because im a girl

"BECAUSE I'M A GIRL" by Kiss
Version English
I just can't understand the ways
Of all the men and their mistakes
You give them all your heart
And then they rip it all away

You told me how much you loved me
And how our love was meant to be
And I believed in you
I thought that you would set me free

(REFRAIN):
You should've just told me the truth
That I wasn't the girl for you
Still, I didn't have a clue
So my heart depended on you, whoa

(CHORUS):
Although I'll say I hate you now
Though I'll shout and curse you out
I'll always have love for you
Because I am a girl

Been told a man will leave you cold
Get sick of you and bored
I know that it's no lie
I gave my all, still I just cry

Never again will I be fooled
To give my all when nothing's true
I won't be played again
But I will fall in love again

(REFRAIN)

(CHORUS)

I loved you so
Now you leave me in the cold
How could this be
I thought that you'd only love me

Into the night
I will pray that you're alright
You hurt me so
I just can't let you go

You took advantage of my willingness
To do anything for love
Now I'm the only one in pain
Will you please take it all away

Never thought being born a girl
How I can love you and be burned
And now I will build a wall
To never get torn again

august rush

strangers again

the thing is we all know the pattern but we just can help but let it happen all the same again.

we're all afraid of pain by wilber pan

from the taiwan tv series endless love

Synopsis, Story and preview:
Song Rui En had always believed that she would marry his childhood sweetheart one day. But her belief changed after she met Liang Jing Hao, a wisecracking guy who turned her world upside down. She was a girl from a rich family without a care in the world. And he was a penniless man with a chip on his shoulder. They overcame many obstacles to be together. But when Liang walked out on her the day before their wedding, she was at a loss to understand his reason. He reappeared three years later to find out, she is still waiting. Maybe to say waiting is an understatement. But yah, girls do that. What's wrong with them, idiot. Oh, i mean the girls.

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Something strike a chord here.

dream

a dream

i usually wouldnt take notice of chinese singing competition. but her story is one worth telling.

7 years ago at malaysian idol finale. (incidentally i was there)


this same girl, jess lee makes a very loud statement today. never give up in your dreams. champion of this season Taiwan, One In Million. she scored full points for all her 4 songs in the finale. so much so the judges was tempted to announce her winner before the show was over. they also said she can sign up with a recording studio immediately and cancel off her CNY plans :)

her story:


more


usual sucker, i teared hearing her stories and when she sings.

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her mum statement to her: "failures are stepping stones to success, which successful person doesnt have some?". what doesnt brings you down, makes you even stronger.

visualise, baby

NYC - Mindrelic Timelapse from Mindrelic on Vimeo.

a letter to my child

Dear darling,

Mummy just want you to know no matter where you are and what you are doing, regardless of your academic achievements, mummy and daddy love you very much.

My only prayer for you is that you live a faith driven life. A life that dare to walk into the unknown and move mountains because you know that God is with you. A heart strong enough to believe the God of the impossible, I believe you will do great things.

Examine your days and let everything be done with purpose in mind. If you have no reason to do something it is not worth your energy. When you find that purpose to do something then go all out to do it. Give your best shot, you have nothing to lose.

In all this adventure and passion do not forget people. For a life of purpose and excitement with no one in it is meaningless. Value every life that cross your path. Love them, see them and learn from them. That is life. That is so much more fulfilling than anything you can imagine.

love, mummy
2010

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i wrote this in 2010, in this activity i was asked "what would you write to your future child?". i realised when i read it again that it actually encompasses all that matters to my life. It is like last words before you die, you only say things that matter. so i feel i need to reread this again and again, so that i can constantly reexamine what really matters in life. because so often, we are preoccupied with things that doesnt matter.

love the way you lie cover by stephenie gee

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because i like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because i love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Always thought you and i were perfect
I could tell you from the start
Thought you were gonna be my man
but then you left, tore me apart
And now you are gone
You ain't by my side
Got me askin' questions
Cause everything we were was all a lie
When were you gonna tell me
Oh how you feel
Why you gotta wait so long to tell me it was all unreal

Everyday i sat by just waiting
For you to come back home
But then i saw you with a girl
Broke my heart, and left me cold
Seems so unreal
Cant' grasp this thought
Couldn't sleep at all last night
Cause just realised it was all a lie
When were you going to tell me
Just how you feel
Left me for someone else and here I am caught up in tears

all the beautiful things

concept behind 'the big 3 zero'

