finished my shoot at 2am. still remember when i left my house this morning, my eyes are already too tired to put on my lenses.
knee still painful. blood test showed that it is not a health problem. need to go for further check up. but don't have the cash to do it. need to plan that when i am free. it normally doesn't hurt for so long, it's about a week now.
the magazine still not done, and i know it will take forever to do that world map. i don't even feel like starting on it.
meeting a new client tomorrow or wednesday, my goodness i can't even remember what she said to me but i think i am not going to take that job. i really don't feel like it.
keep reminding myself not to stress my laptop too much because my mac was in comma over the weekend. i really didn't know what to do because the whole magazine layout is inside that hard disk. but thank God the service centre managed to recover back most of my things.
still thinking what God is teaching me even these few days. people. people. people.
need to plan my penang trip end of the month. going down for may and ky vern's wedding.
trying to make time to go to singapore. to meet people and get some money from my singapore account.
got facial appointment this thursday.
since he took my number to make sure we figure our way home on friday. she asked me today "did he call you?", yah that makes me wonder why he didn't call.
---
why am i not sleeping yet because i got a lot of things on my mind and i need to unwind before i go to bed.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Thursday, September 07, 2006
scar: the visible and not visible
e: i hope the blood test comes back with good results
cy: actually i want it to be health problem. then he will give me some pills and fix that. if not i will have to go through another test... he will put a scope into my knee and take some tissues inside to check what's wrong.
e: ouch... that sounds painful
cy: hope the result of this blood test will be positive. i don't want another scar on my knee
e: another?
cy: yah i got a lot of scars on my body and legs hahahahah
this leads to a new train of thoughts.
from birth
birth mark on my forehead
3 years old
sitches on my forehead. when my auntie pulled me to go upstairs, i refused bang to the edge of the stairs handle
4 years old
sitches on my eye brow. house renovation... the carpet rolled up. i jumped across and around it... then bang i knocked the glass door
5 years old
stiches on my chin. i didn't bring my swimsuit on swimming day in pre school. i still want to walk around the pool so i slipped.
one for every year. i got slightly better after that.
about 9 years old
a burn scar on my leg. i was waiting for my school bus then i was standing very near a bike. the exhaust pipe is still burning hot and a touch is enough.
12 years old
a tattoo on my hand. shortly after i take my BCG shot, someone accidentally pushed me and it hit the door. the started to grow a little and of course my itchy hand didn't help.
14 years old
hurt both side of my legs while i was walking home from school then i wrongly estimate, i fell into the big longkang. my dad always tease me "must be looking at guys, that is why you didn't keep your eyes on the road."
---
scars on my physical body had cause me to feel insecure a lot of time but at least i know about it and i know how to face it. sometimes i wonder how many wounds and scars are on my heart that are still affecting what i am doing today. people say "it is a matter of time, wound will heal" but i am beginning to think likewise because these scars had never leave me.
cy: actually i want it to be health problem. then he will give me some pills and fix that. if not i will have to go through another test... he will put a scope into my knee and take some tissues inside to check what's wrong.
e: ouch... that sounds painful
cy: hope the result of this blood test will be positive. i don't want another scar on my knee
e: another?
cy: yah i got a lot of scars on my body and legs hahahahah
this leads to a new train of thoughts.
from birth
birth mark on my forehead
3 years old
sitches on my forehead. when my auntie pulled me to go upstairs, i refused bang to the edge of the stairs handle
4 years old
sitches on my eye brow. house renovation... the carpet rolled up. i jumped across and around it... then bang i knocked the glass door
5 years old
stiches on my chin. i didn't bring my swimsuit on swimming day in pre school. i still want to walk around the pool so i slipped.
one for every year. i got slightly better after that.
about 9 years old
a burn scar on my leg. i was waiting for my school bus then i was standing very near a bike. the exhaust pipe is still burning hot and a touch is enough.
12 years old
a tattoo on my hand. shortly after i take my BCG shot, someone accidentally pushed me and it hit the door. the started to grow a little and of course my itchy hand didn't help.
14 years old
hurt both side of my legs while i was walking home from school then i wrongly estimate, i fell into the big longkang. my dad always tease me "must be looking at guys, that is why you didn't keep your eyes on the road."
---
scars on my physical body had cause me to feel insecure a lot of time but at least i know about it and i know how to face it. sometimes i wonder how many wounds and scars are on my heart that are still affecting what i am doing today. people say "it is a matter of time, wound will heal" but i am beginning to think likewise because these scars had never leave me.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
what i heard so far
it comes to a point when i know all the ppl around me know what i am going through. i would say that it affects a lot the opinions they give me. i would say i am looking for fresh words.
cy: since you preach the message stuck in the moment. how do i know i am stuck/stagnant or it is a waiting time?
ps nick: if you are stuck you are walking in circles, you don't have a purpose. if you are waiting you have the peace. are you disappointed about anything?
cy: ... (i said something)
ps nick: i heard that word in my heart too.
after he prayed for me. "i tell you what you should do, keep a journal for 21 days and start listening to God again.
now i understand a little. to be stucked is like the israelites in the desert but waiting can be with disappointment like joseph but a peace from within.
---
Day 1: drop and listen
Drop everything and listen, listen as he speaks:
"Don't turn a deaf ear as in the Bitter Uprising,
As on the day of the Wilderness Test,
When your ancestors turned and put me to the test.
For forty years they watched me at work among them,
as over and over they tried my patience.
And i was provoked-oh was i provoked!
'Can't they keep their minds on God for five minutes?
Do they simply refuse to walk down my road?'
