Sunday, October 12, 2008

intimidated by the young

ppl say if u hang around with younger ppl you will feel younger. im not sure about that, but i dont have much of a choice. now in college and party, im almost surrounded with friends that are younger than me. but what the heck, i try to enjoy myself and put that aside. i reminded myself not to think too much because it just so often screw up my day and eventually my life. and you know what, they are really kinda fun. somehow life is so simple for them, unhurt, undamaged.

im kinda stress in class. students and lecturers have expectations from me. i repeatedly tell myself, "i just need to finish my work. i dont need to prove to anyone anything, im not here to be a top scorer." up to date i still refuse to use my money to bind any of my project submission, unashamedly i stapled them. using more money instead to buy my latte haha. i choose to believe that good work has nothing to do with all this outlook. yet i found myself staying awake to finish my assignments till wee hours of the morning. one night, i even found myself reprinting my work all over again and redoing the whole mock up. in the middle of that, i felt so stupid. "what a waste of time and ink". i hate it when the perfectionist part of me take over. the second mock up look worst than the first, but i wasnt ready to give more attention to that piece of work. so i just went to bed.

i used to believe whatever we do, do our best as to glorify God. i am not denying that but beginning to question if my motivation was that all this while. i realised that so often i want to do the best because i am just another insecure bitch. especially now in college, im not even there to score... the cert no longer matters to me. i need to keep my focus right, push myself to learn the most not work the hardest. except for that bit im enjoying class, learning a lot of new things, falling in love with design all over again. 

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