a weekend of pretty things

SAT: FUKUYA Authentic Japanese Cuisine –- very pretty lunch wedding









SAT: NANDO's –- super cute boy



SUN: OTAH-OTAH –- tea break at tropicana city

because...

it doesn't matter how much I think of you
or how much I want you by my side
how much I want to lie next to you
or how much I want to be in your embrace

it doesn't matter how much I give to you
or how much I'm there for you
how much I care for you
or how much I do for you

it doesn't matter I see you
or how much I understand you
how much I fight for you
or how much I stood by you

it doesn't matter how much I love you
or how much I want you
how much I need you
or how much I cherish you

it all doesn't matter because...
(finish your sentence, what is your story)

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because... I'm just not it
because... we are not meant to be
because... I'm just not her

because there is always a because.

i dreamed a dream

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he’ll come to me
That we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

---
i can't hold my tears hearing this again. chaiyen, dont stop dreaming, hoping and believing.

fate

"dont pretend i never fight for you"... “Oh, I fought for you Chuck! I fought finger and nail until I realised I was scratching at a door that turned out to be a wall.” Blair Waldorf, gossip girl

him: first the reluctance to commit, to let go of the freedom and women he can so easily get his hands on since young; then the struggle with his insecurities if he can live up to be that man for her; at moment he doubted that anyone can love and accept the dark side of his.

her: first her ego to admit she has fallen for him –– a womanizer; then the pride of not wanting to make the first move, wanting to be pursued; occasionally doubting he even loves her or just taking her for a ride.

this sums up GG season2. from separate frames we know that they love each other. but when one of the party fights like mad to make it happen, the other is most often not ready or unsure. every now and then a new girl and a new boyfriend will come be introduced thickening the wall between them. and this sums up a lot of our love stories as well.

my conclusion,
love without fate is not good enough. for that will only lead to pain and more pain.
fate alone is not enough either, for it will only bring us through strings of relationship that we do not need.
LOVE AND FATE is when a man and a woman that loves each other simultaneously fight for each other at the same time.

all these factors--love, time, action, space, feelings, emotions, other external stuff happening in each other lives, books we are reading, movies we are watching, songs we are hearing, the conversation with our friends and the whole wide world--are supposed to intertwined to make this happen. so tell me what are the chances. *sigh*

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a writeup from the scene where the above quote is extracted. if you have time, you might want to read up the emotions involved. (WARNING! SPOILERS)

it is ok

after 12 years going to church, i too found out "it is ok not to be ok".

lessons from the mountain - part2

'I remember a pivotal time early in my marriage. Steve and I were deep in the wilderness as Steve was going through his ninety-hour-a-week internship in Seattle. I was a believer, but an immature one, and I thought: What good does it do me to be married if my husband is never around? I also felt that if Steve really truly loved me he would find a way to beat the system. I expressed all these feelings to Steve.

Fortunately, Steve was godly enough to listen to me. Though my husband was young in his faith, the way he responded to me showed me Jesus. Steve came to me the next day and said he couldn't see a way to change his current situation as a medical intern. Before I could begin ranting and raving again, he said, "I love you and I care more about you and our marriage than my dream of being a surgeon. I am willing to give that up."

I was stunned as I thought about the sacrifice he was sincerely offering. Steve had already completed seven years of his training, but I knew he was speaking the truth because he, unlike me, is truly Christlike in the way of honesty. His willingness to sacrifice for me inspired me to sacrifice for him. I wept and I told him I loved him too, and that I would support him, and that we would make it through that year, and that we would make it through that year, and that he wouldn't hear any talk of ending our marriage ever again.' ~ Falling in love with Jesus

i wept right there. i concluded: women dont need things, maybe not even time and change; actually all they need is this little word called 'assurance'. but the sad truth is she dont normally know that. and we say things like "you are not meeting my needs?" honestly if you ask "What do you want?", we normally cant even give an answer to that.

but you know what is sadder. the truth untold: that many, many men out there toiled and work and get all kind of shit in the office just for their family. but not explained, not emphasized enough.