Exasperated, i exploded,
They'll never get where they're headed,
never be able to sit down and rest.' psalm95.7-11
if you read the déjà vu entry you will know that i had been weighing which category i belong to. i vividly remember that God told me to drop everything and just love Him, i ought to have that peace. the verse today affirms me of this decision. which category am i in? it might not be an or but an and. i am stuck because i had drop everything but i had not fulfill the latter. i am feeling better at least i know i am not too far from the right track.
Day 2: to serve beyond the church
"i cannot pastor a church anymore if all we do is look after Christians."
"it is time for the church to love the community, just love them like Jesus does and not just to convert them. Jesus never say i will heal you if you believe in me." Ps Danny Guglielmucci.
i said those words before and i am really pondering on that. he did something after that statement but i had not. there is something God has put in my heart that i had not done. how should my team be? a dream team is not to robe in ppl to do but gather those that wants to do. this time we are not looking for moses that says "i can't speak, i can't lead". we are looking for ezekiel that says "here am i, sent me". we are not looking for the capable but the willing. but to gather a team like this might take forever, so if God is willing.
Day 3: community=the common struggles that unite us
my kids want to meet me. we shared about what we are struggling now and how we would like to fix it. all of them couldn't really tell what they had learned from the conference but we are using this conference to be the beginning of change. once again i am bless by just meeting with them. the transparency, trust and love they have for each other. i know at least they are not stumbled by my action especially when i am sharing and ivan asked "you have drop everything so have you start loving Him yet?" my goodness my kid think like me. which i humbly answer, not yet and finish my sharing for day 1. we all prayed and they prayed for me too. btw did i tell you i never feel that to be a role model to them means that i need to hide my struggle from them.
---
yes, usually i blog about things i think about only after a few days so that it is not just a spur of a moment. anyway i don't seem to be hearing anything these few days. the thing is after this conference i don't feel a great excitement to serve, nor a great presence of God that struck me. i merely felt affirmed for things that i had been hearing from my heart and that is very important to me. honestly life is going on as usual but maybe i am not as confuse about my relationship with God.
cy: since you preach the message stuck in the moment. how do i know i am stuck/stagnant or it is a waiting time?
ps nick: if you are stuck you are walking in circles, you don't have a purpose. if you are waiting you have the peace. are you disappointed about anything?
cy: ... (i said something)
ps nick: i heard that word in my heart too.
after he prayed for me. "i tell you what you should do, keep a journal for 21 days and start listening to God again.
now i understand a little. to be stucked is like the israelites in the desert but waiting can be with disappointment like joseph but a peace from within.
---
Day 1: drop and listen
Drop everything and listen, listen as he speaks:
"Don't turn a deaf ear as in the Bitter Uprising,
As on the day of the Wilderness Test,
When your ancestors turned and put me to the test.
For forty years they watched me at work among them,
as over and over they tried my patience.
And i was provoked-oh was i provoked!
'Can't they keep their minds on God for five minutes?
Do they simply refuse to walk down my road?'
Exasperated, i exploded,
They'll never get where they're headed,
never be able to sit down and rest.' psalm95.7-11
if you read the déjà vu entry you will know that i had been weighing which category i belong to. i vividly remember that God told me to drop everything and just love Him, i ought to have that peace. the verse today affirms me of this decision. which category am i in? it might not be an or but an and. i am stuck because i had drop everything but i had not fulfill the latter. i am feeling better at least i know i am not too far from the right track.
Day 2: to serve beyond the church
"i cannot pastor a church anymore if all we do is look after Christians."
"it is time for the church to love the community, just love them like Jesus does and not just to convert them. Jesus never say i will heal you if you believe in me." Ps Danny Guglielmucci.
i said those words before and i am really pondering on that. he did something after that statement but i had not. there is something God has put in my heart that i had not done. how should my team be? a dream team is not to robe in ppl to do but gather those that wants to do. this time we are not looking for moses that says "i can't speak, i can't lead". we are looking for ezekiel that says "here am i, sent me". we are not looking for the capable but the willing. but to gather a team like this might take forever, so if God is willing.
Day 3: community=the common struggles that unite us
my kids want to meet me. we shared about what we are struggling now and how we would like to fix it. all of them couldn't really tell what they had learned from the conference but we are using this conference to be the beginning of change. once again i am bless by just meeting with them. the transparency, trust and love they have for each other. i know at least they are not stumbled by my action especially when i am sharing and ivan asked "you have drop everything so have you start loving Him yet?" my goodness my kid think like me. which i humbly answer, not yet and finish my sharing for day 1. we all prayed and they prayed for me too. btw did i tell you i never feel that to be a role model to them means that i need to hide my struggle from them.
---
yes, usually i blog about things i think about only after a few days so that it is not just a spur of a moment. anyway i don't seem to be hearing anything these few days. the thing is after this conference i don't feel a great excitement to serve, nor a great presence of God that struck me. i merely felt affirmed for things that i had been hearing from my heart and that is very important to me. honestly life is going on as usual but maybe i am not as confuse about my relationship with God.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
please wait
3.00 i went to the clinic outside my house. he refered me to sunway medical centre.
3.20 i went to sunway medical centre.
3.25 i parked my car.
3.30 i walked to the information counter. i gave her the refered letter from the clinic. she directed me to the emergency ward.
3.35 i asked the nurse at the emergency ward counter. she told me to go to the information counter. i told her that is where i came from. she took a look at my letter and send me to the first floor.
3.40 i went up to the counter on first floor. she directed me to counter 1.
3.45 i walked over to the direction she pointed and the nurse at the counter said there is no counter 1, this is counter 2 she said. "fine, so do i register here?". i showed her the letter. she gave me a form to register. she asked me: "do you want to see a chinese, indian or malay doctor?" (later i came to understand it wasn't a racist thing, it helps for those who can't communicate in other language)
3.50 i was told to wait.
