a letter to my child

Dear darling,

Mummy just want you to know no matter where you are and what you are doing, regardless of your academic achievements, mummy and daddy love you very much.

My only prayer for you is that you live a faith driven life. A life that dare to walk into the unknown and move mountains because you know that God is with you. A heart strong enough to believe the God of the impossible, I believe you will do great things.

Examine your days and let everything be done with purpose in mind. If you have no reason to do something it is not worth your energy. When you find that purpose to do something then go all out to do it. Give your best shot, you have nothing to lose.

In all this adventure and passion do not forget people. For a life of purpose and excitement with no one in it is meaningless. Value every life that cross your path. Love them, see them and learn from them. That is life. That is so much more fulfilling than anything you can imagine.

love, mummy
2010

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i wrote this in 2010, in this activity i was asked "what would you write to your future child?". i realised when i read it again that it actually encompasses all that matters to my life. It is like last words before you die, you only say things that matter. so i feel i need to reread this again and again, so that i can constantly reexamine what really matters in life. because so often, we are preoccupied with things that doesnt matter.

it is a beautiful day

Photo by: www.anna-rina.com

what do you do on your 30th birthday? i sit at starbucks by the glass window sipping my iced latte, seeing cars pass me by. Il dolce far niente, the italian phrase of "the joy of doing nothing" (from the movie eat pray love). i flip to the message psalm 30 that totally summed out my sentiments today. i read through those lines and let those words sink into me.

A David Psalm
I give you all the credit, God—
you got me out of that mess,
you didn't let my foes gloat.

God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm God's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain."
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.

I called out to you, God;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough.

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then i begin to scribble my heart conditions and a prayer in my little journal.

"Because of You, O God i have the courage to face tomorrow and the years ahead. to learn on the hindsight that there are always light in the end of my tunnel. that heartbreaks, disappointments, betrayals, regrets, and those days that i do not want to wake up to this lousy world though inevitable will pass away; but only the refined me and sweet memories will remain. so i ask only of this O God, a constant assurance of your presence. a heart that will continuously beats with passion. faith big enough to dive in with you in the crazy, great adventure ahead. and finally wisdom to seize the day, manage the resources and opportunities that present themselves to me. cheers to a good year."

put down my pencil, close my journal… look up to the reflection of me on the mirror. *smile*

it's a beautiful day.

the mountain we need to conquer

here we go, chaiyen and her impromptu trip. i think sometimes i do things like this, because i know if i have more time to think about it, it will never happen. this is one of the thing i never thought i will do in my life but heck im hitting the big 3 zero in months, so i better do it now before physical unfitness and age both become a burden. i only have less than 2.5 weeks to prepare for it and it rumoured to be raining season, i was stressed. so you can imagine i prayed out of my desperation. it is a miracle i made it and the weather turned out to be perfect.



the following few photos are what i had to walk through. i had to say every time i looked up, it did look terribly scary...

LESSON NO1:
i think just like life, sometimes the road ahead can look a bit intimidating but i went through it all just fine. on a hindsight, i actually enjoyed it. oh yahh, and the fact that i can eat 8 chocolate bars in the name of "energy bar" was totally cool.






we took the mersilau route and after 6.5 hours, i made it up to laban rata. i can't tell you how excited i was seeing this iconic building.




i love the most the hike up the peak. i walked this path all alone because i left my room a bit late and i was totally glad i did. there were a few moments i was just speechless while i leaned back on the rock. i looked up the sky filled with stars, i couldnt hold my tears as i chat with the one who created all this.



photo: chaiyen

walking alone is not without a cost :) if you take a closer look, i hurt my chin because i was walking alone and i couldnt see the path clearly. it seems to be no end to it because it was dark, i couldnt see the peak. i kept asking porters who passed by me "berapa lama lagi? (how far more)". i remembered the last porter told me "dekat saja. 5 minit (close, 5 more minutes only)". i challenged him again... "betulkah? (really)". i didnt trust him because most of them kept saying it is close... so that we push on. but before i know it, really i was already there. it was so close but i couldnt see it. after 3.5 hours i finally made it up to the peak, just in time for the sunrise. i have to say, i didnt really want to come down that mountain. in my opinion, mt k till date is the most beautiful place in malaysia i have ever seen. totally breathtaking.