a guy asked me this the other day "how much assurance do a girl need?"
to which i briefly answered "everyday... (paused for a while) every minute"
he sighed "wah, quite difficult"

i know. and as a woman i wish it is not as difficult as well. i loathe myself for not belonging to the category of i-know-who-i-am-and-i-dont-need-a-man or i-know-God-loves-me-and-that-is-enough kind of women. but unfortunately im not, not strong enough for the former and not there yet for the latter. one more bad news, i happen to fall under the category of the majority.

just think about it, the fall of the whole creation was on her. she passed adam the fruit. do you know how much "it is ok, i still love you" she needs. honestly, she is having a hard time believing that God can love her. what makes it easier for you? but as you frequently remind her, just like you would for your daughter-to-come. one day, one day she will know.

may we all one day come to the full knowledge of God's love for us. meantime sorry, if we put too much expectations on you guys. we actually thought that it is more attainable to feel your love since you have a benefit of a mouth to express and arms to embrace. looks like it is as hard to figure out. i guess love can only be realised in the knowing.

one day... we will all know.

---
just came back from 500 days of summer. i genuinely feel for him. the world will become a better place if we talk a little more.

lessons from the mountain - part 1

"The definition of romance is not limited to a guy and a girl. Though that's part of it, romance is so much bigger than just a love story. Romance has to do with making things lovely because of love. Romance means absorbing the beauty of life: conversation, atmosphere, places and surroundings. It means increasing our awareness of the fragrance of pine trees, freshly ground coffee, and sheets drying on the line; hearing the music of waves, children's laughter, and the rain drumming on the roof; seeing the signature of God on His creation. It means drinking the gift of life to the dregs. All to be enjoyed, all to be taken in...

My heart yearns for poetic phrases, perfect snowballs, and beautiful ballads. My heart was made for romance."


it is almost ironic that i spent the last few days on the same mountain of the last entry. as if the backdrop was set for this story to continue. it is just a two nights thing, i should be able to fit everything into my backpack, but i just cant seem to zip it. so i went up to my sis' room to grab a bigger bag to which i found this book. i think it is divine "Falling in love with Jesus – Abandoning yourself to the greatest romance of your life" by dee brestin n kathy troccolli. i immediately know i have to bring it. in the middle of the book was a note by the person who gave my sis the book. it was dated 2002, i cannot help but feel that He secretly arranged this. with a smile on my face, i stuff it into my bag.

i love "romance". Books, movies, stories, the idea of it. i love it when ppl leave notes for me, write letters and sms me unexpected messages that remind me that im special. i love journaling by the beach and reasoning with Him underneath the stars. but a few years back, i learned that the expectation of romance is an offense. that romance is just a fairytale thing, it is expensive and undoable, impossible to the time we are currently living. i remember i once try defending this word "romance" but fail in my attempt, thanks to my lack of vocab. but i remember saying to the extend of "no, im not saying i want flowers and gifts".

as you can read from the excerpts on top, i had already fallen in love with the book on the first few pages. because the opening pages free me from this guilt - the desire of wanting to live a romantic life. And seriously, contrary to expensive i realise that most of the romantic thing we can do are mostly free. im also intrigued to learn that i dont mind having a romantic break all by myself.

"i can do this forever: living on top of e mountain, all curled up next to the fire place with a latte n a book. life was a bliss the last 3 days" my recent tweet

so ya, here is me unapologetically back. criteria in a man: charming, romantic and with depth. i guess what i mean is, i dont need a rich man. just one that is willing to take the plunge with me to enjoy the rhythm of the earth and everything on it. breakfast on bed, sun shining in, with white sheets sounds really pretty :)

---
was rereading some of my past entries about romance. still pretty interesting :)

summer scent

it was freezing cold especially in the morning and night, thanks to the rain. that was the exact weather i remembered the last time i was in korea. absolutely breathtaking and i never imagine i will chance into this. sipping tea from a glass restaurants, on top of a hill overlooking such a view. i cannot stop thinking of the scenery in the korean drama summer scent. plus the glass house reminded me of my dream house. with such combination... what can i say, i wish i have someone to keep me warm. i wish i can wake up every morning and see this site from my balcony.

