless talk turn out to be quality time. sometimes purposeful talk can turn out to be meaningless time.
envy: i sit down there and take my time off to envy the the beautiful endings of the few movies i catch.
greed: i had been gambling - blackjack, mahjong and tai di. i attempted to win.
gluttony: i had been eating great loads of fattening, oily food.
sloth: i had been sleeping a lot and my waking hours are left laughing my heads off in too many meaningless conversations.
anger: i refused to go to bed at night. i was extremely upset with the stupid president in 24, another of my dvd series.
lust: i had been taking beer, red wine and brandy on the rock at home. a new lust for alchohol.
pride: i had not forget to surf on my freetime. am very proud to be the owner of my new macbook.
---
it had been a very fun weekend just doing absolutely nothing. considering others drag their feets to go visit their relatives that they cannot connect with. i am thankful i have a big big family that i enjoy being with. we grow up in the same house, we used to play barbie dolls, lego and hide-and-seek in the whole flat. as if the way we talk is not loud enough, we have two additionals to our circle this year. cuteness.
meaningless talk turn out to be quality time. sometimes purposeful talk can turn out to be meaningless time.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
the holiday
i like this movies very much. ok, more than like.
and he is charming. most importantly, he cries.
imagine a very cool voice saying this
i had never stop loving you, not even for a second.
after disappearing for 1 year, these words are killer*. i also want to cry, sob sob. spend 8 hours with jack bauer. am stuck on another tv series.
after disappearing for 1 year, these words are killer*. i also want to cry, sob sob. spend 8 hours with jack bauer. am stuck on another tv series.
Friday, February 16, 2007
ssd
i know what she means. i had been checking a few blogs as well. wanting to get into their inner life but i guess as much as they doesn't want me to be part of their life, i am not getting it.
i had not been blogging as much because i am entering into this phase that i am super super down.
fantastic: i write and i talk non stop
very good: i talk non stop
good: i talk
ok: i talk and i stone
down: i write and i stone
super down: i write non stop
super super down: i keep quiet
---
how i know it? that night i was quite moody. a very kind soul asked me this. "want to go out? we can talk." my own answer took me by surprise "no, i want to drink. i don't feel like talking." know what you are asking for when you ask me not to blog.
i had not been blogging as much because i am entering into this phase that i am super super down.
fantastic: i write and i talk non stop
very good: i talk non stop
good: i talk
ok: i talk and i stone
down: i write and i stone
super down: i write non stop
super super down: i keep quiet
---
how i know it? that night i was quite moody. a very kind soul asked me this. "want to go out? we can talk." my own answer took me by surprise "no, i want to drink. i don't feel like talking." know what you are asking for when you ask me not to blog.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
hate making a fool of myself yet i do it
i know i shouldn't like you because i will make a fool of myself. yet i cannot control my feelings each time. i really hate you for making me look like a fool.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
who is the first person you are thinking?
i woke up in the morning. i kind of figure out it was late but i was reluctant to wake up because i didn't really want to face the day. feeling a little emotional and down at the same time. took my handphone to check the time, '1 missed call'. who is that? "am i seeing things? it cannot be him". followed by a sms, "i am here, can i see you tonight?"
---
this is not even a dream, just pure wish. looks like i had gone beyond being transparent, sharing even my fantasy life. sorry, maybe i had too much beer. just came back from balaclava.
i hate valentine's day, my birthday and new year
don't like the feeling that he is not near
---
this is not even a dream, just pure wish. looks like i had gone beyond being transparent, sharing even my fantasy life. sorry, maybe i had too much beer. just came back from balaclava.
i hate valentine's day, my birthday and new year
don't like the feeling that he is not near
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
torn between two lovers
woke up in the morning and saw this very interesting Q and A in yahoo. i had never really like two people at the same time before so i can't really say much. but i like what it says.
The "soul" part of soul mate is the depth of the connection. It goes beyond reason and control and seems to be ordained by fate.
---
so i think it is not about choosing who is better, you should just know who you want. i said it. in case you have not read my side bar
the one is called the one not because there is only one but because there are rare.
The "soul" part of soul mate is the depth of the connection. It goes beyond reason and control and seems to be ordained by fate.
---
so i think it is not about choosing who is better, you should just know who you want. i said it. in case you have not read my side bar
the one is called the one not because there is only one but because there are rare.
Monday, February 12, 2007
word study 4: pimpin
according to the urban dictionary
1. when somone is wearing nice clothes
2. to have the right clothes, in the right place, with the right hoes.
3. when someone is getting all the girls (guys)
4. a boy (girl) with alot of Girlfriends (boyfriends) that KNOW about each other and don't mind
5. thinkin outside the box. not havin so many gurls on hand thats not pimpin. so pimpin is just bein you and dont care wat other people think 'bout you!
am very curious what are you refering me to?
other recent nick names:
hot stuff
miss popular
Dr Love
the expert
guys magnet
---
ok the secret is out.
i am amused by:
1. the amount of ppl that came up to ask me
2. most amused by x asking me is it y and y that is probably thinking i am going out with x
3. being me who hate to be misunderstood, found the joy of writing. writing on purpose to mislead and to cause the reader to want to know more :)
single emphasis' day plans
1.30pm: lunch with my ex editor, kelley
6.00pm: interview with josh's boss. that is why i am nervous.
7.00pm: i finally agreed going out with my cousin since he doesn't have a date. but i was kind enough to tell him, if you find a date last minute just tell me. i do have other girls to spent the night with.
somehow everyone is pushing their appointments to wednesday. either they are lonely they need to make themselves busy on that day or life just goes on as usual for them that day. i choose to think it is the latter.
one more joke
cy: is your boss single?
josh: yah
cy: oh... what if he ask me "on that night, actually let us do your interview over dinner?". is he like trying to look for a date on that day hahaha... ok just joking.
1. when somone is wearing nice clothes
2. to have the right clothes, in the right place, with the right hoes.
3. when someone is getting all the girls (guys)
4. a boy (girl) with alot of Girlfriends (boyfriends) that KNOW about each other and don't mind
5. thinkin outside the box. not havin so many gurls on hand thats not pimpin. so pimpin is just bein you and dont care wat other people think 'bout you!
am very curious what are you refering me to?
other recent nick names:
hot stuff
miss popular
Dr Love
the expert
guys magnet
---
ok the secret is out.
i am amused by:
1. the amount of ppl that came up to ask me
2. most amused by x asking me is it y and y that is probably thinking i am going out with x
3. being me who hate to be misunderstood, found the joy of writing. writing on purpose to mislead and to cause the reader to want to know more :)
single emphasis' day plans
1.30pm: lunch with my ex editor, kelley
6.00pm: interview with josh's boss. that is why i am nervous.
7.00pm: i finally agreed going out with my cousin since he doesn't have a date. but i was kind enough to tell him, if you find a date last minute just tell me. i do have other girls to spent the night with.
somehow everyone is pushing their appointments to wednesday. either they are lonely they need to make themselves busy on that day or life just goes on as usual for them that day. i choose to think it is the latter.
one more joke
cy: is your boss single?
josh: yah
cy: oh... what if he ask me "on that night, actually let us do your interview over dinner?". is he like trying to look for a date on that day hahaha... ok just joking.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
don't try to explain, it might just get worst
i had been going to his house so often to finish our OTH season 3 and 4. so much so that his parents ask chris "anything going on between them". so on his farewell in his house, i was supposed to do a toast to him so i prepared a speech which i thought was brilliant to explain myself.
sam, he is the kind of guy that every girls want. (wowwww... parents eyes nearly popped out)
he notices the new shoes or new top you wear and your new hair do
he makes sure you get to your car safely
he asks you "how are you?" and "what do you think?"
he is calm enough to handle any situation, that is why i like to work with him
he is there with the happening people yet he will see you that is not feeling too good at the side of the room
not to mention the part he won the asian young entreprenuer award and that his future is secured
he seems to win the hearts of everyone--the youth, the young adults and aunties
he is everything...
* BUT he is just not the kind of guy for me.
a toast to the man and the man you are going to be. am proud of you.
---
that punch line* of mine was supposed to come out nicely to ease the parents. things doesn't take place like how we always plan it. cause right at that moment i wanted to go into it* one very smart person need to say this "he is so good, you marry him le". so my sentence* seems to just be a line i come up with to cover up. i didn't dare to look at the parents to see if they fainted. i felt so horrible after that speech. but who cares he is leaving and we both know very much the kind of people we like. hope this new entry find you safe and sound in that new land. so now... i am left with only one bald guy.
Friday, February 09, 2007
faithful friends
by Twila Paris and Steven Curtis Chapman
Everyone knows you as a man of honour
I am glad i know you simply as a friend
You've always taken time to be my brother
And I'll be standing by you in the end
But I will never put you on a pedestal
I thank the Lord for everything you do
I'll be there to pray for you and for the ones you love
I believe that He will finish all He started in you
I will be an open door that you can count on
Anywhere you, anywhere you've been
I will be an honest heart you can depend on
I will be a faithful friend
I am one of many whose path you made clearer
By the light you've carried faithfully as a warrior and a child
God has used you greatly to encourage and inspire
And you've remained a true friend all the while
So I will never put you on a pedestal
Cause we both know all the glory is the Lord's
And I'll be there to pray
that He will keep you by His grace
And I will remind you to be seeking His face
Should it ever come your time to mourn
I will weep with you
And every single time you win
I'm celebrating too
I will celebrate with you
---
found this cd on the shelf. i guess the words are more true today.