LESSON NO2:
some of us are in darkness and it seems that life will never get better, take heart and keep walking we will be on the mountain top before we know it and we shall see sunlight very soon.







LESSON NO3:
mountains in life are meant to be conquered. intimidating, but every time we conquered each of them, we feel a lot greater and confident of ourself. so maybe there are there for a purpose, to strengthen us. impossible is nothing :)

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to anna, the babe in the photo with me, the one who made this whole trip possible for me. i wouldnt have done this, if you are not going with me. thanks for bringing me around kk, it is really serene and beautiful. love the whole experience, including getting to know your family. i was rejuvenated.

all photos courtesy of anna-rina unless indicated. for more scenic photos visit her blog. WARNING: it is breathtaking.

life long objective

'keep your eyes open, hold tight your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping' 1 cor 16.13-14 the message

human history

We try to be our own masters as if we had created ourselves. Then we hopefully strive to invent some sort of happiness for ourselves outside of God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come human history... the long, terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.
CS Lewis

response

amid this chaos, i was sitting here trying to think how to respond to:
- forwarded news and photos of the burned premises
- prayer alert emails
- sms and emails rumours asking to remove religious articles fearing attack. (let's stop spreading rumours)

i started in the morning by praying. but i do not know exactly what to pray, so i just prayed in the spirit. then i stopped feeding my flesh to think. by night, i still do not know and was about to let it go; hoping when i open my eyes tomorrow all these will be gone.

i wasnt satisfied, i took out my journal and started penning down some thoughts. why is it when they said keep-your-christianity-low-profie-for-now i feel like answering them "im not afraid to call myself Christian". is it because of ego as if im not afraid to die? seriously if someone holds a knife at my throat to deny Christ, will i still say the same thing? why do so many people in this world die of martyrdom anyway? i mean God should understand that i was just trying to survive, it will be stupid to die for such a small thing. i mean they could for all you know bluff the persecutor, "yah im not a believer" and live. then spent the rest of his life serving God and saving more ppl. besides, this is always about me and God right? no... because it is never about how much i can do for God, it is about how much i really believe in this God. and that persecutor needs to hear seriously how true is this God to you.

so it is not about going around acting stupid saying "im a Christian, SO WHAT, kill me". i can tell you, you can surely die without the persecutor not feeling an inch of guilt. it is not ego or stubbornness. it is not about dying for the nametag Christian. it is about dying for a truth that i cannot deny my faith. martyr is always about these two things: One who chooses to suffer death rather than renounce religious principles and One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.

response:
1. today more than anything, is a wake up call for me to think that things like this -- churches set on fire -- will never happen in klang valley. it is a time to check my faith: am i afraid to go to church this sunday and deny all that i ever believe in? am i going to stop worshiping God? or am i going to keep doing what i have been doing for the last 12 over years?
2. should the church rise up to fight for our rights and damage? seriously no believer in the bible has ever done that. and it is not because we are weak or trying not to heat up the issue. it is because blessed are the meek, for they know better. show love.
3. it is easy at this time to stop looking at your Muslims friends so not to trigger any awkwardness. seriously that is exactly the plan of the evil one. to cause discomfort among races and religions. instead, at this very moment... i sit here and thank God that i can so freely call out one of my most passionate, best-est friend Anna Rina Rahim or call her b*tch for-all-i-want and she wont kill me for it. i can so crazily laugh with my most inspiring all rounded creative director of all time Sham Jallaludin or spell his damn long name wrongly for-all-i-know not fearing i upset him. how can i forget those crazy laughters i had with azni over lunch last week, one of the most capable nicest designer i ever know. so we just continue doing that, held on to the friendships we already have and stop thinking of the minority. soon the extremist will die down when the rest of the Muslims dont join them and the Christian are not responding to them. for what is not of God, will not last.

