i am here

i didn't sleep.

i was hungry so i drank a packet of fresh milk.

i left my house at 6am.

i sang and i keep my brain working to keep myself awake.

i stopped at the first pit stop for loo and some stretching.

i am too tired i need to stop at the next pit stop to get a can of coffee.

i called a friend at 8.30 to keep myself awake.

i arrived safely, even though i was quite freak out by the two big truck accidents on the road. i actually bother to think of who i want to call and what i want to say. come to think about it, life might be more interesting if it is short :)

it wasn't such a long journey. i really enjoyed the sunrise. it was beautiful. a familiar route, a different journey.

hear my heart

i should be sleeping now, but a very large part of me didn't want to sleep.

i want to write something, not that i know exactly what but i have so much in my heart i want to share.

i felt that i share so much of His burden and am so close to God at this moment, yet i feel very lonely at the same time.

i am going only for two weeks plus, it seems so heavy to leave yet i want so much to leave.

i am looking forward for the long drive later, it seems like it had been quite a while since i last have some time all by myself.

---
a lot had happened the last few days:
1. steph had been coming to church with me for 2 months. i told myself i didn't want her to accept God because she is emotionally down. i want her to reason and think through it. it had been quite a while and i wanted to be very sure before i go. today i can be very sure, steph and her bf are now part of our family.
i can't tell you how touched i am talking to God in the morning before i meet them. as i went through with them the whole message. i find myself in such gratefulness and awe, i am ever more convinced of the message i hold on to. God will answer my prayer, He has die for my sins, He loves me whether or not i am a believer. but i become a Christian so that i may know that. that knowing make a great load of difference.
this morning i ask you, do you still remember the one you believe and this great message?

2. someone find me worthy to know his deepest darkest secrets. he shared with me what he didn't need to. my word to him is "no, i don't think of you any less. in fact i really look up to ppl who have the courage to share with me their real self."
i guess that is what i always wanted to see. that after all that i share, ppl will not be fearful to be who they are. i am beginning to see because i am not perfect, it allows ppl that are not perfect like me to open themselves to me. i can only say, today i saw someone being liberated. because both of us can come before God in our weaknesses.
today if you are tired of keeping things to yourself, you know you have me :)

3. "i know a lot of ppl don't really like him. but i really see a lot in him." since the day i met this person. God has change how i look at every person that walk pass my life. i know not everyone will believe i feel this way for them, and i know even that person himself don't. i actually believe that there is some good left in dan scott. so it must be true when i say i believe in you.
the good thing about this is, i am at the verge of tears to know the so-much-more and hope that God has for each of us. it is beautiful. the sad thing is, it really aches my heart when i know that the person don't think likewise. i really am not asking for anything when i say this. i can't help feeling this hope for people around me nowadays. anyway, you can take me for what i say or not, but i need to say it just one more time.
i really believe in you and i trust that heart of yours.


there is a secret desire though, i wonder if there is anyone in this world who see the same in me? someone that see this hope that God sees in me? someone that actually trust this heart of mine?

---
i didn't know this entry will take so long. my heart is really heavy right now. i don't think i got the time to sleep... i got to start driving so that i get there before noon.

this is the second time i am driving down alone. the first time i know who and what was waiting for me, this time i am driving down not knowing who and what is waiting for me. somehow i feel that i am driving into a new day. i am not sure you get me but enjoy your day while i enjoy the sun rise in front of me.

someone is watching my back

p: why you never follow us go clubbing anymore?
cy: yah daniel, why you never bring me anymore?
d: erm, she is a good girl. i only bring her for movies and yam cha.

after that question, i made the second attempt to Loft with him again yesterday. yes, i enter the place like a VIP as usual as if i am walking on a red carpet cause this dear friend of mine knows everyone from the bouncers to the managers to the waiters. we sat at the very same table we sat the last time, according to him that table is his every weekend. right in the middle of the night he came over.

d: where did you go just now?
cy: i went to the loo.
d: next time you must tell me where you go. this kind of place is not as simple as you think it is. (ok now i feel like i am 16 years old). and if you don't like those guys touching you, stand away from them.
cy: yes, i already did. (ok now, i need to move even further cause that guy is walking to where i am. let me find a sit at the corner then. this is where it leads to another highlight* of the night)
d: that is why i don't want to bring you go clubbing. i am very worried for you, i need to keep looking out for you. don't think i am not watching, i can see every move of yours and every guy that come close to you.

i haven't even mention, the node i need from him to try the tequila shot, and how he stopped the guy that offered me the second shot. i think have not given him the title in vain. honestly not that he knows i gave him that title, not sure what more he will do if i do. i mean he is more protective of me than a bf hahaha.

