my girl is back

my cutie girl is back.


her parents have very small eyes, looking at their photos she thought smiling-till-you-cant-see-your-eyes is the way to go. reminds me of dejelly




so happen, my boy is staying over at my place for the weekend. so i arranged a play date. they started with a shy "hi" and ended with a big hug. oh yahh plus the unending names calling session "bye, char-lotte", "bye, sam-uel", "bye-bye, char-lotte"...

how ru feeling today?

my next project's moodboard -- vintage and grunge mood

stages of life

Moses spent forty years thinking he was somebody.

He spent the next forty years learning he was nobody.

He spent the last forty years discovering what God can do with a nobody.


D.L. Moody


---
i thought i knew it all. i thought i know how to love God, master my work and figure this thing call relationship. the funny thing about it, the more i learn, then more i realise how much i do not know. today im in a position of weakness, not trying to be humble. almost embarrass to say this but seriously... i cant get anything right in my life.

what do teens ask nowadays?

juno: I'm losing my faith in humanity.
dad: Think you can narrow it down for me?
juno: I guess I wonder sometimes if people ever stay together for good.
dad: You mean like couples?
juno: Yeah, like people in love.

money can't buy love

there is this myth that the more extravagant your wedding day and guest list is, the lower the chance of divorce. it is said that couple that made their vow in the midst of many witnesses feel a greater responsibility to sustain their marriage.

hollywood celebrities took it really seriously. with wedding gown that cost more than a regular wedding in malaysia (i havent even convert the exchange rates), flowers that can buy two houses in pj (after converting it should come out to about 6 houses), and yes it shouldnt surprise you they burn-away 150,000 on fireworks.

but looks like the thread is strong enough to keep the dress together but not the marriage, not only that, the most expensive wedding in hollywood seems to be one of the shortest living marriage. 40 percent of the couples from that list ultimately split.

my best wishes to my two most beloved couples Beckham-Victoria and Tom-Katie. may your friendship last and may you both spur each other towards strong family and marriage.

same beginning, different ending

two boys born on the same day, met their girl under the same scenario and both relationship took a different path. have you ever wonder where your relationship will land at if you had done it differently? if you had shared more, if things had not been left like that, if things had been less complicated. the worst had hit on them again and again. which i dont see it as a tragedy, it only makes the ending so much more meaningful. a line in the lyrics struck me how often in relationship we beat around the bush and end up at the same place. there is something about perseverance in relationship, achievements and dreams that never fail to wet my eyes.

am never a fan of tvb series, they suck big time especially in the romance department. for that simple fact their relationship are normally so surface, i barely feel chemistry between the couple most of the time. i did the usual thing passing by my big living room to get to my room, but this time i stopped there. i didnt just stop there, i stayed up till 6am that day itself. probably because of the japan snowy white backdrop, maybe because of the two sweet couples too. i couldnt stop, it is like i want to know what happen after he makes the call, after he leaves that voice mail, after she drops that note. rumours has it that kevin and niki had been in a relationship, i hope that is not true since i dont like the "had been". i hope that the chemistry in that movie is actually real and not just mere acting. yah... hope... because it is just rare to see such sweetness. you just have to see the way they hold each other. it makes you go "awww..."

james and cissie's wedding

i was recruited last minute to just help lindy cordinate the wedding and liaise all her deco. i like their venue though it is quite far way. the place is so serene :)

new year resolution

i dont normally have a habit of setting resolutions. but i come to realise i fail to achieve much the last few years. so here is just a random list-of-things-i-want-to-attain this year.

1. reactivate the phone line with God. do devotion daily and start journaling once more
2. copy notes during church service again
3. start reading again. would like to begin with completing odyssey and tale of two cities from last year
4. run twice a week (after i buy my shoes)
5. go for at least one beach and another city holiday
6. watch more movies
7. do better in college
8. work harder, earn more money
9. save my targeted amount
10. stay carefree

---
several of my spa beauticians told me the last few days that i have high tolerance for pain. maybe because to me, physical pain is always more bearable than emotional pain. at least that was how i comfort myself the other day when i had a very bad stomach ache due to diarrhoea. it was so painful, the worst i ever felt, i started tearing and curling up myself. amidst that i had a conversation with HIM:
cy: God this is the most terrible pain i ever had... can u take it away.
GOD: you mean more painful than heartache?
cy: ohhh yahh... no, that is worst. suddenly i think this is more bearable. put me to sleep and make me well after i wake up, i've got loads of work to finish up. (i took some pills, doss off and really woke up well)

if i were a boy

im hooked to this song and this music video tells the songs very well.

