how have you been

你, 好不好？周興哲
How Have You Been? by Eric Chou



是不是 還那麼愛遲到
Shi bu shi hai na me ai chi dao
Are you always late as usual?

熬夜工作又睡不好
Ao ye gong zuo you shui bu hao
Staying up late to work and not sleeping enough?

等你 完成你的目標 要戒掉逞強的嗜好

Deng ni wan cheng ni de mu biao, yao jie diao cheng qiang de shi hao

After you've achieved your dream, you have to quit the habit of overexerting yourself

都怪我 把自尊放太高

Dou guai wo bai zi zun fang tai gao
It's all my fault, for letting pride get in the way

沒有把你照顧好
Mei you ba ni zhao gu hao 
Not taking enough care of you

驕傲 是脆弱的外表最怕我的心你不要
Jiao ao shi cui ruo de wai biao Zui pa wo de xin ni bu yao
Pride was the exterior I use to cover up of my vulnerability, the thing I fear the most is that you don't want my heart


Chorus
能不能繼續 對我哭 對我笑 對我好
Neng bu neng ji xu dui wo ku dui wo xiao dui wo hao
Can you continue to cry to me, smile at me, be nice to me?

繼續讓我 為你想 為你瘋 陪你老
Ji xu rang wo wei ni xiang wei ni feng pei ni lao
Allow my to think for you, get crazy over you and grow old with you

你好不好 好想知道
Ni hao bu hao hao xiang zhi dao
How have you been? I wanna know badly

別急著把回憶都丟掉
Bei ji zhe ba hui yi du diu diao
Don’t be in haste to throw all the memories away 

-
我只需要你 在身邊 陪我吵 陪我鬧
Wo zhi xu yao ni zai shen bian pei wo chao pei wo naoI just need you by my side, even to fight with me or just make some noise

用好的我 把過去 壞的我 都換掉

Yong hao de wo ba guo qu huai de wo dou huan diao
Let the good in me replace the old, bad me. 

好想聽到 你堅決說愛我
Hao xiang ting dao ni jian jue shuo ai wo
How I wish to hear you say that you'd love me no matter what, 

可惜回不去那一秒
Ke xi hui bu qu na yi miao

Unfortunately, we can't go back to that moment


你好不好
Ni hao bu hao
How have you been?


Verse 2 
天知道 我快要受不了
Tian zhi dao wo kuai yao shou bu liao
God knows... I can't take it any anymore

後悔鑽進心裡燒
Hou hui zuan jin xin li shao
The regret is burning in my heart

擁抱 再多一次就好
Yong bao zai duo yi ci jiu hao
One more embrace would be enough

你要的我都做得到
Ni yao de wo dou zuo de dao
I would do anything you want

-
Chorus2
能不能繼續 對我哭 對我笑 對我好
Neng bu neng ji xu dui wo ku dui wo xiao dui wo hao
Can you continue to cry to me, smile at me, be nice to me?

繼續讓我 為你想 為你瘋 陪你老
Ji xu rang wo wei ni xiang wei ni feng pei ni lao
Allow me to think for you, get crazy over you and grow old with you

給你的好 還要不要
Gei ni de hao hai yao bu yao
Would you still accept it, the good I'd give to you now 

答案我卻不敢揭曉
Da an wo que bu gan jie xiao
Yet I dare not hear your answer.


我只需要你 在身邊 陪我吵 陪我鬧
Wo zhi xu yao ni zai shen bian pei wo chao pei wo nao
I just need you by my side, even to fight with me or just make some noise

別用離開教我 失去的人最重要
Bie yong li kai jiao wo shi qu de ren zui chong yao
Don't use leaving as a lesson to teach me 'you only realise the importance of someone when they are gone'

別說 你曾經愛過我
Bie shuo ni ceng jing ai guo wo
Don't tell me that you loved me

讓我們回到那一秒
Rang wo men hui dao na yi miao
Let us go back to the moment

你好不好
Ni hao bu hao
How have you been?

-
Last chorus 

能不能繼續 對我哭 對我笑 對我好
Neng bu neng ji xu dui wo ku dui wo xiao dui wo hao
Can you continue to cry to me, smile at me, be nice to me?