now my heart is at peace to sleep :)

genesis 1: God spoke

my iphone died 6am, i could not receive phone calls, neither can i call out. it must be this morning, of all morning, the very morning i act as a wedding planner. i panicked. i have to be at the hotel by 7am. all the vendors, the bridesmaids, the families are all going to be calling me. i try putting my simcard in another phone, it is not working either. shit, this is getting more horrid than i can bear. i have a faulty simcard. 6.15am in my towels and half changed, i call maxis and they told me i have to walk in to a maxis centre to get a new simcard. i know there is nothing much i can do. 6.50am, darn it... i just have to leave for the hotel NOW, i'll try figure out what to do later. so i grab everything and leave. juggling in between tying up the ribbon for my tube top, carrying my bag, my heels, my box of itinerary and what not, and yah not forgetting my latte in the fridge i packed in advance last night. this wasnt how i plan the day. not sleeping was not part of the plan too.

in my attempt to calm down, i pray: God why is this happening again? yes the exact same thing happened to my last iphone, the very morning i planned another wedding 2 years ago. i managed to slot my simcard into my old nokia phone then which refuse to even give me that consolation this morning. in my desperation i continue: God can you deal with me after this whole wedding is over. *beep beep* yes before i can say more, my phone is working again. and it continued to function till today.

so is God trying to talk to me? i believe so... and that line had not leave my head the last few days "God-deal-with-me-after-this". i believe that is him calling me to come back to His word. and so i did. may His grace carry me thru to do that very thing He calls me to do.

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my devotion

God spoke: "Light!" And light appeared.

at the first thought, i was thinking God you have an advantage. whatever you command just happen. if whatever i say will happen in an instance, my life will probably not be this mess up. then i let that thought continue. actually maybe not. it is grace that we require actions to make things happen. because our world will be double a hell if whatever we say will just happen. remember: we frequently say things we do not mean, and not say those we mean. we regret what we say and worst still sometimes dont even know what we say or want.

yet every now and then we are given authority to summon ppl to do as we say. for instance at the wedding, as a planner, every banquet manager, waitress, waiter, PA person, do as i say. but with that come a huge responsibility that i so often am not willing to carry. that whatever they do not do right, falls under my fault too. they are like my extra hands -- an extension of me, so i cannot say that my hand did not do as i say, or my leg is so stupid because she doesnt understand my instructions. with power comes responsibility, yes it surely does. the whole wedding turned up fairly well. i was so tired, i was on bed for almost two days thereafter. im actually glad to go back to the place of no authority, my comfort zone. never will i think that God is in advantage, instead im embracing that grace while i learn to speak wisely.

God, thank you for this training ground. thank you for not giving me the power im not ready to possess. teach me to think before i speak. at rightful time, teach me to speak with confidence and authority as a child of God should.

lessons from the mountain - part 1

"The definition of romance is not limited to a guy and a girl. Though that's part of it, romance is so much bigger than just a love story. Romance has to do with making things lovely because of love. Romance means absorbing the beauty of life: conversation, atmosphere, places and surroundings. It means increasing our awareness of the fragrance of pine trees, freshly ground coffee, and sheets drying on the line; hearing the music of waves, children's laughter, and the rain drumming on the roof; seeing the signature of God on His creation. It means drinking the gift of life to the dregs. All to be enjoyed, all to be taken in...

My heart yearns for poetic phrases, perfect snowballs, and beautiful ballads. My heart was made for romance."


it is almost ironic that i spent the last few days on the same mountain of the last entry. as if the backdrop was set for this story to continue. it is just a two nights thing, i should be able to fit everything into my backpack, but i just cant seem to zip it. so i went up to my sis' room to grab a bigger bag to which i found this book. i think it is divine "Falling in love with Jesus – Abandoning yourself to the greatest romance of your life" by dee brestin n kathy troccolli. i immediately know i have to bring it. in the middle of the book was a note by the person who gave my sis the book. it was dated 2002, i cannot help but feel that He secretly arranged this. with a smile on my face, i stuff it into my bag.

