my memoirs

the end and the beginning

2011-12-31T20:24:00.003+08:00

wake up this moment standing at the end of the chapter of this year
not sure if i had pushed myself to be the best
not sure if i had really make the most out of it
definitely sure grace had accompany me throughout

i wouldnt say it is the most eventful year
nor will i say it is any less eventful
nothing i say i cannot forget
yet a lot i know i will say one day i treasure dearly

i thank God for the friends i made
i thank God for those i did not
i thank God for those far away
i thank God for those next to me

i thank God for the conversation made
i thank God for the crazy things we do
i thank God for the people that shower me with love and smiles
i thank God for the cakes, chocs and coffee

i thank God for the noisy time we had,
and the quiet space we had
i thank God for striving through the busy schedule,
and the hardship we go through together

mistakes i make this year may i find more grace to not repeat it again
may He keeps me close to his heart, may i live with more passion
may i recognise the greatest that He has install for me, may i see the beauty all around me
may grace, love and hope bring me and you through the next chapter

i wrote

2011-09-29T20:19:00.000+08:00

i picked up my pencil for the first time after many months
this journal which used to be my only outlet to keep my heart intact
Oh how i forgotten you
like i forget many things in my life

maybe i have not forget you
maybe im just fearful to write anymore
maybe i dont want to admit im lost
maybe i dont want to face the fact -- im far away from home.

God where are you?
and i dont mean you are hiding
God where are you?
i meant im lost
help me find my way back home

i cant remember when
i cant remember which direction i took
not too long because i cant seem to forget you
yet long enough, i dont seem to be able to trace my way back home

God where are you?
i seem to see you but i cant touch you
at times, like a dream
and i lost you again the next waking day

is the way back home that far?
will i ever find my way back?
honestly it's hard to believe the possibility
yet i believe, and i want to keep this hope

that one day, i'll be home again
one day, i'll be back in your embrace
one day
i only hope one day will not wait no more
and when one day come, i'll still recognise home when i find it
one day

---
i wrote the above after coming across what Vance Havner observed: "How long you've been a Christian tells you how long you've been on the road, but it doesn't tell you how far you've come."

exiling love by jie wei ling

2011-08-30T21:01:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I feel so lonely
Even though you haven't said anything
You just held me tightly
but said to me gently
I'm only a friend
The love is different
The love I give bears no fruit

I don't get it, I know I'm not wrong
Forgot to put lock on the heart that loves you
Foolishly let love became a torture
You don't care about me at all
I still love without giving up
I choose to step aside for the love of you

Being exiled to the cold border
Learning that ambiguity is not sweet
Not caring the so called unfairness
Quietly leaving, gently closing my eyes
Quietly put it there

you learn

2011-08-24T12:32:00.001+08:00

"You Learn.

You Learn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth...

And you learn and learn...

With every good-bye you learn."

— Jorge Luis Borges

happy alone

2011-08-02T21:07:00.003+08:00

"There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever"

meredith, grey's anatomy

because im a girl

2011-06-21T10:59:00.001+08:00

"BECAUSE I'M A GIRL" by Kiss
Version English
I just can't understand the ways
Of all the men and their mistakes
You give them all your heart
And then they rip it all away

You told me how much you loved me
And how our love was meant to be
And I believed in you
I thought that you would set me free

(REFRAIN):
You should've just told me the truth
That I wasn't the girl for you
Still, I didn't have a clue
So my heart depended on you, whoa

(CHORUS):
Although I'll say I hate you now
Though I'll shout and curse you out
I'll always have love for you
Because I am a girl

Been told a man will leave you cold
Get sick of you and bored
I know that it's no lie
I gave my all, still I just cry

Never again will I be fooled
To give my all when nothing's true
I won't be played again
But I will fall in love again

(REFRAIN)

(CHORUS)

I loved you so
Now you leave me in the cold
How could this be
I thought that you'd only love me

Into the night
I will pray that you're alright
You hurt me so
I just can't let you go

You took advantage of my willingness
To do anything for love
Now I'm the only one in pain
Will you please take it all away

Never thought being born a girl
How I can love you and be burned
And now I will build a wall
To never get torn again

august rush

2011-04-28T22:56:00.001+08:00

strangers again

2011-04-24T16:25:00.002+08:00

the thing is we all know the pattern but we just can help but let it happen all the same again.

we're all afraid of pain by wilber pan

2011-03-31T01:04:00.005+08:00

from the taiwan tv series endless love

Synopsis, Story and preview:
Song Rui En had always believed that she would marry his childhood sweetheart one day. But her belief changed after she met Liang Jing Hao, a wisecracking guy who turned her world upside down. She was a girl from a rich family without a care in the world. And he was a penniless man with a chip on his shoulder. They overcame many obstacles to be together. But when Liang walked out on her the day before their wedding, she was at a loss to understand his reason. He reappeared three years later to find out, she is still waiting. Maybe to say waiting is an understatement. But yah, girls do that. What's wrong with them, idiot. Oh, i mean the girls.

