the end and the beginning

wake up this moment standing at the end of the chapter of this year
not sure if i had pushed myself to be the best
not sure if i had really make the most out of it
definitely sure grace had accompany me throughout

i wouldnt say it is the most eventful year
nor will i say it is any less eventful
nothing i say i cannot forget
yet a lot i know i will say one day i treasure dearly

i thank God for the friends i made
i thank God for those i did not
i thank God for those far away
i thank God for those next to me

i thank God for the conversation made
i thank God for the crazy things we do
i thank God for the people that shower me with love and smiles
i thank God for the cakes, chocs and coffee

i thank God for the noisy time we had,
and the quiet space we had
i thank God for striving through the busy schedule,
and the hardship we go through together

mistakes i make this year may i find more grace to not repeat it again
may He keeps me close to his heart, may i live with more passion
may i recognise the greatest that He has install for me, may i see the beauty all around me
may grace, love and hope bring me and you through the next chapter

i wrote

i picked up my pencil for the first time after many months
this journal which used to be my only outlet to keep my heart intact
Oh how i forgotten you
like i forget many things in my life

maybe i have not forget you
maybe im just fearful to write anymore
maybe i dont want to admit im lost
maybe i dont want to face the fact -- im far away from home.

God where are you?
and i dont mean you are hiding
God where are you?
i meant im lost
help me find my way back home

i cant remember when
i cant remember which direction i took
not too long because i cant seem to forget you
yet long enough, i dont seem to be able to trace my way back home

God where are you?
i seem to see you but i cant touch you
at times, like a dream
and i lost you again the next waking day

is the way back home that far?
will i ever find my way back?
honestly it's hard to believe the possibility
yet i believe, and i want to keep this hope

that one day, i'll be home again
one day, i'll be back in your embrace
one day
i only hope one day will not wait no more
and when one day come, i'll still recognise home when i find it
one day


---
i wrote the above after coming across what Vance Havner observed: "How long you've been a Christian tells you how long you've been on the road, but it doesn't tell you how far you've come."

you learn

"You Learn.

You Learn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.


And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.


After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth...

And you learn and learn...

With every good-bye you learn."

— Jorge Luis Borges

concept behind 'the big 3 zero'

All photos by: www.anna-rina.com

"I was also touched when Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour called to propose an article and photo shoot for the December issue of the magazine. It was gutsy of her to offer and counterintuitive for me to accept. In fact, the experience did wonders to my spirits. I wore a glorious burgundy velvet Oscar de la Renta creation for the cover shoot. For a day, I escaped into a world of makeups artists and haute couture. The Annie Leibovitz photographs were great giving me the chance to look good when I had been feeling so low."
Hillary Rodham Clinton words in her biography Living History after the scandal between Bill and Monica Lewinsky

it was anna who presented me the idea of doing this set of photos. she says "it is time to change new FB's profile photo". in case you dont know, i owe almost my entire life profile photo for FB, twitter, msn and whatever else will come our way to her. the last time we did a location shot like this was probably when i was 27. she was in the beginning of her photography career. and now she is a renown photographer. by doing this it reminds me of these two things:
1. seeing how much we had progressed after these 3 years give me great assurance and anticipation for the years ahead
2. she made me believe i still have it. there is a kind of beauty in each of us regardless of our age and a genuine smile trumps wrinkles :)

i attached the 2007 and the 2010 version of myself. if you take a look at the comparison. i haven't change much in my style, just some new clothes.

set1: the soft side



2007 of me. yah the nice straight hair and floral dress

books, not because i really read a lot. but i do enjoy reading. and i definitely read a lot more the last few years than the first two decades of my life. these are books that had influence and inspired me one way or another, these are books i don't mind reading over and over again. many of you who knows me also know that im quite an open book, this is how i like to live my life. im not embarrassed of my past and my struggles because i recognized im only human and i had stopped trying to be perfect. my weakness on a contrary effect had made me more approachable and helped me gain more deeper friendships. recent years i learn to practice the sabbath, where i intentionally choose not to work, but to read and journal, it keeps me sane. this simply show the soft side of me, the fragile and vulnerable side of me.