---
* another conversation with c. it is him that asked me the question from case 3. yes i did promise not to say i-am-not-ready again. but guess i gave my worst answer yesterday.

c: so why is d not the kind of guy.
cy: just not.
c: why? why? tell me why.
cy: erm... maybe i have someone in mind. (after i said that, i think 'shit'. why did i say that? was i just trying to stop him from asking? arghh whatever. i had said it, i am lazy to revert what i said.)

looking back at the times we shared

looking back to the times we shared,
i was trying to be someone...

i had been singing the two lines since the day i heard it on radio yesterday. i had tried searching from the web and asked a few ppl. i still can't figure out who sang this and what is the title of the song. can anybody help me with this? it is definitely from one of those boy band.

bye sam, i am leaving before you

after this entry i was really thinking hard that night. i need to earn quick money - for my new Macbook, wanderlust, bills and new indulgence. i woke up 6am in the morning and typed a few emails to my contact in singapore.

i was prepared to stay there and packed in as many jobs in the next few months. shirley did asked me to go back to singapore to work last year. she said the new environment will be good for me but i wasn't ready to go. i guess it is true i was holding on to some hope that things might get better if i stay. i was wrong and probably it would had been better if i had not.

anyway these are some of the reasons why i am willing to go now:
1. it makes no different if i am here or not. i talk to ppl mostly on msn. those ppl that i don't meet, they won't notice i am away anyway. at least i feel better that it is not that ppl didn't call, it is they cannot contact me.
2. i am not passionate about the things that brought me back to kl anymore.
3. i kind of miss the thrills of staying up late and working my ass off. being pushed to deliver and staying in the office till late nights. yes call me workacholic... i need to feel young again.
4. sam, my dvd series companion will be leaving for his further studies. steph, my best company is happily attach.
5. ... i want to be lost in that city for a while.

so here is my last week in kl, i am going back to my homeland. will be back probably by chinese new year. sometimes i think i am pretty cool when i make abrupt departure like that.


while most photographers want me to poss for nice pretty photos, i just want to take some wild cool photos haha. yah i think i look cool up there :)

phílos: friend, or lover and sophía: wisdom

i paint this during my second semester in college.

why am i studying greeks philosophy? probably i am searching for the logos (word) which also mean knowledge, wisdom, reason, logic... just like what the greek philosophers were doing in their days.

In the beginning was the Word, the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
He was in the beginning with God.
All things was made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made...

that we may know that the creation was not just a splash of beautiful accidents. it was done with much thoughts and calculation. don't even start to think that we found some new wisdom or new methods now. He has been here since the beginning.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us...

He is not just a great idea but He became flesh that we may know as well that it is not just an airy fairy thing but He is here.

just because we heard that it is a mystery and not seek to understand, that is ignorance.
with much of that we will no longer know what we believe in.
with much search and study if we still could not comprehend.
that is when it leaves us in awe of God, without searching we will never come to this point.

---
we women are not asking that you understand us but we love it when you want to know us :)

hope

maybe dan scott does love both his sons.
maybe rachel is just too insecure.
maybe peyton really didn't betray her.
maybe lucas does want her back.

ok... or maybe not. ppl are just all selfish. maybe they will never change.

the problem with always believing in the good of ppl is, you open your heart and allow ppl another chance to disappoint you again. the pain is going to be more painful because you will scold yourself for being so stupid to be fooled again. a lot of ppl rather stay on the safe side. but what is the hope we live on for if we don't believe. i mean we ourselves are living everyday on second chance. after all the evil things he had done again and again after 3 season of One Tree Hill, i still actually believe that maybe dan scott really do want to make things right in his life. call me crazy or stupid. the 22 episodes seem so short, i wished that our life issues can be dealt with in four days like the speed that i watched them.

