Friday, June 15, 2007

a safe place

i think at the end of the day everyone is insecure. no one is ever happy with themselves.

the one who keep saying he looks good most of the time is not, he kept saying that to make himself believe he is.
the one who looks horrible is definitely not, she just doesn't want to stand out so that she can blend to the curtain of the ballroom.

the one who seems so confident at work is not, she keeps performing so that she feels in control of something.
the one who doesn't bother to perform is not, he knows he can never do it anyway so he didn't bother to try.

while most guys get insecure because they do not think that they are good enough as a person.
most girls get insecure because they do not think they look good enough.

the why
1. i grow up with sisters and best friends that look better than me. upon realising that is bad enough but with comments like "wah why your sister looks so much better than you". that doesn't help one bit.
chaileng and i
my sis and i

sis effects
my younger sister, the gene just gets better don't they?

steph and i
one of my best friend

2. i have an ex bf that left me for another girl.

3. maybe because it runs in the blood of every woman

the flip side, why i should not?
1. at least i know my boyfriend love me more than my look, i mean after i introduce them to my sis and friends.
2. well they will always be a better looking girl around, that guy is not worth my time if he doesn't stay with me.
3. since everyone is, i can at least not be the most insecure one

i hate feeling insecure but i need to admit i struggle with that. i hate it because it makes me feel so little and so ugly, more ugly than how i don't look as good. the ironic thing is, i struggle most of the time when i'm attach. one would think that if im attach and loved by someone i shouldn't right? so much so i fear getting attach. maybe because when i'm not, there are more guys going after me or maybe i just know i will never match up to so many pretty girls around so i didn't bother. but when i do get attach, i expect the kind attention from him and i try to match up to the kind of girl that he will love but you know i never will, that bit bothers me. it is like my life depends on how this person view me. and it gets pretty tiring, then the relationship get tense and most ppl quit.

ppl go for plastic surgery or those that don't just keep sulking about how not interesting they look, while i was thinking at the back of my mind how perfect they look. suddenly i realised that we will never be happy with ourselves. we will not look better as we age, how many things can we try to fix with plastic surgery. i mean we are pathetic to be comparing ourselves with other ppl that are not even happy with themselves.

i'm pretty happy with myself now. but i think this issue might resurface again in my next relationship. i realised it is not about me telling myself because most of the time we don't know how great we are. it is about another person that understand and loves us that much. reminding us everyday of our life till the day we are on our dying bed "girl, you are beautiful" and "you are my my man, you can do it". that weights so much more though your face and figure didn't change at that second, though your portfolio and position didn't change at that moment but we know those words make us beautiful, those words cause us to do wonders. so fear not you meet another person that will will make you question if you are pretty enough because he has the power to make you beautiful. fear not the person that bring along a whole loads of responsiblity, because she has the words that make you be that so much more.

security is about a place you feel safe. someone that can see the real you. did you realise you can only see yourself from a mirror? wow this is so powerful. we are born to live with another. provided of course that someone can see the real you. the you that is probably not even there yet.


Sam said...

Amazingly honest.

Amazing person.


chaiyen said...

hehe. i guess that is my only scoring point.