set2: the wild side



2007 of me. see the red dress! trying to be hot too :)

i do get one or two negative comments on how i dressed up recently. and it is easy to removed them, just trash those dresses away. but after much thought i concluded "no". i like hot. i love victoria beckham. i think hot is a trend, a kind of attitude. though it might give some guys wrong impression of what kind of girl i am, it's ok. im done dressing up to fit the mold of mass production sweet gentle pretty girls. because even if my dress can deceive them, they will find out very quickly im far from that. or maybe because it is a deep down struggle that im frequently being compared to my sister. i like to be styled differently from her. i want to be seen as a separate individual. also, i think there is a difference between hot and slutty. hot girls can be slutty. but slutty girls are not necessary hot. my aim, thus is to be hot, untouchable hot :) i think that is cool or at least for now it is unless i get tired of this style.


set3: chill


i do not have a 2007 photos for this set. i think... i dont know how to be totally real yet :)

coffee, work, apple and me… yes that is me being very comfortable with all my stuff and favorite toys. yes, dont be jealous, that is how my workspace normally looks like. as you can see from my photos, i lie down, i put up my legs, for the record i also eat chicken wings with my hands. that is me, ppl just need to embrace me as i am. at least im real. love me or hate me. your choice. we called that personal preference and i will not be offended by it. or i learn not to be anymore.

view more photos here.
---
i think these 3 sets of photos summarize me in a nutshell. my mum says, "why are your dresses either long long or short short". yah i don't like being in between. I'M MAKING A STATEMENT.

it is a beautiful day

Photo by: www.anna-rina.com

what do you do on your 30th birthday? i sit at starbucks by the glass window sipping my iced latte, seeing cars pass me by. Il dolce far niente, the italian phrase of "the joy of doing nothing" (from the movie eat pray love). i flip to the message psalm 30 that totally summed out my sentiments today. i read through those lines and let those words sink into me.

A David Psalm
I give you all the credit, God—
you got me out of that mess,
you didn't let my foes gloat.

God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm God's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain."
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.

I called out to you, God;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough.

---
then i begin to scribble my heart conditions and a prayer in my little journal.

"Because of You, O God i have the courage to face tomorrow and the years ahead. to learn on the hindsight that there are always light in the end of my tunnel. that heartbreaks, disappointments, betrayals, regrets, and those days that i do not want to wake up to this lousy world though inevitable will pass away; but only the refined me and sweet memories will remain. so i ask only of this O God, a constant assurance of your presence. a heart that will continuously beats with passion. faith big enough to dive in with you in the crazy, great adventure ahead. and finally wisdom to seize the day, manage the resources and opportunities that present themselves to me. cheers to a good year."

put down my pencil, close my journal… look up to the reflection of me on the mirror. *smile*

it's a beautiful day.

response

amid this chaos, i was sitting here trying to think how to respond to:
- forwarded news and photos of the burned premises
- prayer alert emails
- sms and emails rumours asking to remove religious articles fearing attack. (let's stop spreading rumours)

i started in the morning by praying. but i do not know exactly what to pray, so i just prayed in the spirit. then i stopped feeding my flesh to think. by night, i still do not know and was about to let it go; hoping when i open my eyes tomorrow all these will be gone.

i wasnt satisfied, i took out my journal and started penning down some thoughts. why is it when they said keep-your-christianity-low-profie-for-now i feel like answering them "im not afraid to call myself Christian". is it because of ego as if im not afraid to die? seriously if someone holds a knife at my throat to deny Christ, will i still say the same thing? why do so many people in this world die of martyrdom anyway? i mean God should understand that i was just trying to survive, it will be stupid to die for such a small thing. i mean they could for all you know bluff the persecutor, "yah im not a believer" and live. then spent the rest of his life serving God and saving more ppl. besides, this is always about me and God right? no... because it is never about how much i can do for God, it is about how much i really believe in this God. and that persecutor needs to hear seriously how true is this God to you.

so it is not about going around acting stupid saying "im a Christian, SO WHAT, kill me". i can tell you, you can surely die without the persecutor not feeling an inch of guilt. it is not ego or stubbornness. it is not about dying for the nametag Christian. it is about dying for a truth that i cannot deny my faith. martyr is always about these two things: One who chooses to suffer death rather than renounce religious principles and One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.

