the substitute

it is true, i'm a loner. i don't need friends. i was never born with a community around me, never raised that way. i can kick off a project all by myself, i can even don't go out and just laze at home the whole day. i used to be very ignorant about other ppl but after i know God i learn to see more in ppl. i began to recognise everyone has a story to tell. onetreehill puts it this way "When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." i know that i cannot be there for everyone at everytime, but in every moment i am with them i just hope to dig deeper into their life more than the surface. even if it means i'll never see them again i hope that they feel a little special after that day. i tried to sustain some friendships, meeting them eventhough i'm lacking of sleep, i tried to be that company to them when they have no one around them, i tried to hear them, i tried to fetch them, i tried to go out though i'm like broke, i tried. i tried.

i guess the movie elizabethtown best describe the character, kirsten dunst said "i'm a substitute, always taking the place of ideals in other people’s lives, until those ideal people appear. it works for me since i like being alone." more and more i come to term, maybe i am just that. i am honest i am not upset and i wouldn't say i'm jealous of their new friendships or new boyfriends. sometimes it is not even obvious, it just happen and the friendship will start to stray away. i wouldn't say that is something very sacrificial or i am a victim. i'm just stating a fact. i'm not sure if it happens to everybody, i mean ppl come and go right?

in all these, i'm fine i wouldn't even consider that ppl make use of me. but what sadden me the most is when i get misunderstood. as we grow up things get more complicated and i hate that very bit of it. i used to think that we get more mature as we grow up, that we will not be so petty over small things. but i just found out that it might just be the opposite. somehow ppl tend to be more sensitive to what i say, more watchful of my motives, more judgemental about my actions. i thought all things can be talk through but like how onetreehill puts it again "When things get bad, I always… find a way to make them worse". it is like there is no turning back, i come to realised that sometimes it is just pretty hard to restore those broken friendships.

"have you ever woken up from a really good dream and just try to get back to sleep? or have you ever had the flu and promise youself that you will appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it? that's the way i feel. i just want things to go back to the way that they were." onetreehill

how i wish that i can just press that 'undo' button and erase everything that happen but it doesn't work that way, does it? i mean i remember i said, i wish that i can wake up and have a partial memory lost. maybe ppl will sympathise my lost and wipe out those things in between us. and in the midst of helping me recover, we might have a chance to built back genuine friendships.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i'm a bit tired of trying. there is no doubt there are times that we upset each other but i'm trying to live my life the best that i could. i tried to share my life. and as usual you know i'm bad with my communication. it comes out wrong most of the time. but for the sake of those moments i stood by you when no one is around, those moments i was with you on the phone when you need someone to talk too, those moments i gave you courage when you didn't believe in yourselves, those moments i see the better side of you when others don't. for the sake of that pls know that my friendship for you was genuine. will you just accept my apology. you can forget me all together but just don't hate me. i don't like being in other ppl hate-list.

i'm glad you found your new friends or have your old friends back or even found yourself a companion for that matter. at least i had played my part to be there till your ideal people arrive. call me when you are ready to be friends again or maybe we might just bum into each other a few years down the road. hopefully by then we will forget all these small little things and have a better start. don't worry about me. like i said i'm a substitute...


"i'm not easy to forget but i'm hard to remember" elizabethtown

---
more than one, more than two, more than three. man, how many friendships need to go wrong this season? you notice a lot of quotations around, probably they speak better for me now.