---
Something strike a chord here.

dream

2011-02-20T16:28:00.001+08:00

a dream

2011-01-31T01:13:00.008+08:00

i usually wouldnt take notice of chinese singing competition. but her story is one worth telling.

7 years ago at malaysian idol finale. (incidentally i was there)

this same girl, jess lee makes a very loud statement today. never give up in your dreams. champion of this season Taiwan, One In Million. she scored full points for all her 4 songs in the finale. so much so the judges was tempted to announce her winner before the show was over. they also said she can sign up with a recording studio immediately and cancel off her CNY plans :)

her story:

more

usual sucker, i teared hearing her stories and when she sings.

---
her mum statement to her: "failures are stepping stones to success, which successful person doesnt have some?". what doesnt brings you down, makes you even stronger.

visualise, baby

2011-01-28T01:45:00.009+08:00

NYC - Mindrelic Timelapse from Mindrelic on Vimeo.

a letter to my child

2011-01-28T00:49:00.007+08:00

Dear darling,

Mummy just want you to know no matter where you are and what you are doing, regardless of your academic achievements, mummy and daddy love you very much.

My only prayer for you is that you live a faith driven life. A life that dare to walk into the unknown and move mountains because you know that God is with you. A heart strong enough to believe the God of the impossible, I believe you will do great things.

Examine your days and let everything be done with purpose in mind. If you have no reason to do something it is not worth your energy. When you find that purpose to do something then go all out to do it. Give your best shot, you have nothing to lose.

In all this adventure and passion do not forget people. For a life of purpose and excitement with no one in it is meaningless. Value every life that cross your path. Love them, see them and learn from them. That is life. That is so much more fulfilling than anything you can imagine.

love, mummy
2010

---
i wrote this in 2010, in this activity i was asked "what would you write to your future child?". i realised when i read it again that it actually encompasses all that matters to my life. It is like last words before you die, you only say things that matter. so i feel i need to reread this again and again, so that i can constantly reexamine what really matters in life. because so often, we are preoccupied with things that doesnt matter.

love the way you lie cover by stephenie gee

2011-01-28T00:30:00.003+08:00

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because i like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because i love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Always thought you and i were perfect
I could tell you from the start
Thought you were gonna be my man
but then you left, tore me apart
And now you are gone
You ain't by my side
Got me askin' questions
Cause everything we were was all a lie
When were you gonna tell me
Oh how you feel
Why you gotta wait so long to tell me it was all unreal

Everyday i sat by just waiting
For you to come back home
But then i saw you with a girl
Broke my heart, and left me cold
Seems so unreal
Cant' grasp this thought
Couldn't sleep at all last night
Cause just realised it was all a lie
When were you going to tell me
Just how you feel
Left me for someone else and here I am caught up in tears

all the beautiful things

2010-10-10T01:18:00.001+08:00

concept behind 'the big 3 zero'

2010-10-02T22:43:00.015+08:00

All photos by: www.anna-rina.com

"I was also touched when Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour called to propose an article and photo shoot for the December issue of the magazine. It was gutsy of her to offer and counterintuitive for me to accept. In fact, the experience did wonders to my spirits. I wore a glorious burgundy velvet Oscar de la Renta creation for the cover shoot. For a day, I escaped into a world of makeups artists and haute couture. The Annie Leibovitz photographs were great giving me the chance to look good when I had been feeling so low."
Hillary Rodham Clinton words in her biography Living History after the scandal between Bill and Monica Lewinsky

it was anna who presented me the idea of doing this set of photos. she says "it is time to change new FB's profile photo". in case you dont know, i owe almost my entire life profile photo for FB, twitter, msn and whatever else will come our way to her. the last time we did a location shot like this was probably when i was 27. she was in the beginning of her photography career. and now she is a renown photographer. by doing this it reminds me of these two things:
1. seeing how much we had progressed after these 3 years give me great assurance and anticipation for the years ahead
2. she made me believe i still have it. there is a kind of beauty in each of us regardless of our age and a genuine smile trumps wrinkles :)

i attached the 2007 and the 2010 version of myself. if you take a look at the comparison. i haven't change much in my style, just some new clothes.

