the sad fact of life

it is painful in life we are always remember for our bad. it doesn't matter jack bauer saves the world. to his daughter, he didn't tell her he is still alive despite the reason it is for her protection. not to mention the many times he puts america in danger to protect her. as long as she lives, she will remember him for not being there when her mum died. how ironic.

kids don't remember you for bringing them into the world, how you painfully pay their bills and the dinner you cook for them but they remember you for breaking your holiday promises, missing their graduation and driving dad out of the house.

friends don't remember you for the time you are there for them, little sms you sent them and meals you buy them. they remember you for the time you ffk them, the time you screamed at them or that day you two time them.

bf don't remember you for the good times they have with you, how you pamper them with surprises and accept them when the world doesn't. they remember you for the stupid words you said, how things ended and what a pain in the ass you had been throughout the relationship.

yes this is a sad fact of life. every mistakes of your life overwrite the thousands good you did. it doesn't matter the millions good words you had said, your one sentence that hurts them will be remember as your last words or at least they will make sure those will be your last words because they no longer want to hear from you. there are no chance to explain, to redo things or even apologise.

it is sad that only one day in your life that ppl sit down and forget about the horrible side of you. that is during your funeral, too bad you are no longer there. but as long as you live, bite your tongue and bear with it. ppl need a-reason-you-are-no-longer-there, a-reason-why-you-should-not and a-reason-why-you-should-not-be. ppl need an answer for the pain they went through and you are just perfect for the time being. count it lucky someone hates you, someone hold grudges against you, someone is thinking of you. for the record, you remain longer in the memories of someone life when they hate you more than when they love you.

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itunes: you'll think of me by keith urban

i still believe

"And often he (evil spirit) has thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, have compassion on us." Jesus said to him, "If you believe, all things are possible to him who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" mark9.21-24

we all go through this bit, to be responsible of our life. the very reason we need to earn our wages to live and survive is to remind us that. you don't work, you don't eat. but it always come a point of time in our life, we don't want to be that. we don't want to be responsible and we want to test how far or long more we can live on. we break some marriage vows, break our parents' hearts and break the heart of those that cares for us. why do we do that?

1. eyes of envy. we conclude that it doesn't pay to be responsible. the irresponsible ppl seems to be happy and prospering. the good and evil ppl will live and die the same anyway. so why should we try so hard? not remembering sins always catches up on us, every decisions we make today determines our tomorrow.
2. deeply hurt. a feeling of rejection makes us think that no one really cares for us anyway. so we become the pathetic person that we are told we are. we let everyone trampled over us. having a pity party and waiting to see how bad we need to get till the world will notice that we exist. we don't want to pick up ourselves because we want someone else to do that for us but maybe this person will never come. if he does it just goes to prove that what they say we are "nothing". so maybe we are meant to stand up ourselves this time to tell the world we are something.

but from the story today i see the third group of ppl. the father, like many of us the helpless. we care but we couldn't help. we had tried every way but it doesn't work. so we give up trying and we just stand at the side to watch. by that i do not mean apathy. it aches your heart but it just seems like the best way is to pray for a miracle because you know there is nothing your hands can do you haven't tried. the world may look at them as a gone case, hopeless person. but there are part of you that believes there are still some good left in them and so you answer God "i believe, i do. help my unbelief (because honestly they are moments you do doubt)".

today, i'm just touched thinking that somewhere around us there might be such an angel. that believes for us when we couldn't. they activate the possible, because when the boy couldn't do it, when the boy don't even remember who he was anymore. the father said "i believe". isn't that life, it is all about hope? it is sad if we have nothing to hope for. because hope is the only thing that keep us going.

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had been working hard but had been playing really hard too. done all the major movies and am pretty proud of myself. as i said, i don't normally do movies when i'm single but i think this time round i had been doing pretty well, in fact i think i do more movies then i was last attached. i am super tired now and i ought to be on bed, but i just need to brag a little that i had not ill treated myself though i'm super busy. i had been attending wedding, meeting the girls, yam cha-ing, clubbing, attending gym, msn-ing. up and coming i just might be planning a big getaway... oh no i'm so excited. told you single life can be pretty fun. while i see my girlfriends stay at home to take care of their new born babies, the guys complain about their gfs, and the girls in agony waiting for the guy they love to express themselves. i'm just glad, for now i have no part in all that. happy, happy, happy

his understanding of love

1. you love because...
she is pretty, nice, attractive

2. you love in spite of...
her weaknesses and her not being good enough

3. you just love
is it you-love-because or in-spite-of? you don't even know why you love but you just do. regardless of what she does to you

---
the theory of a guy which i thought was worthy to be published. not a bad understanding. to me you-just-love sounds like my theory of the one. he wisely answered me, "but you know most of the time your the one doesn't think that you are their the one". totally agree with that too. i think we are from the same school of thoughts. let me dig deeper to see he can enlighten me with any new theories.

no one can describe love without experiencing it, no one after experiencing it can fully describe love.

is a small world after all

the kind of things i say when i am sleeping and dead tired:
1. sis: wake up, you call me to wake you up after half an hour
cy: yahh but now i beg and plead you not to fulfill that
2. sis: can you fetch me to school. pls... no one is at home
cy: *cry* you are crazy and cruel, don't let me sleep. got no compassion at all
3. (today) mum: there are constructor in the house doing some stuff. we are going out for lunch. can you make sure they don't go upstairs
cy: no, i'm sleeping. if they want to rob the house i will just let them but i will continue my sleep.

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mind you i'm saying all these with my eyes close. sometimes i don't even remember what i said. i was invited to passion yesterday for a free flow of calsberg. we have a budget of 1k to hit. apparently we cleared all the bottles from the bar before we even hit our target so we will continue next week after they stock up. i don't even know the person paying for the beers but i've come to know the world is a small world after all.

let me paint you the picture. i was there with dinesh my smsu high school friend that i got in touch again from friendster, he saw my photos on anna's flickr, one of my close girlfriend from seafield high school and my photos on cavin's blog whom i got to know through joan, my college friends. they work in the same office building. to close this loop. dinesh and cavin ot to know each other from photos site or blog, i can't remember. this is like just one of the many incidents, i wouldn't even want to try plotting the rest out. you can imagine the flashback from the lost series.

anyway i end the night talking about my pet subject with dinesh and his good friend jeremie, a year my senior from smsu high school -- close friends of hon kit and chan hui whom i used to walked to school with everyday. they gave me a new name call miss hope. they said in reality relationship is not about that.

the philosophy of love by chaiyen wong

the beginning of love
- how deep is your love?
- where does love come from?

signs you are in love
- the chemistry
- the obvious list
- the not so obvious list
- the pre-relationship syndrome
- the kind of questions you start asking
- the fear you need to overcome
- the crush. candidates are not signs and why bad boys get the girls
- the old feelings might not be love

love includes choices
- one you love or one that loves you
- to love or not to love
- suitability or compatibility
- suitability or compatibility part 2
- ex bf or new bf
- are we capable of loving two person?
- how about 4?

