true love

You don't want to experience true love
Because once you stumble upon it
You will know all the rest is not the real thing

Do we choose to love or do love choose us?
How is loving one seems so easy and effortless?
Yet another so hard and so trying?

Can one ever experience a love greater than true love
Can one actually feel true love without the other feeling the same
Will one, one day discover that this great feeling is not true love just yet

Will one truly be happy if her true love finds another true love
If not what kind of love is that?
But if true love actually finds another does it mean that love never actually existed at all

happy alone

"There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever"

meredith, grey's anatomy

concept behind 'the big 3 zero'

All photos by: www.anna-rina.com

"I was also touched when Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour called to propose an article and photo shoot for the December issue of the magazine. It was gutsy of her to offer and counterintuitive for me to accept. In fact, the experience did wonders to my spirits. I wore a glorious burgundy velvet Oscar de la Renta creation for the cover shoot. For a day, I escaped into a world of makeups artists and haute couture. The Annie Leibovitz photographs were great giving me the chance to look good when I had been feeling so low."
Hillary Rodham Clinton words in her biography Living History after the scandal between Bill and Monica Lewinsky

it was anna who presented me the idea of doing this set of photos. she says "it is time to change new FB's profile photo". in case you dont know, i owe almost my entire life profile photo for FB, twitter, msn and whatever else will come our way to her. the last time we did a location shot like this was probably when i was 27. she was in the beginning of her photography career. and now she is a renown photographer. by doing this it reminds me of these two things:
1. seeing how much we had progressed after these 3 years give me great assurance and anticipation for the years ahead
2. she made me believe i still have it. there is a kind of beauty in each of us regardless of our age and a genuine smile trumps wrinkles :)

i attached the 2007 and the 2010 version of myself. if you take a look at the comparison. i haven't change much in my style, just some new clothes.

set1: the soft side



2007 of me. yah the nice straight hair and floral dress

books, not because i really read a lot. but i do enjoy reading. and i definitely read a lot more the last few years than the first two decades of my life. these are books that had influence and inspired me one way or another, these are books i don't mind reading over and over again. many of you who knows me also know that im quite an open book, this is how i like to live my life. im not embarrassed of my past and my struggles because i recognized im only human and i had stopped trying to be perfect. my weakness on a contrary effect had made me more approachable and helped me gain more deeper friendships. recent years i learn to practice the sabbath, where i intentionally choose not to work, but to read and journal, it keeps me sane. this simply show the soft side of me, the fragile and vulnerable side of me.


set2: the wild side



2007 of me. see the red dress! trying to be hot too :)

i do get one or two negative comments on how i dressed up recently. and it is easy to removed them, just trash those dresses away. but after much thought i concluded "no". i like hot. i love victoria beckham. i think hot is a trend, a kind of attitude. though it might give some guys wrong impression of what kind of girl i am, it's ok. im done dressing up to fit the mold of mass production sweet gentle pretty girls. because even if my dress can deceive them, they will find out very quickly im far from that. or maybe because it is a deep down struggle that im frequently being compared to my sister. i like to be styled differently from her. i want to be seen as a separate individual. also, i think there is a difference between hot and slutty. hot girls can be slutty. but slutty girls are not necessary hot. my aim, thus is to be hot, untouchable hot :) i think that is cool or at least for now it is unless i get tired of this style.


set3: chill


i do not have a 2007 photos for this set. i think... i dont know how to be totally real yet :)

coffee, work, apple and me… yes that is me being very comfortable with all my stuff and favorite toys. yes, dont be jealous, that is how my workspace normally looks like. as you can see from my photos, i lie down, i put up my legs, for the record i also eat chicken wings with my hands. that is me, ppl just need to embrace me as i am. at least im real. love me or hate me. your choice. we called that personal preference and i will not be offended by it. or i learn not to be anymore.

view more photos here.
---
i think these 3 sets of photos summarize me in a nutshell. my mum says, "why are your dresses either long long or short short". yah i don't like being in between. I'M MAKING A STATEMENT.

it is ok

after 12 years going to church, i too found out "it is ok not to be ok".

people

i just came back from my church young adults camp.

