Father, who am i to you right now?
im nothing that you should even consider looking at
i make no contribution to your kingdom
even the devil pay no attention to me anymore
i no longer walk in victories like i used to do
i no longer walk straight in unshaken faith
i've come to learn that there is no formula in this precarious life of ours
Solomon and Job, none of them could understand it either
it was great to have a purpose, a passion, a job that everyone longs for
someone that loves and hold me through the night
those who sees me envied my life
your Spirit working within me was so powerful
i was sure of everything i say and do
ppl recognised that someone greater than myself was living in me
the question now: do i want to walk back into such a life?
i really dont know, God
do i ever deserve to have it back?
or
do i even want it at all knowing that i can lose it all over again.
there is a fear within that is still haunting me till this day
the pain that time has fail to wash away
will i ever have the courage to embrace back the fullness of life
or would i rather continue mourning over that which is no longer here
what are you teaching me, O God
make it plain to me
that my external failure
will not cause my heart failure too
there are two things i want to be thankful about
i believed that much tears has scourge my heart
i can for real say that 'God is still my God' not only in good times but in my nothingness too
if that is the only two lessons learned
i think i have progressed much
for i once lived by the rumours of how one needs to believe in God throughout good and bad times
i now have it all firsthand
surely You have no reason to take another look at me
and i have no business at Your court
today im nothing and empty handed
which makes You everything, a place rightful for You from the beginning
---
these writing inspired by the books by the two names mentioned above
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
4 mins 53 seconds
i had finally master the game.
of course thanks to my sifu, my 15 years old sister, whose time is still unbeatable for now. 2 mins 10 seconds.
im more than glad having able to fulfill this childhood fantasy of completing it. i never thought it is possible.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
3 gentlemen
the wedding was sweet. pei kuan and andrew love story is beautiful. you will never fully comprehend what i feel because i first know her when she walked off from a very long relationship. to see her walk down the aisle is a classic example of God's continuous faithfulness in each and everyone of our life.
since when i talk about wedding i attend? so let me bring you the real point of my post. these three boys are the most charming siblings i have ever known in my entire life. they not only have good looks, good stature, smart, wise, gentleman, polite but also man with great integrity. all i wanted to do is attend the wedding to see which parents raise such fine kids. im more than happy with what i see.
they are totally the type of guy your parents like as son in law :). too bad the two older boys are taken. all is not lost, noel promise to hook monica and i with his colleague -- a line up of SIA pilots. now is the time to test if he is a man of his words, if he proves to be i might just married a singaporean after all. wish us luck hahaha...
photo courtesy of our ever gorgeous winnie.
Friday, May 23, 2008
my bucket list
inspired by the movie the bucket list (which i have yet to watch), a few of us were discussing about "what is the one thing we will do if we know we have 3 days left to live?"
some says sky diving, "i have fear of height so i guess it doesnt matter since im going to die anyway"
some says travel around the world, "i know i cant do it in 3 days, i will go as far as i can go"
some says sitting around ppl they love, "im going to built a tent outside my house and watch the moonlight with adele (his wife)"
as for me, i cannot decide. which is more morbid?
1. to have a wedding and get married because i believe the marriage vow will be one of the most beautiful thing i will ever say and hear. plus i dont think i am cruel to get married before i die since the vow is always till death do us apart :) i guess i just need to die believing i found someone i love that loves me. i dont need any certificate so he will have no string attach to him hahah...
OR
2. to have a living funeral. it doesnt need to be sad, it can be a party. i mind as well gather everyone and praise God for one last time, meet all my friends and let them tell me what they think about my life then to have my funeral 3 days later when im no longer around. so if i know when im going to die. i am going to do just that. later i was reminded by one of my friend that this is what happen in the book tuesday with morrie. honestly, i cant remember this is in the book. now you wonder how much books you read influence things you do in life.
some says sky diving, "i have fear of height so i guess it doesnt matter since im going to die anyway"
some says travel around the world, "i know i cant do it in 3 days, i will go as far as i can go"
some says sitting around ppl they love, "im going to built a tent outside my house and watch the moonlight with adele (his wife)"
as for me, i cannot decide. which is more morbid?
