mix emotions

i am a bit drained out emotionally.

^ my friend just decided to break off with his bf. i accompanied her the whole time she was deciding, which is yesterday till the break off today. i didn't sleep much like her and i was pretty much sharing every questions that was going through her mind. the second in the group.
v another friend got pregnant. she is the second mummy in the group... wow.
^ going for a wedding tomolo
v not sure if she will be ok without me around the whole weekend.
^ he is finally treating me like a friend.
v why does he want to do 'that'?
^ going to singapore next week.
v i haven't finish some work. there are a lot i need to do in KL actually.

life is full of ups (^) and downs (v) but i don't expect so many in a day and these are the most drastic ones. i have a mix emotions for almost everything that is happening. weird.

---
thank God for everything that happen to us and yes most of all thank God for friendships.

not just another love story

i don't really allow myself to get into ash/christabel grand passion kind of thing. jealousy, obsession, all that, not anymore. he said
you are lucky then - it all get so self tangled. she said

i really like this movie possession a lot.

is it the poetry?

is it the promises?

is it because gwyneth paltrow and aaron eckhart are both so good looking?

is it the letters?

is it the ending?

i really don't know. maybe because i am a viewer this time round. it is really nice for once you get to know what the two lovers are thinking - the unsaid words that are only found on the pages of their diaries and the unsent/unreceived letters.

---
i have quite a lot archieved too. hhmmm maybe someone can make a movie for me. maybe you will find some letters i should had received too. if you still have anything you want to tell me pls don't bring it to me only when i am in my grave.

i cannot let you be burned nor can i resist you. no mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.

don't you ever walk away from me again

i feel for her because like every girl, she felt that her bf is not treating her the same - sentences get shorter, phone calls get lesser, doesn't want to bring her out.

i feel for her because like every girl she asked "is there something wrong? do you want to talk about it?"
after hearing her i concluded it is true, i have never hear a guy tells his gf i have lost the feeling for you, can we do something about it. never. the girl always has to be the one that feels it and bring it up and then the guy will tell you things like "yah i think so there is a problem but i don't really know how to tell you." especially for girls that think a lot, there have to figure out for the rest of their life what did i do wrong. worst still to suffer the not-good-enough syndrom. so pls guys bring up your issue when you have it.

i feel for her because she can actually says this "if i never bring it up maybe we wouldn't end up in this stage now."
so is it true we need to be transparent in a relationship? if we girls are always the one that bring up the problems it seems like we are full of problems eventhough our intention is too iron things up.

i feel for her because i know his words can be hurtful now, even more because she still loves him.

i feel for her because there are friends that can actually add fuel to the situation as if it is not bad enough.

i feel for her because i know the ball is not in her court and she can't do anything about it.

i feel for her because when she lost her feelings for him, she gave him a chance to do something and now he is not opening himself.
why is it always so much easier when a guy loves a woman to win her heart over again than a woman to win back the heart of a man.

i feel for her because i remember days when guys queue up for her and now she has to be in a stage of courting a guy.

i feel for her because this stupid fella only decides to think like this now, stealing the best years of her life.
let me warn you guys not to drop a girl in their late 20s, unlike guys not many of them want to settle down after 30. the older they get, the more serious they take relationship.

i feel for her because she actually says if he is going to call it off i am going to tell him i'll wait.
i know a lot of you will say that is stupid but you don't know what love can make you do when you find that one that you believe is the one.

---
i am glad that i didn't say something stupid, that will hurt her even more. beginning to see light that surely everything happens for a purpose. when i hear her share today i nearly tear. what happen to the order of creation - guys pursuing girls? what happen to loving the person forever - for better or worst? what happen to those beautiful words - you complete me? i hear her but i know there is nothing that both of us can do. may God do what we all cannot do and knit these hearts together once again.

don't you ever walk away from me again, kate hudson from you me and dupree. that will be the perfect ending now.

are you in love?

remember those times you are guessing if you are in love. at some point it is "just friends". at some other point you know that it is more than that. you are definitely in love if you are thinking of someone now and checking if you match any of the symptoms below.

you know you are in love if:
1. you always want him to be the first to know.
*you feel super horrible if he doesn't share the same feelings as you. (okie guys are blur)

2. you call him when you are in trouble and secretly hopes that he comes and rescue you.
*you feel a bit disappointed if he doesn't show up. (okie guys are blur again)

3. you say you are not tired to talk eventhough you are dead tired. (suddenly revived)
*you feel rejected when you call him and he says he is tired. (okie understand that he is just honest!)