繼續讓我 為你想 為你瘋 陪你老
Ji xu rang wo wei ni xiang wei ni feng pei ni lao
Allow me to think for you, get crazy for you and grow old with you,

你好不好 我好想知道
Ni hao bu hao hao xiang zhi dao
How have you been? I wanna know badly.


別急著把我的愛丟掉
Bie ji zhe ba wo de ai diu diao
Please don't be in haste to throw my love away.

我只需要你 在身邊 陪我吵 陪我鬧
Wo zhi xu yao ni zai shen bian pei wo chao pei wo nao
I just need you by my side, even to fight with me or just make some noise

別用離開教我 失去的人最重要
Bie yong li kai jiao wo shi qu de ren zui chong yao
Don't use leaving as a lesson to teach me 'you only realise the importance of someone when they are gone'

別說 你曾經愛過我
Bie shuo ni ceng jing ai guo wo
Don't tell me that you loved me

讓我們回到那一秒
Rang wo men hui dao na yi miao
Let us go back to that moment

你好不好
Ni hao bu hao
How have you been?

a dream

i usually wouldnt take notice of chinese singing competition. but her story is one worth telling.

7 years ago at malaysian idol finale. (incidentally i was there)


this same girl, jess lee makes a very loud statement today. never give up in your dreams. champion of this season Taiwan, One In Million. she scored full points for all her 4 songs in the finale. so much so the judges was tempted to announce her winner before the show was over. they also said she can sign up with a recording studio immediately and cancel off her CNY plans :)

her story:


more


usual sucker, i teared hearing her stories and when she sings.

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her mum statement to her: "failures are stepping stones to success, which successful person doesnt have some?". what doesnt brings you down, makes you even stronger.

life long objective

'keep your eyes open, hold tight your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping' 1 cor 16.13-14 the message

one cannot do nothing

love what FRONTLINE videos are doing, because they leave ppl like us no more excuse to not know the what is happening in Haiti.
- if you cannot view, go here click top right "watch the program"

one: "THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END"


two: RELIEF EFFORTS – THE STAGGERING OBSTACLES


three: THE STORY OF A DREAM DENIED


four: HOW TO REBUILD REMAKE HAITI



---
these videos make me cry, i mean seriously... almost unstoppable. my shirt is wet.
what makes you cry, hotel rwanda? blood diamond? what provokes you? what is it that annoy you? what makes you figure for solutions? what makes you keep awake at night? what ignites your energy? what is your passion? you see after being a christian for so long it no longer about a war of doing good or bad. but a war of the good and the best. we can do a few good things in life but that will only built church-nity. christianity is about passion. jesus is a very passionate man. and it no coincidence his last week is called the passion week."
rethinking what i wrote.

day86: a simple card

someone called me out of the blue, she was crying all the way telling me how much she misses my friendship when she stumbled into the book and card i gave her. she read the content to me which i barely remember. that is what letter and cards do, it freezes the moment we treasure and store it there. it goes a long way, so dont stop writing.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

genesis 1: God spoke

my iphone died 6am, i could not receive phone calls, neither can i call out. it must be this morning, of all morning, the very morning i act as a wedding planner. i panicked. i have to be at the hotel by 7am. all the vendors, the bridesmaids, the families are all going to be calling me. i try putting my simcard in another phone, it is not working either. shit, this is getting more horrid than i can bear. i have a faulty simcard. 6.15am in my towels and half changed, i call maxis and they told me i have to walk in to a maxis centre to get a new simcard. i know there is nothing much i can do. 6.50am, darn it... i just have to leave for the hotel NOW, i'll try figure out what to do later. so i grab everything and leave. juggling in between tying up the ribbon for my tube top, carrying my bag, my heels, my box of itinerary and what not, and yah not forgetting my latte in the fridge i packed in advance last night. this wasnt how i plan the day. not sleeping was not part of the plan too.

in my attempt to calm down, i pray: God why is this happening again? yes the exact same thing happened to my last iphone, the very morning i planned another wedding 2 years ago. i managed to slot my simcard into my old nokia phone then which refuse to even give me that consolation this morning. in my desperation i continue: God can you deal with me after this whole wedding is over. *beep beep* yes before i can say more, my phone is working again. and it continued to function till today.

so is God trying to talk to me? i believe so... and that line had not leave my head the last few days "God-deal-with-me-after-this". i believe that is him calling me to come back to His word. and so i did. may His grace carry me thru to do that very thing He calls me to do.