---
on the other hand, the relationships issues become so petty in compare to jack bauer saving america again. he had never failed anyone in the 5 seasons. he always delivers. that is why ppl put their lives, careers and families at stake to support his decisions each time. sometimes you wonder is there someone in this world that you trust so much? the 4 episodes seem so long, you feel that there is a lot you can do in a day and every decision you make in the second is critical.

rising above our fear

"we might had failed the test but we don't need a paper test to tell us how much we love each other. we might have our differences but you must know we both fought very hard for our relationship to work and i think that is because we love each other." nathan the man



x: sometimes i look at past relationships and why they broke down, sorta also realised that at that break down point, i didn't have the maturity to handle the situation and prolly wasn't ready to deal w such scenarios in a relationship
cy: we will all never be ready. after my 4th bf, i was single for 4-5 years. i kind of think i can do that again. i don't want to go through the pain again, don't want to feel... but i told myself if the next guy come around, i cannot allow this fear to stop me. in life we will always have issues thus we will never be ready. we just need someone that will come along that want to deal on these issues with us. our whole marriage is about that.

for example, i have the fear of writing because i do not have a good command of the language and all the current miscommunication doesn't help. when i started this blog i didn't really expect everyone to read everything i write. i mean my words are all over the place, it might be too long and bad grammars that might be disturbing to some. i am still editing my post post every now and then but since i started blogging, i gained back the confidence to share and write. today, i am really quite proud of myself when you guys tell me you like to read them. life is not about hiding your weaknesses and doing what you are good at so that you feel all good about yourself. life is more than that, it is about being free from this fear that so often grip you. i hate to say this: but things you don't like about your life, it always come back again and again until you rise up and deal with it.

---
i took four days to finish my One Tree Hill - Season Three. i am very please with the ending, not sure is it because they all do not just move around changing partners to get their problem solve like any other movies but they know who they love and they fixed it. might be afraid to watch Season Four though, what if all the relationships fall apart again. but come to think about it, an unsuccessful courtship is not a failure but undealt with issues are. i will watch on because i have faith in this director, One Tree Hill is all about resolving issues in life and it will be a happy ending whether or not the couples stick together. it is about having that peace with all those around you and i think it will not fail me.

sometimes it is better not to know the numbers

i was doing my accounts to file my income tax and i don't like what i found out. for 2006 i made:

RM10,000

less than last year

and it was not good i was spending much more than before. how did i do that?
- travelled more
- signed up for gym and spa
- indulged for liquor
---
someone told me a month after her break up, she said it is expensive. i didn't think much about it. should had gone for an europe trip. then again, not that i have more savings in 2005. so whatever.

the thrills continue

just a few things:

1. i like brooke really a lot. she is such a girl. i still don't understand why is it so difficult to understand a girl? they are just so simple.

2. too many good one liners. looks like the girls are all those that fight for the relationship this season. the guys are really cool with some of the behind the scene things but they really need to learn to speak up.

3. now... we are only half way there. everyone is together again. yes all the miscommunication are settled. i am so happy for all of them but this is not good. i mean if they are not together yet, there will be chance they will get back together. but if they are already together there might be chance they will not be at the end.

who cares.
someone once said, do not let the past torment you because it is no longer here or the future worries you because it is not here yet. enjoy every moment you have now while it is still here.

---
day 2 - and i am done with 11 episode. yah i am watching it with very a free person like me.

i want to know you

i know i had ask this before. i had tried once and again. but i am going give this one last try. i really want to know you who is reading this blog. it will be really nice if you could:
- leave your name or nick. you can leave your link too if you want
- tell me what you do for a living
- mention where you are from
- what you like to read on my blog MOST?
1. bgr: boy girl relationship real issues, love philosophy and theories
2. reflection: things i see and how i relate it with my life
3. confession: my struggle and transparency of life
4. His voice: my devotion and how i relate it with my life
5. to know how i am
6. everything... you really really cannot choose one (fine! but guess i am fine then... i wasn't too depressing. ppl loves it)
7. ... (fill in the blanks)

i really want to know because a lot of ppl told me that my blog is very depressing and i talk a lot about love. but then again those are the entries that cause a lot of you to come back and read it isn't it? btw i had always been writing for ppl to read that some may understand. in a way i was writing the heart of many unspoken hearts. i had been really honest with you, i had spilled my life to you. i just wish that you tell me a little about what you think.