this heavenly place is where i spent my weekend. no not another trip to korea, though it feels almost foreign. though me myself dont really feel like i was in malaysia, it is indeed here in cameron.







the land flowing with strawberries. so i had strawberry strudel, strawberry with ice cream,strawberry crepe, strawberry for lunch and supper. sorry i couldnt bring them back, they didnt survive the weather.



to end the freaking cold night with hot steamboat is just perfect.


it was a good time with my family.

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ps: im not the only one comparing summer scent and cameron highlands, check this out. so wei min, i guess i found you your location set for the making-of-your-first-korean-drama.

totally unrelated but yah if ur free. i can never forget this dancing scene from summer scent.

background music, Summer Scent OST: DOO BUN JAE SARANG (Second Love) by Seo Jin Young, BI MIL (Secret) by Jung In Ho, UH JJUN MYUN (Maybe) by Seo Jin Young

hints followed by guesses

The written word is clearer than the spoken word. Language, as we speak and hear it, is very ambiguous. We miss a lot, we misunderstand a lot. No matter how logically and plainly things are said, the listener quite often don't get it right. Conversely, no matter how attentive and knowledgeable the listener, the speaker most often doesn't say it right. We proceed, as T.S.Eliot once put it, by "hints followed by guesses" - excerpts from Eat This Book, eugene peterson

---
this finally console the tiny heart of mine that struggles all my life with this thing call language. Besides the point that i do not have a strong command in english, neither fully in cantonese, nor have i conquer fully my mandarin. i feel that i do not have a language that i can use to fully convey what i feel inside my heart and mind. so very often i find myself being misunderstood. therefore whenever i have something bothering me... i normally rehearse it many many times before i meet up with the person. the many reasons and issues will all assembled in my mind wanting to be part of the final outcome. i will try saying it out loud, arranging them, sometimes it gets too complicated i might even grab a pencil and paper to help clear my mind.

but all these are meaningless because the sentence that i finally manage to string out doesn't even feel like what i want to say. the process will go on for a few nights most of the time, especially when i dont quite like those sentences. finally i will get really irritated and agitated with the many sleepless nights and just spilled it all out. not in order, to my regrets most of the time i forget what i want to say and add what i should not have.

so i write sometimes, thinking that it gives me more time to think through what i say but i have come to believe that is even worst because the tone is never right. leaving the misunderstanding worst than before.

so i stop expressing.

so i stop explaining myself.

so my heart stop.

so language is now only a piece of business, transactions, a meaningless exchange of words.

---
conclusion: i dont think there is anything we can do about it to avoid misunderstanding but maybe something to avoid more damage. write love letters, iron things out face-to-face when you are in a fight. the-one-conversing say only what is important, keep it short. say what-you-want as the outcome, do not leave it for the other party to assume. the-one-listening always give a benefit of doubt. speak with love, receive with love.

that piece of paper

"However something about these engraved pieces of paper can destroy a marriage or cause men and women to sacrifice leisure time with family and friends, and even health, to get more of them. This innocent paper you're holding has driven young men in the inner city to entice their friends to take killer drugs. It has corrupted the justice of men who started out to give their lives upholding the law. The lust for money has led adults to do the unspeakable things to children, to make millions in the kiddie-porn trade. The desire for wealth has even caused wars. Somehow money has the terrible ability to gain control of a person's soul. The power of money can bring life or death."

excerpts from Daring to live on the edge by loren cunningham

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suddenly reread this, worth a moment of pondering.

breaking of bread

why do christians have communion?

