day5: hungry.

hungry for more the whole day. spiritually hungry too.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day4: fastforward

each day is a piece of art on its own.

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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day3: plans

each day is a piece of art on its own.

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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

heaven

"The secret of Heaven: That each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one" The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

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i know this might not be true but if heaven is a place where we connect all the dots, a place where we find all our missing pieces and find the peace--the answer to our many questions--that we had been searching for. That will be really nice. A sudden great anticipation, it got me thinking of heaven.

day2: drama

each day is a piece of art on its own.

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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day1: purpose

concept: i would like to make a collage to sum up my day for the next 365 days. hopefully by doing so it will remind me of how precious each and everyday actually is to me.

to view this ongoing project. [click]


each day is a piece of art on its own.

ps: a project inspired by them.
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

sacredness of a diary

i met up with my ex the other day.

he: is this your diary? (he snatches it from the table)
me: give it back to me! (i try to grab it back)
he: just let me read a little... (he fanatically go through the pages, barely read anything. thank God for my hideous and small handwriting)
me: (i finally successfully snatch it back)
he: so anyone read your diary before?
me: erm... yah my last ex bf (recalling the amount arguments we actually had just because i showed him my diary)
he: that is not fair... you never let me read
me: really? you never ask (actually i dont remember, it was like what 12 years ago)
he: i did, and you say it is your privacy. that is not fair, so not fair...

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i found that amusing, my ex bf is jealous of my ex bf. oh yah, and he is already married. so cute.

happy ending

just finished OTH season 6. i like the ending. in fact, i love it. everyone holding the person they love and want in their arms; miracle birth despite major hiccups in pregnancy; mother affirming her daughter; from nobody to your dream job. maybe this phrase sums it all very well "dream comes true everyday" or at least it seems like that to everyone in tree hill.

and so i am one of those that like the happily ever after. but my problem is i need that, i just realised that. i have this phobia whenever i see a happy ending. the fear to start watching the next season creeps in because i fear that something bad might happen. i mean it is already the best it could be. it is not the first time, i have the exact same feeling while watching the finale of Grey's season 4. imagine the background of an empty open field up the hill overlooking the city. meredith standing right there in the middle of a floorplan of her dream house drawn out by candles, pouring her heart out to derek and they kissed. that's sweet, that is nice. that is a good enough ending for me. view the moment here.

im not sure you feel me, i waited for 4 season for them to get together. that is like what 3-4 years of my time. i waited with them through all their guilt, dealing with their past, confusion, misunderstandings and all. i waited for that moment to happen. unlike most of our epic fail life, it happens and it was beautiful. and when it happens, i dont want to go anywhere. yah, im guarding their happy ending so jealously that i want to freeze that moment. maybe because i know life is not going to be so kind, that it always have a way to screw it up. im afraid someone else will come in between them again, another major misunderstanding will separate them forever, or one of them might just die. just goes to show what a pessimist i have become.

yah, im dramatic. i took a while but i i did rise above it and watch the next two season of grey's. just when i thought it couldnt get better, the relationship mature, they proposed and they got married. if OTH and grey's hitherto can find a way to wrap up every season with this kind of so called happy ending for me, maybe i should have a little faith as well in the Author of my life. watching the next season of OTH might just be that leap of faith that i should take.

just a footnote

"it sucks being the footnote of someone else's love story" OTH

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i knew it from the beginning. i recognise that girl from the start. way to familiar, way to real, way to scary.

you cant break a broken heart

"eventually we define happiness in our own terms in spite of the pain that ppl has cause us." haley, OTH

i miss you

"Why do we miss a person? It’s either because we realize that we never treasured the moments when they were always there and it left us wishing we could turn back time again. Or we were too happy with them, we enjoyed every single moment, that we became so used to the idea of having them around."

retweeted by staticwander
(via raindropsonredroses)

if it is the formal, it is normal to feel like that. let's stop sulking, do better if we have a chance; otherwise, do better for the next person. if it is the latter, you might be in love and you might not even realise that yet. most importantly is, dont be so busy sulking over the first lost that we miss out on the second. for that, we will be the greatest idiot of all.

love finds you

"i think i made the right choice"
"that is where it gets you, son. thinking you have a choice. love finds you. you dont find love." a stranger to lucas scott, OTH.

genesis 1: God spoke

my iphone died 6am, i could not receive phone calls, neither can i call out. it must be this morning, of all morning, the very morning i act as a wedding planner. i panicked. i have to be at the hotel by 7am. all the vendors, the bridesmaids, the families are all going to be calling me. i try putting my simcard in another phone, it is not working either. shit, this is getting more horrid than i can bear. i have a faulty simcard. 6.15am in my towels and half changed, i call maxis and they told me i have to walk in to a maxis centre to get a new simcard. i know there is nothing much i can do. 6.50am, darn it... i just have to leave for the hotel NOW, i'll try figure out what to do later. so i grab everything and leave. juggling in between tying up the ribbon for my tube top, carrying my bag, my heels, my box of itinerary and what not, and yah not forgetting my latte in the fridge i packed in advance last night. this wasnt how i plan the day. not sleeping was not part of the plan too.