4. you say you are tired to go out but when he calls, you suddenly become free. (suddenly revived again)
*you just don't want to meet anyone that just called you out. (okie girls are not very honest)

5. you actually cancel appointments so that you are free to go out with him.
*to be ffk-ed by him after that will be super horrible. (okie he never asks me to do that)

6. you actually keep valentine's day, birthday and special days free so that he can ask you out.
*you might end up feeling more lonely than ever if he doesn't call. (right, i should have plan something and play hard-to-get)

7. you always remember the things he mentions and get them for him.
*you will be a bit disappointed if he tells you, "oh you use it yourself. i got them already." (okie no one ask me to get it)

8. you want to watch again the most romantic movie you just watch, with him. if not at least get him to watch it.
*you will be mad if he watches it with another girl. (right, who tells you to tell him what is romantic?)

9. you make sure you look good everytime you see him. even if you only have a possible chance of seeing him.
*you will be so sad if he keeps looking at other girls on the street. (yes, even if i dress like them you won't say anything)

10. you know it when you keep telling other ppl about him.
*sometimes you will be the last to know you are in love. but everyone knows including him. (great! how embarassing)

---
that is how you know he likes you too. i guess sometimes why you don't feel that you are loved that is because you don't see these things happen anymore after you start courting.

* does happen. but if * happens too often, know that he doesn't likes you. if you still like him.... you have just gone to the greatest level of love. i don't know if i should congratulate you or sent my condolences to you :)

him=her
---
this period of guessing can be up (you think he likes you) and down (you think he doesn't). it can be tiring but i think i prefer this time than not having anyone that i can guess. life is always more interesting when you are in love. eventhough he is not yours.

---
btw i am not so tired now. i woke up in the middle of the night and i can't go back to sleep. so that is why you get this entry. i can't really blog things like that when i am tired. i wonder why? btw i find pleasure writing things like that. hmm is this a new gift.

so many things at the back of my mind

finished my shoot at 2am. still remember when i left my house this morning, my eyes are already too tired to put on my lenses.

knee still painful. blood test showed that it is not a health problem. need to go for further check up. but don't have the cash to do it. need to plan that when i am free. it normally doesn't hurt for so long, it's about a week now.

the magazine still not done, and i know it will take forever to do that world map. i don't even feel like starting on it.

meeting a new client tomorrow or wednesday, my goodness i can't even remember what she said to me but i think i am not going to take that job. i really don't feel like it.

keep reminding myself not to stress my laptop too much because my mac was in comma over the weekend. i really didn't know what to do because the whole magazine layout is inside that hard disk. but thank God the service centre managed to recover back most of my things.

still thinking what God is teaching me even these few days. people. people. people.

need to plan my penang trip end of the month. going down for may and ky vern's wedding.

trying to make time to go to singapore. to meet people and get some money from my singapore account.

got facial appointment this thursday.

since he took my number to make sure we figure our way home on friday. she asked me today "did he call you?", yah that makes me wonder why he didn't call.
---
why am i not sleeping yet because i got a lot of things on my mind and i need to unwind before i go to bed.

scar: the visible and not visible

e: i hope the blood test comes back with good results
cy: actually i want it to be health problem. then he will give me some pills and fix that. if not i will have to go through another test... he will put a scope into my knee and take some tissues inside to check what's wrong.
e: ouch... that sounds painful
cy: hope the result of this blood test will be positive. i don't want another scar on my knee
e: another?
cy: yah i got a lot of scars on my body and legs hahahahah

this leads to a new train of thoughts.
from birth
birth mark on my forehead

3 years old
sitches on my forehead. when my auntie pulled me to go upstairs, i refused bang to the edge of the stairs handle
4 years old
sitches on my eye brow. house renovation... the carpet rolled up. i jumped across and around it... then bang i knocked the glass door
5 years old
stiches on my chin. i didn't bring my swimsuit on swimming day in pre school. i still want to walk around the pool so i slipped.

one for every year. i got slightly better after that.

about 9 years old
a burn scar on my leg. i was waiting for my school bus then i was standing very near a bike. the exhaust pipe is still burning hot and a touch is enough.
12 years old
a tattoo on my hand. shortly after i take my BCG shot, someone accidentally pushed me and it hit the door. the started to grow a little and of course my itchy hand didn't help.
14 years old
hurt both side of my legs while i was walking home from school then i wrongly estimate, i fell into the big longkang. my dad always tease me "must be looking at guys, that is why you didn't keep your eyes on the road."