the past:
a visible and symbolic sign of remembrance of Christ's death and suffering. (1 corinthians 11:24-25)
- background history: the Jews celebrate the Passover meal annually by taking four cups of wine: 1. FREEDOM 'i will take you out of Egypt', 2. DELIVERANCE 'I will deliver you from Egyptian slavery', 3. REDEMPTION 'I will redeem you with demonstration of power', 4. RELEASE ' i wll acquire you as a nation' (exodus 6:6-8)
- so it is a symbolic sign of us celebrating the passover, the Lamb and the wine. and so on this day we should remember what God has done for us.
- out of the box: similarly that is why we say GRACE during meal, to remember His GRACE not merely to give thanks for the food.


the present:
our participation in the new covenant
- you know how gang's have brotherhood blood pax. yah by partaking of that wine we are joining into the covenant.

the unity and fellowship of believers
- the Greek word 'koinonia' refers to 'communion' or sometimes 'fellowship'. In greeks the phrase 'breaking of bread' can be interchangeably use with fellowship.
- the one bread, one wine symbolised the church as one body.
- the exchange of bread and wine with one another is to remember that it is a sharing of meal together, this is not just a personal 'dont disturb me' repentant affair. i personally think it is important to remember as well that Jesus did not just die for you alone but the person sitting next to you as well.
- out of the box: in fact every time we partake a meal together with our brother and sisters in Christ with God in mind, we are having communion. the breaking-of-bread together.


the future:
hope of His return
- background history: in the jewish engagement, the couple drink this glass of wine a sign of agreement to that engagement. the man then will go home to renovate the house and prepare a room for themselves. the woman on the other hand will never know when he will come. but the whole time she is suppose to be learning and preparing herself to be a good wife. she cannot go away for party and holiday because seriously she doesnt know when the groom will come back.
- and so for us, the partaking of that wine also symbolises our promise to Him that we will wait for Him to come back. at the meantime we are telling Him, we will prepare ourselves.

the big banquet
- background history: every Jewish man know that there is a big banquet at the day of His return (luke 14:15)
- the verse in luke 11:2-3 is a tough greek sentence to translate. the NASB version writes 'The bread of us belonging to the coming day give us today'. It is combining the verse prior to this making it sounds like this, 'Let the kingdom come, let the feast begin today'
- out of the box: so remember it is not a solemn affair only, it is a celebration of the feast. cheers!

'for whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes..."

actual meaning
eat = dont just eat but crunch, gnaw, chew
until = not just sitting passively waiting for it to happen but looked forward, anticipate and call upon it to come

favourite question

what is God's will for my life?

wrong question: the question should not be what is God's will for my life? it should be what is God's will (full stop). we need to stop thinking the world rotate around us.

"Our father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your WILL* be done on earth as it is in heaven"

(*emphasized by me)

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seriously that is liberating. to stop looking out for what i should do or should not do but simply join Him in what He's doing. i ought to know this, somehow it is like a breath of new air.

food for thought

i want more emo

seriously, im not sure if grey's has lost its punch or i am just not enjoying the bit that everyone is just having a happy relationship. there is no-more-guessing-game, no-more-misunderstanding, no-more-crying. everyone found their loved ones, happily in love, everyone seems to be supportive and understanding. call me depressing, but i like watching depressing tv series. i am suppose to finish watching it with a bucket of tears. i am suppose to feel what i am going through is common since it is in their script. i am suppose to feel so much better after watching it because my life dont suck that badly.

it is an ironic feeling. season5, gave me all the ending that i desired - meredith and mcdreamy after all the drama finally come back together. but i dont an inch feel happy or loved seeing them together. it is frustrating isnt it, im not suppose to feel like that. what is it? do i already not believe in happy ending?

colours

i can even form sentences using colour. listen properly ok.
when the phone ring *Green. Green*
i "pink" (pick) up the phone
and say "yellow" (hello)
"Blue" (Who) is this?
"White" (What) do you want?
You don't "purple-ly" (purposely) call me.
If you make me angry. I will not call you "black" (back).

love matters, jack neo productions.