response:
1. today more than anything, is a wake up call for me to think that things like this -- churches set on fire -- will never happen in klang valley. it is a time to check my faith: am i afraid to go to church this sunday and deny all that i ever believe in? am i going to stop worshiping God? or am i going to keep doing what i have been doing for the last 12 over years?
2. should the church rise up to fight for our rights and damage? seriously no believer in the bible has ever done that. and it is not because we are weak or trying not to heat up the issue. it is because blessed are the meek, for they know better. show love.
3. it is easy at this time to stop looking at your Muslims friends so not to trigger any awkwardness. seriously that is exactly the plan of the evil one. to cause discomfort among races and religions. instead, at this very moment... i sit here and thank God that i can so freely call out one of my most passionate, best-est friend Anna Rina Rahim or call her b*tch for-all-i-want and she wont kill me for it. i can so crazily laugh with my most inspiring all rounded creative director of all time Sham Jallaludin or spell his damn long name wrongly for-all-i-know not fearing i upset him. how can i forget those crazy laughters i had with azni over lunch last week, one of the most capable nicest designer i ever know. so we just continue doing that, held on to the friendships we already have and stop thinking of the minority. soon the extremist will die down when the rest of the Muslims dont join them and the Christian are not responding to them. for what is not of God, will not last.

now my heart is at peace to sleep :)

lessons from the mountain - part2

'I remember a pivotal time early in my marriage. Steve and I were deep in the wilderness as Steve was going through his ninety-hour-a-week internship in Seattle. I was a believer, but an immature one, and I thought: What good does it do me to be married if my husband is never around? I also felt that if Steve really truly loved me he would find a way to beat the system. I expressed all these feelings to Steve.

Fortunately, Steve was godly enough to listen to me. Though my husband was young in his faith, the way he responded to me showed me Jesus. Steve came to me the next day and said he couldn't see a way to change his current situation as a medical intern. Before I could begin ranting and raving again, he said, "I love you and I care more about you and our marriage than my dream of being a surgeon. I am willing to give that up."

I was stunned as I thought about the sacrifice he was sincerely offering. Steve had already completed seven years of his training, but I knew he was speaking the truth because he, unlike me, is truly Christlike in the way of honesty. His willingness to sacrifice for me inspired me to sacrifice for him. I wept and I told him I loved him too, and that I would support him, and that we would make it through that year, and that we would make it through that year, and that he wouldn't hear any talk of ending our marriage ever again.' ~ Falling in love with Jesus

i wept right there. i concluded: women dont need things, maybe not even time and change; actually all they need is this little word called 'assurance'. but the sad truth is she dont normally know that. and we say things like "you are not meeting my needs?" honestly if you ask "What do you want?", we normally cant even give an answer to that.

but you know what is sadder. the truth untold: that many, many men out there toiled and work and get all kind of shit in the office just for their family. but not explained, not emphasized enough.

a guy asked me this the other day "how much assurance do a girl need?"
to which i briefly answered "everyday... (paused for a while) every minute"
he sighed "wah, quite difficult"

i know. and as a woman i wish it is not as difficult as well. i loathe myself for not belonging to the category of i-know-who-i-am-and-i-dont-need-a-man or i-know-God-loves-me-and-that-is-enough kind of women. but unfortunately im not, not strong enough for the former and not there yet for the latter. one more bad news, i happen to fall under the category of the majority.

just think about it, the fall of the whole creation was on her. she passed adam the fruit. do you know how much "it is ok, i still love you" she needs. honestly, she is having a hard time believing that God can love her. what makes it easier for you? but as you frequently remind her, just like you would for your daughter-to-come. one day, one day she will know.

may we all one day come to the full knowledge of God's love for us. meantime sorry, if we put too much expectations on you guys. we actually thought that it is more attainable to feel your love since you have a benefit of a mouth to express and arms to embrace. looks like it is as hard to figure out. i guess love can only be realised in the knowing.

one day... we will all know.