the fact that i am there is a miracle in itself. i had not been to camp for ages, especially one that needs to leave the compound of my church. over the years, i somehow get a bit fearful of this idea of going for one. i didnt feel like packing my bag and heart to go to a foreign place and be drown with a speaker i barely know and make conversation with a bunch of ppl that i probably wont talk to after that. i didnt want to go gambling again that i may or may not encounter God. i didnt want to weary myself with all the above and very often chose not to go at all.

but i dunno is it because a whole bunch of the committee are my friends and i want to be supportive, or was it a nudge from God. i signed myself up, i made arrangements to make sure my sis sleep with me, actually to even make sure she will be in my games group but i failed to arrange the latter. i went with preparation that it might be difficult. i confess that the logos word has not awaken much within me. i only scarcely feel the tangible presence of God, much probably due to my lack of sleep and expectations. but somehow or not, i enjoyed the camp.

1. the first night, when i cry and cry without knowing why. i wasnt even responding to the speaker. it might be the fact that i am finally making baby steps to be part of this bigger community, or the thought that God has gracefully pull me through till today, or maybe even the simple gratitude that i am still a believer after all this. didnt really care which of the above is the reason, but i reckon some process of healing must be taking place.
2. the good mix of old friends, new crazy friends and weirdo to blame for those many continuous tearful laughters and increase of wrinkles. to say hi, smile, make conversations and putting names to faces that i have seen many times in that big auditorium of my church unknowingly gives me great satisfaction.
3. the 2 nights sleeping with my sister, is believed to be more than the total up conversations we made in the beginning of this year. definitely loads of bonding including sharing bathrooms, yes we have not grew out of that. the many gossips ended up to be probably most valuable lessons i get -- observing how love changes one girl who is deeply in love, witnessing a marriage proposal (the beauty in the words and commitment of the one who ask for the hand), how a girl handle herself around her ex with his new girlfriend, and so on. hearing the many drama of lives open my eyes to why ppl behave they way they do
4. seeing God works in a camp not like the way He used to do so create a bitter sweet feeling. that God might has change the pattern of how He does things make me even more fearful to tread on ministry ground again.
5. overcoming the fear of attending a camp (or not), actually from i-dunno-anyone to liking my games group was way beyond what i expect, touching/transferring a whole box worms during my games time must be one of the most fear-factor-ish thing i had ever done.

---
i seriously forgotten what crippled me, when all this fear creep into me but the last few days i seem to be making discovery. may i find the cause and find freedom to them.

answer to a meaningless life

Dr. Wyatt: What happened last year when you fell in the water?
Meredith: I almost drowned. Do you think I did that for kicks?
Dr. Wyatt: You put your hand in a body cavity that contained unexploded ammunition.
Meredith: I was trying to save a patient!
Dr. Wyatt: Why is it that every other person in that room had the sense to hit the deck? You know people run away from this line between life and death. You seem to stand on it and wait for a strong wind to sway you one way or the other. You’re careless with your life. You’re not slitting your wrists but you’re careless. Probably because your mother told you you were a waste of space on this planet. The problem is you believed her. And if you don’t want out one of these days you’re going to die because of it. grey's

---
i totally understand what happened up there. at one point, not that i want to kill myself but i didnt mind if i die either.

"it is not life that is meaningless, it is the lack of a reason to live that makes it meaningless." edmund chan

heartache

noun
emotional pain or distress; sorrow; grief; anguish

all my life i never could give an answer to this question "What is the greatest regret in your life?" i had done many things im not proud of but i stood up after each of it because i know i can find some good out of that. very often i will gleefully answer "I dont have any regrets".

it is my regret though today to announce that i have found the greatest regret in my life (and no it is not my last failed relationship). every time i think of what happen that night, i just couldnt believe how i allowed that to happen. and it seems to me nothing i do can stop it from progressing. i had tried warning it from happening, i had tried pleading it not to continue and i had tried reasoning why i dont want it to happen. but the same thing just happen again and again. i sit here with tears in my eyes, i know i have no one to blame but myself because i allow it to happen. i really wish there is a way to undo that night because with that i can erase a whole load of things that came with it after that. ask me again why i never tried sex? besides the fear of God, i was just never ready with facing long term consequences like this.

forgiveness is easy when things change but what if they never. how much grace do you think it demands from heaven to love in spite of that. sometimes i really want to just run away from this situation. i honestly do not know what help it does to stay around but as hard as it may be, im allowing God's grace to do His work and i just want to practice the very thing i preach -- i want to face the issue.

