credit list 2006

to my complain group, without you i'll die speechless:
chris wee, sam wee, jon ng

to my working partners, to whom labour with me till late night:
chris chew, michelle proctor

to my late nights buddies, without you all my working nights wouldn't be that enjoyable:
edmund kee, robin lai, ying

to my part-time boyfriends, for your company over lunch, dinner and movies. thank you for taking care of me, fetching me around and paying all the bills. with you guys around who needs a boyfriend:
justin, daniel tan

to my family, to whom i know always stand by me and understand me. thanks for showering me with love i never give and making me feel so special all the time:
shirley bong, yong howe, elaine ho, alvin lim, ps lee choo

to my life partners, for sharing your life with me this year:
anna, fei meng, sien lee

and to you:

photo by anna

steph

you had been all the above to me this year. this year had been difficult for both of us when God took away what matters the most to both of us. the fact that i can sit where you sit because i understand how you feel makes me feel that all i went through this year is worthwhile. the thought of all that happened this year leads to your salvation cause me to be at the verge of tears. those words that you echo me touched my heart "no matter what your choice are, i will support you", "we will be here for you", "let's walk thru this journey together". i know they always said it is easier to be just friends than to live together but all the travel trips we had this year cause me to realise that i enjoy living with you.

i know i had told you this but i need to let the whole world know this. if there is a 'best friend award', i will surely give it to you. honestly if i am a man, i think i had found the one i can live with forever. thank you for this year.

---
and to all you out there, do not feel any less. i know if time and space allow us, you will love me as much since i am so lovable.

i was looking for love, not to realise it has always been around me

christmas eve

this christmas morning, i can't open my eyes like i used to every morning. my bottom and top eyelashes stuck together, it is scary. i am scared... not only that i lost my voice. then i remembered what happened the night before. so i went and took some water and wet both my eyes slowly to removed the dried liquid around my lashes. i can see again.

it is the first time in my life there are liquid that come out from my right eye. i still had not figure out whether it is because i rubbed my eyes too much, contact lense or they are just too tired. but no kidding the liquid just keep coming out the whole day. i named this sickness after weng onn "weng onn's eyes" because he had that all the time. my friend name it 'eye flu' because like running nose it is really irritating but it will heal with much rest. i still remember at some point it was so difficult to drive because for a while my whole right eye will be covered by that liquid and i can't see with my right eye. the side of my eye has a crack because i keep drying my eye yesterday... ouch. but i have to say this is really quite an experience.

the part about me losing my voice is just simple, i am already having sore throat but i top it up by spending the night at laundry. as usual being the talkative me i need to shout to make myself be heard. and to end the night off, i need to shout for the countdown that i never had for quite a while. why didn't i the last few years? oh i was at home... like i told someone christmas had never been very memorable for me.

i will tell you more about my dates (yes plural) this christmas eve, but i need to go rest now. for those of you that are faraway, i know you want to buy me a christmas present very much because i had been so nice but to make it simple for you just uphold me in prayer. for this season i better not watch any korean series... better not cry anymore if not i might have a korean series ending, the girl normally get blind haha!

living a celebrity life

Newborn, originally uploaded by annaiam. photograph by anna

i have to say life had been pretty cool having a photographer around me all the time. it is like every significant moment in my life are no longer just memories but recorded down. isn't that just sweet. anyway that is baby brandon, he is only two days old but look at the amount of hair on his head. he is the joy of one of my thursday bunch girls.

what's with me and babies this year, my goodness i am seeing a whole new generation of kids birth in front of me everday.
---

i had been having sore throat, running nose and cough since i came back from bangkok. the latter had remained and got worst. so bad till i was woken up now at such ungodly hours. it is not that bad in the day compared to the night. maybe i just need to sit up to sleep. let me go try it out now :) good night.

i cried 2 nights out of 3

Seated, originally uploaded by annaiam. photograph by anna

i am only here for 3 nights and i cried for two nights. i once told someone this, if you are hurt just cry... cause if you have not cry enough after 10 years the same wound will still haunt you. looks like i had not really cry enough.

they scolded me i need to let go. i really dunno what to say anymore. what else can i do? i am already not initiating any conversations. i am already meeting more guys than i had in years. does it really mean i need to get a bf to make you believe i know he will not come back to me.

they gave me 101 reasons why he doesn't love me anymore. these are just some of them:
1. if he does, he would have come back already. the theory is if a guy doesn't come back after 3 months, he wouldn't.
2. if he really likes me, no one will be able to talk him out of pursuing me again.
3. if he really does he would had given me a chance to change whatever he doesn't like about me.
4. if he really does he would had sit down and talk it out with me what we both can do.
5. if he really does, he wouldn't be cruel to me.

ok point taken, i know he will not come back but that doesn't mean i need to be cruel to tell him i know that.

these are things i am recommended to do:
1. lower down my expectations of a bf
a. good looking: "i don't really look for gorgeous guys, just average looking only." "no, i think all your ex bfs are pretty good looking" one of them stated. blessed are you if you were once my boyfriend haha... :)
b. someone that loves God: well someone that loves God will love me too, this is pretty hard to explain.
c. romantic/caring/thoughtful/sensitive: why 4 words because even our walking dictionary cannot find a word that fully describes it. i had always use the word romantic and probably a lot of ppl think i am just asking too much, how can a guy drop me a surprise every month. i will give one more attempt to explain this, it is just simply one that wants to take care of me and make efforts to see me smile.
i am not being picky but i had not meet one that i can love yet. is it so easy to find someone you love? if so? why should you feel special when i say 'i love you'. but yes girls, i will not do this anymore ok.
2. stop waiting, hoping or crying and get a new guy soon
i had been going out with a lot of guys. so much so i had crash dates. i brought two guys for drunk before dawn - the musical, one on my left and the other on my right (that was tough, i promise i will never do that again). i cannot fully promise you the rest but i want you to know i know he is not coming back. i am still waiting but i know he is not the one i will see.

---
still playing this song on my itunes over and over again. i know my expectations might be unrealistic to many, but i am still waiting for a day a man that will come up to me and says he will love and take care of me. that he wants to be that prince in the fairytale that i embrace.

a whole day of photo shoot in thailand

:), originally uploaded by annaiam. photograph by anna

my selected bangkok photos. i know i look good, but a good photographer makes me look even more good.

relationships

The pure relationship, how beautiful it is! How easily it is damaged, or weighed down with irrelevancies--not even irrelevancies, just life itself, the accumulations of life and of time. For the first part of every relationship is pure, whether it be with friend or lover, husband or child. It is pure, simple and unencumbered. It is like the artist's first version before he has to discipline it into form, or like the flower of love before it has ripened to the firm but heavy fruit of responsibility. Every relationship seems simple at its start. The simplicity of first love, or friendliness, the mutuality of first sympathy seems, at its initial appearance--even if merely in exciting conversation across a dinner table--to be a self-enclosed world. Two people listening to each other, two shells meeting each other, making one world between them. There is no others in the perfect unity of that instant, no other people or things or interests. It is free of ties or claims, unburdened by responsibilities, by worry about the future or debts to the past.

And then how swiftly, how inevitably the perfect unity is invaded; the relationship changes; it becomes complicated, encumbered by its contact with the world. I believe this is true in most relationships, with friends, with husband or wife, and with one's children. But it is in marriage relationship in which the changing pattern is shown up most clearly because it is the deepest one and the most arduous to maintain; and because, somehow, we mistakenly feel the failure to maintain its exact original pattern is tragedy.

It is true, of course, the original relationship is very beautiful. Its self-enclosed perfection wears the freshness of a spring morning. Forgetting about the summer to come, one often feels one would like to prolong the spring of early love, when two people stand as individuals, without past or future, facing each other. One resents any change, even though one knows that transformation is natural and part of the process of life and its evolution. Like its parallel in pysical passion, the early ecstatic stage of a relationship cannot continue always at the pitch of intensity. It moves to another phase of growth which one should not dread, but welcome as one welcomes summer after spring. But there is also a dead weight accumulation, a coating of false values, habits and burdens which blight life. It is this smothering coat that needs constantly to be stripped off, in life as well as in relationships.

Both men and women feel the change in the early relationship and hunger for nostalgically for its original pattern as life goes on and becomes more complicated. For evitably, as the relationship grows, both men and women, at least at some degree, are drawn into their more specialized and functional roles: man, into his less personal work in the world; woman, into her traditional obligations with family and household. In both fields, functional relationships tend to take the place of the early all-absorbing personal one...

