all the beautiful things

concept behind 'the big 3 zero'

All photos by: www.anna-rina.com

"I was also touched when Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour called to propose an article and photo shoot for the December issue of the magazine. It was gutsy of her to offer and counterintuitive for me to accept. In fact, the experience did wonders to my spirits. I wore a glorious burgundy velvet Oscar de la Renta creation for the cover shoot. For a day, I escaped into a world of makeups artists and haute couture. The Annie Leibovitz photographs were great giving me the chance to look good when I had been feeling so low."
Hillary Rodham Clinton words in her biography Living History after the scandal between Bill and Monica Lewinsky

it was anna who presented me the idea of doing this set of photos. she says "it is time to change new FB's profile photo". in case you dont know, i owe almost my entire life profile photo for FB, twitter, msn and whatever else will come our way to her. the last time we did a location shot like this was probably when i was 27. she was in the beginning of her photography career. and now she is a renown photographer. by doing this it reminds me of these two things:
1. seeing how much we had progressed after these 3 years give me great assurance and anticipation for the years ahead
2. she made me believe i still have it. there is a kind of beauty in each of us regardless of our age and a genuine smile trumps wrinkles :)

i attached the 2007 and the 2010 version of myself. if you take a look at the comparison. i haven't change much in my style, just some new clothes.

set1: the soft side



2007 of me. yah the nice straight hair and floral dress

books, not because i really read a lot. but i do enjoy reading. and i definitely read a lot more the last few years than the first two decades of my life. these are books that had influence and inspired me one way or another, these are books i don't mind reading over and over again. many of you who knows me also know that im quite an open book, this is how i like to live my life. im not embarrassed of my past and my struggles because i recognized im only human and i had stopped trying to be perfect. my weakness on a contrary effect had made me more approachable and helped me gain more deeper friendships. recent years i learn to practice the sabbath, where i intentionally choose not to work, but to read and journal, it keeps me sane. this simply show the soft side of me, the fragile and vulnerable side of me.


set2: the wild side



2007 of me. see the red dress! trying to be hot too :)

i do get one or two negative comments on how i dressed up recently. and it is easy to removed them, just trash those dresses away. but after much thought i concluded "no". i like hot. i love victoria beckham. i think hot is a trend, a kind of attitude. though it might give some guys wrong impression of what kind of girl i am, it's ok. im done dressing up to fit the mold of mass production sweet gentle pretty girls. because even if my dress can deceive them, they will find out very quickly im far from that. or maybe because it is a deep down struggle that im frequently being compared to my sister. i like to be styled differently from her. i want to be seen as a separate individual. also, i think there is a difference between hot and slutty. hot girls can be slutty. but slutty girls are not necessary hot. my aim, thus is to be hot, untouchable hot :) i think that is cool or at least for now it is unless i get tired of this style.


set3: chill


i do not have a 2007 photos for this set. i think... i dont know how to be totally real yet :)

coffee, work, apple and me… yes that is me being very comfortable with all my stuff and favorite toys. yes, dont be jealous, that is how my workspace normally looks like. as you can see from my photos, i lie down, i put up my legs, for the record i also eat chicken wings with my hands. that is me, ppl just need to embrace me as i am. at least im real. love me or hate me. your choice. we called that personal preference and i will not be offended by it. or i learn not to be anymore.

view more photos here.
---
i think these 3 sets of photos summarize me in a nutshell. my mum says, "why are your dresses either long long or short short". yah i don't like being in between. I'M MAKING A STATEMENT.

it is a beautiful day

Photo by: www.anna-rina.com

what do you do on your 30th birthday? i sit at starbucks by the glass window sipping my iced latte, seeing cars pass me by. Il dolce far niente, the italian phrase of "the joy of doing nothing" (from the movie eat pray love). i flip to the message psalm 30 that totally summed out my sentiments today. i read through those lines and let those words sink into me.

A David Psalm
I give you all the credit, God—
you got me out of that mess,
you didn't let my foes gloat.

God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm God's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain."
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.

I called out to you, God;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough.