---
my devotion

God spoke: "Light!" And light appeared.

at the first thought, i was thinking God you have an advantage. whatever you command just happen. if whatever i say will happen in an instance, my life will probably not be this mess up. then i let that thought continue. actually maybe not. it is grace that we require actions to make things happen. because our world will be double a hell if whatever we say will just happen. remember: we frequently say things we do not mean, and not say those we mean. we regret what we say and worst still sometimes dont even know what we say or want.

yet every now and then we are given authority to summon ppl to do as we say. for instance at the wedding, as a planner, every banquet manager, waitress, waiter, PA person, do as i say. but with that come a huge responsibility that i so often am not willing to carry. that whatever they do not do right, falls under my fault too. they are like my extra hands -- an extension of me, so i cannot say that my hand did not do as i say, or my leg is so stupid because she doesnt understand my instructions. with power comes responsibility, yes it surely does. the whole wedding turned up fairly well. i was so tired, i was on bed for almost two days thereafter. im actually glad to go back to the place of no authority, my comfort zone. never will i think that God is in advantage, instead im embracing that grace while i learn to speak wisely.

God, thank you for this training ground. thank you for not giving me the power im not ready to possess. teach me to think before i speak. at rightful time, teach me to speak with confidence and authority as a child of God should.

i dreamed a dream

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he’ll come to me
That we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

---
i can't hold my tears hearing this again. chaiyen, dont stop dreaming, hoping and believing.

summer scent

it was freezing cold especially in the morning and night, thanks to the rain. that was the exact weather i remembered the last time i was in korea. absolutely breathtaking and i never imagine i will chance into this. sipping tea from a glass restaurants, on top of a hill overlooking such a view. i cannot stop thinking of the scenery in the korean drama summer scent. plus the glass house reminded me of my dream house. with such combination... what can i say, i wish i have someone to keep me warm. i wish i can wake up every morning and see this site from my balcony.

this heavenly place is where i spent my weekend. no not another trip to korea, though it feels almost foreign. though me myself dont really feel like i was in malaysia, it is indeed here in cameron.







the land flowing with strawberries. so i had strawberry strudel, strawberry with ice cream,strawberry crepe, strawberry for lunch and supper. sorry i couldnt bring them back, they didnt survive the weather.



to end the freaking cold night with hot steamboat is just perfect.


it was a good time with my family.

---
ps: im not the only one comparing summer scent and cameron highlands, check this out. so wei min, i guess i found you your location set for the making-of-your-first-korean-drama.

totally unrelated but yah if ur free. i can never forget this dancing scene from summer scent.

background music, Summer Scent OST: DOO BUN JAE SARANG (Second Love) by Seo Jin Young, BI MIL (Secret) by Jung In Ho, UH JJUN MYUN (Maybe) by Seo Jin Young

i want more emo

seriously, im not sure if grey's has lost its punch or i am just not enjoying the bit that everyone is just having a happy relationship. there is no-more-guessing-game, no-more-misunderstanding, no-more-crying. everyone found their loved ones, happily in love, everyone seems to be supportive and understanding. call me depressing, but i like watching depressing tv series. i am suppose to finish watching it with a bucket of tears. i am suppose to feel what i am going through is common since it is in their script. i am suppose to feel so much better after watching it because my life dont suck that badly.

it is an ironic feeling. season5, gave me all the ending that i desired - meredith and mcdreamy after all the drama finally come back together. but i dont an inch feel happy or loved seeing them together. it is frustrating isnt it, im not suppose to feel like that. what is it? do i already not believe in happy ending?

sometimes when we touch

after cell, raymond picked up the guitar and started singing some oldies. i dimmed the light, we laid down there refusing to go home. it went on and on past midnight. he might not be a perfect singer but it didnt matter, the acoustic version of all those songs, the yellow light, pillows and the sound of drizzle outside made the night almost perfect. not only his wife, it got all the girls mesmerised. these are the results of it all.

david: i need to pick up guitar.
cy: im certain now i need to find a man that can play the guitar. my goodness, imagine him putting me to sleep every night like this. (for a while right there, i forgotten everything else in life)

we oftentimes try to move on from the childish romantic love, we try to remind ourselves that hollywood love is not true love. i understand that is not all love is about but we slowly shun ourselves from surprises, gifts and sweet words. after a while we forgot how to love... we refuse to awaken anything inside. the fear of getting too close yet again.

let us all let go of the past and put back on that childlike faith to love boldly once again. i am finding my way back to my first love, that is if i still remember the way. hopefully halfway, i will find someone that can lead me back there.