But though both men and women are absorbed in their specialized roles and each misses something of the early relationship, there are great differences in their needs. While man, in his realm, has less chance for personal relations than woman, he may have more opportunity for giving himself creatively in work. Woman, on the other hand, has more chance for personal relations, but these do not give her a sense of her creative identity, the individual who has something of her own to say or to give. With each partner hungry for different reasons and each misunderstanding the other's needs, it is easy to fall apart or into late love affairs. The temptation is to blame the situation on the other person and to accept the easy solution that a new and more understanding partner will solve everything.

... But can the pure relationship of the sunrise shell be refound once it has become obscurred? Obviously some relationships cannot be recovered. It is not just a question of different needs to be understood and filled. In their changing roles the two patners may have grown in different directions or at a different rates of speed... It was an end in itself and not a foundation for a deeper relation. In a growing relationship, however, the original essence is not lost but merely buried under the impedimenta of life. The core of reality is still there and needs only to be uncovered and reaffirmed.

(if you don't like long blog, start here)
... Perhaps, as Auden says in his poem, this is a fundamental error in mankind.

For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.

"It is alright to wish to be loved alone," he said, "mutuality is the essence of love. There cannot be others in mutuality. It is the time-sense that it is wrong. It is when we desire continuity of being loved alone that we go wrong." For not only do we insist on believing romantically in the "one-and-only"--the one-and-only love, the one-and-only mate, the one-and-only mother, the one-and-only security--we wish that "one-and-only" to be permanent, ever present and continuous. The desire of being-loved-alone seems to me "the error bred in the bone" of man.

from the book Gift of the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh
---
as in any relationships, we as a person too need some time alone. that in quiet place we may find ourselves once again. may you find that secret place before the year end that you may embrace all relationships in its purest form in the year ahead.

I remember i once said to you that with all i have, i want to see the image of Christ in you. to see the beauty and the glory of God formed in you. today, i want to renew that promise to you. for it is an eternal promise.

i sleep like a baby through the night

there was a book i read about courtship very long ago. it mentioned do not plan or discuss anything too far ahead because it hurts when you don't get there and those memories linger.

1. do not plan your wedding date, eg: 7 july 2007
2. do not plan a particular place you want to have your wedding
3. do not plan the names of your kids
4. do not plan your next year trip
5. do not imagine the morning sunrise you will see together on mount k

---
every once in a while, i will have difficutly to sleep. either i am too tired and my brain cannot stop functioning or i am too free and i took too many naps in the day time. i have a technique to make myself sleep instead of toss and turn on my bed. i normally hug my smaller bolster i had since i was 8. i will try not to move, put a big bolster very close to one side of my body. why do i do that?

this reminds me why. i went to visit baby samuel yesterday. after playing with him for a long while - he talked 'in his own language', he laughed, he crawled for 1cm or more - he got tired, he wants to sleep. he will cry for a long while everytime he wants to sleep because he wants to be carried but we refused to pamper him. but then i can't bear seeing him cry so i put a pillow very close to his side, i rubbed his hand to remind him i am still around. he really stopped crying, faster than i can imagine and soon fell asleep. i guessed that pillow is like a hug to remind you someone is near.

i ask myself way?
i sleep like a baby through night
maybe it helps to know
you'll be there tomorrow

we could be in love by lea salonga and brad kane

my childhood prince charming

i used to think the both of them look really good. i think that was the time i begin to fancy shoulder length hair guys.

i used to think if i got the money, i want to go for their live concert. the passion of bon jovi throughout his whole concert and that cool deep voice of kurt cobain.

i looked at both of them... i was not sure if i miss their songs or i miss the days of my youth but i walked out with both of their cds.

kurt cobain, nirvana – come as you are


bon jovi – livin' on a prayer

you are worthy, love who you are

i just watched The Joy Luck Club again. i wanted the dvd in the first place was to remind me this lesson but i think it slipped my mind. so now is the time to refresh my memory.

she is meeting her ex husband tonight. she don't know if she is still hoping for something but her mum knows.

"why do you still want to make this pie for him? you think he will see the pie and feel sorry for you – for taking you for granted? when you give him a gift why do you have to beg him to have it. he will take you more for granted. you need to know what you are worth."

she loves him. very much. even though her act of love go unnoticed. it is ok, to her that is the selfless way. as she tried harder and harder she didn't know she is giving up more and more of herself. she became the "yes woman". she has no more opinion of her own left, all she wants is for him to be happy. but that is not what his husband wants, he cannot bear staying with her anymore.

we live in a world where divorce is a norm. how do we keep a long lasting relationship if no one will give way? if both stayed head strong it will explode, if only one party give in it will still fall apart. i guess it is really difficult isn't it? the fear that it will fall apart gripped us and makes it even more hard to sustain a relationship. why is this movie so beautiful? because all the good intentions are make known. sometimes that is all you want, that the person you love know how much you really care.

he knows she found herself again when she said this:
"it was not your fault. i was the one that let you know my love is not good enough for you. that your love is worth more than mine. i was wrong."

a diamond is actually just another stone, it doesn't has any good value but it is us women that give worth to it. when we know we are worth something, that is when ppl can begin to value us once again. remember the person who chose you, he loves who you are in the first place. so make sure you do not lose yourself in the process.

good morning

i woke up.

i read something.

i cried.

i felt that no one can put those words together better than her.






i just want you to know it was hard to let go, but i think that is the best way out. thanks for letting me find myself again.

that was really nice but don't like me

man: i know i will never be the person inside your heart. i just want to love you and be there for you. i am really happy for you if you can be with that someone you love and hopefully loves you the same too. if he hurt or fail you, remember you can always call me. you will always have a place inside my heart.

woman: i will never accept him, but that is the sweetest thing a person ever said and honestly i feel really secure because i know no matter what happen i have a special place in someone's heart. isn't that what every girl long for? but then of course we are a bit picky. we just want a place in that someone's heart.


CASE 1
cy: don't like me. i am not ready for a relationship and i do not want to be in a long distance relationship.
y: thanks for telling me dat!!! now that i talk to u so often on the msn... honestly do you think i have any motive talking to you?
cy: i would like to think no but i am sure you come online more than you used to
y: yes, i do. in all sincerity... i really do enjoy talking to u. i mean its really strange. btw i like challenge, i like hard to get girls :)

CASE 2
a: i lost a lot of weight already, give me a few more months i will have the body of your ex bf.
cy: no, pls don't try. don't work out for me, work out for yourself.

CASE 3
c: do you need him to be a christian if he (d) wants to court you?
cy: (i look at d) no, i won't be with him in the first place.
d: *laughed*

i had been going out with a lot of people and probably some girls will scold me for being stupid for saying any of the above... "why do you burn your own bridges, no harm having guys go after you" or "why ru so picky? he has got everything the look and the money." i had told them not to waste their time, i mean remember guys only talk when they are interested. i am happy to be your friends. of course if you still want to like me, i am honoured to be your choice. to be honest, it does feel good to be desired again eventhough i don't intend to jump into any now. i do enjoyed being fetched around, not paying for anything the whole night, and getting all the attention. i mean i am a girl after all :)

---
TIPS: for girls that are looking for good man.
1. y is a really nice guy. romantic both with words and action. i would say he has his ways around girls.
2. a can do anything for you, even if it means going to the gym... i am sure he will do a lot more. surely a gentleman.
3. d is a gentleman, good looking and big time in his career.

DISCLAIMER: i would like to think that none of them had any motives for treating me nice. i just want to caution them not to even start thinking since they are such nice guys.

