im an optimist

i remembered it was raining that day. i didnt bring my umbrella, it was raining cats and dogs so i stood at the corridor of the school for a while. i actually think that my school bus driver will bother to calculate and make sure all the students are in that bus before he drives of. unfortunately he doesnt care. to my despair, i saw the bus passed by me as i ran out from the gate. closed enough for some kids in the bus to wave goodbye to me. what are they thinking? im supposed to be in the bus. i was about 8 years old i think.

forgive me, but i do not know how to go home. i must be playing all the time on the journey to school, i forgotten to see which direction my bus take everyday. i was soaking wet though i was wearing two layers including my pinafore. im drenched to the socks. i believed the books in my bag were not spared too. at such moment what will one do? maybe not what everyone will do, but i did what i always will do. i walked to the bus stop opposite the road where my school bus pick me up everyday. why did i do that? i reasoned that when he found out that im missing and comes back to get me that might be the only place he will find me. the evening was giving in to the night, obviously he did not come back for me. i always blame those stupid boys who waved and not tell the bus driver im left behind.

after long wasted time, i did what most ppl would had done in the first place. i went and look for a public phone to call my parents. i went around the boys school which is where my bus stop and found none or none working, i cannot remember which. so i decided to walked to a mall nearby. which is scary for my age because there were loads of adults and strangers which i were always warned since young they might kidnapped me. i looked high and low for a phone but i could not find one. found one after much walking, just to prove a point to me that malaysia public phone doesnt work since 1988. i was lost, and i didnt know what to do. trust me i was making my way back to the bus stop if not because a kind samaritan saw me crying and drenched send me to a police station. my mum freaked out at first wondering what crime i committed that had me landed in a police station. she laughed it out later to think that im so silly to cry over that. few years later, she walked me to school everyday to make sure i know my way home.

im actually surprise i remember all these things so vividly. in fact, i can recount so many other occasions that i will do the same even after i grew up. when im lost i will always walk back to the place we first gathered. when i cant contact the person im suppose to meet. i will stand at the same place for hours if need be because i dont want to walk away just in case at that moment that person come and find me. steph can testify to that (read: drama of the day) during our japan trip. what she doesnt know is, i felt really lost and scared like i was. i dont remember it then, but i knew i had similar feelings before. i was walking around with loads of 'maybe' or 'what-should-i-do' all the way. the only different this time is i know the way back to the hotel.

i do not know why suddenly this two incidents come to mind tonight. but i was just thinking, i had not progress much in my life the last few years. maybe, i was waiting for someone or maybe i was just lost and i dont want to walk around. whichever it is, i just did what i always do, i waited refusing to go anywhere. no doubt with many questions in my mind and the whole time was agonising and aimless.

i sat long enough plus many years had proven that waiting at the same place doesnt help me find what i want. basically i think time is up, im going for a walk. do i know where? not necessary but im going for a walk.

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yes, im an optimist to think that ppl will realise im missing. will speak the same language as me and go back to where we first meet. im an optimist to think that ppl will find their way to me. i know i waste loads of time and many think that im fool. i could not agree more. but im not sure if i will ever change, i only hope that one day i will have a different ending :)