Sometimes When We Touch
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

3 reasons to shed my tears

in the last week alone, 3 things made me shed some tears:
1. God's love, during communion in church
2. the unheard voices of the world, while watching blood diamond
3. a voice of hope, listening to obama's victory speech

faith, love and hope.
---
He wept

dreams and miracles

the long journey back i was just thinking through some of those impossible thing that i had ever dreamt of doing in my life.


1. to live in a glass house, better still by the beach and i promise you i have no problem living in it.

2. to own a beautiful paper shop like 'prints'

3. to plan a dream city where everything inside are what we always dream about. from school, supermarket to homes of our dream. very much inspired by my lego world

4. to own a studio apartment


5. to be holding the hand of someone i love lost somewhere around the world having a romantic getaway

---
impossible as it may sounds like but who knows going to japan was an impossible, planning a wedding was an impossible and this is impossible...



we are living in a world filled with miracles. (im touched by her life and songs)

it's toxic

i did my substitute job today.

he is super down, the girl isnt responding i suppose. i didnt ask much, "it's complicated" was enough nowadays to keep me quiet.

so we are not going to talk about it and i fully understand that because sometimes talking about it makes you double more miserable than you already are. so the best place is the cinema. i company him for a movie (helping him kill time) which is like he companying me for a movie (cause i wanted to watch 27 dresses). so it is a win win situation.

after the whole movie. im down. is it the movie about her always a bridesmaid but never the bride. or is it the younger sister getting married first. or is it liking a guy for the longest time and seeing him get married. or was it me sharing my friend burden. maybe it is all that.

---
it is fine. i like being emo. grey's tonight

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." meredith, grey's

who is holding the trump card?

in every relationship whether we believe it or not someone is holding the trump card. whether it is friendship or a boy girl relationship. the person holding the trump card has the power to win whether he or she is right or wrong. as much as we like the fact that the person at wrong to apologise. after a while i have come to a point in the reality of the world today is it doesnt really matter anymore who is right and wrong. both party most of the time think that they are right. so what keeps the relationship would be the one that treasure that friendship or relationship more than the other.

the ideal plan though is never to allow your other friend to know he or she is holding that trump card or to prolong that person from knowing it. but still sometimes that is just to deny the fact that we are not holding it. how to play when you have bad cards, play carefully.

---
tuesday was very eventful and it was all last minute plan. at 9pm i went with anna to gerard and rowlings for a drink, i honestly think they are very generous with their liquor plus my threshold is not that great or unless the fact is true that you get drunk faster if you are down.

then i went to william's mamak at about 10.30pm to meet up with weng onn before he leaves the next day for newyork.

passed by justin's place about 11.30pm to pass him his namecards. used the loo and got hooked watching nanking.

after feeling more sober, at 1.30am finally arrived at asia cafe to meet alan and the boys. told you i have soft spot for birthdays. i was very late but i came right heheh... happpppy birthday.

it was a waste by the time i reached home not only the liquor has no effect i was feeling very much the opposite, i was too awake. after my great effort of the whole night i would at least think that i can rest early. my plan doesnt work *sigh*

heartache

noun
emotional pain or distress; sorrow; grief; anguish

all my life i never could give an answer to this question "What is the greatest regret in your life?" i had done many things im not proud of but i stood up after each of it because i know i can find some good out of that. very often i will gleefully answer "I dont have any regrets".

it is my regret though today to announce that i have found the greatest regret in my life (and no it is not my last failed relationship). every time i think of what happen that night, i just couldnt believe how i allowed that to happen. and it seems to me nothing i do can stop it from progressing. i had tried warning it from happening, i had tried pleading it not to continue and i had tried reasoning why i dont want it to happen. but the same thing just happen again and again. i sit here with tears in my eyes, i know i have no one to blame but myself because i allow it to happen. i really wish there is a way to undo that night because with that i can erase a whole load of things that came with it after that. ask me again why i never tried sex? besides the fear of God, i was just never ready with facing long term consequences like this.

forgiveness is easy when things change but what if they never. how much grace do you think it demands from heaven to love in spite of that. sometimes i really want to just run away from this situation. i honestly do not know what help it does to stay around but as hard as it may be, im allowing God's grace to do His work and i just want to practice the very thing i preach -- i want to face the issue.

