snapshot

after comparing, from anna's blog the same photo that we uploaded did i realised that there must be a way to fix the problem of those jagged photos. i look up the bloggers forum and found out how to do so. quite a bit of work since i need to change all the link manually but i am happy to see my holiday photos nicer. just to do me justice. i shoot better photos than what this blog used to preview previously :)

happy.

day 1

when the clock strike 12 last night i was glad i had ppl to countdown with me. though it was a last minute thing and he was a bit disappointed when he found out i called and joined him only because my next session were delayed (the two 'chris'-es were still at their respective parties... partly my fault hahaha). yah still it was nice to have someone there. no doubt i was trying to sent myself a message that i have 3 places to go "im not alone, im not".

slept at 4plus and was woken up at 8.30 for breakfast. wasn't how i imagine i would start my new year. still doing breakfast is a good start i believe then just going right for brunch all the time.

so 2008 has come but i still have some things i wished i had cleared up the day before. so i wasn't feeling good the whole day.
1. my last year client. he smsed me to have lunch outside office tomorrow which i sense that he is giving me some really really bad scary news. though justin was saying maybe he is just up to no good. i dont know which is worst. because of this i think i exploded on my designer cause i didn't really want to think about it, today is a public holiday.
2. unsaid words. clear some air... which i believe we had been making really good progress. but i went to bed last night wishing i had cleared all of it. how do you tell someone you really care and love them without letting him think you are into him? many ppl i know believe in this theory, if you dont care you dont need to explain. just let him think whatever he thinks. but i cant, i cant have someone scream at me and walk away just like that. gosh if i can climb back out from my coffin and say my last word... i will do so. the scary part about me... i might climb out of the coffin a few times because i really have a lot of last words. i cannot be misunderstood for my intentions. i think i have an obsession of getting words out of my chest which i really need wisdom to accompany that. we used to be really good friends. i think we got very suspicious of each other intention and we get very reactive to each other words. im going for good fix not quick fix.
"As doctors, patients are always telling us how they'd do our jobs. Just stitch me up, slap a band-aid on it and send me home. It’s easy to suggest a quick solution, when you don’t know much about the problem or you don’t understand the underlying cause or just how deep the wound is. The first step toward a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with. But that’s not what people want to hear... We're supposed to forget the past that led us here, ignore the future complications that might arise and go for the quick fix." grey's

"So what makes anger different from the six other deadly sins? It's pretty simple really. You give in to a sin like envy or pride, and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and you'll only hurt yourself and one or two others. But anger is the worst... the mother of all sins... Not only can anger drive you over the edge, when it does, you can take an awful lot of people with you." grey's

this is really going to be an exciting year. since i already feel so tense day1. still im trying not to work. watching grey's. or maybe im releasing tension.

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2 new year's resolutions:
1. save money -- i started off by jotting down how much i spent today
2. start counting sheeps (dont snap... mix fm says... start counting sheeps) –– which i added to my resolution list today, after a series of shouting at my designer and my dad the whole day. really a good way to kick off. but who cares ppl say resolution is not how long you can sustain it through the year but if you are keeping to it on 31st dec. so i still have a lot of chances to try.

the power of words

try reading this:
you are not very understanding, oh my gosh... i don't believe you dont know this, what??? stop bugging me, no wonder no one wants you, you are unrealiable

compare to this:
you are looking good, nice shoes, good work, you look hot, thanks for the pressie i like it a lot, you had been a great help, nice profile photo, you are the bomb

after church service today, i told myself ps paul ang is right. i must close my year right before i step into the next. i do not need extra baggages.

im a person that doesnt really care about what the crowds think of me. i care very much though about how my friends think of me. it can be just a passing comment, an expression or gesture but i am able to pick it up and quickly interpret it. ignoring the fact that some ppl just talk this way, i take it quite personal. i feel rejected, hurt, not pretty enough, not good enough and a series of things will run through my mind –– what i shouldnt have say or do. and yes most of the time i feel that i was better off not doing anything. less communication, less miscommunication (sorry this is not really true, but i perceive then). it just goes on and on till i get so fed up and i will just go to bed trying to shut those noises and believe me it helps.

i can accept honesty and constructive comments if im close enough to this person. but i cannot accept bluntness and sarcatism. those words make me really stupid and dumb. that was how i slide to my last depression when i began to compare myself with ppl around me. i wouldnt want to allow myself to get there again because it was tough to believe im good for anything then. two sides of the coin, i had learned not to take things to personal but i had also learn to built walls to protect myself (which is not exactly good). well we have to accept the fact that in this world some ppl just make you and some ppl just tear you.

"remember, it's not something wrong with you... most of the time it is something wrong with them. so dont be too affected" ps paul ang.