---
just came back from 500 days of summer. i genuinely feel for him. the world will become a better place if we talk a little more.

lessons from the mountain - part 1

"The definition of romance is not limited to a guy and a girl. Though that's part of it, romance is so much bigger than just a love story. Romance has to do with making things lovely because of love. Romance means absorbing the beauty of life: conversation, atmosphere, places and surroundings. It means increasing our awareness of the fragrance of pine trees, freshly ground coffee, and sheets drying on the line; hearing the music of waves, children's laughter, and the rain drumming on the roof; seeing the signature of God on His creation. It means drinking the gift of life to the dregs. All to be enjoyed, all to be taken in...

My heart yearns for poetic phrases, perfect snowballs, and beautiful ballads. My heart was made for romance."


it is almost ironic that i spent the last few days on the same mountain of the last entry. as if the backdrop was set for this story to continue. it is just a two nights thing, i should be able to fit everything into my backpack, but i just cant seem to zip it. so i went up to my sis' room to grab a bigger bag to which i found this book. i think it is divine "Falling in love with Jesus – Abandoning yourself to the greatest romance of your life" by dee brestin n kathy troccolli. i immediately know i have to bring it. in the middle of the book was a note by the person who gave my sis the book. it was dated 2002, i cannot help but feel that He secretly arranged this. with a smile on my face, i stuff it into my bag.

i love "romance". Books, movies, stories, the idea of it. i love it when ppl leave notes for me, write letters and sms me unexpected messages that remind me that im special. i love journaling by the beach and reasoning with Him underneath the stars. but a few years back, i learned that the expectation of romance is an offense. that romance is just a fairytale thing, it is expensive and undoable, impossible to the time we are currently living. i remember i once try defending this word "romance" but fail in my attempt, thanks to my lack of vocab. but i remember saying to the extend of "no, im not saying i want flowers and gifts".

as you can read from the excerpts on top, i had already fallen in love with the book on the first few pages. because the opening pages free me from this guilt - the desire of wanting to live a romantic life. And seriously, contrary to expensive i realise that most of the romantic thing we can do are mostly free. im also intrigued to learn that i dont mind having a romantic break all by myself.

"i can do this forever: living on top of e mountain, all curled up next to the fire place with a latte n a book. life was a bliss the last 3 days" my recent tweet

so ya, here is me unapologetically back. criteria in a man: charming, romantic and with depth. i guess what i mean is, i dont need a rich man. just one that is willing to take the plunge with me to enjoy the rhythm of the earth and everything on it. breakfast on bed, sun shining in, with white sheets sounds really pretty :)

---
was rereading some of my past entries about romance. still pretty interesting :)

that piece of paper

"However something about these engraved pieces of paper can destroy a marriage or cause men and women to sacrifice leisure time with family and friends, and even health, to get more of them. This innocent paper you're holding has driven young men in the inner city to entice their friends to take killer drugs. It has corrupted the justice of men who started out to give their lives upholding the law. The lust for money has led adults to do the unspeakable things to children, to make millions in the kiddie-porn trade. The desire for wealth has even caused wars. Somehow money has the terrible ability to gain control of a person's soul. The power of money can bring life or death."

excerpts from Daring to live on the edge by loren cunningham

---
suddenly reread this, worth a moment of pondering.

favourite question

what is God's will for my life?

wrong question: the question should not be what is God's will for my life? it should be what is God's will (full stop). we need to stop thinking the world rotate around us.

"Our father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your WILL* be done on earth as it is in heaven"

(*emphasized by me)

---
seriously that is liberating. to stop looking out for what i should do or should not do but simply join Him in what He's doing. i ought to know this, somehow it is like a breath of new air.

i want more emo

seriously, im not sure if grey's has lost its punch or i am just not enjoying the bit that everyone is just having a happy relationship. there is no-more-guessing-game, no-more-misunderstanding, no-more-crying. everyone found their loved ones, happily in love, everyone seems to be supportive and understanding. call me depressing, but i like watching depressing tv series. i am suppose to finish watching it with a bucket of tears. i am suppose to feel what i am going through is common since it is in their script. i am suppose to feel so much better after watching it because my life dont suck that badly.

it is an ironic feeling. season5, gave me all the ending that i desired - meredith and mcdreamy after all the drama finally come back together. but i dont an inch feel happy or loved seeing them together. it is frustrating isnt it, im not suppose to feel like that. what is it? do i already not believe in happy ending?

