people

i just came back from my church young adults camp.

the fact that i am there is a miracle in itself. i had not been to camp for ages, especially one that needs to leave the compound of my church. over the years, i somehow get a bit fearful of this idea of going for one. i didnt feel like packing my bag and heart to go to a foreign place and be drown with a speaker i barely know and make conversation with a bunch of ppl that i probably wont talk to after that. i didnt want to go gambling again that i may or may not encounter God. i didnt want to weary myself with all the above and very often chose not to go at all.

but i dunno is it because a whole bunch of the committee are my friends and i want to be supportive, or was it a nudge from God. i signed myself up, i made arrangements to make sure my sis sleep with me, actually to even make sure she will be in my games group but i failed to arrange the latter. i went with preparation that it might be difficult. i confess that the logos word has not awaken much within me. i only scarcely feel the tangible presence of God, much probably due to my lack of sleep and expectations. but somehow or not, i enjoyed the camp.

1. the first night, when i cry and cry without knowing why. i wasnt even responding to the speaker. it might be the fact that i am finally making baby steps to be part of this bigger community, or the thought that God has gracefully pull me through till today, or maybe even the simple gratitude that i am still a believer after all this. didnt really care which of the above is the reason, but i reckon some process of healing must be taking place.
2. the good mix of old friends, new crazy friends and weirdo to blame for those many continuous tearful laughters and increase of wrinkles. to say hi, smile, make conversations and putting names to faces that i have seen many times in that big auditorium of my church unknowingly gives me great satisfaction.
3. the 2 nights sleeping with my sister, is believed to be more than the total up conversations we made in the beginning of this year. definitely loads of bonding including sharing bathrooms, yes we have not grew out of that. the many gossips ended up to be probably most valuable lessons i get -- observing how love changes one girl who is deeply in love, witnessing a marriage proposal (the beauty in the words and commitment of the one who ask for the hand), how a girl handle herself around her ex with his new girlfriend, and so on. hearing the many drama of lives open my eyes to why ppl behave they way they do
4. seeing God works in a camp not like the way He used to do so create a bitter sweet feeling. that God might has change the pattern of how He does things make me even more fearful to tread on ministry ground again.
5. overcoming the fear of attending a camp (or not), actually from i-dunno-anyone to liking my games group was way beyond what i expect, touching/transferring a whole box worms during my games time must be one of the most fear-factor-ish thing i had ever done.

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i seriously forgotten what crippled me, when all this fear creep into me but the last few days i seem to be making discovery. may i find the cause and find freedom to them.

be part of my work

ta-dah.... character design. trust me, i have never drawn a character before in my life. this would be my first of many to come and i am proud of myself. but here, i am not asking for praises. user testing are normally done to survey viewer opinions. let me know your behaviour toward my interfaces by filling the polls here and leave comments how to improve them in the comment box. thank you thank you.

dreaming part2

'it is a different room, a queen size bed this time. i am sleeping once again next to a guy, a different guy. not someone unfamiliar. my room door is left open, does mean i have nothing to hide but when i heard my dad's voice outside... i seem to mind my dad misunderstanding us since we are lying together. he didnt mind a bit, he actually wraps himself closer me. he said, "you really dont have even a little bit of feelings for me anymore?". i didnt answer him, i think that is bad.'

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i dream a  lot about relationship recently, i swear i had not been thinking about this matter for a while and i definitely had not been watching grey's or any love drama lately. in both dreams, i was sleeping maybe means that im tired and i was too lazy to move around even in my dream hahaha. two with guys, i can recognise... shit, i hope it doesnt mean he is just around the corner and someone i know. 

oh God, i love fridays

i cant tell you how much i love fridays nowadays. the rest of the days in the week are just like a warzone, fighting with deadlines ahead both work and class submission. miraculously i am pulling through beyond average in class, in fact close to doing well. im happy.  

amid all that, i had been partying, picking up tennis with my friend's nintendo wii (hehe) and even made time for dvds. i am totally glad it is friday today, because for one evening in a week at least, i can sit down and do all those things above and not worry about tomorrow. clients are off for the weekend - they will not call or email me. no increase of job bags, only what i already have. i feel as if time freeze for a while to give me back the freedom to do anything i like. 

since im in that topic i will share a dream that bugs me. a very short, nevertheless enough to make me sweat and jump off my bed despite the fact i only slept 5 hours prior to that. i dont remember ever having such experience before. 