in my attempt to calm down, i pray: God why is this happening again? yes the exact same thing happened to my last iphone, the very morning i planned another wedding 2 years ago. i managed to slot my simcard into my old nokia phone then which refuse to even give me that consolation this morning. in my desperation i continue: God can you deal with me after this whole wedding is over. *beep beep* yes before i can say more, my phone is working again. and it continued to function till today.

so is God trying to talk to me? i believe so... and that line had not leave my head the last few days "God-deal-with-me-after-this". i believe that is him calling me to come back to His word. and so i did. may His grace carry me thru to do that very thing He calls me to do.

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my devotion

God spoke: "Light!" And light appeared.

at the first thought, i was thinking God you have an advantage. whatever you command just happen. if whatever i say will happen in an instance, my life will probably not be this mess up. then i let that thought continue. actually maybe not. it is grace that we require actions to make things happen. because our world will be double a hell if whatever we say will just happen. remember: we frequently say things we do not mean, and not say those we mean. we regret what we say and worst still sometimes dont even know what we say or want.

yet every now and then we are given authority to summon ppl to do as we say. for instance at the wedding, as a planner, every banquet manager, waitress, waiter, PA person, do as i say. but with that come a huge responsibility that i so often am not willing to carry. that whatever they do not do right, falls under my fault too. they are like my extra hands -- an extension of me, so i cannot say that my hand did not do as i say, or my leg is so stupid because she doesnt understand my instructions. with power comes responsibility, yes it surely does. the whole wedding turned up fairly well. i was so tired, i was on bed for almost two days thereafter. im actually glad to go back to the place of no authority, my comfort zone. never will i think that God is in advantage, instead im embracing that grace while i learn to speak wisely.

God, thank you for this training ground. thank you for not giving me the power im not ready to possess. teach me to think before i speak. at rightful time, teach me to speak with confidence and authority as a child of God should.

a weekend of pretty things

SAT: FUKUYA Authentic Japanese Cuisine –- very pretty lunch wedding









SAT: NANDO's –- super cute boy



SUN: OTAH-OTAH –- tea break at tropicana city

because...

it doesn't matter how much I think of you
or how much I want you by my side
how much I want to lie next to you
or how much I want to be in your embrace

it doesn't matter how much I give to you
or how much I'm there for you
how much I care for you
or how much I do for you

it doesn't matter I see you
or how much I understand you
how much I fight for you
or how much I stood by you

it doesn't matter how much I love you
or how much I want you
how much I need you
or how much I cherish you

it all doesn't matter because...
(finish your sentence, what is your story)

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because... I'm just not it
because... we are not meant to be
because... I'm just not her

because there is always a because.

i dreamed a dream

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he’ll come to me
That we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

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i can't hold my tears hearing this again. chaiyen, dont stop dreaming, hoping and believing.

fate

"dont pretend i never fight for you"... “Oh, I fought for you Chuck! I fought finger and nail until I realised I was scratching at a door that turned out to be a wall.” Blair Waldorf, gossip girl

him: first the reluctance to commit, to let go of the freedom and women he can so easily get his hands on since young; then the struggle with his insecurities if he can live up to be that man for her; at moment he doubted that anyone can love and accept the dark side of his.

her: first her ego to admit she has fallen for him –– a womanizer; then the pride of not wanting to make the first move, wanting to be pursued; occasionally doubting he even loves her or just taking her for a ride.

this sums up GG season2. from separate frames we know that they love each other. but when one of the party fights like mad to make it happen, the other is most often not ready or unsure. every now and then a new girl and a new boyfriend will come be introduced thickening the wall between them. and this sums up a lot of our love stories as well.

my conclusion,
love without fate is not good enough. for that will only lead to pain and more pain.
fate alone is not enough either, for it will only bring us through strings of relationship that we do not need.
LOVE AND FATE is when a man and a woman that loves each other simultaneously fight for each other at the same time.

all these factors--love, time, action, space, feelings, emotions, other external stuff happening in each other lives, books we are reading, movies we are watching, songs we are hearing, the conversation with our friends and the whole wide world--are supposed to intertwined to make this happen. so tell me what are the chances. *sigh*

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a writeup from the scene where the above quote is extracted. if you have time, you might want to read up the emotions involved. (WARNING! SPOILERS)

it is ok

after 12 years going to church, i too found out "it is ok not to be ok".

lessons from the mountain - part2

'I remember a pivotal time early in my marriage. Steve and I were deep in the wilderness as Steve was going through his ninety-hour-a-week internship in Seattle. I was a believer, but an immature one, and I thought: What good does it do me to be married if my husband is never around? I also felt that if Steve really truly loved me he would find a way to beat the system. I expressed all these feelings to Steve.