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in the new year ahead, i want to complain less, praise ppl more and make their days. i want to be a builder. i hope that i will learn to be more sensitive instead of more cynical as well. im 28 still single, am in a highly sensitive and fragile category and it will be great if you can learn to be nice to me :). as for my side i choose to believe.... im still looking good, doing fairly well in my job and having a time of my life.

i confess im finally feeling stress

1. one of my client which i believe doesnt exactly know what she wants just made me redo all her 14 pages. on top of that i have new pages for her.
2. my other client do not have images attach to all his text. the worst bit is he claimed he finished giving me all his text. i guessed he passed the buck to me.
3. one of the pages just disappeared and i have to redo the 3 pages, i suspect i accidentally trash it. and you hate yourself for making stupif mistake like this. then in everyway you wish that you have this.
4. my external harddisk fell and it stopped functioning immediately. i have stuff inside which i need to finish tonight. but at least i tranferred the bulk of it to my laptop yesterday.
5. im not going to have sleep tonight i suppose. i mean, if i can finish all my work even without sleep that would be a consolation.

---
it is a terrible way to start off the week. and i feel like standing on top of the mountain to screammm... but a lesson i learn yesterday when i went to purelife home with some of my church friends. i just need to walk one step at time, like this kids who doesnt even know which college is open to them.

i went with fullness of self, to see them made me realised how empty i am. they were a whole bunch of kids with emptiness but to have some ppl visit them brought them fullness of joy.

roadblocks

i was super curious. why would they have roadblocks at 12pm. isnt that a bit a early for the drunkards to start heading home. and why would they block drivers who havent even head to town. bear with me. there are 2 roadblocks on federal highway to kl. closing 4 lanes to 1, it is not funny. my cousin sister added, even the chinese policemen are working. this is something big. murder? illegal immigrant? hmmm...

this explains the road block.

workaholic

noun
one who has a compulsive and unrelenting need to work.

actually. i don't really understand that word. i always claim that im not because i don't love work. i love my life more. it is more like if im force to do a job then i love my freelance design job. but if given a choice, i rather watch dvds (having said that i had not do my grey's and prison break3, sleep, journal and read.

but im just thinking maybe the urge and the compulsion to finish my work. if that sense of responsibility is it, then i am. that qualifies me in the category of workaholic. usually i am but now im not only that but im overworked.

signs im officially overwork:
1. i dont even have 4 hours of sleep some days. i wake up at 5am almost everyday regardless of what time i sleep
2. my whole extended family wanted to celebrate my birthday for me. so they all left me to finish my work and gathered at mid valley to shop first. that is definitely not a brilliant idea because i was dealing with my printer till pass 2pm so they all end up having a party without the birthday girl. i felt terrible and bought all of them lunch the next day.
3. i rush out of my house everyday
4. i go to at least two to three offices a day
5. i skip lunch and dinner like nobody business, given the time i rather sleep
6. i feel like im drunk when i drive (floating). i can't even think which junction to take, yes even familiar roads. so now i practice thinking aloud. and... i kiss the car in front of me. really slowly... my car rolled and touched her car. the fanatic woman came out and screamed at me behind my window. yes before even looking at her own car. but anyway it was so soft, no damage done to both our cars. but i guess that is a warning!
7. i still receive calls for job and im finally learn to decline. i can't handle any more
8. i start to feel like i dont want to work anymore. im not enjoying my design work like i did few months ago
9. i took forever to upload my japan photos
10. im left my master keys at the door and when to bed

---
despite all that, everday i never fail:
1. to drink a cup of starbucks latte
2. join my different colleagues for meals
3. to leave my house with foundation to cover my dark circles
4. to laugh and talk to ppl
5. to eat my chocolate, cruchie (and yes even vitamin B complex cannot help me stop mouth ulser)

call me crazy but thus far at least ppl still like me, that's probably the very reason im still in it

living in a mess

why ppl can't find my house and i wish this will be over soon...


this is the kind of mess i live with...


and this...


and this...


and can you imagine, this bunch of stuff was previously inside my house? so much so i wanted to give anna a call...


(photo previously taken by anna)
"don't need to go kl, that same mess is in my house now"


you would have notice, my door lying outside the house. so where is my door? for the last 1 month or so, i had been climbing into my house through this window. yes imagine, with my heels. laptop bag on my left and hand carry on the right... i look like i was doing circus.


then it got better. i have a sliding door.


this is how it works... my little sister will demo for you. now everyone can come in. the chinese saying goes "the most dangerous place is the safest place" i think it is true.


not to mention my parents bunked in my room for a few weeks because the reno affected their bedroom. i offered them my bed and put up a mattress on the floor. but behold they were territorious. they saw i slept so comfortably on the floor, they took my mattress too. so i was roomless. i went begging for a place to lie my head every night. working midnight depends on the sleeping hour of my tenant. finally i have my room back. i realised it has become a really dangerous place. the morning sun no longer wakes me up. at 11.30am it is still pitch-dark. yahh... because they decided to built another room behind mine.


and expecially now. the scenery is pretty horrible because all the stuff in the living room is in here.

i really can't wait for this whole thing to be over. hopefully when i come back one week later, it will be.

