Thursday, December 21, 2006

i cried 2 nights out of 3

Seated, originally uploaded by annaiam. photograph by anna

i am only here for 3 nights and i cried for two nights. i once told someone this, if you are hurt just cry... cause if you have not cry enough after 10 years the same wound will still haunt you. looks like i had not really cry enough.

they scolded me i need to let go. i really dunno what to say anymore. what else can i do? i am already not initiating any conversations. i am already meeting more guys than i had in years. does it really mean i need to get a bf to make you believe i know he will not come back to me.

they gave me 101 reasons why he doesn't love me anymore. these are just some of them:
1. if he does, he would have come back already. the theory is if a guy doesn't come back after 3 months, he wouldn't.
2. if he really likes me, no one will be able to talk him out of pursuing me again.
3. if he really does he would had given me a chance to change whatever he doesn't like about me.
4. if he really does he would had sit down and talk it out with me what we both can do.
5. if he really does, he wouldn't be cruel to me.

ok point taken, i know he will not come back but that doesn't mean i need to be cruel to tell him i know that.

these are things i am recommended to do:
1. lower down my expectations of a bf
a. good looking: "i don't really look for gorgeous guys, just average looking only." "no, i think all your ex bfs are pretty good looking" one of them stated. blessed are you if you were once my boyfriend haha... :)
b. someone that loves God: well someone that loves God will love me too, this is pretty hard to explain.
c. romantic/caring/thoughtful/sensitive: why 4 words because even our walking dictionary cannot find a word that fully describes it. i had always use the word romantic and probably a lot of ppl think i am just asking too much, how can a guy drop me a surprise every month. i will give one more attempt to explain this, it is just simply one that wants to take care of me and make efforts to see me smile.
i am not being picky but i had not meet one that i can love yet. is it so easy to find someone you love? if so? why should you feel special when i say 'i love you'. but yes girls, i will not do this anymore ok.
2. stop waiting, hoping or crying and get a new guy soon
i had been going out with a lot of guys. so much so i had crash dates. i brought two guys for drunk before dawn - the musical, one on my left and the other on my right (that was tough, i promise i will never do that again). i cannot fully promise you the rest but i want you to know i know he is not coming back. i am still waiting but i know he is not the one i will see.

still playing this song on my itunes over and over again. i know my expectations might be unrealistic to many, but i am still waiting for a day a man that will come up to me and says he will love and take care of me. that he wants to be that prince in the fairytale that i embrace.


Anonymous said...

Hi Chai Yen.

Wishing you blessed Christmas and fruitful new year.

You look great with the photos. Awesome.

Ever thinking to be a Model?

Anonymous said...

*a big hug for you this Christmas!*
Merry Christmas!!! :)

chaiyen said...

hahaha to be a model. ok i dream to be one. :)

yes. merry christmas to you all.

deJelly said...

ekeks.. didn't know u brought 2 guys to DBD!.. hehe
u'll always have the 2 bald guys beside u yea.. nyeks..
eventho one is flying south next Feb..

Anonymous said...


Yes one would be!


chaiyen said...

wah two of you... end of the year already so emo ahh :)