1. to have a wedding and get married because i believe the marriage vow will be one of the most beautiful thing i will ever say and hear. plus i dont think i am cruel to get married before i die since the vow is always till death do us apart :) i guess i just need to die believing i found someone i love that loves me. i dont need any certificate so he will have no string attach to him hahah...
OR
2. to have a living funeral. it doesnt need to be sad, it can be a party. i mind as well gather everyone and praise God for one last time, meet all my friends and let them tell me what they think about my life then to have my funeral 3 days later when im no longer around. so if i know when im going to die. i am going to do just that. later i was reminded by one of my friend that this is what happen in the book tuesday with morrie. honestly, i cant remember this is in the book. now you wonder how much books you read influence things you do in life.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
things can turn around in a split second
some believe that they need to stay awake to watch the game to give their share of moral support in order that their team win.
some believe that they must not watch the game because they jinx the team.
some went around recruiting "i know your team is not playing tonight. can you support man u for the night pls", as if the number of fans will affect the result.
some asked God "i hope it is not too much to ask for two titles this season".
but most of all im still amazed at the many that stayed up till the wee hours of the morning and are going to work just in a while.
it had been a great season for me. i always think im a social soccer fans. meaning i watch games only when others are watching. but i had been very discipline to sit through all the midnight games these few weeks. staying up at night is nothing except that i was watching it all alone. my heart was beating crazily every minute. and i am very, very proud of myself. these two victories are bonus to me. this game especially reminded me: how many times when the circumstances doesnt look promising, i get dispirited too soon. cheer up, be of good spirit. things can always turn around. sooner than i can imagine.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
here in my home
the first malaysia song that i actually like. love the tune. how does this song come about, read this.
Monday, May 19, 2008
to do list
i didnt believe either that i bought this but i really meant to start reading it soon
or at least pity the two of them that had been sitting there for a while and start watching
or
for the long weekend, i could had gone for my personal getaway.
neither have a finish my work for the weekend.
---
but instead the whole day i went from one party to another party. the first serve scotch-(muf)fin and the latter serve steamboat. both provided liquor with a loads of conversations and laughters. i had a blast. so i will save all those brilliant ideas on top for another day.
or at least pity the two of them that had been sitting there for a while and start watching
or
for the long weekend, i could had gone for my personal getaway.
neither have a finish my work for the weekend.
---
but instead the whole day i went from one party to another party. the first serve scotch-(muf)fin and the latter serve steamboat. both provided liquor with a loads of conversations and laughters. i had a blast. so i will save all those brilliant ideas on top for another day.
Friday, May 16, 2008
oxymoron
"I tried very hard to be the perfect girl but he doesnt seem impress at all. i think the fact that i do not need to impress you allow me to really be myself"
what happens in vegas
what happens in vegas
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
why do people die?
that is probably one of the most frequently ask question, "why do God allow good ppl to die?" this is a bit long but i think there are good stories from the bible. the pages of history that can probably give us a good answer of that question.
1. why do innocent baby die?
'At about this time Jeroboam's son Abijah came down sick. Jeroboam said to the wife. "Do something.... Make a visit to him (prophet) and he'll tell you what's going on with our boy."
Ahijah (prophet) heard her come through the door and said, "... I've got bad news for you. Go and deliver this message I received firsthand from God, the God of Israel, to Jeroboam: I raised you up from obscurity and made you the leader of my people Israel. I ripped the kingdom from the hands of David's family and gave it to you, but you weren't at all like my servant David who did what my I told him and lived from his undivided heart, pleasing me. Instead you've set a new record in works of evil by making alien gods––tin gods! Pushing me aside and turning your back––you've made me mighty angry.