---
my faithful reader. will be updating this list:
1. dejelly, chaiyen's blog reader, pj, 1
2. fay, coffeenator, kl, 6
3. shups!, non-profit work, singapore, 6 and 'generally kaypoh'.
4. paolin, blog reader, perth, 3
5. sam, business student, soontobe sydney, 6 specially the third.
6. anobech, mum, melbourne, 5 and pat
7. anna, *, kl, 5
8. steph, *, sj, 5 and know about herself
9. sharon, lawyer, singapore, 5
10. teddyguy, *, *, 2
11. martin, art director, kl, 3
12. yanlin, *, singapore, *
13. steph sung, contract specialist, singapore, 5
14. tze teng, business student, kl, because it is about you
15. tracie, housewife, taiwan, *
16. felix, biz student/freelance jingle composer/guitar teacher, KL, 6
17. jon, ChaiYen's blog reader and my blog reader is ChaiYen, Taiping currently in KL, 1 and 3
18. elaine, the mysterious muddling maze of media, singapore, 5 and do not like no 1
19. shirley and howe, *, singapore, we love you
20. pauleon, dr-to-be, from KL to Singapore, 6

* = haven't answer the question

honestly i have an average of 70 hits a day. to do the maths they are at least 20-30 ppl visiting my blog. why do they not want me or other ppl know that they are reading my blog. still thinking... had been thinking for a while.

emotional thrills

someone ask me this:
you like feeling the pain don't you? so that you can still feel yourself. that is why you don't want to let go and make yourself go through this.



i really dunno, i really like watching all these drama series. go through the emotional roller coaster. cry and cry till i need to drink a big gulp of water to breathe properly again. and yes i am doing it again. welcome to a whole new season of crying. i just did 6 cds in one sitting of one tree hill - season 3. i really like this series a lot because it shows the good in every person. the real struggles in each of their heart.

she loves him and is willing to lose herself to have him.
he loves her and want her to find herself than to be with her.

she loves him but she flirts with loads of guys so that he will fight for her.
he loves her but played her game to make her jealous to know that she loves him.

hmm... why can't ppl just sit down and deliver what their heartfelt really is. it is one big mess when you keep guessing each other intention. but then again i guess without stories like that you won't have drama series anymore.

let me bring you behind the camera

there are a few things i need to clarify here about my writing.

1. if you have known me long enough, i do always talk about relationship. i mean ask alvin? what is my favourite question even when i was attached. it has nothing to do with him.

2. regarding the blog entry i cried two nights out of 3. i cried more because my friends didn't understand me. remember i cry easily and in this case, point #4, #5 and #9 triggers it. it is not all about him.

3. and finally if this is what you want to know. i am not sure if i am totally over him because for goodness sake i had not interact with him for ages. after i become friends with him again, i'll tell you.

---
sorry like i said. i don't like to be misunderstood thus i need to clarify. i am very bad at communication and i do always leave room for ppl to get me wrong but at least i am always sharing with you how i feel. and to him, sorry for picking of you so many times in this entry. it has nothing to do with you hehe. man i think i am getting pretty cute. there is something about the freedom of writing.

great love

love will be over in 2 months.

big love can grow to 2 years.

great love they change your life.

go for it, your odds go up when you file an application.

