jealousy

it really depends how much i like you. or maybe how much i think i have you. unless of course im super certain that you are all mine, the insecurity part of me always struggle with this little thing called jealousy. i might not do anything about it, i might not even tell you i feel that because seriously i dont really like that part of me. still this is something i have been trying to work through all these years but mostly fall flat on. of course there are a ransom one or two relationships that i dont feel like that, but on most of those occasions that guy normally took over that role. meaning that he would be rather possessive and jealousy would be his middle name. selfishly, i prefer that. at least i feel that the poison is not in me.

recently, as most of you know im not in a relationship. and so why should this issue bother me at all? it disturbs me, because i kinda get jealous over guys that doesnt even belong to me in the first place. of course it didnt affect me a lot because i dont even know who i like exactly. but the the next thing troubles me even more when i start to realise that i get busy even about what other girlfriends think about me. i really believe that these girls are a lot cooler than that, but some part of me think that their glare says something, that them intercepting into those conversations mean something more than just coincidence, that their girls after all and every girl gets jealous somewhat. not wanting any girl to even start feeling uncomfortable with me. most of the time i just try not to talk to much to those guys.

i seriously think that there is this little voice that always put crazy thoughts like this into me. so nowadays, i try not to entertain those thoughts. i start reminding myself not to think so much, and that favourite phrase works pretty well "if it is mine, it will be mine". probably i dun even want to start any relationship until i totally overcome this sickening trade, but will i ever? i hope so. i hope one day love will help me break free. this probably sums up how i look at potential candidate for now though. refusing to think or excite myself too much... if it is mine, it is mine. so i chant.