... Go on home––the minute you step foot in town, the boy will die. Everyone will come to his burial, mourning his death. He is the only one in Jeroboam's family who will get a decent burial; he's the only one from whom God, the God of Israel, has good word to say." '
1 kings 14
my observation: could it be so that there will be one person in their lineage that can be spared from such sinful life.
2. why do good people die?
'Hezekiah put his whole trust in the God of Israel. There was no king quite like him, either before or after. He held fast to God––never loosened his grip––and God obeyed to letter everything God had commanded Moses. And God, for his part, held fast to him through all his adventures.
Some time later Hezekiah became deathly sick. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz paid him a visit and said, "put your affairs in order, you're about to die––you haven't long to live."
Hezekiah turned from Isaiah and faced God, praying:
Remember, O God, who I am, what I've done!
I've lived an honest life before you,
My heart's been true and steady,
I've lived to please you; lived for your approval.
And then tears flowed. Hezekiah wept.
Isaiah (the prophet), leaving, was not halfway acroos the courtyard when the word of God stopped him: "Go back and tell Hezekiah, prince of my people, "God's word Hezekiah! From God of your ancestor David: I've listened to your prayer and I've observed your tears. Im going to heal you. In three days you will walk on your own legs into The Temple of God. i've just added 15 years to your life..."
... shortly after this, Merodach-Baladan, the son of Baladan king of Babylon, having heard that the king was sick, sent a get-well card and gift to Hezekiah. Hezekiah was pleased and showed the messengers around the place––silver, gold, spices, aromatic oils, his stockpile of weapons––a guided tour of all his prized possessions. there wasnt a thing in his palace or kingdom that Hezekiah didnt show them.
... Then Isaiah spoke to Hezekiah, "Listen to what GOD has to say about this: The day is coming when everything you own and everything your ancestors have passed down to you, right down to the last cup and saucer, will be cleaned out of here––plundered and packed off to Babylon." '
2 kings 18-20
my observation: if he had died, his children might have continue to lead the kingdom in peace. but his pride had opens doors for him to invite his enemies into his land.
3. why do bad people live?
'In God's judgement he (Manasseh) was a bad king––an evil king. He reintroduced all the moral rot and spiritual corruption that had been scoured from the country when God dispossessed the pagan nations in the favor of the children of Israel. He rebuilt all the sex-and-religion shrines that his father Hezekiah had torn down, and he built altars and phallic images for the sex god of Baal and sex goddess Asherah, exactly what Ahaz king of Israel had done. He worshiped the cosmic powers, taking orders from the constellations. He even built these pagan altars in The Temple of God, the very Jerusalem Temple dedicated exclusively by God's decree to God's Name. And he built shrines to the cosmic powers and placed them in both courtyards of The Temple of God. He burned his own son in a sacrificial offering. He practiced black magic and fortune-telling. He held seances and consulted spirits from the underworld. Much evil-–in God's judgement, a career of evil. And God was angry.
The final word of Manasseh was that he was an indiscriminate murderer. He drenched Jerusalem with the innocent blood of his victims. That's on top of all the sins in which he involved his people. As far as GOD was concerned, he'd turned them into a nation of sinners... Manasseh died and joined his ancestors. He was buried in the palace garden, the Garden of Uzza.'
2 kings 21
my observation: if he is so evil, why not destroy him. he died a normal death. in fact, he lived long enough to commit such a long list of sin. could it be... God was giving him a chance to repent.
---
this is just a humble observation of mine after reading the whole history of the kings of israel. and i cannot help but wonder if there is a reason im still alive today. we all are destine to die one day. it doesnt matter we die a peaceful or tragic death. more important is what we do with the days given to us.
i didnt write this at all because of the recent calamity. but maybe God was preparing me for it because i was dumb-strucked for a whole week after the 9eleven incident. like i always say, death does nothing to the dead for they are no longer here but hopefully it does something to those of us left behind.