Everyone knows you as a man of honour
I am glad i know you simply as a friend
You've always taken time to be my brother
And I'll be standing by you in the end
But I will never put you on a pedestal
I thank the Lord for everything you do
I'll be there to pray for you and for the ones you love
I believe that He will finish all He started in you
I will be an open door that you can count on
Anywhere you, anywhere you've been
I will be an honest heart you can depend on
I will be a faithful friend
I am one of many whose path you made clearer
By the light you've carried faithfully as a warrior and a child
God has used you greatly to encourage and inspire
And you've remained a true friend all the while
So I will never put you on a pedestal
Cause we both know all the glory is the Lord's
And I'll be there to pray
that He will keep you by His grace
And I will remind you to be seeking His face
Should it ever come your time to mourn
I will weep with you
And every single time you win
I'm celebrating too
I will celebrate with you
---
found this cd on the shelf. i guess the words are more true today.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
valentine's day
i meant to write a new blog for you everytime you click on it. but i had been so tired the last few days. doing photo shoot from 8am-5pm. i shall not go to what time i slept and had to wake up. anyway i was so tired, i can sleep at the train, when i stand at the bus and even when i am talking to someone. i feel this dizziness in my head. i just got my work approved and i am starting another marathon of work but here you go.
ps law: so chaiyen, why ru here? did you come here to celebrate valentine's with anyone?
cy: no ps, i came to escape valentine's day. i don't want to feel lonely because no one call in kl, so i came. i won't be going out with anyone, i will make sure i off my phone that day ok.
---
i just got a call yesterday, i got an appointment on the 14th at 6pm. i am a little nervous.
btw try not to blog about your valentine's day. yes, don't show me how happy you are with your date. i might cry.
ps law: so chaiyen, why ru here? did you come here to celebrate valentine's with anyone?
cy: no ps, i came to escape valentine's day. i don't want to feel lonely because no one call in kl, so i came. i won't be going out with anyone, i will make sure i off my phone that day ok.
---
i just got a call yesterday, i got an appointment on the 14th at 6pm. i am a little nervous.
btw try not to blog about your valentine's day. yes, don't show me how happy you are with your date. i might cry.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
word study 3: fear
faith
being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see (hebrews 11.1)
fear
putting too much time thinking of what we do not hope for and what we do not want to see
ps melyvn brought this to light for me. after 14 years of labour with uncle laban, why did jacob not leave and go home? reason being he was more afraid to go home to see his brother than to be cheated. he stayed 6 more years. that is what fear does, it eats your time. he just need to stand up one day and say i am going to face my fear head on. like she says "tell me it is not what i think it is". and yes esau wasn't mad at him.
quite a number of ppl say i had change. if there is one thing i can put a finger on is this word 'faith'. i had not lose faith in GOD. in fact i felt that my faith in God had been refined. i had learn to have faith in other ppl more than i know how. not from a positive thinking speech because i sympathise what you are going through but for the so-much-more i know God has for you. i think probably i had exhange all that with the faith i have for myself.
what cause faith to be replaced by fear and vise versa:
1. broken dreams and disappointments in life that you no longer believe that what you hope for is true.
but ps kong hee once preached "it is when God break this small dreams of mine then He can together with me built a bigger greater dream." like how shups puts it, we begin to look at life with perspective once we are able to coin out why we are going through what we go through.
2. allowing myself to be questioned "is christian just a group of happy-clappy-positive thinking ppl? ppl that keep all their struggles and only thank God for their good things in life." i do not want to be categorise with hypocrisy. but without me realising it, i had stop to proclaim with faith my hope.
i had to admit that in fear that our struggles will stumble others or disgrace God's name, many of us fall into this category. come to think about it, that is because we do not have enough faith that God will turn things around that is why we are not sharing our disappointments. also we do not want to be weak like other non believers. how shallow is that? when ppl ask, "you call yourself christians?". we should actually answer... "oh i am not good enough that is why i need to be a believer." recent months i had told myself i will show you my real self. if i struggle i will share with you, that you might know in the day i overcome it is not me but God in me. i will not be ashamed to hope as well trusting that you know it is genuine since i am not afraid of admitting what i'm not.
i pray that the faith in the Father who had been faithful to me all these years, the great hope that the Spirit has install for me and that love that Jesus Christ demostrated when He comes down to earth be with each and everyone of us.
---
i have to tell you, i fear meeting up with josh's boss though. i fear he likes my work and give me a good offer. if i don't get an offer i do not need to think and conclude it as 'that is not God's plan for me'. if i do i need to make a decision that is going to change the route of my life forever. probably even who i am going to marry. i hate to make decisions like that. just when i thought i had already decided when the opportunity comes. the real test comes when the decision is in front of you. for now, i will spare myself from the fear since it is not here yet.
being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see (hebrews 11.1)
fear
putting too much time thinking of what we do not hope for and what we do not want to see
ps melyvn brought this to light for me. after 14 years of labour with uncle laban, why did jacob not leave and go home? reason being he was more afraid to go home to see his brother than to be cheated. he stayed 6 more years. that is what fear does, it eats your time. he just need to stand up one day and say i am going to face my fear head on. like she says "tell me it is not what i think it is". and yes esau wasn't mad at him.
quite a number of ppl say i had change. if there is one thing i can put a finger on is this word 'faith'. i had not lose faith in GOD. in fact i felt that my faith in God had been refined. i had learn to have faith in other ppl more than i know how. not from a positive thinking speech because i sympathise what you are going through but for the so-much-more i know God has for you. i think probably i had exhange all that with the faith i have for myself.
what cause faith to be replaced by fear and vise versa:
1. broken dreams and disappointments in life that you no longer believe that what you hope for is true.
but ps kong hee once preached "it is when God break this small dreams of mine then He can together with me built a bigger greater dream." like how shups puts it, we begin to look at life with perspective once we are able to coin out why we are going through what we go through.
2. allowing myself to be questioned "is christian just a group of happy-clappy-positive thinking ppl? ppl that keep all their struggles and only thank God for their good things in life." i do not want to be categorise with hypocrisy. but without me realising it, i had stop to proclaim with faith my hope.
i had to admit that in fear that our struggles will stumble others or disgrace God's name, many of us fall into this category. come to think about it, that is because we do not have enough faith that God will turn things around that is why we are not sharing our disappointments. also we do not want to be weak like other non believers. how shallow is that? when ppl ask, "you call yourself christians?". we should actually answer... "oh i am not good enough that is why i need to be a believer." recent months i had told myself i will show you my real self. if i struggle i will share with you, that you might know in the day i overcome it is not me but God in me. i will not be ashamed to hope as well trusting that you know it is genuine since i am not afraid of admitting what i'm not.
i pray that the faith in the Father who had been faithful to me all these years, the great hope that the Spirit has install for me and that love that Jesus Christ demostrated when He comes down to earth be with each and everyone of us.
---
i have to tell you, i fear meeting up with josh's boss though. i fear he likes my work and give me a good offer. if i don't get an offer i do not need to think and conclude it as 'that is not God's plan for me'. if i do i need to make a decision that is going to change the route of my life forever. probably even who i am going to marry. i hate to make decisions like that. just when i thought i had already decided when the opportunity comes. the real test comes when the decision is in front of you. for now, i will spare myself from the fear since it is not here yet.
is true love enough for you?
she asked herself: why don't you explain yourself, at least you can tell me it is not like how i think it is.
he resolved in his heart: i don't want to explain myself anymore. my love for her is real but not that true love is enough to change anything.
---
whose lines are that? lines of many, many individuals. one of the many are the main actor and actress of my recent korean series, to marry a millionaire.
he resolved in his heart: i don't want to explain myself anymore. my love for her is real but not that true love is enough to change anything.
---
whose lines are that? lines of many, many individuals. one of the many are the main actor and actress of my recent korean series, to marry a millionaire.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
word study 2: suitability
The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." genesis 2:18
suit·a·ble [soo-tuh-buhl] adjective
such as to suit; appropriate; fitting; becoming
com·pat·i·ble [kuhm-pat-uh-buhl] noun
capable of existing or living together in harmony. something, as a machine or piece of electronic equipment, that is designed to perform the same tasks as another, often in the same way and using virtually identical parts, programmed instructions
chaiyen's dictionary
compatibility = two very similar people for eg VW or NM, be it family background, education, experience in life, interest and almost everything. their thoughts and choices are mostly alike making them feel that they can live with each other forever. to many they are like perfect couple because they see one in the other. they work together as a peaceful partner. they love each other like that phrase "i find it so easy to love you."
movies eg: my best friend's wedding
suitability = two very different people for eg AV or Pd that falls nicely together with each other. they always have a different views of things, this helps two of them learn to see a bigger picture. in long term, they will begin to be more and more like each other but for the better. i believe they bring out the best of each other. they work together as a wholesome partner. they love each other like that phrase "i don't know why i love you, but i do."
movies eg: jerry macquire, nathan and haley in one tree hill
---
this second series of word study is discussed on the same day as the first. i blog it separately so that you can have time to ponder on it. i believe you can fall in love with either one. there is no right and wrong. it does take quite a bit to work out the latter though because the differences make it looks almost impossible. but i guess that is when the phrase comes in so aptly "you complete me".
suit·a·ble [soo-tuh-buhl] adjective
such as to suit; appropriate; fitting; becoming
com·pat·i·ble [kuhm-pat-uh-buhl] noun
capable of existing or living together in harmony. something, as a machine or piece of electronic equipment, that is designed to perform the same tasks as another, often in the same way and using virtually identical parts, programmed instructions
chaiyen's dictionary
compatibility = two very similar people for eg VW or NM, be it family background, education, experience in life, interest and almost everything. their thoughts and choices are mostly alike making them feel that they can live with each other forever. to many they are like perfect couple because they see one in the other. they work together as a peaceful partner. they love each other like that phrase "i find it so easy to love you."
movies eg: my best friend's wedding
suitability = two very different people for eg AV or Pd that falls nicely together with each other. they always have a different views of things, this helps two of them learn to see a bigger picture. in long term, they will begin to be more and more like each other but for the better. i believe they bring out the best of each other. they work together as a wholesome partner. they love each other like that phrase "i don't know why i love you, but i do."
movies eg: jerry macquire, nathan and haley in one tree hill
---
this second series of word study is discussed on the same day as the first. i blog it separately so that you can have time to ponder on it. i believe you can fall in love with either one. there is no right and wrong. it does take quite a bit to work out the latter though because the differences make it looks almost impossible. but i guess that is when the phrase comes in so aptly "you complete me".