set1: the soft side

2007 of me. yah the nice straight hair and floral dress

books, not because i really read a lot. but i do enjoy reading. and i definitely read a lot more the last few years than the first two decades of my life. these are books that had influence and inspired me one way or another, these are books i don't mind reading over and over again. many of you who knows me also know that im quite an open book, this is how i like to live my life. im not embarrassed of my past and my struggles because i recognized im only human and i had stopped trying to be perfect. my weakness on a contrary effect had made me more approachable and helped me gain more deeper friendships. recent years i learn to practice the sabbath, where i intentionally choose not to work, but to read and journal, it keeps me sane. this simply show the soft side of me, the fragile and vulnerable side of me.

set2: the wild side

2007 of me. see the red dress! trying to be hot too :)

i do get one or two negative comments on how i dressed up recently. and it is easy to removed them, just trash those dresses away. but after much thought i concluded "no". i like hot. i love victoria beckham. i think hot is a trend, a kind of attitude. though it might give some guys wrong impression of what kind of girl i am, it's ok. im done dressing up to fit the mold of mass production sweet gentle pretty girls. because even if my dress can deceive them, they will find out very quickly im far from that. or maybe because it is a deep down struggle that im frequently being compared to my sister. i like to be styled differently from her. i want to be seen as a separate individual. also, i think there is a difference between hot and slutty. hot girls can be slutty. but slutty girls are not necessary hot. my aim, thus is to be hot, untouchable hot :) i think that is cool or at least for now it is unless i get tired of this style.

set3: chill

i do not have a 2007 photos for this set. i think... i dont know how to be totally real yet :)

coffee, work, apple and me… yes that is me being very comfortable with all my stuff and favorite toys. yes, dont be jealous, that is how my workspace normally looks like. as you can see from my photos, i lie down, i put up my legs, for the record i also eat chicken wings with my hands. that is me, ppl just need to embrace me as i am. at least im real. love me or hate me. your choice. we called that personal preference and i will not be offended by it. or i learn not to be anymore.

view more photos here.
---
i think these 3 sets of photos summarize me in a nutshell. my mum says, "why are your dresses either long long or short short". yah i don't like being in between. I'M MAKING A STATEMENT.

it is a beautiful day

2010-10-02T16:18:00.005+08:00

Photo by: www.anna-rina.com

what do you do on your 30th birthday? i sit at starbucks by the glass window sipping my iced latte, seeing cars pass me by. Il dolce far niente, the italian phrase of "the joy of doing nothing" (from the movie eat pray love). i flip to the message psalm 30 that totally summed out my sentiments today. i read through those lines and let those words sink into me.

A David Psalm
I give you all the credit, God—
you got me out of that mess,
you didn't let my foes gloat.

God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm God's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain."
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.

I called out to you, God;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough.

---
then i begin to scribble my heart conditions and a prayer in my little journal.

"Because of You, O God i have the courage to face tomorrow and the years ahead. to learn on the hindsight that there are always light in the end of my tunnel. that heartbreaks, disappointments, betrayals, regrets, and those days that i do not want to wake up to this lousy world though inevitable will pass away; but only the refined me and sweet memories will remain. so i ask only of this O God, a constant assurance of your presence. a heart that will continuously beats with passion. faith big enough to dive in with you in the crazy, great adventure ahead. and finally wisdom to seize the day, manage the resources and opportunities that present themselves to me. cheers to a good year."

put down my pencil, close my journal… look up to the reflection of me on the mirror. *smile*

it's a beautiful day.

the best mistake i've ever made

2010-09-26T22:25:00.003+08:00

by joanna wang

One step too far
All at once I'm falling
Just like a star
I'm burning for you
Thought I could keep myself from feeling this way
I guess that was my first mistake

Cause suddenly I'm walking
Down a dark street to your door
Wanting you is driving me insane
And now my feet are standing
Where they've never stood before
Guarded by a twist of fate

If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I've ever made

I'm in your room
Now there's no denying
What's in your eyes
When I look at you
Two shadows talking but they don't make a sound