---
scars on my physical body had cause me to feel insecure a lot of time but at least i know about it and i know how to face it. sometimes i wonder how many wounds and scars are on my heart that are still affecting what i am doing today. people say "it is a matter of time, wound will heal" but i am beginning to think likewise because these scars had never leave me.

what i heard so far

it comes to a point when i know all the ppl around me know what i am going through. i would say that it affects a lot the opinions they give me. i would say i am looking for fresh words.

cy: since you preach the message stuck in the moment. how do i know i am stuck/stagnant or it is a waiting time?
ps nick: if you are stuck you are walking in circles, you don't have a purpose. if you are waiting you have the peace. are you disappointed about anything?
cy: ... (i said something)
ps nick: i heard that word in my heart too.

after he prayed for me. "i tell you what you should do, keep a journal for 21 days and start listening to God again.

now i understand a little. to be stucked is like the israelites in the desert but waiting can be with disappointment like joseph but a peace from within.
---

Day 1: drop and listen
Drop everything and listen, listen as he speaks:
"Don't turn a deaf ear as in the Bitter Uprising,
As on the day of the Wilderness Test,
When your ancestors turned and put me to the test.
For forty years they watched me at work among them,
as over and over they tried my patience.
And i was provoked-oh was i provoked!
'Can't they keep their minds on God for five minutes?
Do they simply refuse to walk down my road?'
Exasperated, i exploded,
They'll never get where they're headed,
never be able to sit down and rest.' psalm95.7-11

if you read the déjà vu entry you will know that i had been weighing which category i belong to. i vividly remember that God told me to drop everything and just love Him, i ought to have that peace. the verse today affirms me of this decision. which category am i in? it might not be an or but an and. i am stuck because i had drop everything but i had not fulfill the latter. i am feeling better at least i know i am not too far from the right track.

Day 2: to serve beyond the church
"i cannot pastor a church anymore if all we do is look after Christians."
"it is time for the church to love the community, just love them like Jesus does and not just to convert them. Jesus never say i will heal you if you believe in me." Ps Danny Guglielmucci.

i said those words before and i am really pondering on that. he did something after that statement but i had not. there is something God has put in my heart that i had not done. how should my team be? a dream team is not to robe in ppl to do but gather those that wants to do. this time we are not looking for moses that says "i can't speak, i can't lead". we are looking for ezekiel that says "here am i, sent me". we are not looking for the capable but the willing. but to gather a team like this might take forever, so if God is willing.

Day 3: community=the common struggles that unite us
my kids want to meet me. we shared about what we are struggling now and how we would like to fix it. all of them couldn't really tell what they had learned from the conference but we are using this conference to be the beginning of change. once again i am bless by just meeting with them. the transparency, trust and love they have for each other. i know at least they are not stumbled by my action especially when i am sharing and ivan asked "you have drop everything so have you start loving Him yet?" my goodness my kid think like me. which i humbly answer, not yet and finish my sharing for day 1. we all prayed and they prayed for me too. btw did i tell you i never feel that to be a role model to them means that i need to hide my struggle from them.