Sunday, February 04, 2007
word study 1: romantic
ro·man·tic [roh-man-tik] adjective
to her:
doing something out of a norm to express your love for her. can be small little things like an sms in the middle of the day.
to him:
going to the extreme length to do something that may seems impractical to a guy just to fulfill the childhood fantasy of a girl. just by doing that, to a guy it doesn't make him feel that he cares any more for a girl.
why do guys never bother to be that romantic guy
myth 1: because they think that small little things are not in the bracket of romantic. so they drop it. they think that girls don't notice and won't appreciate small things like that.
myth 2: because to them to plan something romantic takes effort and extreme is difficult. so it takes them quite a while to plan them. and a while took too long and they forgetten about it.
myth 3: they don't think that it is necessary to be continuously romantic. after one year of relationship, you ought to know he loves you.
the truth is girls
1. just want to know that someone care for them.
2. just want to see some action to the 'i love you'.
3. just want to know that someone think of them.
i never understand why guys hate that word romantic and girls love it. now i know... they have a different understanding of it. today i care to find out from a guy, actually i pleaded him to tell me. sometimes i wonder why they never want to help us understand them. i hope this entry help you girls understand why they always think it is too much to ask for. i mean it makes sense. but i hope it clarifies to guys what we girls mean as well, we weren't asking for the moon probably just the moonlight. it is only outside my house.
i have to say i was pretty hurt when i tried explaining once to a guy and all he said is "don't say it is just the small things you wanted, it is all the same things." it does make us girls a bit shallow. as if we are not mature enough to handle this thing call love, like we need the pills of romantic to fix us. to be fair, this blog entry has at least half of those small little things. let me count 3, 4, 6, 11, 12, 13, 16, 17, 19, 20. ok i even removed no. 8, considering probably making your way to my house require quite an effort. is that really too much to ask for? if all these mean a lot because you are just my fix for my insecurity. woe to me... i am such an insecure woman, that i need you to tell me i am beautiful. we are made this way. why don't you think, just like you want us to say "you are the man" "i believe in you", we just want to hear "i love you" says differently. when we see the romantic act, trust us we smile because it is from you not because it is from any other person.
---
i watched a very romantic movie, the notebook. it reminds me of 50 first dates. does such love exist? a man reminding a girl everyday that he still loves her. why would he bother since she can't remember it the next day? i guess it means a lot everytime for him to let her know he loves her.
to her:
doing something out of a norm to express your love for her. can be small little things like an sms in the middle of the day.
to him:
going to the extreme length to do something that may seems impractical to a guy just to fulfill the childhood fantasy of a girl. just by doing that, to a guy it doesn't make him feel that he cares any more for a girl.
why do guys never bother to be that romantic guy
myth 1: because they think that small little things are not in the bracket of romantic. so they drop it. they think that girls don't notice and won't appreciate small things like that.
myth 2: because to them to plan something romantic takes effort and extreme is difficult. so it takes them quite a while to plan them. and a while took too long and they forgetten about it.
myth 3: they don't think that it is necessary to be continuously romantic. after one year of relationship, you ought to know he loves you.
the truth is girls
1. just want to know that someone care for them.
2. just want to see some action to the 'i love you'.
3. just want to know that someone think of them.
i never understand why guys hate that word romantic and girls love it. now i know... they have a different understanding of it. today i care to find out from a guy, actually i pleaded him to tell me. sometimes i wonder why they never want to help us understand them. i hope this entry help you girls understand why they always think it is too much to ask for. i mean it makes sense. but i hope it clarifies to guys what we girls mean as well, we weren't asking for the moon probably just the moonlight. it is only outside my house.
i have to say i was pretty hurt when i tried explaining once to a guy and all he said is "don't say it is just the small things you wanted, it is all the same things." it does make us girls a bit shallow. as if we are not mature enough to handle this thing call love, like we need the pills of romantic to fix us. to be fair, this blog entry has at least half of those small little things. let me count 3, 4, 6, 11, 12, 13, 16, 17, 19, 20. ok i even removed no. 8, considering probably making your way to my house require quite an effort. is that really too much to ask for? if all these mean a lot because you are just my fix for my insecurity. woe to me... i am such an insecure woman, that i need you to tell me i am beautiful. we are made this way. why don't you think, just like you want us to say "you are the man" "i believe in you", we just want to hear "i love you" says differently. when we see the romantic act, trust us we smile because it is from you not because it is from any other person.
---
i watched a very romantic movie, the notebook. it reminds me of 50 first dates. does such love exist? a man reminding a girl everyday that he still loves her. why would he bother since she can't remember it the next day? i guess it means a lot everytime for him to let her know he loves her.
thinking about you
1. i didn't know i need internet so much. the last few days, i kept thinking of what i want to blog. anyway, i run out of things to do at home and i started on a new series.
2. a girl came up to me after church on friday. "are you chaiyen?". "and ur... (because i don't think i know her)". "hi, my name is m... i read you blog". if someone is introduce to me and she recognises my name that is a wow. but someone saw me on the street and asked me if i am chaiyen, that is a double wow. i think i am famous now or i had just post too much of my photos recently. i think i need to stop. in case i get some stalker like peyton's drama and i won't be that lucky to have a lucas that is there for me all the time. opps did i leak something?
3. this guy i have to say is very, very nice. i need to credit him here even though he doesn't want his name to be mentioned. as usual in singapore i always have ppl sending me home. on friday, i am about to take my public transport back but it was too late to catch the last train. so i took a bus back to the the west with him. the last stop is in front of his place. you won't believe what he did, he companied me to take another bus that past by my area. we are still quite a distance and he walked me home. when he reached my place honestly i really dunno how he find his way home. i can only say, it was a really nice long talk. i wonder why we never take a cab but i'm glad we didn't. yes, if i had not told you this. it had been freaking cold in singapore, come to think about it... it was in bangkok too. what's wrong with kl huh? i really enjoy walking at night but of course it is a bit dangerous for a girl to do that alone, kind of glad he was there yesterday. and he said "why aren't there girls that like to walk with me like you here."
one remarkable on from him:
y: you need to sell your car so that you will have more chance with guys in kl. then they can sent you home.
cy: that is a brilliant idea.
y: oh no, don't sell the car. give me the car :)
Thursday, February 01, 2007
i'd rather
by Luther Vandross
I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart
Chorus:
I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah
And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection they were all lies, all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart
(Repeat Chorus)
I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you
I can only prove the things I say with time
please be mine,
I'd rather have bad times with (please be mine) you
than good times with someone else (I know)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (anytime)
than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I'd rather have hard times together
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)
I'd rather have bad times with you (surely)
than good times with someone else (surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah)
than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together
than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo... who holds my heart
---
argh i enjoy travelling alone on the mrt, listening to class 95. heard that song up there. thought there is something really deep in that song. playing it again and again on my itunes now and thinking why would someone sing something like that. am sitting in holland v taking coffee, surfing the net. btw i will be bringing home a new macbook and i just found out i will be earning what i did not last year. ok i am happy. but for now i am broke till i am done with the job.
I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart
Chorus:
I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah
And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection they were all lies, all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart
(Repeat Chorus)
I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you
I can only prove the things I say with time
please be mine,
I'd rather have bad times with (please be mine) you
than good times with someone else (I know)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (anytime)
than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I'd rather have hard times together
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)
I'd rather have bad times with you (surely)
than good times with someone else (surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah)
than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together
than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo... who holds my heart
---
argh i enjoy travelling alone on the mrt, listening to class 95. heard that song up there. thought there is something really deep in that song. playing it again and again on my itunes now and thinking why would someone sing something like that. am sitting in holland v taking coffee, surfing the net. btw i will be bringing home a new macbook and i just found out i will be earning what i did not last year. ok i am happy. but for now i am broke till i am done with the job.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
i am here
i didn't sleep.
i was hungry so i drank a packet of fresh milk.
i left my house at 6am.
i sang and i keep my brain working to keep myself awake.
i stopped at the first pit stop for loo and some stretching.
i am too tired i need to stop at the next pit stop to get a can of coffee.
i called a friend at 8.30 to keep myself awake.
i arrived safely, even though i was quite freak out by the two big truck accidents on the road. i actually bother to think of who i want to call and what i want to say. come to think about it, life might be more interesting if it is short :)
it wasn't such a long journey. i really enjoyed the sunrise. it was beautiful. a familiar route, a different journey.
i was hungry so i drank a packet of fresh milk.
i left my house at 6am.
i sang and i keep my brain working to keep myself awake.
i stopped at the first pit stop for loo and some stretching.
i am too tired i need to stop at the next pit stop to get a can of coffee.
i called a friend at 8.30 to keep myself awake.
i arrived safely, even though i was quite freak out by the two big truck accidents on the road. i actually bother to think of who i want to call and what i want to say. come to think about it, life might be more interesting if it is short :)
it wasn't such a long journey. i really enjoyed the sunrise. it was beautiful. a familiar route, a different journey.
hear my heart
i should be sleeping now, but a very large part of me didn't want to sleep.
i want to write something, not that i know exactly what but i have so much in my heart i want to share.
i felt that i share so much of His burden and am so close to God at this moment, yet i feel very lonely at the same time.
i am going only for two weeks plus, it seems so heavy to leave yet i want so much to leave.
i am looking forward for the long drive later, it seems like it had been quite a while since i last have some time all by myself.