---
ppl hate renovation but when it is over they will enjoy it. ppl hate the jam during road extension, but when it is over that road will be smoother. short term suffering for long term good.

time

when i used to work like a dog, i was desperate for time.
when i was serving in church like no body business, meetings after meetings i thought all i needed was a bit more time.

i thought maybe my devotional will be better if i have more time.
maybe i will be more happy and organise if i have more time.

but now that i have all the time in the world.
i have all the sleep i needed
i met all the friends i needed
i watched all the series i wanted
i don't know what else to do.

my devotional didn't get better
my life is not more organise.
i forgotten why i was fighting for time again.

meaningless, meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

---
finished my work last night and sent it all to the client so that she can read it this morning.

wait for her in the office till 12 noon, still no sign of her call.

can't get her. call again. can't get her. call again.
wait for her to till 3pm, changes need to be made.

can't get her. call again. can't get her. call again.
wait for her till 5pm, she will come back to me to comfirm.
printed all the pages that i can print first.

can't get her. call again. can't get her. call again.
wait for her till 6pm, colleague said she left already.

can't get her. call again. can't get her. call again.
wait for her till 7pm, all work comfirmed.

i thought finally. press print. printer error.
didn't know i was sharing my colleague printer just now. he just left so there goes my next problem.

tried fixing my setup. doesn't work.
tried installing printer again. doesn't work.
tried searching all over the net. doesn't work.
tried reading the printer manual. doesn't work.
tried looking around the printer to see how else i can connect. doesn't work.
tried using usb. doesn't work.
tried praying. doesn't work.
tried sitting down and think what else i can do. doesn't work.

wait till 9pm, my boss is back from his meeting.
wait for the printer to print till 10.30pm, done.

meaningless, meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

trying to live a life

© All rights reserved. photograph by jon ng.

my whole body aching from my first attempt back to the gym after a month off.

slept at 7.47am.

finally woke at 10am after i pressed snooze 3 times on my alarm.

need to find a place with internet connection because the one at home is down, now i know how handicap i am without two days of internet.

taking quite a while to leave the house. the two cuteness are here.

starbucks might help keep me awake. trying to download stuff from the ftp site. it is taking ages, very slow connection.

need to hurry for lunch with yili.

maybe i need to get another place later to finish up my work.

philosophy class tonight.

and if jelly is not tired we can start prison break tonight. what, another series? hopefully i don't get another hoh-hah from the parents now that i am doing it with the younger son :)

---
anyway did i say if jelly is tired? hmm maybe i'll be more tired than him.

kena aeroplane face

my cousin bro ffk me. whatever, so i am open for booking again tonight :)

life is tough/funny

1. it is 4.31pm now and i am having my first bite of solid food today.
i had only took one hour of nap last night.
it is going to be a long night tonight before i can rest my head on my pillow.

2. michelle proctor is suppose to meet in the afternoon to help me proof read the work but she said she can't make it this morning. why?

michelle: some student from my country has committed suicide. so i reckon i will be tied up the whole day...
cy: oh so what are you going to do?
michelle: today - i hv to go with other senior studenst to buy a coffin. put the guy in it (hahahah... sorry i cannot stop laughing when i read the second line). and at 2 pm he is going to klia to fly off with the 9pm flight.
cy: ok then.. don't worry about the proofreading. i can get someone else to do it. (i just want someone to do proofreading, what just happened?)

3. for DBD t shirt
we are printing = 400
t shirt for cast and crews = 160
t shirts for ushers = 195
t shirts for marshalls = 8
total left for sales = 37

cy: we are only selling 37 t shirts?
*speechless*: of left 37... then print 50 more.
cy: so we are only selling 87? meaning:

6000 ppl coming for the show divide by 87 t shirts = every 68 ppl that pass by the counter only 1 can buy

?
*speechless*: ya we want them to fight for it

PLAN A
i should order the size of only XXL and XS because they are either so big that they managed to push through to the counter or very small that they manage to squeeze thru.

PLAN B
i can print more and sell it at the 'black market' at the staircase area. business opportunity :)

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ok i am talking rubbish. i am very sleepy. i should get back to work now.

speaking in their own language

1. lemme know by tonight. i'm going there cos i got class at 6.45pm.
(the class is on the next day 6.45pm)

2. cy: can you fetch me?
answer: at home
(he is at home it is not convenient)

3. ru driving?
(he meant he wants to use the car)
cy: yes, why?
what time will you be back?
cy: not sure why?
i want to use the car

why do ppl speak in their own language and assume other to understand what they mean. they make me feel really stupid when i ask to clarify. especially when they get frustrated when i don't get them. sms (short message system) and msn are killing communications. ppl are sending sms to break up, not to turn up for wedding, probably next time divorce too. why sms? because that can simplify the procedure. no reason required. girls you just have to sulk and bring those unaswered questions to the grave. guys have limited words a day.

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ok on top of this i am just hurt. like the case of my bro, he just talks to me when he is in the mood. when he is done, he becomes rude. he will slam the door at my face or try with all his might to end the phone call. again when he feels like it he will buzz you on msn but when he doesn't he'll asks you to SHUT UP or just don't reply. felt so ignored and at the same time so stupid for being offended. and you say girls have PMS. but i am not going to complain to him because i value the little conversations that are left.
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ending my day like that affect my next morning. i will feel lousy and refuse to wake up.