i love "romance". Books, movies, stories, the idea of it. i love it when ppl leave notes for me, write letters and sms me unexpected messages that remind me that im special. i love journaling by the beach and reasoning with Him underneath the stars. but a few years back, i learned that the expectation of romance is an offense. that romance is just a fairytale thing, it is expensive and undoable, impossible to the time we are currently living. i remember i once try defending this word "romance" but fail in my attempt, thanks to my lack of vocab. but i remember saying to the extend of "no, im not saying i want flowers and gifts".

as you can read from the excerpts on top, i had already fallen in love with the book on the first few pages. because the opening pages free me from this guilt - the desire of wanting to live a romantic life. And seriously, contrary to expensive i realise that most of the romantic thing we can do are mostly free. im also intrigued to learn that i dont mind having a romantic break all by myself.

"i can do this forever: living on top of e mountain, all curled up next to the fire place with a latte n a book. life was a bliss the last 3 days" my recent tweet

so ya, here is me unapologetically back. criteria in a man: charming, romantic and with depth. i guess what i mean is, i dont need a rich man. just one that is willing to take the plunge with me to enjoy the rhythm of the earth and everything on it. breakfast on bed, sun shining in, with white sheets sounds really pretty :)

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was rereading some of my past entries about romance. still pretty interesting :)

breaking of bread

why do christians have communion?

the past:
a visible and symbolic sign of remembrance of Christ's death and suffering. (1 corinthians 11:24-25)
- background history: the Jews celebrate the Passover meal annually by taking four cups of wine: 1. FREEDOM 'i will take you out of Egypt', 2. DELIVERANCE 'I will deliver you from Egyptian slavery', 3. REDEMPTION 'I will redeem you with demonstration of power', 4. RELEASE ' i wll acquire you as a nation' (exodus 6:6-8)
- so it is a symbolic sign of us celebrating the passover, the Lamb and the wine. and so on this day we should remember what God has done for us.
- out of the box: similarly that is why we say GRACE during meal, to remember His GRACE not merely to give thanks for the food.


the present:
our participation in the new covenant
- you know how gang's have brotherhood blood pax. yah by partaking of that wine we are joining into the covenant.

the unity and fellowship of believers
- the Greek word 'koinonia' refers to 'communion' or sometimes 'fellowship'. In greeks the phrase 'breaking of bread' can be interchangeably use with fellowship.
- the one bread, one wine symbolised the church as one body.
- the exchange of bread and wine with one another is to remember that it is a sharing of meal together, this is not just a personal 'dont disturb me' repentant affair. i personally think it is important to remember as well that Jesus did not just die for you alone but the person sitting next to you as well.
- out of the box: in fact every time we partake a meal together with our brother and sisters in Christ with God in mind, we are having communion. the breaking-of-bread together.


the future:
hope of His return
- background history: in the jewish engagement, the couple drink this glass of wine a sign of agreement to that engagement. the man then will go home to renovate the house and prepare a room for themselves. the woman on the other hand will never know when he will come. but the whole time she is suppose to be learning and preparing herself to be a good wife. she cannot go away for party and holiday because seriously she doesnt know when the groom will come back.
- and so for us, the partaking of that wine also symbolises our promise to Him that we will wait for Him to come back. at the meantime we are telling Him, we will prepare ourselves.

the big banquet
- background history: every Jewish man know that there is a big banquet at the day of His return (luke 14:15)
- the verse in luke 11:2-3 is a tough greek sentence to translate. the NASB version writes 'The bread of us belonging to the coming day give us today'. It is combining the verse prior to this making it sounds like this, 'Let the kingdom come, let the feast begin today'
- out of the box: so remember it is not a solemn affair only, it is a celebration of the feast. cheers!

'for whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes..."

actual meaning
eat = dont just eat but crunch, gnaw, chew
until = not just sitting passively waiting for it to happen but looked forward, anticipate and call upon it to come

favourite question

what is God's will for my life?

wrong question: the question should not be what is God's will for my life? it should be what is God's will (full stop). we need to stop thinking the world rotate around us.