love kit
1. make sure both of you have the same understanding of the word romantic
- word study of romantic
- if you can't write them, find someone that can
2 don't lose yourself in the course of of love
3. commitment vs love
love keeps you going, it does what commitment cannot do. what he thinks about love, what she thinks about love?

love languages
find out your love language
1. quality time
2. acts of service
3. words and the power of words
4. receiving gifts. eg: this or this
5. physical touch
you can call this romantic or you can call it all 5 in 1

love boo boo
1. don't have too many exs till you get them mixed up
2. don't start talking about
3. don't mess up with the player and how to identify them

the love test
1. another person
2. another chance. sorry is not about who is wrong
3. back to the purest form of love

the not so lovely part
1. what are they looking for or not?
HE: they are not looking for another mum
SHE: they are looking for a hero
2. what are their problems or not?
HE: they don't know what they want
SHE: insecurity and more and more
3. communication or not?
HE: why guys does not like to explain things. but maybe their silence is what keeps man and woman together. this might be a window to their thoughts.
SHE: why does she always bring the issues up?. try to help them understand you and know their heart cry

when love falls apart
- this is when you change the status on friendster: it's complicated before you progress
- remember he is right and she is right
- what are your options?
- what to expect from ex bf?. cruelity and why don't they want to be friends.
- do not leave with things unsaid. talk to the person if possible, make sure this break up doesn't leave you scars you don't need

when love hurts
1. don't pretend to be happy, cry if you need to
2. don't dwell on the good memories. let memories remain as memories
3. don't stay in the moment, remember the whole world moves with or without you
4. don't wait
5. don't ask too many whys
6. don't think too much. kill time
7. don't be alone. go out with some friends
8. don't go holiday alone because that might make it worse. have a good laugh with ppl
9. don't spoil the friendshipok what if you are rejected even before you start?
10. don't try too hard if he doesn't want to be friends, you had done your part

love that last
theory of the one
1. you hate the fact that you never hate
2. you are able to love his not so lovely side
3. you are willing to lay it all down for him

conclusion
grace to love

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i did wrote a lot about love. but still incomplete.

Once you get what you want, you've got something to lose... oth

10 reasons to be single

i had done it before and now i'm enjoying it again. so if you need to have a reason to remain single. here are 10.

10 reasons to be single
1. you can travel without missing anyone, save all the long distance calls and sms-es as well.
2. you don't need to give an answer for your boyfriend that doesn't like to attend weddings with you because you don't have one.
3. you don't need to wait for him to finish your one tree hill series.
4. you don't need to do OT and cracked your head for ideas and burn your pocket on birthdays, v day and anniversaries.
5. you don't need to prepare instant noodle for him when he is hungry because even you yourself are too lazy to cook for yourself.
6. you don't need to worry how-about-him when your friends call you for a movie.
7. you don't need to dress up to impress him and standout from the millions babe out there.
8. you don't need to feel sorry for being busy with work.
9. you don't need to be challenged emotionally everyday.
10. you can go out with all the guys in the world you can get a hold on.

---
i don't really need a relationship to survive. it goes to show im not that selfish if i ever choose to be attach? haha i choose to love. when i get attach i feel like doing everything with this person. sometimes probably that is not even his ideal. at least that is what i thought relationship was about, which everyone has a different stand on this. somehow the whole focus of your life changes when you are in love like the phrase in summer scent, "love is an earthquake that relocates the center of our universe" . well i think at least one of them need to make some sacrifices, if not both to work.

whitney: haley you talked about nathan's dreams and college. how about your dreams and your life?
haley: i'm ok, so long as our family can be together. that is my dream. wouldn't you do the same for camela?
whitney: yes, i would. but fortunately i don't need to. she loves me enough to be the one that sacrifice her dreams to make way for mine. just like you :)
excerpts from oth

so for now, just enjoy being single if you are. dream your own dreams, let your heart takes a break and spent the money all for yourself until you fall for the next dude that comes along. like i phrase it for her. "love always catches you offguard, you never know when you will fall in love. sooner then you realise."

your name goes before you

scene one
mummy: your friends came with paige just now.
cy: is it, who?
mummy: i dunno, they took some photos with your camera. go take a look.
cy: who is this, she said she knows me?
mummy: "ya, paige goes 'oh this is chaiyen's mum'
cy: "is it?"

shortly later
cy: who is that paige?
paige: you dunno her? auntie susan. she said she knows you.
cy: erm nope.
paige: from accf.
cy: oh, i've heard of her but i've not seen her before.

scene two
"Interesting... i thought "Wild At Heart" was a guys book! How did it get to your favourite book list? :P Was going through a my friend's friends and your's kinda got my attention. Saw a couple things that we're similar in so I thought I'd give you a shoutout.."

well, i read that book because some guys want me to know about their story. if not how do i come out with all these love philosophies. anyway, i didn't know you can know ppl that way. now i know the purpose of profiles. to drop pick up line like this. hahaha. "hey there, that's my favourite movie too" and "i love that songs" muahahha so evil.

scene three
remember the second point for this entry. and yes blogging has it's way to expand your circle of friends. i know a girl from japan, ya? and i don't even know who are those anonymous readers that has yet to drop a word.

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Did you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many people have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's lives we've been in. Were we part of someone's life when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it. lucas in oth

have you ever wonder, how many ppl know your name. i still remember when i change my high school from seafield to smsu. the day i step into the school. the classmate sitting next to me told me "hi you are from seafield right? i heard that you are coming. thought that you are another bitch, but you are quite a nice girl. :)"

especially in this tehnology savvy generation. ppl linked to you from their friends' blogs, see your photos on their friends' multiply or friendster and share their lives with you over msn though they have never seen you face to face. i had not even mentioned those friends' friend that you got to know in clubs, colleagues from your clients' office that opens the door for you everytime you come, or ppl that saw you in the magazine. i always wonder what do they have to say about me?

you know what i saw a few ppl that always appears on magazine. though i don't really know them as a person, i pretty much have my conception of them formed. then i realised after you know them, they are so much better than i thought or heard about. so yah, give everyone a chance. give them the benefit of doubt that they are not such a bitch or jerk for that matter. hopefully by doing so, ppl will give me some grace too. hehe, and yah give me a break, i don't smoke and i don't sleep around. ppl always have the impression i do so ever since high school. but i have no problem hanging around with those who do. not that i agree with it, but that are choices they make for their own lives. and i don't believe that when you hangout with this ppl they can influence you, if so your conviction are pretty shallow. isn't it? that doesn't one bit make me better than them, we all still struggles the same sets of issues - insecurity, financial, purpose. and for that bit, i enjoy getting to know another person.

on the contrast, sometimes you ask yourself how much you know the person you thought you know. for example the person that you wake up with every morning, the person that was your best friends, your good colleague you eat lunch with everyday. to actually know that you give them too much benefit of doubts. that hurts.