4.15 i am still waiting. i checked the room of the doctor, it was opened. he is not inside. i checked with the nurse, he was checking on a patient at the ward.
4.50 the doctor is back. finally. one patient went in.
4.55 he is out, ok that is fast. the next guy went in. i cannot stop laughing, "wow wait for him longer than see him".
5.00 "wong chai yen"... yes that is my name. i went in quickly. he kept asking me stuff about my knee. he told me a lot of stuff that i don't understand. "ok go and take your blood test, we can only comfirm what it is when the result is out."
5.05 the nurse right outside his office collected RM80 from me for his consultation fee. then she told me go over there to get your medicine and pay the balance.
5.10 just when you thought the waiting is over. "please take your number".
5.30 pay for registration fee and medicine RM140. "please wait for your name to be called to get your medicine."
5.35 i didn't care... i just walked to the medicine area, pointed to those tablets. "that is my name, can i take that and go take my blood test."
5.37 i went to ground floor. asked someone there. "oh blood test lower ground floor."
5.40 "please wait."
5.50 "wong chai yen". i look at the needle, man i had not seen a needle for quite a while. i am actually quite scared so i consoled myself, "look somewhere... it will be fine... like the way an ant bite you."
5.55 i successfully walked out of the hospital.
6.15 i am home.
RM80 for 5 minutes of jargon = RM16 per minute,
RM50 for 10 pills = RM5 for each pill,
RM75 for the blood test and lab work - great i have to pay RM75 for donating my O+ blood,
RM10 for the registration paper - according to my printing experience RM15 can print the whole registration book, so i just paid for half of it.
i don't normally go to the doctor. the most i can remember was when i was a bit overworked at page one. i need to see the doctor to get a mc when i don't feel like working. now that i am a freelancer, i don't need it anymore.
no wonder i don't see the doctor when i get sick. if i am having a fever, i rather sleep through the time of waiting. if i have a flu all the people in the hospital will be infected before i can see the doctor. if i am bleeding i think i will be dead by the time the doctor see me. anyway what's my problem, my knee swell again. why? oh the doctor said he can only tell after my blood test is out. so that he can see me again and this whole thing can repeat itself.
3.20 i went to sunway medical centre.
3.25 i parked my car.
3.30 i walked to the information counter. i gave her the refered letter from the clinic. she directed me to the emergency ward.
3.35 i asked the nurse at the emergency ward counter. she told me to go to the information counter. i told her that is where i came from. she took a look at my letter and send me to the first floor.
3.40 i went up to the counter on first floor. she directed me to counter 1.
3.45 i walked over to the direction she pointed and the nurse at the counter said there is no counter 1, this is counter 2 she said. "fine, so do i register here?". i showed her the letter. she gave me a form to register. she asked me: "do you want to see a chinese, indian or malay doctor?" (later i came to understand it wasn't a racist thing, it helps for those who can't communicate in other language)
3.50 i was told to wait.
4.15 i am still waiting. i checked the room of the doctor, it was opened. he is not inside. i checked with the nurse, he was checking on a patient at the ward.
4.50 the doctor is back. finally. one patient went in.
4.55 he is out, ok that is fast. the next guy went in. i cannot stop laughing, "wow wait for him longer than see him".
5.00 "wong chai yen"... yes that is my name. i went in quickly. he kept asking me stuff about my knee. he told me a lot of stuff that i don't understand. "ok go and take your blood test, we can only comfirm what it is when the result is out."
5.05 the nurse right outside his office collected RM80 from me for his consultation fee. then she told me go over there to get your medicine and pay the balance.
5.10 just when you thought the waiting is over. "please take your number".
5.30 pay for registration fee and medicine RM140. "please wait for your name to be called to get your medicine."
5.35 i didn't care... i just walked to the medicine area, pointed to those tablets. "that is my name, can i take that and go take my blood test."
5.37 i went to ground floor. asked someone there. "oh blood test lower ground floor."
5.40 "please wait."
5.50 "wong chai yen". i look at the needle, man i had not seen a needle for quite a while. i am actually quite scared so i consoled myself, "look somewhere... it will be fine... like the way an ant bite you."
5.55 i successfully walked out of the hospital.
6.15 i am home.
RM80 for 5 minutes of jargon = RM16 per minute,
RM50 for 10 pills = RM5 for each pill,
RM75 for the blood test and lab work - great i have to pay RM75 for donating my O+ blood,
RM10 for the registration paper - according to my printing experience RM15 can print the whole registration book, so i just paid for half of it.
i don't normally go to the doctor. the most i can remember was when i was a bit overworked at page one. i need to see the doctor to get a mc when i don't feel like working. now that i am a freelancer, i don't need it anymore.
no wonder i don't see the doctor when i get sick. if i am having a fever, i rather sleep through the time of waiting. if i have a flu all the people in the hospital will be infected before i can see the doctor. if i am bleeding i think i will be dead by the time the doctor see me. anyway what's my problem, my knee swell again. why? oh the doctor said he can only tell after my blood test is out. so that he can see me again and this whole thing can repeat itself.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
i wanted to be with you
i remember when i was kid. i did things that i never really like - football, colour marbles, eraser with the countries' flags - just to be with people. i will get extremely sad when they see me coming and leave me alone there to play other things. i didn't want to play with those stuff, i just wanted to be with them.
many will be surprise to hear me do sports because that is not who i am. swimming, running, climbing... as you know i rather sleep than to sweat. all that for the company.
i would love to travel and see the world. i thought that is totally romantic but if not with him what is the kick. i am not the kind of girl that will backpack and rough it all out in an alien country all by myself. yes, the bangkok and hong kong trips. all that for the company.
i would rather work, watch dvds and eat dinner at home. but i wanted some new colleague, ppl to laugh at me when i cry in the movies and talk to me during dinner. all that for the company.
then i wonder maybe things don't change much as you grow up, eventhough the manner change. therefore i do get sad still when ppl leave me alone to play with my things, i was here for the company. i am not sure if you understand me. it is not 'peer pressure'. i didn't come and join you so that i can feel 'in'. i walked out of my comfort zone so that i can spent some time with you. there are still days i drag to do those things i don't like to do and wish you will go and "watch ballet with me". but you are worth my time and i learn to enjoy those things, also maybe there are not too many things i like to do anyway.
