Tuesday, January 30, 2007

hear my heart

i should be sleeping now, but a very large part of me didn't want to sleep.

i want to write something, not that i know exactly what but i have so much in my heart i want to share.

i felt that i share so much of His burden and am so close to God at this moment, yet i feel very lonely at the same time.

i am going only for two weeks plus, it seems so heavy to leave yet i want so much to leave.

i am looking forward for the long drive later, it seems like it had been quite a while since i last have some time all by myself.

a lot had happened the last few days:
1. steph had been coming to church with me for 2 months. i told myself i didn't want her to accept God because she is emotionally down. i want her to reason and think through it. it had been quite a while and i wanted to be very sure before i go. today i can be very sure, steph and her bf are now part of our family.
i can't tell you how touched i am talking to God in the morning before i meet them. as i went through with them the whole message. i find myself in such gratefulness and awe, i am ever more convinced of the message i hold on to. God will answer my prayer, He has die for my sins, He loves me whether or not i am a believer. but i become a Christian so that i may know that. that knowing make a great load of difference.
this morning i ask you, do you still remember the one you believe and this great message?

2. someone find me worthy to know his deepest darkest secrets. he shared with me what he didn't need to. my word to him is "no, i don't think of you any less. in fact i really look up to ppl who have the courage to share with me their real self."
i guess that is what i always wanted to see. that after all that i share, ppl will not be fearful to be who they are. i am beginning to see because i am not perfect, it allows ppl that are not perfect like me to open themselves to me. i can only say, today i saw someone being liberated. because both of us can come before God in our weaknesses.
today if you are tired of keeping things to yourself, you know you have me :)

3. "i know a lot of ppl don't really like him. but i really see a lot in him." since the day i met this person. God has change how i look at every person that walk pass my life. i know not everyone will believe i feel this way for them, and i know even that person himself don't. i actually believe that there is some good left in dan scott. so it must be true when i say i believe in you.
the good thing about this is, i am at the verge of tears to know the so-much-more and hope that God has for each of us. it is beautiful. the sad thing is, it really aches my heart when i know that the person don't think likewise. i really am not asking for anything when i say this. i can't help feeling this hope for people around me nowadays. anyway, you can take me for what i say or not, but i need to say it just one more time.
i really believe in you and i trust that heart of yours.

3 of me
there is a secret desire though, i wonder if there is anyone in this world who see the same in me? someone that see this hope that God sees in me? someone that actually trust this heart of mine?

i didn't know this entry will take so long. my heart is really heavy right now. i don't think i got the time to sleep... i got to start driving so that i get there before noon.

this is the second time i am driving down alone. the first time i know who and what was waiting for me, this time i am driving down not knowing who and what is waiting for me. somehow i feel that i am driving into a new day. i am not sure you get me but enjoy your day while i enjoy the sun rise in front of me.

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