---
then i begin to scribble my heart conditions and a prayer in my little journal.

"Because of You, O God i have the courage to face tomorrow and the years ahead. to learn on the hindsight that there are always light in the end of my tunnel. that heartbreaks, disappointments, betrayals, regrets, and those days that i do not want to wake up to this lousy world though inevitable will pass away; but only the refined me and sweet memories will remain. so i ask only of this O God, a constant assurance of your presence. a heart that will continuously beats with passion. faith big enough to dive in with you in the crazy, great adventure ahead. and finally wisdom to seize the day, manage the resources and opportunities that present themselves to me. cheers to a good year."

put down my pencil, close my journal… look up to the reflection of me on the mirror. *smile*

it's a beautiful day.

the best mistake i've ever made

by joanna wang

One step too far
All at once I'm falling
Just like a star
I'm burning for you
Thought I could keep myself from feeling this way
I guess that was my first mistake

Cause suddenly I'm walking
Down a dark street to your door
Wanting you is driving me insane
And now my feet are standing
Where they've never stood before
Guarded by a twist of fate

If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I've ever made

I'm in your room
Now there's no denying
What's in your eyes
When I look at you
Two shadows talking but they don't make a sound

Words have lost their meaning now

And the air has turned electric
Now I know the time is right
To put myself into your hands
And suddenly I'm shaking
As your fingers touch my skin
I don't need to understand

And if tomorrow proves me wrong
I swear I don't belong
I know I'll carry on

So I will lose myself and bare my soul
Take this chance cause heaven knows
I'm so far gone, my choice is made
And even if my heart should break

When I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I'll always say
You're the best mistake I ever made

cruelity

birthday's surprises doesnt work in our generation anymore. because we often get what we dont want to know.

jar of hearts

by Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half a life
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half a life
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are

day141: wallpaper

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

dear john

Paperweight by Joshua Radi & Schuyler Fisk


Been up all night staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way with so many before
But this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise to go back to bed
I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers i'm waiting
Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers i'm waiting
Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

And no need to worry
That's wastin time
And no need to wonder
What's been on my mind
It's you
It's you
It's you

Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

And i give up
I let you win
You win cause i'm not counting
You made it back
To sleep again
Wonder what you're dreaming

the mountain we need to conquer

here we go, chaiyen and her impromptu trip. i think sometimes i do things like this, because i know if i have more time to think about it, it will never happen. this is one of the thing i never thought i will do in my life but heck im hitting the big 3 zero in months, so i better do it now before physical unfitness and age both become a burden. i only have less than 2.5 weeks to prepare for it and it rumoured to be raining season, i was stressed. so you can imagine i prayed out of my desperation. it is a miracle i made it and the weather turned out to be perfect.



the following few photos are what i had to walk through. i had to say every time i looked up, it did look terribly scary...

LESSON NO1:
i think just like life, sometimes the road ahead can look a bit intimidating but i went through it all just fine. on a hindsight, i actually enjoyed it. oh yahh, and the fact that i can eat 8 chocolate bars in the name of "energy bar" was totally cool.






we took the mersilau route and after 6.5 hours, i made it up to laban rata. i can't tell you how excited i was seeing this iconic building.




i love the most the hike up the peak. i walked this path all alone because i left my room a bit late and i was totally glad i did. there were a few moments i was just speechless while i leaned back on the rock. i looked up the sky filled with stars, i couldnt hold my tears as i chat with the one who created all this.



photo: chaiyen

walking alone is not without a cost :) if you take a closer look, i hurt my chin because i was walking alone and i couldnt see the path clearly. it seems to be no end to it because it was dark, i couldnt see the peak. i kept asking porters who passed by me "berapa lama lagi? (how far more)". i remembered the last porter told me "dekat saja. 5 minit (close, 5 more minutes only)". i challenged him again... "betulkah? (really)". i didnt trust him because most of them kept saying it is close... so that we push on. but before i know it, really i was already there. it was so close but i couldnt see it. after 3.5 hours i finally made it up to the peak, just in time for the sunrise. i have to say, i didnt really want to come down that mountain. in my opinion, mt k till date is the most beautiful place in malaysia i have ever seen. totally breathtaking.