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just for girls and guys that doesn't mind blood issues.
i had not had my menstrual for four months. the longest time i can recall. at first i thought it could be these reasons:
1. had been traveling to shanghai and up down to singapore, so different countries and climate
2. or maybe shortage of sleep
3. had i been too emotionally stress?
4. or is it another health problem? does that mean i will have to empty my pocket to see another doctor. i'm not even done with my neck theraphy.
5. or am i pregnant, did i get too drunk one night i forgotten i was drunk?

cut the long story short, i wanted to blog this last night before i sleep but i was too tired and my neck gave in. so i just went to bed with a few very important prayers and this is one of them. i woke up in the morning, i bleed hehehe. i don't need to see a doctor. at least for the time being. i'm pretty excited. i mean the rest of the prayers must had been heard too :)

all good things come in 3

3 good buys. brighten up your days during busy season like this:
1. due to the ever 'got problem solution', i ran out of solution brands to buy. if you are going through the same problem as i am, hereby i recommend you one. bought this and thought it is one of the best solution by far. but i can't promise you how long it will be on the market. it seems to me every brand that do well in the market get banned after a while, maybe there are some sales politic there. maybe, just maybe someone is trying to monopolise the market but couldn't so they keep creating problems for all these big shots.

even when you wake up with tired eyes, it doesn't hurt. seriously good.

2. i had a crave for this long long ago when i was in singapore. but i forgotten all about it since i came back. my little sister rediscover it for me when she brought this back last week.

sweet things keep you awake

3. this is really one of the best phone i ever have. it comes in handy in my car and in gym. looks good, nice interface and desperate to mention nice earpiece too.

who needs an ipod hehe.

---
since i'm on it. these are 3 types of ppl you get to see in the gym:
1. pretty girls with tank top. they are there not to exercise, they just walk around and parade themselves. so pls look.
2. miss zouk that was dancing in the podium at zouk teaching the girls do dirty dancing (opps i mean latin mix, but honestly i don't see anything latin-ish in it). but it looks quite fun, maybe i should go for one of those class too, it might come in handy in the future if i can still shake. of course in such a scene, you see guys staring from outside the glass. some pretending to be on the phone, some trying to forget the tiring routine of cycling -- legs still cycling but eyes on her -- and of course some don't even bother to pretend they just sit there. yah just waiting for those moments she shakes her booty and bent down with her short skirt. oh, tight hot but.
3. this is the best part, you see some hunks once in a blue moon. i walked in and i remembered i saw him last week. i couldn't control myself so i forgotten to look away when he stared back. after i passed by, i remembered i forgotten to smile. so i told myself to do so if i have another chance. start off with my stretching and i saw him over my back doing his stretching before he goes off. couldn't do my smile thing since his back is facing me, so i went on my way to hit the machines. long after that, he passed by and he throwed me his smile. so i gently return his sweet gesture. muahahah so fun, feels like high school crush again.

today

there were moments we don't enjoy the time we were in
we wished then we could turn back things to the time it used to be
but soon the dark clouds will pass away and we will be so very glad
that things had been what it had been.

today i'm happy to be where i am.

---
been working the whole day, but what is TODAY if i just let it pass me by without pausing to reflect what life is all about. a moment connecting to soul is priceless.

bee+zzzzzzzzz

things to do before the week come to an end
1. massive clean up and sent to print L.I.F.E. booklet for lindy (124 pages)
2. HELLO! july issue (102 pages)
3. HOT! and HELLO! rate cards
4. conceptualise the whole dinner, look for wedding photographers and bridal gown for my client
5. COTR corporate identity

coming in next week
1. 3 parkson booklets for bluinc (90 pages x 3)
2. close HELLO! july issue

and i need to face it with this:
due to my neck injury, i need to lie down straight on the bed every 9 hours. if not they will be a peircing backache. all the best wongchaiyen

still hoping to
1. finish reading Hillary Clinton's book
2. meet yili for lunch in klang
3. read my bible
4. go to gym tomorrow morning (which is most unlikely, don't want to make a show tomorrow by being the first person to faint in a rpm class)
5. finish my OTH season 4, start grey's and 24 season 6

the real man can fix their relationship

this link drafted out the reason why girls get jealous more often than guys. it is pretty similar to my theories so i decided to highlight them.
1. girls are more insecure of themselves
2. knowing what they are capable to do, they project those behavior on their boyfriends.
3. guys do not know how to keep their girls informed. not good in telling the truth when question, so badly they sound like they have something to hide.
4. someone cheat on her before.

then to this other link, excerpt of the book the secrets of happily married men by dr scott haltzman. i felt that was a pretty interesting thought to be highlighted.

"My wife and I just can't agree on the right way to raise kids," he said with a sigh that gave away his frustration and resignation.

"I didn't want to separate, because I think it's the coward's way out," he was quick to add. "But I just couldn't figure out how to make things better."

... i had something important to say to this man. Here's the short version: You're a creative man who has a marvelous knck for fixing things. If something's not working in your car, you figure out a way to fix it. If you can't, you find someone who can. You've stuck with your car when most owners would have sent it to the trash heap. You have real sense of commitment and a knack for getting things work. What makes you think you can't use those same wonderful qualities to save your marriage?"

It's obvious to anyone who studies male behavior that men demonstrate extraordinary skill in sales, mechanics, politics, medicine, finance, construction, and many other areas, So why is it, i have wonder, that when it comes to problem in relationships, men resign themselves to the fate, act helpless, and give up? After long thought and study, I think I know.

For too long, men have been told they are relationshipincompetent. Maybe that's what you've heard, and maybe that's what you believe. I'm telling you now, loud and clear, it's not true. You are competent.

ok the rest of the book is pure boring, maybe because it was written for man.

trendy campaign

maybe ppl will think that it is more trendy not to smoke if our non smoking campaign looks this good. or at least they want to be associated with it.








thanks to art director like my cousin

the substitute

it is true, i'm a loner. i don't need friends. i was never born with a community around me, never raised that way. i can kick off a project all by myself, i can even don't go out and just laze at home the whole day. i used to be very ignorant about other ppl but after i know God i learn to see more in ppl. i began to recognise everyone has a story to tell. onetreehill puts it this way "When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." i know that i cannot be there for everyone at everytime, but in every moment i am with them i just hope to dig deeper into their life more than the surface. even if it means i'll never see them again i hope that they feel a little special after that day. i tried to sustain some friendships, meeting them eventhough i'm lacking of sleep, i tried to be that company to them when they have no one around them, i tried to hear them, i tried to fetch them, i tried to go out though i'm like broke, i tried. i tried.

i guess the movie elizabethtown best describe the character, kirsten dunst said "i'm a substitute, always taking the place of ideals in other people’s lives, until those ideal people appear. it works for me since i like being alone." more and more i come to term, maybe i am just that. i am honest i am not upset and i wouldn't say i'm jealous of their new friendships or new boyfriends. sometimes it is not even obvious, it just happen and the friendship will start to stray away. i wouldn't say that is something very sacrificial or i am a victim. i'm just stating a fact. i'm not sure if it happens to everybody, i mean ppl come and go right?

in all these, i'm fine i wouldn't even consider that ppl make use of me. but what sadden me the most is when i get misunderstood. as we grow up things get more complicated and i hate that very bit of it. i used to think that we get more mature as we grow up, that we will not be so petty over small things. but i just found out that it might just be the opposite. somehow ppl tend to be more sensitive to what i say, more watchful of my motives, more judgemental about my actions. i thought all things can be talk through but like how onetreehill puts it again "When things get bad, I always… find a way to make them worse". it is like there is no turning back, i come to realised that sometimes it is just pretty hard to restore those broken friendships.