---
a lot had happened the last few days:
1. steph had been coming to church with me for 2 months. i told myself i didn't want her to accept God because she is emotionally down. i want her to reason and think through it. it had been quite a while and i wanted to be very sure before i go. today i can be very sure, steph and her bf are now part of our family.
i can't tell you how touched i am talking to God in the morning before i meet them. as i went through with them the whole message. i find myself in such gratefulness and awe, i am ever more convinced of the message i hold on to. God will answer my prayer, He has die for my sins, He loves me whether or not i am a believer. but i become a Christian so that i may know that. that knowing make a great load of difference.
this morning i ask you, do you still remember the one you believe and this great message?
2. someone find me worthy to know his deepest darkest secrets. he shared with me what he didn't need to. my word to him is "no, i don't think of you any less. in fact i really look up to ppl who have the courage to share with me their real self."
i guess that is what i always wanted to see. that after all that i share, ppl will not be fearful to be who they are. i am beginning to see because i am not perfect, it allows ppl that are not perfect like me to open themselves to me. i can only say, today i saw someone being liberated. because both of us can come before God in our weaknesses.
today if you are tired of keeping things to yourself, you know you have me :)
3. "i know a lot of ppl don't really like him. but i really see a lot in him." since the day i met this person. God has change how i look at every person that walk pass my life. i know not everyone will believe i feel this way for them, and i know even that person himself don't. i actually believe that there is some good left in dan scott. so it must be true when i say i believe in you.
the good thing about this is, i am at the verge of tears to know the so-much-more and hope that God has for each of us. it is beautiful. the sad thing is, it really aches my heart when i know that the person don't think likewise. i really am not asking for anything when i say this. i can't help feeling this hope for people around me nowadays. anyway, you can take me for what i say or not, but i need to say it just one more time.
i really believe in you and i trust that heart of yours.
there is a secret desire though, i wonder if there is anyone in this world who see the same in me? someone that see this hope that God sees in me? someone that actually trust this heart of mine?
---
i didn't know this entry will take so long. my heart is really heavy right now. i don't think i got the time to sleep... i got to start driving so that i get there before noon.
this is the second time i am driving down alone. the first time i know who and what was waiting for me, this time i am driving down not knowing who and what is waiting for me. somehow i feel that i am driving into a new day. i am not sure you get me but enjoy your day while i enjoy the sun rise in front of me.
i want to write something, not that i know exactly what but i have so much in my heart i want to share.
i felt that i share so much of His burden and am so close to God at this moment, yet i feel very lonely at the same time.
i am going only for two weeks plus, it seems so heavy to leave yet i want so much to leave.
i am looking forward for the long drive later, it seems like it had been quite a while since i last have some time all by myself.
---
a lot had happened the last few days:
1. steph had been coming to church with me for 2 months. i told myself i didn't want her to accept God because she is emotionally down. i want her to reason and think through it. it had been quite a while and i wanted to be very sure before i go. today i can be very sure, steph and her bf are now part of our family.
i can't tell you how touched i am talking to God in the morning before i meet them. as i went through with them the whole message. i find myself in such gratefulness and awe, i am ever more convinced of the message i hold on to. God will answer my prayer, He has die for my sins, He loves me whether or not i am a believer. but i become a Christian so that i may know that. that knowing make a great load of difference.
this morning i ask you, do you still remember the one you believe and this great message?
2. someone find me worthy to know his deepest darkest secrets. he shared with me what he didn't need to. my word to him is "no, i don't think of you any less. in fact i really look up to ppl who have the courage to share with me their real self."
i guess that is what i always wanted to see. that after all that i share, ppl will not be fearful to be who they are. i am beginning to see because i am not perfect, it allows ppl that are not perfect like me to open themselves to me. i can only say, today i saw someone being liberated. because both of us can come before God in our weaknesses.
today if you are tired of keeping things to yourself, you know you have me :)
3. "i know a lot of ppl don't really like him. but i really see a lot in him." since the day i met this person. God has change how i look at every person that walk pass my life. i know not everyone will believe i feel this way for them, and i know even that person himself don't. i actually believe that there is some good left in dan scott. so it must be true when i say i believe in you.
the good thing about this is, i am at the verge of tears to know the so-much-more and hope that God has for each of us. it is beautiful. the sad thing is, it really aches my heart when i know that the person don't think likewise. i really am not asking for anything when i say this. i can't help feeling this hope for people around me nowadays. anyway, you can take me for what i say or not, but i need to say it just one more time.
i really believe in you and i trust that heart of yours.
there is a secret desire though, i wonder if there is anyone in this world who see the same in me? someone that see this hope that God sees in me? someone that actually trust this heart of mine?
---
i didn't know this entry will take so long. my heart is really heavy right now. i don't think i got the time to sleep... i got to start driving so that i get there before noon.
this is the second time i am driving down alone. the first time i know who and what was waiting for me, this time i am driving down not knowing who and what is waiting for me. somehow i feel that i am driving into a new day. i am not sure you get me but enjoy your day while i enjoy the sun rise in front of me.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
someone is watching my back
p: why you never follow us go clubbing anymore?
cy: yah daniel, why you never bring me anymore?
d: erm, she is a good girl. i only bring her for movies and yam cha.
after that question, i made the second attempt to Loft with him again yesterday. yes, i enter the place like a VIP as usual as if i am walking on a red carpet cause this dear friend of mine knows everyone from the bouncers to the managers to the waiters. we sat at the very same table we sat the last time, according to him that table is his every weekend. right in the middle of the night he came over.
d: where did you go just now?
cy: i went to the loo.
d: next time you must tell me where you go. this kind of place is not as simple as you think it is. (ok now i feel like i am 16 years old). and if you don't like those guys touching you, stand away from them.
cy: yes, i already did. (ok now, i need to move even further cause that guy is walking to where i am. let me find a sit at the corner then. this is where it leads to another highlight* of the night)
d: that is why i don't want to bring you go clubbing. i am very worried for you, i need to keep looking out for you. don't think i am not watching, i can see every move of yours and every guy that come close to you.
i haven't even mention, the node i need from him to try the tequila shot, and how he stopped the guy that offered me the second shot. i think have not given him the title in vain. honestly not that he knows i gave him that title, not sure what more he will do if i do. i mean he is more protective of me than a bf hahaha.
---
* another conversation with c. it is him that asked me the question from case 3. yes i did promise not to say i-am-not-ready again. but guess i gave my worst answer yesterday.
c: so why is d not the kind of guy.
cy: just not.
c: why? why? tell me why.
cy: erm... maybe i have someone in mind. (after i said that, i think 'shit'. why did i say that? was i just trying to stop him from asking? arghh whatever. i had said it, i am lazy to revert what i said.)
Friday, January 26, 2007
looking back at the times we shared
looking back to the times we shared,
i was trying to be someone...
i had been singing the two lines since the day i heard it on radio yesterday. i had tried searching from the web and asked a few ppl. i still can't figure out who sang this and what is the title of the song. can anybody help me with this? it is definitely from one of those boy band.
i was trying to be someone...
i had been singing the two lines since the day i heard it on radio yesterday. i had tried searching from the web and asked a few ppl. i still can't figure out who sang this and what is the title of the song. can anybody help me with this? it is definitely from one of those boy band.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
bye sam, i am leaving before you
after this entry i was really thinking hard that night. i need to earn quick money - for my new Macbook, wanderlust, bills and new indulgence. i woke up 6am in the morning and typed a few emails to my contact in singapore.
i was prepared to stay there and packed in as many jobs in the next few months. shirley did asked me to go back to singapore to work last year. she said the new environment will be good for me but i wasn't ready to go. i guess it is true i was holding on to some hope that things might get better if i stay. i was wrong and probably it would had been better if i had not.
anyway these are some of the reasons why i am willing to go now:
1. it makes no different if i am here or not. i talk to ppl mostly on msn. those ppl that i don't meet, they won't notice i am away anyway. at least i feel better that it is not that ppl didn't call, it is they cannot contact me.
2. i am not passionate about the things that brought me back to kl anymore.
3. i kind of miss the thrills of staying up late and working my ass off. being pushed to deliver and staying in the office till late nights. yes call me workacholic... i need to feel young again.
4. sam, my dvd series companion will be leaving for his further studies. steph, my best company is happily attach.
5. ... i want to be lost in that city for a while.
so here is my last week in kl, i am going back to my homeland. will be back probably by chinese new year. sometimes i think i am pretty cool when i make abrupt departure like that.
while most photographers want me to poss for nice pretty photos, i just want to take some wild cool photos haha. yah i think i look cool up there :)
i was prepared to stay there and packed in as many jobs in the next few months. shirley did asked me to go back to singapore to work last year. she said the new environment will be good for me but i wasn't ready to go. i guess it is true i was holding on to some hope that things might get better if i stay. i was wrong and probably it would had been better if i had not.
anyway these are some of the reasons why i am willing to go now:
1. it makes no different if i am here or not. i talk to ppl mostly on msn. those ppl that i don't meet, they won't notice i am away anyway. at least i feel better that it is not that ppl didn't call, it is they cannot contact me.
2. i am not passionate about the things that brought me back to kl anymore.
3. i kind of miss the thrills of staying up late and working my ass off. being pushed to deliver and staying in the office till late nights. yes call me workacholic... i need to feel young again.
4. sam, my dvd series companion will be leaving for his further studies. steph, my best company is happily attach.
5. ... i want to be lost in that city for a while.
so here is my last week in kl, i am going back to my homeland. will be back probably by chinese new year. sometimes i think i am pretty cool when i make abrupt departure like that.
while most photographers want me to poss for nice pretty photos, i just want to take some wild cool photos haha. yah i think i look cool up there :)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
phÃlos: friend, or lover and sophÃa: wisdom
i paint this during my second semester in college.
why am i studying greeks philosophy? probably i am searching for the logos (word) which also mean knowledge, wisdom, reason, logic... just like what the greek philosophers were doing in their days.
In the beginning was the Word, the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
He was in the beginning with God.
All things was made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made...
that we may know that the creation was not just a splash of beautiful accidents. it was done with much thoughts and calculation. don't even start to think that we found some new wisdom or new methods now. He has been here since the beginning.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us...