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the mornin
And throw on what I wanted and go
drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick with who I wanted
And I'd never get confonted for it
Cause they stick up for me.

[Chorus]
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they think that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home

[Chorus]

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand (Yeah you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

---
it is funny that i have christmas party on the 24th and 26th. while i spent almost the whole christmas day at home. maybe that is a good reminder that christmas is not about parties but HIM. meantime... im a bit overdosed with holidays and this festive season is really not helping. work is piling up and i aint doing anything... you get my point.

attention!

19 - 23 DECEMBER: BANGKOK

24 - 26 DECEMBER: KL
-----------------------------
24 dec: dinner at Paige's place, party at Sherelyn's place
25 dec: church service in the morning...
26 dec: Kevin's place

27 DECEMBER - 2 JANUARY: SINGAPORE
--------------------------------------------------
27 dec:
28 dec: youth service (i cant remember what time)
29 dec:
30 dec:
1 jan: cousin's wedding dinner
2 jan: driving back from singapore

A NOTE TO THE SINGAPOREANS
meant to meet this group of ppl, if u all make it one of those dates up there. let me know.
1. elaine (PIC), shups and girls - we can have a girly night out
2. alvin (PIC), ps and the whole gang, i would like to join if there is any new year's eve gathering or dinner.
3. bong n howe

*ppl above, pls let me know soon when ur free so i can block those dates. if ur not in this list, i just am not sure who is free to meet me with such short notice. give me a buzz.

jealousy

it really depends how much i like you. or maybe how much i think i have you. unless of course im super certain that you are all mine, the insecurity part of me always struggle with this little thing called jealousy. i might not do anything about it, i might not even tell you i feel that because seriously i dont really like that part of me. still this is something i have been trying to work through all these years but mostly fall flat on. of course there are a ransom one or two relationships that i dont feel like that, but on most of those occasions that guy normally took over that role. meaning that he would be rather possessive and jealousy would be his middle name. selfishly, i prefer that. at least i feel that the poison is not in me.

recently, as most of you know im not in a relationship. and so why should this issue bother me at all? it disturbs me, because i kinda get jealous over guys that doesnt even belong to me in the first place. of course it didnt affect me a lot because i dont even know who i like exactly. but the the next thing troubles me even more when i start to realise that i get busy even about what other girlfriends think about me. i really believe that these girls are a lot cooler than that, but some part of me think that their glare says something, that them intercepting into those conversations mean something more than just coincidence, that their girls after all and every girl gets jealous somewhat. not wanting any girl to even start feeling uncomfortable with me. most of the time i just try not to talk to much to those guys.

i seriously think that there is this little voice that always put crazy thoughts like this into me. so nowadays, i try not to entertain those thoughts. i start reminding myself not to think so much, and that favourite phrase works pretty well "if it is mine, it will be mine". probably i dun even want to start any relationship until i totally overcome this sickening trade, but will i ever? i hope so. i hope one day love will help me break free. this probably sums up how i look at potential candidate for now though. refusing to think or excite myself too much... if it is mine, it is mine. so i chant.

selfish indulgence

my jacket went europe without me. yes, she took the flight *jealous*. well at least she brought this back for me. :)



---
just found out yesterday that some ppl actually consider traveling as a selfish indulgence. i have to say, i havent learn about traveling until i went to singapore. most young adult singaporean go for at least one holiday a year. never thought that i will use my hard earn money on any of these trips. but seriously it is getting a bit addictive; after every country you go, you feel like you can conquer a far greater one next round. it keeps you excited and gives you a reason to work. i dont shop a lot so i guess i deserve some pampering for my hard work. incidentally, im one darn singaporean... so maybe it just runs in the blood.

a romantic affair

the MIFA runway, lights and dresses left me somewhat dreamy. in the midst of very sophisticated faces which i so often see only in magazine, plus free flow of sparkling shiraz and wisky coke probably contributed to that feeling. it is about 1.30am and i make my way back, the sound of raindrops keep me company. after a hot shower, probably the next best thing to do is tuck myself in bed.