"have you ever woken up from a really good dream and just try to get back to sleep? or have you ever had the flu and promise youself that you will appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it? that's the way i feel. i just want things to go back to the way that they were." onetreehill

how i wish that i can just press that 'undo' button and erase everything that happen but it doesn't work that way, does it? i mean i remember i said, i wish that i can wake up and have a partial memory lost. maybe ppl will sympathise my lost and wipe out those things in between us. and in the midst of helping me recover, we might have a chance to built back genuine friendships.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm a bit tired of trying. there is no doubt there are times that we upset each other but i'm trying to live my life the best that i could. i tried to share my life. and as usual you know i'm bad with my communication. it comes out wrong most of the time. but for the sake of those moments i stood by you when no one is around, those moments i was with you on the phone when you need someone to talk too, those moments i gave you courage when you didn't believe in yourselves, those moments i see the better side of you when others don't. for the sake of that pls know that my friendship for you was genuine. will you just accept my apology. you can forget me all together but just don't hate me. i don't like being in other ppl hate-list.

i'm glad you found your new friends or have your old friends back or even found yourself a companion for that matter. at least i had played my part to be there till your ideal people arrive. call me when you are ready to be friends again or maybe we might just bum into each other a few years down the road. hopefully by then we will forget all these small little things and have a better start. don't worry about me. like i said i'm a substitute...


"i'm not easy to forget but i'm hard to remember" elizabethtown

---
more than one, more than two, more than three. man, how many friendships need to go wrong this season? you notice a lot of quotations around, probably they speak better for me now.

old times

i was being such a sweetie to fetch my mum to cell group this morning she decided to buy me my iced latte. so here i am sitting in centrepoint starbucks trying to work while waiting to fetch her back. i slept at 11-5am this morning but i still feel dead tired. i think i can be officially called a starbucks addict already. try to use my photo booth program and i thought i will be the nice person to entertain all my fella readers this morning by giving you an entry to read. yah since most of you think that i'm such a FREElancer.

running on my ITUNES oldies:
1. i just called to say i love you by stevie wonder
2. dying inside to hold you by timmy thomas
3. it must have been love by roxette
4. dangerous by roxette
5. i miss you like crazy by natalie cole

what you used to say but not anymore:
1. you used to say i-love-you-forever to your boyfriend, but now you only say i-love-you-very-much.
2. you used to sign on autographs friends-forever, but now you only say i'm-happy-to-have-you-by-my-side-NOW
3. you used to say i'll-always-be-there-for-you, but now you dropped the word always and that makes loads of difference

---
the reality is we all had grown up, we dunno what is forever anymore and at least we don't make stupid promises we can't keep. so i love you all you out there, i'm happy to have you as my friend and i'll be there for you when you need me. it sounds as good so long as i don't put these sentence next to it –– i-love-you-forever, our-friendship-will-be-forever and i-will-be-there-for-you-always :)

i think myself happy

i worked, i went out and i met loads of ppl.

i smiled, i laughed and i talked.

have you ever wonder what is behind this happy smiley person? did you ever notice those split seconds when they stone for a while and what ran through their mind at that moment? seriously do you think you will ever know what is really running through my mind? if not because i open up myself.

do you believe that all through high school ppl think that i'm problem free? that is how strong i'm able to potray myself. all you need to do is toughen up yourself and let no one knows what you are struggling with. every time you walk out of your door, just put a smile and keep yourself busy. good and bad. the good is ppl want to be like me, they want to learn how to live a confident life like mine. the bad is no one ever thinks that i need company or for that matter a shoulder to cry on.

i learned to be more honest with myself the last few years with how-i-feel and what-i-want or what-im-thinking. i thought ppl will like to know the real me. i thought if i let the world know there is a girl living inside me, ppl will treat me like a woman. i thought when we have nothing to hide, life will be easier. from my past few experiences it didn't exactly turn up pleasant. i come to learn that to live the truth, it is inconvenient.

i had not done it for a while, but it had not gone rusty. i was still able to pull it through. i think ppl actually believe. for a second, i myself almost believe too.

manchester united 2 - liverpool 1

i saw this title on nst this morning. for a moment i was thinking, i thought all the leagues are over.

then i realised they are talking about our players weddings. now i know what they do during all the breaks. they make babies and have weddings.

spouse materials

your spouse materials depends on your pattern of thoughts. a follow up study of the word compatible and suitability

most ppl in the world will choose:
1. someone very similar to them
= compatible
eg: both of us love watching movies, very patience, hate cooking and love kids.
- how come you feel in love? this is easy, the feeling of this person is like your soul mate, thinking like you and doing everything you like to do. it is super logic you can love this person.
- when does it normally happen? you normally know this person for a short period of time. it is a kin feeling.
- why would you marry this person? it seems like no one need to make any adjustments at all. sounds pretty ideal.
- what to look out for? it will come a point that both of you will struggle over your similarity. eg. two of you are very accomodating, then it will goes "you decide where to eat", "no, you decide. i don't know where you want to go", "i also dunno, you decide pls"... and it drags for one hour till they come to a conclusion. i think you don't need me to tell you how irritating this can get if you need to decide on your wedding day stuff, the things you shop for, your new house and so on. in long term one of you might turn up to be the person that is more dominant. so pls don't hate that, in a way he is force to do so. someone need to fill in the gap to make it works.

2. someone totally the opposite of them
= suitable
eg: he loves cooking, she loves cleaning the house (washing the dishes); he is patience, she is kan chiong, he loves western food, she loves local food
- how come you feel in love? it is like you are experiencing something new, something you had never experience before till you meet this person. this person shows you another side of the world. there seems to be no similarity and it doesn't make sense at all why you will choose this person. you cannot reason why, that is why you conclude this is love.
- when does it normally happen? normally you will hate the person in beginning and love them after a period of time. you will actually see how another person do things that are not normally your ways, see it works and grow to have respect for this person.
- why would you marry this person? living life with this person is so exciting, you feel that you are bringing the best out of each other.
- what to look out for? needless to say both of you will go through quite a bit of storm because you never understand why this person behave the way you will never. the main thing to remember is, REMEMBER this is what you love about this person. so instead of saying "she is egoistic" try to remember "she is passionate". instead of saying "he is slow" try to remember "he is a slow and steady person". soon, you will realised that both of you become more and more like each other. and then you will begin to love and appreciate each other more. also don't hate that change because life is a journey, we all change everyday whether we choose to or not.

sometimes we wonder do we choose to love someone or we choose someone we can love. most of us choose the latter but still later come to realised actually there is no one easy to love. in a way no one deserve our love but that is love isn't it? of course there is no right or wrong but i personally think that man and women are meant to be different. to me a compatible person qualify to be my best friend, but to find someone so different from you yet you can still feel such high esteem for this person that is suitability. that is why, my best friend can be my boyfriend but not all my best friend can be my boyfriend.

the process of falling asleep

10: it's the graveyard hour, i'm sleepy


9: ok i will sit here for a few shots... quick


8: wah what is this huh?