He is not just a great idea but He became flesh that we may know as well that it is not just an airy fairy thing but He is here.
just because we heard that it is a mystery and not seek to understand, that is ignorance.
with much of that we will no longer know what we believe in.
with much search and study if we still could not comprehend.
that is when it leaves us in awe of God, without searching we will never come to this point.
---
we women are not asking that you understand us but we love it when you want to know us :)
Sunday, January 21, 2007
hope
maybe dan scott does love both his sons.
maybe rachel is just too insecure.
maybe peyton really didn't betray her.
maybe lucas does want her back.
ok... or maybe not. ppl are just all selfish. maybe they will never change.
the problem with always believing in the good of ppl is, you open your heart and allow ppl another chance to disappoint you again. the pain is going to be more painful because you will scold yourself for being so stupid to be fooled again. a lot of ppl rather stay on the safe side. but what is the hope we live on for if we don't believe. i mean we ourselves are living everyday on second chance. after all the evil things he had done again and again after 3 season of One Tree Hill, i still actually believe that maybe dan scott really do want to make things right in his life. call me crazy or stupid. the 22 episodes seem so short, i wished that our life issues can be dealt with in four days like the speed that i watched them.
---
on the other hand, the relationships issues become so petty in compare to jack bauer saving america again. he had never failed anyone in the 5 seasons. he always delivers. that is why ppl put their lives, careers and families at stake to support his decisions each time. sometimes you wonder is there someone in this world that you trust so much? the 4 episodes seem so long, you feel that there is a lot you can do in a day and every decision you make in the second is critical.
maybe rachel is just too insecure.
maybe peyton really didn't betray her.
maybe lucas does want her back.
ok... or maybe not. ppl are just all selfish. maybe they will never change.
the problem with always believing in the good of ppl is, you open your heart and allow ppl another chance to disappoint you again. the pain is going to be more painful because you will scold yourself for being so stupid to be fooled again. a lot of ppl rather stay on the safe side. but what is the hope we live on for if we don't believe. i mean we ourselves are living everyday on second chance. after all the evil things he had done again and again after 3 season of One Tree Hill, i still actually believe that maybe dan scott really do want to make things right in his life. call me crazy or stupid. the 22 episodes seem so short, i wished that our life issues can be dealt with in four days like the speed that i watched them.
---
on the other hand, the relationships issues become so petty in compare to jack bauer saving america again. he had never failed anyone in the 5 seasons. he always delivers. that is why ppl put their lives, careers and families at stake to support his decisions each time. sometimes you wonder is there someone in this world that you trust so much? the 4 episodes seem so long, you feel that there is a lot you can do in a day and every decision you make in the second is critical.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
rising above our fear
"we might had failed the test but we don't need a paper test to tell us how much we love each other. we might have our differences but you must know we both fought very hard for our relationship to work and i think that is because we love each other." nathan the man
x: sometimes i look at past relationships and why they broke down, sorta also realised that at that break down point, i didn't have the maturity to handle the situation and prolly wasn't ready to deal w such scenarios in a relationship
cy: we will all never be ready. after my 4th bf, i was single for 4-5 years. i kind of think i can do that again. i don't want to go through the pain again, don't want to feel... but i told myself if the next guy come around, i cannot allow this fear to stop me. in life we will always have issues thus we will never be ready. we just need someone that will come along that want to deal on these issues with us. our whole marriage is about that.
for example, i have the fear of writing because i do not have a good command of the language and all the current miscommunication doesn't help. when i started this blog i didn't really expect everyone to read everything i write. i mean my words are all over the place, it might be too long and bad grammars that might be disturbing to some. i am still editing my post post every now and then but since i started blogging, i gained back the confidence to share and write. today, i am really quite proud of myself when you guys tell me you like to read them. life is not about hiding your weaknesses and doing what you are good at so that you feel all good about yourself. life is more than that, it is about being free from this fear that so often grip you. i hate to say this: but things you don't like about your life, it always come back again and again until you rise up and deal with it.
---
i took four days to finish my One Tree Hill - Season Three. i am very please with the ending, not sure is it because they all do not just move around changing partners to get their problem solve like any other movies but they know who they love and they fixed it. might be afraid to watch Season Four though, what if all the relationships fall apart again. but come to think about it, an unsuccessful courtship is not a failure but undealt with issues are. i will watch on because i have faith in this director, One Tree Hill is all about resolving issues in life and it will be a happy ending whether or not the couples stick together. it is about having that peace with all those around you and i think it will not fail me.
x: sometimes i look at past relationships and why they broke down, sorta also realised that at that break down point, i didn't have the maturity to handle the situation and prolly wasn't ready to deal w such scenarios in a relationship
cy: we will all never be ready. after my 4th bf, i was single for 4-5 years. i kind of think i can do that again. i don't want to go through the pain again, don't want to feel... but i told myself if the next guy come around, i cannot allow this fear to stop me. in life we will always have issues thus we will never be ready. we just need someone that will come along that want to deal on these issues with us. our whole marriage is about that.
for example, i have the fear of writing because i do not have a good command of the language and all the current miscommunication doesn't help. when i started this blog i didn't really expect everyone to read everything i write. i mean my words are all over the place, it might be too long and bad grammars that might be disturbing to some. i am still editing my post post every now and then but since i started blogging, i gained back the confidence to share and write. today, i am really quite proud of myself when you guys tell me you like to read them. life is not about hiding your weaknesses and doing what you are good at so that you feel all good about yourself. life is more than that, it is about being free from this fear that so often grip you. i hate to say this: but things you don't like about your life, it always come back again and again until you rise up and deal with it.
---
i took four days to finish my One Tree Hill - Season Three. i am very please with the ending, not sure is it because they all do not just move around changing partners to get their problem solve like any other movies but they know who they love and they fixed it. might be afraid to watch Season Four though, what if all the relationships fall apart again. but come to think about it, an unsuccessful courtship is not a failure but undealt with issues are. i will watch on because i have faith in this director, One Tree Hill is all about resolving issues in life and it will be a happy ending whether or not the couples stick together. it is about having that peace with all those around you and i think it will not fail me.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
sometimes it is better not to know the numbers
i was doing my accounts to file my income tax and i don't like what i found out. for 2006 i made:
RM10,000
less than last year
and it was not good i was spending much more than before. how did i do that?
- travelled more
- signed up for gym and spa
- indulged for liquor
---
someone told me a month after her break up, she said it is expensive. i didn't think much about it. should had gone for an europe trip. then again, not that i have more savings in 2005. so whatever.
RM10,000
less than last year
and it was not good i was spending much more than before. how did i do that?
- travelled more
- signed up for gym and spa
- indulged for liquor
---
someone told me a month after her break up, she said it is expensive. i didn't think much about it. should had gone for an europe trip. then again, not that i have more savings in 2005. so whatever.
the thrills continue
just a few things:
1. i like brooke really a lot. she is such a girl. i still don't understand why is it so difficult to understand a girl? they are just so simple.
2. too many good one liners. looks like the girls are all those that fight for the relationship this season. the guys are really cool with some of the behind the scene things but they really need to learn to speak up.
3. now... we are only half way there. everyone is together again. yes all the miscommunication are settled. i am so happy for all of them but this is not good. i mean if they are not together yet, there will be chance they will get back together. but if they are already together there might be chance they will not be at the end.
who cares.
someone once said, do not let the past torment you because it is no longer here or the future worries you because it is not here yet. enjoy every moment you have now while it is still here.
---
day 2 - and i am done with 11 episode. yah i am watching it with very a free person like me.
Monday, January 15, 2007
i want to know you
i know i had ask this before. i had tried once and again. but i am going give this one last try. i really want to know you who is reading this blog. it will be really nice if you could:
- leave your name or nick. you can leave your link too if you want
- tell me what you do for a living
- mention where you are from
- what you like to read on my blog MOST?
1. bgr: boy girl relationship real issues, love philosophy and theories
2. reflection: things i see and how i relate it with my life
3. confession: my struggle and transparency of life
4. His voice: my devotion and how i relate it with my life
5. to know how i am
6. everything... you really really cannot choose one (fine! but guess i am fine then... i wasn't too depressing. ppl loves it)
7. ... (fill in the blanks)
i really want to know because a lot of ppl told me that my blog is very depressing and i talk a lot about love. but then again those are the entries that cause a lot of you to come back and read it isn't it? btw i had always been writing for ppl to read that some may understand. in a way i was writing the heart of many unspoken hearts. i had been really honest with you, i had spilled my life to you. i just wish that you tell me a little about what you think.
---
my faithful reader. will be updating this list:
1. dejelly, chaiyen's blog reader, pj, 1
2. fay, coffeenator, kl, 6
3. shups!, non-profit work, singapore, 6 and 'generally kaypoh'.
4. paolin, blog reader, perth, 3
5. sam, business student, soontobe sydney, 6 specially the third.
6. anobech, mum, melbourne, 5 and pat
7. anna, *, kl, 5
8. steph, *, sj, 5 and know about herself
9. sharon, lawyer, singapore, 5
10. teddyguy, *, *, 2
11. martin, art director, kl, 3
12. yanlin, *, singapore, *
13. steph sung, contract specialist, singapore, 5
14. tze teng, business student, kl, because it is about you
15. tracie, housewife, taiwan, *
16. felix, biz student/freelance jingle composer/guitar teacher, KL, 6
17. jon, ChaiYen's blog reader and my blog reader is ChaiYen, Taiping currently in KL, 1 and 3
18. elaine, the mysterious muddling maze of media, singapore, 5 and do not like no 1
19. shirley and howe, *, singapore, we love you
20. pauleon, dr-to-be, from KL to Singapore, 6
* = haven't answer the question
honestly i have an average of 70 hits a day. to do the maths they are at least 20-30 ppl visiting my blog. why do they not want me or other ppl know that they are reading my blog. still thinking... had been thinking for a while.