LESSON NO2:
some of us are in darkness and it seems that life will never get better, take heart and keep walking we will be on the mountain top before we know it and we shall see sunlight very soon.







LESSON NO3:
mountains in life are meant to be conquered. intimidating, but every time we conquered each of them, we feel a lot greater and confident of ourself. so maybe there are there for a purpose, to strengthen us. impossible is nothing :)

----
to anna, the babe in the photo with me, the one who made this whole trip possible for me. i wouldnt have done this, if you are not going with me. thanks for bringing me around kk, it is really serene and beautiful. love the whole experience, including getting to know your family. i was rejuvenated.

all photos courtesy of anna-rina unless indicated. for more scenic photos visit her blog. WARNING: it is breathtaking.

can i come closer?

At some point, you came into my heart
Afraid my heart would be found out
I tried to turn away from you
I didn't know I would feel this way
My heart keeps wavering

What am i to do now?
I can't stop my trembling heart
Even if i close my eyes, you appear before me
With my heart likes this, what can i do
Because of you, i cry and laugh

Now, if there is no you, there would be no me
Can i be with you, together with you?

I feel you eyes on me, it makes my heart thrill
Everyday i have moments of doubt
I didnt know i would feel this way
My heart keeps wavering

What am i to do now?
Can i just come closer like this?
Im missing you
Im only looking at you

What can i do with my heart like this?
Looking only at you, i waver
Now, if there is no you, there would be no me
Can i be together with you?

life long objective

'keep your eyes open, hold tight your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping' 1 cor 16.13-14 the message

old news, great lessons

he's not that into you. keep this close to you heart, girls. stop wasting your years hoping on a fantasy that looks nice only on canvas. these are some snippets i copied from NW gossip magazine. her teary eyes caught my attention and i read up the entire article.


' "This whole time she couldnt help but hold out hope that she and Brad would get back together, even though he would never admit to it" a long-time LA based actress friend of Jen's says. "Part of her knew it was silly, but it was always in the back of her mind. And it is not as though Brad's never given Jen reason to hold on to hope – he's been in constant contact with his former wife especially when things with Angelina hit a rough patch.'
NAIVE GIRL NO1: most girls know it is silly, yet we do this over and over again.
JERK NO1: some guys just do what make them feel better without considering how you feel. so forget about them!
LESSON NO1: if they are hanging on to another while telling you how much more comfortable they are with you, they are just treating you as their best friend... nothing more. and guys are capable of having a lot of best friends, dont think too much over it. you are not that special.

'Jen's other trump card was the fact that Brad's mum Jane has always adored her and hated Ange. But when Jen recently saw photos of Brad and Ange in Venice with Brad's parents, it ripped her heart out.'
NAIVE GIRL NO2: we love it when their parents and friends are on our side.
JERK NO2: they have to constantly remind you that everyone else loves you, but they forget to tell you except for them.
LESSON NO2: it doesnt matter if the whole world sees that you are perfect couple (at least half a world in this case). fact is, if that he doesnt like you... who cares the mum likes you. if someone can make them love you, it is not really love then.

'... while Jen's love rival makes plans for her big day, she has been left shattered.
"To her it is the ultimate betrayal by Brad," says her Hollywood actress friend.
"All this time, with the phone calls and secret meetings, she believed they would one day be Mr and Mrs Pitt again.
"And now she knows that will never happen." '
NAIVE GIRL NO3: yah after 3 kids, you cant imagine right now Jen is still wishing that something will happen and they wont make it to the vow. a bit like Man U... girls never say die. sometimes you wonder what got into us.
JERK NO3: they always left you thinking that there is something more, no actually... they just dont mind the attention. guys are equally attention seeking idiots. they just dont admit it. they like the excitement and trill of a rendezvous to feed their manhood, and you are just a perfect candidate.
LESSON NO3: if you want to be there... whatever, just dont think too much about it. just remember always, dont think too much till they say it. SORRY, i mean even when they say it... till they consistently show it. if you still need to guess their intentions, it is just not it.