7: i can't take it anymore, i shall not be distracted. i'm going to my bed


6: just give me 5 seconds


5: i'm all comfortable ready to sleep...


4: (kick the camera) go away i want to sleep


3: give me a break


2: i can't keep my eyes open any longer


1: zzz


let's zoom out and have a look. you do wonder sometimes who is enjoying the sleep more


nah, the photo looks better just with her sound asleep

do they look similar?

why do you put me in a basket?

kids are temperamental. 1 second later they start smiling again.


hey that's the camera


haha i'm the star


and i have toys here too, look

a safe place

i think at the end of the day everyone is insecure. no one is ever happy with themselves.

the one who keep saying he looks good most of the time is not, he kept saying that to make himself believe he is.
the one who looks horrible is definitely not, she just doesn't want to stand out so that she can blend to the curtain of the ballroom.

the one who seems so confident at work is not, she keeps performing so that she feels in control of something.
the one who doesn't bother to perform is not, he knows he can never do it anyway so he didn't bother to try.

while most guys get insecure because they do not think that they are good enough as a person.
most girls get insecure because they do not think they look good enough.

the why
1. i grow up with sisters and best friends that look better than me. upon realising that is bad enough but with comments like "wah why your sister looks so much better than you". that doesn't help one bit.

my sis and i


my younger sister, the gene just gets better don't they?


one of my best friend

2. i have an ex bf that left me for another girl.

3. maybe because it runs in the blood of every woman

the flip side, why i should not?
1. at least i know my boyfriend love me more than my look, i mean after i introduce them to my sis and friends.
2. well they will always be a better looking girl around, that guy is not worth my time if he doesn't stay with me.
3. since everyone is, i can at least not be the most insecure one

i hate feeling insecure but i need to admit i struggle with that. i hate it because it makes me feel so little and so ugly, more ugly than how i don't look as good. the ironic thing is, i struggle most of the time when i'm attach. one would think that if im attach and loved by someone i shouldn't right? so much so i fear getting attach. maybe because when i'm not, there are more guys going after me or maybe i just know i will never match up to so many pretty girls around so i didn't bother. but when i do get attach, i expect the kind attention from him and i try to match up to the kind of girl that he will love but you know i never will, that bit bothers me. it is like my life depends on how this person view me. and it gets pretty tiring, then the relationship get tense and most ppl quit.

ppl go for plastic surgery or those that don't just keep sulking about how not interesting they look, while i was thinking at the back of my mind how perfect they look. suddenly i realised that we will never be happy with ourselves. we will not look better as we age, how many things can we try to fix with plastic surgery. i mean we are pathetic to be comparing ourselves with other ppl that are not even happy with themselves.

i'm pretty happy with myself now. but i think this issue might resurface again in my next relationship. i realised it is not about me telling myself because most of the time we don't know how great we are. it is about another person that understand and loves us that much. reminding us everyday of our life till the day we are on our dying bed "girl, you are beautiful" and "you are my my man, you can do it". that weights so much more though your face and figure didn't change at that second, though your portfolio and position didn't change at that moment but we know those words make us beautiful, those words cause us to do wonders. so fear not you meet another person that will will make you question if you are pretty enough because he has the power to make you beautiful. fear not the person that bring along a whole loads of responsiblity, because she has the words that make you be that so much more.

security is about a place you feel safe. someone that can see the real you. did you realise you can only see yourself from a mirror? wow this is so powerful. we are born to live with another. provided of course that someone can see the real you. the you that is probably not even there yet.

searching of the soul

top 10 one liner
1. preach what you practice so that you do not need to TRY practice what you preach.
2. example explains everything.
3. don't be a junior holy spirit -- instead of speaking for God we end up speaking as god.
4. if you lock your heart away––the burden of your heart--you will lose yourself.
5. we can listen to jetro for some tips and handles but we need to go to the mountain ourselves to get some revelation.
6. ppl judge you base on what is inside of them, so don't be too affected
7. disciples sit at the feet and learn to be like their master. a believer just want to know what to get out of the master.
8. we are called to be fishers of men not keepers of the aquarium.
9. it is equally bad to run on empty and running after emptiness.
10. reveal. reverse. release. there is always a reverse after God reveals but He will release if you still believe.

sitting there listening to how other ppl like edmund chan, danny guglielmucci, nick resce, gary rucci had journeyed their life had been refreshing. i had learned loads of things but what thing i catch is the spirit of these men, they can really hear from God and i'm not joking. time to go back to the mountain and seek God for myself because i know that God too. the best thing, i was not force to be there, i chose to be there. it is nice when you have such a freedom.

"Forget about what happened, don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands." isaiah 43.18-19

another story

another story that hopefully doesn't happen but so often happen.

she called out of the blue. he met his ex gf, the only love he has before he gets married to his now lovely wife. it is just a catch up moment so nothing much to worry about. despite the fact that she is already in her 40's doesn't one bit change the feeling, she looks as good as she was 25 years ago. you never thought that feelings last that long, do you? the time together was good to dig back up old times. but he thinks that one time is enough besides he has a busy schedule. so they said their goodbyes. she gave him a smack on the cheek. that was simple but after that night he starts thinking of the "what if". we so often do this, don't we? we doesn't resolve those things when it is fresh and after like dinasour years those same questions still come to haunt us.

anyway he got busy and carried away by work till she calls again. the conversation got pretty interesting and they started flirting. she said "i wish you are here, i need a hug" and he admitted the stupid him answered "yah, if i'm there i would". i know how often we can get carried away by this: it's-just-a-joke-so-i-don't-need-to-be-responsible-yet-i-don't-mind- being-honest-and-flirt-with-you-kind-of-feeling'. the adrenaline rush totally made him felt like high school again.

days went by, he was busy but they managed to slot in another appointment. this time it wouldn't go wrong because it is in macdonald's. i mean it is an unromantic, filled with ppl place... nothing can go wrong in such a place so he reasoned that should not do him any harm. so there they picked up from where they last ended the conversations. she remembered, "can you hug me now." he said "sure", he put one of his hand around her and let her rest on him. it is not a big deal honestly but i forgotten to say that he is a very reputable married man in his town. i mean it is like mahathir saw hugging another woman. (i mean besides the point that a muslim man can have 4 wives, and our prime minister badawi is getting himself another wife) i mean it will quite affect his image. he knew what he was doing and that day he did what he thought was most dangerous now to reflect back. he decided that night "i don't care". maybe that day he decides to echo bublé irresponsible. he didn't care who is watching, what is at stake, he just wants to enjoy the moment. he sent her back and get the same goodbye kiss on the cheek.