---
DISCLAIMER: ballet is not my cup of tea, i took that phrase from the break-up. i just meant doing things i like to do. it makes me feel extremely special when you go out of your way to do things i like to do. is this a girl thing again?
many will be surprise to hear me do sports because that is not who i am. swimming, running, climbing... as you know i rather sleep than to sweat. all that for the company.
i would love to travel and see the world. i thought that is totally romantic but if not with him what is the kick. i am not the kind of girl that will backpack and rough it all out in an alien country all by myself. yes, the bangkok and hong kong trips. all that for the company.
i would rather work, watch dvds and eat dinner at home. but i wanted some new colleague, ppl to laugh at me when i cry in the movies and talk to me during dinner. all that for the company.
then i wonder maybe things don't change much as you grow up, eventhough the manner change. therefore i do get sad still when ppl leave me alone to play with my things, i was here for the company. i am not sure if you understand me. it is not 'peer pressure'. i didn't come and join you so that i can feel 'in'. i walked out of my comfort zone so that i can spent some time with you. there are still days i drag to do those things i don't like to do and wish you will go and "watch ballet with me". but you are worth my time and i learn to enjoy those things, also maybe there are not too many things i like to do anyway.
---
DISCLAIMER: ballet is not my cup of tea, i took that phrase from the break-up. i just meant doing things i like to do. it makes me feel extremely special when you go out of your way to do things i like to do. is this a girl thing again?
Thursday, August 31, 2006
he makes my day again
i dreamt of him last night. his office was having a team building training in a big open space that i happen to be. i saw him in the midst of a great pool of people. i was thinking of walking up to him but i didn't want to make the first move*. so i just kept both my eyes on him. i watched him talk and laugh among his friends, i was pretty happy for him.
then one of his leader gather all of them including us. that guy actually made me go up the stage to say something. GREAT! now he can see me. after i walk down the stage i saw him walking towards me from afar. i walked to that direction but i pretend i didn't know he is there*.
kai: hi!
cy: hey! where have you been?
kai: there is something i kept in my heart all these years.
a moment of silence...
kai: i still love you, do you know that?
cy: ... but you never come and find me :(
kai: i did, i came to find you at your white gate but you are not there.
---
*i am still a girl in my dream. i was still reluctant to make the first move.
not that i still want to be with him but to find him again is like i found a piece of myself that i left with him when he walked away from me. honestly, not sure if that is true but i started feeling more insecure and hard to trust someone after my relationship with him. even though it is a dream, it is pretty sweet to have someone come and tell you he still loves you after all these years :)
did i tell you i like to dream, i have a lot more interesting dreams but some of it are just not suitable to be shared now haha... just that i find myself closing my eyes hard at times hoping that i will never wake up from some of those dreams. sweet.
---
i am pretty sure he will never read this blog because i don't think he uses the internet at all. but i just found out that justin read this blog when he told me "i know about that cassette". oopsss.
then one of his leader gather all of them including us. that guy actually made me go up the stage to say something. GREAT! now he can see me. after i walk down the stage i saw him walking towards me from afar. i walked to that direction but i pretend i didn't know he is there*.
kai: hi!
cy: hey! where have you been?
kai: there is something i kept in my heart all these years.
a moment of silence...
kai: i still love you, do you know that?
cy: ... but you never come and find me :(
kai: i did, i came to find you at your white gate but you are not there.
---
*i am still a girl in my dream. i was still reluctant to make the first move.
not that i still want to be with him but to find him again is like i found a piece of myself that i left with him when he walked away from me. honestly, not sure if that is true but i started feeling more insecure and hard to trust someone after my relationship with him. even though it is a dream, it is pretty sweet to have someone come and tell you he still loves you after all these years :)
did i tell you i like to dream, i have a lot more interesting dreams but some of it are just not suitable to be shared now haha... just that i find myself closing my eyes hard at times hoping that i will never wake up from some of those dreams. sweet.
---
i am pretty sure he will never read this blog because i don't think he uses the internet at all. but i just found out that justin read this blog when he told me "i know about that cassette". oopsss.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
i had been thinking of you
it had been a busy week, juggling between the conference and work. i do not really have the time to check any blog. all the time that was left i used it to sleep. but that had not keep me from reflecting on my life and journalling. i have not stop thinking, i guess i just can't stop. why do ppl do this or why not?
this is one set of my many thought: i wonder how many times do ppl visit my blog in a day? what do they do when they keep visiting and find out that i have not update my blog. will they give up checking? will they reason that my life had been uneventful? will they call to find out how i am doing? or at least sms me? why do they not want me to know they visit my blog? what if i have a way of finding out, will they still visit my blog? why do ppl who doesn't know me read my blog? why kind of person do they think i am? do my thoughts inspire ppl at all?
i know i had said this before but i am really curious? is my blog just a reading material or you read because you want to know how i am doing? i dare say if you do read my blog you will really know how i am doing because i am not a blogger that blogs my routine but more like the condition of my heart. therefore my entries can be contradictory at times because that could be just how i felt that day.
some of my entries might sound pretty depressing but i was just trying to be honest with how i feel. and yes i am a very emotional person. i know not everyone know how to react to that but bare with me i am trying to be truthful to how i feel.
