i dreamed a dream

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he’ll come to me
That we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

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i can't hold my tears hearing this again. chaiyen, dont stop dreaming, hoping and believing.

fate

"dont pretend i never fight for you"... “Oh, I fought for you Chuck! I fought finger and nail until I realised I was scratching at a door that turned out to be a wall.” Blair Waldorf, gossip girl

him: first the reluctance to commit, to let go of the freedom and women he can so easily get his hands on since young; then the struggle with his insecurities if he can live up to be that man for her; at moment he doubted that anyone can love and accept the dark side of his.

her: first her ego to admit she has fallen for him –– a womanizer; then the pride of not wanting to make the first move, wanting to be pursued; occasionally doubting he even loves her or just taking her for a ride.

this sums up GG season2. from separate frames we know that they love each other. but when one of the party fights like mad to make it happen, the other is most often not ready or unsure. every now and then a new girl and a new boyfriend will come be introduced thickening the wall between them. and this sums up a lot of our love stories as well.

my conclusion,
love without fate is not good enough. for that will only lead to pain and more pain.
fate alone is not enough either, for it will only bring us through strings of relationship that we do not need.
LOVE AND FATE is when a man and a woman that loves each other simultaneously fight for each other at the same time.

all these factors--love, time, action, space, feelings, emotions, other external stuff happening in each other lives, books we are reading, movies we are watching, songs we are hearing, the conversation with our friends and the whole wide world--are supposed to intertwined to make this happen. so tell me what are the chances. *sigh*

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a writeup from the scene where the above quote is extracted. if you have time, you might want to read up the emotions involved. (WARNING! SPOILERS)

it is ok

after 12 years going to church, i too found out "it is ok not to be ok".

lessons from the mountain - part2

'I remember a pivotal time early in my marriage. Steve and I were deep in the wilderness as Steve was going through his ninety-hour-a-week internship in Seattle. I was a believer, but an immature one, and I thought: What good does it do me to be married if my husband is never around? I also felt that if Steve really truly loved me he would find a way to beat the system. I expressed all these feelings to Steve.

Fortunately, Steve was godly enough to listen to me. Though my husband was young in his faith, the way he responded to me showed me Jesus. Steve came to me the next day and said he couldn't see a way to change his current situation as a medical intern. Before I could begin ranting and raving again, he said, "I love you and I care more about you and our marriage than my dream of being a surgeon. I am willing to give that up."

I was stunned as I thought about the sacrifice he was sincerely offering. Steve had already completed seven years of his training, but I knew he was speaking the truth because he, unlike me, is truly Christlike in the way of honesty. His willingness to sacrifice for me inspired me to sacrifice for him. I wept and I told him I loved him too, and that I would support him, and that we would make it through that year, and that we would make it through that year, and that he wouldn't hear any talk of ending our marriage ever again.' ~ Falling in love with Jesus

i wept right there. i concluded: women dont need things, maybe not even time and change; actually all they need is this little word called 'assurance'. but the sad truth is she dont normally know that. and we say things like "you are not meeting my needs?" honestly if you ask "What do you want?", we normally cant even give an answer to that.

but you know what is sadder. the truth untold: that many, many men out there toiled and work and get all kind of shit in the office just for their family. but not explained, not emphasized enough.

a guy asked me this the other day "how much assurance do a girl need?"
to which i briefly answered "everyday... (paused for a while) every minute"
he sighed "wah, quite difficult"

i know. and as a woman i wish it is not as difficult as well. i loathe myself for not belonging to the category of i-know-who-i-am-and-i-dont-need-a-man or i-know-God-loves-me-and-that-is-enough kind of women. but unfortunately im not, not strong enough for the former and not there yet for the latter. one more bad news, i happen to fall under the category of the majority.

just think about it, the fall of the whole creation was on her. she passed adam the fruit. do you know how much "it is ok, i still love you" she needs. honestly, she is having a hard time believing that God can love her. what makes it easier for you? but as you frequently remind her, just like you would for your daughter-to-come. one day, one day she will know.

may we all one day come to the full knowledge of God's love for us. meantime sorry, if we put too much expectations on you guys. we actually thought that it is more attainable to feel your love since you have a benefit of a mouth to express and arms to embrace. looks like it is as hard to figure out. i guess love can only be realised in the knowing.

one day... we will all know.

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just came back from 500 days of summer. i genuinely feel for him. the world will become a better place if we talk a little more.

lessons from the mountain - part 1

"The definition of romance is not limited to a guy and a girl. Though that's part of it, romance is so much bigger than just a love story. Romance has to do with making things lovely because of love. Romance means absorbing the beauty of life: conversation, atmosphere, places and surroundings. It means increasing our awareness of the fragrance of pine trees, freshly ground coffee, and sheets drying on the line; hearing the music of waves, children's laughter, and the rain drumming on the roof; seeing the signature of God on His creation. It means drinking the gift of life to the dregs. All to be enjoyed, all to be taken in...