but it is friday night, and i dont want to just do the next best thing. im in a mood for a slow, catchy romance. and i got that spot on from my blueberry nights. check that web link, let those soundtracks play for a bit and you will understand what i mean. some ppl think wong kar wai's movies are pretty slow, remember im somewhat tipsy so the pace was just nice for me. couldnt resist jude law, he is not that great looking but always find him charming. a player real life (or so i heard), i know why he can be one. the way he stares at another girl, the way he runs his finger through the hair, such a killer. he can sweeps any girls' feet of the ground. i believe all that comes in natural, he wasnt just acting. love the music, angles, story line and babes. hypnotise by that kiss right there. now really wish i can do a movie journal.

movies like this can make us fall in love with love all over again. somehow recent affairs seem to be nurturing my heart back to love... do you think he is around the corner?

year end reflection

has it got to do with end of the year. the pressure of trying to do everything before the year come to an end or what. im jam packed with house warming, parties, gatherings, assignments, work deadlines. so many things happening that i dont have time to finish reading my books, clearing all my downloaded movies, or even sit down to gather my thoughts.

there i am planning for my bangkok shopping trip and the condition is getting worst than before. with the international airport close down and my recce team (my friend's whole family) squandered there the situation just got more worrying than it should.

i sit there and ponder for a while, here i am im trying to make a holiday plan amid the world trying to make changes in their country. it seems like every country is trying to fight for their country freedom and hope, a new government away from corruption. some knows what their doing, some dont; nevertheless the world is groaning from within for a change.

no wonder my friend mentioned he doesnt mind migrating to the States now to be part of that change, sometimes we wish that we are part of a hope that is greater than ourselves. but so often, not many of us lift a finger to do anything but our own things. we only wish that someone will do the job, while we taste the result of that change. meantime we continue to party and do our shopping. i seriously do not know where to begin, a country? of which i do not know where i belong sometimes. staying in a country that i am not a citizen to, or holding a passport of a country that the national anthem i do not know how to sing. a church? of which the many things i do not know where to focus in, and the question is more like what kind of change really matters. a corporate world? standing in the midst of the multitudes and i wonder what significant i can be, though we hear of many stories of life that made a change, then i look at faces around me and i thought of the many untold stories of life that had not make it.

do you think it is random that some ppl are just choosen to be vessel of change? or do you think these ppl have far greater tolerance than others. that failure is not ultimatum for them and change was all they hope to see. or most of us just lack of that umm in our life. no children to fight for, no country we love more than ourselves and yet to know the heart of God we claim we love.

the great adventure

last weekend, we headed north to this place.


our room, or should i say our barn is pretty small but it is enough for the night.


this is me...


and my team.

part1: white water rafting





though you can barely see us except for our helmet, we are all still in the boat. this is what i found out after this trip, that white water rafting is not as scary as it looks like. but maybe because we only went for level3. it is really fun, and we really want to do this again.

part2: night tracking
we were busy grabbing branches and holding our torchlight. so no photos heheh...

part3: paintball

we almost name ourself camp-whore (since they were cam-whoring the whole trip) but we went with the company name team hot


my damage:


i pull through the whole thing with just one o-chia (blue black) and minor bruises. oh yahh... one lesser pair of shoes.

---
all photos courtesy of yeow mei ann.

sometimes when we touch

after cell, raymond picked up the guitar and started singing some oldies. i dimmed the light, we laid down there refusing to go home. it went on and on past midnight. he might not be a perfect singer but it didnt matter, the acoustic version of all those songs, the yellow light, pillows and the sound of drizzle outside made the night almost perfect. not only his wife, it got all the girls mesmerised. these are the results of it all.

david: i need to pick up guitar.
cy: im certain now i need to find a man that can play the guitar. my goodness, imagine him putting me to sleep every night like this. (for a while right there, i forgotten everything else in life)

we oftentimes try to move on from the childish romantic love, we try to remind ourselves that hollywood love is not true love. i understand that is not all love is about but we slowly shun ourselves from surprises, gifts and sweet words. after a while we forgot how to love... we refuse to awaken anything inside. the fear of getting too close yet again.

let us all let go of the past and put back on that childlike faith to love boldly once again. i am finding my way back to my first love, that is if i still remember the way. hopefully halfway, i will find someone that can lead me back there.



Sometimes When We Touch
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

i heart traveling

one weird night, ignoring the workload that is piling up, i indulged in cyber holiday-ing. i sat there and started googling places i can go if i do go korea. i found out that it can be quite fun even though it doesnt cost me a penny. this is the list of places i would like to go if im there.


1. Lotte world and take photo on the carrousel, scenes from stairways to heaven and many other korean series.


2. definitely drop by this one million USD house, made especially for the series full house. would be really nice if i can have a morning jog by the beach behind this house.