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yah im doing digital video research and am very entertained by it as you can see hehe...

monster underneath your bed

seriously i love japanese reality show, so so funny and theraputic... beats those bitchy girls and backbiting in the those american reality shows. anyway found this while catching up my read on wongfu's blog. this reminds me of the NZ chase-by-the-zombie maze place sam keep saying he wants to go. seriously im not 8 anymore like those kid but im sure i will so freak out though i know they are not real.

technologies

"I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies."
mary, from he's just not that into you.

this might be a helpful read on how to pull all these things together.

a whole new world

perhentian 30apr to 6may:

here is the whole gang bang from my cell consisting of fresh-from-the-oven 10 new divers and some existing pros. except for merv, the guy in black tshirt behind, one of our DM; and Ben, DM-on-training, carrying his daughter, lele.


the guy with tattoo on the left is my instructor, cum owner of bubble dive resort - ronnie. he builds a play pan next to the dive centre for his almost two-years-old kid. what can i say, he is a really cool guy. oh ya, 'the wees'... look what he is wearing around his neck. i think i want to get one of those for my hand. the blackT guy on the other hand, quit his job and is staying on this island as a DM for a season (8months). that is courage.


here we go!!!


i am on the far right. survived the underwater.


i am back, certified. satisfied.

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all photos courtesy of of kevin and adele.

the 5 days just past by so fast, i wished i had more time to read, to moonbath under the stars, journal, nap and just chill out with my friends. it is beyond my wildest dream to even imagine doing this. wouldnt have taken this step without all of you, thank you for giving me courage and lending me strength.

i could not help but feel the strong presence of God that comes with the wind everyday. it makes me think, maybe i am meant to live on a island.

seoul korea: day5 korean folk village

this is such a yummy plate of nissin noodle. dry hot spicy. i ordered this the next day, after i see the couple eating them.


suwoi korean folk village, a very huge architectural place. in fact a lot of local and families just spend their weekend here.


they really make sure this place is filled with the local culture. old uncles really stay here and do their daily thing. their dedication amazes me. like seriously, does he need to really sow the seed? like we actually know he is faking it or not. but this makes the place really warm and cozy with their presence.


she is so cute.






it is just a short distance, i took a while to walk out there and back. i think the guy who took the photo for me cannot stop laughing.


this is the set where the series dang jae gum was filmed.


i happily dragged those uncles to take photo for me. i guessed i gave them the other tourist the idea. uncle freak out and quickly walked away mumbling some korean words. super funny.


nice.




this is where i got those small little cakes. this is a famous local bakery.


ox tongue, gosh yummy...




jinjinbang, the local hot bath.

more photos of day5 here.

who i met
cy: hey, where is the hot sauna
girl: i dont think they have it here.
cy: oh, so there only hot bath here.
girl: yah...
cy: are you local, you speak very well in english.
girl: yah, i did my high school in england. where are you from?

there goes my long explanation of singapore and malaysia. it was a long pleasant talk. she is a really sweet girl.

seoul korea: day4 dongdaemun and lotte world

i was pretty excited to see this packing at the convenient store. but after trying it, no way it can compete with the original fresh brewed coffee.


dondaemun, is filled with malls. few of those are like the bangkok platinum where you can bargain the price of things. the mall will be filled with small shops every floor ranging from clothes, shoes to bags. still it is too pricey for me to shop at these bargains area.




too my regrets, i did not try any of these.


my beloved cousin, esther whom provided me with the free accommodations and dinner.


this my friend is lottle world, the set which is most famous for the series stairways to heaven.


we bought the after 7pm ticket for W13000 (rm33.80), which i think is a really really good deal. there are loads of good rides, except that the weather is too cold. i didnt because the queue was extremely long and my cousin is not keen about it. i figured i better not since i might not be able to feel my legs after those rides, both from the cold and my fear.


night... this is when i tell you as usual, i hate my camera. i do not have good photos for it. lotte world, like most of our childhood memories will only be found in my mind and not on photos.


we were so excited to walk around, we forgotten to eat our dinner. later we were to cold to loiter around so we order room service. equally satisfied.

more photos of day4 here.

who i met
well i guess shopping doesnt allow much friendly conversations.