the story didn't progress further, she left town to go back oversea. it didn't end there for him though. it keeps him thinking. he saw what his heart was capable to do. he went into a depression and confusion, it was as if it was yesterday he broke off and he was mourning. he couldn't believe how weak he can get. he immediately lose his appetite for the word of God and prayer. it was so disturbing, he confessed it to his wife. he asked her this question "can a man love two women at the same time?" he didn't mention what his wife answer though i have my stand -- my answer is yes. anyway his honesty and his trust didn't disappoint, she stood by his side till they move on from that stage.

i think he had not really get into big trouble compare to many, merely playing around with temptation. i do not have the right to comment him anyway but this whole thing highlighted to me how i always want to push my own limit. how i so often want to stand near the edge to proof a point that i can resist sin when it comes despite knowing what i am weak in.

i respect him for his transparency to share his private life and envy that both of them has such a soulmate relationship. it is really ideal to have a man that will trust and share with you everything isn't it? and my ideal to be that woman that will take everything that comes. even though i believe these two is a process. the man to learn to trust the wife, and the woman to learn to handle the truth. most of the time the man stops at she-won't-understand,-i-better-not-let-her-know. or a woman that freaks out over the whole matter not wanting an explanation. at the end of the day, i believe two person who is willing to talk can overcome everything. just like when you put two men that hate each other in a room together, they will come out reconciled. provided of course they don't kill each other before that i mean.

i love to ask questions like these. take the quiz.

to him:
1. will you allow yourself to have an affair with another person?
2. will you tell your wife?
3. will you want both? or will you actually let go of the person you married?

to her:
1. would you forgive your husband if he commits adultery?
2. would you rather he has an affair with another woman or another man?
3. so if it is a man, will you keep that marriage, assuming your first answer is yes.

---
answer
to him:
1. if yes is your answer. you are doomed to fall. because even when your answer is no, you just might fail.
2. if you have the courage to make that mistake, have the courage to tell your wife.
3. also decide first who you love more before the day you say 'i do'. and since you have the liberty to pursue whom you love, grab hold of it now. marry the person you love the most than this issue has a lesser chance to surface. because if you want both, it just shows how selfish you are because both of them will never end up happy. because though man is capable to love more than one, most woman only wants to be the one.

to her:
1. if yes is your answer, you might still not be able to handle it when it comes. i know what i'm saying. when you think you can totally trust him and he turns around with a bite is not easy to handle. how insecurity can continue to haunt you with you-are-not-good-enough. if no is your answer, you might totally surprise yourself when you realised that you love someone so much you can actually forgive the person. as you can see i'm not telling you my answer. just in case my husband-to-be read this. never let your man knows you will forgive him for this, it is a license to sin. but never tell him you will leave him too, he will never tell you the truth. it is difficult being a woman, yah i know.
2. i rather it is a man because i might die comparing myself with her. though my friend once make a reasonable point. "if not then you'll feel insecure when he goes out with girls or even guys." probably true.
3. this is good isn't it? i'm not telling you my answer hahaha...

"When life comes rushing at you out of the darkness who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? And will their love for you help them to guide you to the light, or will they lose their way in the darkness? Will they make noble choices? Or will that person be untested, someone new?

Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. When it does, is there someone in your life you can count on -- someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall, and in that moment, give you the strength to face your fears?" lucas scott from OTH

top 10 ways to keep you awake

had been sleeping in average a total of 6 hours, breaking that down to morning sleep and nap. but amazingly i am still very awake. so now let me share with you the secret.

1. not work at all one day in a week
you will be amazed how you can go another week after that one day rest

2. have a power nap
or even just close your eyes and lie flat on the bed

3. get a massage
my little sis, 14 years old skill is on par with the thai girls. i really don't know where she learns that

4. read all the hot news on HELLO! magazine
a smile lighten up your day.

5. make a super cold aik cheong iced coffee
coke will do too. dependant on your mood. cold and sweet stuff does keep you awake. i change my cold drinks every hour.

6. have a part time bf
company him for the movie while i take break. i was quite sleepy in the beginning, but to see such good looking couple get together is worth it. i mean to see them two kiss is unreal. the proposal was cheesy but still i buy that, so romantic hehe... anyway where on earth can you find two such good looking person come together?
(oh brad pitt and angelina jolie..., anyway did i say this before? at the mention of brad's name after the movie troy, i can't stop seeing the image of his sexy tight butt, i really feel like grabbing it. now i really believe how powerful images can be).
he companied me for dinner as well after my long day of work tonight. that was very sweet isn't it, who says ex can't be good friends again. always thankful to have him around especially when i need a part time bf, FWB (friend with benefits) muahaha... well we make use of each other but we are cool with it. suitable for non committed, lonely and busy ppl like the two of us.

7. check some blogs
however the clicking thing works. just click some bookmarks.

8. let your mind go wild
sitting down here to type a blog or scribbling some stuff on my diary can be quite therapeutic.

9. do some crazy things
like removing the hairs from the leg of the birthday boy.

4 guys pinned him down while i do the simple stick and peel thingin. honestly i havent use this thing before, i cannot believe a guy use that before me. he should consider that an honour. anyway that sexy leg is not his. though we dont really spent a lot of time together now but being there at james' birthday is a simple sign i'm still here sharing life with him. it is like a milestone for our friendship and the amount of victory for man u.

10. sing-a-long
let your itunes run on random and just sing-a-long. hahaha though this is an extension of crazy things. singing it loud can make you even more awake. recommended: dying inside to hold you by timmy thomas, i will survive by gloria gaynor

----------------
up and coming
1. shrek on sunday with huay phing
2. birthday party at velvet with my new gf next saturday, she actually invites me. meaning, i'm had been quite a nice company, isn't it? how sweet :)
3. sleep, i need to sleep...

not sure what is my purpose in life now but i'm definitely making full use of my time.

what is her name?

am working hard these few nights, to entertain myself i read up some of the pages and i just couldn't understand this bit. how can his wife continue to love this man despite him having affairs twice. if it is a one night stand, we can consider that a mistake but these are obvious right at your face intentional. what do these women hold on to? their family? their children? or such great faith that true love will return. this had lead to a string of thoughts.

she said love is not a series of emotions, it is a kind of drive. a drive greater than sex drive. love had leaves it prints throughout generations in songs, poetry, paintings, legends. ppl actually conquer the highest mountains, do the craziest thing, overcome the greatest fear and die for love.