GOD, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

---
alright i shall go watch grey's so that i can be distracted by other ppl trouble and not mine.

why i want a son instead of daughter?

1. i always feel more for my boys than girls in the cells i used to lead. somehow or not their progress in life excites me a little. up to date yumeng still talks to me on msn and ivan still calls me out. not the girls, maybe that explains why.
2. not to mention the list of things i need to be fearful of when it comes to a girl, but if it is a boy i won't mind he falls, makes mistake and fail.
3. i like toddlers in general but i can imagine how much more fun it will be to dress up a cool cute looking boy. i definitely like to see that image of my hubby playing cars, ball and gun with the boy. a boy that sees his dad as a hero. that to me is an image of a happy family.

i mean that is if i am given a choice because i only want one kid. but i am sure any child of my own is just superb.



that having said, i love sara too


finger sticking in, sara's trademark


tongue sticking out, samuel's trademark


this photo is priceless, i told you it is hard to get both of them to smile at the same time


he got 5 teeth now, he makes noise when you are slow to feed him the next spoon. he crawls extremely fast if the object of his target is food

but just a confession, i like samuel a bit more :)

---
if you know how much i nap a day. you will be startled by the amount of time i sleep a day. with so many of such uneventful day, i myself find it rather amusing as well that i had still not run out of things to blog. i really have quite a train of thoughts or it is true a woman really need to verbalise a certain quota of words a day. blogging hd shown me i had quite recover from the fear of speaking and being mistaken, also i had probably rise above the fear of writing though im still not not that great in it.

maybe i am just bored but i am pretty sure as well i am entertaining quite a bit of ppl that click on my blog 3-7 times a day. i definitely never fail you because i've tried to make sure there is something new everytime you click. sometimes i do wonder who is more bored, you or me haha.

word study 3: fear

faith
being sure of what we hoped for and certain of what we do not see (hebrews 11.1)

fear
putting too much time thinking of what we do not hope for and what we do not want to see

ps melyvn brought this to light for me. after 14 years of labour with uncle laban, why did jacob not leave and go home? reason being he was more afraid to go home to see his brother than to be cheated. he stayed 6 more years. that is what fear does, it eats your time. he just need to stand up one day and say i am going to face my fear head on. like she says "tell me it is not what i think it is". and yes esau wasn't mad at him.

quite a number of ppl say i had change. if there is one thing i can put a finger on is this word 'faith'. i had not lose faith in GOD. in fact i felt that my faith in God had been refined. i had learn to have faith in other ppl more than i know how. not from a positive thinking speech because i sympathise what you are going through but for the so-much-more i know God has for you. i think probably i had exhange all that with the faith i have for myself.

what cause faith to be replaced by fear and vise versa:
1. broken dreams and disappointments in life that you no longer believe that what you hope for is true.
but ps kong hee once preached "it is when God break this small dreams of mine then He can together with me built a bigger greater dream." like how shups puts it, we begin to look at life with perspective once we are able to coin out why we are going through what we go through.
2. allowing myself to be questioned "is christian just a group of happy-clappy-positive thinking ppl? ppl that keep all their struggles and only thank God for their good things in life." i do not want to be categorise with hypocrisy. but without me realising it, i had stop to proclaim with faith my hope.
i had to admit that in fear that our struggles will stumble others or disgrace God's name, many of us fall into this category. come to think about it, that is because we do not have enough faith that God will turn things around that is why we are not sharing our disappointments. also we do not want to be weak like other non believers. how shallow is that? when ppl ask, "you call yourself christians?". we should actually answer... "oh i am not good enough that is why i need to be a believer." recent months i had told myself i will show you my real self. if i struggle i will share with you, that you might know in the day i overcome it is not me but God in me. i will not be ashamed to hope as well trusting that you know it is genuine since i am not afraid of admitting what i'm not.

i pray that the faith in the Father who had been faithful to me all these years, the great hope that the Spirit has install for me and that love that Jesus Christ demostrated when He comes down to earth be with each and everyone of us.