A SECRET: "i am not ready" is such a good excuse for turning a guy down. honestly, i might suddenly be ready when i meet the right guy haha.

more than finishing the race but the journey

the year is coming to an end, people are beginning to ask me how is my year.

i used to feel that God allowed me to go through a lot of test of persistent. i was almost sure that i will pull through every time because all i need to do is beat my physical body to do it. determination is a virtue to me, call me stubborn if you want to but if that is really what i want, i rarely give it up for the sake of pain. i mean man of honour is one of my favourite movie, finishing the journey is part of the happy ending i embrace.

the greater test has not come till this year when i had to deal with people more than i ever deal with in my entire life. just when i thought i had master how to do life, which of course is never the plan God had for me; it got harder. when i realised that it is no longer about my persistent to make things right, it is no longer about my desire to see friendships work out, it is no longer about how i change to make myself more lovable. it is painful yet beautiful to know that all we can be is to begin to love who we are and except people as they are.

i really know God as a relationship God this year. in a race we hurt some, step on some feets, see some too tired to run anymore, see some sitting injured at the side of the road. i am not meant to run alone, that is an easy race to run. hopefully to see when we pass the finish line we are not a bitter, lonely person.

for some of you that were in the journey camp you will remember that beutiful moment after all of us passed the finish line. to look at the end of the road, a group of them carrying back our injured brother. when all of us clapped and cheered them on to the finish line. there were not running, it is no longer about the race anymore but slowly step by step... they walked and walked pass that line. i don't know how to say it better but like band of brothers, with tears on our eyes we can hug each other... it was a tough journey but we had finished it. smiles on our face because no offence matter anymore, we had saved each other lives, we had stayed with each other and now it is finish.

with that picture at the end in mind, love and grace i believe will help me overcome all broken relationships. without hardship there is no depth in our friendship. i will see you at the end, i promise. i will not rest till i make peace with everyone. so the end of this year is not the end at all because this is my journey, love you all.

is she funny or am i just easily amused?

cy: can you get me the vacation of this ppl? i need to put them in the profile for the prog booklet.
michelle: x is unemployed.. so dont mention anything abt a job in regards to her. all she does now is go for dbd thats all.
cy: hahahah so i put there 'all she does now is go for dbd, hahahah.'
michelle: .... (after a long list of info) y ... is asleep - she says she will tell me tomorrow.
cy: huh she talks to you in her sleep?
michelle: she smsed saying 'mich - i m asleep - tomorrow morning will call'

life is tough/funny

1. it is 4.31pm now and i am having my first bite of solid food today.
i had only took one hour of nap last night.
it is going to be a long night tonight before i can rest my head on my pillow.

2. michelle proctor is suppose to meet in the afternoon to help me proof read the work but she said she can't make it this morning. why?

michelle: some student from my country has committed suicide. so i reckon i will be tied up the whole day...
cy: oh so what are you going to do?
michelle: today - i hv to go with other senior studenst to buy a coffin. put the guy in it (hahahah... sorry i cannot stop laughing when i read the second line). and at 2 pm he is going to klia to fly off with the 9pm flight.
cy: ok then.. don't worry about the proofreading. i can get someone else to do it. (i just want someone to do proofreading, what just happened?)

3. for DBD t shirt
we are printing = 400
t shirt for cast and crews = 160
t shirts for ushers = 195
t shirts for marshalls = 8
total left for sales = 37

cy: we are only selling 37 t shirts?
*speechless*: of left 37... then print 50 more.
cy: so we are only selling 87? meaning:

6000 ppl coming for the show divide by 87 t shirts = every 68 ppl that pass by the counter only 1 can buy

?
*speechless*: ya we want them to fight for it

PLAN A
i should order the size of only XXL and XS because they are either so big that they managed to push through to the counter or very small that they manage to squeeze thru.

PLAN B
i can print more and sell it at the 'black market' at the staircase area. business opportunity :)

---
ok i am talking rubbish. i am very sleepy. i should get back to work now.

the world greatest thing, love

"You spend your life searching for greatness," Emily said, handing over the ring in the velvet box it came in. "You're reaching for things I can't give you and I don't want to spend my life not measuring up."
"But I love you," he said. "I really do." Her decision made no sense. By his count, their 4-year engagement hadn't even come close to the world record, 67 years, held by Octavio Guilen and Adriana Mart'nez of Mexico City.
Emily smiled, her lips a bit crooked. "You know everything about the fastest coconut tree climber and the biggest broccoli, but you don't know the first thing about love." She wiped a tear from her ocean-colored eyes. "That's the only kind of greatness that counts, and I hope you find it someday."

Excerpted from The Man Who Ate the 747 by Ben Sherwood Copyright© 2000 by Ben Sherwood.

J. J. Smith, Keeper of the Records for The Book of Records, is an ordinary man. he knows he can never break a world record so he sets to be one that judge them. J.J. has clocked the world’s longest continuous kiss. He has verified the lengthiest single unbroken apple peel. He has tasted the world’s largest menu item. But J.J. has never witnessed great love.

Love is not a feeling he claimed. "it is brain chemistry. you see a pretty girl and you get a blast of neurotransmitter called dopamine. that's why you feel excited. same with happiness. it's just electrical impulse from your left prefrontal cortex." Wally, the man that is eating the 747 plane to prove his love has no doubt that his left prefrontal cortex was spinning, but he was also sure that the impulse came straight from the heart. the man from the book of records know his science, but he didn't know beans about love.

J.J feared to admit those feelings and walked away. then he comes to understand that the world greatest thing, love cannot be measured and quatified. this time he is not going to reason scientifically anymore. but she is afraid to love him again and get hurt. "Give me another shot. let's make one perfect day," J.J. "and if it feels right, let's make another one tomorrow." that reminds me of the movie 50 first dates.

"you don't love me today," the wife told him, in the movie the prestige. fact is feelings do matter. it is not how many times you say i love you that day or how many hours you sit by her side but how much you want her that makes all the different and yes, she can feel it.

i did tears eventhough i told him* i don't normally cry reading a book. this might be just a novel, this other story** is real though. life can be quite beautiful, if you allowed yourself to be loved and to love.
---
*we said our first hello on msn. he is a guy that i haven't meet before though we have some common friends. when i showed him this list, he said he had done most of it. i wasn't quite sure then till the man who ate the 747 by Ben Sherwood arrived in my mailbox. i mean how often do you get mail, what more from someone you haven't even meet. that is really sweet, i don't know who thought him that :)

**taken from y's blog

the piece that stands out in a band to me

everytime i look at a band, i cannot help but look at the drummer. i am no musician probably that is why that is the only piece of instrument that create the sound that make sense to my brain. the rest of the instrument still doesn't make sense to me, i mean all the strings and keys on the grand piano look the same to me yet they create a different rhythm.

this one for you robin,


man, i need to sent my son to drum class in future. and now i can tell why i miss having you around. it is the expression on your face when you play. but it is good not having you around, the way you play are quite a distraction during worship. i cannot help but open my eyes and peep :)

btw, i stole this from zoe's blog.

things that leave us speechless

we girls decide to try one of the nice restaurant along One Bangsar. the experience was remarkable.



cy and anna: what is that, so ugly looking?
steph: foie gras. you want to try?
anna: nope
cy: ok can i try (i mean how often do i get a chance to eat a starter that cost RM45)?
*speechless* (the moment i put it into my mouth, the texture and the aftertaste. wow... i have never tried something like this before.) anna, you need to try this.
anna: *after taking a bite, speechless*

---
and this twin, my nephew samuel and niece sara that had been hanging out in my house the last whole week.

just by looking at them leave me speechless


those smiles are definitely a killer

korean series can be quite real

our love will always last from the movie save you last dance for me

he landed in a place alien to himself. he lost his memories, he doesn't remember where he stays and he has no friends and family with him.

she took him in, opened her house to him and took care of him. the year pass, they both fell in love. her father doesn't allow them to be together but he promised even if he gains back his memories he will still love her and take care of her forever.

one morning, he disappeared from the house. the last thing she knows is he left a message 'someone claims that he knows my family, when i am done i will come back'.

he didn't come back that day. he didn't come back a year after that. so she live on everyday without a closure to that relationship. a lot of things run through her mind. "maybe his life is too happy to be gather back with his family and friends. he doesn't want to remember me anymore. but why will one do such a thing to a person that open her house to him. my life is all well and good, why does he had to appear and disappear suddenly."

one day she saw him, she ran after him and asked him why did he leave without saying anything. he is the only son of the owner of a establish firm. he pushed her away, he doesn't remember her. that upsets her a lot, maybe he is embarassed to know me because his status is now different. later she found out he had an accident that night again, he remembered everything before that except for what happen that one year.

so she stayed around, enter the firm to work because all she wants is to be near him and to be a friend to him. people around doesn't like that, they thought she is being ambitious to want to get near the boss son. so she was treated badly by colleague and he was cold to her but it is ok she could stand anything just to be near him, she said she will wait. till one day he pulled her aside,
"why are you bearing with all these around you. are you trying to get my sympathy if i will be with you it is because i sympathise you, yes you managed to get my attention so now get lost from my life."
that night it is over he insulted her "other people can say anything they want and i will take it in but how can you say this to me. i will, if you want me to go i will... i will never appear in front of you again. i was wrong to come back and find you because the person that i love is already dead. you are a different person now."

let it be then, he will never remember me. we can go on to do our own things and just pretend that we never exist in each other life before.

this is a long but useful lesson

i had learn a lot about guys from x, a particular guy friend of mine because he had been really honest to me. i think the fact that both of us can be so open to each other is because we might never meet again and we don't like each other. i still like that a lot because he showed me the side of guys that i was always guessing but never knew. be it fair or not for him to represent all guys but i am glad i had the opportunity to know a little more about this species and to show him the heart of a woman. great exchange.

main lesson
(#1) a guy is able to like a few girls at the same time. he still loves you but he likes someone else in between, he had not forgotten about you though. deep stuff, really deep stuff.
(#2) a guy can move on without solving the issues.
(#3) a guy can't be friends with you because he can't be 'just friends' with you.
(#4) a guys can be quite girl sometimes :)
(#5) a guy will find a way to make sure you suffer for what you make them go through.