- leave your name or nick. you can leave your link too if you want
- tell me what you do for a living
- mention where you are from
- what you like to read on my blog MOST?
1. bgr: boy girl relationship real issues, love philosophy and theories
2. reflection: things i see and how i relate it with my life
3. confession: my struggle and transparency of life
4. His voice: my devotion and how i relate it with my life
5. to know how i am
6. everything... you really really cannot choose one (fine! but guess i am fine then... i wasn't too depressing. ppl loves it)
7. ... (fill in the blanks)
i really want to know because a lot of ppl told me that my blog is very depressing and i talk a lot about love. but then again those are the entries that cause a lot of you to come back and read it isn't it? btw i had always been writing for ppl to read that some may understand. in a way i was writing the heart of many unspoken hearts. i had been really honest with you, i had spilled my life to you. i just wish that you tell me a little about what you think.
---
my faithful reader. will be updating this list:
1. dejelly, chaiyen's blog reader, pj, 1
2. fay, coffeenator, kl, 6
3. shups!, non-profit work, singapore, 6 and 'generally kaypoh'.
4. paolin, blog reader, perth, 3
5. sam, business student, soontobe sydney, 6 specially the third.
6. anobech, mum, melbourne, 5 and pat
7. anna, *, kl, 5
8. steph, *, sj, 5 and know about herself
9. sharon, lawyer, singapore, 5
10. teddyguy, *, *, 2
11. martin, art director, kl, 3
12. yanlin, *, singapore, *
13. steph sung, contract specialist, singapore, 5
14. tze teng, business student, kl, because it is about you
15. tracie, housewife, taiwan, *
16. felix, biz student/freelance jingle composer/guitar teacher, KL, 6
17. jon, ChaiYen's blog reader and my blog reader is ChaiYen, Taiping currently in KL, 1 and 3
18. elaine, the mysterious muddling maze of media, singapore, 5 and do not like no 1
19. shirley and howe, *, singapore, we love you
20. pauleon, dr-to-be, from KL to Singapore, 6
* = haven't answer the question
honestly i have an average of 70 hits a day. to do the maths they are at least 20-30 ppl visiting my blog. why do they not want me or other ppl know that they are reading my blog. still thinking... had been thinking for a while.
emotional thrills
someone ask me this:
you like feeling the pain don't you? so that you can still feel yourself. that is why you don't want to let go and make yourself go through this.
i really dunno, i really like watching all these drama series. go through the emotional roller coaster. cry and cry till i need to drink a big gulp of water to breathe properly again. and yes i am doing it again. welcome to a whole new season of crying. i just did 6 cds in one sitting of one tree hill - season 3. i really like this series a lot because it shows the good in every person. the real struggles in each of their heart.
she loves him and is willing to lose herself to have him.
he loves her and want her to find herself than to be with her.
she loves him but she flirts with loads of guys so that he will fight for her.
he loves her but played her game to make her jealous to know that she loves him.
hmm... why can't ppl just sit down and deliver what their heartfelt really is. it is one big mess when you keep guessing each other intention. but then again i guess without stories like that you won't have drama series anymore.
you like feeling the pain don't you? so that you can still feel yourself. that is why you don't want to let go and make yourself go through this.
i really dunno, i really like watching all these drama series. go through the emotional roller coaster. cry and cry till i need to drink a big gulp of water to breathe properly again. and yes i am doing it again. welcome to a whole new season of crying. i just did 6 cds in one sitting of one tree hill - season 3. i really like this series a lot because it shows the good in every person. the real struggles in each of their heart.
she loves him and is willing to lose herself to have him.
he loves her and want her to find herself than to be with her.
she loves him but she flirts with loads of guys so that he will fight for her.
he loves her but played her game to make her jealous to know that she loves him.
hmm... why can't ppl just sit down and deliver what their heartfelt really is. it is one big mess when you keep guessing each other intention. but then again i guess without stories like that you won't have drama series anymore.
Friday, January 12, 2007
let me bring you behind the camera
there are a few things i need to clarify here about my writing.
1. if you have known me long enough, i do always talk about relationship. i mean ask alvin? what is my favourite question even when i was attached. it has nothing to do with him.
2. regarding the blog entry i cried two nights out of 3. i cried more because my friends didn't understand me. remember i cry easily and in this case, point #4, #5 and #9 triggers it. it is not all about him.
3. and finally if this is what you want to know. i am not sure if i am totally over him because for goodness sake i had not interact with him for ages. after i become friends with him again, i'll tell you.
---
sorry like i said. i don't like to be misunderstood thus i need to clarify. i am very bad at communication and i do always leave room for ppl to get me wrong but at least i am always sharing with you how i feel. and to him, sorry for picking of you so many times in this entry. it has nothing to do with you hehe. man i think i am getting pretty cute. there is something about the freedom of writing.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
great love
love will be over in 2 months.
big love can grow to 2 years.
great love they change your life.
go for it, your odds go up when you file an application.
---
when great love is rejected. something in a man dies. all he can do is run away where he can find a girl he can love second most.
from the movie Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!
big love can grow to 2 years.
great love they change your life.
go for it, your odds go up when you file an application.
---
when great love is rejected. something in a man dies. all he can do is run away where he can find a girl he can love second most.
from the movie Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
i can't start my engine for 2007
what had i done the whole week:
had been reading the Philosophy for Understanding Theology book by Diogenes Allen.
- i have to say it does really open my eyes to many things. a lot of unlearning to do. made me really humble not to grasp God fully. but i am not giving up, need to have a discipline of theology.
- Ron Choong my si fuh said this when we were doing our skype sessions with him
we are not proclaiming because we understand what we proclaimed
we are proclaiming what God said
we are learning to understand what we proclaimed
don't stop proclaiming, don't stop understanding
watched A Night in the Museum for 3 times.
- the third time i watched the movie, the guy asked me this "so you watched the show 3 times with 3 different guy?". "ermm, tehnically you are right, but the second time i watched it with a group of ppl". the first time i was helping him kill time, the second time they got extra ticket and i was bored, the third time i just wanted to keep him company. but most important of all, i never pay for any of the tickets :)
sleep and really sleep.
- i used to tell ppl when i was younger my hobby (something i do when i am free) is to sleep. i had been sleeping till my little sis leaves for her afternoon school. i had been taking afternoon naps in between and before my dinner. well i think reading that philosophy book does the magic, i mean that book is heavy... i need to read every sentence and paragraph again.
honestly it is not because i got nothing to do, i've got work pilling up:
1. i need to close my 2006 accounts for income tax
2. i need to backup all my work for 2006 and label them
3. i need to update my website
4. i need to look for new jobs to clear my next month bills
alternatively...
like someone puts it, i need to work on my big project: find a husband
had been reading the Philosophy for Understanding Theology book by Diogenes Allen.
- i have to say it does really open my eyes to many things. a lot of unlearning to do. made me really humble not to grasp God fully. but i am not giving up, need to have a discipline of theology.
- Ron Choong my si fuh said this when we were doing our skype sessions with him
we are not proclaiming because we understand what we proclaimed
we are proclaiming what God said
we are learning to understand what we proclaimed
don't stop proclaiming, don't stop understanding
watched A Night in the Museum for 3 times.
- the third time i watched the movie, the guy asked me this "so you watched the show 3 times with 3 different guy?". "ermm, tehnically you are right, but the second time i watched it with a group of ppl". the first time i was helping him kill time, the second time they got extra ticket and i was bored, the third time i just wanted to keep him company. but most important of all, i never pay for any of the tickets :)
sleep and really sleep.
- i used to tell ppl when i was younger my hobby (something i do when i am free) is to sleep. i had been sleeping till my little sis leaves for her afternoon school. i had been taking afternoon naps in between and before my dinner. well i think reading that philosophy book does the magic, i mean that book is heavy... i need to read every sentence and paragraph again.
honestly it is not because i got nothing to do, i've got work pilling up:
1. i need to close my 2006 accounts for income tax
2. i need to backup all my work for 2006 and label them
3. i need to update my website
4. i need to look for new jobs to clear my next month bills
alternatively...
like someone puts it, i need to work on my big project: find a husband
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
hello
i cannot believe he* called. after one whole day, a lot of things ran through my mind. as i sit here and type this, i still don't believe he called.
why didn't he call me earlier? i wanted so much to talk to him 4 months ago. i know that we can salvage the relationship then. i was on his side but now i don't know anymore. a lot of things had change.
why is he so desperate now? is it true that guys like to fight for girl that belongs to someone else? they don't really know what they really want when she is by your side, right?
why does he want to do changes only when he gets a hint he has a chance? i am so not going to tell him. can't you let go anything for the one you claim you really love? can you not just fight for her or at least show some sincerity that she is the one you want for the rest of your life?
© All rights reserved. photograph by anna.
*he = the ex bf of a friend
now all 4 of you need to sit down and think properly
1. he needs to know whether he really likes her or the other girl. you do not married someone just to patch things up.
2. she needs to know who she really love. being with the new him does not mean that you are being fair to him. love is not charity, that is why i said at many times it is beyond commitment. the latter him do not want to be your second choice, think properly who is your first choice.
3. his new girl need to decide if the guy really loves her. only she can tell. why hold on to a man whose heart is not yours?
4. to you, whatever reason you choose to start this relationship in the first place? you know there will be a storm, now is the real test. just know that whatever the outcome is... it is for the best.
sometimes we ask is relationship complicated or we complicate relationship. why don't you guys resolve things when there were much simpler? sigh. these was the route you chose to take. the next decision will lead you to quite another journey. all the best to all four of you.
she needs to know:
- i am not on anyone side. the choice is ultimately yours. i will stand by you no matter what your decision is.
- i didn't tell him* to give up or go for it eventhough i was very tempted to do so. i had learned not to intrude another person relationship. i will let both of you sort things out yourselves.
for you:
- i told him, you are a nice guy.