"Our father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your WILL* be done on earth as it is in heaven"

(*emphasized by me)

---
seriously that is liberating. to stop looking out for what i should do or should not do but simply join Him in what He's doing. i ought to know this, somehow it is like a breath of new air.

faith of a child

every night samuel and sara will follow their mum to pray this prayer:
"i pray for daddy, mummy, samuel and sara. in jesus name. amen"

one brilliant night, sara added:
"i pray for daddy, mummy, samuel and sara... and baby oranges (she meant the small mandarin oranges she discovered during CNY). in jesus name. amen"

so samuel was inspired, he also added:
"i pray for daddy, mummy, samuel and sara... and cucumber and carrot. in jesus name. amen"

---
the next morning, her grandma bought a box of baby oranges to their place without the knowledge of their prayers. apparently it is one of carrefour discounted item.

three lessons from prayers of the two-year-old:
1. you do not need to teach a child to ask, we are born self centred
2. prayer of a child can move mountains
3. some prayers are not answered because we do not know what we ask for. for eg: samuel came to my place for lunch, we gave him carrot and he doesnt want it. it was in his prayer prolly because it was the few name of food he knows.

3 reasons to shed my tears

in the last week alone, 3 things made me shed some tears:
1. God's love, during communion in church
2. the unheard voices of the world, while watching blood diamond
3. a voice of hope, listening to obama's victory speech

faith, love and hope.
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He wept

people

i just came back from my church young adults camp.

the fact that i am there is a miracle in itself. i had not been to camp for ages, especially one that needs to leave the compound of my church. over the years, i somehow get a bit fearful of this idea of going for one. i didnt feel like packing my bag and heart to go to a foreign place and be drown with a speaker i barely know and make conversation with a bunch of ppl that i probably wont talk to after that. i didnt want to go gambling again that i may or may not encounter God. i didnt want to weary myself with all the above and very often chose not to go at all.

but i dunno is it because a whole bunch of the committee are my friends and i want to be supportive, or was it a nudge from God. i signed myself up, i made arrangements to make sure my sis sleep with me, actually to even make sure she will be in my games group but i failed to arrange the latter. i went with preparation that it might be difficult. i confess that the logos word has not awaken much within me. i only scarcely feel the tangible presence of God, much probably due to my lack of sleep and expectations. but somehow or not, i enjoyed the camp.

1. the first night, when i cry and cry without knowing why. i wasnt even responding to the speaker. it might be the fact that i am finally making baby steps to be part of this bigger community, or the thought that God has gracefully pull me through till today, or maybe even the simple gratitude that i am still a believer after all this. didnt really care which of the above is the reason, but i reckon some process of healing must be taking place.
2. the good mix of old friends, new crazy friends and weirdo to blame for those many continuous tearful laughters and increase of wrinkles. to say hi, smile, make conversations and putting names to faces that i have seen many times in that big auditorium of my church unknowingly gives me great satisfaction.
3. the 2 nights sleeping with my sister, is believed to be more than the total up conversations we made in the beginning of this year. definitely loads of bonding including sharing bathrooms, yes we have not grew out of that. the many gossips ended up to be probably most valuable lessons i get -- observing how love changes one girl who is deeply in love, witnessing a marriage proposal (the beauty in the words and commitment of the one who ask for the hand), how a girl handle herself around her ex with his new girlfriend, and so on. hearing the many drama of lives open my eyes to why ppl behave they way they do
4. seeing God works in a camp not like the way He used to do so create a bitter sweet feeling. that God might has change the pattern of how He does things make me even more fearful to tread on ministry ground again.
5. overcoming the fear of attending a camp (or not), actually from i-dunno-anyone to liking my games group was way beyond what i expect, touching/transferring a whole box worms during my games time must be one of the most fear-factor-ish thing i had ever done.