'woken up from my sleep because i saw a shadow of someone on my right. he is reclining on my pillow. i can see his face, and i dont seem surprise to see him next to me at all. in my tired voice, i whisper "something keeping you awake?". he couldnt hear clearly i guess, his face leans closer to me. at that very moment my heart starts beating. i freak out... yes his lips touches mine...' 

i freak out that so badly, i woke up immediately. it is almost like, i need to end the dream right away kinda feeling. nope, not because of the kiss - i had done worst in my dreams - but it is because it is him. scary and freaky.

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wokie, im going try to pick up my books where i last left off and have an early night tonight. buai. oh yah one more, murni's boss, jackie is pregnant. super random but i took great measure to find out so i need to spread the news now. 

intimidated by the young

ppl say if u hang around with younger ppl you will feel younger. im not sure about that, but i dont have much of a choice. now in college and party, im almost surrounded with friends that are younger than me. but what the heck, i try to enjoy myself and put that aside. i reminded myself not to think too much because it just so often screw up my day and eventually my life. and you know what, they are really kinda fun. somehow life is so simple for them, unhurt, undamaged.

im kinda stress in class. students and lecturers have expectations from me. i repeatedly tell myself, "i just need to finish my work. i dont need to prove to anyone anything, im not here to be a top scorer." up to date i still refuse to use my money to bind any of my project submission, unashamedly i stapled them. using more money instead to buy my latte haha. i choose to believe that good work has nothing to do with all this outlook. yet i found myself staying awake to finish my assignments till wee hours of the morning. one night, i even found myself reprinting my work all over again and redoing the whole mock up. in the middle of that, i felt so stupid. "what a waste of time and ink". i hate it when the perfectionist part of me take over. the second mock up look worst than the first, but i wasnt ready to give more attention to that piece of work. so i just went to bed.

i used to believe whatever we do, do our best as to glorify God. i am not denying that but beginning to question if my motivation was that all this while. i realised that so often i want to do the best because i am just another insecure bitch. especially now in college, im not even there to score... the cert no longer matters to me. i need to keep my focus right, push myself to learn the most not work the hardest. except for that bit im enjoying class, learning a lot of new things, falling in love with design all over again. 

dont click

see how long you can resist clicking here. i always love brilliant project like this. hopefully before i die, i will come out with one brilliant project like this.

make the logo bigger

im not sure if this video is a mockery to clients or designers. but i cannot stop laughing. the actual website video is here. but i think the youtube version loads better.

those designers out there must be darn stress to even come out with a song for it. hysterical.

maybe i should start playing the video at the background, when irritating client call. and make that song my call waiting music. wahahahahha....

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* insiders joke for designers and ppl who liase with ridiculous (no-design-sense) clients. had been doing loads of research for college work. what i didnt know is it can be so fun.

100 mess up years

the fine prints retype for your amusement
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS
If you are gay: this one could take a while. By all means have fun trying, but you may also want to consider adopting.
If you are underage: please check beforehand with parents or the person(s) who will be paying for the child's upbringing.
If you are single: have one night stand with pre-punctured condom, then seduce the individual into marrying you before the pregnancy is apparent. A gamble, but worth it.

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always love this guy works. not that i will do any of it but he is really brilliant in his copywriting to come out with 365 crazy ideas each year. now you can participate too. find a way to screw up your life every year heheheeh....

baby sitting made simplified

i was trying my luck when i first play this. now it is one of their favourite, even trumps barney. it is his 3rd time watching this. truthfully we cant help but sit there and watch along with him each time. and it is not because we need to keep an eye on him, seriously he barely moves throughout the whole show. im impressed, simply amazed and entertained all at the same time by him and that dog.



two of them look mesmerised

not just another birthday

a cold dip
a hot cup of coffee
a handmade sandwich

so i blew my last candle next to a waterfall.

that short note i left on my facebook had triggered some responses, like this one: "Sounds like u had a romantic ooh la la". it must be one of the most dramatic venue i ever had a birthday. and yes indeed, quite romantic. not only do i have one guy but a whole bunch of them :).

thanks to the raya holiday, my cell and some of their friends decided to conquer the waterfall at ulu yam. there were 19 of us. about 30 minutes walk, crossing 5 rivers (one about waist level), and 15 minutes of 70degrees climb. since i quit my gym, this has to be one of the best workout i ever had, beats cycling indoor anytime. my instructors used to say 'no pain, no gain'. forgetting all the muscle cramps, i am already fantasizing about the tight nice calves i will get tomorrow :)

i can safely say im actually happy this year. after some stormy years, it feels great to be able to see things in perspective again. i guess steve jobs best describe the voice from my heart.
'Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.'

facebook has its share of contribution too. the many wishes on my wall, calls and smses reminded me the many friends and families i had all around the world, you know who you are. thanks for making my day, more like my life, so much more meaningful. love you all. muaks.