- if you really love her, do what you need to do.
---
all the text above are written by permission.
why didn't he call me earlier? i wanted so much to talk to him 4 months ago. i know that we can salvage the relationship then. i was on his side but now i don't know anymore. a lot of things had change.
why is he so desperate now? is it true that guys like to fight for girl that belongs to someone else? they don't really know what they really want when she is by your side, right?
why does he want to do changes only when he gets a hint he has a chance? i am so not going to tell him. can't you let go anything for the one you claim you really love? can you not just fight for her or at least show some sincerity that she is the one you want for the rest of your life?
© All rights reserved. photograph by anna.
*he = the ex bf of a friend
now all 4 of you need to sit down and think properly
1. he needs to know whether he really likes her or the other girl. you do not married someone just to patch things up.
2. she needs to know who she really love. being with the new him does not mean that you are being fair to him. love is not charity, that is why i said at many times it is beyond commitment. the latter him do not want to be your second choice, think properly who is your first choice.
3. his new girl need to decide if the guy really loves her. only she can tell. why hold on to a man whose heart is not yours?
4. to you, whatever reason you choose to start this relationship in the first place? you know there will be a storm, now is the real test. just know that whatever the outcome is... it is for the best.
sometimes we ask is relationship complicated or we complicate relationship. why don't you guys resolve things when there were much simpler? sigh. these was the route you chose to take. the next decision will lead you to quite another journey. all the best to all four of you.
she needs to know:
- i am not on anyone side. the choice is ultimately yours. i will stand by you no matter what your decision is.
- i didn't tell him* to give up or go for it eventhough i was very tempted to do so. i had learned not to intrude another person relationship. i will let both of you sort things out yourselves.
for you:
- i told him, you are a nice guy.
- if you really love her, do what you need to do.
---
all the text above are written by permission.
Monday, January 08, 2007
a lesson to start the year
i was at poppy on new year's eve with my cousin's friends. dancing, drinking and counting down as usual. the normal night scene except that ppl are more active tonight than any other nights. i was sitting at one corner just observing the ppl around me, i saw ppl one by one fell around me because they were too drunk to walk. i saw guys dancing crazily and slowly made their ways close to girls to take advantage of them. but above all, this is the most captivating scene--i saw the whole process of a guy picked up a total stranger from the next table. they drank, they cheers, they laughed, they intro, they talked, they danced, their hugged, their hands all over each other, they kissed. i couldn't believe it. everyone eyes were on them. everyone is signalling to each other "free show". of course i do not need to think was the guy thinking. i was just thinking what was she thinking?
did she want to show people she is attractive and sexy? so lucky of that guy that managed to make his way to her tonight? or she is just aroused tonight, since we both need it. we can do a quick fix now.
anyway he was too drunk to talk to her later, he just sat there in pain while she goes back to her group. they didn't even get each other contact... so that's it huh? i have to say i think this is worst than a player. this is really getting a prostitute for a night isn't it? anyway, i heard that things like that happened all the time but this is the first time i see it right before my eyes. honestly i still cannot believe it.
the question to myself is, will i one day actually end up there? i mean how can i be in the world and not of the world? how do i spent my time with my friends and not be part of that cultural?
For since the the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their follish hearts were darkened... (romans1.20-21)
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledgee, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things that are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness,... who, knowing the righteous judgement of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.(romans1.28-32)
what is the deciding factor?
the moment i struggle but i accept them and not condemn them that is showing grace.
the moment i struggle but still sin that is asking for mercy.
the moment i no longer struggle but accept all these as normal that is when i approve of it.
the moment i no longer struggle but doing because everyone is doing it that is when i am not apologetic about it.
i do not pray that you should take them out of the world, but that you should keep them from the evil one.. and for their sakes i sanctify myself, for they also may be sanctified by the truth. (john17.15-19)
sanctify = free of sin
if i want to hangout with the wolves i need to be strong in the truth. i am doing the book of romans, desiring to understand the real meaning of salvation in depth and hopefully from there as well grasp how i can be in the world and yet not of the world.
it is just a train of thoughts. for now don't worry hehehe, i am going out with friends that really take care of me... they always make sure how much i can drink, they do not simply put their hands around me and they make sure i get home safely.
did she want to show people she is attractive and sexy? so lucky of that guy that managed to make his way to her tonight? or she is just aroused tonight, since we both need it. we can do a quick fix now.
anyway he was too drunk to talk to her later, he just sat there in pain while she goes back to her group. they didn't even get each other contact... so that's it huh? i have to say i think this is worst than a player. this is really getting a prostitute for a night isn't it? anyway, i heard that things like that happened all the time but this is the first time i see it right before my eyes. honestly i still cannot believe it.
the question to myself is, will i one day actually end up there? i mean how can i be in the world and not of the world? how do i spent my time with my friends and not be part of that cultural?
For since the the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their follish hearts were darkened... (romans1.20-21)
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledgee, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things that are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness,... who, knowing the righteous judgement of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.(romans1.28-32)
what is the deciding factor?
the moment i struggle but i accept them and not condemn them that is showing grace.
the moment i struggle but still sin that is asking for mercy.
the moment i no longer struggle but accept all these as normal that is when i approve of it.
the moment i no longer struggle but doing because everyone is doing it that is when i am not apologetic about it.
i do not pray that you should take them out of the world, but that you should keep them from the evil one.. and for their sakes i sanctify myself, for they also may be sanctified by the truth. (john17.15-19)
sanctify = free of sin
if i want to hangout with the wolves i need to be strong in the truth. i am doing the book of romans, desiring to understand the real meaning of salvation in depth and hopefully from there as well grasp how i can be in the world and yet not of the world.
it is just a train of thoughts. for now don't worry hehehe, i am going out with friends that really take care of me... they always make sure how much i can drink, they do not simply put their hands around me and they make sure i get home safely.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
vanity
© All rights reserved by BluIncMedia.
didn't really like my hairdo but i look alright. for your pleasure :)
Friday, January 05, 2007
the last 12 days
241206
christmas eve. met three new friends from singapore. dinner at williams and countdown at laundry.
251206
after christmas service i went movie with daniel... can't believe he made me meet his parents for lunch but they were pretty cool so i am ok. with my new friends again for dinner at ss2 and luna bar at night. honestly the place is too beautiful. i really wonder why am i there with these two guys i hardly know. i mean i had a great night with them but i will make a trip back again when i find someone special. a place worthy to be shared with someone more than friends.
261206
with my new friends for dinner at dragon i, met more new friends. they bought the january female magazine because i am in it. yes i am in pg131!
271206
a meeting with fei meng. preparation for her wedding.
281206
sat in a office the whole day to print all the paperwork for fei meng's wedding.
291206
met some of my kids at one u. did my free spa manicure, very nice place. quickly packed and rushed to malacca for fei meng's pre wedding dinner.
301206
very fun 'chip san leong' (translation=picking up the bride) ceremony. followed by a whole day of liaising with the hotel and rehersals for dinner. a lot, a lot of yam sengs at night.
311206
john's open house. his friends said his room is the kind of room girls will die to be his gf, i have to agree with that haha. poppy for countdown with my cousin and friends.
010107
angie and ashley's wedding. at a very nice place where i had my fiagra experience.
020107
took a lift from my cousin to singapore. met a lot of ppl for dinner. i am always amazed by the amount of ppl that turned up eventhough it is last minute. welcomed by a beautiful bouquet of flower by steph sung. howe and shirley gave me a lift back, you know it is always a good time to remind me how special i am. found out that i had someone top up my hp credit so that he can call me. stayed over at elaine's place and had a bit more talking with her over the night.
030107
collected my passport. renewed my posb bank book. went to take a look at my cousin's house. bumped into my ex editor while looking for her house so i sat down and had a drink. went to true spa for foot reflex, courtesy of alvin. a meal with him before he gave me a lift to kranji. talk about being a princess for a day you know singapore is the place.
040107
met justin for movie.
---
there must be a reason why my voice is not back yet... too many yam sengs and countdowns. had been playing this song on my itunes again and again since i know it from the preparation for fei meng and chak leong's wedding. you must be wondering why do someone play such a song for a wedding but then again maybe this song has a special meaning to them. of course it is not the key song, just one that caught my attention. they were in a relationship for 10 years before they broke off. he kind of had enough of her but came back because he felt that he can't go on without her so he proposed. she must be tough at times but he loves her. so the wedding was pretty touching for some of us that had seen them together since high school.
for your pleasure, listen to the lyrics line by line :)
here is the lyrics.
christmas eve. met three new friends from singapore. dinner at williams and countdown at laundry.
251206
after christmas service i went movie with daniel... can't believe he made me meet his parents for lunch but they were pretty cool so i am ok. with my new friends again for dinner at ss2 and luna bar at night. honestly the place is too beautiful. i really wonder why am i there with these two guys i hardly know. i mean i had a great night with them but i will make a trip back again when i find someone special. a place worthy to be shared with someone more than friends.
261206
with my new friends for dinner at dragon i, met more new friends. they bought the january female magazine because i am in it. yes i am in pg131!
271206
a meeting with fei meng. preparation for her wedding.
281206
sat in a office the whole day to print all the paperwork for fei meng's wedding.
291206
met some of my kids at one u. did my free spa manicure, very nice place. quickly packed and rushed to malacca for fei meng's pre wedding dinner.
301206
very fun 'chip san leong' (translation=picking up the bride) ceremony. followed by a whole day of liaising with the hotel and rehersals for dinner. a lot, a lot of yam sengs at night.
311206
john's open house. his friends said his room is the kind of room girls will die to be his gf, i have to agree with that haha. poppy for countdown with my cousin and friends.
010107
angie and ashley's wedding. at a very nice place where i had my fiagra experience.
