crash

this happened a few days ago, i cant forget the incident i mind as well blog it. i think it is God when cute guys keep banging into my car. yah i still remember my christmas eve incident and the text message that followed after. but somehow i was a bit angry this time as i marched out of the car, i started screaming before i even see the driver. i have to admit, the anger left as soon as he came out from his car. ohhh tall, dark, handsome. as cliche as it sounds like, he looks familiar i think i saw him somewhere before. but i tried to put back on my fierce look and make sure i get his ic number and contacts. im not going to let him off just for his hot look, im going to look totally shallow if i do. so i need to pretend im not coz that's not attractive.

he told me something along the line that he forgotten his IC today. i cant remember exactly what happened, somehow he managed to make me follow him home. as soon as we reached his place. i make sure i looked annoyed having to follow him around. i marched after him into his house. he didnt say anything and walk straight into his room. i wasnt sure if im suppose to follow right in but i stopped at his door which he left opened. he was sitting by his keyboard next to his bed, he invited me to sit next to him and he started playing and i was totally swept off my feet. then i remembered, he is philip wang. see i told you i know this guy. but the terrible part is that is also the same moment i realised it is just a dream. i knew it, cute guys dont just 'happen' to appear in your life like that.

i swear i had not been watching his videos the last few days :)

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had been looping since i visited biling's blog: always be my baby, david cook

passion

i went for dinner with ps lee choo. one planned since last year. but i have no complain, who am i to even have her time. so this act itself makes me feel really, really special. we went for dinner at la bodega, bsc. as we reached there, she told me she needed to get some milk. i was a bit curious why cant she get it after dinner. she insisted to get it immediately, "i need to get it now, i will surely forget later." we quickly get the milk and find a table in the restaurant. she carefully placed the milk on the seat next to her. she continued, "i cant put it on the floor, i will forget."

overall it was a really good time, because we know so many ppl in common we kinda talk about many, many ppl including mine. time quickly passed by and we made our way back to church. she did asked me if i want to join her, ps gary rucci from adelaide was here. i had heard him speak before and i really like him but somehow i said "maybe not". maybe it was a little pride hoping she didnt arrange the dinner before this just to make me join her. she didnt insist which i was actually hoping she does to prove me right. but she left. disclaimer: it is not really me to do this, but i actually kinda like ps gary rucci. just that this season of my life, i wonder if what he says will be significant to me at all.

i drove away a little empty, it is friday. i left my options open to go for that so i didnt make any other plans. so i started calling ppl. first, my oth kaki denied me. friend after friend i called to watch the green thing with me but they all seem to already made movie plans. so i drove away. then, i saw the main character of this episode of mine, THE milk. gosh what is it doing here. so i make my u-turn right at the junction and called ps lee choo. she didnt answer her phone as i predicted. so there is no other way except to park my car and go up there. i smiled at the whole process because it seems so funny to me because this whole paragraph does not need to be written if i would had just gone up in the first place.

so i went up with my excuse - the milk - and i prayed "God if you insist i come you must have quite a message for me, let it be done." behold this man spoke about passion.

what makes you cry, hotel rwanda? blood diamond? what provokes you? what is it that annoy you? what makes you figure for solutions? what makes you keep awake at night? what ignites your energy? what is your passion? you see after being a christian for so long it no longer about a war of doing good or bad. but a war of the good and the best. we can do a few good things in life but that will only built church-nity. christianity is about passion. jesus is a very passionate man. and it no coincidence his last week is called the passion week."

after the message, i sober up and walked over to ps lee choo with her milk. "you purposely left this in my car right? *with a smile on my face* but im glad i came up". she couldnt stop laughing and mumble something in the line of she was thinking where she left her milk while she was giving the altar call. funny what goes through the mind of a pastor. but the main point is more than something planned by ps lee choo, i couldnt help thinking how this whole thing is orchestrated by God.

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all these things come in aptly so that i can add it to my list of things to ponder about. 3 more days.

mind game

i think it is weird but i actually like this feeling. the mind game

"i think he likes me", "nah maybe not, i think he likes the other girl", "but i think he likes me, if not why did he do that?", "actually, i think he likes my sister", "see, that is sign of interest", "maybe he doesnt know he is interested yet but those are signs of possibility", "maybe not, he is just treating me as a friend".

yah i like the weirdest thing in the world.