---
i have to tell you, i fear meeting up with josh's boss though. i fear he likes my work and give me a good offer. if i don't get an offer i do not need to think and conclude it as 'that is not God's plan for me'. if i do i need to make a decision that is going to change the route of my life forever. probably even who i am going to marry. i hate to make decisions like that. just when i thought i had already decided when the opportunity comes. the real test comes when the decision is in front of you. for now, i will spare myself from the fear since it is not here yet.

i promise i will never say to you 'move on'

over this year, loads and loads of people had use these words to console me. now that the cloud of darkness has pass me by i want to talk about this without being emotional. i hope that none of you will take it to personally because i don't remember faces that say that. or there are just to many people that say it, i already felt numbed to it.

in life whether we like it or not we are moving on. so it is really an unnecessry piece of advice. and no those word are not really encouraging. i am not sure if anyone agree with me but can you imagine:

you go for a funeral to tell the family of the deceit, move on
your friend fail in an exam and you sit down next to him and say, move on
your father just got bankrupt and you walked up to him and say, move on
someone just lose a job and you pat his shoulder as he packed his stuff, move on
someone have a car accident and lost both his legs, you look down to his missing feet and say, move on

yes, enough example but i just think that those words are very insensitive. bill wilson once said if you want to be a comfort to other
sit where the person sit.
if you don't know what to say, it is ok just sit there. company is comfort not the words. just remember no one like to be down, if i am not moving on what the hell do you think i am doing?

---
reminder: i am just making a statement. i am not holding grudges to anyone. if there is one thing i can say, sorry if i hurt anyone in this one year. i wasn't in the mood of receiving advice. i think i finally understand that bit of it, sorry my friend for talking so much. haha

if you are not there, you will not remember :)

when i was still in school. i heard of friends that had so many bfs that they can't remember how many exs they have. some forget their names and some forgotten the order of their exs. i cannot understand how can one says that she has ever love this person once in her lifetime and not remember anything about him.

in my car the other day with the cassette player on.

justin: did you compile the songs in this tape yourself?
chaiyen: ya. do you remember i gave this to you for your birthday? this was one of the thing you returned to me when we broke off.
justin: i can't remember so long already. (10 years ago)

when he got down from my car, he snatched my cassette. it is his since i said that.

i thought, too much this guy cannot remember what i gave him. the next day i saw the cassette cover that was still in my car. i looked at the design. it was something that i could had done only in my college years. ooppss. no wonder he can't remember, it wasn't part of our memories. it was for another ex of mine ;P hehehe so i made him return it to me but i didn't tell him why.

i don't have too many exs*. only one hand full :)

---
* this includes the real and not real kind. also includes puppy love and to some unspoken commitment relationship. why this remark, it is because when i ask a guy this question "how many ex do you have?" they will normally not know how to answer me till i help them with this "including the real and not real kind". because to me i took every relationship seriously. i tried and i cried :)

please-take-me-home

have you ever prayed a "please-take-me-home-to-heaven-to-be-with-you" prayer? what were the circumstances when you did?
question from the john bevere's book

to be honest i did, but it is not so much i desire to be with the Lord like what the author said but more like i suddenly lost touch of the meaning and reason to life.

i just no longer know what i'm working for.
i just no longer have a cause that i can die for.
i just no longer know where to channel my love to.

in another word i no longer know why i'm taking my next breath. i'm no longer impacting anyone, nor is anyone affecting me. but then again i know that i will still wake up tomorrow morning. so i'm just sustaining this physical being praying in desperation that God will shed some light.

reason number two would be i rather die while i still want God in my life then the time comes when i do not know Him anymore.

all i can say now, is what i had said 3 years ago at muar.
"stay with God! take heart. don't quit. i'll say it again: stay with God.'
(Psalm 27.13-14, The Message)

*this is not suicidal, this is the tired of life pleading for mercy kind of prayer. not sure if any of you feel this way before but this is the first time i ever feel like this. this journal entry was taken from my diary written a week ago.

here i stand
forever in Your mighty hands
living with Your promise
written on my heart

i am Yours
surrendered wholly to You
You set me in Your family
calling me Your own

now i
i belong to You
all i need
Your spirit, Your word, Your truth
hear my cry
my deep desire
to know you more

in Your name
i will lift my hands
to the King
this anthem of praise i bring
heaven knows
i long to love You
with all my heart
i belong to You!

the ragamuffin gospel

ps victor asked us this 3 years ago in the E03 sexuality session. "how many of you struggle with masturbation?" then he quickly continued, "... i am not refering to the guys only, also the girls." he was too specific i cannot help it but raised up my hand. but i guess i dared to lift it up only because all eyes were close.