---
what about the conference? i will blog about it later. ps nick told me to keep a journal for 21 days and ask God to give me direction. i am not sure why that magic number. keep your eyes on this page especially those of you that are struggling from quater-life crisis because i asked him this question: "how do you know that you are stagnant (stuck) or it is just a waiting process (ministry of darkness-when God seems silence though present)?" the million-dollar-question, he gave me a fairly good answer. i am processing myself now.
this is one set of my many thought: i wonder how many times do ppl visit my blog in a day? what do they do when they keep visiting and find out that i have not update my blog. will they give up checking? will they reason that my life had been uneventful? will they call to find out how i am doing? or at least sms me? why do they not want me to know they visit my blog? what if i have a way of finding out, will they still visit my blog? why do ppl who doesn't know me read my blog? why kind of person do they think i am? do my thoughts inspire ppl at all?
i know i had said this before but i am really curious? is my blog just a reading material or you read because you want to know how i am doing? i dare say if you do read my blog you will really know how i am doing because i am not a blogger that blogs my routine but more like the condition of my heart. therefore my entries can be contradictory at times because that could be just how i felt that day.
some of my entries might sound pretty depressing but i was just trying to be honest with how i feel. and yes i am a very emotional person. i know not everyone know how to react to that but bare with me i am trying to be truthful to how i feel.
---
what about the conference? i will blog about it later. ps nick told me to keep a journal for 21 days and ask God to give me direction. i am not sure why that magic number. keep your eyes on this page especially those of you that are struggling from quater-life crisis because i asked him this question: "how do you know that you are stagnant (stuck) or it is just a waiting process (ministry of darkness-when God seems silence though present)?" the million-dollar-question, he gave me a fairly good answer. i am processing myself now.
Friday, August 25, 2006
déjà vu
ppl used to tell me i am always very sure of what i want to do. i guess so too. but the decisions i made the last 2 years somehow made even myself doubt i am sure anymore. maybe because the choices i made are so different from what is common. definitely ppl has stop commenting me for that.
i am very busy this week, still got work to catch up with, so i am really not free to check anyone blog. for some reason i clicked the blog of this guy who doesn't even update his blog like for months. i would not have click his blog if he doesn't tell me he had updated it. just wanted to tell you how peculiar that is for me to visit his blog.
when i was reading the blog line upon line i felt a déjà vu feeling. it seems to be things that had cross through my mind before. in case i forget how i felt, i just repeated all those words today. i was in a conversation with this team member in the conference which i hardly know. it was not part of the topic but somehow i just told her my current stage. as i share with her as i had with many, i wonder if she understands what i mean. maybe ppl just don't understand why i need to stop everything to just love God. somehow i began to doubt everytime i see the strange facial expressions on ppl faces or just maybe the silence had been too long. but really i don't know what is the next step. even now i am not sure if i had fully grasp the revelation that had cause me to made those decisions. till i get that maybe things will never change but for now i am comforted that my decisions are not abnormal. someone far away at the other side of the world actually feels exactly what i am feeling. i guess God just need to stop me from thinking "what am i doing?" to "what is He doing?" again.
i surely feel something if not i would not had type this entry because i am really busy if you get what i mean.
i am very busy this week, still got work to catch up with, so i am really not free to check anyone blog. for some reason i clicked the blog of this guy who doesn't even update his blog like for months. i would not have click his blog if he doesn't tell me he had updated it. just wanted to tell you how peculiar that is for me to visit his blog.
when i was reading the blog line upon line i felt a déjà vu feeling. it seems to be things that had cross through my mind before. in case i forget how i felt, i just repeated all those words today. i was in a conversation with this team member in the conference which i hardly know. it was not part of the topic but somehow i just told her my current stage. as i share with her as i had with many, i wonder if she understands what i mean. maybe ppl just don't understand why i need to stop everything to just love God. somehow i began to doubt everytime i see the strange facial expressions on ppl faces or just maybe the silence had been too long. but really i don't know what is the next step. even now i am not sure if i had fully grasp the revelation that had cause me to made those decisions. till i get that maybe things will never change but for now i am comforted that my decisions are not abnormal. someone far away at the other side of the world actually feels exactly what i am feeling. i guess God just need to stop me from thinking "what am i doing?" to "what is He doing?" again.
i surely feel something if not i would not had type this entry because i am really busy if you get what i mean.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
currently busy with this
i am currently attending this conference.
8am-7pm: conference
7pm-8pm: dinner
8pm-till dawn: work
and the cycle repeats itself for the next few days.
i will tell you if it is worth it the next few days to sacrifice my sleep. for now i just feel it is a blessing to see all of us who were once in youth ministry, now in all different stages of our lives praising God together once again.
---
p/s: dugong you know what you are missing :) we miss you.
8am-7pm: conference
7pm-8pm: dinner
8pm-till dawn: work
and the cycle repeats itself for the next few days.
i will tell you if it is worth it the next few days to sacrifice my sleep. for now i just feel it is a blessing to see all of us who were once in youth ministry, now in all different stages of our lives praising God together once again.