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i seriously forgotten what crippled me, when all this fear creep into me but the last few days i seem to be making discovery. may i find the cause and find freedom to them.

the omniscient one

i was pondering how to keep up to my savings plan and do all the things i want to do. then there were hiccups in my income with one of my client. but before i can pray about it (or maybe i did but i obviously had not put much though into it), it resolved. i have new client calling me which will keep me going for one or two months. so that took the worry off my head since i have more time to look out for new client.

i was thinking a little maybe i should go find back some clients that do something more funky like my previous ishmag. so that got me quite excited but before i know it my earlier client arrange back another package for me which comes back to the same figure. so i kinda have some bonus financially in the end. that's not it what they repackaged for me includes some other work which allows me to have some fun. the last few nights, i was just working on those artworks and it brought back all those sweet memories -- flipping books for inspiration, trying out colours and being mess-ly creative.

one thing i cant help but think about the whole week is i dont feel like im working on my own. you know normally a person that work on their own have to find their own client, fight for their own time and keep a balance of what they like to do and finance. i consider myself lucky that i taste a little of that in my first year but thereafter had been smooth sailing.

i can understand how many boast about how God provides, i can identify with that. but seriously im overwhelmed when i see HIM moves around my clients' plans to fulfill this area call passion for me. yes, maybe after i tell HIM about it but remember i havent even start praying. i cannot get how HE can be so quick to change things when i just start to think about it. i havent even put much thought into it. it was as if the conception of that thoughts was also given by HIM.

that must be it, so that today i can just sit here in awe of HIM all over again. do you think God had been speaking to me a lot recently? i think so too. for the record, im not less sinful now compare to yesterday. have to be grace and mercy.

passion

i went for dinner with ps lee choo. one planned since last year. but i have no complain, who am i to even have her time. so this act itself makes me feel really, really special. we went for dinner at la bodega, bsc. as we reached there, she told me she needed to get some milk. i was a bit curious why cant she get it after dinner. she insisted to get it immediately, "i need to get it now, i will surely forget later." we quickly get the milk and find a table in the restaurant. she carefully placed the milk on the seat next to her. she continued, "i cant put it on the floor, i will forget."

overall it was a really good time, because we know so many ppl in common we kinda talk about many, many ppl including mine. time quickly passed by and we made our way back to church. she did asked me if i want to join her, ps gary rucci from adelaide was here. i had heard him speak before and i really like him but somehow i said "maybe not". maybe it was a little pride hoping she didnt arrange the dinner before this just to make me join her. she didnt insist which i was actually hoping she does to prove me right. but she left. disclaimer: it is not really me to do this, but i actually kinda like ps gary rucci. just that this season of my life, i wonder if what he says will be significant to me at all.

i drove away a little empty, it is friday. i left my options open to go for that so i didnt make any other plans. so i started calling ppl. first, my oth kaki denied me. friend after friend i called to watch the green thing with me but they all seem to already made movie plans. so i drove away. then, i saw the main character of this episode of mine, THE milk. gosh what is it doing here. so i make my u-turn right at the junction and called ps lee choo. she didnt answer her phone as i predicted. so there is no other way except to park my car and go up there. i smiled at the whole process because it seems so funny to me because this whole paragraph does not need to be written if i would had just gone up in the first place.

so i went up with my excuse - the milk - and i prayed "God if you insist i come you must have quite a message for me, let it be done." behold this man spoke about passion.

what makes you cry, hotel rwanda? blood diamond? what provokes you? what is it that annoy you? what makes you figure for solutions? what makes you keep awake at night? what ignites your energy? what is your passion? you see after being a christian for so long it no longer about a war of doing good or bad. but a war of the good and the best. we can do a few good things in life but that will only built church-nity. christianity is about passion. jesus is a very passionate man. and it no coincidence his last week is called the passion week."

after the message, i sober up and walked over to ps lee choo with her milk. "you purposely left this in my car right? *with a smile on my face* but im glad i came up". she couldnt stop laughing and mumble something in the line of she was thinking where she left her milk while she was giving the altar call. funny what goes through the mind of a pastor. but the main point is more than something planned by ps lee choo, i couldnt help thinking how this whole thing is orchestrated by God.