----
case study
background
i don't remember when was the last time we chat on msn but this round we are talking about a different girl in his life all together. (#1) not the same girl that he was thinking about the last time i chatted with him. we are talking about his ex 2 years ago that just broke off with her current bf.

how they broke off previously
her mum and friends thought that they are not very suitable for each other. which i remembered he said "what can you do if they are to value certain ppl in their lives. their comments pretty much carry a lot of weight."

current situation
her ex's sister called him and i guess she gave too much information.

ex's sis: can i ask you something? do you still have feelings for her?
x: ...
ex's sis: i mean i totally understand if you can't tell me... but it's just that she misses your friendship a lot. she really wants to talk to you at times even while they were together but she knew you were still not ok with it or didn't wanted to talk to her so she avoids it but it kills her that we talk to you all that time and she has to sit on the sidelines.
x: (#2) i don't know because i just moved on without addressing the past hurts. i just swept it under the carpet and left. yea of course it still hurts to think about what happened but then again, it's so much the past i don't care anymore.
ex's sis: do you think you guys will ever talk again?
x: i don't know... 'when it happens, it will happen' (favourite phrase). but i don't think i'm at the position to initiate any conversation

1 month later he sent out a mass email and she was in the list. she replied to it and now he is contemplating whether to reply or not.

problem solving
cy: so the question now, do you still like her?
x: i don't want to be just friends!!!!! not now!!!
cy: but honestly... ppl say you won't be hurt by someone unless she means a lot to you
x: i really don't know. i think the hurt and distrust is still very much real. i don't think at this point i'm ready to face her as a "friend" only
cy: wait... why you keep mentioning cannot be just friends? i mean if you don't have feelings for her already then of course there will be nothing wrong to be friends right. yet if you like her don't you want to be friends again first, don't you want to see her and know about her.
x: (#3) i know it sounds selfish but it's like. unless she wants to pursue something and sees that there's a future or even just give it a try again. i really don't want to go there. perhaps i still very much love and care about her
cy: you don't want to see her again unless it is to work out towards coming together again? because you still love her and if it means to see her again, it will dig out the old well and it will be painful to see her and not have her
x: yes exactly! and if she's just like "um...i just want to be friends now" well that's too bad because i can't be "just friends" anymore
cy: but the fact that she misses your friendship is because she misses you. i mean i am sure there are many friends she had not talk to. why don't she bother to miss their friendship. anyway if she says she wants to try it out again. ru ready for that? will you be able to accept her again
x: (#4) hmm... i don't know. it depends on how much she's willing to go for it. meaning, i need tangible actions and words to bring me back to the trust part
cy: don't tell me you are not going to lift a finger to it? you are a guy.
x: too bad a guy can only do so much. don't forget... she broke it off!!!! there comes a time when girls have to pick up the burden too
cy: so you are going to sit here, wait for her to call you. you are going to say 'no, i don't want to go out'. so she will think that you hate her
x: i will give it a chance to just talk but if it doesn't address anything more than "hi how have you been". that's it.
cy: you won't see her again. you expect her to say that the first time you guys meet again. i mean both of you had change pretty a lot. ru not scared you won't like who she is now?
x: she won't call
cy: just meet her. i mean why should two person that likes each other let ego separate both of you?
x: yen, you are probably the only one that wants me to give her a chance and maybe her sister. the rest of the other friends... keep reminding me "don't forget what she did to you and you need to guard your heart first."
cy: yup i understand that of being hurt again. honestly i really dunno how she feels but i can only judge from your heart. you like her. and honestly love is not a game about who wins or who loses. who made the last mistake and who should fix it. i only know it is really hard to find a person that you really love. i can only say if a girl left you for another guy and you still have feelings for her after 2 years. man, that is love. "grace" that you will only give to a girl that you really love.
x: i'm just tired of giving love to someone who is not sure about giving back or even appreciates it. talk about unconditional love. are you on her side or my side? how much did she pay you? haha.
cy: i am tryin to tell you how she feels. and what she is thinking. don't guy just want to know but won't dare to ask that girl.
x: well i just don't want to reply her message and answer her questions. and then what? do i initiate more conversation? i just honestly don't want to initiate anything because my faith is weak. if you were to break up with someone... and the person have tried a million times to be the initiator and it starts suffocating you... and when the person gets the message do you still expect him to start initiating again 2 years later??? (cy: no. i understand what you mean)
cy: if you had initiated so many times i am sure she knows you love her. but maybe she needs a sign now if you still likes her. so just leave an open door for her and reply her, if not she might think that you are not interested anymore.
x: ok i will reply her tomorrow. well, wait because i have been waiting for a long time.
cy: cruel
x: (#5) this is nothing compare to what i had to go through! at least that would send the message that i'm not desperate!
cy: ego!

golden lesson
i remember the last time i talked to him, he said 'it is over' between them. well because she is attached then. i mean if it is really over why are we discussing this. i guess i understand now, it wasn't over when they say it is over. it just meant... i don't want to think or talk about it now.

---
what i learned from greek philosophy, this is call active learning, asking questions to check the real condition of your heart or what you really believe. i didn't tell him they will be together again. i didn't tell him she still loves him, i merely showed him he still loves her and i think that is important. these are more questions you can ask yourself if you are in the same phase with him. as for me myself, i never claim that i know him too but as i talk to him i got to know him.

you are loved even your not so lovely side

it is often said "to love one person, love all that person weaknesses too". one day you will find that person that will love even the worst of you.

1. someone that loves you even if you leave coffee cup ring stains on the table.
2. someone that enjoys your snores at night, a beautiful reminder that someone is sleeping at the side.
3. someone that likes your sweat smell because it carries a very unique odor that you and you alone carries.
4. someone that finds looking at you with your shirt all tuck in your pants, with the ugliest post lying on the bed as if no-one-is-there rather cute.
5. someone finds it fun to clean your ears because you hate to do that.
6. someone gets very excited to find those things you always misplaced.
7. someone still talks to you no matter how horrible you were last night.

hope you will feel special just thinking that this person is somewhere around.

i promise i will never say to you 'move on'

over this year, loads and loads of people had use these words to console me. now that the cloud of darkness has pass me by i want to talk about this without being emotional. i hope that none of you will take it to personally because i don't remember faces that say that. or there are just to many people that say it, i already felt numbed to it.

in life whether we like it or not we are moving on. so it is really an unnecessry piece of advice. and no those word are not really encouraging. i am not sure if anyone agree with me but can you imagine:

you go for a funeral to tell the family of the deceit, move on
your friend fail in an exam and you sit down next to him and say, move on
your father just got bankrupt and you walked up to him and say, move on
someone just lose a job and you pat his shoulder as he packed his stuff, move on
someone have a car accident and lost both his legs, you look down to his missing feet and say, move on

yes, enough example but i just think that those words are very insensitive. bill wilson once said if you want to be a comfort to other
sit where the person sit.
if you don't know what to say, it is ok just sit there. company is comfort not the words. just remember no one like to be down, if i am not moving on what the hell do you think i am doing?

---
reminder: i am just making a statement. i am not holding grudges to anyone. if there is one thing i can say, sorry if i hurt anyone in this one year. i wasn't in the mood of receiving advice. i think i finally understand that bit of it, sorry my friend for talking so much. haha

will we all have a fairy tale ending?

translation: you were crying when you told me that fairy tale are all lies. it won't be possible for me to be your prince. maybe you won't understand but since the day you said you loved me... even the stars on my sky have brighten up. i am willing to be the angel that you love in the fairy tale. open up your hands and let me protect you. you must believe, believe me...that we will be like those in the fairy tale with a happy ending.