---
p/s: dugong you know what you are missing :) we miss you.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
if you are not there, you will not remember :)
when i was still in school. i heard of friends that had so many bfs that they can't remember how many exs they have. some forget their names and some forgotten the order of their exs. i cannot understand how can one says that she has ever love this person once in her lifetime and not remember anything about him.
in my car the other day with the cassette player on.
justin: did you compile the songs in this tape yourself?
chaiyen: ya. do you remember i gave this to you for your birthday? this was one of the thing you returned to me when we broke off.
justin: i can't remember so long already. (10 years ago)
when he got down from my car, he snatched my cassette. it is his since i said that.
i thought, too much this guy cannot remember what i gave him. the next day i saw the cassette cover that was still in my car. i looked at the design. it was something that i could had done only in my college years. ooppss. no wonder he can't remember, it wasn't part of our memories. it was for another ex of mine ;P hehehe so i made him return it to me but i didn't tell him why.
i don't have too many exs*. only one hand full :)
---
* this includes the real and not real kind. also includes puppy love and to some unspoken commitment relationship. why this remark, it is because when i ask a guy this question "how many ex do you have?" they will normally not know how to answer me till i help them with this "including the real and not real kind". because to me i took every relationship seriously. i tried and i cried :)
in my car the other day with the cassette player on.
justin: did you compile the songs in this tape yourself?
chaiyen: ya. do you remember i gave this to you for your birthday? this was one of the thing you returned to me when we broke off.
justin: i can't remember so long already. (10 years ago)
when he got down from my car, he snatched my cassette. it is his since i said that.
i thought, too much this guy cannot remember what i gave him. the next day i saw the cassette cover that was still in my car. i looked at the design. it was something that i could had done only in my college years. ooppss. no wonder he can't remember, it wasn't part of our memories. it was for another ex of mine ;P hehehe so i made him return it to me but i didn't tell him why.
i don't have too many exs*. only one hand full :)
---
* this includes the real and not real kind. also includes puppy love and to some unspoken commitment relationship. why this remark, it is because when i ask a guy this question "how many ex do you have?" they will normally not know how to answer me till i help them with this "including the real and not real kind". because to me i took every relationship seriously. i tried and i cried :)
Saturday, August 19, 2006
more important than charming, smart and romantic
Stacy: you are always my first love. you are charming, smart and romantic. but when i am around you i feel lonely. i don't feel that when i am with mark. he is always with me and i need that.
Dr Gregory: *speechless*
TV series, House
what every girl is looking for-charming, smart and romantic guy. but what top the list is security. we can drop all of it for the latter.
---
Stacy= the ex gf of Dr Gregory
Mark= stacy's husband
Dr Gregory: *speechless*
TV series, House
what every girl is looking for-charming, smart and romantic guy. but what top the list is security. we can drop all of it for the latter.
---
Stacy= the ex gf of Dr Gregory
Mark= stacy's husband
Thursday, August 17, 2006
raw as i am
i am really proud of myself. i have never learn html in college. i remember i told myself i won't take multimedia, i am so web programme idiot. so i stick with things that don't move, prints and publishing.
i wanted to change the design for my blog for a long while. i mean i am a designer you know. this finally triggers me to do so.
btw if you do not know yet, i just like this style. you will see it in a lot of my work. first discover it when i was doing ish. realised that i find it really really fun when i was doing the Love to Recycle issue.
from there after i could not stop using it for cd albums design and on publications. eventhough the same style i try to bring variation to each different client.
i called it the raw style. maybe it is because i was trying to make my mundane life more fun when i start seeing the aethetic beauty in these things we see daily. extremely enjoy the part putting all kind of things-cans, boxes, wood-on my scanner. or maybe it is because i hope that people will see the same beauty in me for trying to be myself. raw as i am - insecure and honest of how i feel.
these are jobs i do without redoing. honestly it is those once-seen-approved kind of work. i can finally say art is the inner expression of the artist.
i wanted to change the design for my blog for a long while. i mean i am a designer you know. this finally triggers me to do so.
btw if you do not know yet, i just like this style. you will see it in a lot of my work. first discover it when i was doing ish. realised that i find it really really fun when i was doing the Love to Recycle issue.
from there after i could not stop using it for cd albums design and on publications. eventhough the same style i try to bring variation to each different client.
i called it the raw style. maybe it is because i was trying to make my mundane life more fun when i start seeing the aethetic beauty in these things we see daily. extremely enjoy the part putting all kind of things-cans, boxes, wood-on my scanner. or maybe it is because i hope that people will see the same beauty in me for trying to be myself. raw as i am - insecure and honest of how i feel.
these are jobs i do without redoing. honestly it is those once-seen-approved kind of work. i can finally say art is the inner expression of the artist.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
how are you today?
i thought with little on my plate i can handle things better. but it only make the pain more real. when you are busy you don't have much time to think and feel. i didn't want to allow myself to be like that. i create that room to think and work things out. not everyone appreciates that. you see, we live in a world where everyone is busy. they really are not free to think of how you feel. they just want to get their life right and their things done.
i'm tired
i am hurt but i came in with new smiles again
i am rejected but i initiate again
i am accused but i admit i play a part here
i am tired
can't you see i'm trying
can't you see i need my rest too
can't you see i trying to have a life as well
i'm tired
why should i be the only that needs to change
but i still do because i thought maybe you will appreciate that i try
at least i thought that will cause you to treat me just a little nicer
i'm tired
see if i wake up feeling better tomorrow
His grace is new every morning
but for today i had decided i am going to quit
i have enough of redoing this work. but maybe it is more than work.
remember "don't be affected by what other ppl think of you" are meant to make you feel better and not condemned, so that you can be a free man. it doesn't mean you can do anything you want and don't care about how others around you feel, let not your freedom be hell to others.