IT'S FOR THE BEST
While Jennifer might not see it now, a relationship expert says that Brad's commitment to marry Angelina might be just what the, er, doctor ordered.
"She made a promise to be married forever and he broke it. She has just not gotten over it," says psychologist Dr Janet Hall of Jen's years of torture since the 2005 divorce.
"It could be the best thing for her as it ends all hopes of her legitimately getting him back."
Dr Hall says that men Jen's dated, particularly notorious playboys John Mayer and Gerard Butler, were simply lonely-night fill-ins until she got Brad back.
"If she was still pinning for Brad she have deliberately chosen bad boys who were never going to settle," Dr Hall says.
"It says that she doesnt expect a lasting relationship in choosing the bad ones and that perhaps she is not worthy since Brad left her. But now she really is free to create a lasting love with a man who can be true."
Here's hoping.
NAIVE GIRL NO4: yah girls are confused being. we want to pretend we are doing equally as well but we jumped off from one cliff to another. not sure what we are thinking. maybe we are hoping someone will come save us before the next jump.
JERK NO4: And all those other idiots, they take advantage of girls like this. they must be thinking "they know what we are like, and they are coming to our arms. woo hoo... let's eat them alive."
LESSON NO4: Why girls go for bad boys? maybe it is a way to avoid getting into anything more serious again because it hurts. maybe knowing they are bad boys makes you feel better if they surprised you by turning good, then when they look all angelic and prince charming but turned up like a mess.

---
come out of the shade by the perishers

human history

We try to be our own masters as if we had created ourselves. Then we hopefully strive to invent some sort of happiness for ourselves outside of God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come human history... the long, terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.
CS Lewis

let's ditch Justin Case

very good read. should read this again and again. so im keeping it here.

3 type of guys

guys no1
they dont like to tell girls about anything, nor do they like to hear girls mumble about themselves.
- in the beginning, that might be considered cool. and girls, if you think he will open up, you shouldnt be surprised he doesnt.

guys no2
they like to tell girls about everything, and they are good listeners to every girls.
- they make girls feel very special, unfortunately soon they will know that they are not the only one.

guys no3
they only tell one girl about their things and they are interested to know her only.
- this is ideal but rare nowadays... so i guess we can make do with guys no2.

day140: STOP

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day139: almost lover

love this song.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day138: impulsive

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day137: WIP

i like Work In Progress guy.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day136: chocolate

the younger generation call that chocolate. *yummy*


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

the days without you by jill xu

The road home seems far, it's a pity words are few
In a single-person dinner, the flavor is only loneliness
At my side, I see the movie repeating, a frame of us
Why do these eyes that choose to avoid it all still cry tears?

Loving you everyday, you are my world
At that time, I still thought I would only love this once
The days without you, happiness seems so far away from me
My heart has already left with you, so I can't feel much right now?

I can't bear to open my eyes, afraid that you're not by my side
Perhaps in dreams, the distance between us is the closest
I miss your warm palms, I'm embraced by a cold wind
When winter comes again, how will this temperature continue?

(Spoken)
Hey it's me
You know it's rainin' outside right now
Remember back in the days, when we use to run around in the rain
and just get wet like that, that was back in the days
You know, leaving you was the toughest thing I had to do
It's not what I want, I know we'll meet again
I miss you, goodbye

Thank you for having loved me, giving me a most beautiful memories*
But life loves to be deprived, how should I walk this road ahead alone?

day135: home

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day134: underlining meaning

bottom line of the book.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day133: a dread

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day132: roller coaster

"Love is like a roller coaster, it has twists and turns, ups and downs, and you never know when the ride is going to end" Kimberly
it lifts you up to the highest point just to make sure you feel the pain when it drops.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day131: normal day

it is sad, when you actually thank God when it is just a normal day.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day130: my head

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day129: below average

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day128: unexpected

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day127: expensive affair

it is pricey to cover the wound.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day126: a new bad habit

new revelation: beer taste sweet when you are depressed.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day125: stealing time

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day124: running out of fuel

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day123: accounts

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

almost lover

the art of befriending your ex boyfriend

since a lot of ppl are always amaze how i can still be so close to my exes. let me share how i master the art of befriending my ex bfs.

