a fine line between love and used-to-love him

when i was 19 i had a very special feeling for a friend. we dropped very obvious hints for each other - very drama birthday presents, post-it notes that we passed to each other everytime we meet and are too busy to talk to each other. the guessing game went as long as it can, one day i was sure that he likes me and the next day i feel that maybe he was just treating me as a friend.

then the time came that he needed to go oversea to study. he left me with a cassette tape, on the cover it is written: 'only hear this when i am on the plane'. it was pretty hard to hold on the cassette but not play it. nevertheless, i did wait. the content was very sweet, those that can make me cry but still he didn't tell me how he feels for me. i thought maybe he thinks that it is really selfish to tell me he likes me eventhough we can't start a relationship.

life goes on for both of us, we were very bad at keeping in touch, at average we had send each other 2 to 3 emails or snail mail a year. when i was 23, we met once when he came back for holiday. that was a very important day because i really want to know if i still feel the same for him or i was just still in love with the old him. at the end of the meal, it was a good time of catching up but i can see that he is no longer the same guy i used to like. still the time was short to tell anything. so i just left it as it is.

i think that meeting up did released me because at 24, i finally have this very special feeling again. of course history repeats itself, the guessing and waiting. i never think much of him anymore until he send me an email a month before he comes back. "i read the letter you gave me the day i left and am very encourage by it." i started to think again maybe he does still have feelings for me, i mean why bother to pick up a letter i gave you ages before. anyway he came back, we spend some time together and i know that i really don't feel the same for him anymore. more than that, i found out that he is attached. something he didn't tell me in any of the email. i do wonder why though? is it because he wants to keep me as a backup plan or he just didn't have the chance to tell me. anyway that is a close file case, i can peacefully enter my next relationship*.

yes, ppl often say that time will remove those feelings. but i am really capable of liking someone for very long. i guess that is why not meeting up with a person is quite dangerous. it is pretty hard to differentiate if you still love a person or you are loving the him that is in the past. but then again that might be what he wanted. ok maybe not, i don't think he is that cruel but i mean why not right? it is always nice to have someone like you. yes, he never asks me to wait so it is not his fault. in fact i should thank him, if not my record of bfs would probably have hit 2 hands by now. but i think the sad thing is, we never really share to each other anymore. is it true that a guy and a girl cannot be best friends?

also, i don't understand why guys keep their feelings to themselves. i mean why is it that he alone make the decisions for both of us?

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* he is not my second choice. in fact, i felt more comfortable with him more than ever. i just want to be sure with my feelings before i make any decision because honestly if i still like the first guy. i would have continue waiting, man what's with me?