---
a short chinese song video clip. this is too good, i mean it is really like korean drama storyline.

crazy things i did the last week

1. i went to the chinese guru to get my knee massage. after the whole works. she bandaged it, it looked horrible. i took it off the next day to go for gym.
2. i went back to the chinese guru. this time it was even more drama. she poked two needles like the one on top to the side of my knee, it is suppose to let the blood flow. i had to admit i was terrified even before the needle touches me. she left the needles there and my whole leg got numbed. i got more nervous.... what's happening. ok that is suppose to be normal. my knee was feeling good immediately. quite amazing huh!
3. i still went for gym following that and it works out fine. i think my knee just need exercise so that the blood can flow. no wonder it hurts every morning. i'm aging faster than i think.
4. i went for body pump class yesterday. i was late so the free weight for 0.5 ran out. i reluctantly took the 2.5 for the first time. ouch my hands hurt but i think i am getting better. i am fine today. i think circumstances are pushing me beyond what i think i am capable.
5. i dropped my mum at the saloon today and accidentally got my hair perm. not only that i was the first customer to try their new product. i think i am a bit too daring recently.

---
is my knee and hair good. only time can tell. anyway i can live dangerously because i don't have husband and kids waiting for me at home.

what if i don't call?

i just call to say, i love you. i just call to say, how much i care.

my little sister sang the chorus over and over again today. i remember a moment in my life i sang that chorus repeatedly too. we don't get very far with this song don't we? hahaha

just call me and i'll be there

i remember i told some of you i was quite excited to meet my long lost best friend from sec 1. that day when i first give her a call after i got her contact i was bursting with joy. all the flashback and memories. i thought this is going to be fun, we have a lot to catch up. the person that she used to be... that will laugh till she tears while i figure out what she is talking about.

since then, i had made a lot of calls to ask her out. we had met two or three times but i had stop calling. the last time we went out she called me because someone fong fei kei (fly aeroplane) her, i postponed my other appointment to company her. she asked me then "why you never call me already?*" then i replied her "i told you, i will always make time for you. if you are free just call me because you are more busy than me."

you know why i had call and sms a lot before that and i feel a bit unwelcome, maybe she doesn't want to meet me as much as i want to. do they really want you to sms when they don't reply? do they want to hear from you when they don't answer your call? sometimes you really wonder do ppl want to hear from you or not? so i stop, it's not that i don't care. i mean maybe they are happier without me bugging them.

i am a bit curious why she asked me that* the last time though.

we are stories of the Story

isaac is his one and only son with sarah. the only son that lives with him. the walk to the mount that day, what do you think crosses abraham's mind?

to let go of the one i love? why ask me this, God? i must had heard wrongly. you just want a sacrifice from me isn't it? i can give you a 100 sheeps. i can give you other things. no? why not, is it because i had make isaac my god? he had not take over your place. really... God i will do everything you say. even if it means to give you my one and only son. these are things that could had possibly crossed his mind. but this is abraham's story and our lesson always stop here.

what do you think isaac feels? my dad doesn't love me. that is why he is willing to sacrifice me? it is such a pain to be his child, why do he has to do that to me? what had i done wrong? he don't know how to protect me? he doesn't have the right to be my dad?

what if really that is how the story goes. isaac is bitter about it, told his mum and they both decide to leave home. i mean what a crazy man that is. fortunately that is not how the story goes if not the whole bible wouldn't be the same anymore. abraham didn't even know exactly why he did what he did but he did.

'by faith abraham, when God TESTED HIM, offered isaac as a sacrifice. he who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "it is through isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, figuratively speaking. he did receive isaac back from the death.' (hebrews 11.17-19)

isaac and sarah didn't leave abraham. they know that abraham loves isaac very much. they know that he is a man trying his best to honour God the best he knows how. isaac understood through this obedient that everyone will be bless by God. isaac knows this God that works all things for good.

we live in a world that has more than one person. how do God one big plan works for the good of everyone? yet He can. your act of obedient might cause temporal hurt to others that doesn't understand but both will reap the benefits one day. there were days that i have to go through what abraham go through to let go of the one i love, yet there are days that i need to be like isaac to forgive and learn to trust the heart of the one i love. we all had not done wrong, this God we believe in is making a far more beautiful story then we can understand.

i can only say i am in awe again tonight.

it's complicated

i was wondering for a while why do friendster has this status of relationship, 'it's complicated'. i understand single, in a relationship and married. for the last few months i have talked to a lot of people, i think i finally understand that.

when do ppl put that status?
1. this person is in a relationship but is in a cooling down period/ time off. they had not discuss what to do yet.
2. this person is holding hand with a girl that is not his girlfriend.
3. this person has more than one girlfriend.
4. this person don't know what he wants.
5. this person is in a new relationship but is still very attach to his ex.
6. this person wants to start a new relationship but has not really break up with his ex yet.
7. this person is still waiting for his ex but she is not.
8. this person just break up but doesn't want to admit it.
9. this person didn't bother to fix the problem with his current girlfriend.
10. this person don't know how to fix the problem with his current girlfriend.

that status doesn't sound very good but at least it means he has not given up hope.

i am such a cry baby

i cry when i have to do all over again what i just did.
i am frustrated. movies like man of honour make me cry too.

i cry when i misses someone and i can do nothing about it. i cry when someone misses me and i don't know about it.
i am pathetic. movies like summer scent (korean) make me cry too.

i cry when i see promises are broken or promises are fulfilled.
i am disappointed. movies like MVP valentines (taiwanese) make me cry too.

i cry when i am being misunderstood for my actions, especially when i cannot find the right word to explain myself.
i am hurt. movies like one tree hill make me cry too.

i cry when i am trying and other accused me of not trying.
i am lonely. movies like million dollar baby make me cry too.

i cry when someone do not protect me when he can do something about it.
i am abandon. movies like north country make me cry too.

i cry when sweet memories come. worst still if it is no longer there.
i am too happy/sad. movies like jerry macquire make me cry too.

i cry when other knows about my personal life not because i share it.
i am betrayed. movies like 10 things i hate about you make me cry too.

i cry when someone put my feelings out in words.
i am released. movies like full house (korean) make me cry too.

i cry when there is a happy ending.
i am touched. movies like nemo make me cry too.

---
i like it when you call me baby.

just for laugh

j: why, suddenly remember your umbrella when it starts to rain is it?
cy: yes, are you at home? can i have my umbrella back.
j: nope, i'm not at home. didn't your teacher teach you this "sediakan payung sebelum hujan" (prepare yourself for rainy days)?

---
r: why do a guy not call a girl? because he already has someone else in his life so he can DELETE HER for his memory.

---
wm: i really like your picture. kinda of like sending signals... i am single... come date me pls.
cy: oh really. then you have to take more photo for me, i need to sent more signals

occupied

image by corbis

work
- female magazine
- drunk before dawn

mental
- greeks philosophy class (i had only went for 1 out 4 classes but i like it!)

spiritual
- listening to Always and Forever the Daughter of a King series by Bobbie Houston
- listening to Womanhood by Ps Lee Choo
- psalms
- still reading Bono

leisure
- going to laundry
- meeting new and old friends
- having fun replying sms and msn of ppl i hardly know, you will know what i mean if you are from the irc generation :)
- watching my latest korean series save your last dance for me
- planning my next bangkok trip

health
- attending body pump, abt and abs classes in celebrity fitness
- thai massage at odyssey at tropicana clubhouse
- beauty spa

things i want to do very much but have not come to it:
- to read Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, my birthday present from elaine
- to read The Man who ate the 747 by Ben Sherwood, a surpise in my mailbox from a friend i haven't meet. according to him it is a very romantic book
- to make an arrangement with my doctor. the pain on my knee is getting quite serious. any driver that will be kind enough to fetch me around?
- use my FREE manicure spa, FEEE facial at Shiseido, FREE RM200 spa ( a lot of free stuff because i had been doing a lot of purchases, haha)
- sleep (ok i will never have enough eventhough i slept 11pm-11am, took my lunch and slept till 4pm today). tell you a secret, i think someone was awake for me last night so that i can sleep :)

---
i am not keeping myself busy to drown myself but when God shed some light in what i am going through, joy fill my heart once again. yes, i am most beautiful when i smile. i am the child of a King.

don't be busy looking for the one, be busy preparing yourself for the one

a fine line between love and used-to-love him

when i was 19 i had a very special feeling for a friend. we dropped very obvious hints for each other - very drama birthday presents, post-it notes that we passed to each other everytime we meet and are too busy to talk to each other. the guessing game went as long as it can, one day i was sure that he likes me and the next day i feel that maybe he was just treating me as a friend.

