the present

if life is pre-destined then how does what we do matter? we will end up where we are anyway, right?

but the thing is even if life is predestined. we totally have no idea about what was predestined for us. so by not doing anything, we might be doing what was predestined, by fighting what we are destined to be we might be just fulfilling what was meant to be. we spoke as if we know what was destined for us and by intentionally doing against what we are destined to be we will change our destiny. but what if that intention was exactly part of what was destined to be? we know not what we ask sometimes. how so often we need to ask ourselves again the very question we ask.

our failure to fight today results to our regret tomorrow. what we fought for leads to our reward in time to come. that we may know that decisions we make today is part of that predestination that we do not know. so why do we call that predestined. for it is predestined for him who lives beyond time but for us who lives in time, we can never say our life is predestined. for us who are in the now even though the destination was already written down, we still am part of it because we are what is being written.

it is almost like a twist in the movie. a scene of a girl who walks into a big library filled with books. she saw one with her name written on it. she quickly run through page by page. it is exactly what she did the last 5 years. she wondered who had been stalking her, stoled her diary and penned down those words. she flipped to the front of the page to check who the author is? but she saw something more astounding. the book was published 6 years ago. so did her-very-action write the book or the book write about her?

Try as they may to savour the taste of eternity, their thoughts still twist the ebb and flow of things in past and future time. but if only their minds could be seized and held steady, they would be still for a while and, for that short moment, they would glimpse the splendour of eternity which is forever still. they would contrast it with time, which is never still, and see that it is not comparable. they would see that time derives its length only from a great number of movements constantly following one another into the past, because they cannot all continue at once. but in eternity nothing moves into the past: all is present. time, on other hand, is never all present at once. the past is always driven on by the future, the future always follows on the heels of the past, and both the past and the future have their beginning and their end in the eternal present. if only men's minds could be seized and held still! they would see how eternity, in which there is neither past nor future, determines both past and future time. excerpts st augustine confessions

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a thought like this showed how foolish i was yesterday. i do feel a little wiser today though i cant even pen down properly what i think i understand. still i am wiser today, better off in compare to yesterday. but when the next light dawn, i will think how foolish i am today to have said what i said. and now you see how empty our words are, how we think that we cannot change today after it passes but tomorrow just proves to have changed my today. but i take heart, that each thinking process leads me to higher truth. i have no intention to complicate life, but life is complicated and i will be a fool to live as if it is not. i will be careless to take for granted that tomorrow is not too late to fix things for i do not have a clue what is installed for tomorrow. i will be so wrong to think that i can undo what i did yesterday for what i did had been done and forever will be there. what we think, is not yet; but what we do, is.

so what the past already written, the future already penned down? somehow the now is still out for us to seize. do not leave life unquestioned, life is meant to be a quest.