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"My point is this... Whoever said what you don't know can't hurt you was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the WORST feeling in the world... As surgeons we have to be in the know, but as human beings sometimes it's better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark there may be fear, but there is also hope."
meredith grey, grey's

challenge

chal·lenge –noun
a call or summons to engage in any contest, as of skill, strength, etc.

before the year end, i will do either one of these:
1. i will go for piano lessons so that i will not be forever tone deaf.
2. i will be a part time lecturer in my former college.
3. if not, i will enroll myself as a student again in that college. this time majoring in multimedia.

seriously the third is more like what i want to do because there is a sudden desire for something more in my career. whichever options im taking, i intend to continue my freelance work. which brings me to the point of doubt if i can cope with the expenses and if i have the luxury of time to do that. age is not at all a problem to me, im kinda excited to hit back to lecture hall, squeeze out my creative juices and be surrounded by cutie boys. what im not prepared for is to give up my sleep and finishing up my assignments.

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without vision the people perish. without goals we walk aimlessly. i once had many dreams, dreams i was so sure of fulfilling. i climbed up the shelf to check if any of them are still alive. it seems like when we are awaken from dreams, we can hardly lay hold of it once again. i could not resonate with any of it anymore. but i can no longer stand living in this body that is running out of passion, i need to try some new things. just in case there are untouched ground where my talents and destiny lie. just maybe, i might stumble upon something that will cause my heart to beat again. a dream that i will die pursuing. Martin Luther King said "If you haven't found something to die for, you're not fit to live". doesnt matter i die not changing anything, so long as i die trying to do something. i need to find something to dream about again to justify my existence.

ironically there is another quote that goes "You never really live until you find someone worth dying for." i think twice about it, then i concluded i might just die looking for that someone, so i mind as well stick back to luther's quote. it seems to me it is easier to look for a thing.

think. family

"mum, from now on we will only speak to you in english so that you can improve your english"
i can only remember the days when she sat us down and teach us our ABC and 123. they do not have the privilege and luxury to further their education like us. they were determine to make sure we get the education that is necessary and now we are so good that we feel embarrassed that our parents cannot communicate properly in english. shame on us.

"all my parents do is give us money, they do not know how to love us without money"
those were the days i dont even see my dad at home and it is not because he is working, he was just missing in action. but here he is giving his time to bring us for holiday and sumptuous dinner. buying car, hp, clothes, laptop and that is what we say. if we are that great, dont use a penny of theirs. if we want to talk about love and not money, prove to them all we want is love and not money. shame on us.

"why are you always comparing us to other kids, why must we get first in class? why dont u praise us for things we did well in. like other parents, they search for college for their kids and be there for them."
to hear even that lie is already funny. there we are comparing our parents with other parents and we are telling them not to compare us with other children. those were the days we want to do well to impress our parents and maybe just a self satisfaction that we can do well. but kids nowadays, they take it as if it is a they are doing their parents a favour to do well. reward from their parents doesnt sounds like an motivation, to them it is a pressure. seriously i dont know how to be parents too. shame on us.

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seriously im very happy with my parents. no im not saying they are perfect, they are a lot of better ideal parents around. but im very proud of them. through the years, i had seen them become better parents, but it seems to me expectations of kids nowadays are growing in great measure. so forgive me if i get a little upset seeing kids lecturing how their parents to be parents. it is just disturbing. let them be them, give them a break if they just want to watch chinese series. for goodness sake dont force them to read newspaper.

inspired by this entry.

counterattack monday blues

they do have quite a few good short movie. i found myself sitting there the whole night playing one after another. not sure if im bias because he is super cute. this wedding presentation clip is really interesting too.

the present

if life is pre-destined then how does what we do matter? we will end up where we are anyway, right?

but the thing is even if life is predestined. we totally have no idea about what was predestined for us. so by not doing anything, we might be doing what was predestined, by fighting what we are destined to be we might be just fulfilling what was meant to be. we spoke as if we know what was destined for us and by intentionally doing against what we are destined to be we will change our destiny. but what if that intention was exactly part of what was destined to be? we know not what we ask sometimes. how so often we need to ask ourselves again the very question we ask.