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all these things come in aptly so that i can add it to my list of things to ponder about. 3 more days.

the present

if life is pre-destined then how does what we do matter? we will end up where we are anyway, right?

but the thing is even if life is predestined. we totally have no idea about what was predestined for us. so by not doing anything, we might be doing what was predestined, by fighting what we are destined to be we might be just fulfilling what was meant to be. we spoke as if we know what was destined for us and by intentionally doing against what we are destined to be we will change our destiny. but what if that intention was exactly part of what was destined to be? we know not what we ask sometimes. how so often we need to ask ourselves again the very question we ask.

our failure to fight today results to our regret tomorrow. what we fought for leads to our reward in time to come. that we may know that decisions we make today is part of that predestination that we do not know. so why do we call that predestined. for it is predestined for him who lives beyond time but for us who lives in time, we can never say our life is predestined. for us who are in the now even though the destination was already written down, we still am part of it because we are what is being written.

it is almost like a twist in the movie. a scene of a girl who walks into a big library filled with books. she saw one with her name written on it. she quickly run through page by page. it is exactly what she did the last 5 years. she wondered who had been stalking her, stoled her diary and penned down those words. she flipped to the front of the page to check who the author is? but she saw something more astounding. the book was published 6 years ago. so did her-very-action write the book or the book write about her?

Try as they may to savour the taste of eternity, their thoughts still twist the ebb and flow of things in past and future time. but if only their minds could be seized and held steady, they would be still for a while and, for that short moment, they would glimpse the splendour of eternity which is forever still. they would contrast it with time, which is never still, and see that it is not comparable. they would see that time derives its length only from a great number of movements constantly following one another into the past, because they cannot all continue at once. but in eternity nothing moves into the past: all is present. time, on other hand, is never all present at once. the past is always driven on by the future, the future always follows on the heels of the past, and both the past and the future have their beginning and their end in the eternal present. if only men's minds could be seized and held still! they would see how eternity, in which there is neither past nor future, determines both past and future time. excerpts st augustine confessions

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a thought like this showed how foolish i was yesterday. i do feel a little wiser today though i cant even pen down properly what i think i understand. still i am wiser today, better off in compare to yesterday. but when the next light dawn, i will think how foolish i am today to have said what i said. and now you see how empty our words are, how we think that we cannot change today after it passes but tomorrow just proves to have changed my today. but i take heart, that each thinking process leads me to higher truth. i have no intention to complicate life, but life is complicated and i will be a fool to live as if it is not. i will be careless to take for granted that tomorrow is not too late to fix things for i do not have a clue what is installed for tomorrow. i will be so wrong to think that i can undo what i did yesterday for what i did had been done and forever will be there. what we think, is not yet; but what we do, is.

so what the past already written, the future already penned down? somehow the now is still out for us to seize. do not leave life unquestioned, life is meant to be a quest.

one of a kind

lying there with both my eyes close while the girl massage my face and shoulder. suddenly i realised she was plucking my eye brows. i had this bad feeling that she might just get my brows off balance.

but i thought she is already half way through so i didnt bother, plus hair will grow, so whatever. with my eyes close i let my mind go wild into the topic. if God make all of us? isnt it a bit weird why some of us have bigger right eyes or longer left leg. to be a bit more crude isnt it nicer to have a pair of boobs that are of the same size. what measuring system does he use? it doesnt make sense to me. i trust him to be a more meticulous craftman than this, plus im one designer myself and i know what im talking about. if i want to make another leg, i will just duplicate the left and flip it over. then it will look perfect isnt it?

i was startle by what came to my mind following that. God crafted our left leg and right leg one by one. my left and right eyes, ears, hands, fingers, every single hair... all one by one. he did not make one hair and duplicate a bunch. he did not take the old template of my hair and duplicate it for my sister and twitch the colour a little. to sum that up, im not machine made nor am i computer generated. wow...