a series of unfortunate events

1. one of those weekend, i had loads of work to do. so i thought working at starbucks will be a good idea. at least the coffee and not working next to a bed will be helpful. there i go, didnt mind a bit going all the way to a further starbucks because i prefer to work in a more quiet place. happily i bought my iced latte... chose my table near a sit with a plug, changing table making sure it is balance. taking out my laptop... "oh no, i forgotten my mouse and wacom. it is ok. forget all about completing my work. change of plans, i should at least do some research for my project." to find out that i actually forgotten my charger too and so happen my battery was running low. right, i left that place in a short half an hour. went home, guess what i saw my bed and i slept. there goes the sunday i was trying to be efficient.

2. apple invention is really smart. i always believe so. to avoid ppl tripping over my charger wire and dragging my laptop along they had created this magnetic part to my battery wire. i find that really convenient, so most of the time instead of removing the plug head, i removed this magnetic side. because of this convenience, it had coz me many times to forget my charger. despite leaving and having to rush back to this destination to collect it back, im more than thankful to complain. at least i do not need to buy another charger which will probably cost me more than the petrol and time needed.

that day, i was rushing home after class to reply an email and a rush job for my client. i was glad my class finished early. about 5ish just before the the jam hit the area. once i stepped home, i quickly unpacked my laptop and mouse. i reached inside to my bag... "gosh where is my charger." i panicked. "oh no, where is my charger? i must have left it in my college library." i quickly rushed back to my car, rushed back to college, rushed back to the library, not to find anything. i called home to ask my mum to check, she said "your white plug... isnt it on your table next to your laptop." i was speechless. i unpacked so fast, i actually already taken it out. but i dont remember doing it at all. all i did was panicked and search the bag all over again twice. i didnt even bother to look around though it was all within my view. i felt so stupid because by that time i left college the second time, i was trapped in a jam of the peak hour and it was too late to catch my client.

3. it is submission day the next day, so i worked thru the night till probably 4ish in the morning. someone sms me in the morning about 9. i was pleased to reply her, in fact thankful she smsed if not i will be way too late for my class. so i jumped off my bed. packed my things and left for college. it is a 9.30am replacement class. "why is it, i dont see anyone around?" tried to reach out for my phone to call my other classmates but i cant find it in my bag. must be i forgotten my phone in that rush. still no one appears. so i went to the office to look for my lecturer. he said "the class is in the afternoon, not morning." the intended replacement was morning but everyone cant make it so the change of date and time, yes i actually remembered after that i was informed but i mixed it up. im sleepy, i could have sleep a few more hours. but it is ok, i will not go home. i will go to buckie to troubleshoot my flash project. when i payed for my latte, i found my hp. it was there afterall.

4. i keep reminding the new girl in the office, "dont forget to do it in the new size yah" (our magazine have just change their measurements, so we need to redo all the pages template). everything went really well. i was careful to duplicate all the template to the latest size. a day after that i found out that i had done my cover in the wrong size. im so sorry... they redo it because i was in class. they were very forgiving and merciful. they kinda just informed me, didnt even raise a voice.

5. i was a bit late for class so i ended up parking at a spot i normally refuse to park, knowing that this spot is the favourite double parking spot. but u see im late, beggar cant be chooser, right? so i just parked. of course im right, i've got double parked. but what i do not expect is the double parking is so massive that not one but three cars double parked me. so i honked and i waited. no one come. i walked around these three cars and i found out, one kind soul who is probably a student like jelly-used-to-be-and-does wrote "sorry, i have to double park your car. call me at 017 XXX XXX". at this point, i remembered... i left my phone at home. this time for real.

then i went to curve to do some stuff, it was about 6pm so the jam already hit the area. i wanted to go to sunway so i took the bangsar route towards NPE. im not exactly sure how to get to NPE from bangsar but how hard can it get right? but just to be sure, i will make a call to my friend. just right at this point... all three friends i called decided not to pick up. so i passed bangsar, passed maybank... thinking of doing the u-turn when this one particular person that picked up do not exactly know how to lead me from that side, insisting i should go back to towards the mosque side... so i ended up towards the museum... but lucky i saw the damansara sign i turned back to jalan duta. oh no... i've got myself in another heavier jam than nkve. later ppl start calling me back to tell me i was right, i should have make that u-turn. so the smart me... when all the way past damansara, and bangsar again... and maybank, and u-turn and all the rest till i finally reached sunway. the total time is about the same as if i've taken nkve straight in the first place.