All photos by: www.anna-rina.com

"I was also touched when Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour called to propose an article and photo shoot for the December issue of the magazine. It was gutsy of her to offer and counterintuitive for me to accept. In fact, the experience did wonders to my spirits. I wore a glorious burgundy velvet Oscar de la Renta creation for the cover shoot. For a day, I escaped into a world of makeups artists and haute couture. The Annie Leibovitz photographs were great giving me the chance to look good when I had been feeling so low."
Hillary Rodham Clinton words in her biography Living History after the scandal between Bill and Monica Lewinsky

it was anna who presented me the idea of doing this set of photos. she says "it is time to change new FB's profile photo". in case you dont know, i owe almost my entire life profile photo for FB, twitter, msn and whatever else will come our way to her. the last time we did a location shot like this was probably when i was 27. she was in the beginning of her photography career. and now she is a renown photographer. by doing this it reminds me of these two things:
1. seeing how much we had progressed after these 3 years give me great assurance and anticipation for the years ahead
2. she made me believe i still have it. there is a kind of beauty in each of us regardless of our age and a genuine smile trumps wrinkles :)

i attached the 2007 and the 2010 version of myself. if you take a look at the comparison. i haven't change much in my style, just some new clothes.

set1: the soft side



2007 of me. yah the nice straight hair and floral dress

books, not because i really read a lot. but i do enjoy reading. and i definitely read a lot more the last few years than the first two decades of my life. these are books that had influence and inspired me one way or another, these are books i don't mind reading over and over again. many of you who knows me also know that im quite an open book, this is how i like to live my life. im not embarrassed of my past and my struggles because i recognized im only human and i had stopped trying to be perfect. my weakness on a contrary effect had made me more approachable and helped me gain more deeper friendships. recent years i learn to practice the sabbath, where i intentionally choose not to work, but to read and journal, it keeps me sane. this simply show the soft side of me, the fragile and vulnerable side of me.


set2: the wild side



2007 of me. see the red dress! trying to be hot too :)

i do get one or two negative comments on how i dressed up recently. and it is easy to removed them, just trash those dresses away. but after much thought i concluded "no". i like hot. i love victoria beckham. i think hot is a trend, a kind of attitude. though it might give some guys wrong impression of what kind of girl i am, it's ok. im done dressing up to fit the mold of mass production sweet gentle pretty girls. because even if my dress can deceive them, they will find out very quickly im far from that. or maybe because it is a deep down struggle that im frequently being compared to my sister. i like to be styled differently from her. i want to be seen as a separate individual. also, i think there is a difference between hot and slutty. hot girls can be slutty. but slutty girls are not necessary hot. my aim, thus is to be hot, untouchable hot :) i think that is cool or at least for now it is unless i get tired of this style.


set3: chill


i do not have a 2007 photos for this set. i think... i dont know how to be totally real yet :)

coffee, work, apple and me… yes that is me being very comfortable with all my stuff and favorite toys. yes, dont be jealous, that is how my workspace normally looks like. as you can see from my photos, i lie down, i put up my legs, for the record i also eat chicken wings with my hands. that is me, ppl just need to embrace me as i am. at least im real. love me or hate me. your choice. we called that personal preference and i will not be offended by it. or i learn not to be anymore.

view more photos here.
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i think these 3 sets of photos summarize me in a nutshell. my mum says, "why are your dresses either long long or short short". yah i don't like being in between. I'M MAKING A STATEMENT.

it is a beautiful day

Photo by: www.anna-rina.com

what do you do on your 30th birthday? i sit at starbucks by the glass window sipping my iced latte, seeing cars pass me by. Il dolce far niente, the italian phrase of "the joy of doing nothing" (from the movie eat pray love). i flip to the message psalm 30 that totally summed out my sentiments today. i read through those lines and let those words sink into me.

A David Psalm
I give you all the credit, God—
you got me out of that mess,
you didn't let my foes gloat.

God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm God's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain."
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.

I called out to you, God;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough.

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then i begin to scribble my heart conditions and a prayer in my little journal.

"Because of You, O God i have the courage to face tomorrow and the years ahead. to learn on the hindsight that there are always light in the end of my tunnel. that heartbreaks, disappointments, betrayals, regrets, and those days that i do not want to wake up to this lousy world though inevitable will pass away; but only the refined me and sweet memories will remain. so i ask only of this O God, a constant assurance of your presence. a heart that will continuously beats with passion. faith big enough to dive in with you in the crazy, great adventure ahead. and finally wisdom to seize the day, manage the resources and opportunities that present themselves to me. cheers to a good year."

put down my pencil, close my journal… look up to the reflection of me on the mirror. *smile*

it's a beautiful day.

the best mistake i've ever made

by joanna wang

One step too far
All at once I'm falling
Just like a star
I'm burning for you
Thought I could keep myself from feeling this way
I guess that was my first mistake

Cause suddenly I'm walking
Down a dark street to your door
Wanting you is driving me insane
And now my feet are standing
Where they've never stood before
Guarded by a twist of fate