Words have lost their meaning now

And the air has turned electric
Now I know the time is right
To put myself into your hands
And suddenly I'm shaking
As your fingers touch my skin
I don't need to understand

And if tomorrow proves me wrong
I swear I don't belong
I know I'll carry on

So I will lose myself and bare my soul
Take this chance cause heaven knows
I'm so far gone, my choice is made
And even if my heart should break

When I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I'll always say
You're the best mistake I ever made

cruelity

2010-09-23T18:13:00.002+08:00

birthday's surprises doesnt work in our generation anymore. because we often get what we dont want to know.

jar of hearts

2010-09-22T00:42:00.002+08:00

by Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half a life
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half a life
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are

day141: wallpaper

2010-09-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
---
disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

dear john

2010-09-14T00:01:00.004+08:00

Paperweight by Joshua Radi & Schuyler Fisk

Been up all night staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way with so many before
But this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise to go back to bed
I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers i'm waiting
Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers i'm waiting
Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

And no need to worry
That's wastin time
And no need to wonder
What's been on my mind
It's you
It's you
It's you

Every word you say i think
I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

And i give up
I let you win
You win cause i'm not counting
You made it back
To sleep again
Wonder what you're dreaming

the mountain we need to conquer

2010-09-13T14:07:00.016+08:00

here we go, chaiyen and her impromptu trip. i think sometimes i do things like this, because i know if i have more time to think about it, it will never happen. this is one of the thing i never thought i will do in my life but heck im hitting the big 3 zero in months, so i better do it now before physical unfitness and age both become a burden. i only have less than 2.5 weeks to prepare for it and it rumoured to be raining season, i was stressed. so you can imagine i prayed out of my desperation. it is a miracle i made it and the weather turned out to be perfect.

the following few photos are what i had to walk through. i had to say every time i looked up, it did look terribly scary...

LESSON NO1:
i think just like life, sometimes the road ahead can look a bit intimidating but i went through it all just fine. on a hindsight, i actually enjoyed it. oh yahh, and the fact that i can eat 8 chocolate bars in the name of "energy bar" was totally cool.

we took the mersilau route and after 6.5 hours, i made it up to laban rata. i can't tell you how excited i was seeing this iconic building.

i love the most the hike up the peak. i walked this path all alone because i left my room a bit late and i was totally glad i did. there were a few moments i was just speechless while i leaned back on the rock. i looked up the sky filled with stars, i couldnt hold my tears as i chat with the one who created all this.

photo: chaiyen

walking alone is not without a cost :) if you take a closer look, i hurt my chin because i was walking alone and i couldnt see the path clearly. it seems to be no end to it because it was dark, i couldnt see the peak. i kept asking porters who passed by me "berapa lama lagi? (how far more)". i remembered the last porter told me "dekat saja. 5 minit (close, 5 more minutes only)". i challenged him again... "betulkah? (really)". i didnt trust him because most of them kept saying it is close... so that we push on. but before i know it, really i was already there. it was so close but i couldnt see it. after 3.5 hours i finally made it up to the peak, just in time for the sunrise. i have to say, i didnt really want to come down that mountain. in my opinion, mt k till date is the most beautiful place in malaysia i have ever seen. totally breathtaking.

LESSON NO2:
some of us are in darkness and it seems that life will never get better, take heart and keep walking we will be on the mountain top before we know it and we shall see sunlight very soon.

LESSON NO3:
mountains in life are meant to be conquered. intimidating, but every time we conquered each of them, we feel a lot greater and confident of ourself. so maybe there are there for a purpose, to strengthen us. impossible is nothing :)

----
to anna, the babe in the photo with me, the one who made this whole trip possible for me. i wouldnt have done this, if you are not going with me. thanks for bringing me around kk, it is really serene and beautiful. love the whole experience, including getting to know your family. i was rejuvenated.

all photos courtesy of anna-rina unless indicated. for more scenic photos visit her blog. WARNING: it is breathtaking.

can i come closer?

2010-09-07T13:58:00.006+08:00

At some point, you came into my heart
Afraid my heart would be found out
I tried to turn away from you
I didn't know I would feel this way
My heart keeps wavering

What am i to do now?
I can't stop my trembling heart
Even if i close my eyes, you appear before me
With my heart likes this, what can i do
Because of you, i cry and laugh

Now, if there is no you, there would be no me
Can i be with you, together with you?

