i knew it, they will not stay for long

“At this moment there are six billion, six hundred seventy million, eight hundred eighteen thousand, six hundred seventy one people in the world. Some are running, some are coming home, some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the thruth, some are evil at war with good, and some are good strunggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one.” peyton sawyer

i know writing – blog, letters, emails, smses, msn - are not good mediums to use especially trying convey feelings or explanations. it always comes out wrong. more so for people that read into every word and hold it against you in the arguement later more than using that as a guide of helping them understand how you feel. not that i am not one of those ppl therefore i am also now trying to be more graceful with other people writings.

there are many new friendship that had come and go in this season of my life:
1. some were giving me the company i needed (fear i feel too lonely – call that sympathy)
2. some came to 'help' and see if their one or two words turn up to be words from heaven and lift me up from this season (call that heroic mentality)
3. and finally some were just friends, they like my company and they do share their thoughts as it goes along

it is weird every time i ask someone this: why are you not the same like when i first know you? the two faced him became like my problem, an expectation of what i want him to be as if i imagine or visualise the another him which was never him at all. the very fact i asked was because i noticed. the very fact i clarified was because i wanted to know which is the real him. eventhough if you truly ask me which i prefer i will be very please to give you my opinion but that by no means who you need to be.

similarly i know there are great potentials you see in me and i know what i am capable to do. if God is willing and if i wanted to just give me 3 months and i can climb back the rat race in church, serve a dozen ppl and do 1001 things. but this is not what i am compelled to do now. i just want to be friends and love those around me, let's not even talk about those i do not know their names. i admit i am being difficult now especially to church leaders that i do not have relationship with. "join this, join that; do this, do that". i dare say i demand nothing from my friends. i never expect someone to fetch me, pay for my bills, or owe me a present in that sense. in fact i had been so independent fearing i become a burden to someone i need to unlearn it to be a bit more dependent on my bf - then again it doesn't work out very well so maybe it is still best to not. i dare not say i got no expectations from bf though. he ought to treat me more than just a friend, right? but i never believe that anyone owe it to me to serve me. i just need friends that are comfortable with me and consider me fun to be with.

if some of you are still sympthasizing me... no worries i am not sorry about my life. maybe there is nothing to fight for now but at least i have the courage to live each day with sparks that some of my friends offer, crushes, new jobs and new places. all i need is to make myself want to live for one more day and if i have the extra joy hopefully it will overflow to make someone day as well.

i had grown to understand that all relationships cannot be forced. i mean there are loads of ppl i wish i can be as close to them as i used to. but if it seems like meeting me is a chore and burden then pls don't. i am sincere when i say this... i hate to be a burden. i have a lot on my plates now to make myself happy, i do not have so much to care about your feelings and i am sorry for that. if you do not contact me anymore, it is ok... i really do not expect that. like i say many had come and go. (hey, isn't that peyton's line)

this entry is going to sound like another threatening entry. just remember for one i am not those ppl that blog because i want to scold someone indirectly because i know he reads... never. everytime i write i just want to be known and understood. that you will not have a shadow of doubt over my intention. i learned even though in our eyes we believe great potentials in those we love, know that it is not in our hands to do anything about it. all we do is like faith and hope... we wait patiently with this person. believe it or not it can be felt.


© All rights reserved. photograph by anna.
the pursuit of happiness

---
actually my title is for this.

3 total turn off for a guy:
1. move around a lot so that they do not know whether you are in spore or msia. you just need to break the momentum.
2. tell them about other guys you go out with. better still, bring them out on a double date -- bring two of your dates out at the same time. "Here’s my philosophy on dating. It’s important to have somebody that can make you laugh. Somebody you can trust. Somebody that, you know, turns you on. And it’s really, really important that these three people don’t know each other." brooke davis from OTH.
3. tell them a lot about your ex.

this is the different between crush and love. crushes, they don't stay for long. matter of fact i know these rules, so i am not sure if i did that all on purpose or what. i am not looking for crushes, i am looking for a guy that stays :)