then the time came that he needed to go oversea to study. he left me with a cassette tape, on the cover it is written: 'only hear this when i am on the plane'. it was pretty hard to hold on the cassette but not play it. nevertheless, i did wait. the content was very sweet, those that can make me cry but still he didn't tell me how he feels for me. i thought maybe he thinks that it is really selfish to tell me he likes me eventhough we can't start a relationship.

life goes on for both of us, we were very bad at keeping in touch, at average we had send each other 2 to 3 emails or snail mail a year. when i was 23, we met once when he came back for holiday. that was a very important day because i really want to know if i still feel the same for him or i was just still in love with the old him. at the end of the meal, it was a good time of catching up but i can see that he is no longer the same guy i used to like. still the time was short to tell anything. so i just left it as it is.

i think that meeting up did released me because at 24, i finally have this very special feeling again. of course history repeats itself, the guessing and waiting. i never think much of him anymore until he send me an email a month before he comes back. "i read the letter you gave me the day i left and am very encourage by it." i started to think again maybe he does still have feelings for me, i mean why bother to pick up a letter i gave you ages before. anyway he came back, we spend some time together and i know that i really don't feel the same for him anymore. more than that, i found out that he is attached. something he didn't tell me in any of the email. i do wonder why though? is it because he wants to keep me as a backup plan or he just didn't have the chance to tell me. anyway that is a close file case, i can peacefully enter my next relationship*.

yes, ppl often say that time will remove those feelings. but i am really capable of liking someone for very long. i guess that is why not meeting up with a person is quite dangerous. it is pretty hard to differentiate if you still love a person or you are loving the him that is in the past. but then again that might be what he wanted. ok maybe not, i don't think he is that cruel but i mean why not right? it is always nice to have someone like you. yes, he never asks me to wait so it is not his fault. in fact i should thank him, if not my record of bfs would probably have hit 2 hands by now. but i think the sad thing is, we never really share to each other anymore. is it true that a guy and a girl cannot be best friends?

also, i don't understand why guys keep their feelings to themselves. i mean why is it that he alone make the decisions for both of us?

---
* he is not my second choice. in fact, i felt more comfortable with him more than ever. i just want to be sure with my feelings before i make any decision because honestly if i still like the first guy. i would have continue waiting, man what's with me?

when the world around you go to sleep

in life a lot of things happen to us. we are not meant to fix them. it was there to fix us.

just a short impression like that, i am in tears. God is not quiet about what i am facing now, He is using the situation to fix me. no matter how much i don't enjoy this season of my life but i believe once again today. this might sound like a cliche, but truly all things happen for the good of those who love Him and called according to His purpose and when i come out of this, i will be like gold.

please be patient with me as i struggle with my life.
---
i was working the whole last night and i am going to bed now. if i haven't tell you why i enjoy being awake in the middle of the night - it is because when the noises of the whole world around you seize. suddenly God's voice become very clear.

in the quiet, in the secret place. in the stillness You are there

since you have not seen me for a while

the wild side. i don't like this photo but i shall show you the only studio shot i had taken.

photo by bluinc



this is more like me. don't you miss my smile?

photo by anna

i will wait for you

what if i wait my whole life to find out that no one is waiting at the other end.the lake house

i will wait for you.

i am learning korean song

Kurulri eubdako anilkkurako midujyo um-
Naeka gudael sarang-handan ilmaldo andwejyo um-
Gwaenhan jiltu-ilkkurako naeka wiro-oonka-bodako
Jashinul sokyeo-bwajiman ijeh deunun nan kamchul-suka eubnun-gulyo-

I Think I Love You geurun-kabwayo-
Cause I Miss You gudaeman eubsumyun
Nan amukeuto mohhako jakku-saenggak-nako
Irun-geul bomyun amuraedo-

I'm Falling For You nan mollah-jiman-
Now I Need You eonusaenka nae mam kipun-koseh aju
Kugeh jarijapun gudaeui mosubeul ijen bowayo~ um-
Oorin aneuh oorrindako chin ku gukeh ddak jeotako um
Hana-beutuh yeulkae dodaecheh moh hankaerado manunkeh eubnundeh
Uddeo kesagol suinyako maldo andwaenun yaekirago
Malhamyeo doolruh daejiman ijehdeunun nan guruki kasirun kulyo

I Think I Love You keurungabwayo
Cause I Miss You gudaeman eubsumyun
Nan ameuguto mohhako jakku-saenggak-nako
Irun-gul bomyun amuraedo-

---
here is the only english translation i can find:
There's no way that I could love you~ um
It's just jealousy, I must be lonely
I tried fooling myself, but I can't hide it any longer

I Think I Love You~
It must be true
Cause I Miss You~
Whenever you're not here
I can't do anything
I keep thinking of you
Seeing what's happening

I'm Falling For You~
I didn't know, Now I Need You~
Sometime, in the depths of my heart
I can see that you've taken root in my soul~

They say we're not good together, that we should just be friends, um~
One to ten, we can't agree on anything,
How can we be together? It's not an option
I kept telling myself, but I don't want to do it anymore~

I Think I Love You~
It must be true
Cause I Miss You

theory of the one

myth no 1
many ppl will say that there is no the one. the one is the the one you chooses to love.

it is not a choice. if you have meet the one you will say:
i love him, i do not know how not to.
---
myth no 2
the one is my Mr Perfect or Mr Right.

he is not even close to perfect but somehow you can accept every weakness of his. if you have meet the one you will say:
i have new grace to love you every morning.
---
myth no 3
how will i know he is the one?

you will never be asking this question because the one is not a qualification. if you have meet the one you will say:
i just know he is the one.

did i tell you i am an impulse buyer?

my new baby.




nokia 5300

young and dangerous

hi,

i am back.

18th oct (wed)
- we went out for yam cha at tanjung mamak. kelvin dropped by to join us

19th oct (thu)
- we went for dinner at laundry

20th oct (fri)
- we went out for lunch, she managed to pursuade me to join her for manicure
- we met up with anna for dinner, she introduced some guy friends to us. look who is more worried

21st oct (sat)
- we were too bored when we woke up in the morning. so we packed our bags and left for the south at 2pm.
- we headed for malacca for 'satay babi'
- we received an sms from a friend "feel like poppy tonight?". argghhh he smsed... reluctantly we replied "we'll join you when we get back"
- we crossed the singapore custom at 7pm
- we went to toast box for peanut butter toast... yummy!
- we make our way to st james power house. 'the crowd is not cool at all but the place is really nice', we should have gone to MOS (Ministry of Sound)
- we went to her aunt's place to stay over. i stayed up to watched my korean series goong

22nd oct (sun)
- we made our return to vivocity (such a nice building) even the food court looks cool. got our make up sets, enjoyed the big open space and the beautiful view of sentosa
- we both went our separate ways, i headed back to bukit batok and finished my korean series

23rd oct (mon)
- we made our way to takashimaya foodcourt for my tako pachi. yummy!
- we quickly moved to fareast for more shopping
- we needed to be at IMM for our 2 dollar shop. we really enjoyed our dinner at pepper lunch.

24th oct (tue)
- we went straight to jb for 'kuay tiaw kia'. another yummy!
- we stopped by at justin's place for his bbq birthday party. great fun to be playing poker in a wide open area, eating overburned chicken wing and seeing jason's baby sleep comfortably in my arm

---
*we = steph and i.
she is my best friend since secondary school. always grow up having a sister and a best friend prettier than me, but it is good because i will always know that the guy that likes me did not choose me because of my look. anyway i found out from this trip, we have extreme opposite choice of taste... so yahh we will never fall for the same guy.

we had been spending too much time together. we had talked about everything under the sun.
1. guys - what they are thinking, the one, the past and future
2. God - churches, salvation, end times
3. dreams and purpose, movies, songs, babies

a guy made this statement "so both of you are trying les now?" no! no way... we will always like guys :)

i really enjoyed having her around again, to share our deepest secrets and our hearts that no one wants to hear anymore. we know what a long way we both had walked. really glad i have her to share this season of my life. i guess this is a happy blog entry. if that is what you are looking for, you should stop reading here.
---
"talk, just talk. talk about anything. doesn't matter if it doesn't interest me." He cannot bear being alone with his thought. it was too painful.
truman capote from the movie capote

sorry, i cannot stand not being honest with how i feel.

one last cry

the most cruel things i had ever done to one of my ex
1. when i was angry, i did not answer his phone.
2. when he showed up at my door, i refused to go out.
3. when he attempted suicide "i told him a person who wants to die won't tell anyone".
4. when he was hospitalised i didn't visit.
5. when he ran off the hospital to see me, his hand was bleeding non-stop. i called his dad and sent him home.