I feel you eyes on me, it makes my heart thrill
Everyday i have moments of doubt
I didnt know i would feel this way
My heart keeps wavering

What am i to do now?
Can i just come closer like this?
Im missing you
Im only looking at you

What can i do with my heart like this?
Looking only at you, i waver
Now, if there is no you, there would be no me
Can i be together with you?

life long objective

2010-08-21T17:41:00.003+08:00

'keep your eyes open, hold tight your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping' 1 cor 16.13-14 the message

old news, great lessons

2010-08-20T11:11:00.009+08:00

he's not that into you. keep this close to you heart, girls. stop wasting your years hoping on a fantasy that looks nice only on canvas. these are some snippets i copied from NW gossip magazine. her teary eyes caught my attention and i read up the entire article.

' "This whole time she couldnt help but hold out hope that she and Brad would get back together, even though he would never admit to it" a long-time LA based actress friend of Jen's says. "Part of her knew it was silly, but it was always in the back of her mind. And it is not as though Brad's never given Jen reason to hold on to hope – he's been in constant contact with his former wife especially when things with Angelina hit a rough patch.'
NAIVE GIRL NO1: most girls know it is silly, yet we do this over and over again.
JERK NO1: some guys just do what make them feel better without considering how you feel. so forget about them!
LESSON NO1: if they are hanging on to another while telling you how much more comfortable they are with you, they are just treating you as their best friend... nothing more. and guys are capable of having a lot of best friends, dont think too much over it. you are not that special.

'Jen's other trump card was the fact that Brad's mum Jane has always adored her and hated Ange. But when Jen recently saw photos of Brad and Ange in Venice with Brad's parents, it ripped her heart out.'
NAIVE GIRL NO2: we love it when their parents and friends are on our side.
JERK NO2: they have to constantly remind you that everyone else loves you, but they forget to tell you except for them.
LESSON NO2: it doesnt matter if the whole world sees that you are perfect couple (at least half a world in this case). fact is, if that he doesnt like you... who cares the mum likes you. if someone can make them love you, it is not really love then.

'... while Jen's love rival makes plans for her big day, she has been left shattered.
"To her it is the ultimate betrayal by Brad," says her Hollywood actress friend.
"All this time, with the phone calls and secret meetings, she believed they would one day be Mr and Mrs Pitt again.
"And now she knows that will never happen." '
NAIVE GIRL NO3: yah after 3 kids, you cant imagine right now Jen is still wishing that something will happen and they wont make it to the vow. a bit like Man U... girls never say die. sometimes you wonder what got into us.
JERK NO3: they always left you thinking that there is something more, no actually... they just dont mind the attention. guys are equally attention seeking idiots. they just dont admit it. they like the excitement and trill of a rendezvous to feed their manhood, and you are just a perfect candidate.
LESSON NO3: if you want to be there... whatever, just dont think too much about it. just remember always, dont think too much till they say it. SORRY, i mean even when they say it... till they consistently show it. if you still need to guess their intentions, it is just not it.

IT'S FOR THE BEST
While Jennifer might not see it now, a relationship expert says that Brad's commitment to marry Angelina might be just what the, er, doctor ordered.
"She made a promise to be married forever and he broke it. She has just not gotten over it," says psychologist Dr Janet Hall of Jen's years of torture since the 2005 divorce.
"It could be the best thing for her as it ends all hopes of her legitimately getting him back."
Dr Hall says that men Jen's dated, particularly notorious playboys John Mayer and Gerard Butler, were simply lonely-night fill-ins until she got Brad back.
"If she was still pinning for Brad she have deliberately chosen bad boys who were never going to settle," Dr Hall says.
"It says that she doesnt expect a lasting relationship in choosing the bad ones and that perhaps she is not worthy since Brad left her. But now she really is free to create a lasting love with a man who can be true."
Here's hoping.
NAIVE GIRL NO4: yah girls are confused being. we want to pretend we are doing equally as well but we jumped off from one cliff to another. not sure what we are thinking. maybe we are hoping someone will come save us before the next jump.
JERK NO4: And all those other idiots, they take advantage of girls like this. they must be thinking "they know what we are like, and they are coming to our arms. woo hoo... let's eat them alive."
LESSON NO4: Why girls go for bad boys? maybe it is a way to avoid getting into anything more serious again because it hurts. maybe knowing they are bad boys makes you feel better if they surprised you by turning good, then when they look all angelic and prince charming but turned up like a mess.