---
yes, usually i blog about things i think about only after a few days so that it is not just a spur of a moment. anyway i don't seem to be hearing anything these few days. the thing is after this conference i don't feel a great excitement to serve, nor a great presence of God that struck me. i merely felt affirmed for things that i had been hearing from my heart and that is very important to me. honestly life is going on as usual but maybe i am not as confuse about my relationship with God.

please wait

3.00 i went to the clinic outside my house. he refered me to sunway medical centre.
3.20 i went to sunway medical centre.
3.25 i parked my car.
3.30 i walked to the information counter. i gave her the refered letter from the clinic. she directed me to the emergency ward.
3.35 i asked the nurse at the emergency ward counter. she told me to go to the information counter. i told her that is where i came from. she took a look at my letter and send me to the first floor.
3.40 i went up to the counter on first floor. she directed me to counter 1.
3.45 i walked over to the direction she pointed and the nurse at the counter said there is no counter 1, this is counter 2 she said. "fine, so do i register here?". i showed her the letter. she gave me a form to register. she asked me: "do you want to see a chinese, indian or malay doctor?" (later i came to understand it wasn't a racist thing, it helps for those who can't communicate in other language)
3.50 i was told to wait.
4.15 i am still waiting. i checked the room of the doctor, it was opened. he is not inside. i checked with the nurse, he was checking on a patient at the ward.
4.50 the doctor is back. finally. one patient went in.
4.55 he is out, ok that is fast. the next guy went in. i cannot stop laughing, "wow wait for him longer than see him".
5.00 "wong chai yen"... yes that is my name. i went in quickly. he kept asking me stuff about my knee. he told me a lot of stuff that i don't understand. "ok go and take your blood test, we can only comfirm what it is when the result is out."
5.05 the nurse right outside his office collected RM80 from me for his consultation fee. then she told me go over there to get your medicine and pay the balance.
5.10 just when you thought the waiting is over. "please take your number".
5.30 pay for registration fee and medicine RM140. "please wait for your name to be called to get your medicine."
5.35 i didn't care... i just walked to the medicine area, pointed to those tablets. "that is my name, can i take that and go take my blood test."
5.37 i went to ground floor. asked someone there. "oh blood test lower ground floor."
5.40 "please wait."
5.50 "wong chai yen". i look at the needle, man i had not seen a needle for quite a while. i am actually quite scared so i consoled myself, "look somewhere... it will be fine... like the way an ant bite you."
5.55 i successfully walked out of the hospital.
6.15 i am home.

RM80 for 5 minutes of jargon = RM16 per minute,
RM50 for 10 pills = RM5 for each pill,
RM75 for the blood test and lab work - great i have to pay RM75 for donating my O+ blood,
RM10 for the registration paper - according to my printing experience RM15 can print the whole registration book, so i just paid for half of it.

i don't normally go to the doctor. the most i can remember was when i was a bit overworked at page one. i need to see the doctor to get a mc when i don't feel like working. now that i am a freelancer, i don't need it anymore.

no wonder i don't see the doctor when i get sick. if i am having a fever, i rather sleep through the time of waiting. if i have a flu all the people in the hospital will be infected before i can see the doctor. if i am bleeding i think i will be dead by the time the doctor see me. anyway what's my problem, my knee swell again. why? oh the doctor said he can only tell after my blood test is out. so that he can see me again and this whole thing can repeat itself.

i wanted to be with you

i remember when i was kid. i did things that i never really like - football, colour marbles, eraser with the countries' flags - just to be with people. i will get extremely sad when they see me coming and leave me alone there to play other things. i didn't want to play with those stuff, i just wanted to be with them.

many will be surprise to hear me do sports because that is not who i am. swimming, running, climbing... as you know i rather sleep than to sweat. all that for the company.

i would love to travel and see the world. i thought that is totally romantic but if not with him what is the kick. i am not the kind of girl that will backpack and rough it all out in an alien country all by myself. yes, the bangkok and hong kong trips. all that for the company.

i would rather work, watch dvds and eat dinner at home. but i wanted some new colleague, ppl to laugh at me when i cry in the movies and talk to me during dinner. all that for the company.

then i wonder maybe things don't change much as you grow up, eventhough the manner change. therefore i do get sad still when ppl leave me alone to play with my things, i was here for the company. i am not sure if you understand me. it is not 'peer pressure'. i didn't come and join you so that i can feel 'in'. i walked out of my comfort zone so that i can spent some time with you. there are still days i drag to do those things i don't like to do and wish you will go and "watch ballet with me". but you are worth my time and i learn to enjoy those things, also maybe there are not too many things i like to do anyway.

---
DISCLAIMER: ballet is not my cup of tea, i took that phrase from the break-up. i just meant doing things i like to do. it makes me feel extremely special when you go out of your way to do things i like to do. is this a girl thing again?