He asked "why were you so cold to me? you didn't treat your other ex boyfriend like that."

It's true. maybe because i was too confident of his love for me. it will come a time he will realise i am not worth his love.

if you are once a victim, these might be the route you take next.
one who is hurt, guards himself from getting too serious in a relationship so that he will never be hurt so deeply.
one who is hurt, can rise up in the next relationship to be the one that hurt so that he will not be the victim again.
one who is hurt, might never want to be in a relationship again so that he will never even come near to pain.
one who is hurt, can choose not to do the same thing to another because he understand how painful that is.

that is why relationship is so complicated because there is no one way of doing things.
---
ppl said that my blog entries are pretty depressing. well that is really the condition of my life now. everything in life - the past, the recent, the now are teaching us something and that is what i had been blogging all these while. but i think i have enough of it. i won't be blogging till i have something good to talk about.

it is your day, guys!

throughout this time, i was hoping that some guys will drop some comments to explain themselves. the part of them that i never understand. but i guess they will never, just like in an arguement... their silence is the one that kills us. yet maybe it is this beauty that allows man and woman to live together.

to you man that is so humble not to voice out the better side of yours.

hope this releases the burden you had been carrying for so many years.

---
not sure if all you girls agree with the contents but maybe we shall learn not to speak for once.

doing things from your heart

real life
there is this man that said this recently
"i think i do not have feelings for you anymore. i don't think i can marry you in this stage."

as much as i hate to agree with that considering that is my girl friend, i know he is right. at the end of the day it is love that causes us to keep a covenant.

biblical
i don't remember seeing the word commitment in our relationship with God. even the covenant calls israel to
'love the Lord your God with all thine heart, and all thy soul, and with all thy might.' (deut 6.5)

the book 'the mystery of marriage'
'for marriage is a trap. it is a trap of pure love. the love is so pure, so intense, that it can be like a big iron gate that clangs shut behind us. and there we are. imprisoned, of our own free will, in the dungeon of marriage... when the prison door clangs shut, the only thing to do is to become more in love than ever. there is just no other way to get out of it.'

frequently asked question when the relationship is at stake:
1. do you still love me?
2. do you still love me like you used to?
3. can you write me a love letter?

'But by and large a word of love is a most remarkable little thing, a confession which perhaps more than any other sentence one can utter (including even "i believe") contrains the speaker to mean it. for it has the nature of a personal confession, and to say it without sincerity is a self accusation, a heatrending conviction, every time. and yet not to say it at all is a worse conviction. reflecting on this for a moment, it should be evident that the life of faith is full of such words, words which demand to be spoken and meant, words which on the outside may appear hallow, but the very speaking of which hallows them, fills them with life and depth.'

it is no sixth sense at all...

when she asks you this, she is just checking how much is left. meaning for the last few months she felt that you are not loving her from your heart. it is just a hint, she is seeking for your heart. as much as every woman loves to have a romantic husband. i had never mixed it up with love. that has nothing to do with being romantic, just from the tone of your voice on the phone or during meals she knows that she is not your interest anymore. what good is it to have your body and not your heart? that is surely one thing a woman cannot live with.


i might be wrong. but tell me how can marriage work on commitment and not love. even if it is commitment, it is a commitment to fall in love again. yes, i prefer to hear you are committed to love me than you are committed to the relationship.

---
someone told me this today:
after much thought and deliberation. after consulting a few ppl around me. i've come to a conclusion that you are right. that i should choose the one i like and not the one that likes me.

it feels really good to hear that, for once i am right. i used to be a believer that i will choose tai zhi (the person that loves me more) rather than chen fong (the person that i love more), it is foolish for me to say that then, i guessed it was because i had not meet someone i really love yet. when you find someone you love, nothing can undo that - no friends, misunderstanding or weakness.

i won't be pursuing any guy so don't worry, to love doesn't mean you must have him. at the core of my heart, i still believe a guy must pursue what he wants because only then he will see it through. i can only wish i find someone that loves me as much as i do for him.

may you find that someone too.

in love with love

The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason

it feels even better reading it the second time. no regrets. i am in love with love again.

i still love mac :)

for apple users only

makes me feel a little guilty to buy a new MacBook but it is okie i am not thrashing my old iBook, i am selling it away :)

---
taken from yinhuan's blog

men are hard to please

The problems with GUYS:

If you treat him nicely, he says you are IN LOVE with him;
If you don't, he says you are PROUD.

If you dress nicely, he says you are trying to LURE him;
If you don't, he says you are from KAMPUNG.

If you argue with him, he says you are STUBBORN;
If you keep quiet, he says you have no BRAINS.

If you are smarter than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's smarter than you, he is GREAT.

If you don't love him, he tries to POSSESS you;
If you love him, he will try to LEAVE you. (very true huh?)

If you don't make love with him., he says you don't LOVE him;
If you do!! he says you are CHEAP.

If you tell him your PROBLEM, he says you are TROUBLESOME;
If you don't, he says that you don't TRUST him.

If you scold him, you are like a NANNY to him;
If he scolds you, it is because he CARES for you.

If you break your PROMISE, you cannot be TRUSTED;
If he breaks his, he is FORCED to do so.

If you smoke, you are BAD girl;
If he smokes, he is GENTLEMENT.

If you do well in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does well, it's BRAINS.

If you hurt him, you are CRUEL;
If he hurts you, you are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!!

---
forwarded email from my brother. what a guy? yes a guy.

i can call him anytime and he will answer

woke up early in the morning. i can barely open my eyes but these words flood my mind. managed to pen this down quickly and continue my sleep.

---
i can call Him when i am lonely
i can call Him when i am in trouble
i can call Him when i need a friend
He will always answer me when i call

i didn't answer His phone when i was busy
i didn't answer His phone when i don't feel like it
i didn't answer His phone when i have nothing to talk about
how selfish i can be but i couldn't care less

there are probably many times He said 'I had enough of you'
but everytime i call on Him, He gets weak and He gives in
never really understand how can One loves me that much
never knew how much pain He might had felt

He had demonstrated the greatest love 'i'll be there for you'. the very thing many guys promised but never fulfill. am happy this morning to be a recipient of this love.

---
I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead. (philippians 3.10-11)

holidays

love is said to be one pleasure and a thousand sufferings. i'll rather let go of all my sufferings than to have that one pleasure.from the movie my boyfriend is type B

22-23 sept (sat-sun)
venue: penang
main topic: guys
highlights: the wedding, the girls talk by the beach at night, dim sum
the down: i lost my handphone

24-29 sept (mon-fri)
venue: singapore
main topic: boy girl relationships
highlights: wine at chijmes, the night drive, korean movie "my boyfriend is type B" and series "my 19 year old sister in law"
the down: i don't have enough time to finish my korean series i have to fast forward the last few cds

30 sept (sat)
venue: port dickson
main topic: what do ppl do in port dickson
highlights: journaling by the beach, bbq and beers
the down: it was cloudy so i can't do my tanning

---
things that occured in these 3 places:
1. people giving me a list of names of guys that i can consider. from their very own brother, to church members, to friends and friends i don't even know. surprisingly they all have quite good critireas.
2. beaches. i come to realise i don't mind having a house by the beach. i really like it.
3. crazy fellowship/company. certainly something i really missed.

it is quite a good holiday, i didn't really plan this but i guess the holidays just decided to come and find me. met a lot of ppl, new and not so new. glad i enjoyed myself with the new friends. with the old friends even more glad, after so long we can just pick up for where we last met.

---
a word from the man to the woman:
" i know to a woman they need to know 'i'm the woman you like most in this whole wide world' but feeling is not that important. you may not be the woman i like most, but you are the woman i have chosen to love and the only one i will devote my whole life to." (updated)

a word from the woman to the man:
"i don't want you to love me because of responsibility or commitment. i want you to love me because you still love me and finds me very attractive. anyway you can try but if i know i'm not the only one you love, you will have to go through quite a hell to make me feel secure."

mix emotions

i am a bit drained out emotionally.

^ my friend just decided to break off with his bf. i accompanied her the whole time she was deciding, which is yesterday till the break off today. i didn't sleep much like her and i was pretty much sharing every questions that was going through her mind. the second in the group.
v another friend got pregnant. she is the second mummy in the group... wow.
^ going for a wedding tomolo
v not sure if she will be ok without me around the whole weekend.
^ he is finally treating me like a friend.
v why does he want to do 'that'?
^ going to singapore next week.
v i haven't finish some work. there are a lot i need to do in KL actually.

life is full of ups (^) and downs (v) but i don't expect so many in a day and these are the most drastic ones. i have a mix emotions for almost everything that is happening. weird.