---
come out of the shade by the perishers

human history

2010-08-03T12:05:00.002+08:00

We try to be our own masters as if we had created ourselves. Then we hopefully strive to invent some sort of happiness for ourselves outside of God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come human history... the long, terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.
CS Lewis

let's ditch Justin Case

2010-07-19T23:43:00.002+08:00

very good read. should read this again and again. so im keeping it here.

3 type of guys

2010-07-05T19:39:00.005+08:00

guys no1
they dont like to tell girls about anything, nor do they like to hear girls mumble about themselves.
- in the beginning, that might be considered cool. and girls, if you think he will open up, you shouldnt be surprised he doesnt.

guys no2
they like to tell girls about everything, and they are good listeners to every girls.
- they make girls feel very special, unfortunately soon they will know that they are not the only one.

guys no3
they only tell one girl about their things and they are interested to know her only.
- this is ideal but rare nowadays... so i guess we can make do with guys no2.

day140: STOP

2010-06-17T20:41:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day139: almost lover

2010-06-17T20:28:00.001+08:00

love this song.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day138: impulsive

2010-06-17T20:02:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day137: WIP

2010-06-17T19:57:00.001+08:00

i like Work In Progress guy.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day136: chocolate

2010-06-17T19:47:00.003+08:00

the younger generation call that chocolate. *yummy*

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

the days without you by jill xu

2010-06-17T17:05:00.004+08:00

The road home seems far, it's a pity words are few
In a single-person dinner, the flavor is only loneliness
At my side, I see the movie repeating, a frame of us
Why do these eyes that choose to avoid it all still cry tears?

Loving you everyday, you are my world
At that time, I still thought I would only love this once
The days without you, happiness seems so far away from me
My heart has already left with you, so I can't feel much right now?

I can't bear to open my eyes, afraid that you're not by my side
Perhaps in dreams, the distance between us is the closest
I miss your warm palms, I'm embraced by a cold wind
When winter comes again, how will this temperature continue?

(Spoken)
Hey it's me
You know it's rainin' outside right now
Remember back in the days, when we use to run around in the rain
and just get wet like that, that was back in the days
You know, leaving you was the toughest thing I had to do
It's not what I want, I know we'll meet again
I miss you, goodbye

Thank you for having loved me, giving me a most beautiful memories*
But life loves to be deprived, how should I walk this road ahead alone?

day135: home

2010-06-14T23:00:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day134: underlining meaning

2010-06-14T22:49:00.002+08:00

bottom line of the book.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day133: a dread

2010-06-14T22:47:00.002+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day132: roller coaster

2010-06-12T14:30:00.002+08:00

"Love is like a roller coaster, it has twists and turns, ups and downs, and you never know when the ride is going to end" Kimberly
it lifts you up to the highest point just to make sure you feel the pain when it drops.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day131: normal day

2010-06-12T14:26:00.003+08:00

it is sad, when you actually thank God when it is just a normal day.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day130: my head

2010-06-12T14:19:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day129: below average

2010-06-12T14:04:00.002+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day128: unexpected

2010-06-12T13:55:00.002+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day127: expensive affair

2010-06-12T13:36:00.002+08:00

it is pricey to cover the wound.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day126: a new bad habit

2010-06-12T13:29:00.002+08:00

new revelation: beer taste sweet when you are depressed.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day125: stealing time

2010-06-09T19:48:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day124: running out of fuel

2010-06-09T19:40:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day123: accounts

2010-06-09T19:39:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

almost lover

2010-05-19T00:31:00.000+08:00

the art of befriending your ex boyfriend

2010-05-18T11:59:00.005+08:00

since a lot of ppl are always amaze how i can still be so close to my exes. let me share how i master the art of befriending my ex bfs.

