hindsight

1. work for passion not for the money
i never thought i will ever earn 5 figure in a month. i hit it once or twice this year. with the amount of deadline, wrinkles and sleepless nights that come with it, i concluded that is not what i want to do the rest of my life. i know i can actually keep those clients and at least make a fortune out of it for the next few years. im in my second month and all i want to do is close all my jobs to fulfill my contract and put an end to this. i dont want the money if it means i dont have the time to spent it. i want to go singapore, watch dvd, go out yam cha with my friends, go movies, go gym and most importantly i want my sleep. i always know i dont want to work the rest of my life. i also always know i didnt work just for the money, i want to enjoy my work. this year, i can finally say that im sure about that.
2. better to love then not love
i wounded myself quite badly in my last relationship. the pain lasted so long, i told God "i don't want to feel that pain anymore... i don't want that feeling of being in love anymore." and it is funny i only pray for that this year. maybe it was because i know God is able and the years before this despite the pain i didn't want Him to remove that feeling. the feeling that i love someone so strongly. like i said God is faithful to anwer that prayer of mine. a series of event took place and im not sure which morning but i woke up one day and i realised that i could let it go. i dont believe this either but i actually say this the other day, "i miss being in love". and i dont mean i miss being in a relationship. i actually meant i miss the agony of thinking of someone everyday, the feeling of being thrilled to see him and all that. it is crazy but why i say that is because i realised that "love keeps your heart alive". when you love someone -- whether in pain or joy, whether in tears or laughters -- you live your day. when you love someone somehow it is easier to remember how much God loves you. but now that im not in love and im so busy it seems like everday pass me by just like this. i find it hard to remember God's love for me. i felt that i have not live. because what i last remember, despite how busy i was, i miss someone and i know that my heart is alive.

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i think i always know what i wanted. sometimes i think im confusing God. "God i need job", "God i don't want to work", "God i dont want the feelings of being in love", "God i miss being in love"... i think today i shall just say "God i dont know what i want but You know better. but this year i thank You for giving me what i do not want so that i know what i really want". God is good (full stop).