as if that doesnt blow my mind already... no way, every leaves, flowers, petals, trees, mountains, clouds. seriously, every grain of the tree trunk, the leaves, the direction of the branches. he put so much time in fashioning each and everyone of them. at the end of it i was dumbstruck of how much time he had spent on us. why will he put so much effort to it. a movie animator will tell you easily create 10 trees (which i believe is a lot of work in itself already), duplicate it and it will be a forest. if he is hard working, he will do 20 or maybe 30 to make it look more realistic. but He has went way beyond that to make it all different, not that He will be caught by any of us who rarely step foot in the forest. coming from one that can exert such power, there is nothing to explain this besides the fact that He takes pleasure in doing that.

yes, i was always told im special but i had never come to that understanding till today. even though i might not be a eye candy to you. i know im not perfect but i was never intended to be. so today i do feel a little special knowing the fact that someone up there actually took some time just to mold me in the history of mankind.

i wasnt too happy to find out that my intuition was right about my brows when i look at the mirror. but it was a good lesson learned so i gave that girl a break and left without pursuing the matter.

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forget about this dumb world that makes you feel less special than who you really are. remember, you are not perfect but you are more than that. YOU ARE GOOD, that is what He says the day he completed his creation.

become

be·come
to come into being/to live/to exist

a humdrum life we have and it is easy assume that God stop looking at us. most likely we had sin or perhaps HE is busy with other ppl or should we justify it by saying HE is teaching us to wait. we cling on to verses like this, hoping that we can get some kind of strength to refresh us to keep us going.

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength
They spread their wings and soar like eagles
they run and dont get tired
they walk and dont lag behind.

we skim through these lines that comes before that.

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob
or whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesnt care what happens to me"?
Dont you know anything? Havent you been listening?
God doesnt come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesnt get tired out, doesnt pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.

we so easily get tired of our life, especially when the cycle in life just keeps repeating itself. we think that HE easily quit just like we do. maybe it is easier to assume that HE stops working so that we can have a breeze. than to imagine Him allowing everything that we dont really like take place; or busy planning things that are about to happen which we are not ready to face. it is straining to think that He is trying to coincide all our stories together. it is too much for our tiny brain so we quit surveying who HE is. that is when our reason of being becomes faint. for it is in knowing HIM that we become. to recognise that we are living today not waiting for a plan, we are living in one waiting for it to be revealed.

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today, there is a strong desire to live.

grace

why should i like him, this selfish person doesnt deserve my love.
God says: no one ever deserve love.

you once ask, God show me how you love.
God says: im not sure if you can fully comprehend that.


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aslan is calling. time to rise and fight for your hearts

a precarious life

Father, who am i to you right now?
im nothing that you should even consider looking at
i make no contribution to your kingdom
even the devil pay no attention to me anymore

i no longer walk in victories like i used to do
i no longer walk straight in unshaken faith
i've come to learn that there is no formula in this precarious life of ours
Solomon and Job, none of them could understand it either

it was great to have a purpose, a passion, a job that everyone longs for
someone that loves and hold me through the night
those who sees me envied my life
your Spirit working within me was so powerful
i was sure of everything i say and do
ppl recognised that someone greater than myself was living in me

the question now: do i want to walk back into such a life?
i really dont know, God
do i ever deserve to have it back?
or
do i even want it at all knowing that i can lose it all over again.

there is a fear within that is still haunting me till this day
the pain that time has fail to wash away
will i ever have the courage to embrace back the fullness of life
or would i rather continue mourning over that which is no longer here

what are you teaching me, O God
make it plain to me
that my external failure
will not cause my heart failure too

there are two things i want to be thankful about
i believed that much tears has scourge my heart
i can for real say that 'God is still my God' not only in good times but in my nothingness too

if that is the only two lessons learned
i think i have progressed much
for i once lived by the rumours of how one needs to believe in God throughout good and bad times
i now have it all firsthand

surely You have no reason to take another look at me
and i have no business at Your court
today im nothing and empty handed
which makes You everything, a place rightful for You from the beginning

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these writing inspired by the books by the two names mentioned above