1. if you don't find yourself secretly cursing him, that is a good start. if you sincerely still want to see him successful n marry that perfect woman and have that happy family regardless you are in the picture or not, then we can do this. to remember this person is first your best friend before becoming your boyfriend.
2. to recognise that it is nobody's fault that this relationship doesn't work out, that we both tried but it didn't turn out as planned.
3. let them make use of you :) let them call you when they have an heartache. let them call you for design opinions and design free namecards (my skills). well i guess it works vice versa when your friendship get stronger.
4. to call them out without overthinking it. i mean if you still want to play the game, it is going to be pretty hard. because the game is being very calculative with your steps.
5. to not hope for anything more besides this friendship. to not feel jealous who they are dating now. seriously they can turn out to be the best person to tell you what game the new guy is playing. they can rebuke you freely because things they nevr dare to say straight to your face, they can tell you now without sounding like an expectation. isnt it cool to have someone to prepare you for the next relationship?

so I don't see why we should cut off these past relationships. they had been and will be my best friends. friendship without expectations. a bliss.

day122: arvo coffee

2010-05-16T00:44:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day121: sorry

2010-05-16T00:17:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day120: bachelors' party

2010-05-15T23:34:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day119: D-day

2010-05-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day118: the quake

2010-05-15T23:10:00.002+08:00

cry buckets watching these videos.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day117: the cause

2010-05-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

the man behind THE GAME

2010-05-14T09:00:00.006+08:00

Dont ask me why i picked up the book:
The rules of the GAME by Neil Strauss.

It is the follow-up to the No1. Bestseller The Game

---
I think i need to know how they sweep me off my feet every time, despite me being so cautious each time. im wondering if it is all a lie and magic power that cause them to be able to detach their feelings from it all. i enjoyed reading the The Style Diaries which i get to read inside his thought life. one interesting thought i picked up from his "30 Day Experiment" story is he can actually sincerely or lustfully feel, miss, and want all 3 girls at the same time. contrary to what i think, he actually fall in love (lets use this word loosely here) faster than average ppl. yahh, he is actually capable of missing a girl he never even meet before while having sex with another. he actually have the thought of marrying a girl he meets after a few hour though they never even have sex at all. so in a way he is not some sort of superhero that can detach his feelings.

it is interesting he didnt compile all his success stories in this book, but his very humbling and i would say more human side... dare i say these are the more memorable stories of his. but i think the most unexpected thing about this book is the postface. i dont understand why he wants to end the book this way but maybe he is not such a terrible guy after all. [there i go, i think of them better than they are]

---
"So why did your last relationships fail"
"I guess they failed because the women developed certain behaviors that made me doubt the success of a forever-type of relationship with them." [Neil]
"And i suppose you didnt have anything to do with the development of these behaviors?
"Of course i did. it always takes two."
"And now you've decided to be alone and miserable forever?"
"i just tried so hard to make these relationships work."
"How exactly did you try?"
"i was honest. i was faithful. i cut off all the other women i was seeing. i didnt tell lies or carry on secret flirtations or sneak around behind their backs." [sounds familiar, to their credit i believe every player has tried this at least once or twice though that actually should be the prerequisite for every relationship]
"And that's how you make a relationship succeed? By not having an affairs with other women? That's like saying you learn to swim by getting in the water. It's a given... Did you ever stop to consider that you never really tried?... You worked really hard to learn the game. You read every book there was, traveled around the world, met all the experts, and spent years making countless approaches to perfect the craft."
"I think i see what you're getting at... That maybe i need to learn how to have a relationship in the same way i learned the game."
"Ultimately, you're going to have to make a choice at some point in your life. And that choice to decide: Do you want to find a woman to spend your life with and make a family together? Or do you want to keep giving in to your impulses and continuing to have sex adventures and relationships of varying length until you can't anymore?"

Something he left the readers with. interesting isnt it.

day116: fuel up

2010-05-09T01:27:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day115: i miss reading

2010-05-09T00:36:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day114: gray

2010-05-09T00:25:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day113: boundaries

2010-05-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day112: depression

2010-05-08T22:22:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day111: DOME

2010-05-08T22:06:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day110: tickets sold off

2010-05-08T19:49:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day109: booking

2010-05-08T19:43:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day108: rest day

2010-05-08T19:37:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day107: suffocating

2010-05-08T19:30:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day106: excited

2010-05-08T19:19:00.002+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day105: prince charming

2010-05-08T19:12:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day104: sleep

2010-05-08T18:56:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day103: lunch

2010-05-08T18:44:00.001+08:00

lunch with friends amid busy schedules colour my life.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day102: fierce i can be

2010-05-08T18:41:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day101: people change

2010-05-08T18:34:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day100: number your days

2010-04-22T16:44:00.003+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day98: runaway

2010-04-22T16:38:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day97: fool or faith

2010-04-22T16:04:00.003+08:00

have ppl consider anything you done lately foolish. that is a good way to check if you are living that life of faith.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day96: journaling, i miss