God isn't late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesnt want anyone lost. He's giving everyone space and time to change.
2 peter 3.8-9
1. why do innocent baby die?
'At about this time Jeroboam's son Abijah came down sick. Jeroboam said to the wife. "Do something.... Make a visit to him (prophet) and he'll tell you what's going on with our boy."
Ahijah (prophet) heard her come through the door and said, "... I've got bad news for you. Go and deliver this message I received firsthand from God, the God of Israel, to Jeroboam: I raised you up from obscurity and made you the leader of my people Israel. I ripped the kingdom from the hands of David's family and gave it to you, but you weren't at all like my servant David who did what my I told him and lived from his undivided heart, pleasing me. Instead you've set a new record in works of evil by making alien gods––tin gods! Pushing me aside and turning your back––you've made me mighty angry.
... Go on home––the minute you step foot in town, the boy will die. Everyone will come to his burial, mourning his death. He is the only one in Jeroboam's family who will get a decent burial; he's the only one from whom God, the God of Israel, has good word to say." '
1 kings 14
my observation: could it be so that there will be one person in their lineage that can be spared from such sinful life.
2. why do good people die?
'Hezekiah put his whole trust in the God of Israel. There was no king quite like him, either before or after. He held fast to God––never loosened his grip––and God obeyed to letter everything God had commanded Moses. And God, for his part, held fast to him through all his adventures.
Some time later Hezekiah became deathly sick. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz paid him a visit and said, "put your affairs in order, you're about to die––you haven't long to live."
Hezekiah turned from Isaiah and faced God, praying:
Remember, O God, who I am, what I've done!
I've lived an honest life before you,
My heart's been true and steady,
I've lived to please you; lived for your approval.
And then tears flowed. Hezekiah wept.
Isaiah (the prophet), leaving, was not halfway acroos the courtyard when the word of God stopped him: "Go back and tell Hezekiah, prince of my people, "God's word Hezekiah! From God of your ancestor David: I've listened to your prayer and I've observed your tears. Im going to heal you. In three days you will walk on your own legs into The Temple of God. i've just added 15 years to your life..."
... shortly after this, Merodach-Baladan, the son of Baladan king of Babylon, having heard that the king was sick, sent a get-well card and gift to Hezekiah. Hezekiah was pleased and showed the messengers around the place––silver, gold, spices, aromatic oils, his stockpile of weapons––a guided tour of all his prized possessions. there wasnt a thing in his palace or kingdom that Hezekiah didnt show them.
... Then Isaiah spoke to Hezekiah, "Listen to what GOD has to say about this: The day is coming when everything you own and everything your ancestors have passed down to you, right down to the last cup and saucer, will be cleaned out of here––plundered and packed off to Babylon." '
2 kings 18-20
my observation: if he had died, his children might have continue to lead the kingdom in peace. but his pride had opens doors for him to invite his enemies into his land.
3. why do bad people live?
'In God's judgement he (Manasseh) was a bad king––an evil king. He reintroduced all the moral rot and spiritual corruption that had been scoured from the country when God dispossessed the pagan nations in the favor of the children of Israel. He rebuilt all the sex-and-religion shrines that his father Hezekiah had torn down, and he built altars and phallic images for the sex god of Baal and sex goddess Asherah, exactly what Ahaz king of Israel had done. He worshiped the cosmic powers, taking orders from the constellations. He even built these pagan altars in The Temple of God, the very Jerusalem Temple dedicated exclusively by God's decree to God's Name. And he built shrines to the cosmic powers and placed them in both courtyards of The Temple of God. He burned his own son in a sacrificial offering. He practiced black magic and fortune-telling. He held seances and consulted spirits from the underworld. Much evil-–in God's judgement, a career of evil. And God was angry.
The final word of Manasseh was that he was an indiscriminate murderer. He drenched Jerusalem with the innocent blood of his victims. That's on top of all the sins in which he involved his people. As far as GOD was concerned, he'd turned them into a nation of sinners... Manasseh died and joined his ancestors. He was buried in the palace garden, the Garden of Uzza.'