3. for food, i will probably visit the list of restaurants from my lovely sam-soon. the many sumptuous meals seem appetising. this list had been quite consistent in a few web links. so i guess if im feeling rich, i should drop by especially Top Cloud Bar & Grill. having dinner with a view overlooking seoul looks enticing.

4. korean bbq is a must.


5. the nanta show, was mentioned as one of the funniest eating experience.


6. would probably shop at apgujeong, itaewon, myongdong and namdaemun. imagine loads and loads of shops like this.

7. hot bath in one of those authentic traditional spa. since i had seen naked women in tokyo, i mind as well check out those in korea too.

8. skiing if im in a mood for new things.


9. find this little room in Muju Resort where Hye-Won (hye yuan) filled the whole ceiling with yellow roses, scenes from summer scent. by night i will walk to this field and probably dance on his feet. so it does mean i will go to this resort only if im bringing my next bf. if not i might skip this place, nothing much to do there except that.


10. dont think i will make my way to this island either but thought i should mention this. isnt this love-shape island quite a view? from the series spring waltz

---
one thing i just found out about seoul, the whole state doesnt have a proper address system. all web links will either insert map of their place or lengthy description of which exit to take from the train station and so on. very interesting. except for summer, every season sounds like a good time to visit korea. but i seriously love the white snowy look, not sure if i can stand that weather. cant wait to really step foot in this country.

how to fix those feelings?

we had a bgr session in cell this week. this is one thought which i think might be useful.
to kill another party feelings for you
to kill a girl feelings: tell her you will rather marry your best friend than her.
to kill a guy feelings: tell him he is such a good brother/friend.

other thoughts that spring up after that...
to kill feelings that you no longer want there
if you need to forget him: try developing feelings for another guy.
if you need to forget her: just hangout with your friends.

to avoid falling in love...
to him: dont focus on one guy, buzz different guys randomly when you know you start thinking of someone way too much.
to her: call her only when you run out of things to do, dont pick up her calls all the time and try not returning her calls.

---
as much as i thought i dont mind falling in love, i think i am too cautious to allow myself to do so.

'The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much' grey's

3 reasons to shed my tears

in the last week alone, 3 things made me shed some tears:
1. God's love, during communion in church
2. the unheard voices of the world, while watching blood diamond
3. a voice of hope, listening to obama's victory speech

faith, love and hope.
---
He wept

is it fame?

when i was younger, we always pass this little-autograph-book around. our friends will write forget-me-not poems, wishes and biodata. there is this one particular detail under biodata called best friends which i never dare put. ppl will list down their best friends, regardless it is not mutual. they dont even mind offending you by not putting your name while signing your book. i always wonder, how do ppl decide who-to-put-in or who-not-to-put-in.

i have this same feeling nowadays as i see ppl put links of their friends on their blog. who do you list out? all your friends? all your readers to pls them? ppl that actually blogs? my guess is that they will link blog that they follow closely for convenient sake. but as i surveyed a few blogs, i realised that is not necessary the case. then i see a trait. some ppl tend to add the so-called-famous into their link. it doesnt matter they only know each other over a party yesterday and it doesnt even matter they never get the blog address from that person itself. why would one put someone they barely know? is it to let that person know they have an intention to be closer? or it serves as a shoutbox to tell the world they are in some kind of clique with this so-called-famous? or is a hopeful wish that this so-called-famous will be nice and put your link in their blog... then you will be on-the-way-to-be-almost-famous? do you think we all have hidden motives? do you think little things like this define us? like at work and all... do we befriend ppl that are in some sort of status to make ourselves look good? am i trying to make a statement holding a cup of starbucks everyday? or using a mac or joining a gym?

sorry for the loads of questions. but i really find it ironic because we dont normally like ppl to judge-us-by-the-cover. yet we go great lengths to make that cover looks good. im in no position to judge because in facebook under this application top friends, i unconsciously committed the same offense -- i randomly added some and not the other. they are not really best friends per se, just maybe friends i hangout more closely with then, which is not even the case now. i vaguely remember i have to add the whole gang of friends while adding one because i do not want to offend anyone. maybe i think too much... as i normally do.

having said that, i am very honoured when ppl link me in their blog. whether it is because you are proud of me as your friend or just for convenient sake. but to date i still do not have the courage do so, maybe more than the fear of offending others the fear of judging my own motives.