2010-04-22T15:49:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day95: music to the soul

2010-04-22T15:43:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day94: wait on me

2010-04-22T15:06:00.001+08:00

how far an extra mile will you go for someone? extremely touched.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day93: a tan uncalled for

2010-04-22T15:02:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

one cannot do nothing

2010-04-18T21:26:00.008+08:00

love what FRONTLINE videos are doing, because they leave ppl like us no more excuse to not know the what is happening in Haiti.
- if you cannot view, go here click top right "watch the program"

one: "THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END"

two: RELIEF EFFORTS – THE STAGGERING OBSTACLES

three: THE STORY OF A DREAM DENIED

four: HOW TO REBUILD REMAKE HAITI

---
these videos make me cry, i mean seriously... almost unstoppable. my shirt is wet.
what makes you cry, hotel rwanda? blood diamond? what provokes you? what is it that annoy you? what makes you figure for solutions? what makes you keep awake at night? what ignites your energy? what is your passion? you see after being a christian for so long it no longer about a war of doing good or bad. but a war of the good and the best. we can do a few good things in life but that will only built church-nity. christianity is about passion. jesus is a very passionate man. and it no coincidence his last week is called the passion week."
rethinking what i wrote.

day92: STYLO

2010-04-16T23:54:00.001+08:00

stylo indeed.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day91: the cross

2010-04-16T23:53:00.000+08:00

a good time of reflection at the 7 stations of the cross

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day90: classic

2010-04-09T00:14:00.004+08:00

so who do men normally choose? the one who stood by them or the kind hearted princess?

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day89: passionate i am

2010-04-08T23:44:00.001+08:00

people always make remark im a very passionate person. this includes people who see me only for an hour. i wonder how they measure that?

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day88: free ticket

2010-04-08T23:32:00.001+08:00

i won myself a free ticket to perth. accommodation and expenses not covered, so now we are still contemplating if we wanna go. this is what we do when it is free.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day87: meatarian

2010-04-08T23:16:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day86: a simple card

2010-04-08T23:03:00.004+08:00

someone called me out of the blue, she was crying all the way telling me how much she misses my friendship when she stumbled into the book and card i gave her. she read the content to me which i barely remember. that is what letter and cards do, it freezes the moment we treasure and store it there. it goes a long way, so dont stop writing.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day85: laundry service

2010-04-08T22:47:00.003+08:00

2 washing machines and 2 dryers. most ppl really believe i offer laundry service.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day84: fail.com

2010-04-08T22:34:00.003+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day83: the game

2010-04-08T22:21:00.002+08:00

and we constantly pray our story wont make it to this book.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day82: the substitute

2010-04-02T01:58:00.002+08:00

hired again. my resume here.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day81: rain and thunder

2010-04-02T01:04:00.004+08:00

the rain and thunder make me wonder how the haitians are doing now. follow haiti news here.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day80: handle with care

2010-04-02T00:25:00.001+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day79: hot air balloon

2010-04-02T00:02:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day78: love beyond love

2010-04-01T23:49:00.000+08:00

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

two is better than one by boys like girls

2010-03-31T01:32:00.001+08:00

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey,"

Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one

你那么爱她 ni na moi ai ta

2010-03-31T01:04:00.005+08:00

till love fades you will understand to value every
wonderful scenery but she has already left
till you are convinced, she's already gone and has no recollection of you
the ultimate you start a passage of struggle
you really love her, why not keep her back
why not reveal your mind's thoughts
you profoundly love her and everyone knows that

you really love her, why not keep her back
is it there's two sides of her that you profoundly love
thus you are reluctant to let yourself be entrenched deeply in it
you really love her, why not keep her back
why not reveal your mind's thoughts
you profoundly love her and everyone knows that
you really love her, why not keep her back
is it there's two sides of her that you profoundly love
thus you are reluctant to let yourself be entrenched deeply in it

day77: im fat

2010-03-19T21:05:00.002+08:00

when ppl tell me "im fat". sometimes i wonder whose shadow are they looking at. and honestly even if you have flesh, you can still look really good if you dress up with confidence. so girls, dont ever lose that.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.

day76: journaling

2010-03-19T20:47:00.000+08:00

i love writing. it helps clear your mind.

each day is a piece of art on its own.

001
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disclaimer: the images i use might not be photos of my own.