2 kings 21
my observation: if he is so evil, why not destroy him. he died a normal death. in fact, he lived long enough to commit such a long list of sin. could it be... God was giving him a chance to repent.
---
this is just a humble observation of mine after reading the whole history of the kings of israel. and i cannot help but wonder if there is a reason im still alive today. we all are destine to die one day. it doesnt matter we die a peaceful or tragic death. more important is what we do with the days given to us.
i didnt write this at all because of the recent calamity. but maybe God was preparing me for it because i was dumb-strucked for a whole week after the 9eleven incident. like i always say, death does nothing to the dead for they are no longer here but hopefully it does something to those of us left behind.
God isn't late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesnt want anyone lost. He's giving everyone space and time to change.
2 peter 3.8-9
Thursday, May 08, 2008
movies i loathed
lame. (full stop)
the first half was bearable. the second bit when all the space ppl start to appear is just pure ridiculous.
the first half was brilliant, the second half was unnecessary. i cannot believe it is a dreamworks movie.
erm... it is just weird. i dont even know what is wrong.
<
the movie that never ends.
---
of course i never bother to watch scary movie and austin powers to lengthen this list and shorten my life.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
emo
cant stop playing this song. but gosh this video makes me cry... i want my next season of OTH.
---
i miss my man, nathan. to see nathan and haley scott make things right give me a glimpse that every relationship is workable. of course not without a cost.
"a lot of us like the idea of love but not many fight for it because true love is costly. the truth is most of us are not willing to give up so much of ourselves to exchange for that."
---
i miss my man, nathan. to see nathan and haley scott make things right give me a glimpse that every relationship is workable. of course not without a cost.
"a lot of us like the idea of love but not many fight for it because true love is costly. the truth is most of us are not willing to give up so much of ourselves to exchange for that."
Monday, May 05, 2008
a family weekend
i was planning a beach getaway for a while now but had not come to it. then out of the blue my dad booked a family rejuvenating spa package over the weekend to damai laut, it is somewhere near pangkor (in case you dont know where that is).
after lunch facing the beach at the resort, we hit of to pangkor island.
my family
my little sis and me, try to keep that cool look despite the wind and wave.
my youngest sis is currently my most trusted photograher in the family
our first stop, to a nearby village to get some salted fish and tit bits
without further adieu, we hit the beach...
... to fulfill my dying desire to get some tan
but im too shy to post my frontal photos, you can have my back :)
then i need to do some beach-y thing, walk by the beach...
... and take some photos
leng and i made some effort to walk all the way to this hotel to revisit our "surf camp" youth camp site. the place that linked me up to yong howe, ps lawrence and ps seng lee, whom i believe significantly cause my moved to singapore and hook up with the the current fcbc bunch
we indulge ourself with a full body massage, i refuse to go until i make sure we have a 4-1 victory.
the next morning, we went to the poolside and make another attempt to get ourselves a better tan before we hit off to ipoh to get this famous... yim kok kai (salted chicken)
no kidding, we need to wait 40 minutes for it. cars just parked there to wait and nobody complain even a bit.
the boxes stacked all up and i seriously think they make good money. my family alone bought 7 boxes, in an hour i estimate they sell about 60 chickens (not forgetting, i dunno where the full van loads goes to. darn... im sure they make good money
my personal favourites, i think the resorts view are really great especially during sunset.
after lunch facing the beach at the resort, we hit of to pangkor island.
my family
my little sis and me, try to keep that cool look despite the wind and wave.
my youngest sis is currently my most trusted photograher in the family
our first stop, to a nearby village to get some salted fish and tit bits
without further adieu, we hit the beach...
... to fulfill my dying desire to get some tan
but im too shy to post my frontal photos, you can have my back :)
then i need to do some beach-y thing, walk by the beach...