My heart yearns for poetic phrases, perfect snowballs, and beautiful ballads. My heart was made for romance."


it is almost ironic that i spent the last few days on the same mountain of the last entry. as if the backdrop was set for this story to continue. it is just a two nights thing, i should be able to fit everything into my backpack, but i just cant seem to zip it. so i went up to my sis' room to grab a bigger bag to which i found this book. i think it is divine "Falling in love with Jesus – Abandoning yourself to the greatest romance of your life" by dee brestin n kathy troccolli. i immediately know i have to bring it. in the middle of the book was a note by the person who gave my sis the book. it was dated 2002, i cannot help but feel that He secretly arranged this. with a smile on my face, i stuff it into my bag.

i love "romance". Books, movies, stories, the idea of it. i love it when ppl leave notes for me, write letters and sms me unexpected messages that remind me that im special. i love journaling by the beach and reasoning with Him underneath the stars. but a few years back, i learned that the expectation of romance is an offense. that romance is just a fairytale thing, it is expensive and undoable, impossible to the time we are currently living. i remember i once try defending this word "romance" but fail in my attempt, thanks to my lack of vocab. but i remember saying to the extend of "no, im not saying i want flowers and gifts".

as you can read from the excerpts on top, i had already fallen in love with the book on the first few pages. because the opening pages free me from this guilt - the desire of wanting to live a romantic life. And seriously, contrary to expensive i realise that most of the romantic thing we can do are mostly free. im also intrigued to learn that i dont mind having a romantic break all by myself.

"i can do this forever: living on top of e mountain, all curled up next to the fire place with a latte n a book. life was a bliss the last 3 days" my recent tweet

so ya, here is me unapologetically back. criteria in a man: charming, romantic and with depth. i guess what i mean is, i dont need a rich man. just one that is willing to take the plunge with me to enjoy the rhythm of the earth and everything on it. breakfast on bed, sun shining in, with white sheets sounds really pretty :)

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was rereading some of my past entries about romance. still pretty interesting :)

summer scent

it was freezing cold especially in the morning and night, thanks to the rain. that was the exact weather i remembered the last time i was in korea. absolutely breathtaking and i never imagine i will chance into this. sipping tea from a glass restaurants, on top of a hill overlooking such a view. i cannot stop thinking of the scenery in the korean drama summer scent. plus the glass house reminded me of my dream house. with such combination... what can i say, i wish i have someone to keep me warm. i wish i can wake up every morning and see this site from my balcony.

this heavenly place is where i spent my weekend. no not another trip to korea, though it feels almost foreign. though me myself dont really feel like i was in malaysia, it is indeed here in cameron.







the land flowing with strawberries. so i had strawberry strudel, strawberry with ice cream,strawberry crepe, strawberry for lunch and supper. sorry i couldnt bring them back, they didnt survive the weather.



to end the freaking cold night with hot steamboat is just perfect.


it was a good time with my family.

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ps: im not the only one comparing summer scent and cameron highlands, check this out. so wei min, i guess i found you your location set for the making-of-your-first-korean-drama.

totally unrelated but yah if ur free. i can never forget this dancing scene from summer scent.

background music, Summer Scent OST: DOO BUN JAE SARANG (Second Love) by Seo Jin Young, BI MIL (Secret) by Jung In Ho, UH JJUN MYUN (Maybe) by Seo Jin Young

hints followed by guesses

The written word is clearer than the spoken word. Language, as we speak and hear it, is very ambiguous. We miss a lot, we misunderstand a lot. No matter how logically and plainly things are said, the listener quite often don't get it right. Conversely, no matter how attentive and knowledgeable the listener, the speaker most often doesn't say it right. We proceed, as T.S.Eliot once put it, by "hints followed by guesses" - excerpts from Eat This Book, eugene peterson

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this finally console the tiny heart of mine that struggles all my life with this thing call language. Besides the point that i do not have a strong command in english, neither fully in cantonese, nor have i conquer fully my mandarin. i feel that i do not have a language that i can use to fully convey what i feel inside my heart and mind. so very often i find myself being misunderstood. therefore whenever i have something bothering me... i normally rehearse it many many times before i meet up with the person. the many reasons and issues will all assembled in my mind wanting to be part of the final outcome. i will try saying it out loud, arranging them, sometimes it gets too complicated i might even grab a pencil and paper to help clear my mind.

but all these are meaningless because the sentence that i finally manage to string out doesn't even feel like what i want to say. the process will go on for a few nights most of the time, especially when i dont quite like those sentences. finally i will get really irritated and agitated with the many sleepless nights and just spilled it all out. not in order, to my regrets most of the time i forget what i want to say and add what i should not have.

so i write sometimes, thinking that it gives me more time to think through what i say but i have come to believe that is even worst because the tone is never right. leaving the misunderstanding worst than before.

so i stop expressing.

so i stop explaining myself.

so my heart stop.

so language is now only a piece of business, transactions, a meaningless exchange of words.

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conclusion: i dont think there is anything we can do about it to avoid misunderstanding but maybe something to avoid more damage. write love letters, iron things out face-to-face when you are in a fight. the-one-conversing say only what is important, keep it short. say what-you-want as the outcome, do not leave it for the other party to assume. the-one-listening always give a benefit of doubt. speak with love, receive with love.

that piece of paper

"However something about these engraved pieces of paper can destroy a marriage or cause men and women to sacrifice leisure time with family and friends, and even health, to get more of them. This innocent paper you're holding has driven young men in the inner city to entice their friends to take killer drugs. It has corrupted the justice of men who started out to give their lives upholding the law. The lust for money has led adults to do the unspeakable things to children, to make millions in the kiddie-porn trade. The desire for wealth has even caused wars. Somehow money has the terrible ability to gain control of a person's soul. The power of money can bring life or death."

excerpts from Daring to live on the edge by loren cunningham

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suddenly reread this, worth a moment of pondering.