---
am i unlucky? nope, in fact i was very grateful out of most of the incidents. am i complaining and cursing it is a spiritual attack. nah, i dont think the devil is free for me. so why am i listing all these things down. because it suddenly dawn on me these sleeping late, coffee and rush rush is not really helping me. all of a sudden, it reminds me of those ppl that doesnt have a sense of urgency. i used to be very agitated by them. "how can they still move so slowly when they are late." now i think of them wise. the last few days, despite the rush... i packed my bag very slowly and carefully. i told myself going back to get things doesnt help me save time. on a highsight, i think i have master all this nonsense. im not even upset about it anymore. nevertheless, i intend to end this shit. yes, anna... trust me, less coffee... sleep early. dont start getting clumsy like me :)

DISCLAIMER: my life is not that bad, im just compiling my clumsiness. the rest of the hours was fun, like the weddings, the birthdays, even the bit about baby sitting the twins while my mum is away. and yes, i actually enjoyed my assignments, got to know a few fun ppl the last week, and found the soft yogurt ice cream i discovered in spore. life has it fair share of sweet and sour.

stages of life

Moses spent forty years thinking he was somebody.

He spent the next forty years learning he was nobody.

He spent the last forty years discovering what God can do with a nobody.


D.L. Moody


---
i thought i knew it all. i thought i know how to love God, master my work and figure this thing call relationship. the funny thing about it, the more i learn, then more i realise how much i do not know. today im in a position of weakness, not trying to be humble. almost embarrass to say this but seriously... i cant get anything right in my life.

new year resolution

i dont normally have a habit of setting resolutions. but i come to realise i fail to achieve much the last few years. so here is just a random list-of-things-i-want-to-attain this year.

1. reactivate the phone line with God. do devotion daily and start journaling once more
2. copy notes during church service again
3. start reading again. would like to begin with completing odyssey and tale of two cities from last year
4. run twice a week (after i buy my shoes)
5. go for at least one beach and another city holiday
6. watch more movies
7. do better in college
8. work harder, earn more money
9. save my targeted amount
10. stay carefree

---
several of my spa beauticians told me the last few days that i have high tolerance for pain. maybe because to me, physical pain is always more bearable than emotional pain. at least that was how i comfort myself the other day when i had a very bad stomach ache due to diarrhoea. it was so painful, the worst i ever felt, i started tearing and curling up myself. amidst that i had a conversation with HIM:
cy: God this is the most terrible pain i ever had... can u take it away.
GOD: you mean more painful than heartache?
cy: ohhh yahh... no, that is worst. suddenly i think this is more bearable. put me to sleep and make me well after i wake up, i've got loads of work to finish up. (i took some pills, doss off and really woke up well)

jealousy

it really depends how much i like you. or maybe how much i think i have you. unless of course im super certain that you are all mine, the insecurity part of me always struggle with this little thing called jealousy. i might not do anything about it, i might not even tell you i feel that because seriously i dont really like that part of me. still this is something i have been trying to work through all these years but mostly fall flat on. of course there are a ransom one or two relationships that i dont feel like that, but on most of those occasions that guy normally took over that role. meaning that he would be rather possessive and jealousy would be his middle name. selfishly, i prefer that. at least i feel that the poison is not in me.

recently, as most of you know im not in a relationship. and so why should this issue bother me at all? it disturbs me, because i kinda get jealous over guys that doesnt even belong to me in the first place. of course it didnt affect me a lot because i dont even know who i like exactly. but the the next thing troubles me even more when i start to realise that i get busy even about what other girlfriends think about me. i really believe that these girls are a lot cooler than that, but some part of me think that their glare says something, that them intercepting into those conversations mean something more than just coincidence, that their girls after all and every girl gets jealous somewhat. not wanting any girl to even start feeling uncomfortable with me. most of the time i just try not to talk to much to those guys.