---
at noon when i drop by at starbucks to get my lunch, the manager greeted me with a big smile "how are you today?" i have to admit i nearly cried and i really feel like answering him. no one had really ask me that for a long time.
i'm tired
i am hurt but i came in with new smiles again
i am rejected but i initiate again
i am accused but i admit i play a part here
i am tired
can't you see i'm trying
can't you see i need my rest too
can't you see i trying to have a life as well
i'm tired
why should i be the only that needs to change
but i still do because i thought maybe you will appreciate that i try
at least i thought that will cause you to treat me just a little nicer
i'm tired
see if i wake up feeling better tomorrow
His grace is new every morning
but for today i had decided i am going to quit
i have enough of redoing this work. but maybe it is more than work.
remember "don't be affected by what other ppl think of you" are meant to make you feel better and not condemned, so that you can be a free man. it doesn't mean you can do anything you want and don't care about how others around you feel, let not your freedom be hell to others.
---
at noon when i drop by at starbucks to get my lunch, the manager greeted me with a big smile "how are you today?" i have to admit i nearly cried and i really feel like answering him. no one had really ask me that for a long time.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
again and again
i hate to be misunderstood. i told you sms is horrible. it conveys the message in a different tone. whatever it is, as usual it is too late. i feel horrible. my goodness i am so childish, i need to grow up. i want to go out and catch a movie. hopefully i will find my company, drained myself till i'm tired and go to bed. tomorrow has to be a better day.
by the way did you realise the very thing you hate happens in your life again and again. yah probably it will only stop occuring when you grow not to be affected by it anymore. i'm not sure if i will.
by the way did you realise the very thing you hate happens in your life again and again. yah probably it will only stop occuring when you grow not to be affected by it anymore. i'm not sure if i will.
Friday, August 11, 2006
back to stage one
to be honest without me knowing it, there were a point of my christian journey when i was trying to climb the ladder of success. similar to the rat race in the world, i am trying to get it right as a christian. i begin to seek "how can i get the fullest blessing of God?" and "how does it benefit me if i do this?" what we ask is what we get. but after a while i feel like i know it all. it is almost like a text book. so even now going to church i have to ask for this childlike faith that i may see things in a new light.
learning what is right and not right began to shape how i look at people as well. i think i began to be very judgemental. but when i read the bible i see God that gives equal chance to both the jews and gentiles. so i pray as i continue to live among people that i may see God in my daily life.
i hope i am not entering into a post modernism thinking, i really am not saying that everything is right but i am saying everything must be judge differently because of the different circumstances. at the end of the day everyone has a good heart of the CREATOR. i am now beginning to see the Jesus that eats with the tax collector, the Jesus that says to the woman caught red-handed in the act of adultery "does no one condemn you? neither do i. go your way, from now on sin no more" and the Jesus that reaches out to thomas and allow him to touch his nail-pierced hand. i'm now searching for this part of God that is not often discuss about. for if i live at that time i will surely be found as one of those wretch.
---
i am probably categorised as a nuclear man with fragmented ideology from the book the wounded healer.
learning what is right and not right began to shape how i look at people as well. i think i began to be very judgemental. but when i read the bible i see God that gives equal chance to both the jews and gentiles. so i pray as i continue to live among people that i may see God in my daily life.
i hope i am not entering into a post modernism thinking, i really am not saying that everything is right but i am saying everything must be judge differently because of the different circumstances. at the end of the day everyone has a good heart of the CREATOR. i am now beginning to see the Jesus that eats with the tax collector, the Jesus that says to the woman caught red-handed in the act of adultery "does no one condemn you? neither do i. go your way, from now on sin no more" and the Jesus that reaches out to thomas and allow him to touch his nail-pierced hand. i'm now searching for this part of God that is not often discuss about. for if i live at that time i will surely be found as one of those wretch.
---
i am probably categorised as a nuclear man with fragmented ideology from the book the wounded healer.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
grace to love
i know i had wrote a lot about 'what-a-girl-should-do-and-not-do' and 'what-guy-should-do-and-not-do'. as i wrote down these issues that i repeatedly encounter in a relationship, i am saying it is true there are a lot we face in a relationship. i am stating the obvious facts that are probably not obvious. it is for self-check and is not intended to arouse your anger. as we girls play our role to nag less and you guys learn the magic of being more loving something beautiful will surely happen.
i was pretty close when i learn to love someone till i begin to look at my own needs. so it is your task guys, to love her till she forgets about herself. you girls to make him THE MAN because he sees himself through your eyes. i had not given up hope in GOD and in man. one day, i will surely find sufficient grace to love a person a lifetime. for now i wish you all the best.
---
... he constantly invites his fellow man to ask real, often painful and upsetting questions, to look behind the surface of smooth behavior, and to take away all the obstacles that prevent him from getting into the heart of the matter. the contemplative critic takes away the illusory mask of the manipulative world and has the courage to show what the true situation is. .... more than anything else, he will look for signs of hope and promise in the situation which he finds himself... he knows that if there is hope for a better world in the future the signs must be in the present, and he will never curse the now in favor of the later. he is not a naive optimist who expects his frustrated desires to be satisfied in the future, nor a bitter pessimist who keeps repeating that the past has taught him that there is nothing new under the sun; he is rather a man of hope who lives with the unshakeable conviction that now he is seeing a dim reflection in a mirror, but that one day he will see the future face to face. (excerpts from the wounded healer)
i was pretty close when i learn to love someone till i begin to look at my own needs. so it is your task guys, to love her till she forgets about herself. you girls to make him THE MAN because he sees himself through your eyes. i had not given up hope in GOD and in man. one day, i will surely find sufficient grace to love a person a lifetime. for now i wish you all the best.