GOD, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

---
alright i shall go watch grey's so that i can be distracted by other ppl trouble and not mine.

im a freaking right brainer

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." Meredith Grey, grey's anatomy

are you sure most ppl see her dancing anti clockwise.

RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses feeling
"big picture" oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
believes
appreciates
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking

i hate myself for always reacting the way i am... but i love myself for that too because who i am if i do not react the way i do. just like how a guy loves me for it then later he knows how much they can't stand me for all the above. it is a love and hate feeling :)

emotional

i had plans lined up the whole day so i cant sent her off to the airport. but i know no matter what, i need to drop by to give her a hug. she was the ever consistent figure since day 1 i stepped into church.

she faithfully fetch all of us early in the morning to church.
she was also the one that guide me through my christian foundations patiently.
she gave me the guidance and the room to do the many things i was passionate about.
she is one of the few which i believe never misread my intentions.

she is my cell leader, my pastor and my friend.

i didn't say much because i don't know where to start or what to say. i just gave her a hug and jokingly continued 'kay, you grow up already... you are leaving the country'. she immediately start laughing and crying all at the same time. i just smile helding up the emotions. she had done very well recently getting us girls to meet up again. and honestly i really fear for a moment without her around if we will still. anyway the whole 10 mins thing by the roadside was just pure emotional...
---

then i went to meet a friend that i used to be really close with. the whole journey driving there, loads of bitter sweet memories flooded my mind. but i refused to think more about it and i just prayed for the best out of it because chances like this doesnt come by often.

so there i was at bsc and behold im surrounded by big framed up 1957 new straits times. i just can't help but read from one to another.


the words were so magical... so not-like-our-boring-formal-newspapers-today.


i'm sure he knows God. 'In the name of God, the compassionate, the merciful. praise be to God, the Lord of the Universe and may the blessings and peace of God be upon his messengers.'


a humble man 'In the name of God, the compassionate, the merciful, Tunku Abdul Rahman.., Prime Minister of the Persekutuan Tanah Melayu, with the concurrence and approval of Their Highnesses the Rulers of the Malay States do hereby proclaim and declare on behalf of the ppl of the Persekutuan Tnaha Melayu that as from the thirty first day of August, nineteen hundred and fifty seven, the Tanay Melayu comprising the States of Johore, Pahang, Negri Sembilan, Selangor, Kedah, Perlis, Kelantan Trengganu, Perak, Malacca and Penang is and with God's blessing shall be for ever a sovereign democratic and independent State founded upon the principles of the liberty and justice and ever seeking the welfare and happiness of its ppl and the maintenance of a just peace among all nations.'


as a singaporean, i do not know what to say.

after reading up a few i felt overwhelmed putting myself in the shoes of those present on that day. i have every right to fell that God really orchestrated malaysia independence day. whether it is the God fearing man tunku abdul rahman or the prayers of the early missionaries. it must had been a beautiful moment to live to see that day come.

there was this ad that goes... "Txxxd tie, the tie for the day (this historical day)." it makes me feel like it was really a long awaited day. and eventhough the ppl might not have much money, they still might just use the little they have to buy a tie for this big occassion. and so i went on a guilt trip for treating the day as another public holiday but at least at the end i felt really thankful for this country and our forefathers.

anyway the brunch turned up really good. it is only about 1.30pm. i think it is enough for the day. over emotional day.

what took me so long to realise

what took me so long, to realise
that you no longer reply my comments
that you are not really going to have lunch with me
that you are not interested to make conversation with me

what took me so long to realise
that you are not showing me any signs at all you are befriending me
that you are just polite when you give me excuses you are not free
that you are not saying more than 'hi' and 'bye'

what took me so long to realise

i don't hate you for that because i'm sure you have your reasons to your doing
but i do question how did it get to this stage
but i do ask what did i do wrong to deserve this
but i do hope i know what i can do to make things better

though i know there are no answers to this how, what and why
sitting here the questions just come in a repeating cycle
sitting here the mind just keep fighting the thought
sitting here the tears just flow out

what took me so long to realise, that you are ignoring me.