i seriously think that there is this little voice that always put crazy thoughts like this into me. so nowadays, i try not to entertain those thoughts. i start reminding myself not to think so much, and that favourite phrase works pretty well "if it is mine, it will be mine". probably i dun even want to start any relationship until i totally overcome this sickening trade, but will i ever? i hope so. i hope one day love will help me break free. this probably sums up how i look at potential candidate for now though. refusing to think or excite myself too much... if it is mine, it is mine. so i chant.

selfish indulgence

my jacket went europe without me. yes, she took the flight *jealous*. well at least she brought this back for me. :)



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just found out yesterday that some ppl actually consider traveling as a selfish indulgence. i have to say, i havent learn about traveling until i went to singapore. most young adult singaporean go for at least one holiday a year. never thought that i will use my hard earn money on any of these trips. but seriously it is getting a bit addictive; after every country you go, you feel like you can conquer a far greater one next round. it keeps you excited and gives you a reason to work. i dont shop a lot so i guess i deserve some pampering for my hard work. incidentally, im one darn singaporean... so maybe it just runs in the blood.

intimidated by the young

ppl say if u hang around with younger ppl you will feel younger. im not sure about that, but i dont have much of a choice. now in college and party, im almost surrounded with friends that are younger than me. but what the heck, i try to enjoy myself and put that aside. i reminded myself not to think too much because it just so often screw up my day and eventually my life. and you know what, they are really kinda fun. somehow life is so simple for them, unhurt, undamaged.

im kinda stress in class. students and lecturers have expectations from me. i repeatedly tell myself, "i just need to finish my work. i dont need to prove to anyone anything, im not here to be a top scorer." up to date i still refuse to use my money to bind any of my project submission, unashamedly i stapled them. using more money instead to buy my latte haha. i choose to believe that good work has nothing to do with all this outlook. yet i found myself staying awake to finish my assignments till wee hours of the morning. one night, i even found myself reprinting my work all over again and redoing the whole mock up. in the middle of that, i felt so stupid. "what a waste of time and ink". i hate it when the perfectionist part of me take over. the second mock up look worst than the first, but i wasnt ready to give more attention to that piece of work. so i just went to bed.

i used to believe whatever we do, do our best as to glorify God. i am not denying that but beginning to question if my motivation was that all this while. i realised that so often i want to do the best because i am just another insecure bitch. especially now in college, im not even there to score... the cert no longer matters to me. i need to keep my focus right, push myself to learn the most not work the hardest. except for that bit im enjoying class, learning a lot of new things, falling in love with design all over again. 

spring cleaning

i dont understand. i spent the whole weekend trying to trash as many things from my cupboards. i trashed 5 loads full of films which i do not need to keep anymore, inspirational pieces i collect that are not even consider cool anymore, works from college was a tough one since i refuse to part with them remembering the many hours i put on it (i still kept a few pieces especially my marker drawing, love them! i actually cant believe i coloured them), body and facial products which i forgotten to use and i cant find the expiry date so i threw all of them.

after all the hardwork, so much of separation with the past. all i get is a small drawer emptied. seriously.... how did i fit so much trash in my cupboard previously. when im free the next few days i will look into my bookshelf and wardrobe. im determine to make more room in the cupboard for my new books collection and to hide things that i tend to leave around nowadays. i used to have a really tidy room, wonder from whom did i pick up such a bad habit.

one once said, the condition of your room reflects the condition of your heart. im trying to fix that.
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dad: why the sudden spring cleaning?
cy: yahh coz looks like im staying here for another 10 years.
dad: another 10 years means you are going to stay with me till old already. u dont think 10 years later anyone still wants you right.
cy: yah by then i will settle for the 70 years old rich uncle my cousin recommended that own an island in australia.

the omniscient one

i was pondering how to keep up to my savings plan and do all the things i want to do. then there were hiccups in my income with one of my client. but before i can pray about it (or maybe i did but i obviously had not put much though into it), it resolved. i have new client calling me which will keep me going for one or two months. so that took the worry off my head since i have more time to look out for new client.

