people

i just came back from my church young adults camp.

the fact that i am there is a miracle in itself. i had not been to camp for ages, especially one that needs to leave the compound of my church. over the years, i somehow get a bit fearful of this idea of going for one. i didnt feel like packing my bag and heart to go to a foreign place and be drown with a speaker i barely know and make conversation with a bunch of ppl that i probably wont talk to after that. i didnt want to go gambling again that i may or may not encounter God. i didnt want to weary myself with all the above and very often chose not to go at all.

but i dunno is it because a whole bunch of the committee are my friends and i want to be supportive, or was it a nudge from God. i signed myself up, i made arrangements to make sure my sis sleep with me, actually to even make sure she will be in my games group but i failed to arrange the latter. i went with preparation that it might be difficult. i confess that the logos word has not awaken much within me. i only scarcely feel the tangible presence of God, much probably due to my lack of sleep and expectations. but somehow or not, i enjoyed the camp.

1. the first night, when i cry and cry without knowing why. i wasnt even responding to the speaker. it might be the fact that i am finally making baby steps to be part of this bigger community, or the thought that God has gracefully pull me through till today, or maybe even the simple gratitude that i am still a believer after all this. didnt really care which of the above is the reason, but i reckon some process of healing must be taking place.
2. the good mix of old friends, new crazy friends and weirdo to blame for those many continuous tearful laughters and increase of wrinkles. to say hi, smile, make conversations and putting names to faces that i have seen many times in that big auditorium of my church unknowingly gives me great satisfaction.
3. the 2 nights sleeping with my sister, is believed to be more than the total up conversations we made in the beginning of this year. definitely loads of bonding including sharing bathrooms, yes we have not grew out of that. the many gossips ended up to be probably most valuable lessons i get -- observing how love changes one girl who is deeply in love, witnessing a marriage proposal (the beauty in the words and commitment of the one who ask for the hand), how a girl handle herself around her ex with his new girlfriend, and so on. hearing the many drama of lives open my eyes to why ppl behave they way they do
4. seeing God works in a camp not like the way He used to do so create a bitter sweet feeling. that God might has change the pattern of how He does things make me even more fearful to tread on ministry ground again.
5. overcoming the fear of attending a camp (or not), actually from i-dunno-anyone to liking my games group was way beyond what i expect, touching/transferring a whole box worms during my games time must be one of the most fear-factor-ish thing i had ever done.

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i seriously forgotten what crippled me, when all this fear creep into me but the last few days i seem to be making discovery. may i find the cause and find freedom to them.