---
when great love is rejected. something in a man dies. all he can do is run away where he can find a girl he can love second most.

from the movie Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!

i can't start my engine for 2007

what had i done the whole week:
had been reading the Philosophy for Understanding Theology book by Diogenes Allen.
- i have to say it does really open my eyes to many things. a lot of unlearning to do. made me really humble not to grasp God fully. but i am not giving up, need to have a discipline of theology.
- Ron Choong my si fuh said this when we were doing our skype sessions with him
we are not proclaiming because we understand what we proclaimed
we are proclaiming what God said
we are learning to understand what we proclaimed
don't stop proclaiming, don't stop understanding

watched A Night in the Museum for 3 times.
- the third time i watched the movie, the guy asked me this "so you watched the show 3 times with 3 different guy?". "ermm, tehnically you are right, but the second time i watched it with a group of ppl". the first time i was helping him kill time, the second time they got extra ticket and i was bored, the third time i just wanted to keep him company. but most important of all, i never pay for any of the tickets :)

sleep and really sleep.
- i used to tell ppl when i was younger my hobby (something i do when i am free) is to sleep. i had been sleeping till my little sis leaves for her afternoon school. i had been taking afternoon naps in between and before my dinner. well i think reading that philosophy book does the magic, i mean that book is heavy... i need to read every sentence and paragraph again.



honestly it is not because i got nothing to do, i've got work pilling up:
1. i need to close my 2006 accounts for income tax
2. i need to backup all my work for 2006 and label them
3. i need to update my website
4. i need to look for new jobs to clear my next month bills

alternatively...

like someone puts it, i need to work on my big project: find a husband

hello

i cannot believe he* called. after one whole day, a lot of things ran through my mind. as i sit here and type this, i still don't believe he called.

why didn't he call me earlier? i wanted so much to talk to him 4 months ago. i know that we can salvage the relationship then. i was on his side but now i don't know anymore. a lot of things had change.

why is he so desperate now? is it true that guys like to fight for girl that belongs to someone else? they don't really know what they really want when she is by your side, right?

why does he want to do changes only when he gets a hint he has a chance? i am so not going to tell him. can't you let go anything for the one you claim you really love? can you not just fight for her or at least show some sincerity that she is the one you want for the rest of your life?


© All rights reserved. photograph by anna.

*he = the ex bf of a friend

now all 4 of you need to sit down and think properly
1. he needs to know whether he really likes her or the other girl. you do not married someone just to patch things up.
2. she needs to know who she really love. being with the new him does not mean that you are being fair to him. love is not charity, that is why i said at many times it is beyond commitment. the latter him do not want to be your second choice, think properly who is your first choice.
3. his new girl need to decide if the guy really loves her. only she can tell. why hold on to a man whose heart is not yours?
4. to you, whatever reason you choose to start this relationship in the first place? you know there will be a storm, now is the real test. just know that whatever the outcome is... it is for the best.

sometimes we ask is relationship complicated or we complicate relationship. why don't you guys resolve things when there were much simpler? sigh. these was the route you chose to take. the next decision will lead you to quite another journey. all the best to all four of you.

she needs to know:
- i am not on anyone side. the choice is ultimately yours. i will stand by you no matter what your decision is.
- i didn't tell him* to give up or go for it eventhough i was very tempted to do so. i had learned not to intrude another person relationship. i will let both of you sort things out yourselves.

for you:
- i told him, you are a nice guy.
- if you really love her, do what you need to do.
---
all the text above are written by permission.

a lesson to start the year

i was at poppy on new year's eve with my cousin's friends. dancing, drinking and counting down as usual. the normal night scene except that ppl are more active tonight than any other nights. i was sitting at one corner just observing the ppl around me, i saw ppl one by one fell around me because they were too drunk to walk. i saw guys dancing crazily and slowly made their ways close to girls to take advantage of them. but above all, this is the most captivating scene--i saw the whole process of a guy picked up a total stranger from the next table. they drank, they cheers, they laughed, they intro, they talked, they danced, their hugged, their hands all over each other, they kissed. i couldn't believe it. everyone eyes were on them. everyone is signalling to each other "free show". of course i do not need to think was the guy thinking. i was just thinking what was she thinking?

did she want to show people she is attractive and sexy? so lucky of that guy that managed to make his way to her tonight? or she is just aroused tonight, since we both need it. we can do a quick fix now.
anyway he was too drunk to talk to her later, he just sat there in pain while she goes back to her group. they didn't even get each other contact... so that's it huh? i have to say i think this is worst than a player. this is really getting a prostitute for a night isn't it? anyway, i heard that things like that happened all the time but this is the first time i see it right before my eyes. honestly i still cannot believe it.

the question to myself is, will i one day actually end up there? i mean how can i be in the world and not of the world? how do i spent my time with my friends and not be part of that cultural?