i was thinking a little maybe i should go find back some clients that do something more funky like my previous ishmag. so that got me quite excited but before i know it my earlier client arrange back another package for me which comes back to the same figure. so i kinda have some bonus financially in the end. that's not it what they repackaged for me includes some other work which allows me to have some fun. the last few nights, i was just working on those artworks and it brought back all those sweet memories -- flipping books for inspiration, trying out colours and being mess-ly creative.

one thing i cant help but think about the whole week is i dont feel like im working on my own. you know normally a person that work on their own have to find their own client, fight for their own time and keep a balance of what they like to do and finance. i consider myself lucky that i taste a little of that in my first year but thereafter had been smooth sailing.

i can understand how many boast about how God provides, i can identify with that. but seriously im overwhelmed when i see HIM moves around my clients' plans to fulfill this area call passion for me. yes, maybe after i tell HIM about it but remember i havent even start praying. i cannot get how HE can be so quick to change things when i just start to think about it. i havent even put much thought into it. it was as if the conception of that thoughts was also given by HIM.

that must be it, so that today i can just sit here in awe of HIM all over again. do you think God had been speaking to me a lot recently? i think so too. for the record, im not less sinful now compare to yesterday. have to be grace and mercy.

im an optimist

i remembered it was raining that day. i didnt bring my umbrella, it was raining cats and dogs so i stood at the corridor of the school for a while. i actually think that my school bus driver will bother to calculate and make sure all the students are in that bus before he drives of. unfortunately he doesnt care. to my despair, i saw the bus passed by me as i ran out from the gate. closed enough for some kids in the bus to wave goodbye to me. what are they thinking? im supposed to be in the bus. i was about 8 years old i think.

forgive me, but i do not know how to go home. i must be playing all the time on the journey to school, i forgotten to see which direction my bus take everyday. i was soaking wet though i was wearing two layers including my pinafore. im drenched to the socks. i believed the books in my bag were not spared too. at such moment what will one do? maybe not what everyone will do, but i did what i always will do. i walked to the bus stop opposite the road where my school bus pick me up everyday. why did i do that? i reasoned that when he found out that im missing and comes back to get me that might be the only place he will find me. the evening was giving in to the night, obviously he did not come back for me. i always blame those stupid boys who waved and not tell the bus driver im left behind.

after long wasted time, i did what most ppl would had done in the first place. i went and look for a public phone to call my parents. i went around the boys school which is where my bus stop and found none or none working, i cannot remember which. so i decided to walked to a mall nearby. which is scary for my age because there were loads of adults and strangers which i were always warned since young they might kidnapped me. i looked high and low for a phone but i could not find one. found one after much walking, just to prove a point to me that malaysia public phone doesnt work since 1988. i was lost, and i didnt know what to do. trust me i was making my way back to the bus stop if not because a kind samaritan saw me crying and drenched send me to a police station. my mum freaked out at first wondering what crime i committed that had me landed in a police station. she laughed it out later to think that im so silly to cry over that. few years later, she walked me to school everyday to make sure i know my way home.

im actually surprise i remember all these things so vividly. in fact, i can recount so many other occasions that i will do the same even after i grew up. when im lost i will always walk back to the place we first gathered. when i cant contact the person im suppose to meet. i will stand at the same place for hours if need be because i dont want to walk away just in case at that moment that person come and find me. steph can testify to that (read: drama of the day) during our japan trip. what she doesnt know is, i felt really lost and scared like i was. i dont remember it then, but i knew i had similar feelings before. i was walking around with loads of 'maybe' or 'what-should-i-do' all the way. the only different this time is i know the way back to the hotel.

i do not know why suddenly this two incidents come to mind tonight. but i was just thinking, i had not progress much in my life the last few years. maybe, i was waiting for someone or maybe i was just lost and i dont want to walk around. whichever it is, i just did what i always do, i waited refusing to go anywhere. no doubt with many questions in my mind and the whole time was agonising and aimless.

i sat long enough plus many years had proven that waiting at the same place doesnt help me find what i want. basically i think time is up, im going for a walk. do i know where? not necessary but im going for a walk.

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yes, im an optimist to think that ppl will realise im missing. will speak the same language as me and go back to where we first meet. im an optimist to think that ppl will find their way to me. i know i waste loads of time and many think that im fool. i could not agree more. but im not sure if i will ever change, i only hope that one day i will have a different ending :)