---
it is half true you think less when you are busy. it is an extreme of both end, either you block your mind and drown your life with work or the quietness of the nights surface out those wounds that are still there and you will just burst out in tears without anyone triggering it

sometimes ppl don't need a reason to ignore you, so long as you are not my friend's friend. you are not my friend too. fullstop.

i think myself happy

i worked, i went out and i met loads of ppl.

i smiled, i laughed and i talked.

have you ever wonder what is behind this happy smiley person? did you ever notice those split seconds when they stone for a while and what ran through their mind at that moment? seriously do you think you will ever know what is really running through my mind? if not because i open up myself.

do you believe that all through high school ppl think that i'm problem free? that is how strong i'm able to potray myself. all you need to do is toughen up yourself and let no one knows what you are struggling with. every time you walk out of your door, just put a smile and keep yourself busy. good and bad. the good is ppl want to be like me, they want to learn how to live a confident life like mine. the bad is no one ever thinks that i need company or for that matter a shoulder to cry on.

i learned to be more honest with myself the last few years with how-i-feel and what-i-want or what-im-thinking. i thought ppl will like to know the real me. i thought if i let the world know there is a girl living inside me, ppl will treat me like a woman. i thought when we have nothing to hide, life will be easier. from my past few experiences it didn't exactly turn up pleasant. i come to learn that to live the truth, it is inconvenient.

i had not done it for a while, but it had not gone rusty. i was still able to pull it through. i think ppl actually believe. for a second, i myself almost believe too.

new life old shit

a month ago i took a break from blogging, you can call that fasting from blogging. once a while you just need to stop doin what you always do so that you know why you do what you do. i had already decided i want to focus on my own life. i was beginning to enjoy singlehood again and the company of friends around me. works had been coming in and everything looks good.

as of this morning, i wanted to wake up and brag about my new life. then shit happens, as they always do. always faster than i hope. as if happiness cannot meet the morning sun, they always go.

1. I HATE IT when i always share so much with ppl. i felt that there is a necessity to be transparent with my friends, for the sake of bonding or to liberate each other. again and again being betrayed. taking the courage to share again is no joke. still i had always choose to share.
2. I HATE IT when they do not ask my permission before speaking for me. as if they know everything about me. more so she didn't even tell me before or after.
3. I HATE IT even more when they misquote and misrepresent me. i always get this. a torn in my flesh.
4. I HATE IT after his friends does it, my friend needs to do the same stupid thing. AND I SWEAR IN MY LIFE never to be in between other ppl relationship.
5. I HATE IT having warned her not to say or do anything stupid, she did. promises don't mean a thing out there.
6. I HATE IT i was the one that brought the two of them together and then i became the excuse for them to meet.
7. I HATE IT that he called. it doesn't matter he is not friendly but he needs to come in between my other friendship.
8. I HATE IT he talked to 1001 unrelated ppl about this, and i never had the rights to speak for myself.
9. I HATE IT because he again and again destroys the little that i have.
10. I HATE IT he never once feel sorry about it. never once apologise for it. if there is such thing as kharma, in my previous life i must had owed him my life so now i'm repaying my debts.

suppose to start the new entry with new life, but you see shit happens everday. before you have the chance to celebrate the new friendship, something comes to destroy it. when you are about to see breakthrough, something is sure to happen. remember the movie pursuit of happyness. the car got clamped, machine got stolen, wife left, put in lock up, unpaid jobs, being used. but you know what, i ain't giving up. you throw me a staff i will use it to split the red sea. YOU CAN'T BREAK ME, SHOW ME WHAT ELSE YOU HAVE LITTLE DEVIL! one day you will regret and you will back off from me. don't mess up with the child of God.

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for those that had been faithfully clicking this blog, you know who you are. this is for you, i'm back. stronger than you think. :)