Wednesday, June 20, 2007

i think myself happy

i worked, i went out and i met loads of ppl.

i smiled, i laughed and i talked.

have you ever wonder what is behind this happy smiley person? did you ever notice those split seconds when they stone for a while and what ran through their mind at that moment? seriously do you think you will ever know what is really running through my mind? if not because i open up myself.

do you believe that all through high school ppl think that i'm problem free? that is how strong i'm able to potray myself. all you need to do is toughen up yourself and let no one knows what you are struggling with. every time you walk out of your door, just put a smile and keep yourself busy. good and bad. the good is ppl want to be like me, they want to learn how to live a confident life like mine. the bad is no one ever thinks that i need company or for that matter a shoulder to cry on.

i learned to be more honest with myself the last few years with how-i-feel and what-i-want or what-im-thinking. i thought ppl will like to know the real me. i thought if i let the world know there is a girl living inside me, ppl will treat me like a woman. i thought when we have nothing to hide, life will be easier. from my past few experiences it didn't exactly turn up pleasant. i come to learn that to live the truth, it is inconvenient.

i had not done it for a while, but it had not gone rusty. i was still able to pull it through. i think ppl actually believe. for a second, i myself almost believe too.


Sam said...

Life is merely a stage.

Cheers to the best actors.

And actresses.


Anonymous said...

Be honest, help to sieve the friends from the acquaintances.

Cheers! :)

Jon Ng said...

I can't follow what you are. I am a person who is very expressive in nature. When I'm sad, though I try to hide, still people will know how I feel.

Hmm....I can't hide my feelings like you can. Humans are just borned differently ya. Hehe...

chaiyen said...

yah im proffesional mah. but sam is the most power one. he doesn't even need to try. he only needs to try to share if he feels like it. at all other time he is not real hahahahahhha opps. am i getting a whack from him.

and shups honestly it is not the fault of the friends that they cannot see how i feel. sometimes i think i put on the mask not so much of fearing what other ppl might say though that is possible but more so because im just tired to explain myself, since it never gets out right anyway.

soolin said...

hi chaiyen, i guess i agree with shups, be honest, when i read ur post, i can really really understand how u feel cos i feel exactly the way u do, and sometimes when i smile i myself believe for that moment that all is really fine and dandy, i guess we all yearn to understood and wanted. today's my sis' bday, she looked so happy and so in bliss during dinner, with her husband filming the moment and with us (parents, husband and me) singing her a bday song for her 30th. i was happy for her but when she asked how i want to celebrate my 30th, all i could do was smile, doubt all of them understand the kinda loneliness and what was going through my mind at that moment, oh well... this is a long long comment eh? dunno y i'm writing all these.

anyway do take care ya!

chaiyen said...

you know why you write so long. a lot of us are very lazy to express ourselves because like i had said, we are not sure if it will come out right. when we read something that we can resonate with though we dont mind pouring in as well. we know at the very moment this person understand. and i know what you mean, dont even start asking me about my birthday :)

Anonymous said...

Feel free to be real in front of us. We are friends. =)