our failure to fight today results to our regret tomorrow. what we fought for leads to our reward in time to come. that we may know that decisions we make today is part of that predestination that we do not know. so why do we call that predestined. for it is predestined for him who lives beyond time but for us who lives in time, we can never say our life is predestined. for us who are in the now even though the destination was already written down, we still am part of it because we are what is being written.

it is almost like a twist in the movie. a scene of a girl who walks into a big library filled with books. she saw one with her name written on it. she quickly run through page by page. it is exactly what she did the last 5 years. she wondered who had been stalking her, stoled her diary and penned down those words. she flipped to the front of the page to check who the author is? but she saw something more astounding. the book was published 6 years ago. so did her-very-action write the book or the book write about her?

Try as they may to savour the taste of eternity, their thoughts still twist the ebb and flow of things in past and future time. but if only their minds could be seized and held steady, they would be still for a while and, for that short moment, they would glimpse the splendour of eternity which is forever still. they would contrast it with time, which is never still, and see that it is not comparable. they would see that time derives its length only from a great number of movements constantly following one another into the past, because they cannot all continue at once. but in eternity nothing moves into the past: all is present. time, on other hand, is never all present at once. the past is always driven on by the future, the future always follows on the heels of the past, and both the past and the future have their beginning and their end in the eternal present. if only men's minds could be seized and held still! they would see how eternity, in which there is neither past nor future, determines both past and future time. excerpts st augustine confessions

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a thought like this showed how foolish i was yesterday. i do feel a little wiser today though i cant even pen down properly what i think i understand. still i am wiser today, better off in compare to yesterday. but when the next light dawn, i will think how foolish i am today to have said what i said. and now you see how empty our words are, how we think that we cannot change today after it passes but tomorrow just proves to have changed my today. but i take heart, that each thinking process leads me to higher truth. i have no intention to complicate life, but life is complicated and i will be a fool to live as if it is not. i will be careless to take for granted that tomorrow is not too late to fix things for i do not have a clue what is installed for tomorrow. i will be so wrong to think that i can undo what i did yesterday for what i did had been done and forever will be there. what we think, is not yet; but what we do, is.

so what the past already written, the future already penned down? somehow the now is still out for us to seize. do not leave life unquestioned, life is meant to be a quest.

new game on the board

the last few days i got hooked with a new family board game, blokus. it is so fun, that i played the online version while everyone is fast asleep. ok, im doing my last game before i hit the bed. i have a very important task tomorrow morning, to be my cute little twins babysitter. it seems to me, babysitter can change the world. yes carrie from oth makes me think so. hopefully this hot babysitter will not do anything to harm my perfect family because i really like her, for now :)

so tomorrow will be a day to test if i will be a hot mama in the near future... juggling between work, babies and preparing for hot magazine party.

answer to a meaningless life

Dr. Wyatt: What happened last year when you fell in the water?
Meredith: I almost drowned. Do you think I did that for kicks?
Dr. Wyatt: You put your hand in a body cavity that contained unexploded ammunition.
Meredith: I was trying to save a patient!
Dr. Wyatt: Why is it that every other person in that room had the sense to hit the deck? You know people run away from this line between life and death. You seem to stand on it and wait for a strong wind to sway you one way or the other. You’re careless with your life. You’re not slitting your wrists but you’re careless. Probably because your mother told you you were a waste of space on this planet. The problem is you believed her. And if you don’t want out one of these days you’re going to die because of it. grey's

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i totally understand what happened up there. at one point, not that i want to kill myself but i didnt mind if i die either.

"it is not life that is meaningless, it is the lack of a reason to live that makes it meaningless." edmund chan

p.s. i love you

gosh how do you know i will love this movie.


i love to the two of them... they are just so gorgeous.


or was it him, the familiar bit and the singing unashamedly bit that makes me want to cry and laugh all at the same time.


or was it her so vulnerable, so helpless, the trying and the breaking and the combination of all that.

or was it the homely apartment and beautiful ireland scenery.

or was it those beautiful lines and romantic sweet deed.


or was it the soundtracks and pretty dresses.

or maybe it is just all that and more.


just this first 5 minutes introduction from the movie already made me teared. that's it... girls have a whole loads of things running through their mind, boys never understand them, both never meant what they say most of the time. fight-kiss-make-up. that's it, that is married life :)

you bet i do love this movie. i love every bit of it. definitely, maybe was good, but this is better. by far my best love movie.

