heartache

noun
emotional pain or distress; sorrow; grief; anguish

all my life i never could give an answer to this question "What is the greatest regret in your life?" i had done many things im not proud of but i stood up after each of it because i know i can find some good out of that. very often i will gleefully answer "I dont have any regrets".

it is my regret though today to announce that i have found the greatest regret in my life (and no it is not my last failed relationship). every time i think of what happen that night, i just couldnt believe how i allowed that to happen. and it seems to me nothing i do can stop it from progressing. i had tried warning it from happening, i had tried pleading it not to continue and i had tried reasoning why i dont want it to happen. but the same thing just happen again and again. i sit here with tears in my eyes, i know i have no one to blame but myself because i allow it to happen. i really wish there is a way to undo that night because with that i can erase a whole load of things that came with it after that. ask me again why i never tried sex? besides the fear of God, i was just never ready with facing long term consequences like this.

forgiveness is easy when things change but what if they never. how much grace do you think it demands from heaven to love in spite of that. sometimes i really want to just run away from this situation. i honestly do not know what help it does to stay around but as hard as it may be, im allowing God's grace to do His work and i just want to practice the very thing i preach -- i want to face the issue.

GOD, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

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alright i shall go watch grey's so that i can be distracted by other ppl trouble and not mine.