... and take some photos
leng and i made some effort to walk all the way to this hotel to revisit our "surf camp" youth camp site. the place that linked me up to yong howe, ps lawrence and ps seng lee, whom i believe significantly cause my moved to singapore and hook up with the the current fcbc bunch
we indulge ourself with a full body massage, i refuse to go until i make sure we have a 4-1 victory.
the next morning, we went to the poolside and make another attempt to get ourselves a better tan before we hit off to ipoh to get this famous... yim kok kai (salted chicken)
no kidding, we need to wait 40 minutes for it. cars just parked there to wait and nobody complain even a bit.
the boxes stacked all up and i seriously think they make good money. my family alone bought 7 boxes, in an hour i estimate they sell about 60 chickens (not forgetting, i dunno where the full van loads goes to. darn... im sure they make good money
my personal favourites, i think the resorts view are really great especially during sunset.
Friday, May 02, 2008
woah woah or meow meow theology?
i know something was missing. i knew i wasnt quite a believer as i used to be. i was trying to pinpoint at church, ministry and my failure to pursue GOD. but i couldnt really put a finger to something. till we started the series "CAT AND DOG theology" in cell...
and it is mind blowing after the first session. this is a very, very short snipet of it.
1. i immediately started back my devotion, and had not stopped one night despite how late i go to bed. it is a unbelievable, it is GOD because i had tried numerous time the last two years to come back to doing regular devotion but had failed. something happen that night, i found back the REASON to do so. it is not what i can get out of it... it is just like the excitement of chasing after my TV series. i cant wait to see who HE is. i know i had read the bible but i had not read it that way before and now every page i run my finger through seems so fresh and interesting.
2. i slept late, i worked the whole day in PJ, i was stuck in a 1 1/2jam to usj to celebrate my friend's baby birthday, im late for cell. so it is really, really convenient to skip cell group (what i normally would do) plus home is so near. but instead i drove back all the way to ttdi, very close to where i came from earlier. though i was late, knowing what the first session to do me... i didnt want to miss out what the second lesson have to say. this desire and hunger was something i had not had for a very long time. believe me it is really GOD.
---
i have been a christian for 15 years, is it crazy for me to say i suddenly know what it means to be one. reading the bible is beginning to be interesting again. forgive me for blaming everything else but myself. becoming a believer was difficult because i have drifted away from the main character of the bible.
the discussion session is just too loaded, i think i need to get that book to make a deeper reflection to pursue back the very essence of what it means to be a believer again.
someone says i have shaky foundation. i think he is so so right. but i didnt know better.
and it is mind blowing after the first session. this is a very, very short snipet of it.
1. i immediately started back my devotion, and had not stopped one night despite how late i go to bed. it is a unbelievable, it is GOD because i had tried numerous time the last two years to come back to doing regular devotion but had failed. something happen that night, i found back the REASON to do so. it is not what i can get out of it... it is just like the excitement of chasing after my TV series. i cant wait to see who HE is. i know i had read the bible but i had not read it that way before and now every page i run my finger through seems so fresh and interesting.
2. i slept late, i worked the whole day in PJ, i was stuck in a 1 1/2jam to usj to celebrate my friend's baby birthday, im late for cell. so it is really, really convenient to skip cell group (what i normally would do) plus home is so near. but instead i drove back all the way to ttdi, very close to where i came from earlier. though i was late, knowing what the first session to do me... i didnt want to miss out what the second lesson have to say. this desire and hunger was something i had not had for a very long time. believe me it is really GOD.
---
i have been a christian for 15 years, is it crazy for me to say i suddenly know what it means to be one. reading the bible is beginning to be interesting again. forgive me for blaming everything else but myself. becoming a believer was difficult because i have drifted away from the main character of the bible.
the discussion session is just too loaded, i think i need to get that book to make a deeper reflection to pursue back the very essence of what it means to be a believer again.
someone says i have shaky foundation. i think he is so so right. but i didnt know better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