---
how does this phenomena begin?
how do we end up loving one and not the many out there?
at which point does it start? or how do we end it?
what happen in between do we have any part in it?

how does this unknown feeling take so much of our time?
how does this unknown fella come and take over our life?
how does this unknown source find its energy?
how does this unknown expression give us a reason to live?

someone that can disappoint us and appoint us at the same time
someone that can make us cry and the only one that can make us happy
what is this thing about? that burn us when we give too much
that hurts another when we do not give enough

how is it possible that in this selfish world that there is actually someone that we can care more than ourselves?
could this be the way out from our I-WORLD
could it be this is the reason why we ever live?
could it be?

is there a name to this light?





love.

love is her name.

----
still am very intrigue by this mystery.

the cure at troy

change removes what we hate about ourselves today and bring about what we want to see in ourselves tomorrow

i remembered there were a point in my life that i felt so out of place because i'm not exactly well read. i know nuts about celebrities or music, the who is with who. i always felt the need to know so that i can blend in a proper conversation with others. unfortunately i really dont know where to start, but God sees my humble heart and he made a way.

stumbling into FHM and HELLO make me now one of the most kepoh and well informed person in malaysia. or at least 2 weeks ahead. i normally read through the stories to understand how to arrange it while others just caught my attention because i was bored working. so now i know what drop dead gorgeous models look for in a guys to how many time this celebrities married, about when king and i will hit the theatre to movies that are not even on screen yet and for music what is recommended to download from their albums. fact that i can start hearing michael bublé before it started playing on hitz FM is a good sign. fact that i know most of the movies before it goes on the screen and finally i am putting names to these faces. it is all too good.

studying greeks philosophy to anthropology -- love, from gossips to politics (living history: hillary rodham clinton memoirs), from spirituality (IDMC and EDGE conference) to humanity (reading blogs).

well i guess that is why it is always said working is a learning curve. i'm enjoying every bit of it. now i just need to find a newspaper to work with so that i can start reading news and be an all rounders. well at least i know about lucky & flo. since most guys like intelligent girls maybe then i will be a babe to die for muahahahah.

inspired by clinton i just want to use this phrase, this is the time when hope and history rhyme.

all rolled into one

as a love expert by accident i get to hear many stories. especially at night, ppl tend to get more vulnerable and emotional. under desperation they like to throw their love stories to me. not that i can help, most of the time they just needed someone to share the weight of that emotions.

i enjoy hearing all the stories, emotions and feelings that comes with it. i concluded these are the common phase most lovers go thru:
1. the feelings of falling in love and recognising the symptoms. the obvious and not so obvious list.
2. the agony of waiting, guessing, reading signs and keeps talking about her.
3. the short lovey dovey till the fight, apathy and misunderstanding creep in-- the whole package that comes with it.
4. the break up and unresolved heart, or the patching up and making out.
5. the dunno-why-my-ex-behave-like-this phenomena
6. the waiting or the getting over it
7. the new crush (tips to get hook) and how the whole cycle starts all over again

none of the stage are enjoyable when you are in it because none of us can bear with the not-knowing-what-the-other-party-is-thinking part. the whole quest of wanting to know and be known. it takes two very willing soul to bare their hearts, two very humble mankind to lay down their pride to allow another into their life. until then there is no point of going through the whole cycle from one person to another. it will never come to the happy ending, well unless of course you are willing to settle for the second best.

---
so yah that was the lover part of me. this song suddenly came to my mind this morning:

I'm a bitch (pretty vain bitch),
I'm a lover (so in love with every love story)
I'm a child (a little girl when i want to be pampered),
I'm a mother (when i need to take care of my sis)
I'm a sinner(when i'm all rebellious),
I'm a saint (when i think of Him)
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am

since the day leng got discharged from the hospital, the mother part of me amplified.


i need to prepare lunch for my dear sister, the world knows when i cook it is news worthy


i need to make sure she eats her medicine, loads of them... that must be the biggest pill one had ever need to swallow

and watch dvd with her. the little child part of me was awaken while watching the movie, it's a boy girl thing. i was drooling over kevin zegers.

man... he looks good every angle especially without his shirts on plus the long hair, sexy

today i qualify to be the big sister

it is friday night, i do not need to rush my work tonight because i have the weekend to finish it so i decided to be a really nice sister. despite the nurses saying no electronic devices, but everyone is using their handphone there anyway so heck it. i sneaked in some entertainment to kill her boredom. apple went visit my sis, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. not forgetting the snacks that are in the drawer. honestly i'm really not sure why this ppl bring titbits for her? so here we go.


first thing, make sure we pull the curtain around. for cinema setting pls off the light


next, let's put up our auto chair


wah, finally... nice. this is my break too you know. sorry joe, only one set of ear piece. you just see picture.

---
TIME BREAK she has got guest. so i went out to take supper with justin. too many cup noodle in a day, i need something different. now the second entrance will be more drama. that is sneaking into the room at 11pm. long overdue visiting hour. pass the guard, in the room, behind the curtain... phew. safe. opppsss... sshhhh... i can see the leg of the nurse behind the curtain. quickly i lift up both my legs, making sure she doesn't see mine. 1, 2, 3. door close.
---


the movie continued. this time it is pitch dark. honestly this is really fun.

door open, nurse came in for medicine time. "eh you got to go you know." "ok." just nice. we are done. it's already 12 and i just finish partying with my sis. now it is bedtime... zzz.

2am my house phone rang. i had to admit i freaked out. turn out it wasn't that bad, my bro's car cannot start and he is in kl. thank God we have AAM. honestly this rm60 annual fee is super worth it. call them anytime and they will come rescue you, flat tyre, battery dead, accident... highly recommended for girls that doesn't have a boyfriend but also for guys that know nuts about their nicely polish car. and yah mine is insured to me not the car. so it helps no matter whose car i am in. i just need to jump over to the driver seat when they come hehehe. this card had saved me and my friends quite a few time. i'm so glad i don't need to drive to kl to help him, if not indeed this is a FRIDAY news. good night.

my mind went around the world

thursday
surprisingly nothing much happen. i mean i barely do anything the last 24 hour except:

be the part time mummy
1. boil water, refill the water
2. do the laundry before my bro run out of his undies
3. clean up the hair that is slowly covering the surface of my floor

taking break from my responsibilities
1. visit leng. just for laugh, i told her "leng i stay up and work at home, i sleep with you when i come visit you ok?"
2. make super cold drinks to wake myself up
3. 5 minutes journaling (precious)

necessity
1. took cup noodle for lunch and dinner
2 shower once, we shall not start counting toilet break
3. get my starbucks from the hospital

the fact that i mulled over the idea of sneaking out to watch shrek was quite sexy. then i thought nah, i better go get some sleep if i have the time. still i slept only at 6am, i wonder what time i need to sleep if i do go for the movie.