If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I've ever made

I'm in your room
Now there's no denying
What's in your eyes
When I look at you
Two shadows talking but they don't make a sound

Words have lost their meaning now

And the air has turned electric
Now I know the time is right
To put myself into your hands
And suddenly I'm shaking
As your fingers touch my skin
I don't need to understand

And if tomorrow proves me wrong
I swear I don't belong
I know I'll carry on

So I will lose myself and bare my soul
Take this chance cause heaven knows
I'm so far gone, my choice is made
And even if my heart should break

When I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I'll always say
You're the best mistake I ever made

cruelity

birthday's surprises doesnt work in our generation anymore. because we often get what we dont want to know.

jar of hearts

by Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half a life
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half a life
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are

day141: wallpaper

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

dear john

Paperweight by Joshua Radi & Schuyler Fisk


Been up all night staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way with so many before
But this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise to go back to bed
I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers i'm waiting
Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers i'm waiting
Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

And no need to worry
That's wastin time
And no need to wonder
What's been on my mind
It's you
It's you
It's you

Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

And i give up
I let you win
You win cause i'm not counting
You made it back
To sleep again
Wonder what you're dreaming

the mountain we need to conquer

here we go, chaiyen and her impromptu trip. i think sometimes i do things like this, because i know if i have more time to think about it, it will never happen. this is one of the thing i never thought i will do in my life but heck im hitting the big 3 zero in months, so i better do it now before physical unfitness and age both become a burden. i only have less than 2.5 weeks to prepare for it and it rumoured to be raining season, i was stressed. so you can imagine i prayed out of my desperation. it is a miracle i made it and the weather turned out to be perfect.



the following few photos are what i had to walk through. i had to say every time i looked up, it did look terribly scary...

LESSON NO1:
i think just like life, sometimes the road ahead can look a bit intimidating but i went through it all just fine. on a hindsight, i actually enjoyed it. oh yahh, and the fact that i can eat 8 chocolate bars in the name of "energy bar" was totally cool.






we took the mersilau route and after 6.5 hours, i made it up to laban rata. i can't tell you how excited i was seeing this iconic building.




i love the most the hike up the peak. i walked this path all alone because i left my room a bit late and i was totally glad i did. there were a few moments i was just speechless while i leaned back on the rock. i looked up the sky filled with stars, i couldnt hold my tears as i chat with the one who created all this.



photo: chaiyen

walking alone is not without a cost :) if you take a closer look, i hurt my chin because i was walking alone and i couldnt see the path clearly. it seems to be no end to it because it was dark, i couldnt see the peak. i kept asking porters who passed by me "berapa lama lagi? (how far more)". i remembered the last porter told me "dekat saja. 5 minit (close, 5 more minutes only)". i challenged him again... "betulkah? (really)". i didnt trust him because most of them kept saying it is close... so that we push on. but before i know it, really i was already there. it was so close but i couldnt see it. after 3.5 hours i finally made it up to the peak, just in time for the sunrise. i have to say, i didnt really want to come down that mountain. in my opinion, mt k till date is the most beautiful place in malaysia i have ever seen. totally breathtaking.

LESSON NO2:
some of us are in darkness and it seems that life will never get better, take heart and keep walking we will be on the mountain top before we know it and we shall see sunlight very soon.







LESSON NO3:
mountains in life are meant to be conquered. intimidating, but every time we conquered each of them, we feel a lot greater and confident of ourself. so maybe there are there for a purpose, to strengthen us. impossible is nothing :)

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to anna, the babe in the photo with me, the one who made this whole trip possible for me. i wouldnt have done this, if you are not going with me. thanks for bringing me around kk, it is really serene and beautiful. love the whole experience, including getting to know your family. i was rejuvenated.

all photos courtesy of anna-rina unless indicated. for more scenic photos visit her blog. WARNING: it is breathtaking.

can i come closer?

At some point, you came into my heart
Afraid my heart would be found out
I tried to turn away from you
I didn't know I would feel this way
My heart keeps wavering

What am i to do now?
I can't stop my trembling heart
Even if i close my eyes, you appear before me
With my heart likes this, what can i do
Because of you, i cry and laugh

Now, if there is no you, there would be no me
Can i be with you, together with you?

I feel you eyes on me, it makes my heart thrill
Everyday i have moments of doubt
I didnt know i would feel this way
My heart keeps wavering

What am i to do now?
Can i just come closer like this?
Im missing you
Im only looking at you

What can i do with my heart like this?
Looking only at you, i waver
Now, if there is no you, there would be no me
Can i be together with you?

life long objective

'keep your eyes open, hold tight your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping' 1 cor 16.13-14 the message