a precarious life

Father, who am i to you right now?
im nothing that you should even consider looking at
i make no contribution to your kingdom
even the devil pay no attention to me anymore

i no longer walk in victories like i used to do
i no longer walk straight in unshaken faith
i've come to learn that there is no formula in this precarious life of ours
Solomon and Job, none of them could understand it either

it was great to have a purpose, a passion, a job that everyone longs for
someone that loves and hold me through the night
those who sees me envied my life
your Spirit working within me was so powerful
i was sure of everything i say and do
ppl recognised that someone greater than myself was living in me

the question now: do i want to walk back into such a life?
i really dont know, God
do i ever deserve to have it back?
or
do i even want it at all knowing that i can lose it all over again.

there is a fear within that is still haunting me till this day
the pain that time has fail to wash away
will i ever have the courage to embrace back the fullness of life
or would i rather continue mourning over that which is no longer here

what are you teaching me, O God
make it plain to me
that my external failure
will not cause my heart failure too

there are two things i want to be thankful about
i believed that much tears has scourge my heart
i can for real say that 'God is still my God' not only in good times but in my nothingness too

if that is the only two lessons learned
i think i have progressed much
for i once lived by the rumours of how one needs to believe in God throughout good and bad times
i now have it all firsthand

surely You have no reason to take another look at me
and i have no business at Your court
today im nothing and empty handed
which makes You everything, a place rightful for You from the beginning

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these writing inspired by the books by the two names mentioned above