020107
took a lift from my cousin to singapore. met a lot of ppl for dinner. i am always amazed by the amount of ppl that turned up eventhough it is last minute. welcomed by a beautiful bouquet of flower by steph sung. howe and shirley gave me a lift back, you know it is always a good time to remind me how special i am. found out that i had someone top up my hp credit so that he can call me. stayed over at elaine's place and had a bit more talking with her over the night.
030107
collected my passport. renewed my posb bank book. went to take a look at my cousin's house. bumped into my ex editor while looking for her house so i sat down and had a drink. went to true spa for foot reflex, courtesy of alvin. a meal with him before he gave me a lift to kranji. talk about being a princess for a day you know singapore is the place.
040107
met justin for movie.
---
there must be a reason why my voice is not back yet... too many yam sengs and countdowns. had been playing this song on my itunes again and again since i know it from the preparation for fei meng and chak leong's wedding. you must be wondering why do someone play such a song for a wedding but then again maybe this song has a special meaning to them. of course it is not the key song, just one that caught my attention. they were in a relationship for 10 years before they broke off. he kind of had enough of her but came back because he felt that he can't go on without her so he proposed. she must be tough at times but he loves her. so the wedding was pretty touching for some of us that had seen them together since high school.
for your pleasure, listen to the lyrics line by line :)
here is the lyrics.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
credit list 2006
to my complain group, without you i'll die speechless:
chris wee, sam wee, jon ng
to my working partners, to whom labour with me till late night:
chris chew, michelle proctor
to my late nights buddies, without you all my working nights wouldn't be that enjoyable:
edmund kee, robin lai, ying
to my part-time boyfriends, for your company over lunch, dinner and movies. thank you for taking care of me, fetching me around and paying all the bills. with you guys around who needs a boyfriend:
justin, daniel tan
to my family, to whom i know always stand by me and understand me. thanks for showering me with love i never give and making me feel so special all the time:
shirley bong, yong howe, elaine ho, alvin lim, ps lee choo
to my life partners, for sharing your life with me this year:
anna, fei meng, sien lee
and to you:
photo by anna
steph
you had been all the above to me this year. this year had been difficult for both of us when God took away what matters the most to both of us. the fact that i can sit where you sit because i understand how you feel makes me feel that all i went through this year is worthwhile. the thought of all that happened this year leads to your salvation cause me to be at the verge of tears. those words that you echo me touched my heart "no matter what your choice are, i will support you", "we will be here for you", "let's walk thru this journey together". i know they always said it is easier to be just friends than to live together but all the travel trips we had this year cause me to realise that i enjoy living with you.
i know i had told you this but i need to let the whole world know this. if there is a 'best friend award', i will surely give it to you. honestly if i am a man, i think i had found the one i can live with forever. thank you for this year.
---
and to all you out there, do not feel any less. i know if time and space allow us, you will love me as much since i am so lovable.
i was looking for love, not to realise it has always been around me
chris wee, sam wee, jon ng
to my working partners, to whom labour with me till late night:
chris chew, michelle proctor
to my late nights buddies, without you all my working nights wouldn't be that enjoyable:
edmund kee, robin lai, ying
to my part-time boyfriends, for your company over lunch, dinner and movies. thank you for taking care of me, fetching me around and paying all the bills. with you guys around who needs a boyfriend:
justin, daniel tan
to my family, to whom i know always stand by me and understand me. thanks for showering me with love i never give and making me feel so special all the time:
shirley bong, yong howe, elaine ho, alvin lim, ps lee choo
to my life partners, for sharing your life with me this year:
anna, fei meng, sien lee
and to you:
photo by anna
steph
you had been all the above to me this year. this year had been difficult for both of us when God took away what matters the most to both of us. the fact that i can sit where you sit because i understand how you feel makes me feel that all i went through this year is worthwhile. the thought of all that happened this year leads to your salvation cause me to be at the verge of tears. those words that you echo me touched my heart "no matter what your choice are, i will support you", "we will be here for you", "let's walk thru this journey together". i know they always said it is easier to be just friends than to live together but all the travel trips we had this year cause me to realise that i enjoy living with you.
i know i had told you this but i need to let the whole world know this. if there is a 'best friend award', i will surely give it to you. honestly if i am a man, i think i had found the one i can live with forever. thank you for this year.
---
and to all you out there, do not feel any less. i know if time and space allow us, you will love me as much since i am so lovable.
i was looking for love, not to realise it has always been around me
Monday, December 25, 2006
christmas eve
this christmas morning, i can't open my eyes like i used to every morning. my bottom and top eyelashes stuck together, it is scary. i am scared... not only that i lost my voice. then i remembered what happened the night before. so i went and took some water and wet both my eyes slowly to removed the dried liquid around my lashes. i can see again.
it is the first time in my life there are liquid that come out from my right eye. i still had not figure out whether it is because i rubbed my eyes too much, contact lense or they are just too tired. but no kidding the liquid just keep coming out the whole day. i named this sickness after weng onn "weng onn's eyes" because he had that all the time. my friend name it 'eye flu' because like running nose it is really irritating but it will heal with much rest. i still remember at some point it was so difficult to drive because for a while my whole right eye will be covered by that liquid and i can't see with my right eye. the side of my eye has a crack because i keep drying my eye yesterday... ouch. but i have to say this is really quite an experience.
the part about me losing my voice is just simple, i am already having sore throat but i top it up by spending the night at laundry. as usual being the talkative me i need to shout to make myself be heard. and to end the night off, i need to shout for the countdown that i never had for quite a while. why didn't i the last few years? oh i was at home... like i told someone christmas had never been very memorable for me.
i will tell you more about my dates (yes plural) this christmas eve, but i need to go rest now. for those of you that are faraway, i know you want to buy me a christmas present very much because i had been so nice but to make it simple for you just uphold me in prayer. for this season i better not watch any korean series... better not cry anymore if not i might have a korean series ending, the girl normally get blind haha!
it is the first time in my life there are liquid that come out from my right eye. i still had not figure out whether it is because i rubbed my eyes too much, contact lense or they are just too tired. but no kidding the liquid just keep coming out the whole day. i named this sickness after weng onn "weng onn's eyes" because he had that all the time. my friend name it 'eye flu' because like running nose it is really irritating but it will heal with much rest. i still remember at some point it was so difficult to drive because for a while my whole right eye will be covered by that liquid and i can't see with my right eye. the side of my eye has a crack because i keep drying my eye yesterday... ouch. but i have to say this is really quite an experience.
the part about me losing my voice is just simple, i am already having sore throat but i top it up by spending the night at laundry. as usual being the talkative me i need to shout to make myself be heard. and to end the night off, i need to shout for the countdown that i never had for quite a while. why didn't i the last few years? oh i was at home... like i told someone christmas had never been very memorable for me.
i will tell you more about my dates (yes plural) this christmas eve, but i need to go rest now. for those of you that are faraway, i know you want to buy me a christmas present very much because i had been so nice but to make it simple for you just uphold me in prayer. for this season i better not watch any korean series... better not cry anymore if not i might have a korean series ending, the girl normally get blind haha!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
living a celebrity life
i have to say life had been pretty cool having a photographer around me all the time. it is like every significant moment in my life are no longer just memories but recorded down. isn't that just sweet. anyway that is baby brandon, he is only two days old but look at the amount of hair on his head. he is the joy of one of my thursday bunch girls.
what's with me and babies this year, my goodness i am seeing a whole new generation of kids birth in front of me everday.
---
i had been having sore throat, running nose and cough since i came back from bangkok. the latter had remained and got worst. so bad till i was woken up now at such ungodly hours. it is not that bad in the day compared to the night. maybe i just need to sit up to sleep. let me go try it out now :) good night.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
i cried 2 nights out of 3
i am only here for 3 nights and i cried for two nights. i once told someone this, if you are hurt just cry... cause if you have not cry enough after 10 years the same wound will still haunt you. looks like i had not really cry enough.
they scolded me i need to let go. i really dunno what to say anymore. what else can i do? i am already not initiating any conversations. i am already meeting more guys than i had in years. does it really mean i need to get a bf to make you believe i know he will not come back to me.
they gave me 101 reasons why he doesn't love me anymore. these are just some of them:
1. if he does, he would have come back already. the theory is if a guy doesn't come back after 3 months, he wouldn't.
2. if he really likes me, no one will be able to talk him out of pursuing me again.
3. if he really does he would had given me a chance to change whatever he doesn't like about me.
4. if he really does he would had sit down and talk it out with me what we both can do.
5. if he really does, he wouldn't be cruel to me.
ok point taken, i know he will not come back but that doesn't mean i need to be cruel to tell him i know that.
these are things i am recommended to do:
1. lower down my expectations of a bf
a. good looking: "i don't really look for gorgeous guys, just average looking only." "no, i think all your ex bfs are pretty good looking" one of them stated. blessed are you if you were once my boyfriend haha... :)
b. someone that loves God: well someone that loves God will love me too, this is pretty hard to explain.
c. romantic/caring/thoughtful/sensitive: why 4 words because even our walking dictionary cannot find a word that fully describes it. i had always use the word romantic and probably a lot of ppl think i am just asking too much, how can a guy drop me a surprise every month. i will give one more attempt to explain this, it is just simply one that wants to take care of me and make efforts to see me smile.
i am not being picky but i had not meet one that i can love yet. is it so easy to find someone you love? if so? why should you feel special when i say 'i love you'. but yes girls, i will not do this anymore ok.
2. stop waiting, hoping or crying and get a new guy soon
i had been going out with a lot of guys. so much so i had crash dates. i brought two guys for drunk before dawn - the musical, one on my left and the other on my right (that was tough, i promise i will never do that again). i cannot fully promise you the rest but i want you to know i know he is not coming back. i am still waiting but i know he is not the one i will see.
---
still playing this song on my itunes over and over again. i know my expectations might be unrealistic to many, but i am still waiting for a day a man that will come up to me and says he will love and take care of me. that he wants to be that prince in the fairytale that i embrace.
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