anyway i'm really glad i'm working from home, if not i might not have the time and strength to do all this. had been taking all my clients job bags from the ftp sites, and emailing them for corrections. i just realise that i can be at about anywhere in the world and still perform the same job, all i need is stable internet connection. with technology like this, i dont see why ppl need to be in the office anymore. also at this very point i'm doing jobs for FHM mediacorp, BluINC, Hot Potato Publishing- HELLO magazine and yes i'm very proud of myself because when you mention publishing we know these 3 are not nobody. i think i will never be able to boast about better portfolio that these. and to add to the spice, i'm hired (yes paid) to plan a wedding. you cannot believe someone actually trust me with the most important day of her life. yup, i stumbled into such an opportunity. when passion and job kiss each other :) sweet

so no complain for the sleepless night. i just smile at the thought that maybe this time next year, doing these same job i can be sitting about anywhere... las vegas with my cousins, sun bathing on our east coast beach with monica, bangkok with steph. ok enough day dreaming. gotta go back to work.

it just gets better

tuesday
1st cookie
so i wake up and decided i will make this good. i guess as we grow old, i just don't want to lose any friends unlike the small girl "i dont friend you anymore", "dont friend, dont friend le".

so i smsed her for dinner and i let her throwed me the whole side of her story and i gave her mine. what had been done is already done, so i just wanted her to know how i felt. giving her a chance to explain does helps, so now i also wanted to make sure she doesn't feel horrible after this whole thing. because i had been on her side of the story and i know how that feels too. as much as i tried, it turns up so so but not too bad, i think we are still friends. but i am very happy about how we handle this whole thing. at least we have a chance to hear each other out.

2nd cookie
if that is not draining enough, i had a flat tyre. i called AAM so that i dont need to dirty my fingers but i gave up waiting so i just plunged my hands into it. honestly i was actually excited since i had not done this for a while. then prince charming came, kidding... i mean a nice guy came and did the whole works for me. though i told him i know how to do it but i got not enough strength to unscrew the tyre. he was very nice when he said "it's ok le, let me do this dirty work for you". (though i know how to do the whole thing, trust me i had done it before). anyway thank you, i didn't even manage to ask his name, he just say no prob and walked off. really not expecting anything, i think an angel just passed by.

wednesday
1st cookie
with meetings and appointments cramped from morning till noon, i finally decided to skip my gym class for the day and remove my lunch appointment with my buddies. still i can't remove the most important thing which is to get my tyre fix. and no it is not a rm10 repair, it is a rm520 repair. you see it is burst, so i need to change the tyre and since you always have to change two... mind as well change all four. and so i thank GOD well at least i'm forced to change my tyres which is long overdue. for safety, this is necessary.

2nd cookie
then meetings after meetings back to back, it all went on well till 4pm leng called me. "i need to be hospitalised, i'm scared, can you come". if you have forgotten about my experience with this hospital, this is for you. so the whole waiting process begin. not to mention she started the wait since noon, long before me.

yes of all time, my mum is in singapore and my dad is in china for work. when the nurse ask, who do i contact in case of emergency. she pointed to me, "my mum". i cannot believe she actually wrote that down till we both burst out in laughters. our impression of her is she must be quite fun to ask "who is the patient?", when she saw both of us lying on the bed together. oh yah, i suddenly realised why we are call patient, do you thing it has to do with the waiting.

so at 7pm we met the doctor in charge. leng has a 4cm cyst on one side of her ovary and 9cm cyst on the other. she told me her friend has a 50 cents sized cyst and doctor said she need to be operated. so i laughed "then i guess 1 dollar (paper note, no more rm1 coin in malaysia) definitely had to go." and yes an operation tonight.

playtime is over, she was in pain and she teared when all the stuff was poke to her. the last time i see her cry was when she was studying for her finals in college. i guess all this caught her offguard too. you see my family has this cultural that we dont really see the doctor till we are seriously ill. we are not those rich brad that go to see the doctor when we have a sneeze or two, i guess this is what you get in exchange surprise. but to lighten the mode up we cracked another joke. she said "i think it is time to play the tong hua soundtrack for me." she was in tears and laughters which i can't differentiate anymore.

so finally she was pushed to the operation room at 9pm. i called my dad and told him about it. i thought i was holding up pretty well till i put down that phone. tears welled in my eyes, i think i am a bit overwhelmed. driving back lots of things run through my mind but one of the most important one is this. i think the devil is really giving me his best shot. and you know what i'm still feeling good, never felt better.

ok got to go bring some stuff to the hospital for my sis and a marathon of work tonight. i'm ok, dont ask me why. i had change quite a bit over the last few years. i am not sorry about that unlike many for me because i kind of like the softer side of me. today i see a reflection of something familiar (what is that word FAITH? strength? depth? spirit of GOD inside me?... whatever), the only bit about myself that i miss. tell me how can i not love who i am now? im at my best :)

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pls pray for my sis. for your info she is out of the operation room already. everything should be ok. and ya pray for me too, may i continue to have this good spirit to face thursday, friday, saturday and sunday. whatever is installed for me. stay tune to this spine-tingling life of mine.

new life old shit

a month ago i took a break from blogging, you can call that fasting from blogging. once a while you just need to stop doin what you always do so that you know why you do what you do. i had already decided i want to focus on my own life. i was beginning to enjoy singlehood again and the company of friends around me. works had been coming in and everything looks good.

as of this morning, i wanted to wake up and brag about my new life. then shit happens, as they always do. always faster than i hope. as if happiness cannot meet the morning sun, they always go.

1. I HATE IT when i always share so much with ppl. i felt that there is a necessity to be transparent with my friends, for the sake of bonding or to liberate each other. again and again being betrayed. taking the courage to share again is no joke. still i had always choose to share.
2. I HATE IT when they do not ask my permission before speaking for me. as if they know everything about me. more so she didn't even tell me before or after.
3. I HATE IT even more when they misquote and misrepresent me. i always get this. a torn in my flesh.
4. I HATE IT after his friends does it, my friend needs to do the same stupid thing. AND I SWEAR IN MY LIFE never to be in between other ppl relationship.
5. I HATE IT having warned her not to say or do anything stupid, she did. promises don't mean a thing out there.
6. I HATE IT i was the one that brought the two of them together and then i became the excuse for them to meet.
7. I HATE IT that he called. it doesn't matter he is not friendly but he needs to come in between my other friendship.
8. I HATE IT he talked to 1001 unrelated ppl about this, and i never had the rights to speak for myself.
9. I HATE IT because he again and again destroys the little that i have.
10. I HATE IT he never once feel sorry about it. never once apologise for it. if there is such thing as kharma, in my previous life i must had owed him my life so now i'm repaying my debts.

suppose to start the new entry with new life, but you see shit happens everday. before you have the chance to celebrate the new friendship, something comes to destroy it. when you are about to see breakthrough, something is sure to happen. remember the movie pursuit of happyness. the car got clamped, machine got stolen, wife left, put in lock up, unpaid jobs, being used. but you know what, i ain't giving up. you throw me a staff i will use it to split the red sea. YOU CAN'T BREAK ME, SHOW ME WHAT ELSE YOU HAVE LITTLE DEVIL! one day you will regret and you will back off from me. don't mess up with the child of God.

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for those that had been faithfully clicking this blog, you know who you are. this is for you, i'm back. stronger than you think. :)