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finished grey's and this movie over the weekend. the last few days life had been feeling so right, something happened and i wasnt suppose to feel this way but i did. i think im making good progress :)

one of a kind

lying there with both my eyes close while the girl massage my face and shoulder. suddenly i realised she was plucking my eye brows. i had this bad feeling that she might just get my brows off balance.

but i thought she is already half way through so i didnt bother, plus hair will grow, so whatever. with my eyes close i let my mind go wild into the topic. if God make all of us? isnt it a bit weird why some of us have bigger right eyes or longer left leg. to be a bit more crude isnt it nicer to have a pair of boobs that are of the same size. what measuring system does he use? it doesnt make sense to me. i trust him to be a more meticulous craftman than this, plus im one designer myself and i know what im talking about. if i want to make another leg, i will just duplicate the left and flip it over. then it will look perfect isnt it?

i was startle by what came to my mind following that. God crafted our left leg and right leg one by one. my left and right eyes, ears, hands, fingers, every single hair... all one by one. he did not make one hair and duplicate a bunch. he did not take the old template of my hair and duplicate it for my sister and twitch the colour a little. to sum that up, im not machine made nor am i computer generated. wow...

as if that doesnt blow my mind already... no way, every leaves, flowers, petals, trees, mountains, clouds. seriously, every grain of the tree trunk, the leaves, the direction of the branches. he put so much time in fashioning each and everyone of them. at the end of it i was dumbstruck of how much time he had spent on us. why will he put so much effort to it. a movie animator will tell you easily create 10 trees (which i believe is a lot of work in itself already), duplicate it and it will be a forest. if he is hard working, he will do 20 or maybe 30 to make it look more realistic. but He has went way beyond that to make it all different, not that He will be caught by any of us who rarely step foot in the forest. coming from one that can exert such power, there is nothing to explain this besides the fact that He takes pleasure in doing that.

yes, i was always told im special but i had never come to that understanding till today. even though i might not be a eye candy to you. i know im not perfect but i was never intended to be. so today i do feel a little special knowing the fact that someone up there actually took some time just to mold me in the history of mankind.

i wasnt too happy to find out that my intuition was right about my brows when i look at the mirror. but it was a good lesson learned so i gave that girl a break and left without pursuing the matter.

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forget about this dumb world that makes you feel less special than who you really are. remember, you are not perfect but you are more than that. YOU ARE GOOD, that is what He says the day he completed his creation.

become

be·come
to come into being/to live/to exist

a humdrum life we have and it is easy assume that God stop looking at us. most likely we had sin or perhaps HE is busy with other ppl or should we justify it by saying HE is teaching us to wait. we cling on to verses like this, hoping that we can get some kind of strength to refresh us to keep us going.

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength
They spread their wings and soar like eagles
they run and dont get tired
they walk and dont lag behind.

we skim through these lines that comes before that.

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob
or whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesnt care what happens to me"?
Dont you know anything? Havent you been listening?
God doesnt come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesnt get tired out, doesnt pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.

we so easily get tired of our life, especially when the cycle in life just keeps repeating itself. we think that HE easily quit just like we do. maybe it is easier to assume that HE stops working so that we can have a breeze. than to imagine Him allowing everything that we dont really like take place; or busy planning things that are about to happen which we are not ready to face. it is straining to think that He is trying to coincide all our stories together. it is too much for our tiny brain so we quit surveying who HE is. that is when our reason of being becomes faint. for it is in knowing HIM that we become. to recognise that we are living today not waiting for a plan, we are living in one waiting for it to be revealed.

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today, there is a strong desire to live.

grace

why should i like him, this selfish person doesnt deserve my love.
God says: no one ever deserve love.

you once ask, God show me how you love.
God says: im not sure if you can fully comprehend that.


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aslan is calling. time to rise and fight for your hearts