For since the the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their follish hearts were darkened... (romans1.20-21)
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledgee, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things that are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness,... who, knowing the righteous judgement of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.(romans1.28-32)

what is the deciding factor?
the moment i struggle but i accept them and not condemn them that is showing grace.
the moment i struggle but still sin that is asking for mercy.
the moment i no longer struggle but accept all these as normal that is when i approve of it.
the moment i no longer struggle but doing because everyone is doing it that is when i am not apologetic about it.

i do not pray that you should take them out of the world, but that you should keep them from the evil one.. and for their sakes i sanctify myself, for they also may be sanctified by the truth. (john17.15-19)

sanctify = free of sin

if i want to hangout with the wolves i need to be strong in the truth. i am doing the book of romans, desiring to understand the real meaning of salvation in depth and hopefully from there as well grasp how i can be in the world and yet not of the world.

it is just a train of thoughts. for now don't worry hehehe, i am going out with friends that really take care of me... they always make sure how much i can drink, they do not simply put their hands around me and they make sure i get home safely.

vanity

© All rights reserved by BluIncMedia.

didn't really like my hairdo but i look alright. for your pleasure :)

the last 12 days

241206
christmas eve. met three new friends from singapore. dinner at williams and countdown at laundry.

251206
after christmas service i went movie with daniel... can't believe he made me meet his parents for lunch but they were pretty cool so i am ok. with my new friends again for dinner at ss2 and luna bar at night. honestly the place is too beautiful. i really wonder why am i there with these two guys i hardly know. i mean i had a great night with them but i will make a trip back again when i find someone special. a place worthy to be shared with someone more than friends.

261206
with my new friends for dinner at dragon i, met more new friends. they bought the january female magazine because i am in it. yes i am in pg131!

271206
a meeting with fei meng. preparation for her wedding.

281206
sat in a office the whole day to print all the paperwork for fei meng's wedding.

291206
met some of my kids at one u. did my free spa manicure, very nice place. quickly packed and rushed to malacca for fei meng's pre wedding dinner.

301206
very fun 'chip san leong' (translation=picking up the bride) ceremony. followed by a whole day of liaising with the hotel and rehersals for dinner. a lot, a lot of yam sengs at night.

311206
john's open house. his friends said his room is the kind of room girls will die to be his gf, i have to agree with that haha. poppy for countdown with my cousin and friends.

010107
angie and ashley's wedding. at a very nice place where i had my fiagra experience.

020107
took a lift from my cousin to singapore. met a lot of ppl for dinner. i am always amazed by the amount of ppl that turned up eventhough it is last minute. welcomed by a beautiful bouquet of flower by steph sung. howe and shirley gave me a lift back, you know it is always a good time to remind me how special i am. found out that i had someone top up my hp credit so that he can call me. stayed over at elaine's place and had a bit more talking with her over the night.

030107
collected my passport. renewed my posb bank book. went to take a look at my cousin's house. bumped into my ex editor while looking for her house so i sat down and had a drink. went to true spa for foot reflex, courtesy of alvin. a meal with him before he gave me a lift to kranji. talk about being a princess for a day you know singapore is the place.

040107
met justin for movie.

---
there must be a reason why my voice is not back yet... too many yam sengs and countdowns. had been playing this song on my itunes again and again since i know it from the preparation for fei meng and chak leong's wedding. you must be wondering why do someone play such a song for a wedding but then again maybe this song has a special meaning to them. of course it is not the key song, just one that caught my attention. they were in a relationship for 10 years before they broke off. he kind of had enough of her but came back because he felt that he can't go on without her so he proposed. she must be tough at times but he loves her. so the wedding was pretty touching for some of us that had seen them together since high school.

for your pleasure, listen to the lyrics line by line :)

here is the lyrics.