Fortunately, Steve was godly enough to listen to me. Though my husband was young in his faith, the way he responded to me showed me Jesus. Steve came to me the next day and said he couldn't see a way to change his current situation as a medical intern. Before I could begin ranting and raving again, he said, "I love you and I care more about you and our marriage than my dream of being a surgeon. I am willing to give that up."

I was stunned as I thought about the sacrifice he was sincerely offering. Steve had already completed seven years of his training, but I knew he was speaking the truth because he, unlike me, is truly Christlike in the way of honesty. His willingness to sacrifice for me inspired me to sacrifice for him. I wept and I told him I loved him too, and that I would support him, and that we would make it through that year, and that we would make it through that year, and that he wouldn't hear any talk of ending our marriage ever again.' ~ Falling in love with Jesus

i wept right there. i concluded: women dont need things, maybe not even time and change; actually all they need is this little word called 'assurance'. but the sad truth is she dont normally know that. and we say things like "you are not meeting my needs?" honestly if you ask "What do you want?", we normally cant even give an answer to that.

but you know what is sadder. the truth untold: that many, many men out there toiled and work and get all kind of shit in the office just for their family. but not explained, not emphasized enough.

a guy asked me this the other day "how much assurance do a girl need?"
to which i briefly answered "everyday... (paused for a while) every minute"
he sighed "wah, quite difficult"

i know. and as a woman i wish it is not as difficult as well. i loathe myself for not belonging to the category of i-know-who-i-am-and-i-dont-need-a-man or i-know-God-loves-me-and-that-is-enough kind of women. but unfortunately im not, not strong enough for the former and not there yet for the latter. one more bad news, i happen to fall under the category of the majority.

just think about it, the fall of the whole creation was on her. she passed adam the fruit. do you know how much "it is ok, i still love you" she needs. honestly, she is having a hard time believing that God can love her. what makes it easier for you? but as you frequently remind her, just like you would for your daughter-to-come. one day, one day she will know.

may we all one day come to the full knowledge of God's love for us. meantime sorry, if we put too much expectations on you guys. we actually thought that it is more attainable to feel your love since you have a benefit of a mouth to express and arms to embrace. looks like it is as hard to figure out. i guess love can only be realised in the knowing.

one day... we will all know.

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just came back from 500 days of summer. i genuinely feel for him. the world will become a better place if we talk a little more.

lessons from the mountain - part 1

"The definition of romance is not limited to a guy and a girl. Though that's part of it, romance is so much bigger than just a love story. Romance has to do with making things lovely because of love. Romance means absorbing the beauty of life: conversation, atmosphere, places and surroundings. It means increasing our awareness of the fragrance of pine trees, freshly ground coffee, and sheets drying on the line; hearing the music of waves, children's laughter, and the rain drumming on the roof; seeing the signature of God on His creation. It means drinking the gift of life to the dregs. All to be enjoyed, all to be taken in...

My heart yearns for poetic phrases, perfect snowballs, and beautiful ballads. My heart was made for romance."


it is almost ironic that i spent the last few days on the same mountain of the last entry. as if the backdrop was set for this story to continue. it is just a two nights thing, i should be able to fit everything into my backpack, but i just cant seem to zip it. so i went up to my sis' room to grab a bigger bag to which i found this book. i think it is divine "Falling in love with Jesus – Abandoning yourself to the greatest romance of your life" by dee brestin n kathy troccolli. i immediately know i have to bring it. in the middle of the book was a note by the person who gave my sis the book. it was dated 2002, i cannot help but feel that He secretly arranged this. with a smile on my face, i stuff it into my bag.

i love "romance". Books, movies, stories, the idea of it. i love it when ppl leave notes for me, write letters and sms me unexpected messages that remind me that im special. i love journaling by the beach and reasoning with Him underneath the stars. but a few years back, i learned that the expectation of romance is an offense. that romance is just a fairytale thing, it is expensive and undoable, impossible to the time we are currently living. i remember i once try defending this word "romance" but fail in my attempt, thanks to my lack of vocab. but i remember saying to the extend of "no, im not saying i want flowers and gifts".

as you can read from the excerpts on top, i had already fallen in love with the book on the first few pages. because the opening pages free me from this guilt - the desire of wanting to live a romantic life. And seriously, contrary to expensive i realise that most of the romantic thing we can do are mostly free. im also intrigued to learn that i dont mind having a romantic break all by myself.

"i can do this forever: living on top of e mountain, all curled up next to the fire place with a latte n a book. life was a bliss the last 3 days" my recent tweet

so ya, here is me unapologetically back. criteria in a man: charming, romantic and with depth. i guess what i mean is, i dont need a rich man. just one that is willing to take the plunge with me to enjoy the rhythm of the earth and everything on it. breakfast on bed, sun shining in, with white sheets sounds really pretty :)

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was rereading some of my past entries about romance. still pretty interesting :)