I experienced a significant breakthrough into the freedom of the children of God at my first AA (alcholic annonymous) meeting. In the past I would have set great store not only on looking good but on thinking too often about who is looking. My self-image as a man of God and a displined disciple had to be protected at all costs. My ravenous insecurities made my sense of self-worth rise and fall like a sailboat on the winds of another's approval and disapproval. It was supreme moment of liberation to stand up, kick the pedestal aside and simply state: "My name is Brennan, I am an alcoholic."
excerpts from book The Ragamuffin Gospel

ya i no longer believe in confessing a sin only after i have a breakthrough. yes i have struggle with that all my life since i know how, and this is my last try: to confess before men and GOD. it might be a bit late to confess now since i don't really find any satisfaction in it, in fact i felt i look rather stupid but as promise.

*don't ask me how i do it. i don't use vibrating machine, nor do i start touching myself. anyway stop imagining, masturbation starts there :)

it is unfair to be a woman, but i am proud to be

Your desire should be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. Genesis 3.16

An unmarried woman or virgin is concern about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband. 1 Corinthians 7.35

i always ask myself is that really a woman fate, to please her husband. is that the cause of building a home, when a woman have to shelf all their passion and dreams. isn't that a bit unfair? i guess ps lee choo's message yesterday digged on this issue again.

'if a husband leaves a wife, he literally kills her because she loses her identity, security, hopes...'

there are two ways to build a marriage to me:
1. breaking your life down to my marriage, my career, my friends, my children, my dreams
2. a marriage that we will build our children, friends and dreams together

i know actually i can keep myself away from being hurt if i don't give my all when i am in a relationship. keep the rest in a different compartment, at least i will still have things i can hold on to when either one fail. i couldn't probably because my concept of marriage is the latter option.

i had no desire to be big evangelist like kathryn kuhlman who can not keep both her husband to stand by her because she is too powerful for them to handle, nor do i want to be that woman that sits on the top of a corporate ladder running a million dollar company. i am happy for any woman that made it there, not sure why i do not desire to be there myself.

so here i share my ambition which might not sound very ambitious to many (one which is pretty much the opposite of what everyone thinks of me), i desire to be that woman that stays at home, stands by my man while he conquers the world, keeping the home a comfortable place for him to come back to. together we raise up kids building a beautiful legacy for them. i had failed in so many relationships and i fear i can never make it to be that selfless person in a relationship. but everytime i look at the faces of these women ps nina, ps julie, ps fei fei... and of course my beloved mum; i can imagine how they can many times feel lonely, rejected, forgotten, misunderstood and even stupid for giving their all. but that same faces give me hope it is possible.

*HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY TO ALL THE BELOVED MUM OUT THERE. continue to inspire me

i gambled

yesterday i make my first entry into the casino in genting highland. my dad was my tour guide. he brought me from table to table telling me 'about the game', 'how to bet' and 'how to win'. it almost felt like a master discipling the next

QUEEN OF GAMBLE.

('the' removed, sounds better)
my confession, i gambled. not only today but i do. i play mahjong with some of my friends like twice a month. i feel very skillful when i win and of course i enjoy the conversation that exploded in the course of that game. i believe that gambling is not a sin. it is mere foolishness if we are to spend all our hard earn money in it. therefore i think we should not confuse new believers like my mum 'i thought we cannot gamble? i told your aunties the other day and they got so angry i became a christian'.

anyway life is a gamble in itself.
1. all the TIME you put into something that you hope to see results you desire but it doesn't necessary happen. it always happen to the person next to you. those who doesn't need the money. that is when you learn that life is not fair but you are still in the game.
2. you sulk but the more you sulk the more you lose. if you keep a good spirit luck might turn around (i haven't master this yet).
3. one more thing you learn, you never say 'I REGRET' when you lose because you already make the choice when you enter the game.

i will introduce to you now the biggest gambler, JESUS CHRIST. crazy as He is, HE first chooses to die for you and me even though we haven't choose to believe in Him.