---
... he constantly invites his fellow man to ask real, often painful and upsetting questions, to look behind the surface of smooth behavior, and to take away all the obstacles that prevent him from getting into the heart of the matter. the contemplative critic takes away the illusory mask of the manipulative world and has the courage to show what the true situation is. .... more than anything else, he will look for signs of hope and promise in the situation which he finds himself... he knows that if there is hope for a better world in the future the signs must be in the present, and he will never curse the now in favor of the later. he is not a naive optimist who expects his frustrated desires to be satisfied in the future, nor a bitter pessimist who keeps repeating that the past has taught him that there is nothing new under the sun; he is rather a man of hope who lives with the unshakeable conviction that now he is seeing a dim reflection in a mirror, but that one day he will see the future face to face. (excerpts from the wounded healer)
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
the break-up
she comes back from work to prepare dinner for the guests that are visiting that night.
he lies down on the couch after a long day at work.
after dinner, she wants to clean up.
he is on the big couch again with his ps2.
you got a very upset gf because she wants some help. "i just want him to appreciate me".
you got a very upset bf because he needs to rest after a long day. "i throw my ass out there to work everyday so that hopefully one day you don't need to work. when i am back home i just need my space."
after that statement jennifer broke-up with the bf. she thought he will apologise and fix things up but he didn't. so she tried many ways to provoke him to action but things got out of hand. there is a point of time when a sorry would solve it but that moment doesn't last that long.
---
this guy and i watched the same movie together but we didn't come to term who is right. maybe the two species will never come to term with this. the fact is girls need to feel appreciated, guys need things that are in a box (tv, ps2, newspaper, bed) to destress them. both are right, both deserve to be upset.
i always wish that there is a movie that can help guys understand how we feel but after this movie i realised it doesn't help. he turned to me after the movie "you cry in such a boring show?" of course, in fact i can cry over every line. i go knowing what to expect for this movie and i get exactly that. i guess that is why not many ppl like the movie, predictable/everday life. eventhough we all know exactly what will make the guy happy but we hardly get it right because we are just girls. we need love.
Friday, August 04, 2006
a girl every guy likes
had mahjong session with the girls yesterday.
this is one thing i learned. honestly i think they are really smart but i don't think i can be so cool as to not open my big mouth.
"don't leave your shoes outside the house, some fella will climb over your gate and steal your shoe"
"lock your car, ppl can easily start up your car and drive it away"
"can you don't leave your wallet everywhere keep it in your pocket"
don't guys just hate to hear these but honestly girls hate to repeat themselves too. our concern for your lost had made us become so uncool and naggy. as we walked out from her bf's house, we raised up the same concern "why he leaves his shoe outside? his car is not lock?" my goodness girls just have the eye for all these things.
she was prepared with her answer, "it's okie, leave it. i had told him so many times i told myself i shall not loss my cool over it anymore. hopefully he will learn his lesson soon." another girl agreed "yah i do the same, it is his money not ours."
wow i want to be a cool girlfriend too. i can see that i am not following the trend. so guys do you really prefer we do that?
this is one thing i learned. honestly i think they are really smart but i don't think i can be so cool as to not open my big mouth.
"don't leave your shoes outside the house, some fella will climb over your gate and steal your shoe"
"lock your car, ppl can easily start up your car and drive it away"
"can you don't leave your wallet everywhere keep it in your pocket"
don't guys just hate to hear these but honestly girls hate to repeat themselves too. our concern for your lost had made us become so uncool and naggy. as we walked out from her bf's house, we raised up the same concern "why he leaves his shoe outside? his car is not lock?" my goodness girls just have the eye for all these things.
she was prepared with her answer, "it's okie, leave it. i had told him so many times i told myself i shall not loss my cool over it anymore. hopefully he will learn his lesson soon." another girl agreed "yah i do the same, it is his money not ours."
wow i want to be a cool girlfriend too. i can see that i am not following the trend. so guys do you really prefer we do that?
Thursday, August 03, 2006
memories
girl: maybe memory should remain as memory.
guy: MEMORY, a noun for something being remembered. how do we make memory in progressive tense?
excerpt from the movie almost love (korean)
Augustine mentioned something about this thing call memory. how meaningless. memory is something that is no longer real. it is already in the past. so is what you think about because it has not take place. so we are in between two time zones that are not tangible/real. yet to God he looks at time differently. He sees the yesterday, today and tomorrow all together so which part of the time are we living in? is it all three together?
paraphrase from the book The Confessions - Augustine
it is always says what you do with the now is important because that is the only thing you can do. i always thought that is true but recently i learned that even the now will soon become memories. what is now in 1 second will become memories. why do life past by us so fast. no room to make mistake, no room to change our mind. can't we slow down time when it is all sweet and nice, pause when need to make critical decision, rewind when we want to enjoy the moment again.
no, we can't rewind. for now this 'time' thing will continue to be a mystery to us. but we can close our eyes and enjoy that moment again. it can actually makes you smile :)
guy: MEMORY, a noun for something being remembered. how do we make memory in progressive tense?
excerpt from the movie almost love (korean)
Augustine mentioned something about this thing call memory. how meaningless. memory is something that is no longer real. it is already in the past. so is what you think about because it has not take place. so we are in between two time zones that are not tangible/real. yet to God he looks at time differently. He sees the yesterday, today and tomorrow all together so which part of the time are we living in? is it all three together?
paraphrase from the book The Confessions - Augustine
it is always says what you do with the now is important because that is the only thing you can do. i always thought that is true but recently i learned that even the now will soon become memories. what is now in 1 second will become memories. why do life past by us so fast. no room to make mistake, no room to change our mind. can't we slow down time when it is all sweet and nice, pause when need to make critical decision, rewind when we want to enjoy the moment again.
no, we can't rewind. for now this 'time' thing will continue to be a mystery to us. but we can close our eyes and enjoy that moment again. it can actually makes you smile :)
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
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