---
thank God for everything that happen to us and yes most of all thank God for friendships.

not just another love story

i don't really allow myself to get into ash/christabel grand passion kind of thing. jealousy, obsession, all that, not anymore. he said
you are lucky then - it all get so self tangled. she said

i really like this movie possession a lot.

is it the poetry?

is it the promises?

is it because gwyneth paltrow and aaron eckhart are both so good looking?

is it the letters?

is it the ending?

i really don't know. maybe because i am a viewer this time round. it is really nice for once you get to know what the two lovers are thinking - the unsaid words that are only found on the pages of their diaries and the unsent/unreceived letters.

---
i have quite a lot archieved too. hhmmm maybe someone can make a movie for me. maybe you will find some letters i should had received too. if you still have anything you want to tell me pls don't bring it to me only when i am in my grave.

i cannot let you be burned nor can i resist you. no mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.

don't you ever walk away from me again

i feel for her because like every girl, she felt that her bf is not treating her the same - sentences get shorter, phone calls get lesser, doesn't want to bring her out.

i feel for her because like every girl she asked "is there something wrong? do you want to talk about it?"
after hearing her i concluded it is true, i have never hear a guy tells his gf i have lost the feeling for you, can we do something about it. never. the girl always has to be the one that feels it and bring it up and then the guy will tell you things like "yah i think so there is a problem but i don't really know how to tell you." especially for girls that think a lot, there have to figure out for the rest of their life what did i do wrong. worst still to suffer the not-good-enough syndrom. so pls guys bring up your issue when you have it.

i feel for her because she can actually says this "if i never bring it up maybe we wouldn't end up in this stage now."
so is it true we need to be transparent in a relationship? if we girls are always the one that bring up the problems it seems like we are full of problems eventhough our intention is too iron things up.

i feel for her because i know his words can be hurtful now, even more because she still loves him.

i feel for her because there are friends that can actually add fuel to the situation as if it is not bad enough.

i feel for her because i know the ball is not in her court and she can't do anything about it.

i feel for her because when she lost her feelings for him, she gave him a chance to do something and now he is not opening himself.
why is it always so much easier when a guy loves a woman to win her heart over again than a woman to win back the heart of a man.

i feel for her because i remember days when guys queue up for her and now she has to be in a stage of courting a guy.

i feel for her because this stupid fella only decides to think like this now, stealing the best years of her life.
let me warn you guys not to drop a girl in their late 20s, unlike guys not many of them want to settle down after 30. the older they get, the more serious they take relationship.

i feel for her because she actually says if he is going to call it off i am going to tell him i'll wait.
i know a lot of you will say that is stupid but you don't know what love can make you do when you find that one that you believe is the one.

---
i am glad that i didn't say something stupid, that will hurt her even more. beginning to see light that surely everything happens for a purpose. when i hear her share today i nearly tear. what happen to the order of creation - guys pursuing girls? what happen to loving the person forever - for better or worst? what happen to those beautiful words - you complete me? i hear her but i know there is nothing that both of us can do. may God do what we all cannot do and knit these hearts together once again.

don't you ever walk away from me again, kate hudson from you me and dupree. that will be the perfect ending now.

are you in love?

remember those times you are guessing if you are in love. at some point it is "just friends". at some other point you know that it is more than that. you are definitely in love if you are thinking of someone now and checking if you match any of the symptoms below.

you know you are in love if:
1. you always want him to be the first to know.
*you feel super horrible if he doesn't share the same feelings as you. (okie guys are blur)

2. you call him when you are in trouble and secretly hopes that he comes and rescue you.
*you feel a bit disappointed if he doesn't show up. (okie guys are blur again)

3. you say you are not tired to talk eventhough you are dead tired. (suddenly revived)
*you feel rejected when you call him and he says he is tired. (okie understand that he is just honest!)

4. you say you are tired to go out but when he calls, you suddenly become free. (suddenly revived again)
*you just don't want to meet anyone that just called you out. (okie girls are not very honest)

5. you actually cancel appointments so that you are free to go out with him.
*to be ffk-ed by him after that will be super horrible. (okie he never asks me to do that)

6. you actually keep valentine's day, birthday and special days free so that he can ask you out.
*you might end up feeling more lonely than ever if he doesn't call. (right, i should have plan something and play hard-to-get)

7. you always remember the things he mentions and get them for him.
*you will be a bit disappointed if he tells you, "oh you use it yourself. i got them already." (okie no one ask me to get it)

8. you want to watch again the most romantic movie you just watch, with him. if not at least get him to watch it.
*you will be mad if he watches it with another girl. (right, who tells you to tell him what is romantic?)

9. you make sure you look good everytime you see him. even if you only have a possible chance of seeing him.
*you will be so sad if he keeps looking at other girls on the street. (yes, even if i dress like them you won't say anything)

10. you know it when you keep telling other ppl about him.
*sometimes you will be the last to know you are in love. but everyone knows including him. (great! how embarassing)

---
that is how you know he likes you too. i guess sometimes why you don't feel that you are loved that is because you don't see these things happen anymore after you start courting.

* does happen. but if * happens too often, know that he doesn't likes you. if you still like him.... you have just gone to the greatest level of love. i don't know if i should congratulate you or sent my condolences to you :)

him=her
---
this period of guessing can be up (you think he likes you) and down (you think he doesn't). it can be tiring but i think i prefer this time than not having anyone that i can guess. life is always more interesting when you are in love. eventhough he is not yours.

---
btw i am not so tired now. i woke up in the middle of the night and i can't go back to sleep. so that is why you get this entry. i can't really blog things like that when i am tired. i wonder why? btw i find pleasure writing things like that. hmm is this a new gift.

so many things at the back of my mind

finished my shoot at 2am. still remember when i left my house this morning, my eyes are already too tired to put on my lenses.

knee still painful. blood test showed that it is not a health problem. need to go for further check up. but don't have the cash to do it. need to plan that when i am free. it normally doesn't hurt for so long, it's about a week now.

the magazine still not done, and i know it will take forever to do that world map. i don't even feel like starting on it.

meeting a new client tomorrow or wednesday, my goodness i can't even remember what she said to me but i think i am not going to take that job. i really don't feel like it.

keep reminding myself not to stress my laptop too much because my mac was in comma over the weekend. i really didn't know what to do because the whole magazine layout is inside that hard disk. but thank God the service centre managed to recover back most of my things.

still thinking what God is teaching me even these few days. people. people. people.

need to plan my penang trip end of the month. going down for may and ky vern's wedding.

trying to make time to go to singapore. to meet people and get some money from my singapore account.

got facial appointment this thursday.

since he took my number to make sure we figure our way home on friday. she asked me today "did he call you?", yah that makes me wonder why he didn't call.
---
why am i not sleeping yet because i got a lot of things on my mind and i need to unwind before i go to bed.

scar: the visible and not visible

e: i hope the blood test comes back with good results
cy: actually i want it to be health problem. then he will give me some pills and fix that. if not i will have to go through another test... he will put a scope into my knee and take some tissues inside to check what's wrong.
e: ouch... that sounds painful
cy: hope the result of this blood test will be positive. i don't want another scar on my knee
e: another?
cy: yah i got a lot of scars on my body and legs hahahahah

this leads to a new train of thoughts.
from birth
birth mark on my forehead

3 years old
sitches on my forehead. when my auntie pulled me to go upstairs, i refused bang to the edge of the stairs handle
4 years old
sitches on my eye brow. house renovation... the carpet rolled up. i jumped across and around it... then bang i knocked the glass door
5 years old
stiches on my chin. i didn't bring my swimsuit on swimming day in pre school. i still want to walk around the pool so i slipped.

one for every year. i got slightly better after that.

about 9 years old
a burn scar on my leg. i was waiting for my school bus then i was standing very near a bike. the exhaust pipe is still burning hot and a touch is enough.
12 years old
a tattoo on my hand. shortly after i take my BCG shot, someone accidentally pushed me and it hit the door. the started to grow a little and of course my itchy hand didn't help.
14 years old
hurt both side of my legs while i was walking home from school then i wrongly estimate, i fell into the big longkang. my dad always tease me "must be looking at guys, that is why you didn't keep your eyes on the road."

---
scars on my physical body had cause me to feel insecure a lot of time but at least i know about it and i know how to face it. sometimes i wonder how many wounds and scars are on my heart that are still affecting what i am doing today. people say "it is a matter of time, wound will heal" but i am beginning to think likewise because these scars had never leave me.