1. if you don't find yourself secretly cursing him, that is a good start. if you sincerely still want to see him successful n marry that perfect woman and have that happy family regardless you are in the picture or not, then we can do this. to remember this person is first your best friend before becoming your boyfriend.
2. to recognise that it is nobody's fault that this relationship doesn't work out, that we both tried but it didn't turn out as planned. 
3. let them make use of you :) let them call you when they have an heartache. let them call you for design opinions and design free namecards (my skills). well i guess it works vice versa when your friendship get stronger.
4. to call them out without overthinking it. i mean if you still want to play the game, it is going to be pretty hard. because the game is being very calculative with your steps.
5. to not hope for anything more besides this friendship. to not feel jealous who they are dating now. seriously they can turn out to be the best person to tell you what game the new guy is playing. they can rebuke you freely because things they nevr dare to say straight to your face, they can tell you now without sounding like an expectation. isnt it cool to have someone to prepare you for the next relationship? 

so I don't see why we should cut off these past relationships. they had been and will be my best friends. friendship without expectations. a bliss. 
 

day122: arvo coffee

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day121: sorry

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day120: bachelors' party

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day119: D-day

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day118: the quake

cry buckets watching these videos.


each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day117: the cause

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

the man behind THE GAME

Dont ask me why i picked up the book:
The rules of the GAME by Neil Strauss.

It is the follow-up to the No1. Bestseller The Game

---
I think i need to know how they sweep me off my feet every time, despite me being so cautious each time. im wondering if it is all a lie and magic power that cause them to be able to detach their feelings from it all. i enjoyed reading the The Style Diaries which i get to read inside his thought life. one interesting thought i picked up from his "30 Day Experiment" story is he can actually sincerely or lustfully feel, miss, and want all 3 girls at the same time. contrary to what i think, he actually fall in love (lets use this word loosely here) faster than average ppl. yahh, he is actually capable of missing a girl he never even meet before while having sex with another. he actually have the thought of marrying a girl he meets after a few hour though they never even have sex at all. so in a way he is not some sort of superhero that can detach his feelings.

it is interesting he didnt compile all his success stories in this book, but his very humbling and i would say more human side... dare i say these are the more memorable stories of his. but i think the most unexpected thing about this book is the postface. i dont understand why he wants to end the book this way but maybe he is not such a terrible guy after all. [there i go, i think of them better than they are]

---
"So why did your last relationships fail"
"I guess they failed because the women developed certain behaviors that made me doubt the success of a forever-type of relationship with them." [Neil]
"And i suppose you didnt have anything to do with the development of these behaviors?
"Of course i did. it always takes two."
"And now you've decided to be alone and miserable forever?"
"i just tried so hard to make these relationships work."
"How exactly did you try?"
"i was honest. i was faithful. i cut off all the other women i was seeing. i didnt tell lies or carry on secret flirtations or sneak around behind their backs." [sounds familiar, to their credit i believe every player has tried this at least once or twice though that actually should be the prerequisite for every relationship]
"And that's how you make a relationship succeed? By not having an affairs with other women? That's like saying you learn to swim by getting in the water. It's a given... Did you ever stop to consider that you never really tried?... You worked really hard to learn the game. You read every book there was, traveled around the world, met all the experts, and spent years making countless approaches to perfect the craft."
"I think i see what you're getting at... That maybe i need to learn how to have a relationship in the same way i learned the game."
"Ultimately, you're going to have to make a choice at some point in your life. And that choice to decide: Do you want to find a woman to spend your life with and make a family together? Or do you want to keep giving in to your impulses and continuing to have sex adventures and relationships of varying length until you can't anymore?"

Something he left the readers with. interesting isnt it.

day116: fuel up

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day115: i miss reading

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.